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TRANSCRIPTION OF
CALLISTO




“Callisto”  Episode 22/122

[TEASER]

Woman  [Screams]  “I don’t wanna die!”

Sold:  “Kill them all!”

Woman:  “Help!  My baby!”

Man:  “Run, woman!  They’re trying to kill us all!”

Callisto [C]:  “Trying?  I think we’re succeeding.  Stop!  Let
her live.  You old crone.  Tell the world what we did here.
Let them know what devastation awaits anyone who defies me.”

Woman:  “Who are you?”

C:  “I’m Xena, Warrior Princess!  [Maniacal laugh]

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[ACT I]

Melas [M]:  “Innkeeper, please-- wine!”

X:  “You look like you could use that more than me.  You all
right?”

M:  “No-- but thank you for your kindness.  My name is Melas.”

X:  “Xena.”

M:  “Xena?  The Warrior Princess?”

X:  “Some people call me that.”

[Brief Fight]

M:  “Go ahead-- murder me-- just like you murdered my son.”

X:  “What are you saying?”

M:  “I found a woman from my village lying half-dead in the
road.  She said you and your army murdered everyone but her--
even my-- 6-yr-old son.”

X:  “That’s a lie.”

M:  “Then why does every traveller between here and Corinth
have a story about an army led by Xena?”

Man’s Voice:  “That’s true.”

X:  “Gabrielle, come on.”

M:  “I’ll avenge my son’s death.  I won’t rest until you’re
dead.”

X:  “You’ll do what you think you have to-- but you’ve got the
wrong person.”

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X:  “We’ll head toward Corinth and see if we can make any sense
of what he was saying.”

Man:  “Is that Xena?”

Woman:  “I think it’s her.”

G:  “Are you all right?”

X:  “See that look of fear and hatred on their faces?”

G:  “Yeah.”

X:  “I used to wanna see that look.  It meant I was doing my
job right.”

Joxer [J]:  “Xena!”

X:  “Yeah?”

J:  “Joxer, the mighty, at your service.”

X:  “Get lost!”

J:  “You know, a warrior needs-- wait-- listen.  Don’t judge me
because I was travelling with those sheep.  I can be of
invaluable service to a woman like you.  Yeah-- as a matter of
fact, um-- I’m a warrior of some repute.”

G:  “Hmm!  I never heard of you.”

J:  “Listen, I wasn’t talking to you, little girl.”

G:  “Hey!”

J:  “Now, listen-- I’m fierce and I have a lust for blood.  As
a matter of fact, if a couple of days go by and I haven’t shed
some blood, I get very depressed.  Blood and me go together
like a horse and chariot.  I once bathed in a tub of blood.  My
nickname is ‘Bloody Joxer.’”

X:  “You like the sight of blood so much, keep talking.”

J:  “I’m disappointed in you, Xena!  I thought you’d recognize
talent when you saw it!  Oh-- she must be threatened.  I can
understand that-- what, with my masculine prowess and stuff.”

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X:  “You’re a slow learner.”

M:  “I don’t care how long it takes.  I will see you dead one
day.”

G:  “You know-- if she was the monster you think she is, she’d
have killed you by now.”

M:  “She likes to see me helpless in my rage.  I will continue
to hunt you-- even if it costs me my life.”

X:  “I’m going after whoever’s behind these raids.  So, be
smart, and stay out of my way.”

G:  “Goodbye, Melas.  I hope you find peace.”

M:  “I will once I know her evil heart has stopped beating.”

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C:  “You want it?  Come and get it.”

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[ACT II]

[They fight throughout]

C:  “I’m good!  As good as you-- and why not?  You made me.”

X:  “It was you who shot me with that poison dart.”

C:  “Yes-- you see, it left me free to revive your reputation
as a wonton killer of women and children.”

X:  “I never killed women and children.”

C:  “Well-- you have now.”

X:  “What did you mean when you said, ‘I made you.’?”

C:  “Do you remember Cirra?”

X:  “I’ve just blocked off the flow of blood to your brain.
You’ll be dead in _seconds_ unless I release you.  Who was that
woman?  Don’t bother struggling.  Just spit it out.”

Theodorus [Th]:  “Her name is Callisto!”

X:  “What’s she got to do with Cirra?”

Th:  “Her family died there!”

X:  “What does Callisto want?  Answer the question or I just
walk away.”

Th:  “She wants the world to see you as the demon!  Then, she
wants to kill you in combat!”

X:  “Where’s she headed?”

Th:  “Delphi-- she plans to murder the oracle and blame it on
you!”

X:  “When?”

Th:  “At tomorrow’s Apollo sacrifice!”

X:  “Now-- remember to tell her this.  She’s right, I made
her-- and I’ll be the one to destroy her.  Be careful; I am in
a bad mood!”

M:  “I saw everything.  I know now it was not you who killed my
son.  I’m sorry.”

X:  “Save your breath.  I don’t want your apology.”

M:  “Let me travel with you.  I’ll do anything to help you kill
her.”

X:  “I don’t need your help.”

M:  “Look-- I’m gonna go after her anyway.  Why not work with
me?”

X:  “I suppose I could keep you from getting killed.”

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C:  “Enough!”

Th:  “Callisto!”

C:  “So-- she put her touch on you?”

Th:  “Right away.”

C:  “And you told her everything?”

Th:  “Everything-- just as you wanted.”

C:  “Good-- and then she-- she let you go with some stupid
message-- something heroic about-- stopping me, huh?”

Th:  “Yes-- you were right about everything.”

C:  “Oh-- oh, Xena, Xena-- I can call your every move.”

J:  “Ow, ow, watch the suit, would ya?  Ooh, ooh!”

Sold:  “We found this scum hiding in the supply wagon we stole
from the other village.  He says he has something invaluable to
offer you.”

J:  “Warrior Queen-- forgive my intrusion.”

C:  “’Warrior Queen’-- I like that.”

J:  “It’s so much better than-- ‘Warrior Princess’-- you know.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

C:  “Yes-- yes it is.  Now what is it you have to offer me?”

J:  “My services.”

C:  “Your services-- really?  And what is it exactly that-- you
do-- hmm?”

J:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  What do I do?  I’m a warrior!”

C:  “Oh, you’re a warrior.  How silly of me.  And why is it,
dear man, that you look like an idiot, then?”

J:  “Amm, I cultivate that look-- to make me seem less
threatening.  You see, uh-- people don’t fear worthless idiots,
so it’s easy for me to get the drop on ‘em.  Hah!  See?”

C:  “So, you want to do something to prove yourself to me,
then?”

J:  “Anything-- please.”

C:  “Hmm-- you know who Xena is, don’t you?  She travels with
someone.”

J:  “An irritating little blond-- I know.”

C:  “Yes, her name is Gabrielle.”

J:  [Mouths “Gabrielle.”]

C:  “You bring her to me-- and you may join my legion-- as a
warrior.”

J:  “Consider the deed done, my Queen.  We’re-- we’re all on
the same team, now.”

C:  “Who knows?  He might be able to capture the brat.  But
even if he doesn’t, every distraction for Xena will help me
carry out my plan.  It’s almost close to completion, Theodorus.
Tomorrow-- at Delphi-- Xena’s weapon will be found-- in the
oracle’s skull.”

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G:  “When was the last time you got some sleep, Melas?”

M:  “The night before I buried my son.”

G:  “Why don’t you lay down and close your eyes?  You might
drift off.”

M:  “Drift off.  You don’t get it, do you?  I don’t want to
drift off.  I’m not trying to run away from the pain.  I want
to satisfy it.  And the only way I can do that is with
Callisto’s blood.  You’d feel the same way if you lost what I
did.”

G:  “Maybe.  Do you wanna talk about it?”

X:  “What?”

G:  “Cirra.”

X:  “It was just another village to conquer-- nothing out of
the ordinary.  The fire broke out-- and I don’t know if it was
one of my men or just an accident, but, there was a strong
wind, and-- those flames just _swept_ through that town like a
wave of death.  But the people were huddled in their houses,
‘cause they were afraid of my army.  That was one time when my
army was responsible for the death of women and children.  And
there was just a handful of survivors; obviously, Callisto was
one of them.”

G:  “You know, she’ll do anything for revenge.”

X:  “I don’t blame her.”

G:  “Uh-- I do.  When will this end?  Look at Melas.  I know
that he’s a good man, but, this hate is making him an obsessed
killer.  Somebody has to say no to this lust for revenge.”

X:  “That is so hard to do.”

G:  “You did it!  When your village was destroyed, you were--
infected with bloodlust.  But you overcame it!”

X:  “I was lucky.  I saw what I’d become, and I was able to
turn around.  But if something happened to Mother, or Hercules,
or you-- I might do just the same.”

G:  “No-- no look, you promise me.  If something happens to me,
you will not become a monster.  There’s only one way to end
this cycle of hatred, and it’s through love-- and forgiveness.”

X:  “Don’t you go changing, Gabrielle.  I like you just the way
you are.  Go get some sleep.”

G:  “No-- no, you promise me.”

X:  “I promise.  Go-- go on.”

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G:  “The oracle should be arriving soon to give her prophecy.”

X:  “Let’s spread out and look for Callisto.  Give a yell as
soon as you see her.”

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[Fight scene between J and G]

J:  “You wanna fight, huh?  Fine with me.  You made me mad,
now, little girl.  [Laughs]  You’ve just made a serious
mistake.  [Laughs]  You broke my crossbow!  That does it!  I’m
gonna rip you apart with my bare hands!”

G:  “What are you doing?!  Now, stay down!”

J:  “Are you kidding, me?  I got you right where I want you.”

G:  “Will you stay down?!  There’s something I gotta do!”

J:  “Go ahead.  Run-- you coward!”

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[ACT III]

[X chases C-- a lot of yelling]

X:  “Get on, Argo!  Come on.”

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X:  “Ah, no, no, no, no, no”

C:  “No!”

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X:  “Argo won’t obey you, and if you don’t stop kicking her,
I’ll break your ankles.”

C:  “Oh, the good Xena.  What happened to you?  One day you
just decided to fight for justice?”

X:  “Something like that.”

C:  “And all the shattered people you left behind were now
supposed to cheer you, is that it?”

X:  “No.  What happened to you was terrible.  It was my fault
and I’m sorry.”

C:  “Oh-- well!  That makes _all_ the difference.  And now, we
can be the best of friends.  [Spits]  That’s what I think of
your apology.”

G:  “Xena!  Xena-- Melas has gone crazy.  He’s organizing a
lynch mob.”

C:  “Well, I’m not afraid to die, if that’s what you’re worried
about.  What about you, Xena?  How will you feel to see your
creation executed without a fair trial, hmm?”

G:  “Don’t listen to her, Xena.  You can’t torture yourself
over what she’s become.”

C:  “No, no, no, of course not.  No, it’s not her fault at all
that I dream every night of my mother’s _screams_ coming from
my burning home!  You tell me Xena, do you sleep will at
night?!”

X:  “No, I don’t.”

C:  “Good-- well I can take whatever it is you think I have
coming to me.  But you tell me this, Xena-- have you ever been
tried for all of the things you have done?  Have you ever been
handed over to a mob that wanted your blood?”

X:  “What would you do if I let you go?”

G:  “What are you doing?”

X:  “I changed; so can she.”

G:  “No, her heart has been eaten away by hatred.”

C:  “The sight, just the sight, of Xena, Warrior Princess,
arguing on my behalf amuses me so-- let me tell you.  Let me
answer your question of what I would do if you let me go.  You
let me go, and I will dedicate my life to killing everything
you’ve loved-- your friends, your family, your reputation, even
your horse.  You see, I am being so honest with you-- because
the idea of your pity-- is worse than death for me.  You see--
you created a monster with integrity, Xena.  Scary, isn’t it?
Now-- take me to the mob.”

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M:  “You’ve done well, Xena.  We thank you for bringing her in.
You’ll hand her over to us.”

X:  “I’m taking her to the town jail, where she’ll wait for a
fair trial.”

Woman:  “She must be punished!”

Man:  “She’s a demon!”

Woman:  “She’s a monster!”

M:  “Don’t worry-- we’ll get her.  Yeah!  Death to Callisto!
Death!  Death!  We’ll get you, Callisto!  We’ll get you!”

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C:  “Xena-- they’re coming.  But you know that already, don’t
you?  What will you do?  How many of them will you kill?
You’re beginning to hate me.  You’ve fought it because of some
silly sense of guilt, huh?  Now, I’m a painful reminder of what
you used to be, and how you may never leave it behind.  Ooh--
that crowd wants my blood.  Why not let them have me?  It’s the
easy way out.  Nobody’ll blame you.”

X:  “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you without a
fair trial.”

C:  “You know-- there used to be some respect mixed up in my
hatred for you.  But-- tsk, tsk-- not anymore.  Your petty
scruples are an embarrassment.  As a villain, you were awesome.
As a hero, you are a sentimental fool.”

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J:  “Ah-hah!  Got’cha!”

G:  “You’ve gotta be kidding.”

J:  “Once I have you, I’m trading you for Callisto.  She’ll
reward me well.”

J:  “Oh, oh, you _broke_ my nose.  I hate it when that
happens!”

G:  “Keep your head back!  Use this.  Now, why are you
attacking me?”

J:  “I am a warrior, and I’m trying to make a name for myself!”

G:  “Well, I’ve got some bad news for you.  You’re not a
warrior.”

J:  “Oh, great-- hit a man when he’s down.”

G:  “Listen, I’ve beaten the stuffing out of you both times we
met.”

J:  “Listen-- you _don’t_ understand.  I come from a long line
of warlords!  It’s like a family tradition!”

G:  “Well, I’m really sorry, but you don’t have that warrior
thing.”

J:  “You don’t think so, huh?”

G:  “No-- but that’s all right; that’s all right.  There are
other things you can do.  You know-- what interests you, now?”

J:  “I like to steal.”

G:  “Other than that.”

J:  “I like fishing.”

G:  “Well, there you go.  You’d make a great fisherman.”

J:  “You think?”

G:  “Yep, absolutely.  And I-- I’ve got a feel for people.”

J:  “Thanks-- I’m Joxer, by the way.”

G:  “Gabrielle.”

J:  “Hah!  Got you now!”

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M:  “This should bring her out.”

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C:  “Perfect-- I’m gonna die just like my family.  It’s kind of
full circle, don’t you think?  Oh, no, no, no!  Not to fear,
Xena-- I won’t be screaming out like my sister.”

X:  “Come on, we’re leaving.”

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Woman:  “She’s kidnapped the girl!”

Man:  “Somebody help!”

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[ACT IV]

X:  “Where is she?”

M:  “She was right!”

X:  “What are you talking about?”

M:  “Gabrielle-- she said my hate would lead to others being
hurt.”

X:  “What are you saying?”

M:  “Callisto captured Gabrielle on her way out of town.  I’ve
betrayed everything I believe in.”

X:  “People like us should listen to people like Gabrielle.”

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Sold:  “Hurry, now!”

C:  “So-- what do you think?”

G:  “I think Xena’s gonna wipe the floor with you.”

C:  “I share your respect for Xena’s abilities.  I know what
she’s capable of.”

G:  “Then you must be scared witless.”

C:  “Not at all.  I relish the challenge.  I can take her.”

G:  “In your dreams.”

C:  “Well-- when she gets here, she’ll have such a _sweet_
surprise waiting for her.  Anyways-- either way, I win!”

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J:  “Quit that!”

Th:  “I found this worm sneaking around again!”

C:  “What do you want?  I told you what you had to do to gain
my favor-- and you failed.”

J:  “See the girl!”

C:  “I captured the girl.”

J:  “I softened her up for you.  I mean, just minutes before
you got her, I was pummeling her senseless.”

C:  “Yes-- and what were you hitting her with, your nose?
Silence!  There is-- but another way you can prove your worth.”

J:  “Name it, and I’ll do it.”

C:  “Bring her down.  Do her.”

J:  “Do who?”

C:  “Her-- the irritating blonde.  Slit her throat.”

J:  “I-- uh-- oh.  I-- uh-- sl-- sl-- slit her-- slit her
throat?”

C:  “Yes-- pierce the skin under the chin with the blade and
tear a hole-- this way-- like this.”

J:  “OK.”

C:  “Yes.”

J:  “Listen-- don’t you think she’d be worth more alive?  I
mean-- hey-- we could trade her for Xe-- it would make Xena
really mad, really mad.  When Xena hears about this, she’ll--”

C:  “I want her dead!  Do it!  Do it!”

J:  “Yeah.  I-- I-- I-- ”

C:  “Just as I thought-- the man’s backbone is mush.  Chain him
up.  We’ll have fun killing the jellyfish later.”

J:  “Ah.  Hey.”

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C:  “Now, we determine who is the best.  You and I in a fight
till death.  And to make things even more interesting-- take
her up!”

Th:  “Take her up!”

G:  “Do something!”

J:  “What do you expect me to do?!”

G:  “Xena!  Oh, this is really high.”

C:  “Light it!  Anytime you’re ready, Xena.”

[Ladder fight ensues.]

G:  “Come on Xena! You’re almost there!  Xena!”

Sold:  “Kill her!”

G:  “Come on, Xena!  Go Xena!  Hurry!  Come on!  Hurry!”

J:  “Wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo!”

G:  “Come on!”

X:  “Come on.”

G:  “Help!  Yeah!”

J:  “The rope’s burning!  So fall a little to the left!”

G:  “Hurry!”

X:  “Hold on, Gabrielle!  Hold on; don’t panic.”

G:  “A little higher!”

X:  “Come on, Gabrielle.”

C:  “In a way, I’m disappointed, Xena.  There was a part of me
that hoped that _you_ would win and put out the rage in my
heart.  Sometimes, it even scares me.  But then I get over it.
Nooo!  Let it burn.  [Laughs as she falls]  No!  Noooo!  Ohh!”

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G:  “I’m glad you saved Callisto.”

X:  “It was the right thing to do.”

C:  “The right thing to do-- that’s what they think.”

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