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TRANSCRIPTION OF
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN



“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”  Episode 28/204

[TEASER]

Man:  “ ...loss of so many.  Three more girls have disappeared
from a village just south of here.”

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Man:  “All right, have a safe journey.  Be very careful.”

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G:  “What did he say?”

X:  “Three more girls kidnapped from a neighboring village.
That brings the total to six.”

G:  “Who would do this?”

X:  “Shh.  Listen.”

G:  “I don’t hear anything.”

X:  “That’s your answer.  This is the Bacchae forest.”

G:  “The hunting grounds for Bacchus-- the god of wine-- and his
Bacchae followers.  So-- we should hear Orpheus.  His music is
said to tame the Bacchae.”

X:  “And without it, these woods aren’t safe.”

G:  “So you think the Bacchae took those girls?”

X:  “There’s one way to find out.”

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G:  “Do you think that the stories that people tell about the
Bacchae are-- are true?”

X:  “Some are; some aren’t.  What have you heard?”

G:  “Well, they say that-- a single bite from a Bacchae can turn
a young, innocent woman into a wild, soulless creature, whose
only allegiance is to Bacchus.”

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G:  “And, once bitten, she’s lured into his lair to drink his
blood.  If she does, there’s no way to save her.  She becomes a
Bacchae-- forever.”

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G:  “They say that-- the Bacchae women can take many forms--
sometimes, just-- roaming the forest as wolves.  Driven with an
unquenchable thirst for blood, they track their intended victim
relentlessly-- until they corner him.  Then they tear him
apart-- limb from limb.”

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G:  “But, if you ask me-- I think the stories are exaggerated--
you know?  Just-- made up to give people a really good scare.”

Joxer [J]:  [Screams]

G:  [Screams]

X:  “Get out!  Get out of here!”

J:  [More screaming]

X:  “Stay behind me!”

G:  “You don’t have to tell me twice.”

[J]:  “You dumb mutt!  You--!  And, you--!  Got’cha!  Get outta
here!  Mister Mean Dog!  Mister ‘Nip me in the--’ [Screams]
Xena!  Help!  Get off of me!  Ooh!  Ow! Ow- ow- ow- ow!  Yeah!
Get out of here!  And-- and don’t come back, either!”  [Laughs]

G:  “Joxer!”

J:  “Huh?”

G:  “Are you all right?  “

J:  “Me?  Ha-ha-ha-ha-yeah.  Never better!  You see, the secret
to defeating a wolfpack is to wear ‘em down.  I had those
mongrels right where I wanted ‘em.”

X:  “Uh-huh?  So, what brings you to these parts?”

J:  “Mission-- to save the world.  Package-- from Orpheus to
Xena.”

X:  “Orpheus?”

G:  “What is it?”

J:  “Speaks for itself.”

Orpheus [O]:  [Screams]

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[ACT I]

O:  “Ouuuchh!  Ow!  Ow!  Ouch!  Ouch!”

J:  “Never pick him up by his hair.  And he parts it in the
middle.”

X:  “Orpheus, Bacchus did this to you.”

O:  “I thought you’d recognize his handywork.  Since we last
met, I’ve dedicated my life to stopping Bacchus.  For a long
time, my music worked.  But now, he’s cursed me.  He took my
body, but left me eyes and ears to see and hear all the evil he
brings to the world.  For as long as Bacchus lives on Earth, I
will live in agony.”

G:  “So it was Bacchus who took those girls.”

O:  “Yes.  Tomorrow night, he’ll make them full-fledged
Bacchae.”

X:  “And you want my help.”

O:  “I’ve hated you for a long time, Xena.  And you’re the last
person I’d ask for a favor.  But you’re the only person who
knows Bacchus well enough to do the job.”

X:  “Do you still have your lyre?”

O:  “I’ve kept it hidden in town with my friend, Mellotus.  He
can play it while I sing.”

X:  “Knowing Bacchus, it won’t be safe for long.  Come on.”

O:  “Not so fast, Xena.  I want to remind you that innocent
lives are at stake.  Maybe this time you’ll be more careful.”

X:  “Find a way to make him presentable-- and then we’ll leave.”

J:  “Wait a minute.  What did she mean, make you presentable?”

O:  “She doesn’t want me to look like you.”

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G:  “What was that all about?”

X:  “My army fought Bacchus a long time ago.  And on the final
day of the battle, an innocent woman got caught between my army
and Bacchus’ forces.  The fighting was fierce.  There was no way
we could protect her, and she was killed.  I’m sure it was
Bacchus who killed her.  But Orpheus always blamed us both.”

G:  “Who was she?”

X:  “Orpheus’ wife.”

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Bacchus:  “Did you bring me the head of Orpheus?”

Bacchae1:  “No, master-- He got away.”

Bacchus:  “You fools!  How could you let this happen?!”

Bacchae1:  “He and his idiot companion were rescued-- by Xena.”

Bacchus:  “Xena-- It’s been too long.  She must’ve taken Orpheus
back for the lyre.  Call the others.  I have a little job for
you.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

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G:  “A festival-- looks like fun.”

J:  “Yeah, every year the villagers have a festival to scare
away the Bacchae.  They have a prize for best costume, too.
Guess we know who’s winning this year.”

O:  “Ha-ha!  Very funny.”

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O:  “Mellotus?  He must be in the back room.”  Mellotus-- no!”

X:  “The Bacchae did this.”

O:  “And they’ve taken the lyre.”

G:  “Xena-- I’m going with you.”

X:  “No, Gabrielle, I need you to stay here and protect Orpheus.
Without him, we don’t stand a chance.

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J:  “Wow!  Do you really play all these instruments?”

O:  “Leave the instruments alone!”

J:  “You know, your G is way out.  Didn’t anyone ever tell you
playing music’s for sissies?  You know, my mother wanted me to
be a musician.  Can you imagine that-- me, a musician?  Now
swordfighting-- there’s a real man’s hobby.”

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O:  “You can be a warrior and a musician.  I was.”

J:  “Yeah, right.  And a hydra makes a good house pet.”

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G:  “I’ll be right back.”

J:  “Gabrielle?”

G:  “Stay here.”

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The moon is up and there’s a chill tonight.
Come on and dance away the growing fright.
Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care.
Want to get with the rhythm till the morning light.
Used to think that I liked being all alone,
But now I’m feeling kind of warm like it’s nice to be.
And should have known better than to want to be ‘lone,
But the beat is so strong I got ta take it on.

Ah come on, ah, come on, ah, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me.
If you want my love, ya gotta drink da blood.

I want ta dance with you; I want you right next to me.
I want your soul and I’ll give you what you need to be.
Feel the music; sniff your hair.
I’ll keep you warm against the cold night air.
Just one kiss is what you need right now.
Just one kiss and I will show you how.
Just one kiss is what you need tonight.
To go dancing with the devil by the pale moonlight.

Ah come on, ah, come on, ah, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me.
If you want my love, ya gotta drink da blood.

Ah come on, ah, come on, ah, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me now.
Ah come on, ah, come on, do it with me.
If you want my love, ya gotta drink da blood.

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Bacchae1:  “Ah, the precious golden lyre-- Isn’t it beautiful?”

Man1:  “Need some help, ladies?”

Man2:  “Yeah, that hunk of gold is too heavy for pretty things
like you.”

Bacche1:  “You’re cute.  Come closer-- and I’ll let you have
it.”

Man1:  “That’s not all you’ll let me have.  Come on, beautiful.”

X:  “Hey, girls, sorry to break up the party.”

[Fight]

X:  “Where is that lyre?”

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J:  “See anything.?”

O:  “I don’t see anything.  Wait!  There she is-- in the middle
of the room with two women.”

J:  “Bacche, just like I thought.  Hold that.”

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J:  “Don’t worry Gabrielle-- I’ll save you.  Unhand her!”

G:  “Joxer!  What are you doing?!”

J:  “Bacchae!”

G:  “But, I would know a Bacchae if I saw one.”

J:  “Come on, Orpheus is waiting.”

O:  “Whoa!  Hay!  Whoa!  Hay!  Whoa!  Did you get the lyre?”

X:  “No, I found the Bacchae who took it.  Someone else got in
the way.  We’ll get it back.”

J:  “We’ll get it back?  Wait a minute; let me get this
straight.  First, we find the lyre.  Then we get someone to play
it.  Ah-- Orpheus sings; the Bacchae sleep.  Ah-- We go in, kill
Bacchus and free the girls?”

X:  “Exactly.”

J:  “That was easy enough.”

O:  “Don’t be a fool.  Bacchus has the lyre safely in his
catacombs by now.  If you go in there, he’ll kill you.”

X:  “It’s a chance I’ll have to take.”

J:  “Yeah, it’s my strategy from the get-go.  Catch ‘em off
guard.  Run that ‘he’ll kill you’ part by me again.”

X:  “It’s all right, Joxer-- you won’t be coming.  Come on,
Gabrielle.”

J:  “Wait a minute!  If she’s going, I’m going, too!  Hey, I
assembled this team!  OK, fine.  I guess you don’t want someone
who _plays the lyre_!”

O:  “You?!”

J:  “I took the music lessons, OK?”

G:  “You play the lyre.”

J:  “Yeah, I play the lyre.  Don’t advertise it all over town.
I got a reputation to maintain.”

X:  “All right.  Let’s go.”

G:  “I got you, Orpheus.”

J:  “Wait a minute!”

O and G:  “Whoa!”

J:  “Look!  On her neck-- blood-- She’s been bitten.”

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[ACT II]

G:  “So, she had blood on her neck.  I mean, she was in a fight.
It could be anything-- it could be-- a scratch.  You know--”

J:  “Listen, listen, I have seen every kind of wound encountered
by man or beast.  And that, my friend, is a bite-- specifically,
a Bacchae bite.”

G:  “Then, why hasn’t she turned into one?”

J:  “Because these things take time!  Listen, listen-- any
second now, Xena’s gonna be sporting a new set of fangs-- big
ones.  Wait a minute.  Now I know why she didn’t want me with
her.  Because she knows I’m the _only one_ who could stop her.”

G:  “You know, we could settle this right now.  I’ll just ask
her.”

J:  “No, don’t ask her a question!  Are you kidding me?
Anything you say is gonna propel her into a Bacchian frenzy!
Listen, you better give me this.  I’ll sharpen it into a point.”

G:  “Don’t be ridiculous!”

J:  “Listen, we gotta act nonchalant!  Give it to me!  Give me
that!”

X:  “Hurry up!  What are you two doing back there?”

G:  “Nothing!”

J:  “Just sharpening our weapon.  OK, fine-- but when she bites
your head off in the middle of the night, don’t come running to
me.”

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G:  “Ow!”

J:  “I got it.  You can’t be too careful with these things, you
know.  Somebody might get hacked to pieces.”

X:  “I’ll be back in a minute.  Give me that.”

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X:  “You all right?”

O:  “I’m a musician without my hands.  How should I feel?
Look-- just ‘cause you’ve agreed to help us, doesn’t make us
friends.  My wife died in your war camp, and you did nothing to
protect her.”

X:  “There was nothing I could do.  Most of my men had already
fallen.  I tried my best to hold back Bacchus in the hope that
she would escape.”

O:  “But you failed.”

X:  “Eurydice shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”

O:  “I don’t know why Eurydice thought she could befriend a
ruthless warrior like you.  Her blood is on your hands!”

J:  “I’ll tell you one thing-- nobody sleeps soundly tonight.”

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X:  “Spider-- sand spider.”

J:  “Fine.”

X:  “Everything all right?”

J:  “Yeah, yeah-- I was just-- thinking about the best way to
kill Bacchae.  Not that I haven’t killed them before, you know.”

X:  “There’s only one way to kill a Bacchae.  We’ll get what we
need on the way to the catacombs.  For now, try and get some
sleep.”

J:  “Sure!  No problem!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

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Bacchus:  “Under the light of the Baccha moon, my initiates will
drink my blood and become one of us.  By this time tomorrow, we
will have a new breed of eternal Bacchae.  And one of them will
be Xena.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

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J:  “This is it?  When you said ‘weapons,’ I was thinking a
blacksmith’s shop”

X:  “No, for this job, we need something special.  Keep quiet,
and don’t step on any graves.”

J:  “Driad, dri-- What’s a driad?”

X:  “Sworn enemies of Bacchus.  A driad bone through the heart
is the only way to kill a Bacchae.”

G:  “Do we have to dig them up?”

X:  “Not exactly.”

J:  “Well, they’re not gonna jump out at us.  [Laughs]  Whoa!
Whoa!  [Screams]”

G:  “Joxer!”

J:  “Help, Xena!  Help me!  They’re pulling me under!  I can’t
breathe!  I can’t breathe!  [Screams]  Pull!  Pull!  Horrible
animals!  Ooh, and monsters!  Oh, that was close.  He took my
boots!  They cost me fifty dinars!”

G:  “Great.”

J:  “Stupid, good-for-nothing, bag of bone!.”

G:  “What is it?!”

X:  “That’s a Driad.”

[They fight the Driads]

G:  “Watch it, Joxer!

J:  “All right, Xena!  Do something!”

O:  [Screams a lot]  “Thanks.”

J:  “Go on and run!  You coward!  Hah-hah!  Wow!  These Driad
bones are really sharp as nails.  No wonder they can kill a
Bacchae.  Hey-- Are you afraid-- of this?”

X:  “Should I be?”

J:  “No.”

O:  [Yells at Argo]

J:  “It’s just that-- Gabrielle thought that you might be a
Bacchae.  OK, maybe I thought you were one, too.  But you had
blood on your neck.”

X:  “Sorry to disappoint.”

J:  “It’s understandable.  Nothing like stalking a Bacchae to
get the blood flowing.”

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[ACT III]

X:  “Gabrielle.”

J:  “See?  What did I tell you?”

X:  “Gabrielle-- It’s all right.  I can help you.”

J:  “Where’s she going?”

X:  “The catacombs-- get Orpheus!”

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J:  “Shh!  You hear that?  Someone’s trapped!  And it sounds
like it’s coming from right behind us.”

O:  “Get me out of here!  Ah!  Not so rough, all right?!”

X:  “Yes?”

O:  “You’re wasting time.  We should be in Bacchus’ lair by
now.”

J:  “We’re looking for Gabrielle.  She turned into a Bacchae.”

O:  “There’s no time for that.  We have to kill Bacchus before
midnight.  Forget the girl.”

X:  “I can’t do that.”

O:  “I knew I should never have trusted you.  Once again, you’re
selfish desires come first.  Don’t you understand?  Bacchus is
using Gabrielle against us.  If you try to save her, you’ll fall
right into his trap.”

X:  “Save your breath.  I’m going after Gabrielle.”

O:  “Then Bacchus has won already!”

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J:  “Um, are you sure you know where we’re going?”

X:  “It’s all right, Joxer, just follow me.”

O:  “That’s right, Joxer, follow Xena blindly to your death.”

J:  “Don’t worry.  We know where we’re going.  What do you mean,
‘death’?”

O:  “It’s only a matter of time before Gabrielle bites Xena and
makes her a Bacchae too.  Xena’s friendship has blinded her to
the mission.  You have to take control.  The world is counting
on you, Joxer.”

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X:  “Joxer-- Joxer!”

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J:  “OK, OK.  If Gabrielle comes around again-- I’ll know what
to do.”

O:  “Good.”

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X:  “Keep your eyes open; she’s here somewhere.”

J:  “Well-- don’t worry.  I’m ready for anything.  Bat.
[Screams]  Get off of me!  Get off of me!  OH, YOU LITTLE
BACCHAE!”

X:  “Joxer, don’t!  Gabrielle.  Gabrielle!”

J:  “Duck!”

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[Middle Eastern-Sounding Song]

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Bacchus:  “It is time.  Drink, and become one with me--
forever.”

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X:  “Remember, your job is to find the lyre and play it as soon
as you can.  That should give me time to reach Bacchus.”

J:  “Right.”

O:  “Xena!  I-- owe you an apology.  I guess I was just looking
for someone to blame.”

X:  “Bacchus must’ve caused you a lot of pain.  Now, maybe we
can bring you some peace.”

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Bacchus:  “Now, friend of Xena-- Go ahead, my child.  Drink and
become immortal.  Become one with me.”

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[ACT IV]

X:  “She’s not interested, Bacchus!”

Bacchus:  “Xena!  So glad you could join us after all.”

X:  “Joxer, quick, on Bacchus’ throne-- get the lyre.  Hurry.”

J:  “You got it.”

Bacchus:  “Get her!”

[Fight]

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J:  “Let go of me, you little monster!  Orpheus, Orpheus!  Wake
up!  Come on!  The lyre, yes, the lyre!  Orpheus, what should I
play?!”

O:  “Anything!  Just play!”

Bacchus:  “Drink!  I command you.  Drink, and become one of us.”

J:  “Get off of me!”

X:  “Gabrielle!  No!  Joxer!  Play the lyre!”

O:  “La-la-la-la.  La-la-la-la.  La-la-la-la.  La-la-la-la.”

J:  “Any requests?”

Bacchus:  “Awake, my Bacchae!  It is time to feed!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Welcome back,
Xena.  No, Xena-- Don’t you know?  Only a Bacchae can kill me.
And you’re not one, yet.  Bite her!  And now, make her one of
us.”

X:  “Gabrielle-- do it.”

Bacchus:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Finally, Xena, you will be one of my children.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Girls:  “What happened?”  “I feel so strange.”

J:  “Well, that wasn’t so bad.  Oh.”

O:  “Thanks.”

J:  “You’re a lot taller than I thought you’d be.  Orpheus?
Hmm.”

O:  “Goodbye, Xena-- and thank you.”

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G:  “What is that?”

X:  “That’s Eurydice’s favorite tune.  Sounds like she and
Orpheus are back together again.”

G:  “It’s music to my ears.”

J:  “Guys-- wait up!  Hey-- so what’s next?”

G:  “Next, huh?”

J:  “Yeah.”

G:  “Ah, we-- we fight Medusa, right?”

X:  “Right.”

G:  “Well, you know, the-- the one with snakes all over her
head.”

X:  “Right.”

G:  “And, and-- one look, and the mightiest of men is turned
into stone.”

X:  “Right.”

J:  “Sone, huh?  Oh, hay, listen, ah, um--  I just remembered--
it’s my mom’s birthday.  And she’s getting, you know, the--.
I-- I better get back home, but, um-- I’ll catch up with you
guys a little later.”

G:  “No problem.  You know-- you almost died trying to save me.
I really want to do something to thank you.”

J:  “Farewell, my warrior chums!”

X:  “You just did.”

Bacchus:  [Laughs]

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