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“Return of Callisto”  Episode 29/205


Jailer:  “All right, time to eat, pigs!  Each of the animals
gets a ladleful.  Hey!  What do yo say, pig?”

Prisoner:  “Thank you.”

Jailer:  “You got to demand their respect.  They’re all
murderers, thieves, and perverts.  The toughest, baddest men
around.  If you get soft with them for a moment-- they’ll cut
your throat.  Now this one is a very, very special case.  Watch
what I do.  Fill ‘er up.  What do you say?”

Apprentice:  “Why is she in that contraption?”

Jailer:  “That’s Callisto.  She’s the worst of the worst.
Already crippled three guards.  Never let her out of that thing.
Come on-- what do you say?”

Callisto [C]:  “I say, before I kill you, I’m going to make you
squeal like a pig, you fat, pathetic piece of dung.”

Jailer:  “I’ve put up with your lip for too long!  Now-- what do
you got to say?!”

C:  “Thank you.”

Jailer:  “See, respect-- I demand it-- I get it.”


Apprentice:  “This is my lucky night.  Yeah!  Yeah!”


Jailer:  “Luck be a lady tonight!”

C:  “You lose.”

Jailer:  “Get her!”

Prisoners:  “Callisto!  Callisto!  Callisto!  Callisto!
Callisto!  Callisto!”

C:  “Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.”

Jailer:  [Agonizing scream]


C:  “Let them all out.  The healthy ones-- will be the beginning
of our new army.  Oh-- and the weak ones-- put them out of their
misery, hmm?  Oh-- huh-- Theodorus-- bring that with you.  I
know someone it will look-- perfect on.”

Prisoner:  “Callisto!  Callisto!  Callisto!  Callisto!
Callisto!  Callisto!”



X:  “Hello, Perdicus.  Not the smartest way to pay us a visit.”

G:  “Perdicus!”

Perdicus [P]:  “I just had to see something.”

G:  “What?”

P:  “Your face.  I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the
last time I saw you.  Gabrielle-- we’ve always been close.  You
were my closest friend.  And, well-- Gabrielle, will you be my


G:  “What have you been doing since you left Troy?”

P:  “Fighting.  That’s all I’ve been doing, it seems.  After
Troy, I-- wandered into another war.  One day, I killed three
men.  I started to have dreams about-- all the men whose lives
I’d taken.  I couldn’t stand it.  One night-- I had my dagger at
my heart.  Then I saw something.”

G:  “What?”

P:  “Your face.”

G:  “Perdicus, I don’t know if I’m really who you think I am.  I
mean, I fight.”

P:  “But you never kill.  I know that.  Gabrielle-- we were to
be married once.  And you decided that that wasn’t to be.  And
you were right.  You were right.  I wasn’t ready, either.  But I
am now.  I love you-- and if you’ll take me-- I want you to be
my wife.”

G:  “I’m sorry.  I-- just excuse me-- OK?”


Boy:  “The barrel’s ribbed with iron.”

Joxer [J]:  “Yeah-- I know that!  That’s why I chose it!
Anybody can split an ordinary barrel in two!  But, Joxer the
Magnificent chose an iron-ribbed one!  You see-- I like the
challenge of choosing the hardest opponents, huh?  The toughest,
the most vicious opponents.”

Boy:  “Like them.”

J:  “Right, just-- whoa!  Whoa!  Callisto!  Don’t make me hurt

C:  “Joxer-- the last time I saw you, you wanted to join my
army, and now you want to fight me?  Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk,
tsk-- I am so disappointed.”

J:  “Yeah-- well I turned good-- just like Xena.”

C:  “Yeah?  Well, I haven’t.”

J:  “Oh-- [fumbles for words]”

C:  “Be a dear, and deliver a message to the good Xena for me--
will you?”

J:  “Sure.”

C:  “Tell her this.  She should have killed me when she had the
chance.  For every drop of innocent blood I shed-- from here on
out-- is on her hands as well as mine.”

J:  “OK.”

C:  “Good boy.  Come!”

J:  “Bye.”


X:  “So, what’s your answer.”

G:  “No, of course.”

X:  “Why don’t you tell him?”

G:  “I’m waiting for the right time.”

X:  “He’s a good man.”

G:  “He is.  He’s so sensitive and kind.  You know-- I’ve never
known anyone that I’ve ever been so comfortable around-- besides

X:  “Look, Gabrielle-- if it’s me you’re worried about, let me
set your mind at rest.  Seeing you happy will make me happy.
And if that means settling down with Perdicus, then-- you have
my blessing.”

J:  “Xena!  Xena!  It’s-- Callisto!  She’s out!”


C:  “I’ve missed you, Xena.”

X:  “You never wrote.”

C:  “Hmm-- hmm.  Ahhh!  Don’t move, pretty.  That sentimental
side of you is a real problem now, isn’t it?  You fight with
your heart.  That gives me advantage over you.  I no longer seem
to have one.  I’m not gonna kill you, now-- oh, no.  First, I’m
going to kill your soul-- just like you killed mine.  See you
soon, my sweet  [Kiss gesture].”

Woman’s Voice:  “Help!”


Woman:  “Help!  My baby!”

X:  “Gabrielle!”

G:  “Thanks!”

P:  “I can’t do this anymore.  If you don’t wanna come with me--
it’s not gonna change the way I feel about you.  I love you more
than anything.  But I’m done fighting.  I’m going home.”

G:  “But--”

X:  “Where’s he going?”

G:  “The answer’s ‘yes,’ Xena.  I’m gonna marry him.”



Priest:  “May the winds bring forth also good fortune.  May the
same force that molded the beauty of these rose petals bless
your union for eternity.”

P:  “I love you, Gabrielle.  I’m so happy.”

G:  “Oh, Xena.”

J:  “Congratulations.”

P:  “Xena.”

X:  “Perdicus, congratulations.”

G and P:  “Thank you.”

J:  “Xena.”

G:  “Before we go, I need to speak with Xena.”

J:  “I’m sorry.”

P:  “Take your time.”  

G:  “OK.”

X:  “Joxer.”

J:  “Huh?”

X:  “Take a walk.”

J:  “Oh, right.  Hey-- Perdicus.”

X:  “I’m so happy for you.”

G:  “I’m gonna miss you-- so much.”

X:  “Hey, it’s not like we’ll never see one another again.  I’ll
visit you all the time.”

G:  “You promise?”

X:  “I’ll be knocking on your door so often, you’ll be sick of

G:  “Hmm-- never.”

J:  “Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

G:  “You know, I think I fell in love with him at Troy.”

X:  “No kidding.”

G:  “Huh.”

X:  “Gabrielle-- I am not going to _let_ you say goodbye.
That’s not what this is.  We’ll see one another again soon.
Hah, hah.”

P:  “You ready, sweetheart?  Shall we?”

G:  “Hah-ha-ha!”

X:  “Goodbye, Gabrielle.”


P:  “You’re gonna miss her, aren’t you?”

G:  “Yeah.  I’m more worried about her missing me, though.
She’s gonna be all alone.  I have you.”

P:  “That makes you happy?”

G:  “Very-- I-- if we have a daughter, do you think we can

P:  “Xena-- I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

G:  “Ah-- Perdicus?  I’ve-- I’ve never been with a man, before.
Have you?  Been with women?”

P:  “Uh-- well-- I was-- I was a soldier, and--”

G:  “I don’t need to hear anymore.”

P  “Does that bother you-- that I’ve-- I’ve been with-- other

G:  “A little.  But I guess one of us should be good at it.”

P:  “Hey-- I never said that I was good at it.”


X:  “Hello, Theodorus.  We’ve been through all this before.  But
in case you don’t remember the details, you’ll be dead in
seconds if you don’t tell me where Callisto is.”

Th:  “I don’t know where she is.”

X:  “Wrong answer.”

Th:  “That’s the truth!  She left hours ago.”

X:  “Come on, Theodorus.  She knew I was coming.  She’s much too
good a hostess not to be here to greet me.”

Th:  “I’m telling you the truth.  When I told her you were
travelling without Gabrielle-- she said, ‘Perfect,’ and left.”


G:  “Perdicus-- I know what love is, now.  It’s life.
Everything is united by love alone.”

C:  “Oh-- love, love, love, love.  Oh, it unites, you’re right.
And hate divides.  Let’s see which one’s stronger, shall we?”

P:  “What do you want?  We’re unarmed.”

C:  “Good-- that makes things simple then, doesn’t it?”

G:  “Perdicus!  Perdicus?”

C:  “Nighty-night.  I longed to see you wailing over the body of
your friend.”

X:  “Well, it’s not going to happen.”

C:  “Hmm?”

G:  “No!  No!  Perdicus.”

C:  “That’ll do.”

G:  “No, Perdicus!  Oh!  No!  Xena!  Oh, no!  Oh, no, no,



G:  “That’s the last one.”

X:  “What do you mean?”

G:  “From here on out-- all I want on my hands is Callisto’s

X:  “Gabrielle-- leave Callisto to me.  You need time to mourn.”

G:  “I have the rest of my life to mourn.  I want to see her

X:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “In the morning, I’m going after her.  Now, the question is,
are you going to come with me, or not?”


X:  “Gabrielle.”

G:  “Is is time?”

X:  “Yes.”

G:  “I’m ready.”

X:  “Gabrielle, when we find her, don’t go up against her one on
one.  You’ll be dead in seconds.”

G:  “If she dies with me-- that’ll be fine.”

X:  “Not with me it won’t.  Besides, she’d chop you into little
pieces before you even struck a first blow.”

G:  “That’s because you never taught me how to use a sword.
Now, that’s going to change-- right now.  I want a lesson.”

X:  “No.”

G:  “Why?”

X:  “Because I won’t help you destroy all the ideals that you
live by.”

G:  “My ideals were a lie.  I thought love was the strongest
power on Earth.  What a fool.  Love is helpless in the face of

X:  “Gabrielle, if you’re taken over by hatred-- Callisto wins.”

G:  “I’ve got news for you, Xena.  She’s already won.  Now, show
me how to use a sword.”

X:  “Not a chance.”

G:  “Xena!  Teach me.”

X:  “No.”

G:  “Teach me.  Teach me!  Teach me!”

X:  “I won’t do it.”

G:  “Xena, wake up and look around you!  The little innocent
Gabrielle is dead, and there’s no getting her back.  Just teach
me how to use a sword, so, at least I stand a fighting chance.

X:  “All right, pick it up.  First thing, is that your sword--
is not a staff.  You have to learn how to parry so you can look
for an opening.  And keep eye contact.  That’s how you
anticipate the next move.”

G:  “OK.  Again.  Again.  Again!  I’m gonna kill her.  Again!
Teach me.  Teach me!  Teach me.  Again.  Again!  Teach me how to
kill her, Xena.  I’m gonna cut her open and watch her bleed.
I’m gonna kill her, Xena!  Teach me how to kill her.”


Th:  “A beverage, my Queen.”

C:  “You know I don’t drink intoxicants, Theodorus.”

Th:  “I thought maybe just this once.”

C:  “No-- I like to experience life in all its agonizing glory.
I don’t want to dull the sensations in any way.”

Th:  “What?”

C:  “You’re not falling in love with me, are you?”

Th:  “And what if I was?”

C:  “I’d have to kill you.  Love is a trick that nature plays to
get us to reproduce.  I want no part of it.”


G:  “Where is she?  She should be back by now.  I’m going.”

X:  “No, you’re not.  They’re haveing a party up there.  If we
wait until dawn, half of them will be passed out.  And then, I’m
going in after Callisto.  I found an unguarded passage.”

G:  “What am I supposed to do?”

X:  “Stay here.  If Callisto comes out, I won’t be far behind,
and don’t try and take her on one on one.”

G:  “I don’t think so.”

X:  “Listen, if you really want Callisto to get what’s coming to
her, you do it my way.”


X:  “If anyone’s listening-- you know, I’m not much for praying.
But I don’t know what else to do.  I was ready to give up once,
and-- and Gabrielle came into my life.  Please-- don’t let that
light that shines out of her face go out.  I couldn’t stand the
darkness that would follow.”


G:  “Xena.”

X:  “Yeah?”

G:  “You were right.  I need to mourn.  I’m going home.”

X:  “Yes-- yeah, that’s the best thing to do.  Rest-- grieve.
I’ll take care of Callisto, I promise.”

G:  “I know.  But, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll set out right

X:  “OK.”

G:  “Goodbye.”


X:  “It’s time.”

J:  “You know, Xena, I know you don’t think very much of me--
and that’s fine.  But I care about Gabrielle, too.  And I would
do anything to avenge her loss, including sacrificing my own

X:  “You’ve got a good heart, Joxer-- but take my advice, and
keep it far away from Callisto.”



G  [Thinking:  “No look, you promise me.  If something happens
to me, you will not become a monster.”

P:  “But you never kill.  I know that.  I love you.”

X:  “Don’t let that light that shines out of her face go out.”]

C  [Now speaking for real]:  “I don’t understand you.  After all
I did-- you still can’t kill me.”

G:  “I won’t take a life-- even yours.  I’d rather die.”

C:  “Oh, but you will.”

G:  “Get it over with.”

C:  “Oh, no, no, no, no.  I’m going to make a grand show of your
death.  And I’ll need an audience who will truly appreciate it.”


Warrior:  “Don’t move!”

C:  “Welcome.”


C:  “Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.  It’s a nice fit, don’t you

X:  “Don’t get too fond of it.”

C:  “How are you gonna get out of this one, Xena-- hmm?”

X:  “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

C:  “Oh, but it will be, soon.  You’re about to watch the
friendship of your life go up in smoke.  Hmm-- I envy her in a
way.  She gets to leave this life so pure.  I wonder if I could
have been her.  Burn her.  Oh, don’t bother struggling, Xena.
Be thankful for that beautiful throne.  It’ll give you peace if
you let it.”

J:  “I’m coming, Xena!”

[Fight ensues throughout]

C:  “What could you possibly have been thinking?”

J:  “I’m here to save my friends.”

Warriors:  “That’s all it’ll take.”  “She’s escaping!”  “  Don’t
just stand there, get her!”  “Run for your lives!”  “Somebody,
stop her!”  “Get away while you can!”

C:  “Oh, how I do love watching you work.  Looks like we’re at a
standstill.  How good are you at chariots, Xena-- hmm?”

G:  “Get her, Xena!”


C:  “Yah!  Yah!”

X:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Get on, yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

C:  “Yah!  Yah!”

X:  “Yah!  Yah!  Callisto!  Yah!”

C:  “Yaaaah!”

X:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

C:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

X:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

C:  “Yah!  Enjoying the ride, Xena?  Aaaah!  Want to go faster?
[Laughs]  We’re both gonna die, Xena.  How wonderful.  We can
spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus, together-- hmm?”

X:  “Always the optimist.”

C:  “Oh, you’re good, Xena.  Xena-- help me.  Xena!  Xena.
Please-- Xena.  Help me-- please?  You can’t just let me die,
Xena.  Xena.  Xena.  I’m counting on you.  Help me.  Help me!
Help me!  Xena!  Aaaaaah!”


J:  “Oh-- honestly, how bad is it?”

X:  “Terminal.”

J:  “No, really.”

X:  “Not bad.  But it’ll leave a nice scar.”

J:  “Yeah?”

X:  “Yep, Joxer, you’re a brave man.”

J:  “Yeah, I mean-- yeah.  You know, Xena, I was thinking-- a
warrior of my quality should let you off the hook.  I’m setting
off on my own.  I’m sorry.”

X:  “I’ll live.”

J:  “Joxer-- the Good-- the Warm; Joxer the Valiant.”

X:  “What were you doing?”

G:  “Loving him.”

X:  “He’ll hear your thoughts.”

G:  “I know-- forever and ever.”

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