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TRANSCRIPTION OF
THE XENA SCROLLS



“The Xena Scrolls”  Episode 10/37

[TEASER]

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Smythe:  [Laughing over map of Macedonia]

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[Macedonia, 1942]

Man:  [Translation]  “I found it!  I found it!  I found it!”

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Driver:  “Here you go, Ma’am.”

Melinda [Mel]:  “Hello.”

Man’s Voice:  “Idiot.”

Mel:  “Hello-- anybody home?”

Man’s Voice:  “Someone’s coming.  Shh!”

Mel:  “Hello?!”

Jacques [Jac]:  “Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.”

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Mel:  “Hello.  Is anyone home?”

Goon1:  “Give me the briefcase, now.”

Mel:  “Oh, my.”

Janice [Jan]:  “Now, that’s no way to treat a lady.  Run
along now, boys.  I don’t have time to play.”

Goon1:  “She’s out of bullets.”

Jan:  “Ventilate my hat!  Hah-hah!  Hah!  Hah-hah!  Ahh!
Now, dance.  Get outta here!”

Mel:  “I could’ve been killed.”

Jan:  “Who are you?”

Mel:  “I’m Mel Pappas, and I’m looking for Dr. Janice
Covington.”

Jan:  “You’re Mel Pappas.”

Mel:  “Yes, Ma’am.”

Jan:  “Winner of the 1924 Nobel Prize for anthropology; Dean
of the University of South Carolina-- Nice try.  Professor
Pappas died a year ago.”

Mel:  “Well, I know that.  I’m his daughter, Melinda
Pappas-- Mel, for short.”

Jan:  “Around here, it’s hard to know who to trust.  What do
you want?”

Mel:  “Well, I was going through my Daddy’s records, and I
found an old telegram from you.”

Jan:  “Yeah?  So?”

Mel:  “In it, you said you wanted help translating ancient
writings, and-- and here I am!”

Jan:  “I don’t think so.”

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Mel:  “Wait.”

Jan:  “How did Smythe’s men get in here?”

Man:  “Mmm-mmm.”

Jan:  “I told you I want a lookout posted around-the-clock.”

Man:  “Mmm.  Mmm-mmm.  Mmm.”

Jan:  “Keep an eye out.”

Man:  “Yes, Ma’am.”

Mel:  “Who’s Smythe?”

Jan:  “Look-- you don’t belong here.  Now, if you want, I’ll
have one of my men take you back to town.”

Mel:  “And why did they want to get my briefcase?”

Jan:  “They must be looking for the tablet.  It’s the key to
unlocking the tomb we found.  Nikos?”

Men:  “The curse!  help us!”

Jan [Translation]:  “Come back!  Come back!  [English]
There are no curses-- it’s a knife!  They think this tomb is
haunted.  Of course, murder isn’t real good for morale,
either.”

Mel:  “Murder?”

Jan:  “It sure as hell ain’t suicide, sweetheart.  Still
wanna hang around, Mel Pappas?”

Mel:  “What’s in that tomb that would drive men to murder?”

Jan:  “The most important archaeological find of the
century-- Something that will revolutionize the way we look
at the ancient world.  It has the power to turn myth into
history, history into myth-- the Xena Scrolls.”

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[ACT I]

Jan [Reading]:  “And everyone heard the battle cry of the
fair-haired Xena.  Though her dark nemesis fought bravely,
she was still no match for our hero.”

Mel:  “Now, wait a minute.  Xena was the dark-haired one.
The blonde was an imposter named Callisto.  Well, it’s an
easy mistake to make.  But the rest goes like this--
[Reading] Desperate to save her friend, the great warrior
woman leaped into action.”

X:  “Don’t panic!”

Mel:  “And Xena saved Callisto from the fate she most
desired-- her own death.  Before he died, Daddy taught me to
read ancient syntax.  I could be a great help to you in
reading these myths or stories, whatever--”

Jan:  “History.  It’s history.  That’s why it’s so valuable.
You know, many people doubt the existence of the scrolls,
even with this proof.  My father found this years ago on
another dig site.”

Mel: “Your Daddy was an archaelologist, too?”

Jan:  “He was the best that ever lived.”

Mel:  “Covington-- Covington-- I don’t recall an
archaeologist called Co-- Oh, my goodness.  You’re the
daughter of Harry Covington, the--”

Jan:  “The graverobber.  Yeah, that’s what everyone else
called him, why not you?”

Mel:  “Well, I’m sure it’s just an unfair description.”

Jan:  “Hah!  No, it’s right on.  He’d sell anything he could
to the highest bidder.  But not for greed.  Everything he
did was to finance his search for the scrolls.  And now that
I’m this close to proving his quest wasn’t in vain, I’m not
about to enlist the aid of some spoiled brat who’s trying to
live on her father’s reputation.”

Mel:  “Just like you’re trying to live down your Daddy’s
reputation?!”

Jan:  “What did you say?”

Mel:  “Nothing.  I just mean, that maybe we’re both living
in our Daddies’ shadows, as different as those shadows are.”

[Jac’s Voice in the background]

Jan:  “Now, what?”

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Jac:  “Go away”

Jan:  “Don’t even move.”

Jac:  “I am a friend.  If I want, you would be dead, now.”

Jan:  “How do you figure that, huh?  I’ve got a gun at your
neck.”

Jac:  “I know you was there all the time.  I could have
killed you in the blin of an eye.”

Jan:  “A what?”

Jac:  “Blin-- blin--  Don’t you speak English?  Hmm?”

Jan:  “Who are you?  What do you want?”

Jac:  “Allow me to introduce myself, Dr. Covington.  I am
Lieutenant Jacques S’er, special reconnaissance division,
uh, Free-French Army.”

Jan:  “What can I do for you, Lieutenant?”

Jac:  “Well, uh, first, you can introduce me to this
charming beauty-- Enchante’.”

Jan:  “Is there a point to your visit?”

Jac:  “I am here for your protection.  You see, the French
government has a vital interest in these scrolls.  They may
unlock the secret to ancient mysteries-- powers so strong
that-- it is within the interest of all-- decent people-- to
do everything they can to keep it out of the wrong hands,
hmm?”

Mel:  “Oh, you mean like the Nazis?”

Jan:  “Relax!  I’d never let those bastards get the
scrolls.”

Jac:  “Let us hope not, but-- it is within your family’s
tradition to respond to a-- um-- healthy financial offer,
huh?”

Mel:  “Hey!  Janice’s Daddy was interested in the truth
about the scrolls and nothing else!  And so is Janice.”

Jac:  “Hmm.”

Jan:  “How did the French government find out about my
scrolls?”

Jac:  “Well, we French are students of ah-- archaeology,
and-- we know that there are powerful secrets within the
scrolls with regard to, um, the deep dark secrets of the
gods.”

Smythe [Sm]:  “Covington!  Look what I’ve got.  The key.”

Jan:  “You can’t decipher it, Smith.”

Sm:  “That’s Smythe.  No, I can’t-- but, you can.  If you
help me, I’m willing to offer a nice payday.”

Jan:  “I’m not interested in your money.”

Sm:  “Oh!  Come now-- the daughter of Harry Covington not
interested in money?  Don’t make me giggle.  I’ll pay you
100,000 American dollars.”

Jan:  “That’s a lot of moolah.”

Sm:  “Ah.”

Jan:  “Maybe we can do business after all-- Guess it’s in my
blood, honey.  Show me what you got.  This could be the
ticket.  Shall we try it out?”

Sm:  “Bring her friends along.”

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Smythe’s Man:  “Come on.”

Jac:  “We French make love, not war.  But in your cases,
I’ll make an exception.”

Jan:  “This tablet’s a fake.”

Sm:  “Why?  What’s wrong?”

Mel:  “No, no, that’s not a fake.  Look-- first ruby, then
emerald.  Here, let me try.”

Sm:  “I like her-- pretty and smart.”

Jan:  “Had to stay and help, didn’t you?”

Sm:  “So, playing games, are we?  Well-- if you don’t like
my money, I have other plans  Hmm.”

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Sm [?]:  “Ladies first.”

Jan:  “What a gentleman.”

Jac:  “But, of course.”

Jan:  “Not you, idiot.”

Mel:  “It’s dark.”

[Screams]

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[ACT II]

Mel:  “Where’s Smythe?”

Jan:  “He got what he deserved.”

Mel:  “Wow!  Some great battle was fought here.  I don’t
know why, but I get the feeling that this was the site of
some titanic struggle between-- good and evil.  Hah.  Oh.
‘All ye who enter beware the rock of the god of war.’”

Jan:  “Legend has it-- Xena and Ares were bound by some deep
bond.”

Ares:  “By the gods, you are a beauty.  You must know, I’ve
missed you.”

X:  “What do you want?”

Ares:  “I want you back, of course.  My Warrior Princess
living as my Warrior Queen.  We were once a great match.”

X:  “I didn’t know any better then.  I thought your ways
were all there was for me.”

Ares:  “I think you’d be more comfortable in this.  Now that
you do know-- there is another side to life-- now, tell me--
are you really having more fun these days?”

X:  “I’m fighting for a better world.”

Ares:  “My dear Xena, you were always fighting for a better
world.  You were going to conquer it-- and then-- you were
going to rule it.”

Jac:  “Ares’ tomb.  The natives very well may have been
right.  This place could be cursed.”

Mel:  “Well, it was kind of funny that that rockslide
happened just as we came in.”

Jan:  “There are no curses.”

Jac:  “That is where you are wrong.  You see-- I, for one,
am cursed with a certain personal magnetism.  And once, when
on a mission to Egypt for the French Secret Service, I came
across a curse so horrible, that, um-- only a man of my
training and expertise could have faced it-- and lived.”

Jan:  “Wait a minute.  I saw that movie.”

Jac:  “Yes, of course, I must have confused it with my real
battle against the supernatural.”

Mel:  “Excuse me, but-- that was a movie, too.”

Jac:  “Yes, but who do you think gave them the idea?”

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Mel:  “What do we do now?”

Jan:  “We find the scrolls and get out of here.  Don’t touch
anything that looks suspicious.  These tombs are set with
booby-traps to stop thieves.”

Jac:  “Mmm-mmm.  [Screams]”

Mel:  “Ooops!  Well, it didn’t look suspicious.”

Jan:  “Sit down and stay out of my way.  I’ll find the
scrolls myself.”

Mel:  “Dr. Covington, come here!  Look what I found!”

Jan:  “I said, sit down and don’t talk.  This stone--  Look
for--  Some kind of release.”

Mel:  “Oh, my.  Did you ever hear about Xena’s true love,
Marcus?  It’s so romantic.”

Jac:  “Listen, we are busy.  We don’t have time for the love
story.”

Mel:  “But, this is so much more.  Xena swam to the
Underworld because her love Marcus called for her.”

X:  “Marcus-- oh, it feels so good to hold you.  Marcus!”

Mel:  “Evil had taken control-- and innocent soldiers
suffered.  But Xena fought for good.”

Marcus:  “Xena!  Hurry!”

Mel:  “They held immortality in their hands.  But Xena did
not give in to temptation-- even though it meant saying
goodbye to the man she loved.”

Hades:  “You must go now, Xena.  Marcus is in the Elysian
fields forever.  Now, say goodbye.”

Marcus:  “Keep thinking of me.”

Jac:  “You know, you move me with the story of love.  Ah,
well, that is.”

Jan:  “The scrolls!  He was right!  All those years of
people doubting him.  And I’m gonna prove him right with
this discovery.”

Mel:  “Well, I’m sure I’m very happy for your Daddy and you.
But, wouldn’t you say it’s our little discovery?”

Jan:  “If you even think that I’m gonna give you credit for
leading me--.”

Jac:  “Listen, who cares who gets the credit?  Why don’t we
pick up these little pieces of paper and get out of here?”

Mel:  “What’s this?”

Jac:  “Hah?  Don’t know-- necklace-- something.  Who cares?”

Jan:  “The chakram-- Xena’s most powerful weapon.”

Mel:  “Why don’t you give me a try?”

Jan:  “If I can’t do it, you can’t.  I loosened it for you.
You can hang onto it till we get the rest of the scrolls.
Let’s get outta here.  Where’d she go?”

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Sm:  “Looking for this?  [Laughs]”

Mel:  “Oh, my.”

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[ACT III]

Jan:  “Hold it, Smythe!  Fire that gun and you’ll create a
rockslide that’ll bury all of us alive.”

Jac:  “Yes, all of us.  Ha-ha-ha-ha!  Oooh!”

Sm:  “Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

Jan:  “Not this time.  Get the girl!”

Jac:  “All right.  Don’t tell me what--”

Jan:  “Move!”

Sm:  “Apprehend her.”

Jac:  “Release her!  Release her!”

Jan:  “Move!”

Jac:  “Come now, Mademoiselle.”

Mel:  “Quit pulling me.  

Sm:  “Ah-- Ah-ah-ah-- rockslide.”

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Jac:  “Mm-hmm.  We will be safe in here.  Qu’est-ce qu
c’est?  What did I tell you?  This place is cursed.”

Jan:  “There are no curses.  This was obviously a case of
dormant embers being hit by oxygen-- resulting in
spontaneous combustion.”

Jac:  “What?!  Embers don’t lie dormant for thousands of
years!  Obviously, some sort of curse.  What are we going to
do?  I know.  We’ll stand with our rear ends facing each
other.  That’d-- no.  Curses don’t know fronts from rears.
We’ll counter-curse it.  You must know some kind of a curse.
My grandmother-- she was a witch, um--  Boil, boil!  No.
There’s no oxygen in here.  I can’t breathe!  I’m-- starting
to panic uncontrollably!”

Jan:  “Pull yourself together, man!”

Sm:  “Enough games.  I want the scrolls and the chakram
now.”

Mel:  “Shazam!”

Jan:  “Mel!”

Ares:  “Mmmmm!  Ahh.  That feels good.”

Jac:  “Would you mind slapping me again?  I’m
hallucinating.”

Ares:  “I’ve been expecting you.  Welcome to the prison that
has held me for centuries.”

Sm:  “Oh!  Ah, excuse me, my good fellow.  I think you’ll
find that this tomb is mine.”

Ares:  “Go ahead-- take your best shot.”

Sm:  “Ah-- eliminate him.”

Sm’s Men:  “Huh?”  “Huh?”

Sm:  “Who are you?”

Ares:  “The last sight you’ll ever see.”

Sm:  “My God.”

Jac:  “Fear not, ladies.  I-- shall not go down without a
fight.  Did I not tell you, that I was captain of my boxing
team in my division?  Ah, you like it?  Oh, you’re not ready
for the duck, duck, weave, huh?”

Ares:  “Oh, please.  Does the brush salesman from New Jersey
think he can defeat the god of war?”

Jan:  “Ares.  Brush salesman?”

Jac/Jack:  [Laughs] “Ah I, uh-- I li-- I mean, ah-- I lied.
Ow, ow, ow!  How are ya?  Jack Kleinman, Victory Brush
Company, Hoboken.  I tried to enlist to fight the Fuhrer,
but I got 4F’ed-- you dig?  So I came here to fight the Nazi
bastards, so they wouldn’t get the scrolls.”

Jan:  “How did you find out about the scrolls.”

Ares:  “My guess is from the family tradition passed down
from ancient times.”

Jan:  “You’re related to Xena?”

Jack:  “Well-- “

Ares:  [Laughs] “No-- no, not Xena.”

Jox:  “You wanna fight, huh?  Fine with me.  You made me
mad, now, little girl.  [Laughs, then screams.]  You’ve just
made a serious mistake.  You broke my crossbow!  That does
it.  I’m gonna rip you apart with my bare hands!
Hahhhhhhh!”

Ares:  “His kind give warriors a bad name.  I see you’ve
kept your family’s reputation for undiluted idiocy intact.
For thousands of years, my spirit has been trapped here in
this tomb, waiting for a certain someone to claim the
chakram-- and make it whole.  Now, I am flesh again, and it
feels so good!”

Jan:  “What do you want from us?”

Ares:  “A simple favor.  It is written that only a
descendant of Xena can release me back into the world.  I
want out.”

Jan:  “Of course, I’m a descendant of Xena.  You can forget
it, Ares.  The world doesn’t need any more of you.”

Ares:  “Silly girl-- I don’t need you.”

Jan:  “You just said-- ”

Ares:  “Oh, you are related to someone in the scrolls, but--
it’s not Xena.”

Jan:  “Who?”

Ares:  “I’ll give you a hint-- think ‘irritating blonde’.”

Callisto:  “You want it?  Come and get it!”

Ares:  “Wrong blonde.”

X:  “You all right?”

G:  “I’m great.  I-- I can’t see, but-- I’m good.”

X:  “Try using both eyes.”

G:  “Ah-- Oh yeah, that’s better, uh-huh.”

X:  “Think you can stand?”

G:  “You mean, I’m not?”

X:  “Come on!  There you go.”

G:  “By the gods!”

X:  “What is it?”

G:  “You are beautiful!”

X:  “Uh-huh!”

Ares:  “Ah-- heir apparent.  It’s time, Melinda.  Release
me-- and I will regain all my powers-- my godhood.  If the
world thinks it knows death and destruction now-- wait till
they get a load of me!”

X:  “Think again, Ares.”

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[ACT IV]

Ares:  “Xena-- it’s been too long.”

X:  “Not long enough.  Get outta here.”

Jack:  “Let’s blow.  Come on!”

Ares:  “Tsk!  Oh-- I’m in your blood.  You know you can’t
fight me.”

X:  “Ares, the answer is no.”

Ares:  “Why don’t you-- just give me what I’ve wanted for
centuries?”

X:  “Enjoy.”

Ares:  “You can run, Xena!  But you can’t hide. [Laughs]”

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X:  “You all right?”

Jan:  “Yeah.”

X:  “Good.”

Jan:  “You are Xena.”

X:  “Yeah.”

Jan:  “Mel is your descendant.  How could I think it was me?
My father’s a thief.  My mother-- she ran out on us.  And
I’m related to the useless tag-along, Gabrielle.”

X:  “Now, you listen to me.  Gabrielle was never useless.
She cared for others more than herself.”

G:  “Terreis!  Hold on.”

X:  “She was the finest friend anyone could ever have.”

X:  “No-- No-- Come on, Gabrielle.  Come on, come on.  Don’t
leave me.  Don’t you leave me!  Don’t leave me!  Don’t leave
me!  Wake up!  Wake up!  Wake up!”

Jan:  “You make her sound important.”

X:  “She is to me.  Be proud you’re part of her family.  I
am.”

X:  “Gabrielle-- I want you to understand something.  We
both have families we were born into.  But sometimes
families change, and we have to build our own.  For me, our
friendship binds us closer than blood ever could.”

G:  “For me, too.”

X:  “I’ve gotta get back there-- put Ares back where he
belongs.”

Jan:  “Could you use some help?”

X:  “Come on.”

Jack:  “Hey!  Hey!  What, were you two Janes just going to
leave me in there?”

X:  “No, that’d be awful-- People are trying to rest in
there.”

Jack:  “Yeah, ‘cause-- Funny.”

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X:  “Wait here.”

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Ares [Laughs]  “Xena-- nice of you to show up.  Now, release
me or, uh-- they die.”

X:  “There’s no room in this world for you anymore, Ares.”

Ares:  “Oh, you’re wrong.  The world’s become a glorious
place.  The weapons-- more lethal.  The people-- more
hateful.  And there’s a new leader-- A lot of vision, a lot
of potential.  His name is-- Hitler.  With my help, he’s
gonna make a lot of positive changes.  The eye of
Hephaestus-- it holds me here.  You strike it with your
chakram and set me free.  You have no choice, Xena.  Do it!”

X:  “All right-- but you’re not going anywhere till they’re
safe.”

Ares:  “Of course.  I’m a-- god of honor.”

Jac:  “Hmm?  What the?  Ball!”

Ares:  “I’m way ahead of you, Xena.  Yes!  Freedom!  Later.”

X:  “It is later, Ares.”

[Fight throughout the rest of the scene]

Ares:  “Not now, Xena.  This has been fun, but, really.
[Laughs]  You never give up, do ya?”

X:  “Get outta here, run!”

Ares:  “You could’a had it all, but now I’m mad.  Both of
you at the same time-- Why not?”

Jac:  “Oh-- Doc-- the door!”

Jan:  “Run!”

Jac:  “I can’t hold it!”

Jan:  “Run!”

Mel:  “Oh, my.”

Jac:  “Doc!  The door!  Let’s blow!”

Jan:  “Come on!”

Ares:  “No!”

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Jan:  “This’ll keep Ares busy for a while.  Sayonara,
sucker! [Detonates TNT]  All right, Jack-- You wanna join me
on my next dig?”

Jack:  “Sorry, sweety, I got things.  You know-- things.
Don’t say it, baby.  You’re something else.  You’re a
swell-looking tomato with a nice set of gambs, but baby-- I
gotta go-- Dig?”

Mel:  “Yeah, I dig.”

Jan:  “You were right.”

Mel:  “I was, about what?”

Jan:  “We were both living in our father’s shadows.”

Mel:  “Well, maybe it’s time that we both stepped out into
the world and showed them what we can do.”

Jan:  “Together?”

Mel:  “Well, not if you don’t want-- to.”

Jan:  “Come on.  You can give me a hand.”

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[Fifty years later...]

Ted:  “Then they start this chanting, right?  Kanda, kanda.
I’m not married to her.  Kanda, kanda-- right?  Then this
big, worm-eaten, scary dude comes out from behind and goes,
‘Rah’!”

Rob:  “Done it.”

Ted:  “OK.  OK.  Rob-- dude, man, I mean-- listen.  I gotta
go to Warner’s in an hour with this, and I might have to
give this thing to ‘em, you know?”

Rob:  “Then go.  Tell Bugs I said hello.”

Ted:  “Uh, all right, listen.  Dude-- I wasn’t even gonna
show this to you.  All right.  These are the scrolls, man.”

Rob:  “Scrolls?  What scrolls?”

Ted:  “The Xena Scrolls.  It’s about this guy, Joxer.  These
were in my grandfather’s attic, and he had ‘em translated,
dude.   I mean, listen.  We don’t have to make this thing
like big budget, you know?  We can shoot this in a
third-world country, using the locals.  And for the lead
guy, Joxer, I’m thinking-- Matt LeBlanc, if he’s available--
you know?  It’s good, I like-- it’s good.  You-- what do you
think?”

Rob:  “Pretty interesting stuff.  Tell me more about this
Xena.”

Narrator:  “She was Xena-- A mighty princess, forged in the
heat of battle.”


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