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“Blind Faith”  Episode 42/218


X:  “Good, there’s a tavern.  I’m hungry.”

G:  “Hey!  I’ve got an idea.  Let’s shop.”

X:  “What do we need?”

G:  “No, not that kind of shop.  Shop, shop.  You know,
browsing, haggling, getting a deal.”

X:  “A deal on what?”

G:  “Ah, who knows?  See, that’s the fun part.”

Woman’s Voice:  “That’s outragious!”  

G:  “Something completely frivolous.  Xena, come on, let’s
squander a couple of dinars.”

X:  “Hey.”

G:  “OK, I can see it’s not your thing.”

X:  “Look, if _you_ wanna browse, haggle, and squander, go
ahead.  I’ll meet you in the tavern.”

G:  “Hmmm.”


G:  “Uh.  How much for this piece of scrap?”

Vendor:  “That finely-woven Egyptian prayer scarf is five

G:  “You’ve gotta be kidding.”

Vendor:  “I suppose I could knock a dinar off the price for

G:  “Yeah, why don’t you?  Some fool might come by who wants to
throw away four dinars.”

Vendor:  “I can go as low as three dinars-- but, that’s firm.”

G:  “Well, you know, I guess I could use it to wipe the sweat
off my horse.  One dinar.”

Vendor:  “Two, and you have a deal, OK?”

G:  “OK, OK.”

Vendor:  “Thank you.”

Man’s Voice:  “It’s not worth it, I tell you.  I can do better
over there.”

Palamon [Pal]:  “Don’t make me break your neck.”


X:  “Gabrielle?  Gabrielle?” 

Pal:  “Hey!  That’s my staff.”

X:  “It is not.  It belongs to a friend of mine.”

Pal:  “That irritating little blonde?  She won’t be needing it

X:  “And why not?”

Pal:  “Because I killed her, Xena.  And now, I’m gonna kill



[Palamon and Xena fight]

Pal:  “Admit it, Xena.  That last move is worthy of you!  Come
on, Xena.  Don’t hold back.  Or, are you afraid of me, hmm?
That’s understandable.  I don’t have a soft spot for you like
Draco did.  And I’m not out of control like Callisto.”

[They fight]

X:  “What did you do with Gabrielle?  And _don’t_ tell me you
killed her!  I know that’s a lie.”

Pal:  “Why are you so sure I didn’t kill her?”

X:  “‘Cause when I got the oil in my eyes, you didn’t strike.
You haven’t got the killer instinct.”

Pal:  “Hey!  Don’t kid yourself.  I just couldn’t stab you in
the back in front of all those witnesses.  It would defeat the
entire purpose.”

X:  “What do you mean?”

Pal:  “I want to be known as the man who killed Xena in a fair
fight.  Face to face.”

X:  “So, that’s it.  You told me you killed Gabrielle to egg me
into a fight.”

Pal:  “Not just a fight.  A fight to the death.  The man who
kills you will have quite a reputation.”

X:  “Where’s Gabrielle?”  

Pal:  “I don’t think it’s time for me to tell you that.”

X:  “Now, you got thirty seconds to tell me where she is.  See,
I don’t think you quite understand.  I’ve cut off the flow of
blood to your brain.  You’re gonna die a very ugly death, unless
you start talking.”

Pal:  “I’m [?]ing.  I called your bluff!  I knew you wouldn’t
let me die!  Not when I know where your little buddy is!  Did
you see that?!  Tell everyone!  Palamon called Xena’s bluff!
Now, it’s your reputation that’s hurting!  Admit it.  I’m a very
formidable foe.”

X:  “No, you’re nothing but a stupid kid with a very limited
life expectancy.”

Pal:  “Hey!  What are you doing?!”

X:  “I’m not letting you out of my sight until I _find_
Gabrielle.  If  anything happens to her, next time it won’t be a
bluff.  That oil I got in my eyes, has that got sumac in it?”

Vendor:  “Yes.  I sell the mixture as a dye.”

X:  “Come on.”


Pal:  “So, who’s this Gabrielle, anyway?”

X:  “A friend.”

Pal:  “Yeah, I’ve got friends who could be following up right
now.  What’s the matter, Xena?  Battle fatigue?”

X:  “You wish.”

Pal:  “Hey, Xena?  What do you think of my fighting style?”

X:  “What?”

Pal:  “Come on, give some credit where it’s due.  I’m quick, I’m
agile, I think on my feet.  I bet you won’t fight me again
because you know I’d win.” 

X:  “Don’t flatter yourself.  Young thugs like you are a dinar a

Pal:  “I know five warlords that’d tell you different if they
could.  They can’t, ‘cause they’re dead.  You ever heard of
Krakus of Pyla?  I killed him.  I’ve got talent, and you know

X:  “Oh, yeah, and you’re real brave.  That’s why you kidnap
young girls.”

Pal:  “A guy’s gotta make a living.”

X:  “You kidnapped Gabrielle for money?”

Pal:  “Yeah.  When I heard what kind of a girl they were looking
for, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone.  Give them
what they were looking for, for a fee, and get you to fight me.”

X:  “Who are these people you’re talking about?”

Pal:  “Oh, come on, Xena.  You don’t want me to make it too easy
for you.”

X:  “Oh, no.  The easy thing would be killing you right now.”


G:  “Let me go, please!”

Apex:  “Are those the dulcet tones of the future Queen?”

G:  “Queen?”

Apex:  “Didn’t anyone mention that?  King Solus has chosen you
for a bride.  This is your lucky day.”

G:  “King Solus.  No, it can’t be possible.  I-- Well, I’ve
never even met him.”

Apex:  “No matter, my dear.  You’re sure to win his heart;
you’re the right type.  Just look around you.  As you can see,
we have a long tradition of making innocuous blue-eyed blondes
our Queen.”

G:  “Yeah, well [laughs], I’m more of a redhead, really.  Look,
I’m not marrying anyone.  For all I know, the king is--
incredibly handsome.  Not that that-- that that matters.”

Apex:  “My hands are tied, Gabrielle.  What the king needs, the
king gets.”

G:  “Well, um, if I could talk to him--”

Apex:  “He’d marry you immediately.  You’re perfect.  I trust
you’ll find your royal chambers satisfactory, my Queen.”

Guard:  “Get in there!”

Apex’s Assistant [A Ass]:  “The warrior woman, that travels with
our Queen--”

Apex:  “That braggart Palamon said he’d take care of her.”

A Ass:  “She’s headed this way.  We’ve got a real problem.”

Apex:  “Solve it!  Take the best of the palace guard.  Nothing’s
to interfere with my plans.”


Vidalis:  “Tell me _all_ about her.  Who is she?  A princess
from City-State.  A Countess from Carthage.  Oh, they are _so_

Apex:  “I’m afraid not, Vidalis.  She’s a commoner.”

Vidalis:  “A commoner?”

Apex:  “Yes, but it does present a problem.  As you know, the
royal court must approve the king’s choice.  I’m counting on you
to turn the little peasant trash into a Queen.”

Vidalis:  “Me?  But I was trained at the royal finishing school,
_not_ on Mt. Olympus.”

Apex:  “You’ll make her a Queen, or I’ll make you dead.”

Vidalis:  “_I_ don’t respond well to threats.  However, actual
pain can be quite persuasive.”


Pal:  “Oooh!  We’re getting close now, Xena.  We’re about to
walk into the middle of some of my friends.  They like me.”

X:  “Go figure.”

Pal:  “They won’t take kindly to the way you’re treating me.”

A Ass:  “I thought you were gonna kill her, Palamon?

Pal:  “I’ll get around to it.”

A Ass:  “Don’t bother.  If they resist, kill them.”

Sold:  “Let’s get her!”

X:  “With friends like these--”


Pal:  “It would be a whole lot easier if I could use my hands!
Quick!  Cut me loose!”

Sold:  “Take them!”

Pal:  “It’s my turn [?], fellas.”

Sold:  “I’ve got her!”

X:  “Where’s my sword?”

Pal:  “Come on.  Come on!  Now, where were we?”

X:  “Is there a problem?”

Pal:  “You tell me  You’re blind!”



Pal:  “You can’t see a thing, can you?  Where’s the challenge in
killing you now?  It would be _worse_ than stabbing you in the
back.  Here!  When you get your eyesight back, 
I’ll come visit you again.  Hey!  What are you doing?  Are you

X:  “No, but I am in a hurry, and I need you to be my eyes.”

Pal:  “Forget it!”

X:  “You and I are gonna find Gabrielle.  And anything that
happens to me, happens to you first.”


G:  “I hope this works.”

Vidalis:  “Oh, wait!  Stop her!”

G:  “Get away from that!.  No!  Look, you made a big mistake.  I
can’t marry the king.”

Vidalis:  “Oh, listen,  every bride gets the jitters.  Is he the
right one?  Will it last?  But, don’t you worry.  Vidalis will
take care of everything.”

G:  “What’s Vidalis?”

Vidalis:  “That’s me.”

G:  “All right.  Look.  My best friend is Xena, Warrior
Princess.  And she is not going to like this forced wedding
thing, if you get my drift.”

Vidalis:  “A little husky, don’t you think?”

G:  “Husky?”

Vidalis:  “This whole threat thing.  It’s not very ladylike.
And take your hands off your hips!  You look like a

G:  “What?”

Vidalis:  “Just trying to teach you to act like a lady.”

G:  “I know perfectly well how to act like a lady!”

Vidalis:  “You have the hand gestures of a wagon-driver.”

G:  “I can’t believe this.”

Vidalis:  “And that dialect.  Thrace, Macedonia?  Oh, what does
it matter?  Backwoods is backwards, as they say.  Posture is not
bad.  Yes, we can cover up that peasant muscle, but these
dishwasher hands-- Ohhhh!  Uh, white gloves might be a

G:  “You don’t think I’m the right type to be a Queen, do you?”

Vidalis:  “Not really.”

G:  “Yeah, well I agree.  None of this makes any sense.  Why
would King Solus wanna marry a complete peasant stranger?”

Vidalis:  “Who knows?  I say, sit back, and enjoy the ride.”

G:  “I can’t; I won’t; You can’t make me!”

Servant:  “Hungry, my Queen?”

G:  “Oh, well, a couple of grapes.  I gotta get out of here.”

Vidalis:  “How’s your curtsey?”


X:  “So, Gabrielle is to be King Solus’ wife?”

Pal:  “Yeah, not such a bad fate.  I convinced them she was the
right physical type.  Then I played up the whole sturdy peasant
stock thing to make her sound ripe enough.”

X:  “Y’know, something doesn’t fit here.  A peasant girl isn’t
usually a very desirable match for a king.  Something else is
going on here.  Stop it!  Don’t even thing about it.  Nothing is
unlocking these except for the key.”

Pal:  “You must be pretty scared right now.”

X:  “Of you?  You must not be paying attention.”

Pal:  “Not of me.  Of the unknown.  You don’t know what’s
happened to your eyes.”

X:  “Yes, I do.  They’ve been saturated with sumac.  It causes
blindness-- temporary, if treated within a day.”

Pal:  “And if it isn’t?”

X:  “I’ll be blind for life.”

Pal:  “What’s the treatment?”

X:  “Cleansing your eyes with a solution of palm oil and
Egyptian senna.”

Pal:  “It sounds hard to find.”

X:  “Any market in Athens’ll have it.”

Pal:  “Well, if I were you, I’d be headed for Athens.”

X:  “Well, you are _not_me.  I’ve gotta save my friend.”

Pal:  “Well, that must be some friend.”

X:  “Stables.  The castle’s not far from here.”

Pal:  “You can smell the horses from here?”

X:  “Well, not the horses themselves.”

Pal:  “That’s very observant.  You know, being chained to you
might not be so bad.  I could pick up a few pointers.”

X:  “I’m not teaching you anything.”

Pal:  “Ah, but you already have.  I’ve studied you, Xena.  Every
battle, every conquest.  How do you think I became the-- warrior
I am today?”

X:  “You are wrong to model yourself on who I used to be.  I was
confused back then.”

Pal:  “No, you were committed.  You had power and nothing could
stop you.  People knew who you were.  You commanded respect.”

X:  “I commanded fear.  It was no way to live.”

Pal:  “Fear, respect.  Call it what you will.  But, you were the
best.  That’s why I’ve got to kill you, Xena.  Then I will be
the best.”


1st Woman:  “Thank you.”

2nd Woman:  “Wait till you see her.”

Apex:  “As you know, King Solus has selected his bride.  All
that remains is your approval.  Without further ado, may I
present Lady Gabrielle.”

Vidalis:  “Gabrielle, come on out, we’re waiting for you.”

G:  “Not until I speak to the king.”

Vidalis:  “I’m begging you.  I’m under a lot of pressure here.
By the gods, girl, have some compassion.”

G:  “All right, I’m coming out.”

Man:  “Ah, there she is now.”

Woman:  “She’s beautiful.”

G:  “This is hopeless.”

Vidalis:  “Just, remember-- Baby steps.  You only curtsey to
Apex.  Just skip the curtsey-- Just remember to watch your

G:  [Laughs]  “It’s so good to see you.”

Apex:  “And now, may I propose a toast.”

Man:  “Here, here.”

Woman:  “A toast!”

Apex:  “To Gabrielle, who’ll soon become our Queen.”

Guests:  “To the future Queen!”  “Here, here.”  “Cheers!”  “To
many healthy children!”


Apex:  “Well, is it finished?  Long live Queen Gabrielle,


A Ass:  “Spread out.  You two, go north.”

Pal:  “There’s a patrol of guards between us and some woods.”

X:  “If we make it to the trees, we might be able to lose them.”

Pal:  “You know, you’re probably right.”

X:  “Follow me.”

A Ass:  “There she is!  After them!”

Soldiers:  “Quickly!  After them!”


Pal:  “This way, Xena!”


Pal:  “Wait!  I’m losing my grip!”

X:  “How far to the bottom?”

Pal:  “We’re dead.  What are you doing?!”

X:  “There’s no reason for both of us to die.”

Pal:  “Wait!  Xena!”



A Ass:  “Check this way!”

Sold:  “They won’t get far!”

A Ass:  “Come on, keep moving!”

Pal:  “I’ll pull you up!  And help you to get Gabrielle back, on
one condition!  When you can see again, I want another shot!  A
fair fight to the death!  If you _don’t_ agree, I’ll cut the
vine.  Agreed?”

X:  “Agreed.”

[Palamon laughs]


Vidalis:  “No, no!  Like this.  That’s better.  Now, work on the
look:  haughty, confident.  You are not reaching out for a glass
of beer in a tavern.  You are extending your hand for a kiss.
It should flutter up, like a graceful dove.”

G:  “Flutter up like a graceful--”

Vidalis:  “Ooh!”

G:  “Oh!”

Vidalis:  “Once more, with style.  Your movements should be slow
and gentle.  You are not pulling a plow!  What do you think
you’re doing?”

G:  “Can you take me to the king?”

Vidalis:  “And risk a royal hanging?  I don’t think so.”

G:  “Have you ever been in love, Vidalis?  Huh?  I mean, really
in love.”

Vidalis:  “Well, there was a certain someone.”

G:  “Now, when you think of that person, can you imagine being
with anyone else?  Well, now you know how I feel.  I can’t marry
the king because my heart belongs to another.  And even though I
can’t be with them now, I’m not ready to be with anyone else.
So you have to help me, Vidalis, please?”

Vidalis:  “You’re breaking my heart.  Down the hall, third door
on the left.”


Pal:  “So, what’s the plan?  Hey!  I know!  We’ll, we’ll invade,
the same way you did in Vivlauser, a few years ago!  Setting the
oil reserves on fire was a stroke of genius!  They say you could
hear their men scream all the way to Athens.  Or, how about the
way you slaughtered those men in Corinth, eh?”

X:  “Those aren’t pleasant memories for me.  And I don’t like
you talking about them as though they are!”

Pal:  “What do you mean?  You were brilliant.  My only hope is
that someday I’ll be half as good.”

X:  “And I’m the one who’s supposed to be blind.”


G:  “Your Majesty, I’m sorry to disturb you before the wedding,
but, uh-- Well, you know, I thought we should meet sooner or
later, right?  I knew you’d understand.  Cold hands.  You must
be as nervous about this as I am.  Or not.  The truth is, that--
Well, I can’t marry you.  No, no, no, it’s not you, it’s me.
I’m just not ready for this kind of commitment.  Which is
probably better for you anyway, because all the men I get
serious about seem to wind up dead.  Your Majesty?  Sweet mother
of Zeus!”

Apex:  “I see you’ve spoiled the surprise.”

G:  “He-- he’s--”

Apex:  “Dead.  Yes, it happened a few days ago-- an unfortunate
accident in the royal baths.”

G:  “You mean, I’m supposed to marry a--”

Apex:  “Precisely.  You see, our kingdom is governed by a
constitution.  If the king dies without an heir, then the throne
passes to his cousin in another kingdom.  If , however, the king
is married at his death, the monarchy is dissolved, and the
power goes to the kingdom’s ministry.”

Vidalis:  “In other words, Apex becomes king.”

Apex:  “Why, yes.  What a happy coincidence.”

G:  “What happens to me?”

Apex:  “Now, that’s the fun part.  By ancient proclamation, the
Queen must accompany her king to the other side.  In other
words, the highlight of your honeymoon will be a trip to the
royal crematorium.  Cease her!”


Sold:  “Patrol change!”

Pal:  “There’s too many guards.”

X:  “How far across the courtyard is the next section of  wall?”

Pal:  “About-- twenty lengths, why?  Hey, what are you doing?”

X:  “Now, listen.”

Soldiers:  “What’s going on?”  “Come on, over here!”  “No, this
way.  This way.”  “Hold that wall, I heard it!”

Pal:  “Hey!  That’s great!  You gotta teach me--”
X:  “Shh!”

Pal:  “Nice catch.”

X:  “OK.”


Sold:  “All right, men.”

Pal:  “Everywhere we turn, there’s guards.  There must be an
entire regiment in here.  We better wait here till they pass.
How are your eyes?”

X:  “The stinging’s getting worse.  The sumac’s settling in.”

Pal:  “Then, it may be too late for you.”

X:  “Maybe.”

Pal:  “Is your friend really worth all this?”

X:  “I’d give my life to save her.”

Pal:  “You see, friends make you vulnerable.  That’s why I don’t
have any.”

X:  “Oh, is that why?”

Pal:  “You don’t like me very much, do you?”

X:  “I don’t like who you pretend you are.”

Pal:  “What do you mean, pretend?”

X:  “I’ve met a lot of bad men. They’ve hardened their hearts.
You’re not one of them yet.”

Pal:  “What are you talking about?  I’ll show no mercy.”

X:  “I’m not buying it.  It would have been pretty easy for you
to leave me hanging off that ravine, but you couldn’t.”

Pal:  “You know why I saved you.”

X:  “So you can kill me in combat?  I’m not buying that, either.
You had your chance in the marketplace.  You know what?  I don’t
think you’ve ever killed anyone.”

Pal:  “Are you crazy!  I killed Krakus of  Pyla.”

X:  “No, you didn’t.”

Pal:  “What makes you so sure?”

X:  “Because, I did.  Be careful, Palamon.  We all eventully
become what we pretend we are.  They’re gone.  Let’s go.”


Apex:  “Yay, gods.  Bear witness to the holy wedlock of this
mortal couple, bonded for all eternity.  Let no man put asunder
what the gods, in their infinite wisdom, have blessed.  And now
for a sip from the wine of Dionysus, to-- consecrate this holy
bond.  Close enough.  Oh, gods on Mt. Olympus, if this union is
not blessed, give us a sign.  I now pronounce you King and


Apex:  “My lords, ladies.  You common people.  May the gods
bless our royal couple!”

Crowd:  “Yay!”


Apex:  “Congratulations, your Deadness.  And as for our Queen,
I’m terribly sorry for the tragedy you two will suffer on your
honeymoon.  Pity- you seem so-- happy together.”


Apex:  “Put it there.  Throw them in!”



Pal:  “Nice.”

X:  “You’re right, this place _is_ crawling with guards.”

Pal:  “Yeah, you better stick close to me.”

X:  “Careful, Palamon.  It’s beginning to sound as though you
might care.”


Apex:  “Burn them both.  It was so dreadful; a horrible, tragic
accident, because the king and Queen had to be cremated-- at


Pal:  “Which way?”

Vidalis:  “Hello.  If you are Xena, the gods have answered my
prayers.  I’m Vidalis, friend of the bride.  Leather, huh?  Bold

X:  “Where’s Gabrielle?”

Vidalis:  “Uh, Apex and his men have taken her to the
crematorium.  She and the king are to be cremated.  I _could_
show you, but--”

X:  “Let’s go.”


Apex:  “And now, the Queen.”

G:  “Let me out!”


Vidalis:  “This is it.”



Apex:  “Xena.  Sorry to start without you.  Your little friend’s
about to journey to the other side.”

X:  “Where’s Gabrielle?”

Apex:  “Problem with your eyes, Xena?”



Apex:  “She’s blind.  Toss her in with her friend!”


G:  “I can’t breathe in here!”


X:  “Gabrielle?”

G:  “Xena.”

X:  “Gabrielle.  Gabrielle, hang on!”

G:  “Xena.”

Apex:  “Out of my way, fishcake!”

X:  “Gabrielle!  Gabrielle!  Gabrielle.  Gabrielle.  Gabrielle.”

G:  “Xena?”

X:  “Are you all right?”

G:  “I’m OK.  I’m OK.  I’m OK.  What’s wrong with your eyes?”

X:  “I’m blind, Gabrielle.”

G:  “There must be something that we can do, that--”

X:  “The cure is Egyptian senna.  You can get it in Athens, but
by the time we get there, it’ll be too late.”

Vidalis:  “Egyptian senna?  I have that growing in my garden.
Well, you can’t make a good face cream without it.”


G:  “OK, you ready?  Now, this might sting a little bit.  Look,
I’ll try to be careful, all right?  Here, tilt your face up
towards me.  How was that?  OK?  Any change?”

X:  “Now, that’s a sight for sore eyes.”

G:  “You can see.”

X:  “I can see.”

Pal:  “That’s good to hear.”

X:  “All right, Palamon.  I’m ready now.  If you still want that
fight, you’ve got it.”

Pal:  “I was right about something, Xena.”

X:  “What was that?”  

Pal:  “I said I could learn something from you, and I did.”

X:  “Oh?”

Pal:  “That you are who you pretend to be.  So you better
pretend to be something you can live with.  I think I’m gonna
pretend-- to be good for a while.  See how things work out.”

X:  “I think you’ll like it.”

Pal:  “Thanks, Xena.”

G:  “You know, he’s kind of attractive when he’s not kidnapping

Vidalis:  “I agree.  You know, he and I dealt with those guards
quite handily.  I think I might follow him and see if he needs
a-- sidekick.”

G:  “You know, it’s pretty good work, if you can get it.”

Vidalis:  “Gabrielle, you are a great lady.”

G:  “Thank you, Vidalis.”

Vidalis:  “Shame about the hands, though.  Bye.”

G:  “You know, this hasn’t been very good for my self-esteem.
He didn’t like my hands, my walk, my stomach, my curtsey.  Can
you curtsey.  I, I hate you-- In a good way.  What about that
royal wave thing, huh?”

X:  “Oh, yeah, two hands.  Check it out.”

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