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TRANSCRIPTION OF
THE FURIES




"The Furies"  Episode 301/47

[TEASER]

Ares[A]:  "I came here on business, Alecto."

Alecto:  "I know-- Xena.  You're obsessed with her."

A:  "Call it what you will.  I think I've made an excellent case
against her.  I want a judgment-- now!"

Alecto:  "Furies!  Ares, god of War, has need of our judgment.
You've all heard his complaint against the Warrior Princess.  How
do you judge?  It's unanimous. The Furies have found Xena
guilty-- of all charges."

A:  "The sentence?"

Alecto:  "What will it be?  Persecution or madness?"

A:  "How about-- persecution and madness?"

Alecto:  "It's-- highly unusual to do both."

A:  "I'll be most appreciative."

Alecto:  "It shall be done.  Hear me, gods and goddesses.  Xena,
Warrior Princess, has committed a terrible crime.  She will be
punished by persecution-- and madness."

A:  "Cool."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Ah,  you're afraid."

X:  "Yeah, I'm terrified.  I just don't gamble."

G:  "You don't gamble?  Xena, who are we kidding here?  Every day
of your life is a roll of the die."

X:  "Well, what would we bet?"

G:  "If I win-- you have to cook breakfast for me-- tomorrow
morning."

X:  "You call that winning?"

G:  "Good point.  If I win, you have to collect all the firewood
for one week."

X:  "And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings with
the red stuff inside.  Oh, please."

G:  "OK."

X:  "Yeah."

G:  "All right-- to that cypress."

X:  "Wait.  How big a lead did you say?"

G:  "Three strides.  One, two, three.  OK.  On your mark, get
set-- !

X:  "Go."

G:  "I win!  That is cheating.  OK, cheating's an overstatement."

X:  "Hey, boys--  out for a morning hunt?"

Rufinus:  "Yeah-- and you're the quarry, Xena."

X:  "And why is that?"

Rufinus:  "Well, there's a bounty on your head-- and _we_ plan to
collect it."

X:  "You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a
dinar, but, um-- if you insist."

[Fight]

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Alecto:  "Oh, demons of the soul, over Xena's reason roll.
Replace [?] sweet illusion with the poison of delusion. To Xena's
head do not be kind, for it's your job to make her lose her
mind."

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[Fight]

G:  "Xena."

X:  "Wait!  I didn't mean to do that.  Here.  All right.  OK.  I
love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[ACT I]

G:  "Go!"

X:  "This thing is great!  And to think I've only been using it
all these years as a weapon!"

G:  "Xena, you're acting really strange."

X:  "Don't be ridiculous, Mavis.  Alley-oop, Argo!  Hey, I like
this.  I can see where I've been!"

G:  [Snickers]  "Xena-- now, that-- that warrior said that
there's a bounty on your head.  Don't you wanna know what that's
about?"

X:  "Love to.  But I don't think he's gonna tell me anything."

G:  "Why don't you put the pinch on him?  [Snickers]"

X:  "Hah!  I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other
pertinent body parts.  So, tell me-- how old were you when you
lost your virginity?"

G:  "Xena."

X:  "Shut up, Mavis-- this is important."

Rufinus:  "Fourteen."

X:  "Come on."

Rufinus:  "OK, OK-- nineteen, nineteen."

X:  "See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely."

G:  "Quick!  Tell us who put the bounty on Xena's head."

Rufinus:  "The priest."

G:  "What priest?"

Rufinus:  "The temple of the Furies."

G:  "The Furies?"

X:  "All right, all right.  Here's one for you.  What is the
capital of Assyria?"

G:  "Xena, take the pinch off him, now!"

X:  "Well, all right-- but I think there's still more he could
tell us."

G:  "Where are you going?"

X:  "To get something to eat.  I'm starved."

G:  "What about the Furies?"

X:  "They can get their own."

G:  "Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you.
You're not thinking clearly."

X:  "Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast."

G:  "No.  Look.  I think the Furies are punishing you for
something. Legend has it they punish with persecution-- which
explains the bounty-- and the madness."

X:  "Madness?"

G:  "Yes."

X:  "I've never felt _better_!"

G:  "Let's go to the temple of the Furies and find out what's
going on."

X:  "No."

G:  "Please, Xena-- Will you do it for me?  Please?"

X:  "OK.  Go, horsey!"

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G:  "There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness."

X:  "Why are you telling me this?  I'm not crazy.  What do you
think?"

G:  "I think we have a serious problem, here, Xena."

X:  "I could lose the daisies."

G:  "It's not your look that I'm talking about.  It's what's
going on inside your head."

X:  [Laughs]  "You don't wanna go there-- it's terrifying."

G:  "Doesn't that concern you?"

X:  "What do you think?  It's too leafy?"

G:  "I think I'm gonna get some sleep."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  [Whispers]  "Xena."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Look at you-- the guilt, the shame.  It's stamped on your
faces-- clear as mud.  And I won't let you get away with it.  I'm
here to avenge your heinous crimes. I've come to take
retribution!"

G:  "Xena?"

X:  "I've come to take retribution in flames!" 

G:  "What are you doing?"

X:  "Delivering the wrath of justice.  These people are evil
incarnate. They must burn."

G:  "Xena, what have they done?"

X:  "What have they done?  Look, can't you see the women and
children?!  They've crucified the women and children!"

G:  "Xena-- Xena, the only people here _are_ women and children.
Xena, they're afraid of you."

X:  [Cries]

G:  [Whispers]  "Give me the torch."

X:  "I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle?"

G:  "No-- we'll get through this.  [Gabrielle covers Xena with a
blanket] Xena, we have to get to the temple of the Furies."

X:  "The Furies-- right.  I'm sorry."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Xena-- pull yourself together."

X:  "Pull my finger."

Lysis:  "Who's there?"  Ah, the Warrior Princess.  You've heard
about the bounty, I take it."

X:  "The price on my head?  Oh, yes.  Well, if it's my head you
want, then take it, cause-- frankly, it's driving me crazy!"

G:  "What's going on with my friend?"

Lysis:  "The Furies have punished her with both persecution and
madness. They must be appalled by her crime."

G:  "What is it?"

Lysis:  "A breach of duty that the Furies are bound to punish."

G:  "So, what does she have to do?"

Lysis:  "Avenge the murder of a member of her family."

X:  [Yells]  "Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of
my brother is a liar."

G:  "Xena!"

X:  "His killer died at my hands."

Lysis:  "Not your brother."

G [I think]:  "Who, then?"

Lysis:  "Your father."

X:  "My-- father?"

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[ACT II]

Lysis:  "Yes-- he was murdered."

G:  "By who?"

Lysis:  "That I don't know.  a's punishment will continue until
this crime is avenged."

G:  "Xena-- do you wanna sit down?  Xena!  Wait!  Come back!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  [Running through the forest and hallucinating]  "Bacchus.
Bacchus."

[Note:  Xena babbles throughout the remainder of the scene.  I've
inserted it as best as I could.]

G:  "No!  It's me!  It's-- it's me.  It's Gabrielle."  

X:  "To the gods."

G:  "Now, put that down."

G:  "Xena!  Look."

X:  "To the gods."

G:  "Listen to me."

X:  "We're worthless insects."

G:  "Xena, I'm gonna help you."

X:  "They're gonna kill us."

G:  "I'll help you if you let me.  I can help--  Xena, listen!
Xena-- we have to find out who _murdered_ your father!" 

X:  [Can't understand her.]

G:  "Xena, if we can bring him to justice, we can satisfy the
Furies, Xena."

X:  [Can't understand her.]

G:  "This is what happened to Orestes!  Xena, he didn't avenge
his father either!"

X:  "You know, to the gods-- we are nothing but dirty little
beetles-- and they'll kill us for their sport.  Well, I'm sorry,
Gabrielle; you can't come with me but-- I can't be trusted, you
know?"

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X:  "You behave yourself.  I'm rather _ashamed_ of you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  You behave, or you don't get to come with us."

Rufinus:  "She's coming right at us.  Come on, guys.  She's a
babbling idiot.  She doesn't even know we're here."

[Xena defeats Rufinus' men, then walks off, and makes a crowing
sound.]

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Female Voice:  "Xena."

Female Voice:  "Oh, she looks so strange."

Male Voice:  "What's wrong with her?"

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Cyrene:  "Xena-- What happened?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Cyrene-- "

Cyrene:  "She's been driven mad-- by the Furies."

G:  "She was able to tell you that?"

Cyrene:  "No-- she's incoherent.  But ever since I heard what the
Furies did to Orestes, I've been hoping against hope this day'd
never arrive."

G:  "So, you know what happened to her father."

Cyrene:  "He was murdered."

G:  "Cyrene-- do you know who did it?  Cyrene?"

Cyrene:  "Yes."

G:  "We have to know.  Maybe, then, we can bring the murderer to
justice and satisfy the Furies."

Cyrene:  "Gabrielle-- do you think that Xena-- even in this
state-- could kill her mother?"

G:  "What?"

Cyrene:  "I killed Xena's father."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[ACT III]

Cyrene:  "Xena was seven.  Her father-- came home from the temple
of Ares--drunk--and angry.  He told me Xena had to die.  He was--
very confused, Xena.  The priest at the temple must have told him
to sacrifice you to Ares.  Your father was-- very dedicated to
the god of war.  I told him that I wouldn't let him do that.  He
said he'd-- kill me too, then.  He went to the stables to sharpen
a knife.  He was so-- methodical, the way he planned to kill his
own daughter.  I took an axe and-- I stopped him."

G:  "This is the same mess that Orestes was in."

Cyrene:  "Yes, the-- circumstances are the same.  His mother
killed his father, and so--his-- obligation, according to the
code of the Furies, was-- to kill his mother."

G:  "Did it work?"

Cyrene:  "I don't know.  I heard he still lives in a village not
far from here-- Andreas."

G:  "Maybe I can find him.  Maybe I can find a way to get us out
of this."

Cyrene:  "Perhaps."

G:  "Then I'm off to Andreas.  Xena?  Look, I know you're in
there.  Hey, we're gonna get through this.  You know, we always
do."

X:  "So Mama killed Papa.  Doesn't matter.  You were trying to
save my life, right?  I should be grateful.  But you have to
admit, you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you?  I have
an interesting choice, now.  I can kill you-- or-- I can spend
the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid
clarity.  Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods
throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?"

Cyrene:  "What is the truth, Xena?"

X:  "That life is a joke!  It's a barroom joke at that!  And you
know what the punchline is?  The punchline-- is that no matter
what we do, we still end up as food for the worms. Mother, there
really is only one way out of this."

Cyrene:  "Go ahead-- do it."

X:  "Oh, no, no.  You  don't get out of it that easy.  I leave
you to entertain the gods.  I am retiring from the stage."

Cyrene:  "Xena."

X:  "Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.  If I stay
around here much longer, some innocent people are gonna get
killed.  I'm doing them a favor."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A:  "Xena-- what are you doing?"

X:  "Why am I not surprised to find that you have an interest in
all this?"

A:  "Of course, I do.  You're my favorite.  I don't wanna see you
throw yourself off some cliff.  If for no other reason, it's such
a-- tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life."

X:  "Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares-- and I have limited choices.
Madness is a rotten way to go through life."

A:  "Now, Xena?  Don't do that.  There is another solution."

X:  "Killing Mommy?  No, I don't think so."

A:  "Well, I heard what you said to your mother.  And you were
right of course-- what you said about life."

X:  "I was ranting."

A:  "Like a prophet.  Xena, you were never so close to the
truth."

X:  "If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living,
this is not a good strategy."

A:  "No-- life isn't worth living.  It's to be taken, and beaten,
and wrestled, and formed in your image.  That's where the meaning
lies-- in what you can twist life into.  For those who just
endure life, yeah-- it is a very nasty joke.  But for those who
form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the
way."

X:  "I must be crazy.  You're beginning to make sense."

A:  "This-- melodrama with your family-- put it all behind you.
You don't know how common it is for a jealous man to try and
punish his wife by hurting the child.  Do you understand what I'm
saying to you?"

X:  "Yes, I think I do."

A:  "Satisfy the Furies.  Give your mother to the worms.  You--
are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena.  Do it.  You'll be
reborn into a world of true choice-- beyond good and evil.  And
not only will you regain your sanity-- but you'll see the world
as few have seen it-- as a playground to your will.  Now, do it."

X:  "But how will the Furies know if I do it?"

A:  "They'll know."

X:  "But how?"

A:  "They'll know."

X:  "You expect me to trust you?  I'm crazy; I'm not stupid.  If
I'm gonna whack Mamma, I wanna get something out of it.  I want
to know that the Furies are watching!"

A:  "They'll see it.  It's a god thing."

X:  "I won't do it unless it's in front of the Furies!"

A:  "All right-- it can be arranged."

X:  "Good-- I'll get Mom."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Cyrene:  "Xena, you're all right."

X:  "I'm anything but all right, Mother."

Cyrene:  "Yes, of course.  I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Maybe Gabrielle'll find a-- "

X:  "Stop it!  Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without
me.  She's a useless little pissant, really-- now that I see
things clearly."

Cyrene:  "That's not true.  And I don't think you're seeing
things clearly at all."

X:  "No matter.  I'm crazy and you're dead.  Let's go."

Cyrene:  "What are you saying?!"

X:  "Don't push it with me, Mother."

Cyrene:  "Xena-- if that's what you feel you have to do-- "

X:  "Oh-- the self-sacrificing mother.  That's such a tired
cliche'.  Tell me, Mother.  When you and Daddy were rolling
around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?"

Cyrene:  "Please, Xena.  Let's just get this over with."

X:  "I have a right to know about the act that brought me into
this miserable world."

Cyrene:  "I will not talk about that!"

X:  "I'm losing patience with you."

Cyrene:  "Your father was away at war.  Suddenly, one night, he
was there with me.  And, yes, it was good!"

X:  "Thank you, Mother.  As you say-- let's get this over with."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
G:  "I don't understand.  This is an asylum.  Are you sure we're
talking about the same man?"

Keeper:  "That's right.  Here he is.  See for yourself."

G:  "Orestes?  So he didn't do it."

Keeper:  "Didn't do what?"

G:  "He didn't avenge his father's murder."

Keeper:  "Oh, yeah, he did.  He killed his mother, Clytemnestra."

G:  "But I thought that-- "

Keeper:  "-- that he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed
his mother?"

G:  "Yeah."

Keeper:  "Ahh-- it's all a lie.  If they persecuted him for not
avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him
for killing his mother?  There was no way out for him."

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A:  "Furies, hear me!  I, Ares, god of war, demand your presence
at this act of redemption!"

Alecto:  "She's the murderess?  And the avenging party?"

X:  [Yells]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[ACT IV]

G:  "Don't!  Xena, it won't do any good!"

X:  "Sometimes, that is the only way to shut her up."

A:  "Is there a problem, Xena?"

X:  "Why am I doing this?"

A:  "She killed your father.  You have to avenge his death or the
Furies will torment you for eternity.  Yadda, yadda, yadda-- go."

X:  "All right.  She killed my father?"

A:  "Yes!  Murdered him in cold blood.  Show her no mercy."

X:  "But how could she kill my father when my father is very much
alive? Right, Daddy?"

A:  "If you've noticed, she is crazy."

X:  "Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd, and I might cut Mommy
up later, just for fun-- but not because she killed my father.
Because you're my father. Look at that hunk of burning love you
had, Mom."

A:  "This is nonsense.  Don't you think Cyrene might have
mentioned this before now?"

X:  "That's not a very good explanation, Daddy.  Gabrielle, tell
him.  Do the bard thing."

G:  "The legends say that-- Ares takes the form of his warriors--
and he visits their wives while they're away at battle."

X:  "Mom, tell him."

Cyrene:  "The night Xena was conceived, my husband came home
unexpectedly from war."

A:  "This is ridiculous."

X:  "Do you ladies eavesdrop on us whackos when you're tormenting
us?"

Alecto:  "Frequently, yes."

X:  "Did you hear that little chit-chat that Daddy and I had on
the cliff when he thought I was gonna throw myself over?  Had you
going there, didn't I?  Well, did you?"

Alecto:  "Yes."

X:  "You ladies do dress the part, don't you?  Did you wonder why
Ares used the word 'jealous' when referring about my alleged
father?"

Alecto:  "That was odd.  Why jealous?"

A:  "I mean, he was jealous in the attention Cyrene showed Xena.
It's a common phenomenon."

X:  "Oh.  Now, here's my theory.  Ares and Mom do their thing;
she gets ripe with me; and then, shortly after that, her husband
comes home from war, and he thinks that his manhood did the
trick.  Well, I pop out, and he thinks he's my father. Well,
things go on like this for years, and then one night, at the
Temple of Ares, someone-- maybe a drunken priest-- maybe you--
spills the beans.  A jealous rage ensues.  Mom does her thing
with the axe, and-- hah!  Here we are."

A:  [Laughs]  "You're not buying any of this.  I am _not_ the
father."

Alecto:  "Why would he go to all this trouble just to drive you
insane?"

A:  "Huh?  Huh?"

X:  "Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic to his quaint
world view. And you were right.  I meant it when I said that you
were beginning to make sense to me.  But the best bit-- the best
bit of all-- and this is a proud daughter talking-- is when I
kill Mom-- thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and
complete dependence on you. I have ways to prove it."

Alecto:  "What's that?"

X:  "We fight.  If I'm half god, I should be able to hold my own.
And if I'm not-- well, surely the god of war will win."

A:  "This is ridiculous."

Alecto:  "What are you afraid of, Ares?"

X:  "Me [snickers]-- 'cause he knows that I'm half god and all
crazy."

[Fight throughout]

X:  "Hey, come on, you two-- you're not gonna get it again, are
you?  I'm gonna use you as a shield, Gabrielle-- just kidding.  I
win!  [Struts around, cheering herself]  Well-- I think I've
proved my point.  Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit.
Well, as I was say, I think I've proved my point."

Alecto:  "Agreed."

X:  "Mother."  

Alecto:  "Zeus and the other gods will hear about this betrayal
of a sacred trust."

A:  "Aah."

Alecto:  "We'll talk later about the fruit."

A:  "I've been on the outs with the family before.  They need me.
You don't really think I'm your father, do you?"

X:  "It doesn't matter.  The Furies think you are.  That's all
that counts."

A:  [Claps]  "That-- was brilliant.  If I was your father, I'd be
very-- very proud of you.  I still don't get what you see in
her."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Here."

X:  "Great."

G:  "Xena-- you knew what your mom would say-- about the night of
your conception.  And you knew exactly what I would say.  Well, I
don't know if I like being that predictable."

X:  "I knew you were gonna say that."

Cyrene:  "Xena-- your father."

G:  "Um-- I'll collect some more firewood."

Cyrene:  "I took him away from you."

X:  "Mother."

Cyrene:  "It seemed-- like the only way."

X:  "I'm sure it was.  I never really knew him.  I-- the hardest
thing for me was giving up the hope."

Cyrene:  "Hope."

X:  "I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere.
Understand-- understand myself.  I know that will never be."

Cyrene:  "Can you ever forgive me?"

X:  "There is nothing to forgive.  You saved my life.  I owe you
my thanks. I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these
years.  We'll go on.  We'll be stronger than before."


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