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TRANSCRIPTION OF
BEEN THERE DONE THAT




"Been There, Done That"  Episode 48/302

[TEASER]

Rooster:  [Crows]

J:  "Rise and shine everyone; rise and shine."

G:  "I'll rise; I refuse to shine." 

J:  "Yeah?  Well, I got us breakfast-- goose eggs."

Horse-shoer:  "Sweet Equestra!  I'm-- I-- I hope I didn't hit
anything."

G:  "Huh!  Nothing important."

X:  "That reminds me.  You know a place I can get my horse shod?"

Horse-shoer:  "Yeah, there's a blacksmith, over on the other side
of town. He can fix you up a set.  And I can shoe her right here.
But he's from a rival house, so-- you'll have to go and pick them
up yourself."

X:  "Fine-- I'll see you in the afternoon."

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G:  "Hey, Xena.  I think I'll get some goose eggs for the road."

J:  "Oh, can I go with you?  I mean, uh, you know, it's a
dangerous town and, um-- it-- might not be safe."

G:  "You're right.  Xena should go."

J:  "Why?  You think I can't handle it?  Hey, I'm the one who got
us those goose eggs to begin with!  I mean, if you want a big
goose egg, I'm your man.  Eee!  Big drop-- big.  I think I'll
take surface streets."

X:  "What're you gonna do when he finds out you don't like goose
eggs?"

Tybalus:  "What jackass taught you people how to drive a cart?!"

Miron:  "I heard about Casca, Tybalus.  It was a terrible
accident!"

Tybalus:  "There are no accidents between the house of Menos and
the house of Lykos!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Miron's Voice:  "I don't wanna fight you, Tybalus."

Tybalus' Voice:  Defend yourself."

J's Voice:  "Let me interject-- Menos-- "

X:  "Joxer."

J's Voice:  "Lykos-- "

X:  "Joxer!"

J's Voice:  "What's in a name?!"

X:  "Joxer."

G:  "Joxer-- I thought you were getting those eggs.  Joxer.
Joxer!  Joxer, come on.  Joxer."

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X:  [Excerpt from funeral dirge]

G:  "Xena, I shouldn't have sent him after those goose eggs."

X:  "Gabrielle, Joxer died a hero-- just like he always wanted.
There's no blame here.  Hey, come here.  Maybe we should get some
rest, hmm?"

G:  "No, I don't think I can."

X:  "Yeah, sure you can.  Come on.  Sleep now.  It'll hurt less
in the morning."

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Rooster:  [Crows]

X:  "Gabrielle."

J:  "Rise and shine everyone; rise and shine."

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[ACT I]

X:  "Joxer.  Joxer?  You should be dead."

J:  "True-- a man like me should have died a thousand times-- if
not for my prodigious skill and nerves of steel.  Yeah."

X:  "Come here, you!

J:  "Ow!  Ow!  Ow!  Ow!"

X:  "I had the strangest dream, last night."

J:  "Oh?"

G:  "Rise and shine-- yeah, yeah.  I'll rise, but I refuse to
shine."

J:  "Yeah?  Well, I got us all breakfast-- goose eggs.

X:  "Step back."

J:  "Hey, you don't have to eat 'em.  Ow!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!
Ooh! Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!"

Horse-shoer:  "Sweet Equestra!  I'm-- I-- I hope I didn't hit
anything."

X:  "That was no dream."

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J:  "Well, as you know, Xena, we warriors always have second
sight.  Always know when something's-- "

G:  "Couldn't it have been a vision?"

X:  "No, it was too real."

J:  "Wait a minute.  What if I'm dreaming?"

G:  "Can you feel this?"

J:  "Ow!  Yes."

G:  "Then you're not dreaming.  Xena, you're saying that I forgot
everything that happened yesterday?"

X:  "You didn't just forget; it never happened to you."

G:  "Well, if it never happened, then what's to forget?"

X:  "Today."

G:  "But today hasn't happened yet."

X:  "Well, it happened to me."

G:  "Yesterday."

X:  "No, the other today."

G:  "So you're saying that today is actually yesterday for you--
but, for us, today is today, because we can't remember that
yesterday was today, right? 
                                
X: Right. 

G:  "Well, I don't get it."

J:  "Oh, oh!  I know.  I know.  Wait a minute.  What if none of
this really is happening-- and, like, we're all in somebody
else's head, and they're making us up?"

X:  "You don't even remember Joxer's death?  The sword plunged
into his heart-- his chest covered with blood-- his eyes staring
blankly up at the sky.  We had a funeral for him.  You cried over
him."

J:  "You cried over me?"

G:  "I think I'll get some goose eggs for the road."

J:  "I'll go with you."

X:  "No, wait.  We stay together."

Tybalus' Voice:  "What jackass taught you people how to drive a
cart?!"

Miron's Voice:  "I heard about Casca, Tybalus."  

J:  "Do you guys honestly think I'd be stupid enough to step in
between two guys with swords?"

X and G:  "Yes."

Miron's Voice:  "It was a terrible accident!  Two strangers got
me."

X:  "I'll take care of this.  You two wait in the alley."

J:  "Alley?  What is she talking about?  I'm not going in an
alley!  I'm Joxer the Mighty!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tybalus:  "There are no accidents between the house of Menos and
the house of Lykos!"

X:  "All right!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Hey, hey!"

J:  "Huh?  Pretty good, right?  Watch.  Pretty good.  Watch this
one. Sorry.  Ooh!"

Lykosian:  "Menos clod."

J:  "Actually, we're not affiliated with Claud."

Menosian:  "You insult my house?"

J:  "Well, it's not a bad house.  Needs a little sweeping.  Ooh!
Oop! Whoa.  Now-- let me just interject a little thought, here.
Menos, Lykos.  What's in a name?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Woman's Voice:  "What is it?"

Man's Voice:  "Some stranger's butting in."

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X:  "Son of a Bacchae!"

Man's Voice:  "What else is new?"

Lykos:  "Now, you're hiring mercenaries to do your killing."

Menos:  "We don't need strangers to do a job we're glad to do
ourselves."

Lykos:  "You realize, this means all-out war?"

Menos:  "I relish it."

X:  "Sorry boys-- there's been a change of plan.  Now, go home!
All of you-- until you can play nice."

Lykos:  "This isn't over.  Don't know you-- but as far as we're
concerned, you're one of them, now!"

G:  "That was amazing.  That was exactly like you said.  The
swords, the duel?  Only, you had a second chance to save Joxer."

J:  "Please-- I had the situation totally under control."

X:  "Joxer may be still alive, but someone else is dead.  And
there are a whole lot of angry people in this village who
consider us the enemy.  So, watch your step."

J:  "Yeah, watch your step."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Next right, and we're home free."

X:  "What happened?!"

Horse-shoer:  "I-- I wouldn't tell them which one was yours.  So,
they killed them; they killed them all."

X:  "Argo?"

G:  "Xena?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Argo?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

J:  "Xena-- If this day really did happen again, just so you
could save me-- then, in a way, Argo's death is my fault."

X:  "You didn't kill Argo."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

X:  "Argo?"

J:  "Rise and shine, everyone; rise and shine."

G:  "I'll rise; but I refuse to shine."

X:  "Joxer, move."

J:  "Why?"

X:  "Just move."

J:  "Why?"

X:  "Forget it; don't move."

J:  "Ooh!"

Horse-shoer:  "Sweet Equestra!  I'm-- I-- " [and then, with Xena]

X:  "I hope I didn't hit anything."

G:  "Huh?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Poison dart."

X:  "It's not me.  I am fine.  The day is repeating itself."

G:  "Right.  I hate it when that happens."

X:  "I'm telling you.  This village is on the verge of an all-out
bloodbath. Something that happens today-- something that _only_ I
can control-- causes it."

G:  "Xena, what makes you think that it's all up to you?"

X:  "Hey!  Look, I am the only one who can seem to remember!"

J:  "Wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  Let's assume you're right,
for the moment, about the feud.  Well-- there's an easy way to
end it.  The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  If they had a
common enemy, they'd have to work together."

G:  [Laughs]  "And who would that enemy be, huh?"

J:  "We are.  Look-- we declare our hatred of both houses.  Then,
when they get together to kill us, we throw down our weapons, and
get them to join us in peace. Oh, come on!  It's a great plan!
Look, I've known lots of people who've bonded over their
mutual hatred of me-- you two, for example.

G:  "Well, he's got a point.  Hmm."

X:  "The best time to stop a fight is before it starts.  I just
need to break this cycle somehow."

Tybalus:  "Miron-- I've been looking for you.  What jackass
taught you people how to drive a cart?!"

Miron:  "I heard about Casca, Tybalus."  [They continue in
subdued voices in the background.]

X:  "Casca-- I have to fight out more about Casca and save him.
Then these two guys will have no reason to go after one another.
No fight means no duel, means no bloodbath, means the day no
longer has to repeat itself.  Yeah."

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Rooster:  [Crows]

J:  "Rise and shine, everyone; rise and sh-- ."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Man's Voice:  "Here you go.

Other Man's Voice:  "Good morning, Casca!"

Villagers:  "Casca!  Look out!"

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[ACT II]

X:  "You all right?"

Casca:  "What?  Speak up, girl."

X:  "Are you all right?"

Casca:  "Yeah, yeah.  Look what they've done to my hat.  [?]
Menos driver!"

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G:  "Xena, every morning you wake up back in the stable."

X:  "That's right."

J:  "Well-- what if you stayed awake all night?  I mean-- like, I
could stay up with you, and, even sing to you, like, 'Go to
sleep, Xe-e-na; the day is long-- '"

X:  "Joxer!  I have tried that!  Thank you, Joxer, but, I have
tried everything, and I still wake up in the stable, and it's
still today."

G:  "Xena, it just doesn't make sense.  Who do you think?"

X:  "It's not the Fates; it's not Ares; it's not something that I
ate.  No, I have no poison dart marks.  I have no Bacchae bites."

J:  "Is that a hickey?"

X:  "Look-- believe me, or don't believe me.  It doesn't matter.
Today has happened before.  Well, hopefully, by saving Casca, it
won't happen again."

Tybalus:  "Miron, I've been looking for you.  Keep your eyes off
my cousin. She wants nothing to do with you!"

X:  "This feud is worse than I thought.  These guys'll find any
excuse to fight."

Miron:  "Why not let _her_ decide that, Tybalus?!"

X:  "It's gonna take more than saving Casca to end this kind of
hate."

J:  "You know-- the enemy of my enemy-- "

Hermia:  [Screams]

X:  "Get Joxer to safety.  Go!"

J:  "I don't wanna go to an alley.  --stupid.  I'm a warrior."

X:  "Not the alley."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Joxer, no!"

X:  "Gabrielle!  Gabrielle.  Gabrielle!  Gabrielle.  It'll be all
right, Joxer; it will.  It has to be."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

G:  [Moans]

X:  "Gabrielle!  Gabrielle!"

G:  "Xena."

J:  "Rise-- Group hug!"

G:  "Get off me, Joxer."

X:  "That's it, Joxer-- get off.  Get off!"

J's Voice:  "Oh!  Ow!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Every day, the rooster crows; Joxer walks in; the horseshoe
falls; I save the old man; stop a duel; and then the whole thing
starts all over again."

J:  "Maybe it's the rooster."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Starts to crow, then Xena kills it]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

X:  [Yells]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

J:  "But I don't know why we have to stay here."

X:  "Because I'm telling you to."

G:  "Joxer, sometimes, it's just best to do what Xena says.
She'll explain later.  You will explain, right?"

J:  "I'm not staying anywhere, unless I know why.  I'm a man of
many skills, you know?"

X:  "Joxer, you're staying here, 'cause I need you to stay here."

J:  "Ow.  Ooh!  I get it!  I'm a diversion-- a decoy.  Wait a
minute. Wouldn't it be better if I was over on the other side of
the court?"

X:  "Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?"

J:  [Gulps]

G:  "Huh?"

X:  "Hmm?  Hmm."

J:  "Could I speak to you privately?"

X:  "He would crawl 50 miles on broken glass, just to sweat in
your shadow."

J:  "Ix-nay on the ove-lay alk-tay."

X:  "Oh, yeah-- he worships you like a goddess.  Right, Joxer?
Stay here."

J:  "Wow-- she has really lost it."  [Laughs]

G:  "Completely."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Xena-- there's another fight across the square."

X:  "I stop one fight, and another one starts.  It's a lot easier
to start a feud than to end one."

G:  "I don't get it.  They worship the same god; suffer the same
hardships. I wish we had time to remind them."

X:  "I have all the time in the world.  Night's bane-- it's
lethal stuff."

J:  "You know-- the enemy of my enemy is often considered my
friend."

X:  "Joxer-- go ahead."

J:  "Really?"

X:  "Go ahead."

J:  "Yeah, but you don't even-- I knew this would happen
someday-- you and me on the same wavelength-- two great minds--
one thought."

G:  "Only half a wit."

X:  "What have we got to lose?"

J:  "Right.  Hear me, cowards!  I-- We-- are your true enemies!
We spit on your houses!  We curse your names.  We laugh at your
ancestors!  Ah!  Hah!  Hah!  Hah! Hah!  [?] they bond."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

J:  "Rise and shine, everyone."

G:  "You-- you killed him?!  Hey!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[ACT III]

Rooster:  [Crows]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

J:  "Xena!  Xena!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "So, you've treated both houses?"

Apothecary:  "Treated, cured, buried.  I'm the closest thing to a
doctor they have.  What was it you wanted?"

X:  "Night's bane."

Apothecary:  "It might help if I labeled them.  Then again, I
can't read. You know what?  The um-- the um-- "

X:  "Night's bane?"

Apothecary:  "Night's bane-- yeah.  It's missing."

X:  "Are you sure you didn't sell it?"

Apothecary:  "A sale like that, I would not forget.  It's lethal,
you know?"

X:  "Really?"

Apothecary:  "Yeah-- one sip of it and the next day, you're on a
one-way trip to Tartarus."

X:  "So, anyone drop dead lately?"

Apothecary:  "Nope."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Midwife:  "Have one of my muffins."

X:  "Ah-- thank you."

Midwife:  "Go on."

X:  "Mmm-- they're lovely."

Midwife:  "Good."

X:  "So-- it must be hard being a midwife in a town that teaches
kids to hate right from birth-- hmm?"

Midwife:  "It's not easy-- that's true.  Still-- I've been
bringing Menos' babies into the world now for more than forty
years."

X:  "Ah-- must have some stories, huh?"

Midwife:  "That I have, young woman-- that I have.  Now, you eat
that up, and I'll tell you some stories."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Rise and shine, everybody!  Rise and shine!"

J:  "Hmm?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "We've repeated the day that many times?"

X:  "Yes."

G:  "But-- "

X:  "No, no, yes, no.  I tried that.  Yes, both ways.  No, I
don't know. No, again.  Are there any more questions?  Good."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tybalus:  "Keep your eyes off my cousin!  She wants _nothing_ to
do with you!"

Miron:  "Why not let her decide that, Tybalus?!"

X:  "Put your swords up.  It is time to talk peace!"

Tyus:  "Time to fill the streets with Lykos' blood, you mean!"

X:  "They say that the man that kills his own brother is cursed
forever. Is that what you want, Tyus?  Lenorus is also your
father's son."

Midwife:  "Yes-- that's right."

X:  "Now, get out of here."

Casca's son:  "I know who my ancestors are.  My father was almost
run down today, because of the careless driving of Menos scum."

X:  "Your father was almost run down, because he was too deaf to
hear the warnings."

Casca:  "Eh?  What did she say?"

Lykos:  Enough!  We don't need lectures from a stranger."

X:  "Lykos-- you nearly lost your wife and son in childbirth--
true?"

Lykos:  "The midwife was sure they'd both die.  Thank the gods
she was wrong."

X:  "It's not the gods you should thank.  It's your enemies'
wife.  While you were away, fighting wars, Lady Menos came to
your house and saved your wife and son."

Lykos:  "She-- she was a good woman."

Menos:  "Yes-- she was."

X:  "Who hated this feud."

Menos:  "Maybe, she's right.  Perhaps it's time we talked."

Lykos:  "Yes-- perhaps it is."

Menos:  "How do you know so much about us?  Are you an oracle?"

X:  "No, just someone with a lot of time on her hands."

Lykos:  "Menos."

Crowd:  [Cheers]

G:  "Congratulations, Xena."

J:  "Yeah."

G:  "Yeah, you just saved two lives.  You stopped three duels.
You made peace between lifelong enemies.  It seems like you've
changed everything that needs changing, right?"

J:  "Right."

G:  "I bet this'll stop the day repeating."

J:  "Yeah, you did great.  Why don't we just go and relax, and
have a little party?"

G:  "Yeah."

X:  "Yeah, let's."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

X:  [Has temper tantrum]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "The first day-- everything seems normal-- well, excepting
that Joxer gets killed.  The next day, I fix that, and then Argo
gets killed.  On the third day, I know that there was something I
am supposed to do, and that somehow, it's tied in with this
blood feud.  So I find out all about the old man getting hit by
the cart, and I save him. But, the fighting breaks out anyway,
and Gabrielle gets killed.  Uhhh!  Uhhh!  So, somehow, I
am supposed to save the old man, stop everyone else from getting
killed, and make peace between the two houses.  It's too much.
So-- I find out every stinky little thing there is to know about
these people; I save the old man; stop the fighting; and then use
the information I've got to make peace between the houses.  And
still, it isn't enough.  I'm missing something.  I'm missing
something small.  I think I know what it is.  Thanks, I just
needed to say that out loud."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Hey-- give me that vial.  It's night's bane.  When did you
take this?"

Hermia:  "Just after sunrise."

X:  "So, you're the one who's been causing all this trouble."

Miron:  "No-- it's not her.  It's me.  And there's nothing you
can do.  Her house is at the north end of town, and the stables
you're in-- are at the south.  So, no matter how fast you run-- "

X:  "I'll never get there in time to stop her."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[ACT IV]

X:  "I still don't understand why she took the poison in the
first place."

Miron:  "Because we're in love.  Only-- since our families hate
each other, her father was gonna make her marry someone else."

X:  "So, she decided to kill herself."

Miron:  "I had planned for us to elope, but-- when I told her
about them-- she began to cry."

X:  "She had already taken the night's bane?"

Miron:  "When the day was over, I couldn't face the thought of
life without her.  So-- so I prayed to Cupid for help.  'Hermia
must die tomorrow,' he said.  But, because my love for was true,
he granted me one wish."

X:  "Let me guess.  Your wish was that tomorrow would never
come."

Miron:  "Yes!  'The day will repeat,' he said, 'until a hero
comes who can fix everything.'-- save Hermia, save me, and end
this pointless feud."

X:  "So, when you saw me in the village, why didn't you ask for
help?"

Miron:  "Well-- frankly, I-- I was expecting Hercules, or-- at
least Sinbad-- but, besides, I'm-- I'm not allowed to interfere."

X:  "So, now I've got to save Casca, stop the duel, and keep
Hermia from taking poison, right after the rooster crows."

Miron:  "It's impossible.  No matter how fast you run, there just
isn't enough time."

X:  "We'll see."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Well, we better get some rest.  Today is going to be a very
busy day, tomorrow.  Small joke.  Night."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

J:  "Rise and shine, everyone; rise and-- " 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Damn."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

G:  "Xena!  Xena!  You have to stop them!"

X:  "Been there; done that-- didn't work."

G:  "Xena!"

X:  "I am real busy, here.  Go play with Joxer."

J:  "Don't worry; she's gone.  But, you can still be my
sidekick."

G:  "I need some help!"

J:  "Step aside!  I'm gonna put some moves on this guy.  Ooop!"

G:  "Joxer!"

X:  "Thanks!"

G:  "Hey!"

X:  "I'll give it right back!"

G:  "Xena!  I could use that staff!"

X:  "That oughtta do it.  Gabri-- Sorry.  Good girl."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

X:  "Morning, Joxer."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Miron:  "Hermia.  Now-- can you make peace between our houses?"

X:  "Just you try and stop me?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Menos:  "Maybe she's right.  Perhaps it is time we talked."

Lykos:  "Yes, perhaps it is.  Menos."

Miron:  "I think now I'll be able to ask Hermia's father for her
hand in marriage."

G:  "Yeah-- I'm betting he'll say yes."

Miron:  "Xena, thank you.  Now, we can all look forward to
tomorrow."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Rooster:  [Crows]

J:  "Rise and shine, everyone; rise and shine."

G:  "I'll rise, but I refuse to shine."

J:  Yeah-- well I got us breakfast-- turnips."

X:  "Turnips-- did you say turnips?"

J:  "Now, there's a woman who really likes her vegetables."

G:  "Xena, are you all right?  All right, what's going on?"

X:  "Life, Gabrielle-- life!  Life is going on at last!
Gabrielle, you've gotta, um-- I don't know-- seize the day!
'Cause, who knows?  Tomorrow may never come!"

X and G:  [Laugh]



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