"The God You Know" Episode 124/612
[TEASER]
G: "Xena-- what kind of animal would do this?"
X: "What do you want, Michael?"
Michael [Mic]: "I sense hostility. I want you to know-- I'm all
right with that."
X: "Well, that is big of you-- considering last time you saw me,
you tried to have me cast down into Hell."
Mic: "Desperate times warrant desperate measures. As you see--
some new desperate times have arrived."
X: "Who did this?"
Mic: "Caligula You know his reputation."
X: "He's a psycho-- a sex addict-- and a murderer-- your
run-of-the-mill Roman emperor."
G: "And he thinks he's a god."
Mic: "No-- he _is_ a god."
X: "He's immortal-- but how did that happen?"
Mic: "I don't know. What's important-- is that the God of Eli
gave you the power to _kill_ gods. You're the only one who can
stop Caligula. He killed Tiberius in order to gain power--
murdered _every_ last member of his family. He's slain anybody
who won't swear allegiance to his cult of blood. He wants to
write his name into the history books as-- one of the great gods
of the pantheon. And he'll destroy anyone who won't submit to
him."
X: "Including angels, no doubt."
Mic: "And, uh-- the followers of Eli."
X: "If anything's happened to Eve, Michael-- "
Mic: "Not yet-- but your daughter has the courage of her
convictions. She's gone to confront Caligula's persecution."
G: "Eve's in Rome?"
X: "If I find out that you're behind any of this, Michael, I
swear, I-- "
Mic: "As you well know, Xena-- your daughter obeys a higher
power than me."
X: "Michael, don't forget-- if I can kill gods-- I can kill
angels, too."
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Roman's Voice: "Behold before you, the supreme incarnation, of
immortality on Earth. All hail the great god-emperor--
Caligula-- who fears nothing-- and cannot be vanquished."
Caligula [Cal] [Laughs]: "Whoa, whoa-- Domastecles. Good girl.
[Sighs] Do it. Come on."
Young Man: "My Lord-- "
Cal: "Hm-m."
Young Man: "I pray for your mercy."
Cal: "Well, praying is good. Praying could buy you your life--
as long as your prayers are only for me-- and my eternal cult of
blood."
Old Man: "Emperor-- I cannot forsake my religion."
Cal: "Then you forsake-- your life. Tie him up."
Roman: "Come on."
Eve: "Let him go."
Cal: "Who's this?"
A Roman [Whispers]: "Eve of the Elijans."
Cal: "Oh-- Eve of the Elijans. You know, I wish I hadn't been
away in the provinces when you were Livia. I would have enjoyed
meeting the bitch of Rome."
Eve: "Now I'm the bitch _for_ Rome-- and her people, through the
God of Eli-- whose love is an unconquerable force, once it has
entered the soul. As his message spreads, Caligula-- your days
of tyranny are over."
Cal [Yawns]: "Now I remember why I love to kill Elijans-- it's
the only thing that shuts them up."
[Laughter]
X [As Saba]: "Yah!"
Cal: "What was that?"
"Saba": "Yah! Yah! Yah!"
Roman Soldier: "She's coming too fast."
X: "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"
Roman Soldier: "Stop her!"
G: "Eve-- come with me."
A Roman's Volice: "Get her!"
[Fight]
"Saba": "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"
Cal: "Well-- I don't know who you are, but I like your style."
"Saba": "Yeah? How do you like this? Ares, you fool! What do
you think you're doing?!"
Ares: "I can't let you kill my sister."
"Saba": "What?"
Ares: "Aphrodite and Caligula's lives are bound together. If he
dies-- you destroy her, too."
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[ACT I]
G: "Are you all right?"
Eve: "Gabrielle, I'm fine. You shouldn't _be_ here! This is
_my_ mission."
G: "Your mother's mission is protecting you. Eve-- there are
some Elijans hiding in the catacombs on the outside of town.
We'll join you there. Go."
Eve: "OK."
G: "OK."
Cal: "Either you're _incredibly_ stupid-- or you know that
there's nothing I enjoy more than a good surprise." [Chuckles]
Ares: "OK, bad touching. No-- stopping now."
Cal: "Guards-- take him to the prison-- and take that Elijan
with him."
Roman: "My lord-- she's disappeared."
Cal: "Well, find her! I'll make sure that her demise is
particularly spectacular."
Aph: "I'm getting bored of all these distractions."
Cal: "Well, then,my dear-- you should rest. Oh! Yeah! Hoo!
All right. Why don't you try and tell me-- just exactly what you
think you were doing?!"
"Synda" ["Syn"]: "Allow me to explain. I am Synda of Thrace. I
represent the financial interest of the great charioteer-- Saba.
If that buffoon hadn't interrupted, then-- Saba would have
challenged you to a chariot race."
Cal: "A chariot race. Well, there may be some gold in it for
you if she can entertain me. Being a god can be so boring-- and
I do _so_ love tall girls. Come with me. You will be my guest
of honor at the palace-- so that I can enjoy your company-- until
the race."
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G: "Feels good."
X: "You know, Rome-- this place irks me. Gabrielle, we've gotta
stop Caligula from killing Eve."
G: "Xena, Eve is safe with the Elijans."
X: "For now-- but I don't trust her to stay put."
G: "We have to stop this madman without hurting Aphrodite."
X: "Which means that we have to find out what this crazy bond is
between them-- and break it."
G: "We have to stop this Caligula from committing genocide for
his cult of blood."
X: "Yes-- all right. Now, Aphrodite should be at the party. I
want you to go there, find her, and try to talk some sense into
her. I'm gonna join you there later. I need to go to the
dungeon-- and talk to Ares. Good luck."
G: "Xena, don't forget, you're the guest of honor!"
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G: "Aphrodite-- you're looking beautiful. You just seem a
little different. Aphrodite, don't you remember me?"
Aphrodite [Aph]: "You're being _very_ familiar-- considering I'm
a goddess and-- you're a butt-kissing parasite."
G: "Aphrodite, I'm your friend."
Aph: "Leave me alone."
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G: "Aphrodite-- Aphrodite, are you OK?"
Aph: "Fabulous! [Laughs] I'm wonderful! I've never been so
happy-- so-- so-- "
G [Whispers]: "What?"
Aph [Whispers]: "So happy."
G: "Wha-- what are you doing?!"
Aph: [Laughs]
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Cal: "Where _is_ she?"
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Aph: "I love him so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o much."
G: "Caligula? Aphrodite, I don't believe that."
Cal: "Aphrodite-- you must forgive her. She's tired and
emotional."
G: "I can tell."
Cal: "And where is your Saba? Hm-m? She insults both the
emperor and the god-- with her failure to appear. It's time for
the Praetorian guard to hunt her down. Mm-m-m-- maybe then
she'll learn the importance of punctuality-- in death."
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Ares: "Xena, thank the Heavens. How's Aphrodite?"
X: "I was hoping you could tell me. What happened to her?"
Ares: "I came to Rome because I heard she was losing her mind.
You see, without the god of war, the goddess of love becomes
unbalanced."
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"Syn": "Caligula [Chuckles]-- you aren't going to leave before
my world-renowned performance?"
Cal: "Performance?"
"Syn": "Yes."
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X: "Wh-wh-what does Caligula have to do with this?"
Ares: "It's like he's some kind of succubus-- sucking her
godhood from her bit-- by bit. Now, if you thought he ws bad as
an emperor-- imagine him with the powers of a full god. And
there's nothing-- I can do about it."
X: "Maybe I can."
Ares: "No. No."
X: "I've gotta come between them before it's too late."
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"Syn": "Hee! Kumalte! Kah! Jah! Bah! Yah! Kah! Kumalte!
Kah! Hee! Jah!"
Cal: "Shh-- sleep well."
"Syn": "Kah! Dah! Hee! Hee!"
Cal: "Oh! Oh. Brilliant! Fabulous!"
X [Aside]: "Did you get to Aphrodite?"
G [Aside]: "She doesn't recognize us."
[Laughter]
Cal: "Saba! We've missed your company."
"Saba": "I am at your command, sire."
Cal: "Oh-hoh. Careful-- I can have some pretty unusual
commands. Wow. But! Your _idea_ about the chariot race-- first
we need to know-- that you're a worthy opponent-- to race the god
Caligula."
"Saba": "Name your task, Lord. I will prove myself worthy of
your indulgence."
Cal: "Good. Prove yourself. Kill him." [Laughs]
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[ACT II]
"Saba": "In a former life, my manager and I had a little floor
show-- which we would like now to perform for you in honor of our
emperor's-- exotic taste in entertainment."
Cal: "Now, you're talking."
"Saba": "Do you want a piece of this?"
Cal: "I'm tempted-- deeply tempted, but I, uh-- I-I-I-- I
can't."
"Saba": "Well, just as you like-- though I would like to give
you a taste of what you'll be missing."
Cal: "Uh! Oh-- you are the savage one."
"Saba": "You have no idea. And now-- let us entertain you."
Ares: "You know-- I have fantasized about this in a hundred
different situations, I've gotta tell ya-- I never got to this
scenario."
X: "Well, enjoy it while you can-- 'cause in about 30 seconds--
all hell is gonna break loose."
Cal: "Oh! Guards! Put that woman in chains! Immediately!"
Ares: "Now?"
Aph: "Come on. Don't make 'em go home now."
Cal: "I said-- no! Everyone! I want this hall cleared!
Immediately! All of you go! You! Guard! Come here, now! Take
out your dagger! Do it! Stab me in the arm. Come on! Hah!
[Laughs] I still have it. Oh! Oh, my sweet immortality."
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Cal: "Blood. [Laughs] I'm gonna die." [Laughs]
G: "It's a small wound."
Aph: "Oh, today, maybe-- but then a bigger one and then one day,
like every pathetic mortal-- I'll be dead."
G: "Aphrodite, listen to me. You know me, Aphrodite. I'm your
friend."
Aph: "I'm not staying here to listen to this! No. No."
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"Saba": "Nice touch."
Cal: "Saba-- when you-- bit my lip-- you made me bleed. How is
that possible? I'm an immortal."
"Saba": "Join the club. Caligula-- _I_ am immortal, too."
Cal: "Saba the charioteer's a god?"
"Saba": "No, Saba the Celtic goddess of sex is a god. When I
heard that the Olympians had met an untimely end, I thought this
was a perfect opportunity for me to spread my-- wings. And of
course, when I saw you-- I knew you'd make the perfect ally."
Cal: "Well, what power do you have?"
"Saba": "You've already experienced my powers. I-- have the
ability to pierce the veil of immortality-- to make gods bleed--
to make gods die. It's an uncommon gift."
Cal: "And a risk for any god to keep you around."
"Saba": "A risk not to-- especially when you compare me to that
washed-out dish rag Aphoridite."
Cal [Snickers]: "Where is she, anyway?"
"Saba": "Forget her. She's weak. Now, how much better would it
be-- if there were two healthy gods using one antoher?"
Cal: "You mean-- you-- and I?"
"Saba": "Well, otherwise, you'll be known as `Caligula, god of
messed-up freaks'."
Cal: "Oh! How dare you-- speak to me in that way?! Do you
know who you're talking to?!"
"Saba": "Do you? My offer's on the table, Caligula. And think
about it, carefully. I make a very good friend-- and an even
better enemy."
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Cal's Mom: "Caligula-- "
Cal: [Screams]
Cal's Mom: "-- my cowardly son. Don't you recognize your own
mother's voice? I see you've become the pathetic man we always
thought you'd be. You're the laughingstock of all Rome."
Cal: "No!"
Cal's Mom: "You murdered your own family for this?!"
Cal: "I am a god! While you are just voices in my head!"
Cal's Mom: [Laughs]
Cal: "You're dead! Leave me alone!" [Screams]
Cal's Mom [Laughs]: "Leave you alone?!"
Cal: "By the Heavens! Somebody! Save me!"
Cal's Mom: "Caligula-- you're the only one-- who can save
yourself."
Mic: [Laughs]
Cal: "What sort of demon are you?"
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Eve: "At last. I'm ready."
Mic: "You are ready."
Eve: "Yes, Archangel."
Mic: "You're afraid."
Eve: "No, it's-- I'm-- "
Mic: "Have no fear."
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[ACT III]
Eve: "I give unto Caesar all that is Caesar's-- but I bring also
the message of Eli-- the only true path to redemption."
Cal: "Oh, you are _so_ earnest. This is going to be fun."
Eve: "Let go of lust and violence. Open your heart to truth and
hope."
Cal: "Lust and violence or-- truth-- and hope. Hm-m-- I think
I'll stick with the status quo."
"Saba": "Oh, fabulous."
Eve [Whispers]: "What? What?"
"Saba": "Caligula-- what on Earth did you _think_ you were
doing?"
Eve: "I don't _need_ you to interfere with my mission!"
"Saba": "Granted she's a bit irritating, but why here and now?"
Cal: "Well-- the demon with wings said that if I spilt her
blood, it would ensure my legacy as the greatest of all gods."
"Saba": "The demon with wings?"
Cal: "Hm-m."
"Saba": "My dear-- why here and now, when there is neither sport
nor glory in it?"
Cal: "Glory?"
"Saba: "For your cult of blood. Why, this could be a missed
opportunity. Every cult needs followers. If you were to, for
example, exterminate the messenger of Eli-- in front of the
masses, why--"
Cal: "Yes-- that would make them take notice."
"Saba": "Superb."
Cal: "I am, aren't I?"
"Saba": "Why do you prefer Aphrodite to me?"
Cal: "It's not that I prefer her, my sweet. I just need none
final thing from her?"
"Saba": "What's that?"
Cal: "A final kiss-- goodbye."
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Aph: "I'm sorry. [Sighs] Why are you doing this to me? What
do you want?"
G: "I want my friend back."
Aph: "I've never seen you before today. I could turn you into a
mosquito, you know?"
G: "You could have done that hours ago, but you didn't. You
know why? Because you do _know_ me. You don't want to hurt me."
Aph: "Well, if we're such good friends-- then how come I don't
recognize you?"
G: "Because you're giving up your identity to some maniac whom
you claim to love."
X: "Michae-e-e-e-e-e-e-el! You tried to get Caligula to kill
Eve to force my hand. Now you go after my girlfriends. That's
not gonna happen. Bring it on."
[Fight]
G [Whispers]: "Come on."
X: "Don't be afraid, Michael. OK, Michael-- you know the drill.
You got 30 seconds."
G: "Xena, stop it!"
X: "10-- 9-- "
Mic: "I was tryin' to kill Aphrodite-- not Gabrielle! Because
Caligula is threatening to become Eli's major foe-- and we can't
allow the madman to become a full god-- which will surely happen
if he kisses Aphrodite-- one more time-- and the only way I can
do that-- is by killing Aphrodite!"
X: "I've got one more question for ya-- "
Mic: "Huh?"
X: "What happens to angels when they die?"
G: "Xena, stop it!"
X: "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"
Mic: [Laughs]
X: "It's gone. They've taken it away from me."
G: "What? What is it?"
X: "The power to kill gods, Gabrielle-- it's gone."
Cal: "I've been looking for you, Aphrodite."
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[ACT IV]
"Saba": "No-o-o-o!"
Cal: "Your passion for me overrides your good sense-- but I like
that in a woman. I will forgive your jealous outburst--
because-- whoa! Oh, yeah! I feel good! Watch me!"
G: "Aphrodite-- hey."
Aph: "Gabrielle, I know we're like, close, but-- is this
appropriate?"
G: "Is it really you?"
Aph [Laughs]: "OK, Gabs-- has anyone ever told you that you can
be like, a total ditz?"
X: "Aphrodite-- what do you think about Caligula?"
Aph: "Um, nothing. Caligula-- ew-w-w."
X: "The bond between them's been broken."
Aph: "Yeah. OK, whatever. I'm getting us out of here."
X: "You can't, Aphrodite. Caligula is truly a god, now."
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"Saba": "Open the door. Leave us. Eve-- "
Ares: "What's happened?"
X: "Aphrodite's got her mind back-- but she's lost her
immortality."
Ares: "So he's a full god, now."
X: "It gets worse. Eli has stripped me of my power to kill
gods. It means I have no way of halting Caligula's madness.
Eve, I'm sorry."
Eve: "It wasn't the punch that hurt. You trampled right over
the decision I had made."
X: "I had to, Eve."
Eve: "No-- you forget, Mother-- it's my life. It's my death.
It's my choice."
X: "No, _you_ forget. I am your mother-- and I would die before
I'd let him touch a hair on your head."
Eve: "You can't protect me from all the cruelty in the world
forever, Mother."
X: "Well, it's funny you should say that."
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Romans' Voices: "More!" "Kill her!"
"Saba": "Get up!"
Roman Women: "Burn that woman!" "Fire!"
Cal: "Citizens of Rome! You are here to witness a chariot
race-- celebrating the allegiance between-- your god-emperor--
and his new queen-- the goddess Saba!"
Romans: "Hail to the queen!" "Long may she reign!"
Cal: "The victor of the race-- wins the right-- to kill-- Eve of
the Elijans-- formerly Livia-- the _whore_ of Rome!"
"Saba": Let it begin!"
Romans: "Caligula!" "A victory for Rome!"
Cal: "Hee-yah! Hyah! Come on!"
"Saba": "Hyah!"
Cal: "Heeyah! Yah! Come on! Heeyah! Hyah! Yah! Oops!
Still gettin' the hang of that! [Laughs] Heeyah! Heeyah!
Heeyah! Yah!"
"Saba": "Yah! Yah!"
Cal: "Yah! Yah!"
Romans: "Here they come!" "Look out!"
Cal: "Yeeah! Ha-ha-ha!"
"Saba": "Yee-ah-h-h! Yeah-h! Yah-h-h!"
Cal: "Come on!"
"Saba": "Yah! Caligula-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! Yah-h-h! Yah-h-h-h!
Yah-h-h-h-h! Get on!"
Cal: "Don't you just love this god stuff?!"
"Saba": "Absolutely! Yah! Ooh! Ah! Methinks my lord enjoys
this sport-- a little too much!"
Cal: "You got it, Babe! Yeah! Yeah!"
"Saba" "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"
Cal: "Come on!"
Roman's Voice: "Here they come! Caligula's in the lead!"
"Saba": "Yeah! Yah! Hyah!"
Cal: "Yah!"
"Saba": "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Yah!" [Laughs]
Cal: "Come on!"
"Saba": "Yah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"
Cal: "Yeah!"
"Saba": "Yah-h-h! Yah!"
Cal: "Faster!"
"Saba": "Yah!"
Roman's Voice: "Look out!"
Cal: "Well-- that was quite a race! I guess you're gonna be the
one who spills the blood."
"Saba": "Yes, I've been waiting for this opportunity a long
time-- only it won't be her blood that's spilt today."
G's Voice: "That's Xena."
G: "That's Xena, the warrior princess!"
Roman's Voice: "Xena?"
Cal: "Xena? Xena-- I know that name. Yes, Xena slayer of--
gods."
X: "Also known as Xena, mother of the girl you so charmingly
called-- `Whore of Rome'."
Cal: "Uh-- perhaps-- we could-- renegotiate the _exact_ terms of
the prize."
X: "No."
Crowd: "Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena!
Xena! Xena! [Etc.]"
X: "The only thing we'll negotiate is what happens to you.
Caligula, I have been killing gods for years and you can hardly
throw a fireball straight. So you gotta ask yourself-- do you
feel lucky?"
Crowd: "Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! Xena! [Etc.]"
Cal: "I am your-- emperor! I am your god! How dare you not
give me-- the respect that I deserve!"
Roman's Voice: "-- Caligula."
Cal: "You're nothing!"
Crowd: [Jeers]
Cal: "I allow you to worship me!"
Crowd: [Laughs]
Woman's Voice: "Perfect!"
X: "Hold on, Caligula-- I'm going to spare you the humiliation--
of dying on your knees."
Cal: "Please--"
X: "Listen to me. Still, you're gonna have what you've always
wanted-- your place amongst the pantheon of Roman gods. What
better way to start your new cult of blood-- than with the
ultimate act of bloodshed-- the spilling of your own blood?"
Roman's Voice: "Down with Caligula!"
Cal: "They-- they hate me."
X: "Don't listen to them."
Cal: "They think I'm weak!"
X: "Then prove to them you're not. Caligula, kill yourself. If
I kill ya-- why, you're just another dead god. But if you were
to kill yourself-- "
Cal: "-- then-- then my name lives forever."
X: "Forever-- yes. Do it, Caligula. Take your rightful place.
[Whispers] Do it. I understand you."
Cal: "Yes-- live-- forever. Yuh! Yes! Uh!"
X: "The only person in all Rome who could kill Caligula-- was
Caligula."
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G: "How are you feeling?"
X: "Dirty. How should I feel?"
G: "Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil."
X: "No-- he was damaged. He wasn't evil."
Aph: "It's not fair. Uh! It's not fair! Oh, it's not fair,
it's not fair, it's not fair!"
Ares: "Welcome to my nightmare, Sis."
G: "Hm-m."
Aph: "Gabrielle-- when you were tryting to get through to me
earlier, you said a coupl'a times that you were my friend. Did
you really mean that?"
G: "Absolutely."
Aph: "How cloyingly sentimental-- but very much appreciated."
X: "All right, everyone-- let's get outta here. Come on."
Eve: "Are you sorry, Mother? To lose your greatest gift? The
ability to kill gods?"
X: "Nah, it'll just make life spicier. Besides, I've still got
my two greatest gifts-- and I've got no intention of losing
either of them."
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