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TRANSCRIPTION OF
SEND IN THE CLONES


"Send in the Clones"  Episode 128/616

[TEASER]

Alexis [Ale]:  "2000-year-old hair samples--perfectly preserved.  It's all there."

Man [Whispers]:  "Thanks."

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[[[[[[Alti:  "What's it gonna be, Xena?"  X:  "All right, you win.  You give me my child's soul, and I will take you back to my world."  Alti:  "Tsk-tsk.  First, you take me back-- then you get your child."  X:  "The ritual's already begun.  All you have to do is take my hand."  Alti:  "I knew you'd see things my way."  Alti:  "Now, the real fun starts."]]]]]]

Polly [Pol]'s Voice:  "You know?  I  just loved _everything_ about this episode."

Lea's Voice:  "Yeah, that's a good one.  We should definitely include that.  You know?  It's important we have clips that strongly represent Xena's enemies."

*'s Voice:  "Shouldn't we have some more Joxer stuff?"

Pol's Voice:  "You're kidding, aren't you?"

Lea:  "Could someone get that phone?"

*:  "Y'ello."

Ale:  "It's Alexis."

* [Whispers]:  "It's her."  [Normal Voice]  "Yes, Alexis?"

Ale:  "Phase 1 is complete.  Have you compiled the clips?"

*:  "Uh, uh, they're almost done."

Ale:  "They need to be on digital discs.  When we transfer there can't be any dropping of--"

*:  "Alexis, uh-- this is my field.  I'm the computer nerd, remember?  I know what I'm doing."

Ale:  "Do you have a balanced selection?"

*:  "Personally, I'd like to see more Joxer stuff."

Ale:  "Look, any disagreements will be settled by Lea.  She's working with us because of her knowledge of psychological profiles.  You'll defer to her."

*:  "All right."

Ale:  "And the rest of the team, has it come together?  Do you have Dr. Polly?"

*:  "Yes."

Ale:  "Great.  Three of you meet me here in 72 hours."

*:  "Okey-dokey."

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Lea:  "Well?!  Did it work?!"

*:  "Please, tell us what we want to hear, Alexis!"

Pol:  "The DNA in the hair, was it-- ?"

Ale:  "Everthing we hoped for.  Maturation acceleration worked beyond my wildest dreams.  Now-- see for yourselves."

Lea:  "I'm gonna cry."

Pol [Sighs]:  "Awesome."

*:  "Cool."

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[ACT I]

Ale:  "Physically, the clones are complete.  Now we just need to use the clips to bring them to life."

Lea:  "So, your man in Macedonia really came through, huh?"

Ale:  "He promised me 2 strands of hair from the tomb of the scrolls-- and he delivered.  My carbon testing shows the hairs to be between 2- and 3000 years old."

Pol:  "Two ancient Mycenaean heroes-- alive in the 21st century.  From here on, the world will be a better place!"

Ale:  "If we can wake them successfully.  Right now, they're just-- clones of the originals.  Xena and Gabrielle's memories and personalities-- are dormant."

*:  "Yeah-- but they're great to look at just the way they are."

Lea:  "Don't be a male cliche.  You telling me you're excited by looking at-- liefeless female forms that have no mind or personality?"

*:  "Yeah."

Ale:  "The disks?"

*:  "Oh, sure.  I gotta be honest with you, though.  Gabfan here loaded this 1st one up pretty heavily with Gabrielle stuff."

Pol's Voice:  "Yeah, you'd think all they did was sit around in baths and at campfires emoting."

Lea:  "I included other things, but I feel very strongtly that Gabrielle is the most important relationship in Xena's life."

*:  "If you start talking about subtextg, I'm gonna barf."

Pol:  "We're not bringing her back to life to counsel the lovelorn.  She's gotta be able to kick ass!"

*'s Voice:  "Yeah, but Joxer is just-- "

Ale:  "Uh-- "

Pol:  "Xena without-- "

Ale:  "-- we'll settle this later.  Polly?  Could you prepare the clones for download, please?"

Pol:  "Oh, OK."

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Pol:  "All set."

Lea:  "Let's start with the official video salute to Gabrielle!  To the tune of Bette Midler's-- `Wind Beneath My Wings.'"

*:  "Whoa-- they need a wake-up call, not sleep-aids."

Ale:  "Let's start with Polly's selection."

Lea:  "But, Gabrielle is more important than Xena's fighting skills."

Ale:  "In the overall picture, sure, but-- she's a warrior, first and foremost.  Use Polly's selection."

Pol [Chuckles]:  "Pow!  Whoo-hoo!  Hoo!"  [Laughs]

[[[[[[X:  "Give it your best shot."  [Fight]]]]]]]

Pol:  "Whoo-hoo!"

Lea:  "Oh, she looked so dangerous in this."

*:  "See, that one?  I loved that one."

Lea:  "You know?  That's not a-- that's not a stunt double."

[[[[[[X:  "Your kindom awaits!"]]]]]]

Pol:  "They're not responding.  No R.E.M. no synaptic, or adrenal reactions."

*:  "Hey what'd you stop it for?!  That was rockin'!"

Lea:  "She needs a dose of Gaby.  That'll jump-start her heart."

*:  "Heart-schmart.  Maybe we're goin' about this all the wrong way.  Maybe-- we need a more hands-on approach.  What about a bit of-- cardiac massage?"

Lea:  "He could be right.  Or-- mouth-to-mouth."

Pol:  "Maybe what you 2 need is a bucket of cold water-- or your asses kicked."

Lea:  "Think about-- the fun they had together-- the baths they shared."

*:  "If you're talkin' about their special relationship, I'm into that.  Just let me watch."

Ale:  "Uh, you know what?  I think-- that's it-- for today.  If we download too much they-- they could go crazy."

Pol:  "When they wake up, they'll need clothes.  I ordered their costumes from the catalog.  I'll bring 'em in tomorrow!"  [Laughs]

Lea [Laughs]:  "I can't wait to dress them!"

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[[[[[[X:  "You'll be dead in thirty seconds.  But know this-- you won't be the last.  Tell Hades to prepare himself.  A new Xena is born tonight-- with a new purpose in life-- death."  [Fight]  X:  "I say-- kill'em all!"  X:  "Put her on the cross.  Break her legs."  G:  [Screams]]]]]]]

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[ACT II]

Lea:  "I know Gabrielle was always a fast learner.  Oh, no!  You cut her hair!  I wanted her to have _long_ hair, like classic Gaby!"

*:  "Only in the reruns, Babe.  That's strange."

Ale:  "What?"

*:  "Uh-- there's a-- download in here that I didn't do.  Let's have a look at it.  I didn't compile this footage."

Ale:  "Those are all evil Xena images.  Somebody must've gotten into the computer after we left.  How-- did that happen?"

Pol:  "Her life signs have elevated.  Something's had an effect."

*:  "They're-they're gonna wake up soon.  We-we better get them ready."

Lea:  "Yeah, but which Xena's gonna wake up?  The power-hungry warrior, motivated only by blood lust and hate?"

Ale:  "I would, uh-- get my hands off of her boobs."

Lea:  "This is serious.  If Xena's been watching that tape all night, she could've suffered deep trauma.  I'm telling you, we should feed both her and Gabrielle my Gaby tapes to repair the damage."

Ale:  "Yes-- the Gabrielle tapes are essential now."

*:  "OK-- bringing up Gabrielle footage."

[[[[[[G:  "Take me with you.  I want so much to be like you."  X:  "And I want to be like you."  G:  "Eli?  I failed my first test."  Eli:  "It's hard, the way of love.  It may not be right for you.  But if you choose to follow it-- you must do so with all your heart.  You'll fail more than once.  But don't give up hope.  In the end-- you'll redeem the world."  X:  "I'm sorry I took you so far from your truth."  G:  "Don't be sorry.  Xena-- do you think I could have understood the power of selfless love-- if it weren't for our friendship?"]]]]]]

Pol:  "Enough with the lovey-dovey crap!  You're putting 'em back to sleep."

Lea:  "I actually agree with you.  Even Gabrielle herself needs a sense of her mission.  Download Polly's Gabrielle selection."

*:  "Loading-- Gaby's action footage."

Pol:  "That's more like it."

* [Mouths]:  Boom."

Ale:  "We need more positive input into Xena-- to counteract those evil images-- a scene showing-- the consequences of her dark past.  Bring up that one."

[[[[[[X:  "Some call me the Warrior Princess.  Some call me `murderer.'  Many years ago, there was a village called Cirra.  It was a village just like yours-- small and-- and prosperous-- full of life-- until a day that my army came.  Until the day that I came-- destroyed it.  Under my orders, my men-- they sacked the village; burned the houses; and killed every living thing.  Everything was destroyed-- including the soul of one young, innocent girl-- who will never be able to reclaim her childhood-- and will never know what the Fates had planned for her if not for me."]]]]]]

Pol:  "I wonder if that was such a good idea.  Seeing Callisto again's only gonna make her blood boil."

Lea:  "A campfire scene-- we need a nice campfire scene with Gaby-- like the one from Series 2, Ep. 11, just before the 2nd Act break."

*:  "Duh!  The campfire scene in that episode was in the teaser."

Pol's Voice:  "It was not!"

Ale:  "Come on, guys."

Ale's Voice:  "Could we give it a break?"

Lea:  "Besides, the classic was Series 4, Episode 7, when she does that-- "

* [Interrupts]:  "Series 4."

Lea:  "-- poignant little insight into her character as she's taking her boots off-- as she sits by the campfire-- "

* and Pol:  "She kept her boots on!"

X:  "I've just shut off the flow of blood to your brain.  You'll be dead in 30 seconds unless you tell me what's going on."

Lea:  "Um-- Xe-- Xe-- um-- "

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[ACT III]

Ale:  "All right, everybody-- stay calm."

*:  "I-- I-- I gotta be honest with you-- I'm not calm."

G:  "Xena?"

X:  "Gabrielle.  All right, you'd better start talking."

Ale:  "We've reproduced you-- exactly as you existed 2000 years ago.  It's a process called cloning.  Welcome to the future."

*:  "Come on."

G:  "Xena, shouldn't you take the pinch off him?"

Lea:  "Um-- how much do you remember?"

*:  "She remembers the pinch pretty good.  Hey!  I just got pinched by Xena!"

G:  "Did Ares do this?"

Ale:  "No, a higher power called science."

X:  "Why have you brought us here."

Lea:  "Because we need heroes-- now more than ever.  Look-- these are the kind of things that happen in our world every day-- violence-- civil unrest-- crime-- it's everywhere-- and it's getting worse all the time."

Pol:  "We need someone to go out there and kick butt."

X:  "You got the right girl for that."

*:  "She can kick my butt any day."

Lea:  "Um-- we'-- we're hopin' you would kick butt for good."

*:  "Oh, it'd be good."

Lea's Voice:  "He's gross."

X:  "We're hungry.  Got any food?"

Lea:  "Yes-- yes, we do.  Here."

*:  "They're-- uh, sort of like chakram-- but you can eat 'em."

Lea's Voice:  "Sugar and fat."

Pol's Voice:  "They're delicious."

Lea's Voice:  "Mm-m-m-m."

*, Lea, and Pol:  "Mm-m-m."

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G [Thinking]:  "The loving friends we meet on our journey-- return to us-- time after time.  We never die-- because we were never really born."  [Laughs]

X:  [Burps]

Pol [Thinking]:  "Xena could kick Jackie Chan's ass.  Jet Lee-- no contest.  If Bruce Lee were to come back from his grave-- Xena'd kick his ass, too."

* [Thinking]:  "Oh, man they're hot-- and you know, after 2000 years, they've gotta be horny.  I see 'em lookin' at me, and there's no competition.  I'm gonna be their 1st 21st-centurry man."

Lea [Thinking]:  "The others almost ruined everything with their macho discs.  I know-- after lights out, I'll play 'em a full season of old `Ellen' episodes.  Yeah."

X:  "All right.  That's not how it happened.  I woke you up before I went to Valhalla, right?"

G:  "That's how I remember it.  You're right."

Pol:  "Wow-- your memories are of the real Xener [sic] and Gabrielle, not just the ones we programmed you with."

Lea:  "Yeah, that was the plan-- to stimulate their-- latent memories."

*:  "So, what do you guys think of the show?"

X:  "I like the one who plays me.  She's kinda sexy."

G:  "What about this writing, Xena?  I mean, it's not exactly Euripides.  They have taken liberties with my scrolls."

X:  "Yeah, and what _are_ they tryin' to say about our relationship, anyway?"

G:  "Who knows?"

*:  "Xena, um-- you know, uh-- you and Ares, uh-- did you, um, ever-- you know-- well-- did you, um-- ?"

X:  "Get a life, pervert."

G's Voice:  "Now, now-- Xena."

X:  "All right, Gabrielle, what's next?"

G:  "Well, look, they want heroes, right?  We find a mission.  We do some good."

X:  "That old greater-good thing?  I don't know.  It kinda doesn't appeal this time around.  Oh, you got some sugar and fat."

G:  "Hey!"

X:  "I always wanted to do that.  Oh, and, uh-- Gabrielle, if that pork starts talkin' back to ya, they got a whole room back here designed for the whole purplse of relievin' yourself.  Way-hey!"

G:  "A whole room?"

Ale:  "Gabrielle, um-- can I speak frankly with you?"

G:  "Yeah."

Ale:  "I'm a little concerned that we may have woken up the evil Xena."

G:  "Is that what's wrong with her?"

Ale:  "Mm-m-m-- why don't you guys take care of Xena-- and I'm gonna get Gabrielle up to speed?"

[[[[[[X's Voice:  "Grinhilda-- listen to me.  You weren't always this way.  It was _my_ actions that turned you into this beast."]]]]]]

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G:  "Wow-- it's so big."

Ale:  "Yeah, it sure has changed, huh?  This is her.  She broke into the lab dressed as some kind of, uh-- television character.  I think she's a bit of a loony."

G:  "What is going on?"

Female Cop:  "Miss-- some identification?"

G:  "What?"

Female Cop:  "Look-- if you're not gonna cooperate, lady, I'm afraid we're just gonna have to take you in."

G:  "No, wait a minute-- look, I don't know what ridiculous story she told you, but for your information-- she cloned me from a strand of hair she found 2000 years ago."

Female Cop:  "All right, she's a loon.  Let's take her.  Come on.  Drop your weapons."

Ale:  "I'd do what they say, Sweetie-- you saw what those weapons can do-- in the videos we showed you?"

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[[[[[[Jox:  "You wanna fight, huh?  Fine with me.  Ow-w-w-w-w!"  Jox:  "Ooh!  Ooh!"  Jox:  "Gotcha now!"  G:  "Hopeless."  Jox:  "It's funny."  Jox:  That does it!  I'm gonna rip you apart with my bare hands!"]]]]]]

*:  "Do you think that's an accurate characterization of Joxer?"

X:  "Yeah, pretty much.  Don't remember him being _that_ smart, though."

Ale:  "Xena, I am so sorry, but Gabrielle has been arrested."

Lea:  "How can that happen?!"

Ale:  "There was nothing that I could do.  The police-- "

X:  "What's police?"

Ale:  "Uh-- the local warlords-- they confiscated her sais and then they took her!"

X:  "Took her where?"

Ale:  "To the city jail-- out the front door, to the left, 2 miles down the road."

X [Whispers]:  "Right."

*:  "Are you insane?  You're encouraging her!"

Ale:  "Xena, wait!  You might need this."

X:  "My chakram-- the real thing."

Ale:  "Yes, it is."

X [Whispers]:  "Got it."

Lea:  "Have you lost your mind?!  You've just set her on a course that'll bring her into direct conflict with the authorities!"

Pol:  "And-- where did you get that chakram?"

*:  "You know, I'm beginning to think there are a few things you haven't told us."

Ale:  "Yes-- a few."

*, Pol, and Lea:  "Alti?  Alti."

Alti:  [Laughs]

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[ACT IV]

*:  "But why?"

Alti:  "Well-- I'd spent countless incarnations enjoying the fact that Xena's reputation as a do-gooder was lost for eternity.  After she died-- I hid the scrolls.  And I thought I could just sit back and enjoy the unchecked evolution of evil on Earth.  It's really hit a few high points in the last century.  But then-- this hideous TV show starts celebrating her as a defender of-- righteousness.  Well, we'll see how long that reputation lasts."

Reporter:  "Reports are flooding in of a reign of terror sweeping through the downtown area.  A woman dressed like the television character, Xena, Warrior Princess, has broken into the city jail and freed another woman dressed as Gabrielle-- the Warrior Princess' sidekick."

Lea:  "She's plenty more than just a sidekick."

Reporter [Interrupts]:  "Our cameras are trying to catch up with the rampaging abductee--"

Pol [Interrupts]:  "Would you give that stuff a rest?" 

Reporter:  "-- but witness are shaken."

Cop:  "We got concussions.  We got broken bones.  We got blood on the floor.  Crazy chick-- she's got the strangest damn round weapon, kind of like a frisbee."

Reporter:  "The public is warned that this woman is armed and highly dangerous, and should not be approached under any circumstances."

Alti:  "I couldn't have written it better myself."

Lea:  "You cloned an evil Xena to discredit her."

Alti:  "Ah, you catch on fast."

Reporter:  "Eyewitnesses describe her leaping from car to car leading to high-speed collisions and multiple pile-ups."

Alti:  "Xena wasn't always an angel in the early days-- "

Reporter's Voice:  "-- state and local--"

Alti:  "-- but she gets 22 episodes of a TV show, and everyone thinks she's a great hero.  Well, they'll soon know the real truth."

Reporter:  "Swat teams have been mobilized."

Alti:  "And once she's alienated herself from everything good-- decent-- she'll follow me-- and together-- we'll rule the world.  [Chuckles]  Let's go.

Pol's Voice:  "Why didn't you try to stop her?!"

*:  "_You_ stop her!  Ah-h!"

Reporter:  "Lawlessness."

Edwin B. Stalter Animal Enthusiast:  "OK, well, I was just like, uh-- watchin' my giraffes-- and, uh-- and then Xena turns up, and it's like-- it's her, man, it's [BLEEP]ing her!  And it's like-- there's cops-- all over the place-- you know?  And-- but Xena's just like-- Whee-ha!  And then she's like-- H'yah!  You know?  She totally [BLEEP]ing deals with the heat, man.  But then-- she just-- jumps the fence-- lands on the back of this crazy-ass, like, horse.  She's [BLEEP]ing gone.  It was awesome, man.  You know, Xena's-- hot, too, you know?"

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G:  "What is that?!"

X:  "What?!"

G:  "What are you doing?!"

X:  "I'm making me some new weapons.  These things are hopeless in hand-to-hand com--"

Cat:  [Screeches]

X:  "See what I mean?  And these?  Merely toys."

G:  "Xena-- you could have killed someone at the city dungeon."

X:  "They had you locked up.  What did you want to do?  Rot there the rest of your life?"

G:  "You know, we can't just w-- "

X [Interrupts]:  "If they want trouble-- they're gonna get it."

Alti:  "I hear you've been busy, Xena."

X:  "Alti"

Alti:  "Missed your fire-- your fury."

G:  "Don't listen to her."

X:  "Huh?"

Alti:  "Remember what we used to have, Xena?"

[[[[[[Alti:  "Help me-- and I'll make you-- the `Destroyer of Nations'."  X:  "All right, I delivered."  Alti:  "You did, indeed."  X:  "I am the `Destroyer of Nations'."]]]]]]"

Alti:  "Remember the thrill of conquest-- you had, hm-m-m?  Before she came into your life?"

[[[[[[Horse-chasing scene from The Rheingold]]]]]]

G:  "Don't listen to her."

Alti:  "Doesn't her little voice remind you of her betrayal?"

[[[[[[G:  "I'm sorry, Xena.  I couldn't let you do this."]]]]]]

Alti:  "What her lies did to your son."

X:  "My son."

[[[[[[X:  "Solon?  Solon?  Hey-- hey, Solon.  Solon."  G:  "Xena?  No.  No.  No."  X:  "Get out."  G:  "Xena-- "  X:  "Go!  Solon.  Solon-- please.  I'm here, now.  Your mom is here now-- just like you always wanted."  [Screams]]]]]]]

Alti:  "And how much you enjoyed avenging that deed, huh?"

[[[[[[G:  "Xena!"  Bitter Suite:  The Gabdrag  X:  "Vengeance!"]]]]]]

X:  "Why did you bring her back?"

Alti:  "Well-- consider her my gift to you, Xena."

G [Whispers]:  "Xena.  [Normal]  Xena, you weren't like this in the end.  Think of what we accomplished.  Think of the good that we did for the world."

[[[[[[X:  "Come on!  Move!"  G:  "Get down!"  Woman:  "Where's my little girl?!  Where's my little girl?!"  G:  "Xena!"  Woman:  "Ah-h!"  X:  "Kid, come here.  Come on."  Girl:  [Screams]]]]]]]

X [Whispers]:  "Gabrielle."

G:  "Xena, the good that we did for each other."

[[[[[[G:  "After all we've been through?  I am with you till the end."  X:  "When I reach down inside myself and do things that I'm not capable of, it's because of you."  X:  "You talk about trying to find your way, but to me, you are my way."  X:  "I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right."  G:  "Xena-- you've brought out the best in me.  You saved me, Xena."  G:  "But I'm a part of you.  I want it to be like that forever.  I love you."  X:  "You are the best thing that ever happened to me.  You gave my life meaning and joy.  You will be a part of me forever."]]]]]]

[Fight]

G:  "Let's go!"

X:  "For an old bird, you sure move fast."

Alti:  "Nice move, Xena.  You'll make a great sidekick."

X:  "I'll give you `sidekick.'  Alti?  Alti."

Alti:  "Nice work, Xena.  Haven't lost your touch."

Pol:  "Runt!"

G:  "Wait!  No!"

Pol:  "Now you'll have to deal with me."

X:  "Ru-u-u-u-u-u-u-un!  Come on!  Let's go!  Now!  Come on."

*:  "Look out!  Look out!  Look out!"

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Pol:  "There was nothing left of them."

Lea:  "I guess clones just-- break up easy."

*:  "Well, maybe it was for the best.  I mean-- we were messing with nature."

Lea:  "Are you kidding?  We had-- the greatest heroes in history here-- and now they're gone."

Pol:  "You know?  To be honest?  I-- I was a bit disappointed anyway.  I mean, they just seemed to be-- so much more dynamic on TV."

Lea [Interrupts]:  "On TV, yeah."

Pol:  "Yeah."

*:  "Hey, do you guys think they're gonna believe us at the conventions?"

Lea:  "You  kidding?"

Pol:  "Not a chance."

*:  "Hey, we could do someone else.  You know?  I-- I've got some of Dr. Spock's toenails at home, from when I was a Trekkie?"

Lea:  "You were a Trekkie?"

*:  "Yeah?"

Lea:  "You really are a nerd."

*:  "Hey, I'm-I'm not-not proud of it, OK?"

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