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TRANSCRIPTION OF
MANY HAPPY RETURNS


"Many Happy Returns"  Episode 131/619

[TEASER]

G:  "How big is it?"

X:  "It's huge!"

G:  "Is it so big that I can't carry it?"

X:  "Nah, you can slip it in your pocket."

G:  "Tell me!"

X:  "No."

G:  "Ah!"

X:  "No-- because then it won't be your birthday surprise, will it?  You'll find out tomorrow."

G:  "Yeah, another year older, but wiser?  No."

X:  "Well, anyway-- you can't find out what it is until after you-know-what."

G:  "Not the pranks."

X:  "It's tradition."

G:  "Xena, tradition or not-- no practical jokes this year, all right?!  Not at all.  Please?  Please?"

X:  "Oh, you're gonna have to do better than that."

G:  "Please?  Please?"

X:  "All right-- no practical jokes."

G:  "Good."

X:  "Hold this for a moment, wouldja?"

G:  "Yeah.  Ow-w-w-w-- you'd think the helmet of Hermes would be a little lighter."

X:  "I promised King Thoez we'd drop it off to him for his coronation, since we're going that way anyway."

G:  "Does that mean my present is in Thebes?"

X:  "What is that?"

G:  "Xena, give me that.  Here.  Huh.  I don't see anything."

X:  "Huh-- my mistake."

Zarat [Zar]'s:  "Oh, Lord!  Hear me now!"

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Zar's Voice:  "Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h Lord!  We beseech thee!  Protect us-- "

Zar:  "-- from Feragus!"

Priests:  "Protect us-- from Feragus!"

Zar:  "And lest ya find us-- ungrateful, Lord-- we offer you a soul-- of unmatched purity.  We ask that you grant us sanctuary-- from the warlord."

Zar:  "Almighty master-- save us from disaster!"

Priests:  "Save us from disaster."

X:  "Put the girl down!"

Zar:  "You're interrupting a religious ceremony!"

X:  "Forgive me, Father."

Zar:  "Stop her!"

[Fight]

Zar:  "Help me!  Pull it loose!"

Geniah [Gen]:  [Yells]

Zar:  "I commend you-- to the almighty!"

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X:  "It's all right.  I've gotcha."

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X:  "All right.  You all right?"

Gen:  "Oh, divine presence-- as you have made yourself mainifest-- take thy humble servant, Geniah, to thy bosom."

X:  "Whoa-- these are spoken for.  Now, _what_ are you doing?"

Gen:  "Praying to you-- oh, flying one."

X:  "Oh, no, no, no-- it's just a hat.  Look-- I'm not a god.  My name is Xena."

Gen:  "You mean-- I'm still alive?"

X:  "You're still alive."

Gen:  "I don't believe it!"

X:  "Think nothin' of it."

Gen:  "You ruined my sacrifice!"

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[ACT I]

Gen:  "You can't just go around ruining other people's sacrifices like that!"

X:  "Why would you wanna sacrifice yourself to any god?"

Gen:  "It's my sacred duty to give my life to the all-knowing-- almighty to show my--  what is on your eye?"

X:  "Oh, uh-- "

G:  "Huh?"

X:  "-- it's a birthmark.  We don't talk about it.  Sh-h-h-h."

Gen:  "Are you sure you're not a god?"

G:  "Ha-- ha-ha-- there's nothing divine about Xena.  If she were a god, then I couldn't do this!"

X:  "Ow!"

G:  "Or that.  Or this-- Ow!"

X:  "All right.  You made your point."

G:  "OK."

X:  "Now, look Geniah-- if your god was all-powerful and all-knowing, then maybe he sent me to save you."

Gen:  "Or maybe he sent you to test my faith.  I'm going to hold my breath and sacrifice myself."

X:  "Yeah, good one.  Now, listen Gabrielle-- this kid needs our help."

G's Voice:  "Mm-m-m-- "

X's Voice:  "She's so blindly devoted to that god of hers, she's willing to kill herself."

G's Voice:  "Well, why don't we introduce her to the gods that we know?"

G:  "Then she wouldn't wanna throw herself over a cliff for them."

X:  "Now, that is not a bad idea.  Come on, Geniah.  Quit goofin' around.  I got someone we want you to meet."

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Lagot [Lag]:  "They've, uh-- taken the virgin, your holiness."  [Gasps]

Zar:  "Curses me.  We must-- find the girl!"

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Feragus [Fer]:  "Oh, yeah-- you're the biggest-- baddest-- warlord this side-- of Athens!  Yeah-ha-hah-h-h-h-h!"  [Laughs]

Frankus [Fra]:  "Father!  News from the zealot camp!"

Fer:  "What?!  Them numbskulls still think their god's gonna stop me from raiding them whenever I like?!  Hah!  Waste of a perfectly good virgin."

Fra:  "Not this time, Pop.  A woman swooped in-- "

Guard's Voice:  "Ow!"

Fra:  "-- dark-- "

Guard's Voice:  "My eye!"

Fra:  "-- beautiful-- dressed in leather.  She jumped off the cliff and-- saved the girl."

Fer [Yells]:  "Xena-- the warrior pain in my ass!  But wait!  Not even Xena could survive-- falling from the cliff."

Fra:  "She didn fall.  She flew.  She put on this helmet-- and flew."

Fer:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-- must be the helmet of Hermes.  Son-- I have a job for you."

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Gen:  "Oh-h-h-h-h-- what a beautiful spot!"

X:  "Yeah, it's nice."

G:  "Nothing like sleeping under the stars, huh, Xena?"

X:  "Mm-hm-m."

Gen:  "In the convent, they locked me in my room from sunset to sunrise."

G:  "Were you raised to be a priestess?"

Gen:  "Oh-- no, no-- I was raised to be a virgin sacrifice."

X:  "Here."

Gen:  "Ooh!"

X:  "Make up your bedroll."

Gen [Sighs]:  "There we go.  Now, is there anything else that I c-- ?

G's Voice:  "Last one in is a Centaur dropping!"

X:  "She-e-e-e-e-e-e-yah!"

G:  "Oh-h-h-h-h-h!  Yahoo!  It's cold!  Hey!"

X:  "Get off!  I can't believe you did that!"

G:  "Come on in!"

Gen:  "No."

G:  "The water's great!"

Gen:  "No, thank you.  It's OK.  I'll just-- stay here and-- look at-- the bushes!"

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Gen:  "I have never experienced such pleasure."

X:  "And so quickly, too."

Gen:  "Oh, my!  I've eaten one of the almighty's creatures!  As penace-- I'm going to sleep on the cold, hard ground."

G:  "You know, a better penance would be to clean the frying pan.  Oh, virgin one-- it gets cold out here."

X:  "You know, if the gods didn't want us to eat fish, then how come they made it taste so good?  Hmm?  You know, you should get some rest, Gabrielle.  It's a big day tomorrow."

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G [Laughs]:  "Stop, Xena!  Would you get your cold, clammy feet off me?!"

X:  "Gabrielle, I don't know what you're talking about."

G:  "Hmm?  Uh!  No!  No!  [Etc.]  You're not going to give up, are you?!  I hope you know, Xena-- this means war!"

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X:  [Hums]

Gen:  "What a beautiul morning.  Did you sleep well?"

G:  "Not particularly.  You know, if you wanna travel with us-- a few things I should tell you.  Never, under any circumstances-- interrrupt Xena when she's having a morning bath."

X:  "Gabrielle!"

G:  "Yes, Xena."

X:  "My clothes are missing!  Any idea where they are?!"

G:  "Um-- I think they're right under your nose."

X:  "Oh, it's all right!  Here they are!"

G [Laughs]:  "I, uh-h-h-h-- I thought-- I mean Xena, you can catch arrows.  I thought for sure you could catch a-- a bucket-- of fish guts."

X:  "Happy birthday, Gabrielle."

G:  "This means that we're even, now, right?"

X:  "All even?  No, I-I think we're just getting started."

G:  "OK.  Right."

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Gen's Voice:  "So-- this is one of your gods' temples."

X:  "Yep."

Gen:  "A pure and holy place.  Perfect be God-- and all God's places.  Perfect be God-- in all God's graces."

X:  "Boy, is she in for a surprise.  Aphrodite."

Aph [Giggles]:  "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group."  [Giggles]

X:  "Geniah-- meet Aphrodite."

Aph:  "Yeah.  Ooh."

X:  "Goddess of love."


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[ACT II]

X:  "Aphrodite?  Meet Geniah-- a virgin."

Aph:  [Gasps]

Gen:  "I don't believe it."

Aph:  "I don't either!  I thought you guys were extinct!"

Gen:  "But-- the goddess is an evil myth-- told to rob women of their virtue-- and strip men of their pride."

Aph [Laughs]:  "Well, you got the stripping men part right, Honey?  Um-- ladies-- am I mistaken-- or, is it someone's birthday today?  [Squeals]  Happy birthday, Gaby."

G:  "Thank you."

Aph:  "What is that awful smell?"

X:  "Listen-- we're going to Thebes for Gabrielle's birthday.  Care to join us?"

Aph:  "Thebes?  You got Sappho tickets?  What row?"

G:  "Xena, Sappho tickets.  I love her poetry."

X:  "Surprise."

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X:  "Here-- want some water?"

G:  "Oh-- no, no, no-- uh-uh."

X:  "Suit yourself."

Gen:  "Thanks."

Aph:  "Goddesses don't drink."

Gen:  "Like you're really a goddess."

Aph:  "Watch this.  I like that bag.  I have that bag."  [Giggles]

Gen:  "Some sort of illusion, I'm sure."

Aph:  "OK-- watch this."

Gen:  "If you were really a god-- you'd use your powers to reward the faithful and punish sinners-- not do party tricks."

Aph [Laughs]:  "Well, I'm really more of a material girl.  Xena-- can I just pop us to Thebes?"

X:  "Nope-- I want Geniah to spend time with an honest-to-goodness immortal.  That's you.  Come on, Gabrielle-- the sooner we get going, the sooner you'll get your present."

G:  "Uh-huh.  She's planning my doom.  I know it.  I can feel it."

Aph:  "This is gonna be a fun trip.  Come on, you unfaithful."

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Gen:  "Wos!  So, this is what the world's like."

Aph:  "Virgin in the city.  That is so cute.  You come with me."

X:  "Here, Gabrielle.  Care for a bite?"

G:  "Xena-- that's that forbidden fruit gag, huh?  No, you probably laced it with chili powder, or-- arsenic, or-- or not."

X:  "Come on, girls-- we got a show to catch."  [Chuckles]

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G:  [Moans]

X:  "Gabrielle, look I'm sorry.  I-- don't know how I could'a gotten the times wrong."

G:  "Xena-- I cannot believe we came all this way and we missed Sappho."

X:  "Just relax.  Here, have a drink."

G:  "No, no, Xena-- no dribble cups today.  Ha-ha-ha-ha."

X:  "Suit yourself.  Tell you what-- you look after this-- and I'll go rustle us up some food."

G:  "Xena could have taken her bag with her.  Why would she want me to hold the helmet of Hermes-- huh?"

Aph:  "Oh, it's not.  This is the helmet of Hermes."

Gen:  "Xena switched bags with us back at the marketplace."

G:  "Did she say why?"

Aph:  "Nope.  Just told us to hold it."

G:  "Oh-- really?  Hm-m."

G:  "Hi, Xena.  I'm still sitting here, just-- watching your bag."

X:  "Yeah, thanks."

G:  "Hm-m."

X:  "Where are the other two?"

G:  "They went to freshen up."

X:  "We gotta keep an eye on Geniah.  Someone was following us back at the marketplace."

G:  "The zealots?"

X:  "Possibly.  They'll be desperate to get her back."

Fer [Yells]:  "Xena!"

X:  "Feragus."

Fer:  "So-- you remember me.  Must have made quite-- an impression."

X:  "It's on your belt buckle."

Fer:  "Oh.  Huh?  I want-- that-- bag."

X:  "It's not for sale."

Fer:  "Who said anything about-- paying for it?"

X:  "Oh, you'll pay."

[Fight]

Warrior:  "Give me that!  Give it!"

G:  "Get your hands off my bag!"

X:  "Aphrodite!  Get Geniah out of here!  And take the bag with ya!"

Aph:  "Duh-- like I'd leave behind a new handbag."

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Gen:  "You-- you _are_ a goddess!"

Aph [Giggles]:  "Well, welcome to the party, Miss Fashionably Late.  What took you so long?"

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[Fight]

G:  "Give it back!"

A Warrior:  "Gotcha!"

G:  "Get off my bag."

G:  "A-h-h-h-h-h!"

Fer:  [Laughs]

Warrior:  "Yah!  Here."

X:  "Thanks."

G:  "Xena-- we have to go after Feragus.  He has the helmet."

X:  "No, Aphrodite's got it.  We switched bags in the marketplace."

G:  "I switched them back."

X:  "What?"

G:  "I thought you were trying to get something over on me, Xena."

X:  "I asked for that."

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[ACT III]

G:  "U- unless-- you _knew_ that I would be suspicious and so _you_ switched the bags.  I'm not close at all, huh?"

X:  "Aphrodite!"

Aph [Giggles]:  "For future reference, I'm not mighty Aphrodite.  My new disciple thought it up."

G:  "Your new what?"

Gen [Giggles]:  "You were right, Xena-- it was foolish of me to devote my life to some unknown god.  From now on, I'm dedicating my life to Aphrodite."

G:  "That's not exactly what we had in mind."

X:  "But we'll fix that later.  Right now we've got some baggage to claim.  Come on."

Gen:  "So-- how can I worship the goddess of love if I've never even _experienced_ it?"

Aph:  "You're right, that does make you kind of a poser.  All right-- pick a guy-- any guy."

Gen:  "Mm-m-m.  [Sighs]  I'll take him."

Aph:  "Good girl, bad boy-- oh-- love a classic."

Gen:  [Giggles]

Fra:  "I love you."

Gen:  "And I love you."

Aph:  "Oh!  Love at first sight-- my specialty!"

Fra:  "Marry me?"

Gen:  "I thought you'd never ask."

Lag:  "That man's got our virgin!"

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Fer:  [Laughs]

X:  "What goes up-- must come down."

G:  "Since when do warlords get company?"

Fra:  "Father!  I want you to meet the most wonderful girl in the world!"

Gen [Giggles]:  "Geniah."

Fra:  "Geniah!"

Gen:  "Oh, we're in love."

Fer:  "Really?"

Fra [Interrupts]:  "We're engaged."

X and G:  "Aphrodite."

Aph:  "Down if front. I can't _see_ anything!"

X:  "What's the matter with you?"

G:  "You put a love spell on Geniah."

Aph:  "That I did.  And even as we speak, our sweet little virgin is falling-- madly in love with the cutest little son of a-- " [Gasps]

Fer:  "Oh, well, then-- "

Aph:  "-- warlord?!"

Fer:  "-- welcome, young lady-- to my humble-- abode.  What are you all standing around for?!"

Aph:  "OK, OK.  Just-- relax, you guys.  Calm down.  I can, uh-- I can take the spell off."

X:  "No.  No, you'll throw Geniah for a loop.  Just follow my lead."

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Fer:  "Frankus!"

"Anthrax" ["Ant"]:  "Hi.  Easy action there, fella.  We're about to be family.  Well, you must be Frankus!  My boy, good to know ya.  I'm Anthrax, and this is my wife, Spittooonia.  We just wanted to know what kind of a family our little girl was marrying herself into."

Fra:  "Geniah, your parents are here."

Gen:  "My parents?  But-- my parents are de-- "

"Spittoonia" ["Spi"]:  "-- dedicated to makin' sure that you have the best weddin' _ever_, Pookie."

"Ant":  "That's right."

"Spi":  "Oh, look at these two.  Like son, like father.  Am I right?  Aren't weddin's just the biggest drag to organize?"

"Ant":  "Which is why we brought along a little help."

"Belle" ["Bel"]:  "Belle-- "

Fer:  "Huh?"

"Bel":  "Of Belle's Bridal Barn.  'Cause I put the `ding' in `wedding.'"

"Ant":  "Yes, you do, Sister."

"Bel":  "Now, we should start by selecting the cover scheme.  [Gasps]  Corinthian white!  Oh, exquisite selection.  And now, about the outfits."

Gen:  "Shouldn't I decide that?"

"Spi":  "Oh, Honey, let's leave that up to the experts, shall we, Pookie?"

"Ant":  "Belle, why don't you fix up these two fine fellas with some new duds while-- we go and have that _long_ overdue talk with Geniah about her conjugals?"

"Bel":  "Now, I see before my eyes-- harem pants."

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Gen:  "Aphrodite!

Aph:  "Sh-h-h-h-h-h!"

Gen:  "Where am I?"

"Ant":  "You're in Feragus' lair."

Gen:  "Xena?"

"Ant":  "Yeah."

Gen:  "What am I doing here?"

Aph:  "Remember?  I put a spell on you to make you fall in love with his son?"

Gen:  "Oh-h-h-- that's right.  I wanted to fully experience my goddess' power."

"Ant":  "Just like you wanted to kill yourself for a bloodthirsty god.  Geniah, you can't give up your life for every deity that comes along."

Aph:  "It's true, Sweet Pea.  We're not all we're cracked up to be."

Gen:  "Well-- how am I supposed to live my life with no one to lead me?"

"Ant":  "You gotta stop following.  Maybe you can be your own guide.  Geniah, haven't you ever felt happy just to be yourself?"

Gen:  "Yes-- these past few days with you and Gabrielle."

"Ant":  "Well, that's a start.  Now, we're gonna get you outta here."

Aph:  "Stay."

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Fer:  "I don't know.  It's a bit-- girlie."

"Bel":  "Oh, no, Honey-- not with those shoulders.  Now, for the final touch."

Fer:  "Huh!  The helmet stays."

"Bel":  [Sighs]

"Ant":  "So, I hear from Geniah that, uh, you're in the warlord business."

Fer:  "Uh-huh."

"Ant":  "That as dangerous as they say?"

Fer:  "And then some."

"Ant":  "Yeah?  You got any scars?"

Fer:  "Here-- this scar?  Guy took out my spleen!"

"Ant":  "Well, who needs a spleen?"

Fer:  "There-- guy got me with a short sword."

"Ant":  "Lucky it wasn't a long one."

Fer:  "You want scars.  Well, I'll give you scars.  Got this scar given to me by Xena-- the warrior princess herself!"

"Ant":  "Let me take a look at that.  [Aside]  I don't remember.  [Normal Voice]  Have to come to the light.  Oh, yeah.  Why, that Xena really is somethin'.  She nearly split ya open like a coconut.  You know what?  I think I better take my little girl outta  here.  It doesn't do for the bride to be exposed before the big day.  Plenty of time for that afterwards.  Know what I mean?"

Fer:  "Oh."  [Laughs]

"Bel" [Laughs]:  "Now, about my bill-- "

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Aph [Sighs]:  "OK-- I'm gonna put some distance between you and that warlord.  [Sighs]  That oughtta keep her out of trouble."

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Priest:  "That's her!"

Gen [Muffled]:  "Help!  Please!  Let me go!  No-o-o-o-o!"

Zar:  "Thy will-- be done."

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[ACT IV]

X:  "OK, where's the bag."

Aph:  "Geniah has it."

X:  "Where's Geniah?"

Aph:  "Oh, I popped her back to the marketplace.  She might as well shop while she's waiting."

X:  "What?"

Aph:  "Oh-- don't thank me.  Just doin' the god thing."

X:  "Aphrodite, the zealots are looking for her there!"

Aph:  "Huh?"

G:  "Robe-- altar-- human sacrifice."

Aph:  "That was a true story?"

X:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

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Fer:  "Dumpty-dumpty-dumpty-do.  [Laughs]  Wait a minute.  Huh?  Wha-- ?  Huh?  No!  Oh!  Oh!  No-o-o-o-o!  I knew that Anthrax looked familiar.  Xena-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!  Worming her way into my lair!  Stealing my helmet!  I'll kill  he-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-er!"

Fra:  "Ooh!"

Zar:  "Perhaps, I could be of some assistance."

Fer [Growls]:  "Where's-- the helmet?"

Zar:  "Oh, you can have it back, if we can make a deal."

Fer:  "I'm listening."

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Aph:  "There's no sign of Geniah anywhere."

G:  "This is my fault."

Aph:  "No!  It's my fault!  I cast a spell on her."

G:  "Yeah, but I switched the bags.  If I hadn't been so suspicious at the tavern, this wouldn't have happened."

X:  "Gabrielle!"

G:  "What'd you find?"

Aph [Gasps]:  "She's been sacrificed!"

X:  "Maybe not yet.  There's a zealot temple two miles down the road.  I'm guessing they'd wanna do it there."

Aph:  "OK-- so what  I can do to help?  I can cast a spell."

X:  "Uh."

G:  "Uh."

Aph:  "Or maybe not."

X:  "Actually, Aphrodite-- there _is_ something you can do."

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Zar:  "Almighty master-- we ask you one more time-- take this vrigin sacrifice-- and protect us from our enemies!"

X:  "Zarat!"

Zar's Voice:  "Xena!  Haven't you ever heard of-- "

Zar:  "-- religious freedom?"

X:  "Freedom has nothing to do with sacrificing Geniah, or anyone else-- and neither has religion.  This ends here."

Zar:  "We'll see."

X:  "Stay out of this, Feragus!  I'll deal with you later."

Fer:  "I don`t think so.  You see?  In exchange for the helmet, I promised Zarat here-- I'd take you out of the picture."

G:  "Well, since when do warlords keep their promises?"

Fer:  "Since I wanted to kick your butt anyway!"

[Fight]

Fer [Laughs]:  "What's the matter, Xena?  Losing your touch?"

X:  "Touch this!"

X:  "Thank you!  Gabrielle, catch!"

X:  "OK.  Gabrielle!"

Zar:  "Up here.  You may have stopped this sacrifice, Xena, but that's all!  I will find other followers.  Perhaps my next tribe-- will offer their sacrifices-- to me.  No-no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

X:  "Or not."

Lag:  "Oo-o-o-o-oh."

Gen:  "What happened?  He was wearing the helmet."

X:  "He was wearing _a_ helmet."

G:  "Xena had me switch the helmets-- just in case."

Gen:  "So-- where's the helmet of Hermes?"

Aph:  "Right here, Sweet Pea."  [Giggles]

Gen:  "I can't believe I was gonna give my _life_ away to them."

Fra:  "Geniah.  Geniah!  I was afraid I'd be too late."

Gen:  "Frankus-- I'm sorry, but-- we can't be together."

Fra:  "It's 'cause of the old man, isn't it?"

Gen:  "No-- Xena's shown me that I can't live my life following others.  I have to be my own person-- and chase my own dreams.  We can still be friends.  Xena-- you and Gabrielle are gonna have to go along without me."

X:  "Oh, you're sure?"

Gen:  "Before we met-- I thought the best thing I could do with my life was throw it away.  But now I found something worth living for."

X:  "What?"

Gen:  "I'm turning the convent into a shelter for those in need."

X:  "Well, that is great."

G:  "Good for you."

Gen:  "Oh, I almost forgot-- happy birthday."

X:  "Speaking of which-- we have got a show to catch.  Bye-bye."

Aph:  "Have fun, you two.  So-- friends?  I can work with that.  Some of my best friends are friends.  But-- we-- need to rethink the whole retro-sacrificial thing."

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X:  "I'm really sorry, Gabrielle.  I didn't realize Sappho was only here for one performance."

G:  "It's the thought that counts, Xena-- although I would like to hear her read her poetry one day.  You know-- how did you fall for my fish-guts gag?"

X:  "I don't know."

G:  "You knew that I would go crazy waiting for you to get even.  Xena-- didn't see it coming."

X:  "Nor that.  Now, we're even."

G:  [Laughs]

X:  "Here, give me that.  I want you to close your eyes."

G:  "No."

X [Laughing]:  "Trust me, please."

G [Laughing]:  "No."

X:  "Close your eyes."

G:  "What is this?"

X:  "Open it.  I had Sappho jot somethin' down for ya."

G:  "A poem?  Sappho wrote a poem for me.  I don't believe it.  Xena-- you had this planned all along, didn't you?

There's a moment when I look at you
And no speech is left in me.
My tongue breaks.
Then fire races under my skin and I tremble.
And grow pale for I am dying of such love
Or so it seems to me.

[Laughs]  It's beautiful.  This is the best birthday present I have ever had."

X:  "Aw-w-w-w.  'Course, it ain't over yet.  Happy birthday, Gabrielle!"

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