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EYE OF THE BEHOLDER



“Eye_of_the_Beholder”  Episode 02/102

[TEASER]

Women:  “There he is!  Come on, girls!”  “Get him!”  “He’s
mi-i-i-ne!”  “Hold him!”  “I’ll get him!”  “Heyyyyy,
Herc-boyyyyy[?]!”  “Hurry!”  “Come back!”

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Innkeeper:  “Thanks, Darlin’.  Yeah, well, compared to what I
usually hear around this dump, you got no problems.”

H:  “Yeah, but King Thespius wants every _one_ of them to have a
child by me.”
 
Innkeeper:  “Yeah, how many daugthers does the old boy got?”

H:  “Fifty.”

Innkeeper:  “Ho-ho-ha-ha!  No problem!  You’ll take care of ‘em
easy!”

H:  “Hmm.  Sorry.  I’m a one-woman man.”

Innkeeper:  “Let me fix you some eggs.  That’ll put lead in
your-- ”

Androcles:  “Hey, Hercules!  What’re you gonna do about that
Cyclops in Trachas, huh?”

Innkeeper:  “Ah, give him some room, Androcles.  The guy had a
run-in with a lion a while back.  He’s been a wet-brain ever
since.”

H:  “No, it’s all right.  Let him talk.”

Androcles:  “Yeah, let me talk.  This Cyclops has been chasing
people out of  their homes-- hurtin’ them, too.  All to protect
Hera’s sacred vineyards.”

H:  “Hera.  Is what he’s saying true?”

Innkeeper:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Then I, uh-- better go see for myself.”

Innkeeper:  “What about those fifty sisters?”

H:  “Oh, it’ll be a lot easier to deal with one cyclops.”

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Salmoneus [Sal]:  [Whistles]

Cyclops:  “Far enough, little man.”

Sal:  “O-K.  B-b-but I’m just a, ah-- a-a pumble heddler-- a-a
humble peddl-- I’m on my way to Trachas.”

Cyclops:  “_Not_ through the vineyard!”

Sal:  “But there’s no other way.”

Cyclops:  “Yes, there i-i-is.”

Sal:  “Ah-ah-ah-ah!  Don’t wrinkle the material!  Nooooooooo!”

Cyclops:  [Laughs]

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[ACT I]

Sal:  [Moans]

H:  “Hello.”

Sal:  “All right!  I admit it.  I look like a stuffed owl.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Now, could you just-- get me down?  Ahhh!  Ooh!”

H:  “Are-- you all right?”

Sal:  “I just fell out of a tree-- and landed on my nose.  What
do you think?!”

H:  “But you are going to live?”

Sal:  “It’s too early to tell.  It feels like I got a lotta loose
body parts.  And you never know about internal bleeding.”

H:  “How’d you get up there, anyway?”

Sal:  “Some lunatic Cyclops kicked me in the rear and sent me
flying!  You gonna help me up or not?”

H:  “Oh-- sorry.  This-- Cyclops-- do you know where I can find
him?”

Sal:  “You a friend of his?”

H:  “No, but I’m planning on looking him up.”

Sal:  “Do tell!  Who do you think you are-- Hercules?”

H:  “Well, as a-- matter of-- ”

Sal:  “Wait a minute!  Wait a minute!  It _is_ you!  I should
have recognized ya!  I’m Salmoneus, the travelling toga salesman.
Ha-ha-ha!  I can’t wait to see this.”

H:  “See what?”

Sal:  “See you put your _fist_ in that big freak’s eye.”

H:  “What I do isn’t a spectator sport.”

Sal:  “Oh?  Then how about this?  You take me along-- and I make
ya a sweet deal on a new toga.”

H:  “What’s a toga?”

Sal:  “‘What’s a toga?’  My boy-- fashion is passing you by.
I’ll explain it on the way.  Come on.”

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Volus:  “This is a fool’s mission, Atreus.”

Atreus:  “Not if we get this river back on its course.  Now, come
on, you two-- put your shoulders to this thing!”

Volus:  “It’s him.”

Atreus:  “Keep pushin’ here!”

Volus:  “I didn’t come out here to die.”

Evander:  “Volus, you coward!  I’m gonna stomp you when I get
back-- and I’m gonna make your wife and kids watch!”

Atreus:  “Use your anger on this rock.”

Cyclops’ Voice:  “Get away from my river!”

Cyclops:  “Or would you rather die?!”

Evander:  “You’re not gonna kill me, you one-eyed freak!”

Atreus:  “Are you crazy?!  Let’s get outta here!”

Cyclops:  “Yeah!  Go back with the rest of the women!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Evander:  “One-eyed son-of-a-- ”

Atreus:  “Don’t, Evander!”

Cyclops:  “That’s the boy.  Come and get it.  You want some,
too?!”

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Sal:  “OK, now here’s what I could do.  I could call one of my
togas, the ‘Hercules  Deluxe-ees’-- huh?!  Just tell me which
ones you wanna buy.”

H:  “I don’t wanna buy any of them.”

Sal:  “Oh, you want something for nothing, huh?”

H:  “That’s not what I mean.”

Sal:  “No, what you mean is, you don’t care about your image.
But you better start, my friend, ‘cause the public is fickle.
All right-- tell you what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna give you your
own line of togas-- cut you in for a piceof the action--huh,
huh?!  And here’s the advertising slogan.  ‘Hercules, the giant
killer-- takes a giant step forward in fashion!’  Pretty snappy,
huh?!”

Atreus:  “Hey!  Hey!”

Sal:  “Ah, potential customers!”

H:  “What’s the trouble?”

Atreus:  “It’s the Cyclops.  He’s just killed one of our
villagers.”

Sal:  “Huh?”

H:  “Yeah, yeah.  Look, catch your breath.  He’s not following
you now.”

Volus:  “Ahh-- thanks.”

Atreus:  “It’s my fault we were out there.  Don’t make the same
mistake.”

Sal:  “The Cyclops isn’t gonna do anything to him.  He’s
Hercules!”

Atreus:  “Ah, Hercules or not, you could still die if you come to
Trachas.”

H:  “Tell me what happened.”

Volus:  “We wanted to get the river running in the direction it
used to run.”

Atreus:  “Ah, it’s the river we’ve always counted on for our
fish, and water for our crops.  But the Cyclops changed its
course so it would irrigate Hera’s vineyard.”

H:  “Look how green the land around here is.  There must be other
rivers.”

Atreus:  “Oh, no, they’re all too far away.  Hera wants the river
for herself, and to destroy us.  She cares only about _her_
grapes, and the wine that’ll be poured at the festival of the
believers.  And the Cyclops makes sure her wishes are carried
out.”

H:  “Not if I have anything to say about it.”

Atreus:  “You- you’d help us?  Are you serious?!”

H:  “When it comes to Hera-- I’m always serious.”

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Castor:  “Heard you worked up a bit of an appetite, today.”

Cyclops:  “Only fools challenge me.”

Castor:  “That’s right.  That’s why I have you on my side.  I’m
too smart to go up against you.”

Cyclops:  “Yeah-- to my face you are.”

Castor:  “Hey, I’m not like those _jackasses_ in Trachas!”

Cyclops:  “You better not be.”

Castor:  “Would you doubt me-- huh?  How could you do that?  I
pay you-- to vent your anger on people who have-- belittled you
all your life!  No one-- has ever been as good to you as I have.”

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Sal’s Voice:  “Listen, Hercules, I can handle the whole thing.
See-- you’ll be the silent partner.  I’ll do the talking for both
of us.  You just lend me your name, and, uh-- [Chuckles] I
collect the money.  Of course, as the brains _behind_ the deal,
I’ll need the bigger share.  Let’s say, uh-- 70-30?  Does that
sound good?”

Sal:  “Excuse me.  We’re conducting business, here.  Thank you
very much.  I mean, I’d risk the exposure.  I’m parched.  I’ll be
right back.  Thanks.”

Atreus:  “Well, you’re the first sign of hope any of us has seen
in a long, long time.”

H:  “You should still postpone the celebration until you see how
I do with the Cyclops.”

Atreus:  “Well, there’s no one in this village who believes it’s
possibe for you to fail.  Huh?  Huh?”

Man:  “Greetings, Hercules.”

Sal:  “Ha-ha!  What a splendid gathering, huh?”

H:  “Yes-- wonderful.  I’d rather fight monsters.”

Sal:  “Come on!  Ya love it!  Ya know you do.”

Man’s Voice:  “So, is this your lovely-- ?”

Woman:  “Hey!  [Zoomen?]!  We’re looking for Hercules.”

Sal:  “Huh?”

Women’s Voices:  “Have you seen-- ?”  “-- want him.”  “Uh.”

H:  “I’ll explain later.”

Voices:  “He should be here.”  “-- we can find him.”

Woman:  “Has anybody seen him?”

Man’s Voice:  “This may be our lucky night.”

Women’s Voices:  “He must be around here.”  “You must have seen
him.”

Sal:  “Uh-- I have.  He’s on the road-- to Athens.”

Women’s Voices:  “Oh!”

Woman:  “Are you sure?  Athens is a long way from here.”

Sal:  “Then you better hurry if you wanna catch up to him, my
flower.”

Sal’s Voice:  “But before you go-- ”

Sal:  “I have just the thing for you girls while you’re
travelling.  It’s called-- the toga!”

Sal’s Voice:  “Wear it, and you’ll be on the cutting edge of
fashion.  Everyone in Athens has them, and nobody would be caught
dead at the arena without one!”

Scylla:  “I thought you were leaving.”

Sal’s Voice [Continues in background]:  “-- except the guys
getting fed to the lions, of course-- ”

H:  “Yeah-- right.”

Sal’s Voice:  “-- bu-but, when the going gets hot and heavy-- ”

H:  “Excuse me.”

Sal’s Voice:  “-- believe me, young ladies, you’ll need one of
these little items.  Lightweight, comfortable, and get this-- you
slip it off your shoulder-- and it’s [wonderful?] for evening
wear.”

H:  “Hi.”

Sal’s Voice:  “Drop the hem over your knee, and you can go to
work.  Huh?  Whaddya say, fair maidens?”

Sal:  “Wouldn’t you like a toga or three in your wardrobe?  Hmm?
Yes?”

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Scylla:  [Hums]

Cyclops:  “What are you doing here?!”

Scylla:  “I’m not bothering you.”

Cyclops:  “Yes, you are!”

Scylla:  “The river is yours-- the vineyard, too.  Can’t you let
us have anything?!”

Cyclops:  “Uh-- no!”

Scylla:  “Why?”

Cyclops:  “Get outta here!”

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Woman’s Voice:  “Over here.”

Sal’s Voice:  “Hercules!  You sly dog!”

H [Yawns]:  “No.”

Sal:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  The daughters of King _Thespius_, huh?
You, sir-- truly are the strongest man in the world, if you can,
uh-- hmm!  Hold fifty hearts in sway at once.”

H:  “All they want is my body.”

Sal:  “Ha-ha!  I know the feeling.”

Atreus:  “Hey!  Now the Cyclops is attacking our women!  Go
ahead, Scylla, you tell him.”

Scylla:  “Well, he didn’t _attack_ me, exactly.  But he did chase
me away.  And I wasn’t anywhere near Hera’s precious vineyard.  I
just wanted these.”

Sal:  “Further proof that that Cyclops is a lout.”

H:  “Yeah.  Uh-- did he have a weapon?”

Challenger:  “Why don’t you go up to his lair, and find out for
yourself?  Or are you afraid?”

H:  “Don’t-- mind the interruption.”

Scylla:  “Oh-- no-- he didn’t have a weapon.”

H:  “Thank you.  Now, is-- is there a problem?”

Challenger:  “Yeah-- your manhood-- you wouldn’t even stand up to
those women last night.”

H:  “Oh-- I see.  So, I guess that-- makes me a coward then,
right?”

Challenger:  “Right.”

H:  “Right.  Atreus, can you tell me where I-- ?”

Challenger’s Voice:  “Now, it’s your turn.  First man off his
feet loses.”

Challenger:  “If it’s you-- I’m gonna find those women and feed
you to them.”

Sal:  “Go on, Hercules-- dent his head.”

H:  “Look-- I’m-- I’m not gonna play your game.”

Challenger:  “Yes, you are.”

Sal [Laughs]:  “Ah-- I should have sold tickets.”

H:  “Give me your hand.”

Challenger:  “Next one’s for you, Scylla.”

Scylla:  “I’d tell you not to hurt your head-- if I thought there
was anything in it.”

H:  “I really-- don’t have time for this nonsense.”

Sal:  “Ah, Hercules-- wrong way.”

H:  “Oh, right.”

Sal:  “Yeah.”

H:  “I knew that.”

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[ACT II]

Scylla:  “Shouldn’t you rest-- before you go up against the
Cyclops?”

H:  “Don’t worry-- I’m, a-- at my best when I can’t see what I’m
doing.”

Scylla:  “You’re not going to defeat him with jokes.”

H:  “I know.”

Scylla:  “You do have a plan, don’t you?”

H:  “I’ve never even seen this thing.  I-- don’t know what I’m
gonna do.”

Scylla:  “It’s just that so many of the villagers have been lost
to the Cyclops.  And I don’t want you to be the next one.”

H:  “This isn’t where I intend to die.”

Scylla:  “Well, none of the others did, either.”

H:  “You know-- if you’re gonna tell me anything-- I wish it was,
‘Good luck.’”

Scylla:  “Well, in that case-- good luck.”

H:  “Thank you.”

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Slavedriver:  “Get a move on, slave, or you’ll feel my lash.”

Castor:  “Take a good look.  This is the wine that Hera’s chosen
people will drink-- at the festival of the believers.”

Crony:  “Do those slaves ever have trouble with their feet?  You
know-- diseases-- open sores?”

Castor:  “Ah, shut up!”

Crony:  “Hey, I was just talking.  If they got lousy feet, they
might as well be spitting in the stuff.”

Castor:  “You tell me why you’re here-- or I’ll slap your face--
to the back of your head!”

Crony:  “Hercules is coming.”
 
Castor:  “You expect me to believe that.”

Crony:  “Hey, it’s true.  I saw him with my own eyes-- last night
in Trachas.”

Castor:  “Well-- then he’s dead meat.”  [They laugh.]

Crony:  “Hey-- what’s so funny?”

Castor:  “Everything’s funny, you idiot!  Hercules is here-- just
in time for Hera’s festival.  And when the Cyclops gets through
with him-- his head-- will make an excellent decoration for the
main table.”  [They laugh.]

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Sal:  “Whoa-whoa!  It’s me!  It’s me!  Nice reflexes!”

H:  “Salmoneus, what are you doing here?”

Sal:  “I wanna see you do cruel and unusual things to that
monster.”

H:  “I thought you had togas to sell.”

Sal:  “First things first.”

H:  “You really shouldn’t hold a grudge.”

Sal:  “Don’t be so preachy!  Waaah!  You’d feel just like I do,
if you were in my sandals.”

H:  “Maybe so, but I still want you and your sandals to turn
around and go back to Trachas.”

Sal:  “By myself?!  Uh-uh!  The cyclops could get me-- or a wild
beast could turn me into lunch.  Or the tax collector might
repossess my toga.  OK-- so, can I come with ya?”

H:  “Yes-- but, you’re on your own-- if things get ugly with this
creature.”

H:  “You’re kidding, right?  I mean-- uh-huh-- you’re Hercules!
It’d be really bad for you image!  Wait!”

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Castor:  “Company’s coming.”

Cyclops:  “Who do you want me to hurt, now?”

Castor:  “Hercules.”

Cyclops:  “He’s here?”

Castor:  “And he’s looking for you.”

Cyclops:  “They say there’s nobody stronger.”

Castor:  “Who says that-- huh?  Whoever said that’s never gone
sideways with you.  You’re unbeatable.  You’re a force for the
good of Hera.  You’re-- what’s that?”

Cyclops:  “I found it.”

Castor:  “What are you doing with a girl’s scarf?  You got a
girlfriend-- huh?”

Cyclops:  “No!”

Castor:  “Come on-- you can tell me.  You’re getting a bit on the
sly, aren’t ya?  Huh?  Well-- who’s the lucky girl, then?  A
blind concubine?”

Cyclops:  “Shut up!  I don’t have a girlfriend!”

Castor:  “Now, _that’s_ how I like to see ya!  Nice-- and
hostile!  Yes, you can go back to moonin’ around all your life!
After you’ve _chopped_ Hercules into-- _tiny_ little pieces and
_scattered_ them to the four corners of the earth!”

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Sal:  “What’re you gonna do to him?!  Tell me what you’re gonna
do to him!  You gonna twist his-- see, if I were you-- ”

H:  “The Cyclops would probably die laughing, and you’d be a
hero.  Now, pipe down.”

Sal:  “Oh, I see.  You don’t want him to know that we’re coming,
huh?  The element of surprise.”

H:  “Sh!”

Sal:  “Ladies!  Come to buy those togas, eh?”

A Woman’s Voice:  “Oh, no!”

Woman:  “Swine!”

H:  “Run.”

Woman:  “Come on, girls!”

Women’s Voices:  “He’s ours!”  “Be careful!”  “Don’t let him get
away!”  “Get him, girls!”  “Help!”

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Sal:  “I can’t do it!  I can’t go on!”

H:  “Don’t worry!  They won’t hurt you!”

Sal:  “Ya promise?!”

Woman:  “Where’s he going?!”

Sal:  “Beats me.”

Woman:  “Bad choice of words for a liar.”

Sal:  “Wh-wh-when did I ever lie to you?!”

Woman:  “You’ve got a very short memory.  OK, girls-- the
treatment.”

Woman’s Voice:  “Come on.”

Sal:  “Hey, wa-wait; wait, wait, wait.  Wait a-- whoa, whoa-whoa.
Hey!  Hey, be careful!  No!  Hey!  Whoa!  No!  Hey!  Oh!  Oh!
Ahh!  OK!  You can look, but don’t touch!”

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Castor:  “Hera, it is I-- Castor-- the faithful.  I come before
you-- bearing a gift-- in the form of a promise.  Hercules-- your
treacherous stepson-- is about to die-- just as you have desired
for so long.  My Cyclops will see to it, personally.  He will
bring me the head of Hercules-- and I will-- ”

Executioner:  “You’ll do anything Hera tells you to-- Castor.”

Castor:  “What are you doing here?”

Executioner:  “Oh, I’m just making sure this Hercules isn’t too
much for you to handle.”

Castor:  “Did Hera send you?”

Executioner:  “Stepmother’s intuition.”  [Laughs]

Castor:  “Everything will be all right.  Everything will be all
right.  The Cyclops will-- will rip out one of Hercules’ arms
and, and-- beat him to death with it.”

Executioner:  “Nice thought.  But if your walking eyeball doesn’t
deliver-- I’ve got another solution.”

Castor:  “No-- not the executioners.”

Executioner:  “No-- you don’t get a vote.”

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H:  “Let me guess-- you’re the Cyclops.”

Cyclops:  “Take a good look-- because I’m the last thing you’re
ever gonna see.”  [Laughs]

H:  “That’s what they all say.”

Cyclops:  “Stand still!”

H:  “Why don’t I help you move.”

Cyclops:  “Hey!  Ooh!  I knew ya weren’t gonna go easy!”

H:  “Tired yet?”

Cyclops:  “Hey, where’d ya go?  Just kill me and get it over
with.”

H:  “I think I’d rather find out why you’re always in such a
rotten mood.”

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[ACT III]

Cyclops:  “Go ahead.  Drinks should always be on the loser.
[Laughs]  It’s from the water I guard.”

H:  “Now, I understand why the villagers want their river back.”

Cyclops:  “It’s not their river.”

H:  “They got there before Hera did.  Diverting it was a crime.”

Cyclops:  “I’d like it better if you’d say I-- stole it from
those gutless wonders in Trachas.”

H:  “Why do hate them so much?”

Cyclops:  “Because they hated me first!  It started when I was a
boy:  ‘Geek; Freak; Monster.’  I heard it all.  Admit it-- you
were thinking the same thing when you came after me.”

H:  “Yeah-- I was.”

Cyclops:  “You get tired of it after a while.”

H:  “But-- ‘tired’ isn’t a reason to work for Hera.  Loyalty
doesn’t mean anything to her.  All she cares about is her wine.”

Cyclops:  “I don’t work for Hera.  I work for Castor-- the man in
charge of the vineyard.  He’s the only one who ever treated me
halfway decent.”

H:  “And that ended when you didn’t kill me-- and you know it.”

Cyclops:  “If you want me to fight for the villagers, forget it!
They don’t care about me-- why should I care about them?”

H:  “Because, now Hera’s gonna hate you as much as she hates the
villagers.”

Cyclops:  “Well-- then I guess we’re all outta luck.”
 
H:  “Not if you give each other a chance.”

Cyclops:  “Pssh!  That’s what you think.”

H:  “You’re the one who has to do the thinking.”

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H:  “Salmoneus?”

Sal:  “‘Don’t worry,’ he says.  ‘They won’t hurt you,’ he says.”

H:  “Well-- well, did they?”

Sal:  “Look at me!  You think I’m dressed like a tree ‘cause I
wanna be?!  If I’m not careful, I’ll be attracting woodpeckers!”

H:  “But, you’re not hurt.”

Sal:  “Noooo.”

H:  “Good-- because, you [Starts to laugh] look ridiculous.”

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Sal:  “Hey!  Hey!  The next time those crazy women come along--
I’m gonna serve you to them on a silver platter.  By the way,
how’d you do with the Cyclops?”

H:  “Not bad.”

Sal:  “Did you beat him?”

H:  “That’s one way of putting it.”

Sal:  “Hah?!  Hah?!  You’re being modest!  You’re being modest,
right?!  You slammed into him!  You went, ‘Bang!’  Whoops!
Whoops!  Ha-ha.  Whoa!”

H:  “Come on, nature boy.  Let’s find you some clothes.”

Sal:  “I wanna hear all the gory details!”

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Castor:  “I don’t wanna hear any more!”

Crony:  “There’s no more to tell.  Hercules defeated the freak--
end of story.”

Castor:  “Cyclops quit on me.”

Crony:  “Huh?”
 
Castor:  “He just-- rolled over and played dead--  and after all
I’ve done for him.  That overgrown eyeball!”

Crony:  “I don’t know nothin’ about that!”

Castor:  “You don’t care either, do ya-- rodent?  You just want
the dinars that I owe ya-- and then the wolves can start eating
me alive!”

Crony:  “Wolves?”

Castor:  “Well, think about it on your way out, you imbecile!
This is gonna be a big enough mess without having you around.”

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Sal’s Voice:  “Then Hercules hits him with three lefts in a row--
”

Sal:  “Pow, pow, pow!  Faster than a chicken pecking at a kernel
of corn.  And before the Cyclops knows what’s happening to him--
Hercules unleashes his mighty right hand-- kablooey!  Hits the
Cyclops so far in the air-- that Hercules _goes_ underneath and
catches him.  And then-- [Continues talking in the background]”

Atreus:  “Your friend, the toga salesman’s a lucky man-- seeing
all that.”

H:  “Yeah-- he’s talking about things even I don’t remember.”

Atreus:  “Ha-ha-- whatever.  Now we can get our lives back to
normal, now the Cyclops is dead.”

H:  “Ah-- he isn’t dead.”

Atreus:  “But-- you were supposed to kill him!”

H:  “No-- I was supposed to stop him from ruining your lives.  I
never intended to kill him.”

Atreus:  “Well, you should have.”

H:  “Look-- there’s no fight left in him.  There might not have
been any to start with, if people hadn’t always treated him like
an outcast.”

Atreus:  “Is that what that freak told you?”

Scylla:  “Listen to yourself, Atreus.  You’re answering your own
question.”

Atreus:  “You keep out of this.”

Scylla:  “I will not.  I know what you and your friends put the
Cyclops through when he was a boy.”

Atreus:  “We were protecting you and every other female in the
village, you ungrateful wench!”

H:  “Why don’t you worry about your river, instead of calling the
lady names?”

Atreus:  “Ah-- what good would it do?  Once you’re gone-- the
Cyclops will be back terrorzing us.”

Scylla:  “If you weren’t such an ass, maybe Hercules would stay
and help.”

H:  “Well, maybe I’ll stay and help, anyway.”

Scylla:  “You mean it?”

H:  “Yes.  I like the idea of Hera’s grapes dying on the vine.”

Atreus:  “Everybody!  We start puttin’ the river back on course,
tomorrow!”

[Cheer]

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Woman’s Voice:  “I’ll sell you those-- ”

Sal:  “Woke up alone again, didn’t’cha?  I’m surprised the fair
Scylla hasn’t taken care of that problem.”

H:  “That’s not what I’m here for, Salmoneus.”

Sal:  “All work and no play-- ”

H:  “-- means I don’t leave with a guilty conscience.”

Sal:  “Ah, well-- ya probably wouldn’t have had time for her,
anyway.  Ha-ha-ha.”

Woman:  “I’ve got a sporting proposition for you, Hercules.”

H:  “You set this up, didn’t you?”

Sal:  “They only released me when I promised.  Now, just listen,
will ya?”

H:  “No, no--  it’s my turn, all right?  Now ladies-- no matter
what you think, I’m not opposed-- to pretty women.  And-- I’m not
opposed to having children, but-- if I’m going to become a father
again-- the mother will be someone that I love.  And I-- I don’t
_love_ any of you.  I mean, I like to look at you, and I-I-- I--
might even-- like to talk to you, if I didn’t feel like I was
always the fox, and you were the hounds, but-- that’s as far as
my interest goes.  I hope ya understand.  I hope King Thespius
understands.  Now-- if you’ll excuse me, I’ve-- I’ve got some
people to help.”

Women’s Voices:  “Oh-- that is so beautiful.”  “He’s not like
other men.”  “He’s so sensitive.”

Woman:  “So, that’s why Dad wanted us to have his children.”

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Castor:  “You’re bigger than Hercules!  You’re tougher!  You’re
meaner!  And still you lost!  How could you do that to me?!”

Cyclops:  “To you?  I’m the one he beat.”

Castor:  “Yeah?  Well, how come you’re not dead?”

Cyclops:  “Would that make it better?”

Castor:  “You’re on his side now, aren’t you?”

Cyclops:  “I haven’t decided.”

Castor:  “Ooh-- you think you’re _so_ smart.  ‘I haven’t
decided.’  Hera has let her executioners loose!  They’re going to
kill _everybody_ that gets in their path!  Why don’t you-- think
about that for a minute, you idiot!”

Cyclops:  “Don’t call me an idiot!”

Castor:  “Is that all you can say?!  Why don’t you just use that
big eyeball of yours for a minute and-- and take a look around!
You’re doomed!”

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-------------------------------

Executioner:  [Laughs]

Castor:  “I didn’t think you’d be here so soon.  You sure you
want me to come along?”

Executioner [Laughs]:  “You make a good point.  [Kills Castor]  I
want Hercules-- and I want him dead!  Go!”  [All cheer.]

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-------------------------------

Atreus:  “Come on, everybody.  Let’s get this cleared!”

H:  “You just gonna stand there?”

Sal:  “I refuse to compromise my integrity with physical toil.”

Scylla:  “Well, then I’m not interested in buying any of your
togas.”

Sal:  “You want-- ?  All right.”

Scylla:  “You need some help?”

H:  “Yeah.  Thanks.  Embarrassed?”

Men’s Voices:  “Let’s give Hercules a hand!”  “Come on, if we all
do this, it’ll work!”  “Right!”  “Get your hands down!”

H:  “OK.”

Man’s Voice:  “And get your backs into it!”

Sal:  “All right.”

Men’s Voices:  “Push!  Almost got it?!”  “Just a little more.”
“Come on, all together!”

H:  “Oh, look who’s here.  Better late than never.”

Sal:  [Laughs sarcastically]

Men’s Voices:  “Heave!”  “Hey!”  “Hey!  We did it!”  We helped!”
“We’ve done it!”

Sal’s Voice:  “I helped!  The first labor I’ve ever done!”

Cyclops:  “Hmmmm.”

Atreus:  “Well, you’ve set a good example.  But there’s months of
work here.  I hope these people realize that.”

Scylla:  “If they were afraid of challenges, they would’ve run
off by now.”

Atreus:  “How about you, Hercules?  You going back on the road?”

H:  “Sooner or later-- I always do.”

Atreus:  “Oh, that’s a shame.  We could use someone like you-- ” 

Woman’s Voice:  [Screams]

Challenger:  “Go back where ya came from!”

Cyclops:  “I’m not here to hurt you!”

Challenger:  “Freak!”

Scylla:  “Don’t!”

H:  “Give him a chance!”

Man’s Voice:  “He never gave us one!”

Scylla:  “Well, stop it!  Stop and listen to Hercules!”

Atreus:  “Hercules is not one of us!”

H:  “No!  Come back!”

Man’s Voice:  “And don’t come back!”

Scylla:  “You fools.  Wait!”

Atreus:  “Don’t!  You’re crazy!”

Man’s Voice:  “Don’t go!  Don’t go, Scylla!”

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-------------------------------

[ACT IV]

H:  “She’ll be fine.  Don’t worry.  The Cyclops won’t hurt her.”

Atreus:  “If that monster kills Scylla, her blood’ll be on your
hands!”

Challenger:  “Yeah, you’re the one who let the Cyclops live.”

H:  “He wasn’t here to hurt anybody.”

Atreus:  “How can you say that?!  You fought him, for cryin’ out
loud!”

H:  “Because I know who put the evil in him.  You.  And you.  All
of you.”

Men’s Voices:  “Wait a second.”  “How can he accuse us?”

H:  “All of you put the evil in him.”

Challenger:  “You’ve got your nerve-- standing there judging us,
while the Cyclops is-- probably off, having his way with Scylla.”

H:  “She’s better off with him than she would be with you.”

Challenger:  “Oh, my hand!”

Men’s Voices:  “Don’t hurt him, Hercules.”  “No, no, don’t hurt
him.”

H:  “Why don’t you sell them some togas, Salmoneus.  I’m going
after our friends.”

Man’s Voice:  “Your fault!”

Atreus:  “She better be alive!”

Man’s Voice:  “This is yours!”

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-------------------------------

Crony:  “Hey-- you’re the executioners, right?  Yeah.  Yeah.
Castor said you were coming.  Let me show you where Hercules is.”

Executioner:  “We don’t need you!”

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-------------------------------

Scylla:  “Are you all right?”

Cyclops:  “I’m tired.”

Scylla:  “I don’t doubt it-- after always being called names by
people-- always having people afraid of you.  I’m sorry.”

Cyclops:  “I know you are.  I-I could tell you were different the
day I-I saw you gathering flowers.  But you were still scared,
weren’t you?”

Scylla:  “Yes.”

Cyclops:  “Well, let me tell you something.  It’s not me you have
to be afraid of, anymore.  It’s Hera’s executioners.  They’re out
to destroy Hercules-- and the village.”

Scylla:  “You have to tell Hercules.”

H:  “Tell me what?”

Scylla’s:  “Hera’s executioners are coming.”

H:  “Well, then I better go say, ‘Hello.’”

Scylla:  “You can’t fight them by yourself.  I don’t care what
the myths say about you.”

H:  “You may find this hard to believe-- but-- some of those
myths are true.”

Cyclops:  “Does that mean you wouldn’t want my help?”

H:  “No.  It means I don’t ask for help.  But, I’m not an
unreasonable man.”

Cyclops:  “Good!  Because I’d like to pay Hera back for the way
she used me.  And-- I’d also like to show you both I-I appreciate
your treating me like something-- besides a monster.”

H:  “Then it sounds like we’re in this together.”

Scylla:  “Don’t forget about me.  I’m coming with ya.”

Cyclops:  “But you might get hurt.”

Scylla:  “I know.  But I could get hurt staying here, too.”

H:  “The lady’s right.”

Cyclops:  “Very well.  But promise you’ll be careful.”

Scylla:  “I promise.”

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-------------------------------

H:  “The executioners must’ve taken the long way here.”

Cyclops:  “It could’ve been a lie, too.  Castor was good at
lying.”

H:  “Let’s warn the villagers, anyway-- whether they deserve it
or not.”

Scylla:  “Are you sure they won’t just throw more rocks?”

H:  “I’m sure.  They don’t wanna hurt you.”

Scylla:  “I never thought you two would need my protection.  But
if that’s the way it is-- ”

[Executioners charge, and fight ensues.]

H:  “Very impressive.”

Volus:  “We should help them.”

Atreus:  “No, I won’t die helpin’ a freak-- or anyone who sides
with one-- even if it is Hercules.”

Challenger:  “Damn right.”

Sal:  “It would be better to die with him-- than to stay here
with eunuchs like you.”

Scylla:  “Behind you, Hercules!”

H:  “Thanks!”

Executioner:  “You come with me.”

Scylla:  “No!  Hercules!  Help!  Help!  Hercules!  Hercules!”

Atreus:  “To the village!”

Man’s Voice:  “He’s gonna try to hurt us.”

Volus:  “Hey, look!”

Cyclops:  “Oh, yeah!”

H:  “Ooh-- what a way to go.”

Man’s Voice:  “Hercules is beating them all.”

Cyclops:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Sal:  “Hercules!  I’m ready to fight!  He’s getting away!”

Cyclops:  “How can I help?!”

H:  “I’ll give you a boost.”

Sal:  “I’ll go to Scylla!”

Cyclops:  “Right!  Ow.”

[Villagers cheer.]

Atreus:  “Hercules-- Hercules, we owe you a debt of gratitude,
that can never be repaid.”

H:  “Yes, it can.  If you really want to repay me-- just be nice
to him.”

Atreus:  “Oh, but we’ve tried.  We’ve tried.”

Sal:  “Yes-- calling someone a monster always proves you’re his
friend.”  [Laughs]

Atreus:  “Why are we arguin’ about this, now?  This should be a
day of celebration.”

Scylla:  “You know?  This man helped Hercules do something for
you and me, today-- that you would never have done for him.”

Atreus:  “But how can we be sure he won’t cause more trouble
after Hercules leaves.”

Cyclops:  “If you let me live in peace I promise-- I’ll help you
do the same-- as long as you treat me-- with respect.”

H:  “You’re not going to get a better offer than that, Atreus.
I’d take him up on it if I was you.”

Atreus:  “All right.  We’ll give it a try-- huh?”  [Cheers]

A Woman’s Voice:  “Hurray!  Hercules!”

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-------------------------------

Sal:  “I can’t believe I didn’t make a single dinar on this
entire trip!  I mean, I thought somebody back there would buy a
toga!  Oh, well, I’m sure we’ll do better the next place we
stop.”

H:  “We?”

Sal:  “Can’t break up the team, now.  I’m naming a toga after
you, remember?”

H:  “But I told you, I don’t wear togas.”

Sal:  “Aah-- picky, picky.”

Woman’s Voice:  “There he is!”

H:  “I thought we settled this.”

Woman:  “No, not you, Hercules-- your little friend.”

H and Sal:  “You’re kidding!”

Woman:  “We have decided, he will do _just_ fine.”

Sal:  “Me?!  Yesss!”

A Woman’s Voice:  “Come on!”

H:  “What about that team we had?”

Sal:  “A man’s gotta do-- what a man’s gotta do!”

A Woman’s Voice:  “Right this way.”

Sal:  “Hello!  Hello!  [Laughs]  Let me take five at a time-- ”
  
H:  “Yeah-- right.”

Sal:  “-- out mathematically-- very nice-- thank you.”

H:  “Good luck.”

Sal:  “OK, can I look and touch?  [Laughs]  Oh, very nice-- OK.”

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