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“The Other Side” Episode 21/208 [TEASER] Falafel [Fal]: “Yo, traveller! Try something new!” H: “And what would that be?” Fal: “Food-- fast food-- for the hungry-- and the hurried.” H: “I am hungry, but I’m more-- interested in good food.” Fal: “Oh, give it a try. First bite is free.” H: “It’s awful. The bread-- tastes like chalk and the meat-- whatever it is-- is overcooked.” Fal: “But it’s fast!” H: “And so is road kill.” Fal: “Road kill? You mean, those little rodents that get run over by passing wagons?” H: “Yeah.” Fal: “Interesting! I thought you were hungry.” H: “I’m not _that_ hungry.” Fal: “Oh.” [Sniffs] H: “Wa-wa-wait. You’re gonna resell it?” Fal: “A shame to waste good food!” H: “Fast food. What d’ya call that thing?” Fal: “That. Same as my name.” H: “‘Full-awful.’” Fal: “Good name-- don’t you think?” H [Chuckles]: “It’s perfect.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Swineherd: “Spring is here, Sal. The gods have blessed us with another beautiful day.” Persephone [Per]: “Were you talking to me? You were talking to your little friends, weren’t you? May I? They’re so cute.” Swineherd: “And smart, too. You can train them like a dog.” Per: “Shouldn’t they be in pens?” Swineherd: “No. I don’t believe-- anything should be locked up.” Per: “Oh, that’s a beautiful thought.” Demeter [Dem]: “Persephone, what have I told you about talking to strangers?!” Per: “Oh, Mother, he’s harmless. He’s just a swineherder.” Swineherd: “Herding pigs is an important job.” Dem: “Typical mortal.” Swineherd: “Who are you talking to?” Dem: “Sounds just like your father. Believe me, the less you deal with them, the better off you are. What are you doing here, anyway?” Per: “Well, you made such a wonderful spring day, I’d thought I’d take advantage of it. Look at all the lovely wildflowers.” Dem: “No prettier than you, my dear. Oh, my. Look at that poor oak tree. I must tend to it.” Swineherd: “Gods above!” Hades: “Ha! Ha! Ya! Ha! Ya! Whoa!” Per: “Hades! No, Hades, no!” [Screams] Hades: “Ha!” Swineherd: “Phil?! Sal?!” Hades: “Come on! I’ve gotcha! Yah!” Per [Screaming]: “Noo!” Hades: “Yah! Yah!” [Screams] ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT I] H: “Demeter?” Dem: “He took her, and now she’s gone!” H: “Who took who?” Dem: “Hades-- he kidnapped my daughter and took her to the other side.” H: “He took Persephone? But why?” Dem: “Because he hates me. Hercules, you have to help me.” H: “What can I do? I mean, if Hades is behind this, it’s a problem for the gods.” Dem: “You’ve been to the other side and come back.” H: “This isn’t my concern. You and Hades are both gods. It’s reason enough for me to stay out of it.” Dem: “There’ll be consequences if you turn me down.” H: “I’m willing to suffer them. I’m sorry for you-- but I can’t help.” Dem: “You’re gonna be a lot sorrier before I’m through!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Dem’s Voice: “The Earth shall be barren as my heart.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Demeter.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Farmer: “I wish I could offer you something-- but all of our food is gone.” H: “This usually is fertile land. I’m sorry.” Farmer: “Last year, we lost our goat herd to pestilence. We were counting on this year’s crop when-- ” H: “-- the storm.” Farmer: “Now, the last of our livestock has died. All the other farms are having the same problems-- frozen livestock-- frozen crops. We were already living on the edge when this storm hit.” H: “Here. It’s-- not much, but-- it’ll help tide you over.” Farmer: “I wouldn’t accept it-- but for the kids.” H: “Don’t worry about it.” Farmer: “When the goddess of the harvest turns against you-- there’s not much anyone can do.” H: “Yes, there is. Thanks for the use of your fire.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Demeter-- I’ve reconsidered.” Dem: “I thought you might.” H: “What you’re doing to mankind is unconscionable.” Dem: “What Hades did to me and my Persephone is unconscionable.” H: “You’ve made your point. Let’s get on with this.” Dem: “I’ve talked to the other gods. You’ll be allowed to go to the other side. Find my daughter and bring her back.” H: “As easy as that. Hades is a formidable god. He rules the other side-- all of it.” Dem: “And he’ll use everything in his power to keep Persephone there-- demons, ghosts, monsters-- he’s full of sorcery and tricks.” H: “And if I go-- and return with Persephone-- you’ll set nature back on course-- the weather-- the harvest?” Dem: “You have my word. Just remember-- you can’t eat the food of the other side. And once you start back-- don’t look behind you.” H: “Or what?” Dem: “Or you’ll be stuck there forever.” H: “How do I get there?” [Screams] ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Nooo! Thanks, Demeter.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Children’s Voices: “Give me the ball! Give me the ball!” H: “Deianeira.” Charon: “Stop!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT II] Charon: “Hold it right there!” H: “Charon?” Charon: “Aw, it’s you, Hercules. Great, I feel really fortunate.” H: “You don’t sound surpried to see me.” Charon: “Well, what’s the surprise? We all know you’re coming.” H: “You do?” Charon: “In fact-- Hades is really looking forward to it. [Laughs] Oh, boy-- have you got your work cut out.” [Laughs] H: “That pig.” Charon: “Yeah, cute, huh? I’m gonna eat him later. Actually, I-- I fell on a bit of luck the other day. Or I should say, a bit of luck fell on me-- nearly broke my neck. And then-- I’m standing there-- just minding my own business-- and Hades comes along in that stupid chariot of his-- you know-- driving like a maniac-- nearly knocked me down. Still-- you don’t look a gift pig in the mouth, do ya? [Laughs] Actually, it’s very difficult to get food around here.” H: “So I hear. This chariot-- Persephone in it?” Charon: “Persephone? Oh, yeah, well, you know, Hades has got a big thing about Persephone.” H: “Then, he did kidnap her.” Charon: “Well, you know-- there’s two sides to every coin-- speakin’ of which-- you still owe me from last time.” H: “Yeah-- put in on my tab.” Charon: “Ta-- what is that? ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Per: “I can’t believe you’d do something like that! To anyone!” Hades: “I did what I had to do.” Per: “You’ve probably aged my mother twenty years! She’s very emotional, you know.” Hades: “I can’t change what’s already been done.” Per: “You could have talked to her, or something.” Hades: “Right-- all I had to do was ask her, and she’d let you come and live on the other side-- be my wife-- hah-- when Tartarus freezes over. Look-- I’m sorry if I caused you or your mother any grief. I only did it because-- I love you.” Pers: “Oh, great-- that justifies it. You love someone, so you can do whatever you want.” Hades: “Why don’t you relax-- have some food? You haven’t eaten since you got here.” Per: “You know I can’t eat the food of the other side. I’ll be stuck here forever.” Hades: “Would that be so bad?” Per: “What about my mother?” Hades: “She can come visit. We’ll build on an extra room.” Per: “She’d never go for it.” Hades: “That would be her loss.” Per: “That was a pretty wild chariot ride.” Hades: “We can do that any time you like.” Per: “Oh, Hades-- why does it have to be like this?” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Charon: “I just don’t get it. How come, whenever I deal with you, I get the short end of the stick?” H: “Ah-- it only seems that way, Charon. It’s because of your negative outlook.” Charon: “Negative?! How can you say that?! I mean, look around. You see any sunlight-- any dancing girls? This ain’t exactly a cheery place, you know.” H: “I’ll tell you what. I’ll make it up to you. Keep that pig alive till I get back-- I’ll give ya a special recipe for him.” Charon: “Hah.” H: “There’s garlic.” Charon: “Garlic.” H: “Honey.” Charon: “Honey.” H: “I’ll give the rest to ya, later.” Charon: “All right. But remember, you owe me two gold coins.” H: “Yeah, I’m good for it.” Charon: “Well, don’t leave town! Ah, I don’t know. I should charge him interest. I should charge him a lot of interest.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Boy: “Your turn! Here! [Etc.]” Ilea: “Wait for me!” Deianeira [Dei]: “Hercules? Hercules!” H: “Deianeira.” Dei: “I am so glad you’re back.” H: “Back.” Dei: “You’ve been gone much too long this time. I swear, if you were gone any longer, you’d be-- a stranger to your own children.” H: “Too long.” Dei: “Awww, gosh-- I know you’re a busy man. You have monsters to slay and-- villains to battle. We should be grateful we get to see you at all. You must be starving. Come on, let me fix you something to eat.” H: “Wait. Let me say hello to the kids, first.” Dei: “Oh! What am I thinking about? Children! Your father’s home!” Clonis: “Daddy’s home?” H: “Aeson.” Ilea: “It really is Daddy! Daddy!” H: “Ilea.” Ilea: “Daddy, I missed you.” H: “I missed you too, Ilea. I missed you all so much.” Ilea: “Are you crying, Daddy?” H: “No-- no, it’s the wind-- just-- blew something in my eye. Ilea-- my little baby.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “One arm for each of you! Yeah!” Dei: “OK, everybody, let’s sit down and eat before the food gets cold.” H: “In a minute. I just wanna finish teaching these boys how to wrestle, first. Whoa! Who’s there? Who was that? Who was that? Oh, you wanna wrestle, too? Huh?” Dei: “You act like you haven’t been home in ages.” H: “Why, I just wanna enjoy this while I can. You know-- if something else comes up and I’m off, again.” Dei: “Well-- let’s enjoy it, later. Let’s eat first.” H: “All right, let’s go! Whoa! Hey! Wait a minute! This isn’t fair! Ohhhh!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Dei: “Hi.” H: “Hi.” Dei: “You know, I don’t understand. You haven’t eaten anything all night. You OK?” H: “Hmm-- I’ve never felt better.” Dei: “Well-- you would think-- that fighting hydras and protecting the innocent would work up some kind of appetite.” H: “My appetite is fine. I’ve-- got other things on my mind.” Dei: “Well-- maybe food is-- not what you’re hungry for. You’re probably not ready for a main course. A little appetizer? A little something to nibble on?” H: “Nibbling is good.” Dei: “Hm-hmmmm-- I’ve got just the place.” H: “Show me.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Per: “Hades-- don’t be a voyeur.” Hades: “They do make a nice couple.” Per: “Come on. Give them some privacy.” Hades: “Give me one good reason.” Per: “I can give you several. Come on. Leave them alone.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT III] H: “Clonis-- you are getting so strong.” Clonis: “‘Cause I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Daddy.” Aeson: “I wanna drive chariots when I grow up-- Dad.” H: “Oh yeah? You think you can handle this?” Aeson [?]: “Yeah!” H: “Huh?! I’m gonna get you guys! I’m gonna get you! You’re not getting away from me! Persephone.” Per: “Hercules.” H: “How did you get away from Hades?” Per: “He’s off doing his rounds in Tartarus.” H: “Well-- you weren’t tied up, or guarded?” Per: “Why? Where is there to run? How’s my mom?” H: “How do you think? Maker of thunderstorms and tornadoes.” Per: “She’s so sensitive. Any little thing goes wrong, and she has these giant mood swings.” H: “I’ve noticed.” Pers: “I keep telling her to take some herbs or something-- help even it out.” H: “Ah-- she’ll be fine once we get you back.” Dei: “Back where? What’s wrong? Is she in trouble?” H [Sighs]: “Yeah.” Dei: “Oh. So, I guess that means you’ll be leaving again. Well-- I can’t let either one of you leave on an empty stomach. How about if I fix you guys something to eat?” Per: “Oh, I’m starving-- but I can’t.” Dei: “Oh, of course you can! Come on! Come on in the house!” H: “Ah.” Per: “Doesn’t she know we can’t eat the food from the other side?” H [Sighs]: “Deianeira, the kids-- they don’t know they’re dead. They’re reliving the happiest moments of their lives. What is it?” Per: “That pig.” H: “What about it?” Pers: “It belongs to the swineherd I was talking to when Hades grabbed me.” H: “Oh, OK. It’s from above and you’re really hungry.” Per: “Oh, it’s not that. His pigs were like family. We have to get that one back.” H: “Persephone, right now my problem is getting you back.” Per: “Please.” H: “What is it with people and pigs? Don’t go anywhere. Come here! Why do I get myself into these things?” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Women: “We cannot rest until we fill the well. [Repeats six more times]” Hades: “Don’t bother. If he had lived a better life, he wouldn’t be here.” H: “Hades.” Hades: “Welcome to Tartarus-- or, as I like to refer to it as-- the other side-- of the other side.” Man: [Screams] H: “That’s cruel.” Hades: “No crueler than he was in his previous life. Believe me-- he deserves it.” Tickler: “Tickle, tickle. How does it feel?” Hades: “And you better watch yourself if you wanna return to the world as you know it.” H: “Do you know what’s going on up there? Hades: “I hear Demeter is a little mad.” H: “‘Gone mad’ is more accurate. She’s ruined the harvest with winter storms. People are starving-- dying.” Women [Continuing in background]: “We can not rest-- until we fill the well.” Hades: “The woman does have her moods.” H: “What do you expect? You kidnapped her only daughter.” Hades: “‘Kidnapped.’ Demeter would say that.” H: “You were wrong in taking her, Hades. She’s going back.” Hades: “Not if I can help it.” Apple Man: “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Huh. The direct-- approach.” H: “Here-- let me help you.” Apple Man: “Huh. Head on. Head on.” H: “Good luck, my friend.” Apple Man: “His bark-- is worse than his bite.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “A chain’s weakest link. Head on. Well, my friend-- maybe you weren’t so delirious after all. Cerberus. We’ve been down this road, before. I didn’t hurt you then; I won’t now. So much for a guard dog.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Per: [Gasps] H: “Shh! Sh!” Per: “Hercules-- what are you doing here?” H: “I thought we went over that.” Per: “But how did you get past Hades’ dog?” H: “We’re old acquaintances. Get dressed.” Per: “You know, Hades really isn’t so bad.” H: “Right-- the guy who abducts girls and pigs. They should build a statue for him.” Per: “He just has this reputation of being cold and uncaring. People forget he’s also in charge of the Elysian Fields.” H: “You like him?” Per: “I think he’s wonderful. Look-- if he’s been cruel to anyone in Tartarus, it’s because they deserve it. And besides-- he’s kind of sexy.” H: “‘Sexy’? He kidnaps you-- your mother sends nature on a rampage, and all you can think of is-- ‘Sexy’?” Per: “So, he’s not perfect. Who is? That doesn’t mean he can’t change-- if the right person came along.” H: “Well, it won’t be you. Do you two have any idea what your mother’s moods have done to mankind? People are dying up there.” Per: “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t realize.” H: “Well, you do now. Let’s get going.” Per: “Wait.” H: “What?” Per: “The pig.” H: “Oh-- I wondered where he went. I’ve had enough of your squealing. I think it’s best if you wait back here.” [Fight] H: “Hold this! Thanks. Let’s go.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Hades: “I won’t be that easy.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- [ACT IV] H: “Wait over there.” Hades: “Let’s settle this right now.” [Fight] Per: “Stop it! This isn’t gonna prove anything!” Hades: “Take this, instead!” H: “Give it up!” Hades: “I’ll fight you unarmed if I have to-- but I won’t let her go!” H: “Hades, I’m taking her!” Hades: “Give it up, Hercules! You’re no match for a god!” Pers: “Stop! Both of you!” Hades: “That’s a heck of a right you have.” H: “You took it pretty well.” Hades: “You took most of my best shots, too.” H: “You sure we can’t talk this out? I mean-- we can keep this up all day, but-- eventually-- I am gonna beat you.” Hades: “I doubt it-- but let’s talk. I gotta catch my breath.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Hades: “Tell me-- how much do you love Deianeira?” H: “It’s-- beyond measure. When she and the kids went out of my life-- it left a void that can never be filled.” Hades: “That’s how I feel about Persephone. I-- I just wish her mother would understand that.” H: “Have you talked to her about it?” Hades: “Talked, cajoled, pleaded, threatened-- I’ve tried everything. She just won’t let her have anything to do with me.” H: “Mothers can be very protective.” Hades: “Try ‘Overprotective.’ I don’t know-- maybe it’s my manner or my clothes. They won’t even let me come around the Elysian Fields any more-- claim I’m too gloomy.” H: “A change in wardrobe couldn’t hurt.” Hades: “You think I dress badly?” H: “Well, not badly, but-- dark.” Hades: “Take a look around you! You think this is a fun job?! Not only have I got the Elysian Fields to think of, I’ve got Tartarus and the Asphodel Meadows! I’ve got an image to uphold!” H: “Dress however you want. What are we gonna do about Persephone?” Hades: “Hercules-- she’s the only bright spot in this whole place.” H: “Can’t help that. What you did was wrong.” Hades: “If you take her-- I’ll be doomed to the same emptiness you felt when you lost your whole family.” H: “I can’t let her stay. I made a deal.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Persephone-- let’s go.” Hades: “Hercules-- take your wife. I’ll change the rules. Take your whole family if you want to-- anyone. Just leave Persephone here-- please.” H: “I can’t.” Hades: “Hercules!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Dei: “Well, there you are? Where have you been?” H: “Deianeira-- we have to talk. Persephone?” [They go inside.] H: “Deianeira, I-- are you all right?” Dei: “It’s just that it feels so strange. It’s like you don’t belong here.” H: “I don’t. I have been gone a long time-- but you and the children-- have been gone a long time, as well.” Dei: “What are you saying?” H: “This isn’t my home. I’m not dead yet.” Dei: “And we are?” H: “Yeah.” Dei: “Oh, I thought it might be something like that. Things just haven’t seemed right since you first showed up.” H: “You’re in the Elysian Fields. I’ve wanted-- to tell you-- ” Dei [Interrupting]: “Oh, it doesn’t matter. We made the best of this time together.” H: “Deianeira-- I-I can take you back-- you and the children.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Ilea: “Want some fruit?” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Dei: “What would be the price of our going?” H: “Persephone would have to stay here.” Dei: “It doesn’t seem like she’s eager to leave.” H: “There’s more to it. Demeter is punishing mankind by withholding the harvest until her daughter returns.” Dei: “So people are starving-- and they’re dying. And the little problems of our family just pale in comparison, don’t they? Hercules-- you’re needed above. There’s nobody who can do what you can do. It’s not like we haven’t been happy.” H: “Till I returned and upset things.” Dei: “No-- don’t say that. Seeing you brought me more joy than you could have ever dreamed of. But just promise me one thing.” H: “Anything.” Dei: “That no matter how long it takes-- that you and I will be back together again.” H: “I promise. Oh, Deianeira-- I’ll miss you. I love you so much.” Dei: “I’ll miss you, my love.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- H: “Kids-- I have to go. Clonis.” Clonis: “Come back soon, Daddy.” H: “You be good. Aeson-- you listen to your mother.” Aeson: “When will you be back?” H: “I’ll be back before you know it. Ilea.” Ilea: “Don’t go, Daddy.” H: “We better go.” Dei: “Go.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Charon: “Ha-ha-ha. Oh-- now that’s, uh-- tree gloves of garlic, a-- pinch a’ basil-- oh, oh, oh, boy-- I’m lookin’ forward to this. Yeah. Ha-ha. Ooh. Sorry. Ha-ha. Ha. Hey, where’re you goin’ with my pig?!” H: “I promised I’d give you the recipe. I didn’t say I’d let you use it.” Charon: “Ah, now wait a minute! Ah, no, I can’t believe he did that! Whatever happened to respect?!” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Per: “Hercules!” H: “No-- no second thoughts. We’re going!” Per: “Hercules, please, wait!” [Screams] H: “He doesn’t give up, does he?” Per: “I-I can’t go. I love him.” H: “Sorry-- we don’t have time to debate this.” Hades-as-Dei: “Hercules-- I’ve changed my mind! I want to go with you!” H: “Hold on.” Hades-as-Dei: “Please-- please don’t leave me here. [Morphs into Hades] Please! Don’t leave me!” H: “Here-- grab my hand! Still want me to let go?!” Per: [Screams] H: “I didn’t think so.” Per: “Thank you.” H: “You’re welcome. Come on.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Dem: “Persephone!” Per: “Mother!” Hades: “Wait! You can’t go out there.” Dem: “She belongs to me. You know the rules. Hercules made it back.” Hades: “I know the rules: ‘Eat it and weep.’” Dem: “You ate the food of the other side?” Per: “I couldn’t help it; I was starving.” Dem: “Hercules brought her back! She stays with me!” Hades: “She ate the food; she’s mine!” H: “Now hold on, both of you! I hear a lot about what you want-- and what you want, but I don’t hear what she wants. Well, Persephone-- what do you want?” Per: “I don’t know-- both, I guess.” Dem: “You can’t.” Hades: “You have to pick.” H: “She already has. She wants both. She can have both. She ate half the fruit. That means she can stay half the year on the other side with Hades-- half, on Earth with her mother.” Dem: “There’s no way!” Hades: “I’ll take it to Zeus!” H: “Quiet! Does that work for you, Persephone? Then it should work-- for all of you.” Hades: “Who gets her first?” H: “That’s for Persephone to decide.” Per: “Mankind is suffering. Mother needs to get nature back on course. Six months really isn’t that long.” Hades: “It’ll seem like an eternity.” Per: “Oh, Hades!” Dem: “Oh!” H: “Ah! Not-- one-- word.” Per: “I’ll see you soon, my love. Think of me.” Dem: “Oh, I missed you, my dear.” H: “Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got some pigs to deliver.” Hades: “Hercules-- you have acted-- bravely and fairly throughout all this. Would you like to see your family one last time?” [Dei: “Sleep well, my children-- and hold your father in your dreams.”] Hades: “I can wipe their minds of all the memories of your visit-- if you think it’ll make it easier for them.” Hades: “They’ll be completely happy again? Then do it.” Hades: “I wish I could do the same for you.” H: “No. On this side, memories are all we really own. I know we’ll be together again, some day. I want to hold onto that. Thank you.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------
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