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THE WEDDING OF ALCMENE


“Wedding_of_Alcmene”  Episode 34/221

[TEASER]

Driver:  “You’d have been a lot better off going straight to
Corinth.”

Alcmene [Alc]:  “What?  Oh-- there’s no need to worry, young
man.  You can let me off anywhere that suits you.”

Driver:  “Sure I can’t change your mind?”

Alc:  “Please-- I’ll be fine.”

Driver:  “I wouldn’t be so sure.”

Alc:  “Don’t worry.  Hercules is here.”

Driver:  “Whoa.  You have that on good authority, do you?”

Alc:  “I certainly do.  I’m his mother.  Thank you.”

Man:  “Aah-- what do we have, here?  Let’s find out.  [Laughs]”

[Fight]

Alc:  “I-- I wonder.  Hercules?”

Man’s Voice:  “That’s enough for me!”

H:  “Mother?”

I:  “Alcmene?”

Alc:  “Does this happen often?”

H:  “Well-- s-- sometimes, it, uh-- can’t be avoided.”

I:  “Yeah, it keeps us young!”

H:  “Aah, speak for yourself.  I, uh-- hope you didn’t come all
this way just because you’re worried about me.”

Alc:  “Ah, no, no-- there’s something I have to tell you.”

H:  “Well!  This _really_ isn’t the time!”

Alc:  “I’m sorry, Hercules, but it can’t wait.  I’m getting
married.”

H:  “What?!”

I:  “Huh?”

H:  “You’re getting married?”

Alc:  “Yes.”

H:  “Stay here.  I’ll be right back.  Let’s get this over with.”

I:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Mother, I’m-- a little confused, here.  It’s just-- ”

Innkeeper [Interrupting]:  “Here-- thank you for-- for risking
your lives for me.”

H:  “Ah-- no, no, no, here-here-- keep your money and-- use it
to get your business going again.”

Inkeeper:  “You raised a very good boy, my dear-- very noble--
a-and his friend, too.”

H:  “Where are you going?”

I:  “You know, you two have to talk.”

H:  “Please-- ”

I:  “Come on, it’s a mother-son-- ”

H [Interrupting]:  “Get over here.”

I:  “OK.  So, uh-- who’s the lucky guy, Alcmene?”

H:  “Yeah, who-- who is he?”

Alc:  “Jason.”

H:  “Jason-- who?”

Alc:  “Jason.”

I and H:  “Jason?”

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[ACT I]

Alc:  “I came looking for Hercules.  It wasn’t anything more
complicated than that.  As soon as we saw each other-- the fire
between us was burning again.”

H:  “What fire?  I mean, you never mentioned Jason, before.  He
never mentioned you.”

Alc:  “The timing was always wrong, Hercules.”

H:  “What timing, Mother?!  I mean, if you’re seeing him--
you’re seeing him.  A-am I right, Iolaus?”

I:  “I guess it’s gonna be ‘Queen Alcmene’ from now on, huh?”

Alc:  “Royalty doesn’t interest me.  Living out my life with a
good man does.”

H:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Alc:  “Hercules-- I do understand why you’re upset.  I should
have told you about Jason long ago.”

H:  “How long have you been seeing him?”

Alc:  “Uh-- since-- Jason brought the news that Amphitryon was
dead.”

H:  “That long?!”

Alc:  “No woman had a better husband-- and I was faithful to him
all the years he was off to war.  But later, uh-- I needed
someone to hold me.”

H:  “Does Iphicles know?”

Alc:  “Uh, no.  He-he’s been really busy, and I-- ”

H:  “Mother, how could you-- ?!”

I [Interrupting]:  “I guess it’s time we, uh-- gotcha to
Corinth, so you can be with Jason, huh?”

Alc:  “Yeah.”

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Woman:  “Come on-- catch me if you can!”

Man:  “-- let me.”

A Man:  “Be right with you.”

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Patronius [Pat]:  “Please, your Highness-- tell us more about
Alcmene-- so my fellow regents and I will be better able to
conduct a royal wedding.”

Jason [Ja]:  “Well, I’m surprised your spies haven’t found out,
already.  Alcmene is a widow.  She has two sons-- Hercules and
Iphicles.”

Pat:  “Hercules?  So, _she’_s the one who had the fling with
Zeus.  [Laughter]  Oh, not fair-- I apologize.  I _do_
apologize.  But one thing-- does trouble me deeply.  You haven’t
mentioned the source of her royal blood.”

Ja:  “She has none.”

Regent:  “She has none.”

Pat:  “A commoner?”

Ja:  “There’s nothing common about the woman who owns my heart.”

Pat:  “Truly-- a noble sentiment.  Bad news, I’m afraid, your
Highness.  If you marry this-- forgive my using the word again--
this commoner-- you cannot reign as king.  It’s the law of the
land.”

Ja:  “Let me see that.”

Pat:  “Sad to say, you cannot have your wedding ceremony in the
castle, either.  Such a pity.”

Ja:  “You didn’t read far enough, Patronius.  Oh yes, you’re
right about me losing my crown and the right to marry here-- but
if I marry Alcmene before the next full moon, I don’t have to
worry about you seizing power and running Corinth into the
ground.  I can name my successor.”

Pat:  “Three days isn’t very long.”

Ja:  “Then the race is on.”

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Alc:  “Oh, look-- there’s Jason.”

I:  “Look at him go!”

Ja:  “Don’t I know you from someplace?”

Alc [Laughs]:  “You better!”

I:  “Well, looks like love agrees with you, Jason.”

Ja:  “I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize it.
Iolaus!”

I:  [Laughs]

Ja:  “I guess Hercules hasn’t decided if he wants to shake my
hand.”

H:  “Uh, that much-- I can do.”

Ja:  “We need to talk.”

H:  “Yes-- we do.”

Ja:  “Walk on ahead with Alcmene, would you, Iolaus?”

I:  “Sure.”

Ja:  “What’s bothering you?”

H:  “Jason-- I mean, she’s my mother.  I mean, you never
breathed a word-- I mean, the two of you-- ”

Ja [Interrupting]:  “Oh, come on, Hercules-- don’t you know, a
gentleman never tells?”

H:  “It is _not_ that simple.  You-- are supposed to be my
friend.”

Ja:  “Well, exactly how _should_ I have brought up the subject
to you?”

H:  “Well, that’s something you should have figured out.”

Ja:  “Why don’t we talk about this a later, when you’re feeling
a little less petulant.”

H:  “‘Petulant’?  [Sighs]  He’s acting like he’s my father,
already.”

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Blue Priest [Bl Pr]:  “Such glittering foolishness.”

Pat:  “Who are you?  How did you get in here?”

Bl Pr:  “I go, where Hera commands.”

Pat:  “Hera sent you.  Here-- an offering to the greatest
goddess of them all.”

Bl Pr:  “Trinkets hold no more worth to Hera than a leaf in the
wind.  Ah-- but Jason and Alcmene’s wedding-- that’s something
else-- provided it leads to the death of Hercules.”

Pat:  “The legends say he’s impossible to kill.”

Bl Pr:  “Fool!  How dare you underestimate Hera’s power?  It was
she-- who brought me back from the dead.” 

Pat:  “You were dead?”

Bl Pr:  “Beheaded-- by Hercules himself.  Left to waste away in
a pool of my own juices.”

Pat:  “Then I must serve you.”

Bl Pr:  “Of course you must.”

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Alc:  “Ah, they’re all so lovely.”

Sera:  “How is anyone ever supposed to choose?”

Alc:  “Ah-- well, I haven’t the slightest idea, but-- I just got
it into head to make my own dress.”

Sera:  “Special occasion?”

Alc:  “Yes-- I’m getting married.”

Sera:  “It’s _you_ who’s marrying King Jason, isn’t it?  Well,
Alcmene-- mother of Hercules.  It is-- an honor.”

Alc:  “Oh, well, you’re -- you’re very kind.”

Sera:  “I’m Sera.”

Alc:  “Well, Sera-- people get married every day.”

Sera:  “Oh, not to royalty.  Um-- excuse me, but-- everybody I
talk to says, uh-- your wedding can’t be held in the castle
because of some legal rubbish.”

Alc:  “Don’t worry about the wedding, my dear.  We’ll find a
place for it.”

Sera:  “Oh, but I’ve got one for you.  I mean, if you like the
gardens on the estate of my Uncle Procas, they’re-- beautiful.
You and the king have to see it for yourselves.”

Alc:  “I’ll mention it to Jason.”

Sera:  “Great.  I think the ivory would look best.”

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I:  “Herc, you gotta get over this.”

H:  “It’s easy for you to say.  It wasn’t your mother and your--
hero who had an affair.”

I:  “Uh-- so what if they had an affair?  They weren’t betraying
anybody and they _certainly_ didn’t plan it.”

H:  “They could have-- told me.  That’s all I’m saying.”

I:  “Oh-- like you told them all your secrets-- right?”

H:  “Yeah-- right.”  [They laugh]

I:  “Ha?  A-ha?  Gotcha!”

H:  “OK, OK.  I _know_.  You know, maybe I’m asking more of
Jason and my mother than I do of myself.  It’s only because they
both mean so much to me.”

I:  “Aw-- Hercules-- I think-- ”

[Fight]

H:  “Uh-- does-- this surprise us?”

I:  “Not really.”

Archivus [Arch]:  “Hey!”

Phoebe [Phoe]:  “You can’t talk about Jason like that!”

Arch:  “And the most _vicious_ of the brigands-- ”

Vicious Brigand’s Voice:  “Owwwww!”

Arch:  “-- was-- dispatched by the noble Archivus.”

H  [Sighs]:  “He’s at it again.”

I:  “Archivus!”

Phoe:  “Hercules!”

I:  “Phoebe!”

Phoe:  “Iolaus!”

H:  “Ah-- so-- you-- mind telling us what that was all about?”

Domesticles [Dom]:  “Well, it’s us, it’s uh-- Jason again.
He’s, uh-- well-- only this time he’s not drinking.”

Phoe:  “Yeah, he’s getting married!”

I:  “Oh, we know-- to, uh-- Hercules’ mother.  That’s why we’re
here.”

Arch:  “Obviously, she’s quite a woman.  See, this rabble that I
have just-- _vanquished_--”

Phoe:  “Hey!”

Arch:  “Hey, hey, hey-- says Jason is giving up his crown-- for
her.”

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Ja:  “Yes, it’s true.  I only wish-- I’d found a more graceful
way to tell you before this.”

H:  “Jason-- Mother-- I believe I owe you both an apology.  I
just hope you can forgive me for being-- petulant.”

Alc:  “Of course we can.”

Ja:  “Of course.  But there is something else, Hercules.  I want
you to take my place-- as the king of Corinth.”

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[ACT II]

H:  “I don’t know what to say.”

I:  “You can say whatever you like.  You know you’ll have our
support.”

Alc:  “Just do what your heart tells you, Hercules.”

Ja:  “Hercules-- you’re not making this decision for me.  You’re
making it for yourself.”

H:  “Yeah.  Um-- Jason, I-- I am honored.  But I can help more
people, doing what I do now, than I-- ever could-- as a king.
So I guess that means-- no.  I’m sorry.”

Ja:  “Oh, why be sorry?  You’re right.”

H:  “Yeah.  But you still have to find a successor.”

Ja:  “Hmm-- Oh, I think I’m capable of doing that-- and getting
married at the same time.  Oh, better get those invitations out,
Iolaus, before it’s too late.”

I:  “Through rain, sleet, or snow, I’m your man.”

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Pat:  “Every one of them has tasted blood.  Jermiad here
actually stabbed a man, just to watch him die.  And all they
care about is killing Hercules.  No meaner mercenaries exist
unless Hera herself created them”

Bl Pr:  “They’ll do.”

Pat:  “You make them sound like table scraps.”

Bl Pr:  “Let them accomplish their mission if they wish to earn
praise.”

Pat:  “They’ll succeed.  And when Jason finds no successor--
nothing will stop them marching north with me-- to conquer
Phlegra.”

Bl Pr:  “Where Iphicles, brother of Hercules, rules?  Your
ambition is admirable, Patronius.  Don’t-- let it interfere with
killing Hercules.”

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Ja:  “There’s someone very special you have to find.  Ahh--
[Whispers]  I think you should go find-- ”

I:  “He’s gonna be king?!”  [Laughs]

Phoe:  “Who?”

Dom:  “Who?”

Arch:  “Who?”

Ja:  “Oh, no-- it wouldn’t be fair if you knew before the man
himself.  Now, go!  All of you.  Bring back old friends who can
share the joy with Alcmene and me.  I just hope my next choice
doesn’t turn me down.”

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Falafel [Fal]:  “Taco, my friend?!”

I:  “Falafel?”

Fal:  “No, I said, ‘Taco’!”

I:  “Uh-- no thanks.  I’m in a hurry.”

Dirce:  “Iolaus?!”  [Gasps]

I:  “Dirce?  Oh!  Oh!”

Dirce:  “Oh!”  [They laugh.]

Fal:  “Ha-ha-- a little difficult to eat, but, uh-- very tasty,
right?”

Dirce [Interrupting]:  “Oh, they’re very good!”

I:  “Wait a second.  You’re eating this?”

Dirce:  “Mmm!”

I:  “Don’t.”

Fal’s Voice:  “You see?  You take a small tortilla-- you fold it
like so-- you put in some ground rabbit-- he-he-he-he-he-- a
little-- lettuce-- some hot sauce-- and-- presto-- a meal in a
minute.”

I:  “I haven’t got time for this.”

Dirce:  [Sighs]

Fal’s Voice:  “That’s the beauty of these babies-- they’re so
fast!”

I:  “Dirce-- King Jason is marrying Alcmene-- Hercules’ mother.
The wedding is in Corinth-- tomorrow.  Wouldja like to-- go?”

Dirce:  “Like a date?”

I:  “Yeah.”

Dirce:  [Sighs]

Fal [Clears throat]:  “Wedding?  I cater weddings.  Best buffet
dinner you ever ate.  Cake-- 8 feet tall-- minimum.  Ambrosia--
”

I:  “Oh, you mean the food of the gods?”

Fal:  “No-- a salad-- with many marshmallows.”

I:  “Ih.  Dirce-- we have to pick up someone on the way-- a very
important guest.  Can you run?  Come on!  Hey, and-- take it
easy on those marshmallows!”

Fal:  “What’s he got against marshmallows?”

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Alc’s Voice:  “Oh, Sera-- it’s lovely.”

Sera’s Voice:  “Well, I’m happy you like it.”

Alc’s Voice:  “I do.”

Sera’s Voice:  “My uncle had the garden built on the cliff
overlooking the sea.”

Alc:  “I can see the island.”

Sera:  “Yes, it’s even prettier at night.  I was just thinking--
maybe we can have the ceremony-- right here, at the bottom of
the stairs.”

Alc:  “This is so pretty!  It looks like something the-- the
gods always promise, but never deliver.”

Sera:  “I hope that means you’ll use it for your wedding.”

Alc:  “Oh, I don’t see how we couldn’t.  Do you, Jason?”

Ja:  “Well, you’re not giving me much chance to turn it down.”

Alc [Laughing]:  “Oh-- Hercules, beat some sense into him, will
you?”

Sera:  “Hercules?  You mean, he’s Hercules?  Oh, my god.  I
can’t believe it.  Hercules.  See, he’s-- he’s”

Alc [Interrupting]:  “He’s my son.”

Sera:  “He’s the son of a god.  Didja know that?!  He’s-he’s
standing right here on my uncle’s properties.  He’s just a
little bigger-- bigger than I thought, but he’s-- ”

Ja:  “Sera.  Sera?”

Sera:  “Yes.”

Ja:  “We’d like to take you up on your very kind offer.”

Sera:  “That is such good news.  I’m-- very, very excited.
Everything’ll be just right for the ceremony.  I promise you.”

H:  “Uh-- you know, Sera, I’m not doing anything.  I could--
give you a hand.”

Sera:  “Oh, don’t be silly!  Just relax and enjoy yourself.”

H:  “What?  Mom, I mean, it’s-- ”

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Alc:  “She’s a lovely young woman, Hercules.”

H:  “Yes-- she is.”

Alc:  “And it would be so nice to have you living close by for a
change.”

H:  “Are you saying what I-- think you’re saying?”

Alc [Laughs]:  “I’m your mother.  I can’t help myself.”

H:  “Uh, I don’t believe it.  You’ve got me marrying Sera and we
just met.”

Alc:  “Well, the two of you look so wonderful together.  Don’t
they, Jason.”

Ja’s Voice:  “Trouble.”

[Fight]

H:  “Ah-- behind you.”

Ja’s Voice:  “Thanks.”

Ja:  “I owe you one.”

H:  “Consider it my first wedding gift to you and Mother.  Where
is she?”

Ja’s Voice:  “I thought she was right behind us.”

H’s Voice:  “Mother!”

H:  “Mother!  Mother!”

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[ACT III]

Ja:  “Oh-- if something happened to her-- ”

H:  “We’ll find her, Jason.”

Alc:  “Take that!  Coward!”

Thug [Screams]:  “Oh, go-od!  No!”

H:  “Ha-ha.  Uh-- Mother-- what are you doing?”

Alc:  “Oh!  I haven’t had this much fun in years!”

Ja:  “I was so worried about you!”

Alc:  “Now you know how I felt when I was watching the two of
you.  So-- I’ve gotta get back to Corinth.  I’ve gotta finish
sewing my wedding dress.”

Ja:  “Now I know who have you your fighting heart.”

H:  “Ouch.”

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Dirce:  [Vomits]

I:  “Huh?”

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King Thespius’ Daughter [Dau]’s Voice:  “Here he is.”

H:  “Uh-oh.”

Dau:  “Glad to see us?”

H:  “I-- well-- yeah, of course.  I just didn’t think you’d be
here this-- early.”

Dau:  “We always move fast when there’s a royal wedding to
attend.  It’s the least we can do for Dad.”

H:  “Yeah, well, how is King-- Thespius?”

Dau:  “Still yearning for more grandchildren.  Interested in
helping out, yet?”

H:  “Ah.  Ah!  This really isn’t the time.”

Dau:  “That’s not a ‘No,’ girls.”

H:  “Uh, you know?  Salmoneus has been invited.  I understand
you’re all pretty friendly with him.”

Dau [Interrupting]:  “Ye-e-ahh, but he drools too much.  My
sisters and I prefer someone-- friendlier-- tidier.”

H:  “Huh.”

Alc [Screams]:  “Oh, Hercules-- there’s a _very_ strange man in
the kitchen.”

H:  “Oh.  Excuse me.”

Daus’ Voices:  “We’re coming, too!”  “Don’t let him out of your
sight.”

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Fal:  “Ahhh!  Ha!  Oh, my friend!”

H:  “Yeah-- he’s all right.”

Fal:  “What a feast I am _making_!”

H:  “As long as there’s no falafels or-- hot dogs.”

Fal:  “But tacos-- yes!  [Laughs]  And ambrosia.”

H:  “Food of the gods?”

Fal:  “Yes-- but-- with marshmallows.”

H:  “Marshmallows.”

Alc:  “You know him.”

H:  “Yeah.”

Alc:  “And-- ”

H:  “It’s a long story.”

Dau:  “We’re the daughters of King Thespius.  I’m so glad we
finally get to meet you, because we’re dying to ask you about
your son.  He’s so shy around us, and we just can’t understand
why.  Is there anything you can suggest to bring him out of his
shell?”

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Bl Pr:  [Murmurs]

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Deric [Der]:  “Hey, Hercules!”

H:  “Deric!  I’m glad you could make it.  Well, did you bring
Lyla and Kefor with you?”

Der:  “No, no.  They’re back home, waiting for my cousin,
Phantes.  He promised he’d visit, and-- ”

H:  “Oh, uh-- ”

Sera:  “Hercules-- I heard there was an ambush.  Is that true?”

H:  “I’m a-- fraid so, but Jason doesn’t seem to think there’ll
be any more trouble.”

Sera:  “I hope it won’t spoil the wedding.”

H  “Oh, no.  Don’t worry.  The wedding will go on as planned.”

Sera:  “That’s a relief.”

Der:  “Excuse me, but-- have we met?  My name’s Deric.  I’m an
old friend of Hercules’.”

Sera:  “Well, maybe you’re mistaken, but, um-- glad to meet
you.”

H’s Voice:  “This is-- Sera.”

Sera:  “Hope to see ya at the wedding, Deric.  I better get back
out there.  I want everything to be perfect.”

H:  “All right-- see ya later.”

Der:  “Sera.”

H:  “‘Have we-- met?’  What will Lyla think if she heard that?”

Der:  “Uh, no, no-- I didn’t mean it to sound like a-- pick-up
line in a tavern.  It’s just that I-- ahh-- I guess my memory’s
playing tricks on me.”

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Alc:  “Oh.  Well, I-- suppose the man who sent it meant well.”

Ja:  “Hmm-- just the same, I wouldn’t wanna know what he does--
in his spare time.”

H:  “Uh, lemme guess-- Salmoneus sent you a wedding present.”

Alc:  “Oh, is that how you pronounce his name?  I thought it
was, ‘Salmonella’.”

H:  “Uh-- elegant-- subdued, yet-- practical.”

H’s Voice:  “Ah.  This would be him in a nutshell.”

Alc:  “Yeah, his taste-- certainly is different, isn’t it?”

H:  “Wait till ya meet him.”

Ja:  “Oh, I don’t believe we’re going to.  His delivery girl
said he was at Athens, closing a major deal.”

H:  “Delivery girls.  Major deal?  Uh-- Salmoneus-- what-- are
you up to, now?”

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Bl Pr:  “A beautiful location, all right-- for a funeral.”

Pat:  “Well, I still don’t understand how you’re gonna make it
happen.  I mean, we have no weapons, no warriors, no-- ”

Sera:  “We have Hera-- and Hera will provide.”

Pat:  “But how?  And who?”

Sera:  “Is that good enough for you?”

Pat:  “Hey, uh-- run, before it kills us all!”

Bl Pr:  “Stop!  You’re not going anywhere.”

Sera:  “All we have to do is wait until tomorrow-- and then we
get to see the wedding of Alcmene turn into the death of
Hercules.”

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Woman’s Voice:  “Thank you.”

Fal:  “Taco?  Taco.”

A Woman’s Voice [In Background]:  “Taco.”

Fal:  “H’ors d’oeuvres, my friend.”

H:  “Ha-ha.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  Hi, Deric.”

Der:  “Hey-- Hercules.”

Sera:  “That’s great.”

Sera’s Voice:  “What a great idea you had-- ”

H:  “Oh.  Uh-- ladies.  No-- look-- look.  Please, uh-- don’t
you anything-- better to do?”

Phoe:  “Hercules-- Echidna can’t come.  She’s pregnant.”

H:  “Again?”

Arch:  “It’s scary.  She’s the mother of all monsters.  I’m
gonna write about it.”

H:  “Oh-- good.  Well?”

Dom:  “Yeah-- they’re-they’re, uh-- they’re coming.  They’re
coming.  Hi, ladies!  How are ya?”

H:  “See ya.”

Heliotrope [Hel]:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Uh.  Mica!  Heliotrope!”

Mica:  “Surprised to see us?”

H:  “Uh-- you could say that, yes.”

Hel:  “Well, Falafel’s agreed to teach us-- catering. ”

H:  “Falafel-- that’s-- ”

Hel [Interrupting]:  “Yeah-- after we taught him ‘Salmoneus
shake’.”

H:  “Well, that’s-- very, very nice, ladies, but, if you can
excuse me, I-- I’m lookin’ for someone.”

Mica:  “Who isn’t?  Hi!”

Sera:  “Hercules-- don’t look so concerned.  Everything is
ready.”

H:  “I know, I know.  I’m-- just looking for a friend of mine.
He’s supposed to be-- performing the ceremony.”

Sera:  “Amphion-- he’s right over there.”

H:  “Oh.  Amphion!”

Amphion [Amp]:  “Hercules.”

H:  “Iolaus-- have you seen Iolaus?  I-I-I-- I’m really curious
who this new king is supposed to be.”

Sera:  “Relax.  Just let yourself be surprised.”

H:  “I know.  It’s just-- ”

Sera’s Voice:  “Everything will work out just fine.  There’s no
need to worry.  You know?  Why don’t you just-- ?”

Woman’s Voice:  “There they are!”

Sera:  “Come on, everybody.  I’ll lead ya to the wedding site.
Come on.”

H:  “Oh-- yeah.”

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Bl Pr:  “Until Perfidia attacks Hercules, you are servants--
nothing else.  Then everybody-- save the son of Alcmene-- is
yours for the killing.”

Pat:  “Marvelous-- simply marvelous.”

Bl Pr:  “Hera wouldn’t stand for anything less.”

Sera:  “Right over here.”

H:  “Have, uh-- any of you seen Iolaus?”

Arch:  “Uh, not since we left-- sorry.”

Dom:  “Hercules, it’s time.”

Ja:  “Thank you, Amphion.  I know many of you have wondered who
will succeed me as king.  To tell you the truth, I’ve wondered,
myself.  But now, at last, there is an answer to our questions.”

Sera:  “Who is he?”

H:  “He’s my brother-- Iphicles.”

Iphicles [Iph]:  “Surprised, Hercules?”

H:  “Not at all.  Jason made a wise choice.”

Rena:  “Good to see you.”

H:  “Hmm-- you, too.”

Dirce:  “This is incredible!”

H:  “This is great, but you could have told me.”

I:  “Hey-- what fun would that have been?!”  [Laughs]

Alc:  “No matter what misunderstandings we’ve had, I’ve-- I’ve
always been proud to call you my son.  To think you’ll succeed
Jason as well [Laughing]-- pleases me beyond words.”

Iph:  “Thank you.”

Ja’s Voice:  “Step forward, Iphicles.”

Ja:  “May you rule with all the wisdom and humanity passed on to
you by your mother.  I give you-- King Iphicles of Corinth!”

All:  [Cheer]

Der:  “The slaughter at Biblos!  I knew I’d seen her before.
Hercules-- ”

H:  “Hmm-- ”

Der:  “The girl-- she’s a spy for Hera.”

H’s Voice:  “Sera?”

Amp’s Voice:  “Jason-- Alcmene-- ”

Amp:  “We’ve come to the moment that brought us here, today-- ”

H:  “Duck!  Go!”

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[ACT IV]

[Fight]

H:  “Jason!  Your sword!”

Fal:  “Oh, my!  The cake!”

Bl Pr:  “I want to savor this.”

Alc:  “No!  Jason!”

Ja:  “Hercules!”

Alc:  “Jason!”

H:  “No, Hercules!  Oh!”

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H:  “Uh-- this isn’t good.”

Ja:  “What are we gonna do?!  We’ll never get out!”

H:  “Uh.  You know, uh?  I’ve been inside one of these, before!”

Ja:  “Yeah?  Well, this is my first time.”

H:  “Ha!  Except-- this one’s a lot bigger!”

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--------------------------------

Alc:  “Treacherous little witch!  I wish that would bring back
Hercules and Jason.”

Iph:  “Think positive, Mother.”

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--------------------------------

Ja:  “What has this thing been eating?”

H:  “Tacos.  You think it’s bad in here?”

Ja:  “What is that thing?”

H:  “Does it matter?!”

Ja:  “Well, maybe I could go back this way.  We could meet up in
the lungs.”

H:  “No!  No!  Ah.  Oh.  Ah.  Meet me over here!”

Ja:  “How?!”

H:  “I think I’ve got a plan.  Come on, friend.  You wanna leg,
huh?!  You wanna leg?!  You wanna leg?!  All right!  Now, grab
it!”

Ja:  “Now what?!”

H:  “Swing across!”

Ja:  “Are you crazy?!”

H:  “No!  Swing across!”

Ja:  [Yells]

H:  “Come on!”

Ja:  “Come on!  Get me outta here!”

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Dom:  “Ha-ha!”

Phoe:  “Aaaah.”

Arch:  “Naaah.”

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--------------------------------

H:  “This is the right way.”

H and Ja:  “Who-o-o-o-o-o-a!”

H [Muffled]:  “Jason?!”

Ja [Muffled]:  “Yeah?!”

H [Muffled]:  “You sure know how to throw a wedding!”

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--------------------------------

H:  “That’s what I was looking for-- the spinal column.”

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--------------------------------

Arch:  “Hey!”

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--------------------------------

Ja:  “Got any ideas?”

H:  “Short-circuit it’s nervous system.”

Ja:  “This really isn’t what my stomach needed.”

H:  “Well-- we-- won’t be staying long.  Uh!”

Ja:  “Watch out!”

H:  “We must have hit a nerve.  Uhhhhh!  I am-- _not_ enjoying
this!”

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--------------------------------

Bl Pr:  “Who’s going to save you, now?”

I:  “Aren’t you supposed to be dead?  Hercules chopped your head
off!”

Bl Pr:  “Hera didn’t approve.”

Pat:  “Save me!”

Bl Pr:  “Save yourself!”

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--------------------------------

Ja:  “I never thought that wedding gift would be good for
anything.”

H:  “You can always count on Salmoneus!”

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Bl Pr:  “Hera-- protect me.”  [Screams]

I:  “Oh, I hope he stays dead this time.”

Alc:  “Let’s worry about Hercules and Jason instead.”

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H:  “I don’t think he likes that very much!”

Ja’s [?] Voice:  “I’m not too crazy about it, myself!”

Ja:  “It worked.”

H:  “Well, yeah-- you sound like you’re surprised.”

Ja:  “Nope.  Nope.  Nope.”

H:  “Ha.  Going up fast.”

Ja:  “Hmm.”

H:  “This way.”

Ja:  “Now, what?”

H:  “Well-- I, uh-- wanna make sure my mother didn’t marry
somebody else.”  [Chuckles]

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Amp:  “Their devotion to each other has joined two families and
created a bond-- which is sure to glow brightly into the future.
Jason-- Alcmene-- I now pronounce you husband-- and wife.
Jason-- you may kiss the bride.”

I:  “Hercules!  This is sensational!”

Salmoneus [Sal]:  “I didn’t miss anything, did I?  What?  What?!
Was it my gift?”

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