“The Green-Eyed Monster” Episode 44/307 [TEASER] Men’s Voices: “A finer beauty _never_ walked the Earth! She’s a rare flower.” “If she were mine, I’d kiss the ground she walked on!” Woman: “Hi!” A Woman’s Voice: “Hi.” Pelops: “Where is she?! Where’s my Psyche?! Which way?! Thanks.” Holidus [Hol]: “It’s OK-- you can come out now.” Another Woman: “Pelops! When I get my hands on you! You-- you’ve got a lot of nerve, showing your face in public.” Hol: “Excuse us. We had an agreement, Psyche-- not during the day, remember?” Psyche: “I’m sorry, Father, but I felt like a prisoner in there. I had to get out.” Hol: “Let’s just go.” Man’s Voice: “It’s her-- wonder of wonders. It’s true. Dear lady-- these eyes have feasted upon the most magnificent creatures on Earth. But never-- never have they seen your match. I am truly your servant. How much do you want for her?” Psyche: “What?” Hol: “You don’t understand, sir-- my daughter is not for sale.” Man: “Of course, she’s not. So, what’ll it be?” Man’s Voice: “A thousand dinars? Two thousand?” Thug: “Come on, Cupid. Get it over with. Let’s have a toga party.” Man: “Just name your price. Now, if he won’t sell, I want you to-- ” Thugs: “Toga! Toga! Toga!” Man: “Come here, Bartolemus. You have _the_ most beautiful eyes.” Bartolemus: “But, this is so sudden!” Man: “Wait! Come back!” Thug: “I don’t get it. I thought you were supposed to shoot the girl.” Cupid: “Yeah, well, there’s been a change of plan. Let’s get outta here. Mom-- ” Aphrodite [Aph]: “Uh-huh-- it’s never taken you two weeks to get a job done-- and now when I come to see what’s up, you miss a clean shot? You better have an explanation, Junior.” Cupid: “Yeah, well, I got one. I’m sick of doing your dirty work. I’ve got a life of my own, you know?” Aph: “Aww, it seems like just yesterday, you were fluttering around with those _chubby_, pink cheeks and those cute little wings. [Sighs] And now, look at you. Tell you what-- just do this one gig for me-- and then we’ll talk. Deal?” Cupid: “No deal. From now on-- I’m my own boss.” Aph: “Wait! Don’t be stupid, cupid.” Cupid: “Later.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Fight] H: “Fighting, fighting-- fighting! Don’t you _ever_ get tired of this immature behavior?! Well, well, well-- if it isn’t my _favorite_ little sister. I suppose this is your doing.” Aph: “Uh! Herc-- you know how much I hate fighting. ‘Make love, not war’-- that’s my motto.” H: “Mm-hmm. Aphrodite-- what do you want?” Aph: “OK, there is this one little favor I need? It’s Cupid. He’s been hanging with a really bad crowd. I’m worried he’s headed for trouble.” H: “So, you want me to talk to him.” Aph: “Well, you are his favorite Uncle. And he won’t listen to me, that’s for sure.” H: “Uh-- can I talk to him later? I’m a little busy right now.” Aph [Laughs]: “What, this? Stand back. Excuse me, boys? Can I have your attention, please.” H: “You’re losing your touch.” Aph: “As if!” [Flashes soldiers] Soldiers: “Oh.” “Hmm.” Aph: “There. Can we go, now?” H: “I can’t believe I’m related to her.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] Cupid: “Hercules-- all the years I was growing up, the only time I ever saw Mom was when she wanted me to make some stupid mortals fall in love. Well, some of them need my help; some don’t. Either way, I’m sick of it.” H: “But Cupid, it-- it is your job.” Cupid: “Yeah, OK, OK. I’ll get to the point. Two weeks ago, she shows up out of the blue and says she wants me to make some girl-- fall in love with a toad. Now, you tell me-- what’s that all about?” H: “Who is this girl?” Cupid: “Well, she’s, uh-- she’s different-- you know? She’s, uh-- gorgeous-- really. Anyway, as soon as I saw her, I-I knew the whole thing was bogus. Her name’s Psyche.” H: “Psyche? The daughter of Holidus, the innkeeper?” Cupid: “Do you know her?” H: “Yeah, when she was a kid. Does she still live in Malidon with her father?” Cupid: “Yeah.” H [Whispers]: “Yeah.” Cupid: “Wha-- well, what are you gonna do?” H: “Uh-- talk to your mother-- for starters. Oh, and I was supposed to tell you to-- try to-- stay out of-- trouble-- OK?” Cupid: “I gotcha, Uncle Herc.” H [Whispers]: “OK.” Cupid: “Hey, you know something? You’re almost cool.” H: “Thanks-- I think.” Cupid: “What are you knuckleheads doing?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Just the person I was looking for.” Aph: “You call that talking to him?” H: “Mmm.” Aph: “You saw the kind of life he’s leading. Why didn’t you do something?” H: “Like what?” Aph: “I don’t know-- whatever. I don’t care. Just-- get him in line. If you can’t do it, who can?” H: “Maybe, no one. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s a grown man. Tell me something, Aphrodite-- your only concern here is your son, right?” Aph: “Absolutely.” H: “And the fact that Psyche’s beautiful-- that doesn’t bother you.” Aph [Laughs]: “What, do you think I’m jealous of a mortal? Please.” H: “Well-- now that we’ve cleared that up-- then you don’t-- need me, anymore.” Aph: “Wait, you’re you just gonna walk away? Some role model you are.” H: “Later.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Thugs’ Voices: [Mostly incomprehensible] “When I get free, I’ll show ya.” “Pay attention-- ” Aph: “It’s Psyche, isn’t it?” Cupid: “Just leave me alone, would you, Mom?” Aph: “I hate to see you looking so sad.” Cupid: “Well, how do you expect me to feel?!” Aph: “Cupid-- I have told you time and time again-- ‘Mess around with mortals all you want-- that’s what they’re there for. But whatever you do, don’t fall in love.’” Cupid: “Well, why not?” Aph: “Because it can’t work. Believe me, I know. Uh! Just zap the chick, so she’ll fall in love with somebody else, please?! It’s the only way you’re ever gonna be happy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Men’s Voices: “A girl as fine as that-- you can’t buy with gifts.” “Watch me. I’ll win her heart.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Entrepreneur: “Buy a map to Psyche’s house. Come on-- you won’t be sorry. There you go, sir.” Man: “Here, thank you.” Entrpreneur: “Thank you. Buy a map to Psyche’s house.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Salmoneus [Sal]: “Step right up! Get ‘em while their fresh and dewy! Two, four, six, eight-- flowers help ya pollinate! Gooooo, romance!” H: “That’s very catchy.” Sal: “Hercules! What a pleasant surprise!” H: “Mm-hmm.” Sal: “Hold down the fort. Whoa-ho-- you got it _made_, my friend. I mean-- Psyche’s not gonna choose anybody over you.” H: “That’s not what I’m here for.” Sal: “Yeah-- don’t kid a kidder. Hey. What’s it gonna take to make the deal? Huh? We have roses. We have lillies-- impatiens. Impatient, huh? Uh. I know-- a mixed bouquet.” H: “Salmoneus, you’re taking advantage of all these men.” Sal: “No, I’m keeping their dreams alive. He-he-he. Now-- I’ll letcha have this bunch-- for two dinars-- and a deal on the wedding. That’s half my normal price.” H: “Ah-- thanks, but I’m here to-- talk to Psyche? And I think I know where I can find her.” Sal: “Yeah, I’m sure you do. Hercules-- I haven’t seen this Psyche, yet-- but I gather she makes Aphrodite look like a bow-wow. You know what I mean?” H: “If I were you, I would-- be careful.” Sal [Chuckles]: “‘Careful’-- don’t pay the rent, my friend.” Aph: “A ‘bow-wow’, huh?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Holidus [Hol]: “Whoever you are, we’re closed. And my daughter is not receiving any visitors.” H: “Even if it’s an old friend.” Hol: “Hercules!” H: “Holidus, how are you?” Hol: “Oh.” Psyche: “Daddy, did you say-- ? Hercules-- it _is_ you. It’s so good to see you!” H: “Psyche-- the last time I saw you, you were this tall, with pigtails and freckles, and all you cared about was climbing trees.” Hol: “You know-- well, she’s still climbing them.” Psyche: “Well, sometimes it’s the only way to escape.” H: “I-- can believe it.” Psyche: “Well, you haven’t changed. You’re still the world’s bravest-- best-looking hero. So, you have to tell me-- what’s it like fighting the Hydra-- or Echidna, the mother of _all_ monsters? How did you get rid of her?” H: “Well-- actually, I didn’t-- you see, what happened-- ” Psyche: “Oh-- you’re just as modest as ever. It’s good to see you, Hercules.” Hol: “Yes. So, how long can you stay with us?” H: “I’m just-- passing through my way to Corinth. I haven’t seen my mother and Jason since they were married.” Psyche: “Well, you, um-- might as well stay for lunch. Because you know, if you don’t-- I’ll never forgive you.” H: “Then-- lunch-- it is. I-- can’t go through life unforgiven.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph: “Well, boys-- this is it. Somebody’s gonna score with Psyche, today. Who’s it gonna be? Hmm? Mmm-- washboard abs-- I like that. Ooh-- a man who doesn’t believe in bathing. That’s good, too.” Man’s Voice: “You fool-- she won’t choose you. Now me-- I’m more her style.” Aph: “Huh-- ha-ha.” Sal: “Nice material. Oh, beauteous one! Let me ravish-- lavish you-- with a rose-- sweet-- proud-- and upstanding.” Aph [Laughs]: “Business must be good.” Sal: “Mm-hmm.” Aph: “Mmm-- it’s _amazing_, the things a man will do to win the love of a beautiful woman.” Sal: [Laughs] Aph: “Especially one who makes Aphrodite look like a bow-wow.” Sal [Chuckles]: “You misunderstand. I said ‘Wow-wow!’ Whoa. Listen, your gorgeousness-- you were always my favorite goddess. I mean-- even as a kid-- I collected your trading cards, and believe me-- they don’t do you justice at all. Ha-ha. Please don’t hurt me! Please! I’ll do anything!” Aph: “Get up.” Sal: “Why?” Aph: “I have a deal for you.” Sal: “You do? What’s my percentage?” Aph: “I want to rock your world, stud-muffin.” Sal: “Stud-muffin, huh? Hmm! Is that good?” Aph: “Oh, yeah.” Sal: “Ohhh.” Aph: “Not so fast. There’s something I want you to do for me, first.” Sal: “Yeah?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Psyche: “Hercules?” H: “Hmm?” Psyche: “Do you think I’m attractive?” Man’s Voice: “Help yourself. I’ll be right with you.” H: “Uh, you’re more than that. You’re beautiful.” Psyche: “So you-- you like me.” H: “Well, of course I do. Psyche, what is this about?” Psyche: “I want you to take me away from here.” Woman’s Voice: “Is that OK?” H [Chuckles]: “Uh-- come again?” Psyche: “Really-- I’m serious. It’s-- the men in this town-- have just treated me like-- a _prize_, or something. It’s disgusting, and I can’t stand it! I wanna see the world! I wanna have-- adventures-- with you.” H: “Psyche-- I think-- you’re wonderful. I mean, I really do. But you’re young. You need to live your own life, not mine.” Psyche: “I wouldn’t get in your way-- I promise.” H: “You see? My life is, it’s [Sighs]-- the thing is, is-- if ya stop and think about it-- ” Psyche [Interrupting]: “I don’t-- wanna stop and think about anything. I just wanna be with you.” H: “Oh.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cupid: “Go away!” Aph: “Now Cupid-- you know this is for the best.” Cupid: “Yeah, right.” Sal: “Excuse me. Coming through, coming through.” Man: “Hey, watch who you’re pushing.” Sal [Interrupting]: “I’m not butting in. Don’t worry. I’m not butting in. Message for the lady. Ooh-- great flowers, by the way. Aphrodite, this is for you.” Psyche’s Voice: “Who’s there?” Sal: “A friend of your father’s-- he sent for ya. You look lovely today, my dear.” H: “Salmoneus, what are you up to?” Man’s Voice: “There she is.” Cupid: “I can’t.” Sal: “Me? Up to something? Hey!” Man’s Voice: “Take my flowers, Psyche.” Aph: “You muffinhead! Give me that!” Psyche: “Hercules!” Men’s Voices: “Step aside, buffoon!” H: “Gentlemen. Gentlemen! This is-- no way! To prove your love!” Cupid: “Mom!” H: Psyche.” Psyche: “Get away! Hercules!” H: “Oh, Psyche.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] Psyche: “Are you all right, Hercules?!” H: “Never better.” Psyche: “Hercules! The-the-these men are trying to hurt you!” H: “They are? Oh-oh, yeah.” [Fight] H: “Are you all right?” Psyche: “I’m fine, but-- but you’re gonna get-- !” H: “Huh. Hello, Psyche.” Psyche: “Oh-- what is it, Hercules?” H: “Aw-- wish I could find the words to tell you how beautiful I think you are, but-- all I can say right now is-- I love you. Hmm.” Cupid: “That’s it! I quit!” Aph: “Cupid! Cupid, come back here!” Sal: [Clears throat] Psyche: “What’s come over you?” H: “It’s the most wonderful feeling I’ve ever had.” Sal: “Excuse me?” Psyche: “But-- but-- earlier today, you couldn’t-- wait to get away from me, and-- and-and now-- ” H [Interrupting]: “-- and now, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.” Sal [Whistles]: “Fine-- be that way. I got somebody special in my life too, you know. Goodbye! Huh-huh!” Psyche: “This is like-- a dream come true. Meet me in an hour?” H: “What’re you gonna do?” Psyche: “Make myself beautiful for you.” H: “Hmm. Huh.” [Sighs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “Aphro-_di_te? Where are you, my passion flower? I’ve come ta [sic] pluck your petal! Ah! Ow! Ohh-- look at that. It’s exquisite craftsmanship-- might be an heirloom. Well-- if you can’t hold a beautiful woman-- at least you can hold something that _might_ make some money. Chk-chk-chk.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Thugs’ Voices: “Wish Cupid would lighten up!” “All he does is pace, pace, pace!” “Boring!” “We should party!” “Yeah-- party!” Cupid: “What do you want?” Aph: “To-- apologize? Hercules was right; you’re not a little kid, anymore.” Cupid: “I don’t believe it-- did Tartarus freeze over?” Aph: “All right, all right. Don’t-- press your luck. Look, I know you don’t wanna hear this, but what happened back there is probably for the best. You and Psyche never would have worked out.” Cupid: “How do you know?” Aph: “Because Psyche is mortal. And-- mortals are like plums. You know? They taste great for a while, but-- uh! Before you know it-- prunes.” Cupid: “Let me tell you something-- Mom. I can’t imagine living another day without Psyche.” Aph [Sighs]: “Look, Cupid, I know I haven’t been much of a mother. But if you try to _win_ this girl’s love-- you’ll feel a jealousy so strong-- it’ll change you-- all right? Big time.” Cupid: “Jealousy, huh? Oh, that’s rich, coming from you. You’re the one who’s jealous-- because everyone’s talking about Psyche instead of you. ‘Course-- it’s even worse, ‘cause she’s mortal.” Aph: “Just stay away from her, Cupid-- please.” Cupid: “No. I’ve got a better idea-- Mom. Why don’t you-- stay out of my life?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “Enter, oh vixen of vixen. [Prrrrrrrr] Hercules?! Uh-- I was just-- taking a nap. Hope I hid the handcuffs.” H: “Do you-- normally-- nap in those?” Sal: “Yeah-- very stylish, don’t you think?” H: “Yeah. Uh-- it’s quite a place you’ve got here.” Sal: “Ha-ha-ha-- decorated it myself. Huh-huh. I don’t mean to be rude, but shouldn’t you be off somewhere-- you know? Making the world safe for those of us who are lovers, not fighters?” H: “Uh-- no, that can wait. See, I saw these flowers outside and I was wondering if-- ” Sal: “Take them-- with my compliments.” H: “Really?” Sal: “Yeah-- if you could just kind of-- ” H: “Sure.” Sal: “Oh, wait a moment. Wait, wait, wait. You know Aphrodite, don’t you?” H: “Oh, she is my half-sister, yeah.” Sal: “Yeah. Well, with all-due respect, she has a reputation of being a little, uh-- whoo! Huh! And I have it on good authority she’s hot for my body.” H: [Chuckles] Sal: “Don’t-- laugh. Now my question is this-- should I play hard to get? Or should I let her have her way with me? What d’ya think?” H: “I think I’m leaving. Here.” Sal: “What? Not fresh enough?” H: “No, I just-- had a-- better idea.” Sal: “Huh-huh. Aphro-_di_te.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Psyche: “You’ve made me _so_ happy.” H: “Good. I-- hope this makes you even happier.” Psyche: “What is it?” H: “It’s a, uh-- it’s a-- it’s a poem. I-- I it wrote for you.” Psyche: “Hercules, that’s so sweet.” H: “Well-- what’s all this?” Psyche: “Well-- I know it’s a lot, but-- if I’m going to meet your parents, I-- ” H: “My parents?” Psyche: “Yes-- you were on your way to see them? I decided to come along and-- find out all those things that you’re just a little bit too modest to tell me.” H: “Um-- but I thought we would-- ” Psyche: “Listen-- we can talk about-- things-- on the way. Let’s go tell my father the good news.” H: “Hmm-- yeah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Hol: “Well, uh-- there’s only one thing I can say. Welcome to the family, Hercules.” H: “Thanks. And may I call you, ‘Dad’?” Hol: “Well, I’d be honored. I couldn’t wish for anyone better.” Psyche: “So-- I can’t wait to travel the world with _you_, Hercules. And you know with _me_ at your side, you’ll be able to help more people than ever.” H: “Whoa, slow down, Psyche. Those days are over, now.” Psyche: “And then you can-- what did you say?” H: “Well-- uh, no, we’re gonna stay here. No, we’ll get married, we’ll put down roots, have a family-- isn’t that what you always wanted?” Psyche: “No-- but, you can’t do that, anyway. You’re a hero.” H: “Look-- e-everything I do-- will be to please you. I’ll-I’ll cut down my hours; I’ll travel less. I’ll be the best husband there ever was.” Psyche: “Tell me I’m dreaming.” H: “We both are-- and I hope we never wake up.” Psyche [Screams]: “Hercules!” [Screams] H: “Psyche!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] H: “Psyche!” Hol: “My little girl! Hercules! You gotta save her!” H: “I will!” Hol: “But, what is that thing?!” H: “I have no idea, but I’m gonna find out!” Hol: “Wh-wh-what’re you gonna do with that?!” H: “I’m gonna give it to Psyche as soon as I find her.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Psyche [Screams]: “Oh, don’t hurt me! Please, I’m begging! Uh?! What-- what’s going on?! Who are you?!” Cupid: “I-I’m Cupid.” Psyche: “No, you’re not. You’re-- you’re some kind ’a monster! I-I saw you! You’re--” Cupid: “You’re wasting your time. There’s no way out.” Psyche: “Don’t come any closer, please. Just-- ” Cupid: “Look, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I don’t bite.” Psyche: “If you’re so nice, then-- why don’t you let me go?” Cupid: “‘Cause you’d just run back to Hercules.” Psyche: “You’re right. I-I would. He wants to marry me.” Cupid: “Yeah, well-- I’m not surprised. It was my arrow that made him fall in love with you.” Psyche: “It was? Well-- it’s too bad for you, because-- I’ll bet he’s on his way here right now to rescue me.” Cupid: “Yeah-- I bet. Look, there’s someone I’ve gotta see. Uh-- I’ll be back in a while.” Psyche: “You mean-- you’re leaving me here all alone?!” Cupid: “Don’t worry-- I’d never do anything to hurt you-- OK?” Psyche: “You wouldn’t?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph: “Herc! I need to talk to you!” H: “Yeah-- I’m busy.” Aph: “I know what just happened.” H: “You know what happened.” Aph: “Yeah-- that monster who just ran off with your new girlfriend? It’s my darling boy.” H: “Cupid-- that monster was Cupid.” Aph: “Yeah.” H: “Since when did he start lookin’ like that?” Aph: “It’s a gnarly curse, dude. Whenever he feels a pain of unrequited love with a mortal, he-- turns into this green-eyed monster.” H: “Where’d he take her?” Aph: “I don’t know. My guess is Hephaestus’ old cathedral? The place is a total bummer, but he always liked it. Go figure.” H: “Let’s figure out something out here, first. I fell in love with Psyche because Cupid hit me with one of his arrows-- by mistake, right?” Aph: “Yeah-- exactly-- lover boy.” H: “Cute-- which one of the gods put this curse on him.” Aph: “Old cowface-- who else?” H: “Hera.” Aph: “Yeah. She got jealous because I stole one of her boyfriends. He wasn’t even that cute. Anyway, she knew that she’d never be as beautiful as me, so-- ” H: “So, she punished Cupid.” Aph: “Yeah.” H: “But it’s not permanent.” Aph: “Not the first two times, but if it happens again-- ” H: “-- three strikes and he’s out.” Aph: “Yeah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Men’s Voices: “Am I good, or what?! Bull’s-eye!” Cupid: “Hey, you guys. Quit horsing around.” Man: “Horsin’ around? Hey, we’re not Centaurs.” A Man’s Voice: “Centaurs.” Cupid: “Very funny. I’ve got a job for you two chuckleheads. Are we listening?” Thugs: “Mm-hmm. Yeah.” Cupid: “Good. I want you to go back to Malidon; I’ve left my bow there. Find it.” Man: “What about the rest of us?” Cupid: “The rest of you, keep your eyes open. Stay sharp.” Man: “Trouble?” Cupid: “Yeah, Hercules.” Men: “Oooh!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph’s Voice: “I know it sounds crazy, but at the time it was a really good idea.” H: “Hmm.” Aph: “Come on. Think about it, HerK. Cupid’s arrow hits Psyche-- she falls for the sex-starved florist-- what’s his name?” H’s Voice: “Salmoneus.” Aph’s Voice: “Right. Anyway-- fast-forward a couple ’a years-- Psyche’s a _fat_, happy housewife-- Cupid’s over her, and everybody wins.” H’s Voice: “Nobody more than you.” Aph’s Voice: “Come on Herc, if the arrow had just _hit_ her-- ” Aph: “-- everything would be fine.” H: “You _can’t_ play with people’s lives like that! And I can’t walk away, not knowing that Psyche’s safe. I mean, once I’m sure, then I promise I’ll leave, and I’ll never see her again.” Aph: [Laughs] H: “What?” Aph: “Hello? If you think that you can escape Cupid’s arrow, I’ve got news for you. Nobody is that strong.” H: “I am.” Aph: “OK-- let’s put it to the test. Uh-- whatever I say, you say the first thing that comes to your head, OK?” H: “Fine.” Aph: “All right. Sun.” H: “Moon.” Aph: “Bread.” H: “Butter.” Aph: “Psyche.” H: “Smart. Funny. Sexy. Perfect. Hmm.” Aph: “OK-- you stay here. I’m gonna go save my son.” H: “Oh-- I’m goin’ with you.” Aph: “Bet I get there first.” H: “I _hate_ it when she does that.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Thugs’ Voices: “Heh-heh! Party down with us, Sister!” “Yeah-- you’ll live here till ya die!” Cupid: “What do you think you’re _doing_? I never told anyone to treat her like this. Get outta here.” Thug’s Voice: “Party-pooper!” Psyce: “Y’know, I don’t-I do-- I don’t believe this. For years, people have been telling me-- how _nice_ you are, and-- you’re just-- you’re just as much of an animal as they are!” Cupid: “I’m sorry. They didn’t hurt you, did they?” Psyche: “What do you care _what_ they did to me?” Cupid: “Well, I care a lot. I mean-- I know what it’s like to feel trapped. When I was a kid-- I used to come out here a lot, because-- it was the only place I knew of that I could get away from my mother.” Psyche: “Then why don’t you let me go?” Cupid: “I can’t.” Psyche: “Why?” Cupid: “I’m sorry-- I just can’t. I don’t wanna lose you.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cupid: “If you’ve come for Psyche-- you’re wasting your time.” Aph: “I _told_ you there’d be problems. You should have listened to me.” Cupid: “No, you listen to me, Mom. I love her, and I am _not_ letting her go.” Aph: “OK-- I guess it’s time to tell you the facts of your life. This thing that happened with you and Psyche-- it’s a curse from Hera.” Cupid: “Thanks for warning me.” Aph: “And, if it happens two more times, you’re this green-eyed monster forever.” Cupid: “I-- I don’t get it. Why-- why can’t I just be like everybody else? All I wanna do is cherish Psyche, forever.” Aph’s Voice: “Oh-- you _really_ are the romantic type, aren’t you?” Aph: “OK-- I’ve got it. Why don’t you get your bow and arrow and shoot her?” Cupid: “No!” Aph: “Yeah! Make her fall in love with you.” Cupid: “No! I want Psyche to love me because she _wants_ to, not because she’s _forced_ to.” Aph: “Oh, that is so sweet-- and so old-fashioned, too, but not a good idea. Now please, let me get Psyche out of here before Hercules shows up.” Cupid [Interrupting]: “No-- you stay away from her, you hear me? Or I swear-- I’ll make Hera look like your best friend.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal’s Voice: “I’m telling ya, it’s one of a kind.” Sal: “This is the bow, that’ll make ya crow. This is the thing, that’ll make ya sing.” 2nd Man: “What’re ya sayin’?” Sal: “I’m saying you need to buy this priceless heirloom for its conversation-piece value alone!” 2nd Man: “Lemme see!” Sal: “Hey-hey-- you can see with your eyes-- not your hands!” 2nd Man: “I wanna see!” Sal: “This is _not_ professional! This is _not_ professional! Huh?” 2nd Man: “I love you, man.” 1st Man: “Uh! Uh! But I’m already committed to a monogamous relationship!” Sal: “I know what this is. This is my reward for a life a virtue and thrift! This is Cupid’s bow. Oh, the riches! Oh, the fame! Oh, the fabulous babes!” Sal’s Voice: “Thank you, gods! I owe you one!” H: “Down, boy.” Sal: “Hercules! Don’t be a spoilsport! Look, I’m sure Cupid has a lot of these lying around! I’m-- I’ll just take care of the love-birds that he can’t get to.” H: “For a price, of course.” Sal: “I have a reputation to maintain.” H: “What reputation?” Sal: “Don’t start!” H: “Not unless you start respecting the power of Cupid’s arrows. They can turn your life upside down, you know? They can-- they can drive you out of your-- out of your _mind_ with love-- make you do things that are _absolutely crazy_!” Sal: “What’s the _matter_ with you?! Take it easy!” H [Interrupting]: “Hey! You need proof, do you? You need some proof-- huh?! Fine. Watch this.” Sal: “What are you doing? Hercule-e-e-e-e-s!” H: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] H’s Voice: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” [Splash!] Sal: “Hercules! You all right?!” H: “See?! Even cold water doesn’t help! Uh-- why can’t you leave me alone?! You are so beautiful. But Deianeira-- is the only woman I’ve ever really loved. Yes!” Sal: “Wh-what is it?! What’s wrong?!” H: “What could possibly be wrong?! I’m a free man! Deianeira broke the spell!” Sal: “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head when you jumped?!” H: “No! This is about my heart.” Sal: “Then you’re all right! You sure?!” H: “Never better! Now all I’ve gotta do is rescue Psyche!” Sal: “All right! Well-- if you _won’t_ be _needing_ me-- I’ll just-- !” H: “Salmoneus! You be careful with that!” Sal: “I’m _shocked_ that you think I wouldn’t be-- _shocked_, I tell you.” H: “Yeah, I’m sure.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Why can’t I ever find the easy way? ‘Psyche, Psyche-- you are so sweet. Without you, life is incomplete.’ Whoa. ‘Before I met you, I was lonely; Now, you are-- my one and-- ’ Herc-- don’t quit your day job. Ah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cupid: “I, uh-- brought you some food. I thought you might be hungry.” Psyche: “You know-- I never knew that gods got lonely, too.” Cupid: “What?” Psyche: “N-nothing. Um-- nothing. Thank you-- for the food.” Cupid: “Oh. Oh.” Man: “Hercules is here.” Cupid: “What? Already?” Man: “Yeah.” Cupid: “He’s even faster than I thought he was. Stay here, Psyche. You’ll be safe.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Cupid: “You shouldn’t have come, Hercules.” H: “Before you decide that, you better hear what I have to say.” Cupid: “We don’t _have_ anything to talk about.” H: “What if I told you, that your arrow didn’t work on me? That I’m not in love with Psyche?” Cupid [Chuckles]: “You’re lying.” H: “You know me better than that, Cupid. I just wanna make sure she’s _safe_.” Cupid: “From what? The green-eyed monster?” H: “No-- from Aphrodite. There’s no telling what she might do. Call off your satyrs.” Cupid: “Sorry-- can’t do that. OK-- get him, boys.” H: “I thought I was your favorite uncle.” [Fight] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph: “Don’t waste your hearing, girlfriend.” Psyche: “Aphrodite.” Aph: “In the flesh. Now, come on-- let’s get you out of this dump.” Psyche: “I’m not leaving until you tell me why you’re doing this.” Aph: “Hello?! I’m tryin’ to help you, here!” Psyche: “No, you’re not! I heard you before with Cupid! I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.” Aph: “I get it. You’re copping this ’tude, because everyone’s been saying you’re more beautiful than I am. [Chuckles] But now that I see you, it’s obvious they’re clueless.” Psyche: “Do you actually _think_ that I _like_ being compared to you? Not being able to go anywhere-- or do anything? And people treating me like I’m some kind of freak?” Aph: “Don’t sugar-coat it, Honey. I’m just here to save Cupid.” Psyche: “But I never thought that you would-- ” Aph [Interrupting]: “It’s a mom thing. Come on.” Psyche: “OK.” Aph: “That was easy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Whew.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Aph: “Here-- drink up.” Psyche: “How is _that_ going to help Cupid?” Aph: “I’m his mother. Would you trust me?” Psyche: “Fine.” Aph: “Hmm. You know, I _like_ you. It’s a shame you’re so-- cute.” Cupid: “She’s not cute. She’s beautiful. Come on, Psyche. I’m taking you away from all of this.” Aph: “Don’t _do_ it, Cupid. You know what’ll happen.” Psyche: “OK, will someone _please_ just tell me what’s going on?” H: “Maybe I can.” Cupid: “Not a chance.” [Fight] H: “Jealousy sure does make a person ugly. This isn’t gonna be fun.” Aph: “Don’t _hurt_ him, Hercules!” H: “Me, hurt him. Please. Ahh!” Psyche: “Oh! Ahh!” H: “Cupid, can we at least _talk_ about this?! I guess not. Psyche.” Cupid: “Psyche. What have you _done_, Mother?!” Aph: “If it’s any consolation, she’s not as old as she looks.” Cupid: “For once in your life, would you give me a straight answer?! What have you done?!” Aph: “I did what any mother would do. I tried to protect you.” H: “Aphrodite-- this is a little extreme.” Cupid: “Mom! You have _got_ to learn to let me live my own life! Oh, Psyche. Oh, Psyche, I am so sorry. I love you.” Psyche: “You don’t have to say that.” Aph: “Listen to her, Cupid.” Cupid: “I don’t care-- what you look like. I know what a wonderful person you are. And-- I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” Psyche: “Oh.” Cupid: “Can I take that as a ‘Yes’?” H: “Uh-- it-- really is love. Aphrodite.” Aph: “What do you want _me_ to do about it?” H: “Come here.” Aph: “Cool idea, big brother! Hey, kids. This is the deal-- courtesy of Hercules. I’ll restore Psyche’s looks [Clears throat]-- on one condition.” Psyche: “Oh-- I’m-- I’m not so sure.” Aph: “Chill-- will you? This is ambrosia. One sip and it’s off to Olympus.” Psyche: “You mean-- you’re gonna make me immortal?” Aph: “You got it, Sweet Pea.” Psyche: “Oh, Cupid.” Cupid: “Oh, Psyche.” Psyche: “Cupid.” Cupid: “Oh. Thanks, Mom.” Aph: “He thanked me.” H: “Uh.” Aph: “What’re you smiling at?” H: “Oh, I’m-- just thinking about those two up there with Hera. It is gonna make her go _crazy_ with jealousy.” [Laughs] Aph [Laughs]: “Yeah-- let’s not keep her waiting.” H: “Hmm.” Aph: “OK, kids. Come on-- let’s go.” Psyche: “Um-- Hercules, I just-- ” H: “You don’t have to say anything. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” Psyche: “Thank you-- both of you.” Cupid: “I, uh-- I owe you an apology. I’m-- I’m sorry.” H: “It’s all right. Just-- don’t-- turn into that green thing, anymore.” Cupid: “Gotcha. Now, you’re so close to being cool. Come on, Psyche. I’m gonna show you Olympus. You’re gonna flip.” Psyche’s Voice: “Bye, Hercules. Bye, Mom.” Aph: “This means I’m a mother-in-law? Aw, how _humiliating_!” H: “Don’t start pouting. You did the right thing. That’s all that counts.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Sal: “Hercules! Help me, please!” Man: “Give us that bow, big man!” H: “Help from them? They look too tired to be dangerous. How did you get up here so fast?” Sal: “I was _motivated_! I was running from _that_!” Aph: [Laughs] Sal: “Ah! Ah! Stay back! She got in front of one of my arrows! Aphrodite-- is there an antidote for this?!” Aph: “No, not really.” Sal: “You sure?!” Aph: “Mm-hmm.” H: “Would _she_ kid you?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------
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