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“Beanstalks and Bad Eggs” 60/401 [TEASER] Alissa: “My, my mother’s name was Leanna. She was very beautiful. I was only a child when she was taken from me. She was stolen from us by a great giant. He said he was taking her to his castle in the clouds, but-- I never stopped searching! Please, Hercules-- find out what happened to her.” H: “I will, Alissa, but-- how do I get there?” Alissa: “The-- there’s a secret way. [Whispers in his ear] Promise me you’ll do this; promise so that I can die in peace.” H: “I promise.” [Alissa dies] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Autolycus [Auto]: “Piece of cake. Ha-ha-ha-ha!” H: “Getting in was the easy part.” Auto: “Now, are you sure this warlord, uh, Otis, has whatever it is we’re looking for?” H: “Well, I-- tracked it to Otis, who-- stole it from another warlord, who stole it from the warlord before him.” Auto: “Ah-- so much for honor among thieves. It gives us _all_ a bad name. Of course, uh, now that you’re part of the gang-- ” H: “I told you-- I tried the direct approach, but the last two warlords-- too many people got hurt.” Auto: “Uh-huh-- and that’s why you needed a, uh-- oh! What was it? Uh-- come on. You know I love to hear you say the ‘F’ word.” H: “I’d rather take on another army. What’s a couple hundred more thugs?” Auto: “Well then, I’ll say it for you. You needed a fffavor.” H: “You’re loving this, aren’t you?” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha. Well, I suppose I do owe you one-- uh, favor, that is. After all, you did give up your fruitless attempt to have me imprisoned, way back when.” H: “Here it us.” Auto: “Oooh-- watch and learn, Hercules.” H: “Why do I do this to myself?” Auto: “Oh, mmm. If the box is moved, or the lines touch-- the weight shifts, sounding an alarm. Ah-- this could be tricky.” H: “So, you’ve seen this before.” Auto: “Never. Oh-ho-ho-ho. Please, tell me you’re after the rocks.” H: “The pouch.” Auto: “Typical. Hah! Can you say-- ‘genius’?” H: “Let’s go.” Auto: “Yeah. That would be a bad sound.” H: “Very bad.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Ah-- Hercules. Wouldn’t the road be faster?” H: “That’s where Otis’ army’ll be. Of course, if you-- gave back the jewels you took, maybe they’d stop chasing us.” Auto: “Moi? Jewels? Please.” H: “Just give me the pouch.” Auto: “Ah, yes, the precious pouch. Nah! Ah-ah-ah-ah! A bean? All that for a bean?” H: “Just give it to me.” Auto: “This could ruin my reputation. King of Thieves raids evil warlord’s vault for-- a bean. Oh! I risk life and limb for a bean! Oh-oh-o-o!” H: “Who knew?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] Auto: “All right, now let me get this straight. You’re going up there to search for someone’s mother? That is, if she’s still alive.” H: “I made a promise.” Auto: “My keen senses tell me there’s something else up there-- something perhaps, um-- of value?” H: “Nothing that would interest you-- so don’t get any ideas.” Auto: “Now I still owe you that favor.” H: “You owe me nothing.” Auto: “I feel obligated.” H: “You’ll recover. Somehow, whenever you’re around, things get complicated-- so please, don’t do me any more favors.” Warlord’s Man: “Thought you could get away, huh?!” Auto: “Well, if you insist-- huh-huh. Yo-ho! He hates it when I do this.” H: “I _hate_ it when he does that.” [Fight] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Uh. Whoa! Bad idea! Look up. Look up. That’s not a whole lot better.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [H defeats bad guys] H: “Autolycus, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into. Then again-- neither do I.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Ah-- a castle. And where there’s a castle, there’s usually treasure. Seems solid enough. Ohhh! Gotta watch that first step. Big castle; big treasure. Big castle. Big castle. Big, big treasure. Lots of treasure. Where’s Hercules when you need him? Oh!” H: “Fancy meeting you here.” Auto: “Hercules! There you are. I was just, um-- I was looking for you.” H: “Well, I’m hear; now, go back.” Auto: “Now, is that any way to treat your partner, partner?” H: “We are not partners.” Auto: “It’s locked.” H: “Not for long.” Auto: “Ah-- just a thought. Maybe we should go in, um-- quietly. We don’t know what’s in there.” H: “Fine-- we’ll do it your way.” Auto: “Always happy to do a favor. After you.” H: “No, no, no-- after you.” Auto: “Big castle; big treasure.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Aahh-- big castle. Ha-ha-ha. Big treausre.” H: “Big chair. We’re here to find Leanna, remember? Or at least-- someone who knew her.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Leanna plays the harp and sings] H: “Uh, excuse me-- maybe you could help us.” Leanna: “How did you get here?” H: “Ah-- I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you.” Leanna: “Oh, it’s just so _long_ since I’ve seen anyone like _you_, like _me_, that-- . But you must leave, immediately.” Auto: “Uh-- but we just got here.” Leanna: “Please-- before _he_ wakes up.” Auto and H: “He?” Leanna: “You don’t wanna meet him, believe me.” H: “Uh-- we’re looking for a woman named Leanna. Her daughter asked me to find out what happened to her. I mean, she’s-- probably very old.” Leanna: “Alissa sent you?” H: “You’re Leanna.” Leanna: “Time goes by very slowly up here.” Auto: “Now, that’s her great-grandmother.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Otis: “200 dinars to hunt down those two. You’ll be paid the rest when you return with my jewels.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “She had a full life. She had many, many grandchildren.” Leanna: “I’ve missed so much, being _stuck_ up here.” H: “Well, then come back home with me.” Leanna: “Home?” H: “Yeah.” Leanna: “I-- don’t touch those!” Auto: “No, I was just admiring them.” Leanna: “Please, just leave! Before it’s too-- late. Come on. Come on!” Auto: “Whoa.” Leanna: “Get out, now!” H: “I am _not_ leaving you.” Leanna: “I’ll be safe, but you won’t!” Auto: “Ah, huh-- perhaps she has a point.” H: “Just, just come with me.” Leanna: “I can’t-- go!” H: “Typhon.” Auto: “You know this guy?” H: “Well, yeah-- he’s one of the nicest-- ” Typhoon: “I’ll kill him!” Auto: “Define ‘Nice’.” Leanna: “Kill who, Typhoon?” Typhoon: “Someone’s after Fee, Fie, Foe-Fum. I smell the blood of a Grecian man.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] Typhoon: “Where is he?!” Leanna: “Where is who?!” Typhoon: “The Grecian man I smell! The nose knows.” Leanna: “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about!” Typhoon: “I wanna check on Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum.” Leanna: “They’re just eggs, Typhoon. And I can’t believe you’re still insisting on those ridiculous names for them!” Typhoon: “They’re not ridiculous! And they’re not just eggs! Thery’re my responsibility! And yours, too.” Leanna: “Oh, you just _love_ to rub that in, don’t you?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “What are you doing?” H: “I’m, uh-- gonna go have a talk with this guy.” Auto: “Huh! You do that; I’ve still got a few good years left.” H: “Wait!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Typhoon: “-- show a little more dedication!” Leanna: “Dedication?! To eggs?!” Typhoon: “But, they won’t _always_ be eggs!” Leanna: “But _you’ll_ always be a grump-- and I’m stuck here until those _stupid_ things hatch!” Typhoon: “And when they hatch, they’ll [?]! They all know you don’t fight!” Leanna: “Ah! Ah!” Typhoon: “Ah-hah! I knew it!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Dummy.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Typhoon: “Come here, you! Why, I oughtta-- ! Ah!” Auto: “Hah! I‘m just a common thief! A common thief with, um-- uncommonly good taste, which is why I chose your lovely-- ” Typhoon: “Son of a-- ” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha. That’ll teach you to toy with the King of Thieves!” H: “Come on!” Auto: “Right behind ya! Hah-hah! Yeah. Uh, we haven’t met. I’m Autolycus. Perhaps, you’ve heard of me?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Uh-oh. Uh-- that’s a nice helmet. Let me guess-- you’re looking for some jewels. Man of few words. I, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go save Autolycus from certain death, and bring back Otis’ jewels. You wait-- right there. Doesn’t like to wait. Too much iron in his diet.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Leanna: “Typhoon, there’s no point in killing him. Just let him go.” Auto: “Yes-- let him go; let him go.” Typhoon: “He _broke_ into my house!” Leanna: “So? He made a mistake! Can’t you stop acting like a bully, just once?!” Typhoon: “A bully? So that’s what I am-- a bully?!” Leanna: “No. Look-- I just don’t want this man’s blood on my hands.” Auto: “Oh, that’s a good inclination, uh, hah-- I’d go with that.” Typhoon: “I try to keep you safe and protected, and you call me a bully!” Leanna: “Oh! You always have to bring that up! The big protector! As _if_, given a choice, I would have chosen you! Typhoon: “And I wouldn’t have chosen you, either!” Auto: “Women-- sheesh!” Typhoon: “What would you know-- thief?” Auto: “Oh, actually, where I come from, I’m considered something of a-- ladies’ man. You see, wooing women is an art. It must be approached with-- masterful skill and sensitivity. She must be engaged and stimulated. She must be cultivated like the little flower she is. She must be taken for all she’s worth-- um, uh-- romance.” Typhoon: “Go on.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Leanna: “Big protector! Huh! He doesn’t know what fear is! If, huh?!” H: “Sorry-- it’s a bad habit. So, uh-- you ready to go?” Leanna: “In a heartbeat-- if I could. I swear, if he barks one more order-- he cares more about these _stupid_ eggs than he does about me. And who would name eggs, ‘Fee, Fie, Foe-Fum?’” H: “Leanna? These are-- Harpy eggs.” Leanna: “You’re telling me? They’re why Hades ordered Typhoon to bring me here.” H: “Hades ordered it?” Leanna: “Our village was plagued by Harpies-- attacking children and old people. Hades agreed to bring the Harpies down to the Underworld-- but he decided the last of the Harpies’ eggs would be safer up here with Typhoon-- what, with his keen sense of smell, and all.” H: “Well, he’s got that, all right.” Leanna: “I was forced to become caretaker of the eggs-- those were Hades’ rules.” H: “For how long?” Leanna: “Until the eggs hatch. Once they do, I’m out of here.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Mime with Auto and Typhoon] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “I can’t take those eggs down to Earth.” Leanna: “Why not? They’ll be safe.” H: “But no one else will be after they hatch. They’re killers. Once you have Harpies, you can’t get rid of them.” Leanna: “Well then, I’m not leaving. I’ll have to stay with them until they hatch. I know what happens when one doesn’t follow Hades’ rules!” H: “All right; all right. I’ll take them down to the Underworld. And-- and, I’m sure I can get Hades to reconsider his rules. Uh-- I’ll get the eggs. You-- get rid of him.” Typhoon [Clears throat]: “I, um-- just wanted to say that you look lovely, today.” Leanna: “Excuse me?” Auto: “Tell her she’s got great eyes, like, uh-- liquid moons.” Typhoon: “Your eyes are-- watery.” Leanna: “What’s that supposed to mean?” Typhoon: “No, I, I-- I mean-- ” Auto: “Lips, lips-- they’re big and luscious.” Typhoon: “You have a _big mouth_.” Leanna: “A what?!” Auto: “The man is a moron. Talk about her legs.” Typhoon: “And a great set of eggs.” Leanna: “Well, I never! It’s not enough I’m forced to live with you. Now, you insult me!” Typhoon: “Insult?! I was trying to be nice!” Leanna: “You call that nice?! Please, don’t do me any favors!” Typhoon: “I give up. I just give up!” Auto: “Try her hair. Tell her it’s, um-- oh, silken, like, you know, um-- like silk. Hey, hey! [Laughs] Oh, landing in a bed of gold. How like me.” H: “Autolycus-- ” Auto: “Huh?” H: “Maybe you should, uh-- get out of there-- slowly.” Auto: “Oh-ho, I’ll get out-- slowly. [Laughs]” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Auto: “Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ahh! Ahh! Oh! Oh! Hercules, get this off me! Ahhhhhh! Eeeew!” Harpy: “Mama.” H: “Did that thing just say-- ?” Auto: “Ha-ha-oh-- no way. Oh.” Leanna: “They don’t look like harpies.” Auto: “Harpies?” H: “Oh, they’re, uh-- harpies, all right.” Leanna: “They’re cuter than the harpies I remember.” H: “Cute.” Leanna: “Who cares about them? I’m free, do you hear me?! Free-- at last!” Auto: “Oh, hay! Shew! Please, scram! Go on kid, you bother me.” Leanna: “Ready to go any time you are.” H: “All right, uh-- let’s-- head to the beanstalk. Wait. Autolycus.” Auto: “Uh-- coming! Love to stay and talk-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Very funny.” Auto: “Hey! My hook. You know, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.” Typhoon: “What in the gods’ names is going on, here?!” Auto: “I hate to break it to you, big guy. You’ve got harpies.” Typhoon: “Fee-- Fie-- Foe-Fum-- Whoa! I’ve waited for so long!” Auto: “Get off of me, you-- ! This isn’t funny, anymore!” Typhoon: “Hey! Who are you?!” H: “You know-- you know-- maybe I should explain.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Guess he didn’t think much of my explanation.” Auto: “Oh, come on, Hercules, why can’t you bend those bars?” H: “Doesn’t make any sense. Must be the altitude.” Auto: “Step aside, Hercules. Let me show you how it’s done.” H: “Do you mind?” Auto: “It helps me think.” H: “Don’t strain yourself.” [Auto and Harpy whistle a duet.] H: “Here-- throw this.” Auto: “Hercules, please-- I’m trying to get us out of here.” H: “So am I. Just-- throw it-- right over there.” Auto: “Oh, isn’t this fun?” H: “Do it again-- further.” Auto: “Ho-ho-- ho-- OK-- not bad. Ha-ha-ha.” H: “I think-- it’s better if you just stay-- right here. Keep you out of trouble.” Auto: “Where are you going?” H: “Typhoon and I are gonna have a little chat.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Hey, Typhoon?” Typhoon: “What are you doing here?!” H: “I just want to talk. Uh-- we can do this the hard way, or we-- . OK, the hard way. You know-- what we have here-- is a failure-- to communicate.” Typhoon: “What do you want?” H: “Well, for starters-- a little honesty-- like, about-- Leanna.” Typhoon: “That woman is impossible!” H: “Wait. So, so you’re gonna lie there and tell me that with all the-- fighting and the arguing, all the bullying-- is because you-- really don’t like her and wish she would leave?” Typhoon: “Well-- ” H: “Come on-- I mean, it’s so obvious.” Typhoon: “Obvious! It is?” H: “To everyone but the two of you. Look, I-- I’m pretty good friends with your brother, Typhon.” Typhoon: “Typhon? You know Typhon?!” H: “Well, yeah.” Typhoon: “I haven’t seen him in so long. ‘I’m a lover, not a fighter.’ That fool lets everyone walk all over him!” H: “That fool-- is in love-- married, and has a slew of kids. That fool is happy; can you say the same? You could have all those things, too. Why don’t you just-- tell Leanna how you feel about her?” Typhoon: “She hates me.” H: “Um-- wh- what do you expect, with you trying to control her all the time?” Typhoon: “Well, you can’t let a woman do whatever she wants.” H: “Why not?” Typhoon: “Well, she might-- ” H: “Leave? You know, the tighter you hold on, the more likely she is to leave. If you, uh-- give her a little freedom to make her own choices-- well, she-- might surprise you.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Leanna: “I’m never gonna get out of here.” Auto: “Thank you. I knew he’d finally see things my way.” Typhoon: “Leanna? You’re free to go. I’ll-- help you gather your things.” Leanna: “Wait, uh, I’ve-- I’ve got everything, already-- sorta. I mean, I-- I didn’t come up here with much, anyway. Everything I have, I got from you.” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha. [Laughs] Oop! Yah. Well, now that that’s settled.” Leanna: “Well, let me say goodbye to Fee, Fie, and-- where’d they go?” H: “The window” Typhoon: “No! No! They’re headed for the beanstalk!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] Typhoon: “Be careful with them!” Leanna: “Yes, don’t let them get hurt.” Auto: “Hurt them?” H: “Don’t worry. We won’t.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Ow!” H: “Pull up the beanstalk! Hurry! We can’t let them get down to Earth.” Auto: “Ah, point of debate. If he pulls it up-- how do we get down?” H: “Yeah-- one, one problem at a time.” Auto: “Well, uh-- I guess they’re gone. I don’t see them anywhere. Hah!” H: “You two. We got-- company, don’t we? Uh, bad company? OK, uh-- go to-- Typhoon.” Leanna: [Screams] Typhoon: “Save him! Please!” H: “Typhoon! Pick up the tail!” Typhoon: “To the moon, HerK!” Auto: “Ha-ha-ha! Nice shot!” H: “Yeah. The Harpies-- they’re gone.” Auto: “Don’t worry, they’ll come back. They always do.” H: “Come on!” Auto: “Oh, come on, Hercules. There’s gotta be a better wayyyyyy!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Ooh! There you are! Got’cha! You’re not gonna give me warts, are ya?” H: “Ah-- come here, you little-- there. Now, stop! Stop it, or someone could get hurt; now, come on.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Auto: “Harpies-- can’t get rid of ‘em. Uh, Hercules, uh-- hah-hah! I’m no expert on beanstalks, but-- this does not look goooooooooood!” H: “Are you OK?” Auto: “Oh, just fine-- thanks.” Typhoon: “Fee!” H: “Oh, wait. I hope this thing is attached.” Auto: “Don’t look! It’s OK-- he’s safe.” H: “Do me a favor. Stay off the beanstalk.” Fee: “Oh? Oh-- OK.” H: “Good.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Harpies: “Hello.” “Hello.” “Hello.” [All together]: “Hello!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Well, I, uh-- I guess this is it.” Auto: “Yep, it’s, uh, time to hit the stalk.” Typhoon: “Leanna? Thanks for staying all these years. I know it’s been hard for you.” Leanna: “Oh-- not really. We’ve had some good times.” Typhoon: “Tell Typhon his brother envies him.” Auto: “Well, it’s been fun-- as far as near-death experiences go.” Leanna: “Uh-- who am I kidding? This is my home. I belong here! Don’t I?” Typhoon: “Well, of course you do. Thank the gods! Oh, Leanna, you’ve made me _so_ happy! And the Harpies-- they need a mother!” Leanna: “But Typhoon, I insist we raise those kids properly.” Auto and H: “Kids?” Typhoon: “Absolutely. No spoiling them. No snacks before dinner. Decent manners. And-- a good education.” Leanna: “And lots of love.” Auto: “Oh, that’ll work.” Typhoon: “They’ll grow up to be _good_ Harpies-- you’ll see.” Harpy: “Uh-oh” H: “OK-- well, if anyonce can, uh-- make it work, that-- would be the two of you.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Well, that turned out OK.” Auto: “Yes-- it wasn’t a total loss.” H: “You never learn, do you?” Auto: “No, Hercules, I need to keep honing my skills. You never know when you might need another-- favor.” H: “Yeah. That reminds me, uh-- thanks.” Auto: “I’m sorry, Hercules. What was that?” H: “Thank you.” Auto: “Think nothing of it. Next time you need the King of Thieves, you’ll know where to find me-- partner. Yoo-hoo!” H: “We are _not_ partners!” Auto: “Yodel-yay-hee-hoo!” H: “I hate it when he does that.”Click here to return to the HTLJ BEANSTALKS AND BAD EGGS page.
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