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BEANSTALKS AND BAD EGGS


“Beanstalks and Bad Eggs”  60/401

[TEASER]

Alissa:  “My, my mother’s name was Leanna.  She was very
beautiful.  I was only a child when she was taken from me.  She
was stolen from us by a great giant.  He said he was taking her
to his castle in the clouds, but-- I never stopped searching!
Please, Hercules-- find out what happened to her.”

H:  “I will, Alissa, but-- how do I get there?”

Alissa:  “The-- there’s a secret way.  [Whispers in his ear]
Promise me you’ll do this; promise so that I can die in peace.”

H:  “I promise.”

[Alissa dies]

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Autolycus  [Auto]:  “Piece of cake.  Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

H:  “Getting in was the easy part.”

Auto:  “Now, are you sure this warlord, uh, Otis, has whatever it
is we’re looking for?”

H:  “Well, I-- tracked it to Otis, who-- stole it from another
warlord, who stole it from the warlord before him.”

Auto:  “Ah-- so much for honor among thieves.  It gives us _all_
a bad name.  Of course, uh, now that you’re part of the gang-- ”

H:  “I told you-- I tried the direct approach, but the last two
warlords-- too many people got hurt.”

Auto:  “Uh-huh-- and that’s why you needed a, uh-- oh!  What was
it?  Uh-- come on.  You know I love to hear you say the ‘F’
word.”

H:  “I’d  rather take on another army.  What’s a couple hundred
more thugs?”

Auto:  “Well then, I’ll say it for you.  You needed a fffavor.”

H:  “You’re loving this, aren’t you?”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha.  Well, I suppose I do owe you one-- uh, favor,
that is.  After all, you did give up your fruitless attempt to
have me imprisoned, way back when.”

H:  “Here it us.”

Auto:  “Oooh-- watch and learn, Hercules.”

H:  “Why do I do this to myself?”

Auto:  “Oh, mmm.  If the box is moved, or the lines touch-- the
weight shifts, sounding an alarm.  Ah-- this could be tricky.”

H:  “So, you’ve seen this before.”

Auto:  “Never.  Oh-ho-ho-ho.  Please, tell me you’re after the
rocks.”

H:  “The pouch.”

Auto:  “Typical.  Hah!  Can you say-- ‘genius’?”

H:  “Let’s go.”

Auto:  “Yeah.  That would be a bad sound.”

H:  “Very bad.”

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Auto:  “Ah-- Hercules.  Wouldn’t the road be faster?”

H:  “That’s where Otis’ army’ll be.  Of course, if you-- gave
back the jewels you took, maybe they’d stop chasing us.”

Auto:  “Moi?  Jewels?  Please.”

H:  “Just give me the pouch.”

Auto:  “Ah, yes, the precious pouch.  Nah!  Ah-ah-ah-ah!  A bean?
All that for a bean?”

H:  “Just give it to me.”

Auto:  “This could ruin my reputation.  King of Thieves raids
evil warlord’s vault for-- a bean.  Oh!  I risk life and limb for
a bean!  Oh-oh-o-o!”

H:  “Who knew?”

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[ACT I]

Auto:  “All right, now let me get this straight.  You’re going up
there to search for someone’s mother?  That is, if she’s still
alive.”

H:  “I made a promise.”

Auto:  “My keen senses tell me there’s something else up there--
something perhaps, um-- of value?”

H:  “Nothing that would interest you-- so don’t get any ideas.”

Auto:  “Now I still owe you that favor.”

H:  “You owe me nothing.”

Auto:  “I feel obligated.”

H:  “You’ll recover.  Somehow, whenever you’re around, things get
complicated-- so please, don’t do me any more favors.”

Warlord’s Man:  “Thought you could get away, huh?!”

Auto:  “Well, if you insist-- huh-huh.  Yo-ho!  He hates it when
I do this.”

H:  “I _hate_ it when he does that.”

[Fight]

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Auto:  “Uh.  Whoa!  Bad idea!  Look up.  Look up.  That’s not a
whole lot better.”

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[H defeats bad guys]

H:  “Autolycus, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.
Then again-- neither do I.”

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Auto:  “Ah-- a castle.  And where there’s a castle, there’s
usually treasure.  Seems solid enough.  Ohhh!  Gotta watch that
first step.  Big castle; big treasure.  Big castle.  Big castle.
Big, big treasure.  Lots of treasure.  Where’s Hercules when you
need him?  Oh!”

H:  “Fancy meeting you here.”

Auto:  “Hercules!  There you are.  I was just, um-- I was looking
for you.”

H:  “Well, I’m hear; now, go back.”

Auto:  “Now, is that any way to treat your partner, partner?”

H:  “We are not partners.”

Auto:  “It’s locked.”

H:  “Not for long.”

Auto:  “Ah-- just a thought.  Maybe we should go in, um--
quietly.  We don’t know what’s in there.”

H:  “Fine-- we’ll do it your way.”

Auto:  “Always happy to do a favor.  After you.”

H:  “No, no, no-- after you.”

Auto:  “Big castle; big treasure.”

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Auto:  “Aahh-- big castle.  Ha-ha-ha.  Big treausre.”

H:  “Big chair.  We’re here to find Leanna, remember?  Or at
least-- someone who knew her.”

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[Leanna plays the harp and sings]

H:  “Uh, excuse me-- maybe you could help us.”

Leanna:  “How did you get here?”

H:  “Ah-- I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Leanna:  “Oh, it’s just so _long_ since I’ve seen anyone like
_you_, like _me_, that-- .  But you must leave, immediately.”

Auto:  “Uh-- but we just got here.”

Leanna:  “Please-- before _he_ wakes up.”

Auto and H:  “He?”

Leanna:  “You don’t wanna meet him, believe me.”

H:  “Uh-- we’re looking for a woman named Leanna.  Her daughter
asked me to find out what happened to her.  I mean, she’s--
probably very old.”

Leanna:  “Alissa sent you?”

H:  “You’re Leanna.”

Leanna:  “Time goes by very slowly up here.”

Auto:  “Now, that’s her great-grandmother.”

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Otis:  “200 dinars to hunt down those two.  You’ll be paid the
rest when you return with my jewels.”

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H:  “She had a full life.  She had many, many grandchildren.”

Leanna:  “I’ve missed so much, being _stuck_ up here.”

H:  “Well, then come back home with me.”

Leanna:  “Home?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Leanna:  “I-- don’t touch those!”

Auto:  “No, I was just admiring them.”

Leanna:  “Please, just leave!  Before it’s too-- late.  Come on.
Come on!”

Auto:  “Whoa.”

Leanna:  “Get out, now!”

H:  “I am _not_ leaving you.”

Leanna:  “I’ll be safe, but you won’t!”

Auto:  “Ah, huh-- perhaps she has a point.”

H:  “Just, just come with me.”

Leanna:  “I can’t-- go!”

H:  “Typhon.”

Auto:  “You know this guy?”

H:  “Well, yeah-- he’s one of the nicest-- ”

Typhoon:  “I’ll kill him!”

Auto:  “Define ‘Nice’.”

Leanna:  “Kill who, Typhoon?”

Typhoon:  “Someone’s after Fee, Fie, Foe-Fum.  I smell the blood
of a Grecian man.”

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[ACT II]

Typhoon:  “Where is he?!”

Leanna:  “Where is who?!”

Typhoon:  “The Grecian man I smell!  The nose knows.”

Leanna:  “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about!”

Typhoon:  “I wanna check on Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum.”

Leanna:  “They’re just eggs, Typhoon.  And I can’t believe you’re
still insisting on those ridiculous names for them!”

Typhoon:  “They’re not ridiculous!  And they’re not just eggs!
Thery’re my responsibility!  And yours, too.”

Leanna:  “Oh, you just _love_ to rub that in, don’t you?!”

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Auto:  “What are you doing?”

H:  “I’m, uh-- gonna go have a talk with this guy.”

Auto:  “Huh!  You do that; I’ve still got a few good years left.”

H:  “Wait!”

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Typhoon:  “-- show a little more dedication!”

Leanna:  “Dedication?!  To eggs?!”

Typhoon:  “But, they won’t _always_ be eggs!”

Leanna:  “But _you’ll_ always be a grump-- and I’m stuck here
until those _stupid_ things hatch!”

Typhoon:  “And when they hatch, they’ll [?]!  They all know you
don’t fight!”

Leanna:  “Ah!  Ah!”

Typhoon:  “Ah-hah!  I knew it!”

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H:  “Dummy.”

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Typhoon:  “Come here, you!  Why, I oughtta-- !  Ah!”

Auto:  “Hah!  I‘m just a common thief!  A common thief with, um--
uncommonly good taste, which is why I chose your lovely-- ”

Typhoon:  “Son of a-- ”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha.  That’ll teach you to toy with the King of
Thieves!”

H:  “Come on!”

Auto:  “Right behind ya!  Hah-hah!  Yeah.  Uh, we haven’t met.
I’m Autolycus.  Perhaps, you’ve heard of me?”

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H:  “Uh-oh.  Uh-- that’s a nice helmet.  Let me guess-- you’re
looking for some jewels.  Man of few words.  I, I’ll tell you
what.  I’ll go save Autolycus from certain death, and bring back
Otis’ jewels.  You wait-- right there.  Doesn’t like to wait.
Too much iron in his diet.”

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Leanna:  “Typhoon, there’s no point in killing him.  Just let him
go.”

Auto:  “Yes-- let him go; let him go.”

Typhoon:  “He _broke_ into my house!”

Leanna:  “So?  He made a mistake!  Can’t you stop acting like a
bully, just once?!”

Typhoon:  “A bully?  So that’s what I am-- a bully?!”

Leanna:  “No.  Look-- I just don’t want this man’s blood on my
hands.”

Auto:  “Oh, that’s a good inclination, uh, hah-- I’d go with
that.”

Typhoon:  “I try to keep you safe and protected, and you call me
a bully!”

Leanna:  “Oh!  You always have to bring that up!  The big
protector!  As _if_, given a choice, I would have chosen you!

Typhoon:  “And I wouldn’t have chosen you, either!”

Auto:  “Women-- sheesh!”

Typhoon:  “What would you know-- thief?”

Auto:  “Oh, actually, where I come from, I’m considered something
of a-- ladies’ man.  You see, wooing women is an art.  It must be
approached with-- masterful skill and sensitivity.  She must be
engaged and stimulated.  She must be cultivated like the little
flower she is.  She must be taken for all she’s worth-- um, uh--
romance.”

Typhoon:  “Go on.”

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Leanna:  “Big protector!  Huh!  He doesn’t know what fear is!
If, huh?!”

H:  “Sorry-- it’s a bad habit.  So, uh-- you ready to go?”

Leanna:  “In a heartbeat-- if I could.  I swear, if he barks one
more order-- he cares more about these _stupid_ eggs than he does
about me.  And who would name eggs, ‘Fee, Fie, Foe-Fum?’”

H:  “Leanna?  These are-- Harpy eggs.”

Leanna:  “You’re telling me?  They’re why Hades ordered Typhoon
to bring me here.”

H:  “Hades ordered it?”

Leanna:  “Our village was plagued by Harpies-- attacking children
and old people.  Hades agreed to bring the Harpies down to the
Underworld-- but he decided the last of the Harpies’ eggs would
be safer up here with Typhoon-- what, with his keen sense of
smell, and all.”

H:  “Well, he’s got that, all right.”

Leanna:  “I was forced to become caretaker of the eggs-- those
were Hades’ rules.”

H:  “For how long?”

Leanna:  “Until the eggs hatch.  Once they do, I’m out of here.”

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[Mime with Auto and Typhoon]

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H:  “I can’t take those eggs down to Earth.”

Leanna:  “Why not?  They’ll be safe.”

H:  “But no one else will be after they hatch.  They’re killers.
Once you have Harpies, you can’t get rid of them.”

Leanna:  “Well then, I’m not leaving.  I’ll have to stay with
them until they hatch.  I know what happens when one doesn’t
follow Hades’ rules!”

H:  “All right; all right.  I’ll take them down to the
Underworld.  And-- and, I’m sure I can get Hades to reconsider
his rules.  Uh-- I’ll get the eggs.  You-- get rid of him.”

Typhoon  [Clears throat]:  “I, um-- just wanted to say that you
look lovely, today.”

Leanna:  “Excuse me?”

Auto:  “Tell her she’s got great eyes, like, uh-- liquid moons.”

Typhoon:  “Your eyes are-- watery.”

Leanna:  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Typhoon:  “No, I, I-- I mean-- ”

Auto:  “Lips, lips-- they’re big and luscious.”

Typhoon:  “You have a _big mouth_.”

Leanna:  “A what?!”

Auto:  “The man is a moron.  Talk about her legs.”

Typhoon:  “And a great set of eggs.”

Leanna:  “Well, I never!  It’s not enough I’m forced to live with
you.  Now, you insult me!”

Typhoon:  “Insult?!  I was trying to be nice!”

Leanna:  “You call that nice?!  Please, don’t do me any favors!”

Typhoon:  “I give up.  I just give up!”

Auto:  “Try her hair.  Tell her it’s, um-- oh, silken, like, you
know, um-- like silk.  Hey, hey!  [Laughs]  Oh, landing in a bed
of gold.  How like me.”

H:  “Autolycus-- ”

Auto:  “Huh?”

H:  “Maybe you should, uh-- get out of there-- slowly.”

Auto:  “Oh-ho, I’ll get out-- slowly.  [Laughs]”

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[ACT III]

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ahh!  Ahh!  Oh!  Oh!  Hercules, get this
off me!  Ahhhhhh!  Eeeew!”

Harpy:  “Mama.”
 
H:  “Did that thing just say-- ?”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-oh-- no way.  Oh.”

Leanna:  “They don’t look like harpies.”

Auto:  “Harpies?”

H:  “Oh, they’re, uh-- harpies, all right.”

Leanna:  “They’re cuter than the harpies I remember.”

H:  “Cute.”

Leanna:  “Who cares about them?  I’m free, do you hear me?!
Free-- at last!”

Auto:  “Oh, hay!  Shew!  Please, scram!  Go on kid, you bother
me.”

Leanna:  “Ready to go any time you are.”

H:  “All right, uh-- let’s-- head to the beanstalk.  Wait.
Autolycus.”

Auto:  “Uh-- coming!  Love to stay and talk-- ”

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H:  “Very funny.”

Auto:  “Hey!  My hook.  You know, it’s all fun and games until
someone loses an eye.”

Typhoon:  “What in the gods’ names is going on, here?!”

Auto:  “I hate to break it to you, big guy.  You’ve got harpies.”

Typhoon:  “Fee-- Fie-- Foe-Fum-- Whoa!  I’ve waited for so long!”

Auto:  “Get off of me, you-- !  This isn’t funny, anymore!”

Typhoon:  “Hey!  Who are you?!”

H:  “You know-- you know-- maybe I should explain.”

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H:  “Guess he didn’t think much of my explanation.”

Auto:  “Oh, come on, Hercules, why can’t you bend those bars?”

H:  “Doesn’t make any sense.  Must be the altitude.”

Auto:  “Step aside, Hercules.  Let me show you how it’s done.”

H:  “Do you mind?”

Auto:  “It helps me think.”

H:  “Don’t strain yourself.”

[Auto and Harpy whistle a duet.]

H:  “Here-- throw this.”

Auto:  “Hercules, please-- I’m trying to get us out of here.”

H:  “So am I.  Just-- throw it-- right over there.”

Auto:  “Oh, isn’t this fun?”

H:  “Do it again-- further.”

Auto:  “Ho-ho-- ho-- OK-- not bad.  Ha-ha-ha.”

H:  “I think-- it’s better if you just stay-- right here.  Keep
you out of trouble.”

Auto:  “Where are you going?”

H:  “Typhoon and I are gonna have a little chat.”

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H:  “Hey, Typhoon?”

Typhoon:  “What are you doing here?!”

H:  “I just want to talk.  Uh-- we can do this the hard way, or
we-- .  OK, the hard way.  You know-- what we have here-- is a
failure-- to communicate.”

Typhoon:  “What do you want?”

H:  “Well, for starters-- a little honesty-- like, about--
Leanna.”

Typhoon:  “That woman is impossible!”

H:  “Wait.  So, so you’re gonna lie there and tell me that with
all the-- fighting and the arguing, all the bullying-- is because
you-- really don’t like her and wish she would leave?”

Typhoon:  “Well-- ”

H:  “Come on-- I mean, it’s so obvious.”

Typhoon:  “Obvious!  It is?”

H:  “To everyone but the two of you.  Look, I-- I’m pretty good
friends with your brother, Typhon.”

Typhoon:  “Typhon?  You know Typhon?!”

H:  “Well, yeah.”

Typhoon:  “I haven’t seen him in so long.  ‘I’m a lover, not a
fighter.’  That fool lets everyone walk all over him!”

H:  “That fool-- is in love-- married, and has a slew of kids.
That fool is happy; can you say the same?  You could have all
those things, too.  Why don’t you just-- tell Leanna how you feel
about her?”

Typhoon:  “She hates me.”

H:  “Um-- wh- what do you expect, with you trying to control her
all the time?”

Typhoon:  “Well, you can’t let a woman do whatever she wants.”

H:  “Why not?”

Typhoon:  “Well, she might-- ”

H:  “Leave?  You know, the tighter you hold on, the more likely
she is to leave.  If you, uh-- give her a little freedom to make
her own choices-- well, she-- might surprise you.”

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Leanna:  “I’m never gonna get out of here.”

Auto:  “Thank you.  I knew he’d finally see things my way.”

Typhoon:  “Leanna?  You’re free to go.  I’ll-- help you gather
your things.”

Leanna:  “Wait, uh, I’ve-- I’ve got everything, already-- sorta.
I mean, I-- I didn’t come up here with much, anyway.  Everything
I have, I got from you.”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha.  [Laughs]  Oop!  Yah.  Well, now that that’s
settled.”

Leanna:  “Well, let me say goodbye to Fee, Fie, and-- where’d
they go?”

H:  “The window”

Typhoon:  “No!  No!  They’re headed for the beanstalk!”

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[ACT IV]

Typhoon:  “Be careful with them!”

Leanna:  “Yes, don’t let them get hurt.”

Auto:  “Hurt them?”

H:  “Don’t worry.  We won’t.”

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Auto:  “Ow!”

H:  “Pull up the beanstalk!  Hurry!  We can’t let them get down
to Earth.”

Auto:  “Ah, point of debate.  If he pulls it up-- how do we get
down?”

H:  “Yeah-- one, one problem at a time.”

Auto:  “Well, uh-- I guess they’re gone.  I don’t see them
anywhere.  Hah!”

H:  “You two.  We got-- company, don’t we?  Uh, bad company?  OK,
uh-- go to-- Typhoon.”

Leanna:  [Screams]

Typhoon:  “Save him!  Please!”

H:  “Typhoon!  Pick up the tail!”

Typhoon:  “To the moon, HerK!”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha!  Nice shot!”

H:  “Yeah.  The Harpies-- they’re gone.”

Auto:  “Don’t worry, they’ll come back.  They always do.”

H:  “Come on!”

Auto:  “Oh, come on, Hercules.  There’s gotta be a better
wayyyyyy!”

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Auto:  “Ooh!  There you are!  Got’cha!  You’re not gonna give me
warts, are ya?”

H:  “Ah-- come here, you little-- there.  Now, stop!  Stop it, or
someone could get hurt; now, come on.”

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Auto:  “Harpies-- can’t get rid of ‘em.  Uh, Hercules, uh--
hah-hah!  I’m no expert on beanstalks, but-- this does not look
goooooooooood!”

H:  “Are you OK?”

Auto:  “Oh, just fine-- thanks.”

Typhoon:  “Fee!”

H:  “Oh, wait.  I hope this thing is attached.”

Auto:  “Don’t look!  It’s OK-- he’s safe.”

H:  “Do me a favor.  Stay off the beanstalk.”

Fee:  “Oh?  Oh-- OK.”

H:  “Good.”

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Harpies:  “Hello.”  “Hello.”  “Hello.”  [All together]:  “Hello!”

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H:  “Well, I, uh-- I guess this is it.”

Auto:  “Yep, it’s, uh, time to hit the stalk.”

Typhoon:  “Leanna?  Thanks for staying all these years.  I know
it’s been hard for you.”

Leanna:  “Oh-- not really.  We’ve had some good times.”

Typhoon:  “Tell Typhon his brother envies him.”

Auto:  “Well, it’s been fun-- as far as near-death experiences
go.”

Leanna:  “Uh-- who am I kidding?  This is my home.  I belong
here!  Don’t I?”

Typhoon:  “Well, of course you do.  Thank the gods!  Oh, Leanna,
you’ve made me _so_ happy!  And the Harpies-- they need a
mother!”

Leanna:  “But Typhoon, I insist we raise those kids properly.”

Auto and H:  “Kids?”

Typhoon:  “Absolutely.  No spoiling them.  No snacks before
dinner.  Decent manners.  And-- a good education.”

Leanna:  “And lots of love.”

Auto:  “Oh, that’ll work.”

Typhoon:  “They’ll grow up to be _good_ Harpies-- you’ll see.”

Harpy:  “Uh-oh”

H:  “OK-- well, if anyonce can, uh-- make it work, that-- would
be the two of you.”

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H:  “Well, that turned out OK.”

Auto:  “Yes-- it wasn’t a total loss.”

H:  “You never learn, do you?”

Auto:  “No, Hercules, I need to keep honing my skills.  You never
know when you might need another-- favor.”

H:  “Yeah.  That reminds me, uh-- thanks.”

Auto:  “I’m sorry, Hercules.  What was that?”

H:  “Thank you.”

Auto:  “Think nothing of it.  Next time you need the King of
Thieves, you’ll know where to find me-- partner.  Yoo-hoo!”

H:  “We are _not_ partners!”

Auto:  “Yodel-yay-hee-hoo!”

H:  “I hate it when he does that.”

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