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“Web of Desire”  Episode 63/404


Pirates’ Voices:  “There!  All right!  Unload those barrels over
that way!  Set it on my shoulders.  That’s right.”  “All of it.”
“That’ll do it.”  “By the gods!”

Nebula [Neb]:  “Hmm.  Hmm.  [Chuckles]  Nice chest we got here,

Pirates’ Voices:  “Yeah.”  “What about the _legs_, Captain?”

Neb:  “Hey!”

Lieu:  “Step aside, ya mongrels.  The island’s deserted,

Neb:  “Good.  When King Zolas realizes we grabbed his, uh--
family jewels [Laughter]-- he’ll have every bounty hunter from
here to Hellespont lookin’ for us.  Unload the rest of it.  We’ll
bury it there.”

Pirate’s Voice:  “Aye-aye, Captain!  Let’s move it!”

Lieu:  “You know I wouldn’t question you in front of the men,
Captain-- but the Charybdean Sea is a known graveyard for ships--
and it’s our only way outta here.”

Neb:  “That’s why Zolas would never look for us here.  Don’t
worry.  If we die-- we die rich.”


Pirates:  “Cap’n!  You better take a look at this!”  “What in
Tartarus?”  “Over here.”  “What is it, Cap’n?”

Neb:  “No idea.  Dig it up.”

Pirate:  “Go on.  You heard the captain.”


H’s Voice:  “Watch the [?]!  It’s about to give!  Bromius!”

Sailors:  “What happened?!”  “Give him a hand!”

H:  “Pull him out of there!”

Cercetes [Cer]:  “You all right?”

Monicles [Mon]:  “Fine.  We’ve stopped the flooding, Captain,
but-- she won’t hold for long.”

H:  “The storm’s movin’ this way, Cercetes.”

I:  “We’re gonna have to make some repairs.  You think we can do
it before the storm hits?”

H:  “Let’s not push our luck.  We’ve already lost too many men.”

Cer:  “You’re right.  We’ll put in and wait for clear skies.
Sorry, Hercules, but Im gonna have to-- getcha back to Corinth a
little later than I hoped to.”

H:  “Don’t worry about it.”

Cer [?]:  “You’re all right.”


Sailors:  “I’m just glad we’re on dry land.  I just hope our ship
survives the storm.”

I:  “Ooh-- spooky.”

H [Sighs]:  “We’re not the only ones here.”

I:  “Yeah.  Somebody’s been busy.”

Paxxon [Pax]:  “Well, well, well.  By the gods!  I, uh-- I think
I _found_ something!”

Mon:  “There’s more.  Over here.  Ooh-- look at all this stuff!
We’re rich!  We’re rich!”  [Cheers]

H:  “They were burying this stuff.”

I:  “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

H:  “Pirates.”

Cer:  “So, where did they go?”

I:  “Heh-- everywhere.”

H:  “And they left in a hurry.”



Mon and Pax:  [Cheer]

H:  “Hey!  Don’t celebrate yet, fellas.  This treasure isn’t

Mon:  “What?!  We found it!”

Pax:  “Yeah!  And finders keepers!”  [Laughter]

H:  “These _chests_ have Corillian seals”

Mon:  “So?!”

H:  “They belong to King Zolas.”

Mon:  “Well, there’s no seal on _my_ bag!”

Pax:  “Yeah-- mine neither!”

Bromius [Bro]:  “Shut up!  Hercules is right.”

Pax:  “Hey listen, tree trunk.  You’re not the captain!”

Cer:  “No, he’s not!  But I am.  We return the treasure, and
that’s that.”

I:  “Hercules?  There’s a lot of equipment back there.  We could
use it to repair the boat.”

H:  “Yeah.  But first, let’s find out who left her [sic] here--
at least why.  We’ll split up and meet back here later.”

Mon:  “I’ll stay here and set up camp.”

Cer:  “Paxxon, Bromius-- come with me.”

Pax:  “Why does Monicles get to hang out and relax?”

Cer:  “Paxxon!”

Pax:  “What?!”

Cer:  “Now!”

Pax:  “Oh, yeah-- lookin’ forward to this.”


H:  “Well, Iolaus.  This is a--nother fine mess you’ve gotten us

I:  “Funny-- very funny.”

H:  “Close-knit crew, huh?”

I:  “Yeah-- like a family.  Remind me never to hitch a ride with
strangers again.”

H:  “Actually, that’s-- pretty good advice.”

I:  “Oh.  Thanks, Hercules.  What in Tartarus is that?”

H:  “It’s, uh-- some sort of cocoon.”

I:  “What for?  Giant butterfly?”

H:  “Somehow, I don’t think it’s gonna turn out to be that

Voice:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”

I:  “How come you’re always right?”

H:  “It’s a-- half-god thing.”

I:  “Yeah.”


Pax:  “Disgusting.”

H:  “Looks like he died defending himself.”

Cer:  “From what?”

Pax:  “Whoa-- it stinks.  Oh!  Oh!  Uh!  Uh!”

Bro:  “What happened to his face?”

I:  “Looks like it just-- melted off.”

H:  “We found something back there’s [sic] a-- cocoon.”

Cer:  “What kinda cocoon?”

H:  “I’m not sure.  I’ve never seen anything like it.”

I:  “Hercules, uh-- you know, what came out of that cocoon could
have-- ”

H:  “It’s possible.”

Pax:  “Aw, you’re kidding, right?!”

Cer:  “I guess we know why those pirates left in such a hurry.”

I:  “Well-- we’re not gonna be going anywhere-- with this storm
coming on.”

Pax:  “Oh, great.  We’ll just sit around and wait for _our_ faces
to melt off.”

H:  “If we stay together-- we’ll be fine.  As soon as the storm
passes, we’ll get out of here.  Let’s bury him.”


Mon:  “What’s takin’ ‘em so long?  My, my--

[Limerick]  There once was a sailor-- named Monicles--
Who couldn’t be rich-- ‘cause of Hercules.
As soon as he left--
I started my theft--

The rest’ll have to wait till later.  Hello!


Cer:  “Somethin’s cookin’.  Monicles?”

H:  “Look what we have here.”

I:  “I guess his pockets weren’t big enough.”

Bro:  “That snake!”

Pax:  “So, where is he, huh?  Maybe he tried to take his chances
without us.”

H:  “I don’t think so.  He may be greedy, but he’s not stupid.”

I:  “Huh-- could have fooled me.”

Pax:  “So-- what are you saying, man?  Huh?  He’s dead, isn’t
he?!  He’s dead, isn’t he?!  He’s dead, and his whole face is
melted off!”

Bro [Interrupts]:  “I’m so _sick_ of your whining!”

Pax:  “But man, he’s dead, his face is all melted off!”

Bro [Interrupts]:  “Grow a spine, you coward!”

Pax:  “Don’t push me, you great big oaf!  Come on!”

H [Interrupts]:  “Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!  Cut it out!  Both of you!
This _isn’t_ helping us find Monicles!”

Pax:  “Find him?  Why bother to find him?  He’s dead!”

I:  “We can’t be sure of that.  Gotta go look for him.”

Pax:  “Oh, I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

H:  “Suit yourself.  Yell if you run into any trouble.”

Cer:  “Bye-bye, Paxxon.”

I:  “Have fun!”

Pax:  “No, I’m not goin’ anywhere.  No-- anywhere.  I’m not--
goin’-- anywhere.  Uh-- uh-- hey-- wait for me.  Guys?  Hello?!”


H:  “Monicles!”

Pax:  “What was that?”

H:  “I do believe-- we have company.”



H:  “OK.  Back up slowly.”


H:  “No, wait!”

Bro:  “My leg!”

Neb:  “Woof.”

I:  “You all right?”

Bro:  “It’s just a flesh wound.”

Cer:  “Well, take care of it.”

H:  “Iolaus-- let’s go!”


H:  “Hello.”

Neb:  “Aw!”

I:  “Nice to see ya again.  How ya doin’?”

H:  “Who are you?”

Neb:  “Who are _you_?!  No, let me guess.  Uh, sloping forhead--
dragging knuckles.  I’m thinkin’ orangutan?  Maybe gorilla?  Ah--
that must be your little chimp.”

I:  “I’m laughing-- inside.”

H:  “We weren’t tryin’ to hurt you.”

Neb:  “Yeah-- right.  Could have fooled me.”

H:  “This is Iolaus.  I’m Hercules.”

Neb:  “Never thought the mighty Hercules would stoop to bounty
hunting.  What’s wrong?  Hero business not paying so well these

H:  “Not as well as piracy, I take it.”

I:  “You stoke the treasure, huh?”

Neb:  “Yeah, yeah.  Look-- whatever King Zolas is paying you,
I’ll double it.  But we have to get out of here now.”

H:  “King Zolas didn’t send us.  We don’t take bribes.”

I:  “Yeah, especially from pirates.”

Neb:  “So, you’re not after me?”

H:  “No.”

Neb:  “Well-- in that case-- I’m Nebula-- captain-- of the
_Leviathan_.  And you boys have come to the wrong place-- at the
wrong time.”


Cer:  “This oughtta stop the bleeding.”

Bro:  “I’m fine.  Let’s go.”

Cer:  “Take it easy.  Paxxon, give me a hand.  Paxxon?  Paxxon?!
That coward-- probably got _spooked_ by his own shadow!”

Pax:  “Boo!”  [Laughs]

Cer:  “Uh!  What in Tartarus are you doing?!”

Bro:  “You jackass.”

Pax:  “Oo-o-o-oh, man-- the look on your face.  Well-- who’s the
coward, now, huh?”

Cer:  “Paxxon!  That’s enough.”

Pax:  “I’m tryin’ to make a point here, Captain.”

Cer:  “If the point is you’re a fool-- you’ve made.  Now, shut

Bro:  “I’m gonna tear your head off.  I’m gonna rip off your arms
and-- beat you with ‘em!”

Pax [Interrupts]:  “Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.  Yeah?  Well, first
you’ll have to catch me!”  [Laughs]

Cer:  “Paxxon-- that’s enough.  I said-- that’s-- enough!”

Pax:  “Who-o-o-o-o-o-oa!”

Bro:  “What was that?”

Cer:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Bro:  “Ah-h-h-h!  Ah-h-h-h!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”


Bro’s Voice:  “A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”


Pax:  “It took Bromius!  Oh, man!  It took Bromius!”

Neb:  “It?! What?!”

Pax:  “I-- I don’t know!”

Cer:  “Hercules-- help me!”

H:  “Hang on, Cercetes.  We’ll-- we’ll-we’ll get you out of

I:  “You ever seen anything like this before?”

Neb:  “I have.  Out of the way.  I know you don’t want him to
keep suffering.”

Cer:  “Please-- anything-- the pain.”

H:  “You better know what you’re doing.”

Neb:  “I do.”

Cer:  “Ohh!”

H:  “Why?!”

Neb:  “Same thing happened to my first mate!  I did everything
that I could, but he died slow and painful.  Get it?!”

I:  “That must be the body we found.”

Neb:  “I did your friend a favor.  Get your hands off me.”

H:  “With pleasure.  Keep talking.”

Neb:  “I landed here with a crew of twenty.  We found something
in the ground and I told them to dig it up.  Whatever that thing
is took them all in less than a day-- because I was curious about
what it was.”

I:  “So, what happened to your ship?”

Neb:  “The hurricane set it adrift.  It’s at the bottom of the
sea by now.”

H:  “Sorry about your crew.  But where I come from, we don’t give
up on people.”

Neb:  “Is that right?  Well, I admire your idealism, Hercules.  I
really do.  In case you haven’t noticed-- the rules are a little
different here.  And by the way-- if I end up like him-- hope one
of you _men_ has the guts to do the same for me.”

I:  “Hercules-- look at this.  What do you think it is?”

H:  “It’s blood.”

Pax’s Voice:  “Blood?!”

I:  “Cercetes must have wounded it.”

Pax:  “And look what happened to him?”

H:  “Did you see it?”

Pax:  “Well, i-i-it was too fast.”

Neb:  “It moves in the shadows.  We never saw it coming.”

H:  “Then we’ve got no choice.  We find it-- before it finds us.”


H:  “This way.”

Neb:  “There.  Something I can help you with?”

Pax Sighs]:  “Yeah, I was, uh, huh-- I was just lookin’ at your

Neb:  “Look-- don’t touch.”

Pax:  “Didn’t they hurt?”

Neb:  “Only the first time?”

Pax:  “What’s that?”

Neb:  “Poseidon’s trident-- keeps the wind at my back.”

I:  “I see you have an Eastern calendar.”

Neb:  “Yeah-- helps me keep track of the seasons.”

I:  “Hmm?”

Neb:  “You’ve been to the East.”

I:  “Well-- that’s where we both learned to fight-- I take it.”

H:  “How long were you in prison?  On your neck, that’s a--
Spartan prison marking.”

Neb:  “Funny-- I don’t remember seeing you there.”

H:  “You could say I gave some people-- directions.”

Neb:  “Well, I bet you did.  Something you wanna say to me?”

H:  “Only that I don’t trust you.”

Neb:  “That’s your problem-- ‘cause until we get off this rock,
you don’t have much of a choice.”

H:  “When we do get off this rock-- you and that treasure you
took are going back to King Zolas.”

Neb:  “If you can get us out of here alive, Hercules-- I’ll think
about it.”

H:  “You do that.”


I:  “Hercules-- this is it.  Looks like the trail ends here.”

H:  “Look out!  That is one-- big-- spider.  Hah!”

Pax:  “Hercules?!  Hercules, don’t leave me here!  Please!
Hercules!  Hurry u-u-u-up!”

H:  “Paxxon.”

Pax:  “Hercule-e-e-es!”

H:  “Paxxon, hang on!  Don’t move, Paxxon!  I’ll be right there.”

Pax:  “Uh-uh.  Hercules-- I’m outta here!”

H:  “No!  Stay where you are!  Come on!”

I:  “Come on!  Paxxon!”

H:  “Paxxon!  This way!  Paxxon!  Stop running!  Paxxon!”

Pax:  “Whoa!  A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”

H:  “Paxxon!  Paxxon!  Paxxon!”



Neb:  “I say we hop on that ship and take our chances.”

I:  “You wanna sail through a hurricane in a leaky boat?”

Neb:  “You got a better idea?”

H:  “Forget the ship, Nebula.  We’d never make it.”

Neb:  “At least, we’d have a chance.  We don’t even know what
we’re up against here.”

H:  “I do.  Her name is Arachne.  She was a queen-- very vain--
very cruel-- very beautiful.  But her daughter was even more
beautiful than she was.  So Arachne threw her own child into the

I:  “So-- the gods put a curse on her, right?”

H:  “Exactly.”

Neb:  “They did a good job, too.”

I:  “When the gods curse people, why can’t they turn ‘em into a
gerbil or a-- hamster?”

Neb:  “Yeah, something we could drop-kick.”

H:  “It’s gonna take a lot more than that to stop her.”

I:  “Well-- as long as we’re blundering around here in the dark,
we’re at a big disadvantage.”

H:  “Arachne moves in the shadows because she’s ashamed of her
appearance.  Light-- is her enemy.”

Neb:  “You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”

H:  “Let’s light this place up.”


Arachne [Ara]:  “Wearily, the rose petals fell when the sun
turned its back.”

Pax:  “Who are you?”

Ara:  “Do you think I’m-- beautiful?”

Pax:  “Yes.  Please-- let me go.”

Ara:  “There’s nothing more exciting than the look-- on a man’s
face-- when he knows he’s about to die.”

Pax:  “Please-- I’ll do anything.”

Ara [Interrupts]:  “Sh-h-h-h-h-h.  I want to give you-- a part of
myself-- something you’ll keep-- deep inside.”


H:  “You’re sure all these tunnels lead through here?”

Neb:  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

H:  “All right.  Keep those torches handy.”

I:  “Don’t worry.  Nothing gets in here, we don’t see it.  We’ll
be OK.”

H:  “Yeah.  Well-- don’t start the barbecue without me.”

I:  “Yeah.  Be safe.”

H:  “You too.  Good luck.”

Neb:  “You too.”  [Laughs]

I:  “What?”

Neb:  “Nothing.  Quite a firm handshake between you two.”

I:  “Yeah, so?”

Neb:  “So, I think it’s great.”

I:  “Well, I’m glad you approve.”

Neb:  “Yeah?  So?  How long you two been together?”

I:  “We’ve been _partners_ since we were kids.”

Neb:  “Oh, ‘Partners’.”

I [Chuckles]:  “Do you ever think anything you didn’t say?”

Neb:  “Oh, life’s just too, um-- short-- to mince words,

I:  “You know?  Nebula-- if you’re tryin to get a rise out of
me-- it ain’t gonna work.”

Neb:  “If I were tryin’ to get a _rise_ out of you-- you’d know

I:  “Ah.  Now I recognize you.  You’re the woman my mother warned
me about.”

Neb:  “Mmm.  [Laughs]  Ahh.”


I:  “Anything?”

H:  “Not a sign of her.”

Neb:  “This doesn’t make sense.  She has to come _through_ here.”

H:  “Something’s not right.”

I:  “Yeah-- like maybe there’s a passageway you don’t know

Neb:  “Look-- this wasn’t my idea.”

I  “You hear it?”

H:  “Oh, yeah.”

Neb:  “But where is it?”

H:  “She’s here.”

Neb:  “There’s _nothing_ here.”

H:  “Look out!”

I:  “Ah-h-h-h!”

Neb:  “Uh!  Uh.”

H:  “Iolaus!  Iolaus!  Behind you!”

I [Interrupts]  [Screams]:  “Hercules!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h!  Hercules!
Help!  Hercules!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”

H:  “Iolaus!”

Neb:  “Hercules!  He’s gone!”

H:  “Then I have to find him.”

Neb:  “No-- it’s over.  Iolaus is dead.”

H:  “You _don’t_ know that.”

Neb:  “I know what it’s like.  My crew was as close to me as
family-- but he’s gone, and he’s not comin’ back.  And we have to
get out of here while we still can.”

H:  “I told you before-- where I come from, we _don’t_ give up on

Neb:  “I know he was your friend-- but I _won’t_ let you get me

H:  “Then go-- I’m not askin’ for your help.  But I hope you can
live with yourself.”


I:  “Paxxon?  By the gods!  Oh.”

Ara:  “The gods won’t help you now.  Your friend felt no pain.
Neither will you.”

I:  “Thanks-- that’s very comforting.”

Ara:  “Do you think-- I’m beautiful?”

I:  “Yeah.  I like bugs.”

Ara:  “So brave-- willing to face death.  You’ll be a loss to
your kind-- but a welcome addition to my family.”



H:  “Arachne!  Get a room.  “Hope I’m not spoiling the mood.”

I:  “Oh, you are.  I was just gettin’ into it.”

Ara:  “Who’s are you?”

I:  “He’s Hercules.”

H:  “I can’t say I’m pleased to meet you.”

Ara:  “Oh, but I am pleased to meet you, Hercules.  Son of Zeus--
who cursed me with this form.  You’ll pay for your father’s

H:  “What else is new?”


I:  “Hercules!  Look out!”

H:  “Ah-h-h-h-h!”


H [Sighs]:  “This is one big web site.”


Ara:  “Where were we?  [Sighs]  Ow!  Ah-h-h-h-h!”

Neb:  “I’m curious.  How long does it usually take you to shave
those legs?  Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-- hah!  Hah!  Don’t bother
getting up.  We’ll show ourselves out.  What happened to you?
Ah.  Ah-h!  Ah-h!”


H:  “Ah!”


Neb:  “Ah!”

Ara:  “Now!  Let _me_ show you  how to damage a face!”


H:  “Hey!  I wouldn’t try that if I were you!”

Ara:  “You won’t kill your own men.”

H:  “Nice try-- but they’re already dead.”

Ara:  “True-- but they didn’t die in vain.  From each death comes
new life.”

H:  “Spreading hatred isn’t much of a life.”

Ara:  “I prefer to think of it as spreading beauty.  The world
will know true beauty once again.”

H:  “You’re fooling yourself, Arachne.”


Neb:  “Ah.  Is this where you usually hang out?”

I:  “Ho.  Ha-ha.  Hey.”

Neb:  “Trust me.”

I:  [Yells]

Neb:  “I prefer to be on top.  Look out!  Where did _that_ come

I:  “You _don’t_ wanna know.”


Ara:  “I _will_ reclaim the throne.  My army, born from the
bodies of these men, will _see_ to that!”

H:  “Sorry-- I’m gonna pull rank.”

Ara:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”



I:  [Screams]

Neb:  “Much better.  Ah-h-h-h!”


Ara [Laughs]:  “I’m quite enjoying this, Hercules.  I could go on
and on for days.”

H:  “Sorry-- but you’ll have to play with yourself.”

Ara:  “No-o-o-o-o-o!  [Screams]

H:  “Well done.”


Neb:  “I think it likes you.”

I:  “You know?  I think what we need-- is a really big shoe.”

Neb:  “Mmm.  Hercules!  Get this thing off of me!”

H:  “Iolaus!  On three!”

I:  “OK-- three!”

Neb:  “Oh!”

I:  “Ha-ha!”

H:  “Oooh.  Overall, I’d have to say this has been a-- very
disgusting day.”

I:  “Yeah.  Hey-- nice throw.”

H:  “Yeah.  Nice assist.”

I:  “Aw-w-w-w-w, thanks, buddy.”

Neb:  “I-- hate to interrupt this really lovely moment, but can
we go, now?”

H:  “Yeah, sure.  Why don’t you, uh-- lead the way.”

Neb:  “Yeah.”


Neb:  “Is it me?  Or are you gettin’ real comfortable with my

H:  “This treasure’s going back to King Zolas-- just like I told

Neb:  “Oh.  Now, why’d you have to go and say a thing like that,
huh?  We go back there; he’ll hang me.”

H:  “I said the treasure’s going back-- not you.”

Neb:  “Oh.  Well-- guess it’s worth a ticket out of that cave.
Don’t wanna see any more of that.”

H:  “I’m glad you changed your mind-- about a lot of things.”

Neb:  “Well-- someone had to save your butts.  Right?”

H:  “Did I, uh-- miss something back there?”

Neb:  “All right!  Let’s get this bucket ship-shape, huh?!
Hercules-- trim the mainsail!  Iolaus-- hop up there and secure
that mast!  I’ll be waiting, monkey boy.”

I:  “Uh-huh.  Oh.  Hoo.  Ah, nah-- you missed nothing.  You know,
Herc?  We should be pirates-- ”

H:  “Hmm.”

I:  “-- the two of us-- swashbuckling!  Yeah-- I’d be good at
buckling swashes.  In fact-- you can call me ‘Golden beard’ from
now on.  Oh, ow-w-w-w!  Oh!  Ooh.  Oh.”

H:  “So what’d you see?”

I:  “Ooh.”


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