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IF I HAD A HAMMER


“If I Had A Hammer”  Episode 68/409

[TEASER]

Sal:  “You all look terrific.  Now everybody should be two
arms-lengths apart-- two arms-lengths apart-- yeah?  The object--
is to create objects of individual artistic expression.  Copying
is strictly forbidden.  Ahh, here comes the guest of honor now.”

H:  “Salmoneus, I got your message.  It sounded urgent.”

Sal:  “What could be more urgent than the burning fires of
creative inspiration?  King Armon wants a new centerpiece for his
museum.  In exchange, he’ll give a fortune to the war orphans’
fund-- minus my small finder’s fee, of course.”

H:  “Uh, how small?”

Sal:  “50 dinars-- a pittance!  Financial remuneration is not
always on my mind.  If we can serve these artisans-- put them on
the map-- and serve charity at the same time, it’s all worth it--
huh?” 

H:  “And after they’re on the map, what’s your cut?”

Sal:  “Uh-- 75 %.”

H:  “Yep.”

Sal:  “And well earned.  If it weren’t for me, these guys would
be painting cows and pastures the rest of their anonymous lives.
I said, no copying, Xerox.”  [Sigh of exasperation]

H:  “Hmm.  OK, this is for art and charity, so you want me to be
a-- judge, right?”

Sal:  “Uh, that, and I want you to pose.  You, my friend, are
gonna be a work of art.”

H:  “I, uh-- I don’t think so.”

Sal:  “I did mention charity?  The home for poor war orphans?”

H:  “Fine.”

Sal:  “They’d like you to take off your shirt.  Uh, it’s more,
um-- expressionistic-- more Herculean.”

H:  “Are you kidding?  [Stutters, then]  There’s-- there’s a
draft in here.  I can’t-- ”

Sal:  “A draft?  You are Hercules, aren’t you?  Yo, I can’t help;
there’s a draft!”

H:  “Fine, fine, fine.”

Sal:  “Just a thought.  Why stop with the shirt?  You know?  They
say the purest form of artistic expression is the nude human
figure.”

H:  “Huh-- forget it.”

Sal:  “Think of those orphans!  You’re talking about a draft!
They’re sleeping under a roof that doesn’t even exist!  Huh?!
Come on!  Be a sport!  Be a hero!  Take off your clothes!”

H:  “Do I at least get a curtain to change behind?”

Atalanta  [Ata]:  “Shy, Hercules?”

H:  “Hey!  Ha-ha-ha!  Ah!  Look who’s here?!”

Sal:  “Oh, Atalanta!  

Ata:  “Hi!”

Sal:  “I hardly recognized you-- with your thighs covered!”

H:  [Clears throat]

Sal:  “Oh.”

Ata:  “Hercules, Salmoneus, meet Curteus.”

Curteus:  “You know Hercules?  How?  You said you were such a
homebody.”

Sal:  “Homebody?!  Kid-- you should’ve seen her at the first
Olympics.  She took-- ”

Ata:  “Well, yes.  Just watching-- was exciting.  Curteus, would
you like some punch?”

Curteus:  “Here-- I’ll get it.”

Sal:  “Atalanta!  [Coughs]  You look more like a school-marm than
a-- female powerhouse, rippling with sensuous-- ”

Ata:  “Curteus likes the soft look.  Guess it’s easier to imagine
me baking cookies than slaving over a hot forge?”

H:  “Baking?  Well, if you can throw a meal together as well as
you throw a javelin, I’m coming over for dinner.”

Ata:  “That was then; this is now.”

H:  “Hmm?”

Ata:  “Look, I’ve spent my whole life being competetive in a
man’s world-- at work, in sports.  And what do I have to show for
it?”

H and Sal:  “Well-- ”

Ata:  “Well, no social life, that’s what.  Guys just think of me
as one of the guys.  So that’s why I decided to change my look.
They’re not interested in the real me.”

H:  “If you think that, then you’ve been meeting the-- ”

H and Sal:  “-- wrong guys.”

Sal:  “Yeah.”

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“Boring.”  “Artists, schmartists.”  

Swillus:  “Hey-- get a load of muscle-lady-- in a dress.  Who
would’ve thunk it?  A smithy-- with a girlish streak.”

Woman:  “Make that ‘freak.’”

Swillus:  “Careful your sweetie don’t crush you when you
snuggle.”

Curteus:  “What do you boys got against Atalanta, anyhow?”

Woman:  “What do you mean, ‘boys’?”

Red-head:  “We had the only smithy business going till she came
along.”

Woman:  “Yeah, with her bleeding heart, free plowshares for the
poor.”

Red-head:  “Free plowshares?  What’s she thinking?”

H:  “What’s this about?”

Sal:  “Oh, no.”

Curteus:  “Excuse me.”

Swillus:  “Thirsty?  We’ll fix that.  [Laughs]  Yeah, cool off.”

Ata:  “Curteus, what happened?”

Red-head:  “Sissy-boy slipped.”

H:  “Uh-- why don’t you guys just back off, OK?”

Swillus:  “Why?  Another defender of the helpless maiden?  You
don’t wanna mess with me and my clan.”

Sal:  “Only three against one?  [Laughs]  You really don’t wanna
mess with him.”

Woman:  “Who says there’s only three of us?”

Sal:  “Don’t get bruised.”

H:  “Thanks.”

Male Voice:  “Finally, a little action!”

Female Voice:  “He don’t look so tough!”

H:  “You know, I-- I can see the, uh-- family resemblance.”

Male Voice:  “Let’s get him!”

[Fight]

Swillus:  “Go-- get in there.”

Ata:  “Not so fast, Sister.”

Sal:  “Yes!”

Ata:  “Come on.”

Sal:  “Now, that’s what I call a work of art.”

H:  “Hey!  Huh?”

Swillus:  “Come on.  Get up, you no-good-for-nothing lunk.  You
let a woman do that to you-- Hey!  Who turned out the sun?!”

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[ACT I]

Ata:  “Good job.”

H:  “I’m, uh-- sorry you got swept up into that.”

Ata:  “Don’t be; I haven’t had so much fun in a long time.”

Curteus:  “Atalanta?”

Ata:  “Curteus, thanks so much for sticking up for me.”

Curteus:  “I never realized you’re so-- so-- ”

H:  “Surprising?”

Sal:  “Athletic?”

Curteus:  “So-- muscular.  I, uh-- I-- I gotta go.”

Ata:  “Wait!”

Sal:  “Forget him.  The kid doesn’t appreciate your womanly,
wonderful, golden gorgeousness-- like I do.”

H:  “He just wasn’t the right one for you.”

Ata:  “Oh, and who is?”

Sal:  “Uh-hum!”

Ata:  “Not you, huh, Hercules.  I know.  Don’t say it.  We’ll
always be friends.”

Sal:  “Uhhhmm!”

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Ata:  “Shoo!  Well, I did it again, Hephaestus.  Stuck my big
foot in my mouth and humiliated myself in front of the world--
and Hercules.”

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Sal:  “Nnnnnno.  Uh, yeah-- well, these oughtta do it.”

H:  “Well?”

Sal:  “Coming right up!”

H:  “It’s about time.”

Sal:  “Ooop.  Here you go!”

H:  “Thank you.”

Sal:  “Let’s hope they enhance the artistic symmetry and flow.
Yes.”

[Artists gasp with awe.]  “Inspiration.”  Look at that!”  “I’ve
never seen anything like it.”

Sal:  “Confidence!  Confidence!  Right.  OK-- now!  Interpret
what you feel.  Interpret what you see-- hmm?  Each result should
be different.  After this, you’re all gonna be famous, huh?”

H:  “Salmoneus.”

Sal:  “Yeah.”

H:  “You’re slowing them down.”

Sal:  “Right.  Now!  Hercules.  A little-- flex!”

H:  “You’re pushing it.”

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-------------------------------

Ata:  “Work always makes me feel better.”

[Cut back and forth between Atalanta’s forge and the artists]

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-------------------------------

Red-head:  “All that racket.  What do you think she’s built?”

Woman:  “If she’s smart-- her coffin.”

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-------------------------------

Ata:  “So, what do you think, Hephaestus?  Good job, huh?  I
always knew I had an artistic flair.  Well, if I can’t have
Hercules-- I guess this is the next best thing.  Forged of fire
and steel.  No blood in his veins.  It can’t disappoint me.  It
can’t hurt me.  It can’t make me cry.  The perfect man.  You’re
like you and I.  Maybe it’s-- my destiny to be-- a living ,
breathing sculpture of-- muscle and flesh-- apart from everyone--
alone forever.”

Woman:  “Oh, so, that’s what she’s been up to-- building her very
own boyfriend!  [Laughs]  Here.  When she gets back-- we’re gonna
stick them muscles of hers and see if they burst.”

Red-head:  “Well, I don’t know.  Swillus said let’s wait till
Hercules leaves town!”

Woman:  “Well, Swillus ain’t here, is he?  Now, get ready!”

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[ACT II]

Ata:  “Hercules?”

Bronze H:  “Hercules?”

Ata:  “Is this a joke?  Hephaestus, is this your doing?  I asked
for the perfect man-- I guess I got him.  Well-- maybe not
exactly what I expected.  Oh boy, this is wild.  You sure look
like the real one.”

Male Voice:  “Atalanta, you here?  I got some horses for you to
shoe.”

Ata:  “I gotta go.  Just-- stay put.  Stay.”

Bronze H:  “Stay.”  [Makes clucking noise]

Discord:  “Yolk for the yokel?  How’s it taste?  Yummy.”

BronzeH:  “Yummy.  Hmm?”

Discord:  “No thanks.  I already had a hearty ambrosia breakfast.
Gotta admit-- old Hephaestus sure does good work.  You look like
Hercules, all right.”

Bronze H:  “Hercules?”

Discord:  “No-- you’re Hercules.  I’m a goddess, Dummy.
Discord’s the name.  I got me some big family shoes to fill-- and
I just know you’re gonna help me fill ‘em-- just as soon as I
unleash you on that-- big-- wide-- world, that is.  Go.  Enjoy.
Go on.  ‘Atta boy.”

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Male Voice:  “At last.”

Sal:  “All right, geniuses.  It’s time for Hercules to pick a
winner!”

H:  “I, I-- I’m sure they’re all wonderful, and-- choosing one
won’t be easy.”

Male Voice:  “I’ve waited for this moment all my life.”

H:  “It’s an eye.”

Sal:  “It’s the eye of Hercules.  It’s-- it’s-- it’s abstract.
It’s-- it sends chills down my spine.  Very incisive, Picassus.”

H:  “I got naked-- for an eye.  Uh, what-- what do you think?”

Girl:  “It’s not like what I draw at home, but I’m sure it’s very
good.”

Sal:  [Laughs]  “Moving on.”

H:  “Forgive me, Davincium, but, uh, uh-- it looks a little--
feminine.”

Sal:  “Don’t be so literal.  These are artists.  Everything is
imaginative.  Everything is completely original.  Next-- Xerox.
Not everything is completely original.  Moving on.”

Sculptor:  “I call it ‘The Ponderer.’”

Sal:  “Yes, you would.  I mean, what else could you call it?
He-- ponders.  Next-- we have that fine young renderer of pop
culture-- Warholius.  Words fail.  Hercules, it’s gonna be a
tough job, but you gotta pick a winner.”

Bald Man:  “There he is!  Hercules!  We need your help.  The mine
caved in.  Some of the men are trapped.”

H:  “Salmoneus, this can wait.  Let’s go.”

Sal:  “No, it can’t!  Hercu- Her-- don-- whoa-- We’re gonna have
a slight delay.”

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-------------------------------

Ata:  “All right.  We’re gonna have to set some ground rules.
For one thing, hay is for horses, not-- for-- Hello?  Hello.
Where’d he go?  Oh, great.”

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-------------------------------

Wagon Man:  “Hercules!  Ah!  Thank the gods!  I thought you were
still back at the art fair.  Anyway, I could use some help!”

Bronze H:  “Help?”

Wagon Man:  “Yeah.  All ya gotta do is-- is grab, and-- and
lift-- like this.”

Bronze H:  “OK.  All right.  I like helping.  Bye.”

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-------------------------------

Bald Man:  “Hurry!  There you go!  Come on!  Help him.  Get him
through.  Quick!  Come on!”

H:  “Is that everybody?”

Bald Man:  “That’s the last of them!  Thank you, Hercules.  We
were lucky you were on hand to help.”

H:  “Well-- glad I could be here to-- to help out.  Now, if
you’ll excuse me, I’ve-- gotta go-- judge an-- an art fair.”

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Girl:  “I just don’t see it.”

Sal:  “Ah, Hercules!  Everything turn out OK at the cave-in?  Of
course, it did.  Why ask?  Let’s get on with this thing, huh?
Artists are so temperamental.  This way.  [Laughs]  You OK?”

Bronze H:  “It’s uh-- pretty.”

Sal:  “Yeah-- pretty.  Uh-- Hercules-- which one of these works
of art-- portraits of a hero-- has touched your heart-- stolen
your soul?”

Girl:  “Excuse me.  I don’t think that’s-- ”

Sal:  “Honey-- stop bothering the artists, huh?  Go stand over
there-- way over there!  Keep going!  ‘Atta girl!”  [Laughs]

Discord:  “Hi-ya, metal-head.”

Bronze H:  “Hmm?”

Discord:  “And they call these monstrosities art?”

Bronze H:  “I kinda like ‘em all.”

Sal:  “He likes them all!  Hah!  But unfortunately, King Armon
only wants one.  Which one is it to be, Hercules?”

Bronze H:  “They’re all so-- ”

Discord:  “Hideous?”

Bronze H:  “Hideous.”

Female Voice:  “Hercules.”

Discord:  “Those things don’t look like you.  They’re ugly.
They’re making fun of you.  They’re not your friends.  They don’t
even like you.  They’re laughing at you.  Destroy them.  I said,
destroy them!”  [Laughs]

Sal:  “Hercules, what are you doing?!”

Bronze H:  “They’re making fun of me!”

Sal:  “Oh, no!  No!  No!”

Bronze H:  “Get out!”

Sal:  “Everybody’s a critic!”

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H:  “Hey, how you doing?”

Man:  “Good, thanks.”

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Bronze:  “Come on.  Making fun of me.  I’ll show them.  Hey,
watch it!”

H:  “I’m sorry, I, uh-- guess I wasn’t watching where I was--
going.”

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[ACT III]

Bronze H:  “You look like me.”

Ata:  “There you are.  Now, why don’t you go with, uh-- Um, hi--
fellas.”

H:  “Atalanta-- who is he?”

Bronze H:  “She-- made me.”

Ata:  “Then Hephaestus brought him to life.”

H:  “Well, uh-- I’m sure Hephaestus-- meant well, but uh-- this
isn’t natural.  Nothing good can come from this.  Will you please
stop doing that?”

Bronze H:  “Will you-- please not do that?”  [Laughs]

Ata:  “Look-- I didn’t ask for him.  OK, well maybe I did, but--
I didn’t realize and anyway, he’s here and-- I can’t send him
back.  So-- I’m gonna have to just make the best of this-- teach
him things.”

Bronze H:  “I want to learn.”

H:  “Oh, I’ll bet you do.  You know, you may not be able to
handle him.  What happened back there?”

Ata:  “It looks like he threw a little tantrum.  No one got
hurt.”

H:  “Yeah, not this time.”

Bronze H:  “I was just trying to have a little fun.”

Ata:  “I’ll keep a closer eye on him.  You’re coming with me.”

Bronze H:  “Bye.”

H:  “Atalanta, this isn’t right.”

Ata:  “Hercules-- please.  I am a big girl.  I finally found
someone who accepts me for me.  Maybe he’s not perfect-- but
neither am I.  Can’t I just enjoy myself?”

Sal:  “Oh, Hercules!  Now, some of that stuff may have been a tad
ostentatious.  But don’t you think destroying everything was a
little over-the-top?  Hercules?  Hercules?  Lerkuhoos?
Herculoos?”

Ata:  “Come on!”

Sal:  “Hercu?”  [Sighs]  There’re two of you, huh?!”

H:  “I’ll explain later.”

Sal:  “I don’t think I have a later!  Those guys wanna lynch me!”

Male Voice:  “-- stepping on my masterpiece!”

H:  “That’s if they don’t kill each other first.”

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Ata:  “Work’s done.  Now-- about that dinner I promised you.”

Bronze H:  “I hope you like mushroom soup.  Ugh!  Ow.”

Ata:  “It’s my favorite.  How’d you know?”

Discord:  “I make it my-- ”

Bronze H:  “I-- I make it my, uh-- business to know all about
you, Atalanta.”

Ata:  “You’re more talented than I thought.  I really wasn’t
expecting this.  I’d better get cleaned up.”

Discord:  “You’re perfect.”

Bronze H:  “Oh-- you’re, you’re-- you’re-- perfect-- the way you
are.”

Ata:  “Am I dreaming?  It’s barely been a day since you were
born, and now this?”

Discord:  “I’m a fast learner, with you to teach me.”

Bronze H:  “I’m a fast learner with-- with you to teach me.”

Discord:  “What did I tell ya?  Miss Lonely Hearts is eating this
right up.  Now, pour the wine.  Not so fast!  Like we practiced.
Remember your line.”

Ata:  “You read my mind.”

Bronze H:  “Uh-- a, a toast-- to the light of my life-- flow.”

Ata:  “Funny-- you don’t drink.  I mean, Hercules doesn’t drink.”

Bronze H:  “This tastes good.”

Discord:  “Careful, don’t blow it.  I do a lot of things Hercules
doesn’t do.”

Bronze H:  “I do a lot of things that Her- Hercules doesn’t do.”

Discord:  “Hello.  Can we pick up the pace, please?”

Bronze H:  “What- what’s your sign?”

Discord:  “No, not that!  Not yet!”

Ata:  “I beg your pardon?”

Discord:  “Be aggressive.  That’s what she really wants.”

Bronze H:  “Ready for dessert?”

Ata:  “Whoa!  Slow down!”

Bronze H:  “Come on.  You know you want it.”

Ata:  “What I want, I don’t hide.  But this is just all happening
too fast.”

Discord:  “Oooh, such a tease.”

Ata:  “This is weird.  I don’t know who’s teaching you your
moves-- but you’ve got a lot to learn about romance, my friend.”

Discord:  “What?!  Talk about mixed signals, the prude!”

Ata:  “Hercules was right.  This was a big mistake.  Go back to
the barn.  Go!”

Bronze H:  “I hate the barn.”

Discord:  “Spoiled sport.”

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Discord:  “She’s under a lot of pressure-- poor thing.  See--
there are some bullies in town that-- wanna do a number on her.”

Bronze H:  “What do you mean, ‘a number.’”

Discord:  “Stomp her-- mess her up-- squash her like a bug.”

Bronze H:  “They wanna hurt her?  That’s not good.”

Discord:  “No-- a real man-- would defend his lady’s honor.”

Bronze H:  “How?  Atalanta would be angry if I leave this
_stupid_ barn.”

Discord:  “Ever hear of the expression, ‘Whipped’?”

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Woman:  “I tell ya, there’s another Hercules.  He attacked us at
her barn.”

Red-head:  “Just as strong, only-- dumb as a stump.”

Swillus:  “Look who’s talking.  Get outta here, you bums!”

Red-head:  “Come on, let’s get outta here.”

Woman:  “You don’t believe us-- fine.  But it really happened.”

Swillus:  “It’s a burden, having all the brains in the family.
Well-- if it ain’t the big man hisself.”

Bronze H:  “I’m here to defend my lady’s honor.”

Swillus:  “What a load of-- !”

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Male Voice:  “Make way!”

H:  “What happened?”

White-haired Man:  “It’s Swillus.  Somebody snapped his neck like
a twig.”

Sal:  “Swillus?  Sounds like that Neanderthal you and Atalanta
fought.”

White-haired Man:  “He won’t be missed.  Probably one of his own
kin did it.  They’re always feudin’.  We’ll get him.”

Male Voice:  “Come on.”

H:  “I have a bad feeling about this.”

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Ata:  “There you are.  Look, I’m, uh-- sorry about last night.”

Bronze H:  “Well, that’s all right.  Tonight will be even
better.”

Ata:  “Listen to me.  I am a woman-- and you are-- a child.
There can’t be anything between us.  Do you understand?”

Bronze H:  “I defended your honor.  I saved you-- from that
bully!  You’re supposed to be happy!”

Ata:  “What are you talking about?  What bully?”

Bronze H:  “Don’t worry.  I fixed him.  He will never bother you
again!”

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H:  “Atalanta!  Are you all right?”

Ata:  “He’s gone crazy.  No, don’t stop him!  Let him get it out
of his system.  He’s not hurting anyone.”

H:  “Unfortunately, somebody already has been hurt.”

Ata:  “I know.  I just found out about it.”

H:  “You wait here.”

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H:  “All right, pal, you and I need to have-- a little-- chat.”

Discord:  “Welcome to the party, Hercules.  I’m afraid the guest
of honor cut out early.”

H:  “Hello, Discord.  Now it’s all starting to make sense to me.”

Ata:  “Discord’s here?  Guess so.”

Discord:  “Too late.  Your [?] flew the coop.”

Ata:  “No.  He can’t control his anger.  He’s a menace to
everyone.”

H:  “That’s what she’s counting on.  I’ll be blamed for all the
trouble he causes.”

Discord:  “I think our little tin soldier’s had enough time to
start doing some-- damage.”

H:  “No!”

Discord:  “Nice try.  Bye for now.”

H:  “Come on.  We’ve gotta find him fast.”

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Male Voice:  “We’ve got them!”

Woman:  “He didn’t do it!  I tell ya!  He didn’t kill our
brother!”

Red-head:  “It must have been that other Hercules!  He’s just as
strong and mean [?]!”

White-haired Man:  “That’s ridiculous!  You’re drunk!  Like
always!”

Male Voice:  “Send her to Tartarus!”

Sal:  “No!  No!  No!  Excuse me!  Please!  Please!  Please!
You’re making a terrible mistake!  They’re telling the truth!
Well, at least part of it.  There is another Hercules!”

White-haired Man:  “How can that be?!”

Sal:  “Atalanta built a statue!  Hephaestus brought it to life!
Huh?!  But, but-- don’t worry-- Hercules is handling it.
Everything is under control.”

Man:  “A killer with the strength of Hercules!  We gotta get
him!”

Sal:  “No!  Don’t!  Don’t!  Don’t!  What?!  What?!  Don’t!”

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Ata:  “I’m such an idiot!  If he hurts anyone, it’s all my
fault.”

H:  “Don’t be so hard on yourself; it’s Discord who’s to blame.”

Ata:  “No, I don’t deserve to get let off the hook.  I should’ve
known this whole situation was trouble from the start.”

H:  “There’s no way-- you could’ve known that.”

Ata:  “I tried to pretend a lump of steel-- was a person--
someone I could care about.  And even worse, I tried to pretend I
was somebody I’m not.”

H:  “You wanted a friend-- someone to talk to-- someone to share
things with.  There is nothing wrong with that-- right?”

Ata:  “Yeah.  And I should’ve listened when a real friend tried
to set me straight.”

H:  “Nah-- you were confused; it happens to all of us.”

Ata:  “Even you?”

H:  “Even me.  Let’s get him.”

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Sal:  “A simple art festival.  Helping war orphans.  What could
go wrong with that?  I guess I found out, didn’t I?”

Man:  “Hey!”

Sal:  “Uh-oh.  From the look on that face, you’re not the good
one, are ya?  Not that you’re not good!  Hey!  What’s a few
psychotic, homicidal tendencies among friends?!  [Laughs]
Speaking of friends, did you know, that I’m one of Hercules’ best
friends?  I mean, the real Hercules?”

Bronze H:  “Are you saying I’m not real?!”

Sal:  “Hey!  You look plenty real to me!  Nice tone!  Atalanta
sure didn’t skimp on the-- the metal and steel when she made you!
[Laughs]  Listen.  I-I-I-I’ll-- I’ll tell you what!  You come
back to the art festival-- and I’ll guarantee that you’ll win the
grand prize.  How do you like that, huh?”

H:  “You talk too much.  Shut up!”

Sal:  “OK.  I’m shutting up.  But if anything happens to me,
Hercules is gonna find out, and, and you’re gonna be sorry, OK?
I’m shutting up now.”  [Screams]

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[ACT IV]

Sal:  [Screams]

H:  “Put him down.”

Bronze H:  “I was about to.” 

Sal:  “Don’t encourage him!”  [Screams]  “Ahhh!  Ohh!  Oh!  Thank
you!”

H:  “It doesn’t have to be this way.  You’re confused.  Discord’s
been steering you wrong.”

Bronze H:  “Discord wouldn’t lie to me!  She’s my friend!”

Ata:  “No!”

Bronze H:  “Atalanta.  I’m sorry.  I-- I would never hurt you.”

H:  “But you almost did.  Let us help you.”

Mob:  “Kill him!  Get him!”  “Which one’s the real Hercules?”  

Woman:  “Who cares?  Get ‘em both!”

H:  “No, stop!”

Ata:  “No!  He’s Hercules!”

Red-head:  “Look out!”

Male Voice:  “Come on!  Everybody, stick together!”

Ata:  “Hey!”

Bronze H:  “You’re coming with me!”

Sal:  “He’s got Atalanta!”

H:  “Salmoneus!  Take care of these people!”

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Ata:  “Stop!  Stop, you’re hurting me!”

Bronze H:  “Oh, I’m not even squeezing hard.  If he held you
twice as tight, you’d like it.”

Ata:  “I can’t help how I feel about him.”

Bronze H:  “I don’t get it!  We’re exactly the same!”

Ata:  “Only on the outside.  On the inside you’re not even human.
I should have seen it sooner.”

Bronze H:  “Yeah?  We’ll see how you feel about me when he’s not
around anymore.”

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Bronze H:  “Stop fighting me!  Come on!”

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Bronze:  “Stop!  Get over there!”

Discord:  “What a man.  Welcome back.  I’ve been keeping the home
fires burning.”

Ata:  “When Hephaestus finds out how you ruined things, he’ll
pound you senseless.”

Discord:  “Unfortunately for you, poor, love-struck Heph is off
chasing after Aphrodite.”

Bronze H:  “Don’t you hurt her.”

Discord:  “Relax, dim-wad, and pay attention.  Hercules should be
coming through that door right about-- now.”

[H and Bronze H fight.]

Discord:  “That’s it.  Kick him when he’s down.  Whoa.  Not bad
for a mortal.  It won’t happen twice.”

[H defeats Bronze H.]

H:  “It’s over, Discord.  Go home.”

Discord:  “Oh, fine.  I was getting bored here, anyway.  Here’s a
little something to remember me by.”

H:  “Atalanta!  Look out!”

Discord:  [Laughs]  “Now’s your chance!  Get him!”

Bronze H:  “I’ve got it.  Help her.”

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Sal:  “Atalanta?!  A dress-- to replace the one that got ripped
to shreds during the fight.”

Ata:  “Oh thanks, Salmoneus-- but no thanks.  I’ve learned my
lesson.  I like who I am-- and I’m never gonna hide that again.”

H:  “I’m glad to hear that.”

Sal:  “In that case-- would you pose for Papyrus Pinup I was
thinking about?  I’m thinking of folding it three ways, putting
it in the middle of a men’s gentlemen’s quarterly scroll.  We
attach it with a caraway seed to your navel?”

H:  “Well, hello there.”

Girl:  “I drew you, Hercules.”

H:  “Let’s have a look.  Salmoneus-- I think we found a winner
for the art fair.”

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