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MEDEA CULPA


“Medea Culpa”  Episode 70/411

[TEASER]

I:  “Oh-h-h-h-- this is the life, huh?”

Jason [Ja]:  “You said it.  I missed you guys.”

H:  “Hmm.  We should take trips like this more often.”

I:  “Yeah.  No fighting warlords-- no slaying monsters.”

H:  “No dinner if we don’t catch something pretty soon.”  [They laugh.]

Ja:  “Whoa!  Looks like dinner’s on me.”

H:  “Don’t be-- so sure about that.”

Ja:  “I’m sorry, Hercules.  This river’s not big enough for both of us.”

H:  “Oh, yeah?”

I:  “OK.  The one who catches the biggest fish-- doesn’t have to cook.  Ah-ho-o-o-o-o!”

Ja:  “All right!”

I:  “Come on, Jason!  Come on, here it comes.”

Ja:  “Yeah!  Oh-h-h!  Ah-ho-o-o-o!  Would you look at that?!  Drop your line.  You don’t have a chance!”  [Laughs]

H:  “Uh-huh-- oop-oop!”

I:  “Whoa!  Holy mackerel!  Huh!  We can eat for week!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Oh!  Oh.”

H:  “I’ll, uh-- take mine extra crispy, please.”

Ja:  “Why do I bother?”

H:  “No idea.”  [Chuckles]

I:  “Yeah-- a little competition never hurt anybody.”

Ja:  “Hmm.”

H:  “I remember a time when it almost did.”

Ja:  “Medea.”

I:  “Aw, come on guys-- we were just kids!”

Ja:  “Yeah, right-- lucky kids.”

H:  “Lucky we were together.”

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Jeeves:  “Your Highness-- presenting Hercules and Iolaus.”

Young I [Y I]:  “Thank you, Jeeves.”

Young Ja [Y Ja]:  “Ah, yes-- yes, good-- my court jester and my chef.  Hercules, I’ll be lunching in the west wing.  And you-- why aren’t you wearing your tights?”

Y I:  “Listen to this guy.  He’s king for a season-- he thinks he owns this place.”

Young H [Y H]:  “He does.”

Y Ja:  “I do.”

Y I:  “Well, sounds to me like you could use a good kick in the royal highness.”

Y Ja:  “You and what army?”  [They laugh.]

Y I:  “Hey, buddy!”

Y Ja:  “Hey, Hey!  Ah-h-h!  It’s great to see you guys!  It’s lonely at the top!”

Y I:  “Oh, yeah-- really-- breakfast in bed-- sponge baths-- I mean, poor guy.”

Y Ja:  “I spent the entire morning in a council meeting.  They want me to impose a curfew for everyone under 18.”

Y I:  “Oh, so you told them to stuff it, right?”

Y Ja:  “No, no, I think it’s a good idea.”

Y H:  “You’re kidding, right?”

Y Ja:  “No, the  council’s right.  It can be dangerous after dark.”

Y H:  “Would you say that if the curfew affected you?”

Y I:  “Oh, here we go.”

Y Ja:  “Yes-- I would.  What’s your point?”

Y H:  “My point is-- that I think you’re more interested in going along to _get_ along-- than doing the right thing.”

Y I:  “Oop-- there it is.”

Y Ja:  “Are you calling me a bad king?”

Y H:  “If the crown fits.”

Y I:  “Gentlemen-- I do believe there’s only one way to settle this.”

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[Cheering]

Guys:  “Move it!  Move it!”

Girls:  “Jason!  Jason!”

Girl:  “What’s going on?”

Y I:  “Uh, a difference of opinion!  The winner of the race-- wins the argument!”

Girl:  “Oh, I hope Jason wins!  He is so cool!”

Y Ja:  “Who-o-o-o!  Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Not a chance, Hercules!”

Y H:  “Come on!  Yah!”

Y Ja:  [Laughs]

Y H:  “Who do you think you are?!  The king?!”

Y Ja:  “Yah!  Yah!  I _am_ the king!”

Y H:  “Give it up, Jason!”

Y Ja:  “You don’t have a prayer!”

Y H’s Voice:  “Hah!”

Y Ja:  “I thought you were the son of Zeus, Hercules!”

Y H:  “Ah-h-h-h-h!  Hah-h-h-h!  Hah!  Hah!  Hah!”

Y Ja:  “Yah!  Yah!”

Y H:  “Ya feel that, King?!  Hah!  Yeah!”

Y Ja:  “Who-o-o-o!”

Y H:  “Hercules is makin’ a comeback!  Who-o-o-o-o!”

Y Ja:  “Come on!  Come on!”

Y H:  “Faster!  Yeah-h-h-h!  [Laughs]  Ha-ha!  I gotcha!  [Laughs]”

Y Ja:  “Yeah!  Yeah!  Come on!  Yeah!  Yeah!”

“Chloe”:  [Screams]

Y H:  “Are you OK?”

“Chloe”:  “I think so.”

Woman:  “Whoa!  Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Girls:  “Go, Jason!”  “Go!”

Man’s Voice:  “Jason won!”

“Chloe”:  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to get in the way.”

Y H:  “Oh, I know you didn’t.  What’s your name?”

“Chloe”:  “Chloe.”

Y H:  “Chloe-- where are your parents, Chloe?”

“Chloe”:  “They’re dead.”

Y I:  “Herc, what’s up?  I had money on you.”

Y H:  “Not now, Iolaus.  What happened?”

“Chloe”:  “The Ghidra attacked my village.  I’m the only one left.”

Y I:  “What’s a Ghidra?”

Y H:  “It’s one of Hera’s little pets.”

Y I:  [Whistles]

“Chloe”:  “Please don’t make me go back there.  Please.”

Y H:  “It’s OK.  You’re safe, now.”

“Chloe”:  “But it’s still out there.”

Y H:  “Not for long.”

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[ACT I]

Y I:  “So-- you think you’re gonna kill the Ghidra-- huh?  Herc, I thought you were enjoying life.  Why do you wanna end it, now.”

Y H:  “Iolaus, what happened to your sense of adventure?”

Y I:  “It’s alive and well, thank you-- and I, uh-- prefer to-- keep it that way.”

Y Ja:  “That was close.  You all right?  Yeah?  Are you sure?”

“Chloe”:  “Yes.”

Y Ja:  “Take her to the palce-- make sure she’s all right.”

Man’s Voice:  “Yah!  Yo.  Yah, yah!”

Y H:  “Looks like I’m gonna have to cut my visit short.”

Y Ja:  “Aw-w-w, don’t be a sore loser-- ya just got here.”

Y I:  “No, no, no, no-- Hercules fancies himself as a bit of a monster slayer?”

Y Ja:  “A monster?”

Y I:  “Yeah-- Ghidra, no less.”

Y H:  “You know, that girl’s lucky to be alive.  Her entire village was wiped out.  If I don’t do somethin’, Corinth could be next.”

Y Ja:  “Well, that settle it.  When do we leave?”

Y H:  “I was hopin’ you’d say that.  I wasn’t exactly looking forward to facing this thing by myself.”

Y Ja:  “Oh-ho, you think I’m gonna let you take all the glory?”  [Chuckles]

Y I:  “What?!  All right-- I’m in!  All ya had to do was ask.  Sheesh.”

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Y Ja:  “So, uh-- where does this Ghidra live, anyway?”

Y H:  “Mt.  Solayas-- it’s all the way across the Arcadian Sea.”

Y I:  “Hey, guys-- I just thought of something.  If we pull this off, we could get famous-- welcome in every town-- free food-- girls asking us to sign their naked flesh-- I could get used to that.”

Y H:  “Well, leave it to you to find the bright side.”

Y Ja:  “Actually, Iolaus has a point-- might give you a chance to give your arm a rest.”

Y H:  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Y I:  “Hold on-- Jason-- I think you’re underestimating my best pal, here.  Hercules has the strength of twenty men.  His arm doesn’t _get_ tired.”

Y H:  “Oh-- oh, you guys _kill_ me.  Listen, I need to brag about all the women _I_ know, like some people do.”

Y Ja:  “Oh, wait a minute.  Do I hear what I think I’m hearin’?”

Y H:  “An echo in your head?”

Y Ja:  “You know what you sound like-- ”

Y I and Y Ja:  “-- a virgin!”

Y I:  “Oh, well, wait a minute-- Hercules?  No way!  Are you?”

Y H:  “Guys-- what difference does it make?”

Y Ja:  “Well-- I think that if you _weren’t_ a virgin-- you would probably _know_.”

Y I and Y Ja [Laugh]:  “Whoa!”

Y H:  “Look-- guys-- I mean, I may be old-fashioned, but-- I want my first time to be special-- I mean, with somebody I care about.  Now, is that a problem for either of the two of you?”

Y Ja:  “No!”

Y I:  “No problem.”

Y Ja:  “No.  No.”

Y I:  “This is great.”

Y Ja [Interrupts]:  “Yeah, it’s respectable.”

Y I [Interrupts]:  “We need them in the world, you know?”

Y Ja [Interrupts]:  “It’s classy.  I wish I was one.”

Y I [Interrupts]:  “I’d do it again if I could.”

Y Ja:  “Yeah.”

Y H:  “Good.”

Y Ja:  “Whew-- what are you eatin’?”

Y I:  “Sh, sh-- wait.  It’s a naked woman-- bathing-- naked.”

Y H:  “How does he know?”

Y I:  “It’s a gift.  Come on.”

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Y Ja’s Voice:  “I thought you said she was naked.”

Y I’s Voice:  “She is naked-- under her clothes.  Maybe she’s lost.”

Y Ja’s Voice:  “Maybe we should offer our services, huh?”

Y H:  “Congratulations, Iolaus, you were right.  Can we go now?”

Y Ja:  “We can’t just leave her there.”

Y I:  “Yeah, this forest might be crawling with perverts.”

Y H:  “Gee, do ya think?”

Y Ja:  “We’ll get a better look down there.”

Y H:  “Guys.  Guy-guys.”  [Sighs]

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Y Ja:  “Huh-- she was right here.”

Y H:  “She must have seen us.”

Y Ja:  “Here-- gone-- ”

Y I:  “Where did she go?”

Medea [Med]:  “She’s right behind you.  Let me guess-- you thought I was drowning.”

Y H:  “Please don’t hurt him.”

Med:  “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t.”

Y H:  “Well-- he’s a little misguided, but-- basically harmless.”

Y I:  “Oh, gee-- thanks.”

Med:  “You think invading a woman’s privacy is harmless?”

Y H:  “I didn’t mean that.”

Med:  “Yeah, what _did_ you mean?”

Y H:  “That-- we’re three morons who owe _you_ a big apology.”

Y I:  “Yeah.  Miss, if you don’t-- ”

Med:  “Shut up!  What are you boys doing here?”

Y Ja:  “We’re on our way to Mt. Solayas.  We’re gonna kill the Ghidra.”

Med:  “Yeah, right.”

Y I:  “No, no.  It’s true.”

Med:  “Shut up!  You know, how do you boys expect to kill a monster when you can’t even get past me?”

Y I:  “She has got a point, guys.”

Y Ja and Y H:  “Shut up.”

Med:  “I think I’ll come with you.”

Y H:  “What, are you kidding?”

Med:  “Do I look like I’m kidding?  Sounds like fun.  I got nothin’ better to do.  Besides, you boys look like you could use a little help.”

Y H:  “Tell you what-- take that knife away from my friend’s throat-- it might be easier for us to come up with a decision.”

Med:  “So-- what do you say?”

Y I:  “Yeah.”

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Y H:  “By the way-- my name’s Hercules.”

Med:  “I’m Medea.”

Y H:  “It’s nice to meet you.”

Med:  “You seem like a pretty decent guy, Hercules.  What are you doing hanging out with those two cow tippers?”

Y H:  “Well, they’re my friends.  Trust them with my life.”

Med:  “Honest _and_ loyal.  Maybe it’s not such a bad thing I ran into you after all.”

Y H:  “What were you doin’ out here all alone, anyway?”

Med:  “Please-- don’t start with that ‘The-forest-is-no-place-for-a-woman’ crap or I’ll puke.”

Y H:  “That’s a pretty big chip on your shoulder.”

Med:  “Let me guess-- you’re just the guy to take it off.”

Y H [Sighs]:  “Just makin’ conversation.”

Med:  “It’s OK.  Let’s just say my stepfather and I had slightly different opinions about the way a good daughter should behave-- so I left.  What about you?  Let me guess-- perfect home life-- you’ve got a dog and a cat-- your mother bakes-- and-- your father takes you fishing.”

Y H:  “For what it’s worth, I don’t really see eye-to-eye with my father, either.  In fact, I’ve never seen him.”

Med:  “What?  Is he like a travelling salesman or something?”

Y H:  “No, he’s Zeus.”

Med:  “You mean-- king of the gods.”

Y H:  “You’ve heard of him?”

Med:  “Maybe you _do_ have the strength to lift that chip off my shoulder after all.”

Y I:  “Well, they seem to be hitting it off.”

Y Ja:  “Yeah, wonderful.  I’m stuck back here with you.”

Y I:  “You know?  Hercules is son of a god.  You’re king of Corinth.  What about me?  What do I got?”

Y Ja:  “You got to have that body pressed up against you.”

Y I:  “She had a knife to my throat.”

Y Ja:  “Love hurts.”

Woman’s Voice:  [Screams]

Y Ja:  “That sounds like trouble.”

Y H:  “Let’s go.”

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[Fight]

Women’s Voices:  [Screams]  “Don’t hurt my baby!”

Man’s Voice:  “Out of my way!”

Y Ja:  “Bandits!”

Y I:  “Come on.  Let’s have some fun!”

Med:  “Nice throw.”

Y H:  “I work out.”

Med [Sighs]:  “My hero.”

Villager:  “Thank you all.”

A Man’s Voice [In Background]:  “Are you all right?”

Villager:  “It’s not bad enough that the Ghidra destroyed our village.  Now it’s low-life scums like those-- they have to pick the ruins.”

Y Ja:  “Ghidra?”

Y I:  “Here?”

Y H:  “We better get moving, guys.”

Mother [Wails]:  “My-- my son!”

Man’s Voice:  “Oh, no.”

Mother:  “My boy!  That monster crushed our house!  Please do something!”  [Cries]

Y H:  “I’m sorry.”

Mother:  “Oh, no-o-o-o-o-o-o!”

Med:  “Get out of the way.”

Boy:  [Coughs]

Man’s Voice:  “By the gods!”

Woman’s Voice:  “It’s a miracle!”

Man’s Voice:  “She’s a healer.”

Woman’s Voice:  “How did she do it?”

Man’s Voice:  “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Mother:  “Oh-ho!  Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!”  [Cries]

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Y I:  “Wow, that was like the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!  Man, I wish you’d been around when my dog died.”

Y H:  “How long have you been able to do that?”

Med:  “How long have you been juggling grown men?”

Y H:  “Ha-- I was born with it.”

Med:  “That makes sense with you being the son of a god and all.”

Y Ja:  “Hey, uh, did-- did I mention that I’m the king-- of Corinth?”

Med:  “With me, it’s different.  Both my parents are mortal.  I have no idea where my powers come from.”

Y Ja:  “Why do I get the feeling that we’re not part of this conversation?”

Y I:  “’Cause we’re not?”

Y Ja:  “Well, then-- let’s-- leave these two gifted people to talk about how wonderful they are.  We’re gonna scout ahead-- if that’s all right with you.”

Med:  “I get the feeling your friend doesn’t like me very much.”

Y H:  “Ah, Jason?  Nah, it’s just his way.  He’ll warm up.  He usually does for all the girls.”

Med:  “Seems like a real charmer.”

Y H:  “Tell you the truth, you’re the first girl to come along who didn’t think so.”

Med:  “I take that as a compliment.”

Y H:  “Can I ask you sum’in’?”

Med:  “Sure.”

Y H:  “Don’t you think your parents-- miss you?”

Med:  “My mother, maybe.  My stepfather can rot in Tartarus, for all I care.  He was jealous of my powers, so he treated me like a freak.  Made him feel like a big man to lock me up.  Said he had to keep his eye on me-- and that was all when he _wasn’t_ drunk.”

Y H:  “Didn’t your mother do anything to stop him?”

Med:  “No-- she was afraid of him.  She had good reason to be.”

Y H:  “Sorry.”

Med:  “You know what’s weird?  Sometimes I wish that I had stayed-- you know?  Stand up to him-- tell him what he did was wrong-- instead of running.  Maybe it wouldn’t have worked, but at least I would have known I tried.”

Y H:  “Still can, ya know?  If I had a chance to tell Zeus how _I_ feel-- I’d take it.”

Med:  “I can’t.  I’m afraid of my stepfather.”

Y H:  “You know, sometimes you have to face your fears to move on, Medea-- but you don’t have to face them alone.”

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Y I:  “Hercules!  Uh!  Long time-- .  So-- she the one?”

Y H:  “It’s not like that.”

Y Ja:  “Yeah, right.”

Y H:  “Mt.  Solayas is a night’s journey by sea.  We need a boat.”

Y I:  “That’s not a problem.  I know a guy.”

Y H’s Voice:  “Medea and I are gonna take a-- little detour.”

Y I:  “Oh, a detour, huh?”

Y Ja:  “Wait a minute.  Where are you goin’?”

Y H:  “She’s just got some things she needs to take care of back home.”

Y I:  “Whoa-- meeting the parents.  You big stud-muffin.”

Y Ja:  “Yeah, it figures.”

Y H:  “What’s your problem?”

Y Ja:  “Well, it was your idea to slay the Ghidra, and now you’re runnin’ off with this girl that you hardly know.”

Y H:  “It’s not gonna slow us down, Jason.  It’s gonna take a while to find your guy, and by the time you’re ready to leave, we’ll be there.”

Y Ja:  “Fine.  Fine-- whatever.”

Med:  “Ready?”

Y Ja:  “He’s achin’ for it.  Trust me.  See ya later.”

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Med:  “-- all right, maybe you could stay for dinner.”

Y H:  “Well, thank you very much.”

Med:  “That’s my house.  The Ghidra!  [Cries]  My mother!”

Y H:  “I’m so sorry.”

Med [Crying]:  “I’m such a coward!  I should have stood up to him when I had the chance.”

Y H:  “You had no idea this was gonna happen.  It’s not your fault.”

Med:  “Yes it is.  I should never have left her.  I should have taken care of her.”

Y H:  “You had to take care of yourself.  You did the right thing.  If you had been here, you’d have been killed, too.”

Med:  “Look at me-- I’m crying.”

Y H:  “You don’t have to be so tough around me.”

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Y H:  “You OK?”

Med:  “Yeah.  [Sighs]  No-- I don’t know.  I know I’ll feel better when we find that Ghidra and slice it open.”

Y H:  “You’ll get your chance.”

Med:  “Thanks, Hercules.  Thanks for everything.”

Y H:  “I didn’t do anything.”

Med:  “Yes, you did.  You gave me the strength to face the truth.  And I could tell you really cared.  No one has before.”

Y H:  “Well, to tell you the truth-- I-- was a little afraid of you when we first met.”

Med:  “The son of Zeus-- afraid of me?”

Y H:  “Sometimes, I get a little, uh-- tongue-tied-- around women.”

Med:  “Uh-huh-- we’ll have to see what we can do about that.”

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Y I:  “Ah-h-h!  Jason!  You know _why_ the boat rocks back and forth?!  So you don’t have to!  Now, cut it out!”

Y Ja:  “Excuse me.  Am I interrupting your beauty sleep?”

Old Sailor:  “A-a-a-ah!”

Y I:  “As a matter of fact, yeah!  What is the matter with you?!”

Y Ja [Sighs]:  “I can’t sleep.  Is that a crime?”

Y I:  “You know?  You’ve been no fun this trip.  It’s like travelling with a rash.  If you’re gonna be like this for the rest of the night, go sleep up on deck.”

Y Ja:  “I’d love to, but, unfortunately, Mr. _Virtuous_ is up there-- losin’ his virtuosity.”

Y I:  “Ah, so that’s what this is all about.  You’re jealous.”

Y Ja:  “Ha-- I am _not_ jealous of Hercules.”

Y I:  “Yes, you are.”

Y Ja:  “What do I have to be jealous about?  I’m the king of Corinth.”

Y I:  “We’re not _in_ Corinth.”

Y Ja:  “Look-- I can have any girl in the land.”

Y I:  “We’re on a _boat_.  Look-- Hercules has always had the strength-- you’ve always had the girls.  Tonight-- Hercules has the strength _and_ the girl.  Need I say more?”

Y Ja:  “No.  No.  I’ve heard enough.  I’m gonna go sleep in the galley.”

Y I:  “Fine.  Sleep in the galley.”

A Sailor:  “Hey!”

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Y H:  “Whoa!  Medea.”

Med:  “What’s wrong?”

Y H:  “Nothing.  Uh-- I just think we’re goin’ a little fast.”

Med:  “Don’t you like me?”

Y H:  “Yeah.  Yeah, I like you a lot.  But we just met this morning.”

Med:  “So?”

Y H:  “Y-y-you’ve been through a lot, today.  And-- I don’t think that _you’re_ thinking clearly, and [Sighs]-- I feel I’d be takin’ advantage of that.”

Med:  “Trust me.  You’re not.”

Y H:  “Medea!  I’m serious.”

Med:  “Ah, I feel really stupid.”

Y H:  “No.  No, look-- i-it’s not you.  I-it’s me.  I don’t think we should be in such a hurry.”

Med:  “Fine.”

Y H:  “Medea-- ”

Med:  “I’m tired.  I’m going to sleep.”

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Y H:  “Excuse me, sir?  Can you tell us the way to Mt. Solayas?”

Wharfmaster:  “About half a day’s hike west-- past the river.  But I wouldn’t go there if I were you.”

Y I:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-- Ghidra.  Big and scary.  We know.  Thank you.”

Y Ja:  “Listen, why don’t you get us some food for the trip.  I’ll fill the goatskins at the river and we’ll meet there.”

Med:  “Jason, wait up.  I’ll come with you.”

Man’s Voice [In Background]:  “No, that’s all right-- ”

Y I:  “Whoa, what was that about?”

Y H [Sighs]:  “I don’t know.  I think she’s mad at me.”

Y I:  “What happened last night?”

Y H:  “Nothing.”

Y I:  What do you mean, ‘Nothing’?”

Y H:  “I mean nothing.  Nothing happened.  I think that’s why she’s mad at me.”

Y I:  “Weird.  Hey, look-- I know we were teasing you earlier about being a virgin and all-- but if nothing happened last night, ‘cause _you_ didn’t want it to-- then you did the right thing.”

Y H:  “I know.  I just-- I feel like we got-- a good thing goin’ on here.  I don’t wanna mess it up.”

Y I:  “Listen-- buddy-- most guys are pigs-- including me.  She’s probably just not used to being around a gentleman.  She’ll come around.”

Y H:  “Hope you’re right.”

Y I:  “Let’s go get some breakfast.”

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Med:  “Jason, let me ask you something.  What’s it like being a king at your age?”

Y Ja:  “Well, it’s not so bad.  I learn as I go, I guess.”

Med:  “Yeah, but don’t you ever feel-- I don’t know-- out of place?  I mean, you’re so young to be cooped up in a castle.”

Y Ja:  “Yeah, it’s not like I have a choice.”

Med:  “My point, exactly.  I mean, most people your age are out-- having fun, doing crazy things-- falling in love.”

Y Ja:  “Yeah, like you and Hercules.”

Med:  “What makes you think Hercules and I are in love?”

Y Ja:  “Come on-- it’s pretty obvious.”

Med:  “If that’s what you think-- then ya haven’t been paying close attention.  We’re just friends.”

Y Ja:  “Just friends?”

Med:  “Yeah.”

Y Ja:  “You sure?”

Med:  “Very.”

Y H:  “Jason!  You bastard.”

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[ACT III]

Y Ja:  “Hercules, wait!  Hercules, hey!  I can explain!”

Y H:  “Don’t touch me!  You sorry excuse for a king!”

Y Ja:  “You’re gonna regret that.”

[Fight]

Y I’s Voice:  “Guys!  Break it up!”

Med:  “Stop it!  Come on!”

Y I:  “Break it up!”

Med:  “Don’t!”

Y Ja:  “Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!”

Med:  “Who do you think you are?!  Oh, come on-- you gonna hit me now, too?!”

Y I:  “Jason.  Jas-- you OK?”

Med:  “I didn’t make you any promises.  If you think you’ve got some kinda claim on me, think again.”

Y H:  “I don’t know what you think you’re doing here, Medea, but I’ll tell ya what-- I don’t want _anything_ to do with _you_!”

Y Ja:  “Hercules, I-- I didn’t know.”

Y H:  “I may be younger than you-- but I’m not stupid.  No matter what she told you, you knew.  How could you do that to me?  And _you_-- ”

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Y I:  “Where are you going?”

Y H:  “Go and finish what I’ve started.”

Y I:  “Hold on.  Hold on.”

Y H:  “Iolaus, there’s nothin’ to talk about.”

Y I:  “Well, I think there _is_.”

Y H:  “Well, what do you wanna hear, man?  That I’m stupid for thinkin’ I was fallin’ in love with her?”

Y I:  “No!  You took a chance-- you got burned!  But that doesn’t make you stupid!”

Y H:  “I thought Jason was my friend.  I can’t believe he did this.”

Y I:  “Look-- you feel the way you feel.  I can’t _blame_ you for it.”

Y H:  “All right!  So, what else do you wanna talk about?”

Y I:  “OK-- OK-- I’m gonna tell you something-- and you’re not gonna like it.  Sometimes, it’s hard to be your friend.”

Y H:  “What?”

Y I:  “Look, I’m no oracle.  There are a lot of things I don’t understand.  But from the first day I met you-- I just _knew_ that you were destined for something the rest of us could only dream about!  People like me-- and Jason-- normal people-- we’ll be lucky if our names are even mentioned in the same _breath_ as yours.  And that is not always easy to live with.”

Y H:  “Why are you defending him?  If you’re gonna tell me that jealousy makes people do stupid things, you can forget it-- ‘cause that’s no excuse.”

Y I:  “No, it’s not-- ”

Y H:  “Well, if I’m just so hard to be around, why don’t you just leave?”

Y I:  “’Cause I’m a better person for _knowing_ you.  Hey, I used to be a thief!  Remember?  And yeah, Jason made a mistake-- a big one!  But if you could just give him _half_ a chance-- you might be a better person for it, too.”

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Y Ja:  “I am so stupid!”

Med:  “It’s my fault, Jason.  I-- I lied to you.  Things weren’t working out with Hercules and I didn’t know how to let him down.  I should never have kissed you.”

Y Ja:  “No, we’re both to blame.  Hercules and I have been friends for a long time.  He was right.  I knew how he felt about you.  I can’t let him fight the Ghidra alone.”

Med:  “Wait.  You’re the last person he wants to see right now.  Besides, we both know he can handle it.  You’re hurt.  I can heal that.”

Y Ja [Interrupts]:  “No.  Don’t-- please.”

Med:  “At least, let me make a poultice.  It’s a really deep cut.”

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Hera’s Voice:  “Boys will be boys.”

Med:  “Hera.

Hera:  “Especially when a pretty face comes along.”

Med:  “Killing my mother was never a part of our agreement.”

Hera:  “Our agreement is whatever I _say_ it is!  And I did that for you.  Your mother turned a blind eye, while your stepfather robbed you of your innocence.  She deserved to die-- as much as he did.”

Med:  “I hated her for letting it happen.  But I never wanted her to die.  I loved her.”

Hera:  “Never mind that.  I’m the only one who can help you-- who can give you the power you want-- _true_ power-- to destroy any man who wrongs you.”

Med:  “I did what you commanded.  I split Jason and Hercules apart.”

Hera:  “But Jason still wants to help his friends!  Only together can they stop the Ghidra!  You must keep him here-- until Hercules is dead!  Then you will have your reward!”

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Y H:  “This looks like the place.”

Y I:  “Are you sure?”

Y H:  “Only one way to find out.”

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Y H:  “Yep-- this is it.”

Y I:  “I think I know that guy.  Oop.”

Y H:  “Hey.”

Y I:  “Maybe it’s full.”

Y H:  “Let’s hope it doesn’t snack between meals.”

Y I:  “You, uh-- you ever killed a monster before?”

Y H:  “Yeah.  The snake, remember?  Ares’ cavern?”

Y I:  “Maybe you should go first.”

Y H:  “What, are you scared?”

Y I:  “No.  Yeah.”

Y H:  “Me, too.”

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Y Ja:  “I can’t do this.”

Med:  “What are you talking about?”

Y Ja:  “I-I feel like I’m running away.  And if I don’t go back, I won’t be able to live with myself.”

Med:  “Jason, don’t!  You can’t!  He doesn’t want your help!”

Y Ja:  “He’s my friend.”

Hera:  “Kill him, Medea!  It’s the only way.”

Med:  “I can’t.”

Y Ja:  “What’s goin’ on?”

Hera:  “Kill him now-- or I will.”

Med:  “It’s Hera.  Jason, run!”

Hera:  “You stupid, stupid girl!  I could have given you _real_ power!  Let me show you what you’re missing!”

Y Ja:  [Screams]

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[ACT IV]

Y I:  “So, where is it?”

Y H:  “How should I know?”

Y I:  “Maybe we should have made an appointment.  You didn’t tell me it has two heads.”

Y H:  “It slipped my mind.”

Y I:  “Anything else you forgot to mention?”

Y H:  “Yeah.  The stinger on that tail-- it’s instant death.”

Y I:  “Anything else?”

Y H:  “Yeah.  It breathes fire, too.  Duck!”

Y I:  “Anything else?”

Y H:  “No, that’s about it.”

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Y Ja [Sighs]:  “What happened?”

Med:  “You’re all right, now.”

Y Ja:  “I don’t understand.”

Med:  “Come on.  I’ll explain on the way.  Your friends need you.”

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Y H:  “You ready?”

Y I:  “No.”

Y H:  “Yes, you are.  We gotta work together here.”

[Fight]

Y I [Yells]:  “It’s gonna blow!”

Y H:  “That’s one tough Ghidra.”

Y I:  “Yeah, tell me about it.  Whoo.  Whoa!”

Y H:  “I think I made it angry.”

Y I:  “Ah, you didn’t tell me it could do that.”

Y H:  “I didn’t _know_ it could do that.”

Y Ja:  “Ah-h-h-h!”

Y H:  “What are you doing here?”

Y Ja:  “I came to help.”

Y H:  “Why should I believe you?”

Y I:  “I believe we could _use_ the help?  See what I mean?!  Whoa!”

YH:  “OK-- you take the _right_ head.  You take the _left_ head.  I’m goin’ up through the middle.”

Y Ja:  “Right.”

Y H:  “Ready?  Break!”

Y I:  “Hey!”

Y H:  “The tail!  Get the tail!”

Y I:  “This is getting personal.”

Y Ja:  “Who-o-o-o-oa!”

Y H:  “I think it’s going very well.”

Y I:  “We’re gaining on him.”

Y H:  “Jason.  Stick the tail!  Jason!  Get it in the gut!”

Y I:  “Yes!  Yeah!  Ooh!  We bad!  Ooh!”

Y H:  “Yeah, you bad, all right.”

Med:  “I know I hurt you, Hercules.  You’re the first guy I ever trusted.  You’re decent.  I just didn’t realize that until it was too late.”

Y H:  “Is that why you came back?  To tell me you were sorry?”

Med:  “No, I came back because I care about you.  And if you still feel anything at all for me-- try to forgive me.”

Y Ja:  “She’s tellin’ the truth, Hercules.  Hera used Medea to turn us against each other.”

Y H:  “Hera.”

Hera:  “Come now, Hercules!  Did you think I would tolerate my husband’s infidelity lightly?!”

Y H:  “That’s between you and Zeus.”

Hera:  “No!  _You’re_ between us!  But if you die a horrible death-- maybe he’ll think _twice_ next time before his eyes start to wander!  Before he fathers any more _half-mortal_ mongrels like you!  And you, my poor girl-- I had _such_ high hopes for you-- but you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep!  That’s a lesson _I’ll_ have to teach you!”

Y H:  “Stay away from her!”

Med:  “There’s nothing you can do.”

Y H:  “No.”

Med:  “I’m sorry.”

Y H:  “Medea!  [Echoes]”

Hera’s Voice [Laughs]:  “I’ll be seeing you, Hercules.”

Y H:  “You can count on it.”

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Y Ja:  “Hercules.”

Y I:  “Oh.  I’ll just-- be over there.”

Y Ja:  “I’m sorry.  She was-- ”

Y H:  “Yeah.  I wanna thank you?”

Y Ja:  “Thank me?”

Y H:  “For coming back.  I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Y Ja:  “Does this mean we’re still friends?”

Y H:  “Even better than before.  You comin’?”

Y Ja:  “Right behind you.”

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Ja:  “When did you _really_ forgive me?”

H:  “Last week.”  [They laugh.]

I:  “Yeah.  Well, I wasn’t sure you guys would get over that.”

Ja:  “I guess we were both-- victims of Hera’s vengeance.”

H:  “No, I think-- Medea was the real victim.  But her wounds ran so deep-- that we all felt them.”

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