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YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A HERCULES


“Yes, Virginia, There is a Hercules”  Episode 74/415

[TEASER]

[[[[[[Villagers’ Voices:  “It’s coming down!”  “Come on!”
“Hurry!”  H:  “Sorry to crash the party-- but Cassandra’s coming
with me.  Party’s over.”  Villager’s Voice:  “Quickly!  Quickly!”
King:  “Hercules!”  Villager’s Voice:  “Hurry!”]]]]]]

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Rob Tapert, Executive Produer, H:TLJ [RT]:  “Ahh!  Oh, no.  I’m
blind!  I swear, from now on-- I’ll _sing_ in the shower instead.
I’ll--  Who is this, and why are you calling me at-- 6:02, A.M.?”

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Eric Gruendemann, On-Set Producer [EG]:  “Rob!  Rob, it’s me--
Eric!  Aw, thank goodness you’re not dead!”

RT’s Voice:  “What was your first clue?”

EG:  “Well, we heard you had an earthquake last night-- it was
all over the news, here!  Didn’t you feel it?!”

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RT:  “Eric, I’m a producer-- I don’t feel anything.”

EG’s Voice:  “Aw, I’m glad to hear it-- ”

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EG:  “-- ‘Cause Rob, apart from the fact that it’s still
raining-- I’ve got some bad news.”

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RT:  “What?!”

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Liz Friedman, Producer [LF]:  “This’d better be good.  Aw, Rob, I
was just thinkin’ about you.  No-- my weekends wouldn’t be
complete without a little taste of Tapert.  What?!”

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“Soldiers”:  [Screams]  “Get me down from here!”  “Where’d he
go?!”  “Shut up!”

Jerry Patrick Brown, Head Writer [JPB]:  “Howdy.  Hey, boys.”

“Soldier:  “Aw-- you can’t use traps in paintball!”

JPB:  “Paintball ain’t just a game, soldier.  It’s a metaphor for
life!  It’s survival of the fittest!  Search and destroy!  Kill
or be killed!  These are a few o’ my favorite things.  Abel,
Baker, Charlie, niner, niner-- identify yourself, come on!  Liz!
You on a secure line?  Uh-huh.  I’ll be right there.”

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Singing Voice:  “Viva Las Vegas.  Viva Las Vegas.  Viva Las
Vegas, where your-- [Singing continues throughout]”

Dealer:  Snake eyes-- better luck next time.”

Woman’s Voice:  “Mr. [Bond?], your baccarat table is ready.  Mr.
[Bond?], your baccarat table is ready.”

Paul Robert Coyle, Writer [PRC]:  “Where’s Lady Luck-- when I
need her?”

Woman’s Voice:  “Mr. Dineiro-- ”

Waitress:  “Call for you, Mr. Coyle.”

PRC:  “Oh-- there you are.  Say-- I’ve forgotten my phone number.
Can I use yours?”

Waitress:  “Drop dead, ya geek!”

PRC:  “Lenny-- I told you, please don’t call me here.  I’ll have
the money for you by next week.  I’m sorry-- I just can’t get it
together.  Oh, Liz.  Hi, how are ya?  The office, now?  Wait a
minute-- I got a better idea.  Why don’t you come over to my
place?  I got a new  waterbed.  We could play submarine.  Hello?”

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LF:  “For the last time, Jerry, nobody’s bugging the office.”

JPB:  “_That_-- is exactly what they wan’cha to think.  Hmm?”

RT:  “You know who loses with these weekend meetings, people?
Me!”

LF:  “But, you called the meeting, Rob.”

RT:  “Don’t change the subject.  All right, let’s get started.
Wait a second.  Who’s missing?  Melissa-- ”
 
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RT’s Voice:  “Is this thing working?  Hello?”

Melissa Blake, Rob Tapert’s Assistant [MB]:  “Rob, how nice to
hear from you.  Coffee? Tea?  Prozac?”

RT’s Voice:  “Where the hell are Alex and Bob?”

MB:  “I’ll find out.”

RT’s Voice:  “You know, that’s what I love about you.  You’re
always-- ”

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RT:  “Fai-- ”

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Alex Kurtzman, Writer [AK]:  “Oh!  Ow!  Hello?”

MB’s Voice:  “Rise and shine, losers.”

AK:  “Oh, Melissa-- hellooo.”

MB’s Voice:  “Everyone’s waiting for you in the conference room.”

AK:  “Wha-- they need our help?!  OK, OK!  We’ll be right there!
Bob!”

Roberto Orci, Writer [RO]:  “Huh?”

AK:  “Wake up!  Wake up!  Now’s the time to show our stuff!”

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AK:  [Clears throat]  “Hi, everybody.  Bob says hi, too.”

RT:  “When are you two losers gonna get your own apartment?”

AK:  “Hey-- this is our first job in Hollywood.  We want you all
to know we’re here for you twenty-four hours a day.”

LF:  “Is that a good thing?”

AK:  “Well, you know, I was just telling Bob-- that-- cut it
out.”

RT:  “All right, shut up, the both of you, and sit down.  Now, I
have a fishing trip planned today, and the sooner we get this
over with, the sooner I can leave.  Now, then-- we got a problem,
people-- and it’s not pretty.  Our bread and butter-- the big
cheese, the top banana-- has vamoosed.  Oh, for crying out loud,
people-- Kevin Sorbo has disappeared.”

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[ACT I]

PRC:  “What do you mean, Kevin Sorbo’s gone missing?  No star, no
show.  No show, no paycheck.  No paycheck, no kneecaps.  I got
debts!”

RT:  “Well, he was supposed to arrive in New Zealand this
morning, but he didn’t show.”

JPB:  “I propose we send a recon team, Tapert.  Back in Korea, we
had a saying-- you never leave a man behind.”

LF:  “When were you in Korea?”

JPB:  “I was there for the Olympics, Missy!  It was hell.”

RT:  “Melissa, it’s Rob.”

MB’s Voice:  “I told you not to call me here.”

RT:  “Send Davey in here, on the double.”

David Scott Pollison, Office Production Assistant [DSP]:  “You
wanted me, boss?”

RT:  “Davey, I’m gonna give you one last chance to prove you’re
not a moron.”

DSP:  “Gee, thanks!”

RT:  “Now, I don’t care if you have to go around the world, young
fella.  I want you to find Sorbo, and find him quick, d’you
understand?  Melissa-- book him on the Concorde, but make sure he
flies coach.  Davey-- don’t screw this up.”

DSP:  “Count on me, boss.  I won’t let’cha down.  Ooh!  Ooh!”

RT:  “He’s a dopefiend, I know it.”

LF:  “And what if _he_ doesn’t find him?”

PRC:  “I’m gonna be hobbling all the way to the unemployment
office.”

JPB:  “Not necessarily.  When the going gets tough-- the tough
get goin’.  Bam!  Now, a good soldier-- always carries an extra
pair of socks, a can opener-- a cap of cyanide.  But a great
soldier!  That’s right-- a great soldier-- never gives in-- no
matter what the odds.”

RT:  “Is he insane, or am I crazy?”

LF:  “Which question would you like me to answer first?”

JPB:  “I suggest we base this story around another character.”

PRC:  “Like who?”

JPB:  “Like Ares-- god o’ war.”

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[[[[[[JPB’s Voice:  “Why, I remember the time Ares framed
Hercules for murdering his wife.  The plan was so simple, it
verged on genius.”  Strife:  [Laughs]  Villager:  “There he
goes!”  Ares:  “I’ve gotta hand it to you, Strife.  This has
worked out better than I could ever have imagined.” Strife:
“It’s been fun.”  Ares:  [Hums]  JPB’s Voice:  “And when all else
fails-- the god of war is one lean, mean, fightin’ machine.”  [H
and Ares fight.] ]]]]]]

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RT:  “Ha-ha-ha!  Jerry, great idea.  All right, everybody-- get
to work.  I’m goin’ fishin’!”

LF:  “Hey!  You are not actually gonna _listen_ to that
psychopath, are you?!  No offense.”

JPB:  “None taken.”

RT:  “All right, Liz-- spit it out-- the fish are jumpin’.”

LF:  “Well, why not do a show about-- a woman we can all look up
to.  You know-- a woman of the nineties-- a woman who takes
matters into her own hands?”

RT:  “Oh, wake up, Liz, we can’t afford Margaret Thatcher.”

LF:  “No.  I’m talking about-- Callisto.”

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[[[[[[LF’s Voice:  “When it comes to making Hercules suffer
[Chuckles]-- Ares isn’t even a close second to Callisto.  And,
remember that time she poisoned HerK’s family?”  Callisto [Cal]:
“Surprise!  You’ve never witnessed the effects of Xanthalian
venom before, have you?  It affects the mind.”  H:  “What do you
want?”  Cal:  Safe passage through the labyrinths of the gods to
the tree of life.  One bite of the fruit-- cures any illness.”
H:  “And a whole one makes you immortal.”  [Cal and H fight
throughout the rest of this scene.]  LF’s Voice:  “And when it
comes to trading blows-- Callisto does it with a smile.”  Cal:
“Oh, you’re gonna die on your birthday.  How convenient.”
[Laughs]  H:  “Nooo!”  Cal:  “Blow it out and make a wish.”]]]]]]

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RT:  “Hey-- great idea, Liz.  All right, get to work, everybody.
I’m goin’ fishin’.”

AK:  “Oh!  Hey, wait!  Uh-- excuse me.”

RT:  “What, what?!”

AK:  “Um-- aren’t Ares and Callisto both bad guys?”

RT:  “Brilliant, so?”

AK:  “OK, well, um-- don’t they need a good guy to fight with?  I
mean-- without Hercules,  they won’t have anything to do.”

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[Ares and Callisto are playing “Rock, Parchment, Dagger.]

Cal:  [Laughs]

Ares:  “Hmm!  Dumb blonde!”

Cal:  “Hey!”

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PRC:  “Boy-- I hate to admit it, but-- you got a point.”

RT:  “You know?  I am really getting tired of people telling me
what I _can’t_ do.  Can someone please tell me what I _can_ do?
What now?”

AK:  “Uh, Bob has to go to the bathroom.”

RT:  “Oh, all right, all right.  Take a break.”

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TV Anchorwoman [Mary Contrary]:  “And we have confirmed there
are, in fact, six people trapped inside the apartment building.
Rescue teams are on the scene, racing against the clock-- ”

PRC:  “Hey, Melissa-- there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask
you.  You sleep on your stomach?”

MB:  “No.”

PRC:  “Can I?”

MB  [Chuckles]:  “Paul-- I’m wasting my life, in a dead-end job,
while I watch the rest of the world pass me by.  Now, why would I
wanna make things worse by dating you?”

PRC:  “I know you don’t mean that, Baby!  Hey!  Why don’t you let
me take you to Vegas?!  I can teach you how to play-- roulette.”

MB:  “Make it Russian Roulette-- you got yourself a deal.”

RT:  “Paul-- get the hell away from Melissa.”

MB:  “Your shake-- enjoy.”

RT:  “Uh, no thanks-- you can have it-- I changed my mind.  Look,
get Eric on the phone, will ya?  And fix me something I can
chew.”

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Warlord:  “And now, with my new army of lava people, Hercules
will never-- screw with us again!”

Director:  “Cut!  Cut!  Come on!  Come on, everybody!  Listen, I
know this ain’t Shakespeare, Patrick-- but, ‘Screw with us’?!
Come on.”

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RT:  “I’ll take mine well done, Melissa.”

MB:  “It’s sushi, Rob.  You eat it raw.”

EG’s Voice:  “Hello?”

RT:  “Ah, Eric-- ”

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RT’s Voice:  “Any word on Kevin.”

EG:  “No, no-- nothing yet.”

LF’s Voice:  “Why are you whispering?”

EG:  “Well, I told the crew Kevin’s running a little late.  If
they find that he’s missing, I could have a panic on my hands.
These people have familes to support!”

RT’s Voice:  “Familes, schmamilies.  Come on, Eric-- ”

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RT:  “Aren’t we all one big family, anyway?  Well, look-- just
stall ‘em as long as you can.”  [Sneezes]

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EG:  “Gesundheit.”

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RT:  “You’re welcome.  Now Eric--buddy-- I don’t want you to
worry about a thing.  I got the greatest staff in the world
working on this problem-- even as we speak.”

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JPB:  “Mm-hmm.  Mm-hmm.”

RO, AK, PRC, and JPB:  [Whistle Hercules theme.  Hum Hercules
theme.]  “Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-- Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba--
Ya-da-da-da-- Ya-da-da-da-da-da-daaaaaaah!”

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MB:  “Renaissance Pictures.  Oh!  Oh, that’s wonderful news!
[Cut to men flushing]  All right, you tell him we’re looking
forward to seeing him soon.  Yeah.  Bye-bye.  Oh, my God!  The
head of the studio’s on his way over here now!”

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[ACT II]

MB:  “The head of the studio’s coming!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Red alert!  Red alert!”

MB:  “Gloves!”

Woman’s Voice:  “The head of the studio-- ”

MB:  “Hat!”

Woman’s Voice:  “-- is on his way.”

MB:  “Apron!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Estimated time of arrival-- ” 

MB:  “Jacket!”

Woman’s Voice:  “One minute-- ”

MB:  “Rose petals!” 

Woman’s Voice:  “--and 37 seconds.  One minute, 36 seconds.  One
minute, 35 seconds.”

MB:  “[?]!  Dust!  Vacuum!  Pictures-- erect!  Sparkle!  Shine!”

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PRC:  “He’s gonna fire us all.  I’m a dead man.  I’m a dead man!”

JPB:  “Bring him on, Baby!”

LF:  “Shut up!  The both of you!”

RT:  “Nobody’s getting fired!  Now, the studio doesn’t know Kevin
is missing-- and it is going to _stay_ that way.”

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MB:  “Mr. Hollinsfoffer!  It’s always a pleasure to have you
here, sir!”

B.S. Hollinsfoffer, Studio Head [BS]:  “Say, you’re a pretty good
liar!  Are you an executive?!”

MB:  “Oh, no-- I’m Mister Tapert’s assistant.”

BS:  “Come see me in my office, Monday morning!  We need more
people like you in management!”

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RT:  “Oh-ho!  BS-- how nice to see you again.  It hasn’t been
long enough.”

BS:  “What the hell’s everybody doing here on a Sunday, anyway--
huh?!”

PRC:  “Say-- is it Sunday?  We were so busy,
we-we-we-we-we-we-we-we didn’t even notice.”

BS:  “_That’s_ what I want to hear!  Like I always say-- weekends
are for communists!”

LF:  “Look what happened to them.”

BS:  [Laughs, then everyone laughs]  “By the way-- what’s with
the rubber pants?”

RT:  “Oh-- well, they’re the new rage, BS.  All the kids are
wearing rubbers these days, uh-- isn’t that right, Liz?”

LF:  “Yeah, yeah-- and if they’re not, well, they should be.”

BS:  “Make note to self-- buy 12 pair of rubber pants.  Hmm.
Thanks for the tip, Tap.”  [Laughs, then everyone laughs]

RT:  “Anytime, BS-- say hello to the wives.”

BS:  “Why am I here?!  Oh!  During the earthquake-- a chandelier
fell down ‘n’ hit me-- on the head!  It was then-- that I had a
vision-- a _new direction_ for the show!  Hercules, the musical!
Huh?!  Like La Cage Aux Folles-- only better!  [Pounds desk]
Bigger!  [Pounds desk]  Brighter!  Goes something like this!”

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[[[[[[BS’s Voice:  “You start with your basic damsel in
distress!”  Spoiled Brat:  “Stop wasting your time!  You need a
partner to enter the contest.  No one’s _crazy_ enough to dance
with you.”  BS’s Voice:  “But, guess who comes along?!”  H:
“I’ll be your partner.”  Man’s Voice:  “Where’d _he_ come from?”
BS’s Voice:  “All he’d need now, is a dance teacher!  The kinda’
gal who can teach him how to shake a tailfeather!”  Widow Twanky
[Singing]:  “Honey, if you try-- I know you’ll reach the sky--
Just learn to spread your wings and flyyyyyyyyyyyyy!  BS’s Voice:
“Now when it was time for them to strut their stuff-- they set
the dance floor on fire!”  Magistrate:  “Get them off that dance
floor-- now!”:  Thug:  “Come on!”]]]]]]

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[BS claps, then they all clap.]

RT:  “Brilliant!”

LF:  “Real show-stopper, BS.”

JPB:  “You said it.”

PRC:  “Yeah, they’ll love it in Cleveland.”

JPB:  “If they knew what they liked in Cleveland, they wouldn’t
live there.”

RT:  “Yeah, what is it?”

DSP’s Voice:  “Rob, it’s Davey!”

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DSP:  “I haven’t been able to find Kevin yet, but, I-- uh, don’t
worry, I’m onto a new lead on where he might be, you know?”

RT’s Voice:  “Oh, Davey, how-- ”

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RT:  “-- nice to hear from you.  Thanks for calling-- enjoy the
rest of your--

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RT’s Voice:  “-- vacation.”

DSP:  “Uh, uh, but, uh-- ”

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BS:  “Say?!  What did he mean-- ‘Find Kevin’?”

RT:  “Ho!  Not, ‘Find Kevin.’  ‘Find-- Heaven.’  He’s on a--
religious quest.  Isn’t that right-- Liz?”

LF:  “You betcha.  Davey hasn’t been the same since he saw George
Burns’ face on a tortilla.”

RT:  [Laughs]

PRC:  “It’s no use!  He knows!  It’s true!  It’s true!  Kevin
Sorbo’s gone missing!  Oh, please don’t fire me, please!  I throw
myself on the mercy of the studio!  Ahhh!”

BS:  “Ya lied to me.”  [Slaps RT]

RT:  “I never said Kevin _wasn’t_ missing.”  [Slaps BS]

BS:  “You never said he _was_ missing.  You’re fired!”  [Slaps
RT]

RT:  “You can’t fire me-- I quit!”  [Slaps BS]

BS:  “You can’t quit-- I fired you!”  [Slaps RT]

AK:  “Oh, come on, guys!  We’re all friends here.”  [BS and RT
slap him.]  “Uh.  Ahh!  Ahh!  Uhh!  I’m blind.  Mommy?”  [LF
punches AK.]

BS:  “You, you, you-- you-- you-- and you-- are all fired!”

LF:  “Thanks, Paul.”

RT:  “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

LF:  “Maybe, Sinbad’s hiring.”

JPB:  “Nice poker face, you sniv’lin’ coward!”

PRC:  “Hey, wait a minute.  That’s it-- poker face.  [Snaps
fingers]  Uh!  We bluff!”

BS:  “What’re ya talkin’ about?!”

PRC:  “Uh-- our show may not have a star, but, uh-- the audience
doesn’t need to _know_ that.”

RT:  “Earth-to-Paul-- once they turn on their TV set, they’ll
see-- no Hercules.”

PRC:  “Yeah-- but, what if that is the story-- you know?  Like--
maybe Hercules is caught up in this-- this big-- vortex.”

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[[[[[[PRC’s Voice:  “Remember that-- vortex-- that led to a
parallel world-- where everything was backwards?”  I:  “Ares?
This is a-- a new look for you.”  Alt Ares:  “What did’ja expect?
I am the god ‘a love.”  Sovereign:  “It wouldn’t kill you to let
it _all_-- hang out.”  Alt Aph:  “Please-- no!  It’s not
ladylike.”  I:  “Aphrodite shy-- wow.”  Sovereign  [Laughs]:
“Now, _that_-- is funny!”  Alt X:  “What is this?!  You promised
me an execution!”  Sovereign:  “I did-- didn’t I?”  PRC’s Voice:
“And Hercules had to fight his evil twin-- the Sovereign?”  H:
“Run, Iolaus!”  Sovereign:  “No.  Noooooooooooo!”  PRC’s Voice:
“Well, why can’t we stick Hercules in the vortex, too?”]]]]]]

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PRC:  “So-- while Hercules is trapped in the vortex, _all_ the
other characters have to run around and help each other ta-- ta--
ta protect the _world_ from the Sovereign!”

LF:  “You idiot!  Kevin Sorbo _played_ the Sovereign.”

PRC:  [Cries]

RT:  “Where do you think _you’re_ goin’?”

AK:  “Hey!  Hollisonfoffer [sic] just _fired_ us-- remember?”

RT:  “Ooh.  Ooh, good point.  I’m going fishin’.”

JPB:  “Nice workin’ with ya.”

LF:  “Right[?]!  See ya!”

BS:  “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Back!  Back!  Back!  Back!  Back!  Back!  Nobody’s going
anywhere!  Somebody has to handle this!  You’re all rehired!”

Group:  “Whoo-hoo!”

BS:  “Now, if you’ll excuse me-- I have to call an emergency
meeting with the board of directors!  And I expect this to be
taken care of, by the time I get back!  Hat!  I’m outta here!”

MB:  “Eric is on the line for you.”

RT:  “Eric.  Ooh!  Get Eric to the line.  Yes, Eric-- go ahead.”

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EG:  “Did Kevin show up, yet?!”

RT’s Voice:  “I was gonna ask you the same thing.”

EG:  “I think the crew’s getting suspicious.  They know
something’s up.  If they found out I lied to them-- I’m dead--
dead!”

RT’s Voice:  “Well, Eric, just keep your pants on-- ”

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RT:  “-- but for God’s sake, don’t zip ‘em up too fast-- it’s a
killer.”

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Woman’s Voice:  “Somebody’s gotta-- ”

EG:  “Uh-- Rob, I’ve got a little problem with one of the
extras.”

Man:  “OK, everybody!  That’s lunch!”

EG:  “Gotta go!”

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RT:  “Well, fellas-- I’m afraid we’re gonna have to face the ugly
truth.  It’s time to find a new Hercules.”

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[ACT III]

Beth Hymson, Casting Director [BH]:  “What’s the matter?
Somebody’s puppy die?  Ooh-- tall, dark, and handsome.  I miss
you, Jer.  A hard man’s good to find, these days.”

JPB:  “Well, I told you, Beth-- relationships are for the weak.”

BH:  “A week, a day?  I’ll take an hour.  Truth is, I only need a
couple of minutes.  How is Captain Happy-- hmm?”

JPB:  “Have mercy.”

RT:  “Look, could we just get started, already?”

BH:  “All right-- but don’t get your hopes up.  It’s not easy
trying to find qualified applicants on such short notice.
Everyone-- this is Johnny Pinko [JP].  Say hi, cutey-pie.  Shh.
Save it.  Johnny, here’s my gardener.  He trims my hedges twice a
week.  You should see the size of his weed-whacker!  OK,
Studley?” 

JP:  “Sure, but, uh-- I,I just got one question.”

BH:  “Hmm?”

Everybody:  “What’s my motivation?”

BH:  “Let me explain.”

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[[[[[[BH’s Voice:  “Hercules has _just_ met up with his old
flame, Nemesis-- and she’s got _quite_ a _surprise_ for him.”
Nemesis:  “-- and you saved his life.”  H:  “And this-- would be
Evander.”  Nemesis:  “Yes, it would-- Evander-- our baby.  Shh--
sh-sh-sh.”  H:  “Our baby?”  BH’s Voice:  “But Nemesis has a
secret-- and she’s too ashamed to admit the truth.”  Ares:  “He’s
my son.  You don’t wanna try me.”  BH’s Voice:  “But, it doesn’t
matter to Hercules, who promises he’ll always look after Evander.
H:  “I’ll be back to see you-- every chance I get-- and before
you know it-- I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle!  And throw the
discus.  You don’t know it now-- but, one day-- you’ll realize
you’re different-- and you’ll wanna be like everyone else-- but
you never will be.  You’re special.  You’re very-- special.  I
will always be there for you-- always.”

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BH:  “Sock it to us, Pinko!  And make it good.”

JP:  “One moment, please.”

AK:  “Hmm.”

BH:  “Mm-mm-mm.”

JP:  “Evander!  I’ll be back to see you, every chance I get!
Before you know it, I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle!  How
to-- how to throw the discus, huh?!  It won’t be an easy life to
live, but, uh-- I’ll be around to help, you know?  I will-- be
there!”  [Cries]

BH:  “Whoo!  Yes!  Oh-- yes!  Uh!  Huh-huh.”

JP:  “Pretty good-- huh?”

RT:  “Uhh.”

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“Cary Grant”:  “Evander-- I’ll be back to see you-- every chance
I get.”

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“Ventriloquist”:  [Mumbles incoherently]

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[Mime]

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“Elvis Impersonator”  [Sings]:  “Hey, Evander!  I’ll be back to
see you, every chance I get!  Before you know it-- I’ll be
teaching you how to wrestle and throw the discus!  But, it won’t
be an easy life to live but I’ll do-- ”

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LF:  “Well-- if we ever make a show called ‘Rejects,’ we’ll know
where to look.”

RT:  “Beth, what’re you doin’ to me?!  I’ve seen better actors in
a puppet show.”

BH:  “Well, what do you expect?  You should’ve told me when you
knew Sorbo was missing.”

RT:  “Whoa-- whoa, whoa.  It’s not my fault, OK.  It’s these damn
writers.  I thought they’d have something for me by now.”

JPB:  “Come on.  Say that again-- please.”

RT:  “You wanna piece of me, tough guy?  You’ll have to go
through Liz.”

PRC:  “Ten bucks on Liz-- first round.”

LF:  “Come on!”

AK:  “Would you guys quit it?!  I mean, come on!  Now look--
we’re all working on a hit show, here.  And no matter what
happens, nobody can take that away from us.”

PRC:  “Except Kevin Sorbo.”

MB:  “Yeah-- we have Davey on line one, and Eric on line two!”

JPB:  “Yeah.”

RT:  “Yeah-- go ahead, Davey.”

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-------------------------------

DSP:  “Kevin Sorbo’s not in Spain, man!”

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RT:  “Davey-- just slow down-- take a breath.”

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-------------------------------

DSP:  “I can’t slow down.  My life depends on it-- you know?!”

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RT:  “You see?  Now, that’s the kind of commitment I look for in
my employees.  Now, if you folks had been working as hard as
Davey here-- I’d be fishing now.  Davey--remind me to give you a
raise.”

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-------------------------------

DSP:  [Screams]

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RT:  “Go ahead, Eric.”

EG’s Voice:  “Uh!”

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EG:  “The crew found out!”

RT’s Voice:  “Eric-- calm down.  I can’t understand you.”

EG:  “I tried to pretend I was Kevin, but-- for some reason, it
didn’t work!  Oh, the horror!  Get off me!  I made you people!”

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-------------------------------

RT:  “Hey, you tell those idiots down there to behave, or they’re
all fired!”

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-------------------------------

EG:  “Oh!  Oh!  Tell my wife I love her!  Tell my son what a
great man I was!”  [Screams]

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-------------------------------

RT:  “We lost him.”

PRC:  “We’re next!  When the board finds out-- they’re gonna feed
us to the mechanical shark in the amusement park!  [Cries]
Somebody’s gotta stop this insanity!  Liz!”  [She punches him.]

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-------------------------------

BH:  “Too ugly.  Too blond.  No.  No.  No.  No.”

MB:  “I brought smelling salts.”

RT:  “No-- thanks, Melissa, I’m trying to to cut down.  Oh-- hey,
while you’re here-- take an inch or two off the top, will ya?
I’m gettin’ a little shaggy.”

MB:  “Oh-- can I?!  Oh, that would be the frosting on the cake of
my day!”

PRC:  “Oh!  Officer, they said  they were 18.  What happened?”

LF:  “Aftershock-- you slipped and fell on my fist.”

PRC:  “Oh.”

RT:  “All right, now people.  We’re back to square one.  How do
we have a 
“Hercules” episode without-- Hercules?”  [LF mouths something
like, “Not now” to MB.]

JPB [?]:  “Well, sir-- um-- ”

MB:  “What about young Hercules?”

LF:  “Go on.”

MB:  “Well, he was a teenager once, wasn’t he?  I mean-- when did
he first meet Iolaus?  And-- what was the first monster he
killed?  And how long has he been wearing those pants?”

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-------------------------------

[[[[[[MB’s Voice:  “Hercules has always been a do-gooder.  But
remember that _Iolaus_-- was a thief.”  Young I:  “Don’t worry--
I’ll take it.”  Young H:  “No!”  Young I:  “Mine!”  Young H:
“Iolaus!  Let-- !”  MB’s Voice:  “Maybe, they weren’t always such
good friends.  After all-- boys will be boys.”  Teacher:  “And
remember--balance is the key.”  Young I:  “Ooh-- ooh.  Ooh--
looks like Hercules is a little off-key.  Balance-- is-- key!”
MB’s Voice:  “Maybe, he was even a little too cocky for his own
good.”  Young H:  “Guess I beat Ares’ security system.  That is a
big snake.”  MB’s Voice:  “It would be just like the-- Wonder
Years-- but with giant snakes!”]]]]]]

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-------------------------------

PRC:  “We’re saved!”

RT:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Melissa-- you’re a genius!”

BH:  “Ah-- excuse me?  I’d hate to be a party-pooper here, but,
uh-- we’d have to re-cast the _entire show_-- and we haven’t even
found one decent actor, today.”

RT:  “Well, Skipper’s got a point, too.  Oh, but it’ll make a
great spin-off.  Melissa-- remind me to give you next Sunday
off.”  [MB mouths “Whoop-de-do!”]

BS:  “Comin’ through!  The board of directors are animals.  They
want blood.  If we don’t come up with something by 5 o’clock--
the show is cancelled.”

RT:  “What?!”  [BS, then everyone else, starts to laugh.]

MB:  “Oops!”

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-------------------------------

[ACT IV]

BH:  “What?!  Bernie!  Speak English!  Are you telling me, he’d
rather do a hemorrhoids commercial?!  Fine!  Fine.  Then I’m sure
he’ll enjoy-- sticking it where the sun don’t shine!  Don Knotts
won’t do it.”

RT:  “Well, keep at it, Beth.  I don’t wanna see your face around
here until you find me a new Hercules.”

BS:  “What are you gonna do?  It’s almost 5 o’clock.”

LF:  “Actors-- I wish we could do away with them altogether.”

RT:  “Say-- that gives me an idea.”

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-------------------------------

[[[[[[RT’s Voice:  “What if we turn the show into a cartoon?
Why, we could have a bunch of ‘toons doing all the things that
made this show the money-making machine that feeds us all.”  H:
“I-- never-- quit!  Bah!  Bah!  Uh!  Now!  Drop him!”]]]]]]

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-------------------------------

RT:  “Ha-ha!  Cartoons!  It’s perfect!  They’re never late.  They
don’t complain.  And they won’t ask for raises.”

LF:  “Hello?!  Am I the only one in this room getting oxygen?!
You still need Kevin’s voice!  No Kevin-- no cartoon.”

RT  [In mimicky voice]:  “No Kevin-- no cartoon.”

JPB:  “Well-- this is pointless.  We should _surrender_-- while
we still got our dignity!”

PRC:  “We’re ruined!  I gotta get outta town!  Quick!”

AK:  “Whoa!  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.  Whoa!  Now-- we--
have-- an idea.  Go on-- tell ‘em.”

RO:  “You’re gonna love this.”

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-------------------------------

Narrator:  “This is the story of a time long ago-- a time of myth
and legend-- when the ancient gods were petty and cruel-- and
they plagued mankind with suffering.  Only one animal dared to
challenge their power-- Chimpules!”

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AK:  “Pretty great, huh?”

RT:  “Let me get this straight.”

AK:  “Yeah.”

RT:  “You guys sit there like _vegetables_ for six months-- and
the first idea you come up with is-- ‘Chimpules’?!”

AK:  “Well-- we were _saving_ it for the right time.”

BS:  “How the fu** did they _get_ these jobs?!” 

RT:  “Don’t look at me-- Liz hired ‘em.”

 LF:  “I used to baby-sit for ‘em in high school.  I didn’t
 realize they turned out to be such idiots!”

AK:  “OK.  OK-- look.  We didn’t go to film school for nothin’.
And-- we’ve been working on this idea-- day and night.  And
frankly-- I think-- no-- I _know_-- you guys are jealous of our
talent.  And you know what?!  It’s _not_ fair!  It is-- _not
fair_!  Not fair!  No-- ow!”

[RO hits AK, then fight scene gradually ensues]

AK:  “I’ve had it with you!  Die!  Die!  Owwww!  My eye!  Get
your finger out of my eye!”

MB:  Excuse me.  The board of directors are on the line.
They’d-- like an answer.”

BS:  “Rob-- I’ve been in this business-- twenty years-- and I
think it’s safe to say-- this is the _worst_ staff in the
_entire_ history of television.”

AK:  “Ah!  You smell, and your mother-- !”

Woman’s Voice:  “Smoke detected.  Please evacuate the building in
an orderly fashion.  This is not-- ”  

JPB:  “That’s it.  Little Jerry ain’t foolin’ around, no more.
Ooh!  Uh!”

RT:  “Uh!  Melissa, get me a towel, will ya?  My hair’s melting.” 

MB:  “Use my diploma, you dummy!  It’s not doing me any good!”

RT:  “Ooh!”

PRC:  “Mr.  Hollinsfoffer.  I hope-- that this doesn’t reflect
negatively-- on my s-situation.”  [Screams]  

LF:  “Ahh!”

JPB:  “Like that?!  Huh?!  Do ya?!  Ooh!  Oh!”

LF:  “Yeah!”

AK:  “You stinkin’-- !”

[Fighting has broken out full-steam]

AK:  “Hi!”  [Screams]

JPB:  “Ahhhhh!  Die!  Die!  Die!  Goddamn!”

BH:  “Is this a bad time?”

Ares:  “Oh!”

Strife:  “Yes!”

Ares:  “This-- is a great day, indeed.”

Strife:  “You said it, Uncle.  Causing that earthquake-- it was
a-- stroke of genius.”

Ares:  “I know my brother couldn’t put his show above innocent
lives.  Mudslides, fires,  earthquakes-- I’ll bet he’s had quite
the busy day.  Oh-- nice!”

Strife:  “And now-- with these mortals about to uh-- kill each
other?  [Chuckles]  The show’s as good as cancelled.”  [Laughs]

Ares:  “Yes-- pretty soon, my brohter’s _legendary journeys_--
will be but a distant memory-- and I’ll be able to watch
‘Millennium’ in peace.”

Strife:  “I miss ‘Cop Rock.’”

H’s Voice:  “Oh, I’ll sing something for you.”

Ares:  “No.  I do _not_ believe this!  You can’t have rescued
everyone in this city by now.”

H:  “It looks like you’ve-- underestimated me again, there, dear
brother, but then-- what else is new?”

Ares:  “You are pathetic.”

Strife:  “Pathetic.”

Ares:  “Pretending to be a mortal-- this, this, this-- Kevin
Sorbo character.  And you know what Dad thinks about actors.”

H:  “Wait, wait, wait.  Since when did you start caring about
what Zeus thinks?  Besides, the, uh-- world isn’t-- ready for the
truth.”

Ares:  “This is not over, Hercules.  We’ll meet again.”

H:  “Hmm-- have your people call my people.  We’ll do lunch.”

BS:  “Kevin Sorbo!”

PRC:  [Laughs]

LF:  “Kevin!”

H-as-Kevin Sorbo [KS]:  “Am I-- interrupting anything?”

PRC:  “Uh!  We’re saved!”  [Laughs]

BS:  “Thank God!”

LF:  “We’ve been _so_ worried!”

RT:  “Ho!  Ha!  Ha!  Kevin!  I-- You’re-- ”

PRC  [Crying]:  “Ohhhhhhh!  Kevin!  Can you ever forgive us?!  We
thought we could do the show without you?”

AK:  “Boy, were _we_ wrong, huh?!”

RT:  “It’s been a long day.”

BH:  “It’s true-- there’s only _one_ Hercules.”

LF:  “You’re telling me.”

RT:  “Uh, by the way, Kevin, um-- where in the hell were you all
day?”

KS:  “Oh, I, uh-- I got-- stuck in-- traffic.”

BS:  “Hmm.”

KS:  [Looks at camera]  “Hey, after all, I’m-- only human.”
[Everyone laughs.]

RT:  “Kevin, we wanna talk to you-- ”

Anchorwoman:  “On the brighter side-- after one of the most
destructive earthquakes in recent memory, we’re happy to report
there have been zero casualties-- all thanks to a mystery man who
performed miraculous rescues throughout the south land.  If
you’re watching-- whoever you are-- the city of angels owes you a
debt of gratitude.  Thank you-- and good night.”

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