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“Yes, Virginia, There is a Hercules” Episode 74/415 [TEASER] [[[[[[Villagers’ Voices: “It’s coming down!” “Come on!” “Hurry!” H: “Sorry to crash the party-- but Cassandra’s coming with me. Party’s over.” Villager’s Voice: “Quickly! Quickly!” King: “Hercules!” Villager’s Voice: “Hurry!”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Rob Tapert, Executive Produer, H:TLJ [RT]: “Ahh! Oh, no. I’m blind! I swear, from now on-- I’ll _sing_ in the shower instead. I’ll-- Who is this, and why are you calling me at-- 6:02, A.M.?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Eric Gruendemann, On-Set Producer [EG]: “Rob! Rob, it’s me-- Eric! Aw, thank goodness you’re not dead!” RT’s Voice: “What was your first clue?” EG: “Well, we heard you had an earthquake last night-- it was all over the news, here! Didn’t you feel it?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Eric, I’m a producer-- I don’t feel anything.” EG’s Voice: “Aw, I’m glad to hear it-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- EG: “-- ‘Cause Rob, apart from the fact that it’s still raining-- I’ve got some bad news.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “What?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Liz Friedman, Producer [LF]: “This’d better be good. Aw, Rob, I was just thinkin’ about you. No-- my weekends wouldn’t be complete without a little taste of Tapert. What?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- “Soldiers”: [Screams] “Get me down from here!” “Where’d he go?!” “Shut up!” Jerry Patrick Brown, Head Writer [JPB]: “Howdy. Hey, boys.” “Soldier: “Aw-- you can’t use traps in paintball!” JPB: “Paintball ain’t just a game, soldier. It’s a metaphor for life! It’s survival of the fittest! Search and destroy! Kill or be killed! These are a few o’ my favorite things. Abel, Baker, Charlie, niner, niner-- identify yourself, come on! Liz! You on a secure line? Uh-huh. I’ll be right there.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Singing Voice: “Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas, where your-- [Singing continues throughout]” Dealer: Snake eyes-- better luck next time.” Woman’s Voice: “Mr. [Bond?], your baccarat table is ready. Mr. [Bond?], your baccarat table is ready.” Paul Robert Coyle, Writer [PRC]: “Where’s Lady Luck-- when I need her?” Woman’s Voice: “Mr. Dineiro-- ” Waitress: “Call for you, Mr. Coyle.” PRC: “Oh-- there you are. Say-- I’ve forgotten my phone number. Can I use yours?” Waitress: “Drop dead, ya geek!” PRC: “Lenny-- I told you, please don’t call me here. I’ll have the money for you by next week. I’m sorry-- I just can’t get it together. Oh, Liz. Hi, how are ya? The office, now? Wait a minute-- I got a better idea. Why don’t you come over to my place? I got a new waterbed. We could play submarine. Hello?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- LF: “For the last time, Jerry, nobody’s bugging the office.” JPB: “_That_-- is exactly what they wan’cha to think. Hmm?” RT: “You know who loses with these weekend meetings, people? Me!” LF: “But, you called the meeting, Rob.” RT: “Don’t change the subject. All right, let’s get started. Wait a second. Who’s missing? Melissa-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT’s Voice: “Is this thing working? Hello?” Melissa Blake, Rob Tapert’s Assistant [MB]: “Rob, how nice to hear from you. Coffee? Tea? Prozac?” RT’s Voice: “Where the hell are Alex and Bob?” MB: “I’ll find out.” RT’s Voice: “You know, that’s what I love about you. You’re always-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Fai-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Alex Kurtzman, Writer [AK]: “Oh! Ow! Hello?” MB’s Voice: “Rise and shine, losers.” AK: “Oh, Melissa-- hellooo.” MB’s Voice: “Everyone’s waiting for you in the conference room.” AK: “Wha-- they need our help?! OK, OK! We’ll be right there! Bob!” Roberto Orci, Writer [RO]: “Huh?” AK: “Wake up! Wake up! Now’s the time to show our stuff!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- AK: [Clears throat] “Hi, everybody. Bob says hi, too.” RT: “When are you two losers gonna get your own apartment?” AK: “Hey-- this is our first job in Hollywood. We want you all to know we’re here for you twenty-four hours a day.” LF: “Is that a good thing?” AK: “Well, you know, I was just telling Bob-- that-- cut it out.” RT: “All right, shut up, the both of you, and sit down. Now, I have a fishing trip planned today, and the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can leave. Now, then-- we got a problem, people-- and it’s not pretty. Our bread and butter-- the big cheese, the top banana-- has vamoosed. Oh, for crying out loud, people-- Kevin Sorbo has disappeared.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] PRC: “What do you mean, Kevin Sorbo’s gone missing? No star, no show. No show, no paycheck. No paycheck, no kneecaps. I got debts!” RT: “Well, he was supposed to arrive in New Zealand this morning, but he didn’t show.” JPB: “I propose we send a recon team, Tapert. Back in Korea, we had a saying-- you never leave a man behind.” LF: “When were you in Korea?” JPB: “I was there for the Olympics, Missy! It was hell.” RT: “Melissa, it’s Rob.” MB’s Voice: “I told you not to call me here.” RT: “Send Davey in here, on the double.” David Scott Pollison, Office Production Assistant [DSP]: “You wanted me, boss?” RT: “Davey, I’m gonna give you one last chance to prove you’re not a moron.” DSP: “Gee, thanks!” RT: “Now, I don’t care if you have to go around the world, young fella. I want you to find Sorbo, and find him quick, d’you understand? Melissa-- book him on the Concorde, but make sure he flies coach. Davey-- don’t screw this up.” DSP: “Count on me, boss. I won’t let’cha down. Ooh! Ooh!” RT: “He’s a dopefiend, I know it.” LF: “And what if _he_ doesn’t find him?” PRC: “I’m gonna be hobbling all the way to the unemployment office.” JPB: “Not necessarily. When the going gets tough-- the tough get goin’. Bam! Now, a good soldier-- always carries an extra pair of socks, a can opener-- a cap of cyanide. But a great soldier! That’s right-- a great soldier-- never gives in-- no matter what the odds.” RT: “Is he insane, or am I crazy?” LF: “Which question would you like me to answer first?” JPB: “I suggest we base this story around another character.” PRC: “Like who?” JPB: “Like Ares-- god o’ war.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[JPB’s Voice: “Why, I remember the time Ares framed Hercules for murdering his wife. The plan was so simple, it verged on genius.” Strife: [Laughs] Villager: “There he goes!” Ares: “I’ve gotta hand it to you, Strife. This has worked out better than I could ever have imagined.” Strife: “It’s been fun.” Ares: [Hums] JPB’s Voice: “And when all else fails-- the god of war is one lean, mean, fightin’ machine.” [H and Ares fight.] ]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Ha-ha-ha! Jerry, great idea. All right, everybody-- get to work. I’m goin’ fishin’!” LF: “Hey! You are not actually gonna _listen_ to that psychopath, are you?! No offense.” JPB: “None taken.” RT: “All right, Liz-- spit it out-- the fish are jumpin’.” LF: “Well, why not do a show about-- a woman we can all look up to. You know-- a woman of the nineties-- a woman who takes matters into her own hands?” RT: “Oh, wake up, Liz, we can’t afford Margaret Thatcher.” LF: “No. I’m talking about-- Callisto.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[LF’s Voice: “When it comes to making Hercules suffer [Chuckles]-- Ares isn’t even a close second to Callisto. And, remember that time she poisoned HerK’s family?” Callisto [Cal]: “Surprise! You’ve never witnessed the effects of Xanthalian venom before, have you? It affects the mind.” H: “What do you want?” Cal: Safe passage through the labyrinths of the gods to the tree of life. One bite of the fruit-- cures any illness.” H: “And a whole one makes you immortal.” [Cal and H fight throughout the rest of this scene.] LF’s Voice: “And when it comes to trading blows-- Callisto does it with a smile.” Cal: “Oh, you’re gonna die on your birthday. How convenient.” [Laughs] H: “Nooo!” Cal: “Blow it out and make a wish.”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Hey-- great idea, Liz. All right, get to work, everybody. I’m goin’ fishin’.” AK: “Oh! Hey, wait! Uh-- excuse me.” RT: “What, what?!” AK: “Um-- aren’t Ares and Callisto both bad guys?” RT: “Brilliant, so?” AK: “OK, well, um-- don’t they need a good guy to fight with? I mean-- without Hercules, they won’t have anything to do.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Ares and Callisto are playing “Rock, Parchment, Dagger.] Cal: [Laughs] Ares: “Hmm! Dumb blonde!” Cal: “Hey!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- PRC: “Boy-- I hate to admit it, but-- you got a point.” RT: “You know? I am really getting tired of people telling me what I _can’t_ do. Can someone please tell me what I _can_ do? What now?” AK: “Uh, Bob has to go to the bathroom.” RT: “Oh, all right, all right. Take a break.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- TV Anchorwoman [Mary Contrary]: “And we have confirmed there are, in fact, six people trapped inside the apartment building. Rescue teams are on the scene, racing against the clock-- ” PRC: “Hey, Melissa-- there’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you. You sleep on your stomach?” MB: “No.” PRC: “Can I?” MB [Chuckles]: “Paul-- I’m wasting my life, in a dead-end job, while I watch the rest of the world pass me by. Now, why would I wanna make things worse by dating you?” PRC: “I know you don’t mean that, Baby! Hey! Why don’t you let me take you to Vegas?! I can teach you how to play-- roulette.” MB: “Make it Russian Roulette-- you got yourself a deal.” RT: “Paul-- get the hell away from Melissa.” MB: “Your shake-- enjoy.” RT: “Uh, no thanks-- you can have it-- I changed my mind. Look, get Eric on the phone, will ya? And fix me something I can chew.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Warlord: “And now, with my new army of lava people, Hercules will never-- screw with us again!” Director: “Cut! Cut! Come on! Come on, everybody! Listen, I know this ain’t Shakespeare, Patrick-- but, ‘Screw with us’?! Come on.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “I’ll take mine well done, Melissa.” MB: “It’s sushi, Rob. You eat it raw.” EG’s Voice: “Hello?” RT: “Ah, Eric-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT’s Voice: “Any word on Kevin.” EG: “No, no-- nothing yet.” LF’s Voice: “Why are you whispering?” EG: “Well, I told the crew Kevin’s running a little late. If they find that he’s missing, I could have a panic on my hands. These people have familes to support!” RT’s Voice: “Familes, schmamilies. Come on, Eric-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Aren’t we all one big family, anyway? Well, look-- just stall ‘em as long as you can.” [Sneezes] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- EG: “Gesundheit.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “You’re welcome. Now Eric--buddy-- I don’t want you to worry about a thing. I got the greatest staff in the world working on this problem-- even as we speak.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- JPB: “Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.” RO, AK, PRC, and JPB: [Whistle Hercules theme. Hum Hercules theme.] “Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-- Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-- Ya-da-da-da-- Ya-da-da-da-da-da-daaaaaaah!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- MB: “Renaissance Pictures. Oh! Oh, that’s wonderful news! [Cut to men flushing] All right, you tell him we’re looking forward to seeing him soon. Yeah. Bye-bye. Oh, my God! The head of the studio’s on his way over here now!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] MB: “The head of the studio’s coming!” Woman’s Voice: “Red alert! Red alert!” MB: “Gloves!” Woman’s Voice: “The head of the studio-- ” MB: “Hat!” Woman’s Voice: “-- is on his way.” MB: “Apron!” Woman’s Voice: “Estimated time of arrival-- ” MB: “Jacket!” Woman’s Voice: “One minute-- ” MB: “Rose petals!” Woman’s Voice: “--and 37 seconds. One minute, 36 seconds. One minute, 35 seconds.” MB: “[?]! Dust! Vacuum! Pictures-- erect! Sparkle! Shine!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- PRC: “He’s gonna fire us all. I’m a dead man. I’m a dead man!” JPB: “Bring him on, Baby!” LF: “Shut up! The both of you!” RT: “Nobody’s getting fired! Now, the studio doesn’t know Kevin is missing-- and it is going to _stay_ that way.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- MB: “Mr. Hollinsfoffer! It’s always a pleasure to have you here, sir!” B.S. Hollinsfoffer, Studio Head [BS]: “Say, you’re a pretty good liar! Are you an executive?!” MB: “Oh, no-- I’m Mister Tapert’s assistant.” BS: “Come see me in my office, Monday morning! We need more people like you in management!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Oh-ho! BS-- how nice to see you again. It hasn’t been long enough.” BS: “What the hell’s everybody doing here on a Sunday, anyway-- huh?!” PRC: “Say-- is it Sunday? We were so busy, we-we-we-we-we-we-we-we didn’t even notice.” BS: “_That’s_ what I want to hear! Like I always say-- weekends are for communists!” LF: “Look what happened to them.” BS: [Laughs, then everyone laughs] “By the way-- what’s with the rubber pants?” RT: “Oh-- well, they’re the new rage, BS. All the kids are wearing rubbers these days, uh-- isn’t that right, Liz?” LF: “Yeah, yeah-- and if they’re not, well, they should be.” BS: “Make note to self-- buy 12 pair of rubber pants. Hmm. Thanks for the tip, Tap.” [Laughs, then everyone laughs] RT: “Anytime, BS-- say hello to the wives.” BS: “Why am I here?! Oh! During the earthquake-- a chandelier fell down ‘n’ hit me-- on the head! It was then-- that I had a vision-- a _new direction_ for the show! Hercules, the musical! Huh?! Like La Cage Aux Folles-- only better! [Pounds desk] Bigger! [Pounds desk] Brighter! Goes something like this!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[BS’s Voice: “You start with your basic damsel in distress!” Spoiled Brat: “Stop wasting your time! You need a partner to enter the contest. No one’s _crazy_ enough to dance with you.” BS’s Voice: “But, guess who comes along?!” H: “I’ll be your partner.” Man’s Voice: “Where’d _he_ come from?” BS’s Voice: “All he’d need now, is a dance teacher! The kinda’ gal who can teach him how to shake a tailfeather!” Widow Twanky [Singing]: “Honey, if you try-- I know you’ll reach the sky-- Just learn to spread your wings and flyyyyyyyyyyyyy! BS’s Voice: “Now when it was time for them to strut their stuff-- they set the dance floor on fire!” Magistrate: “Get them off that dance floor-- now!”: Thug: “Come on!”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [BS claps, then they all clap.] RT: “Brilliant!” LF: “Real show-stopper, BS.” JPB: “You said it.” PRC: “Yeah, they’ll love it in Cleveland.” JPB: “If they knew what they liked in Cleveland, they wouldn’t live there.” RT: “Yeah, what is it?” DSP’s Voice: “Rob, it’s Davey!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- DSP: “I haven’t been able to find Kevin yet, but, I-- uh, don’t worry, I’m onto a new lead on where he might be, you know?” RT’s Voice: “Oh, Davey, how-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “-- nice to hear from you. Thanks for calling-- enjoy the rest of your-- ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT’s Voice: “-- vacation.” DSP: “Uh, uh, but, uh-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- BS: “Say?! What did he mean-- ‘Find Kevin’?” RT: “Ho! Not, ‘Find Kevin.’ ‘Find-- Heaven.’ He’s on a-- religious quest. Isn’t that right-- Liz?” LF: “You betcha. Davey hasn’t been the same since he saw George Burns’ face on a tortilla.” RT: [Laughs] PRC: “It’s no use! He knows! It’s true! It’s true! Kevin Sorbo’s gone missing! Oh, please don’t fire me, please! I throw myself on the mercy of the studio! Ahhh!” BS: “Ya lied to me.” [Slaps RT] RT: “I never said Kevin _wasn’t_ missing.” [Slaps BS] BS: “You never said he _was_ missing. You’re fired!” [Slaps RT] RT: “You can’t fire me-- I quit!” [Slaps BS] BS: “You can’t quit-- I fired you!” [Slaps RT] AK: “Oh, come on, guys! We’re all friends here.” [BS and RT slap him.] “Uh. Ahh! Ahh! Uhh! I’m blind. Mommy?” [LF punches AK.] BS: “You, you, you-- you-- you-- and you-- are all fired!” LF: “Thanks, Paul.” RT: “Well, it was fun while it lasted.” LF: “Maybe, Sinbad’s hiring.” JPB: “Nice poker face, you sniv’lin’ coward!” PRC: “Hey, wait a minute. That’s it-- poker face. [Snaps fingers] Uh! We bluff!” BS: “What’re ya talkin’ about?!” PRC: “Uh-- our show may not have a star, but, uh-- the audience doesn’t need to _know_ that.” RT: “Earth-to-Paul-- once they turn on their TV set, they’ll see-- no Hercules.” PRC: “Yeah-- but, what if that is the story-- you know? Like-- maybe Hercules is caught up in this-- this big-- vortex.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[PRC’s Voice: “Remember that-- vortex-- that led to a parallel world-- where everything was backwards?” I: “Ares? This is a-- a new look for you.” Alt Ares: “What did’ja expect? I am the god ‘a love.” Sovereign: “It wouldn’t kill you to let it _all_-- hang out.” Alt Aph: “Please-- no! It’s not ladylike.” I: “Aphrodite shy-- wow.” Sovereign [Laughs]: “Now, _that_-- is funny!” Alt X: “What is this?! You promised me an execution!” Sovereign: “I did-- didn’t I?” PRC’s Voice: “And Hercules had to fight his evil twin-- the Sovereign?” H: “Run, Iolaus!” Sovereign: “No. Noooooooooooo!” PRC’s Voice: “Well, why can’t we stick Hercules in the vortex, too?”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- PRC: “So-- while Hercules is trapped in the vortex, _all_ the other characters have to run around and help each other ta-- ta-- ta protect the _world_ from the Sovereign!” LF: “You idiot! Kevin Sorbo _played_ the Sovereign.” PRC: [Cries] RT: “Where do you think _you’re_ goin’?” AK: “Hey! Hollisonfoffer [sic] just _fired_ us-- remember?” RT: “Ooh. Ooh, good point. I’m going fishin’.” JPB: “Nice workin’ with ya.” LF: “Right[?]! See ya!” BS: “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Nobody’s going anywhere! Somebody has to handle this! You’re all rehired!” Group: “Whoo-hoo!” BS: “Now, if you’ll excuse me-- I have to call an emergency meeting with the board of directors! And I expect this to be taken care of, by the time I get back! Hat! I’m outta here!” MB: “Eric is on the line for you.” RT: “Eric. Ooh! Get Eric to the line. Yes, Eric-- go ahead.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- EG: “Did Kevin show up, yet?!” RT’s Voice: “I was gonna ask you the same thing.” EG: “I think the crew’s getting suspicious. They know something’s up. If they found out I lied to them-- I’m dead-- dead!” RT’s Voice: “Well, Eric, just keep your pants on-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “-- but for God’s sake, don’t zip ‘em up too fast-- it’s a killer.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Woman’s Voice: “Somebody’s gotta-- ” EG: “Uh-- Rob, I’ve got a little problem with one of the extras.” Man: “OK, everybody! That’s lunch!” EG: “Gotta go!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Well, fellas-- I’m afraid we’re gonna have to face the ugly truth. It’s time to find a new Hercules.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Beth Hymson, Casting Director [BH]: “What’s the matter? Somebody’s puppy die? Ooh-- tall, dark, and handsome. I miss you, Jer. A hard man’s good to find, these days.” JPB: “Well, I told you, Beth-- relationships are for the weak.” BH: “A week, a day? I’ll take an hour. Truth is, I only need a couple of minutes. How is Captain Happy-- hmm?” JPB: “Have mercy.” RT: “Look, could we just get started, already?” BH: “All right-- but don’t get your hopes up. It’s not easy trying to find qualified applicants on such short notice. Everyone-- this is Johnny Pinko [JP]. Say hi, cutey-pie. Shh. Save it. Johnny, here’s my gardener. He trims my hedges twice a week. You should see the size of his weed-whacker! OK, Studley?” JP: “Sure, but, uh-- I,I just got one question.” BH: “Hmm?” Everybody: “What’s my motivation?” BH: “Let me explain.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[BH’s Voice: “Hercules has _just_ met up with his old flame, Nemesis-- and she’s got _quite_ a _surprise_ for him.” Nemesis: “-- and you saved his life.” H: “And this-- would be Evander.” Nemesis: “Yes, it would-- Evander-- our baby. Shh-- sh-sh-sh.” H: “Our baby?” BH’s Voice: “But Nemesis has a secret-- and she’s too ashamed to admit the truth.” Ares: “He’s my son. You don’t wanna try me.” BH’s Voice: “But, it doesn’t matter to Hercules, who promises he’ll always look after Evander. H: “I’ll be back to see you-- every chance I get-- and before you know it-- I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle! And throw the discus. You don’t know it now-- but, one day-- you’ll realize you’re different-- and you’ll wanna be like everyone else-- but you never will be. You’re special. You’re very-- special. I will always be there for you-- always.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- BH: “Sock it to us, Pinko! And make it good.” JP: “One moment, please.” AK: “Hmm.” BH: “Mm-mm-mm.” JP: “Evander! I’ll be back to see you, every chance I get! Before you know it, I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle! How to-- how to throw the discus, huh?! It won’t be an easy life to live, but, uh-- I’ll be around to help, you know? I will-- be there!” [Cries] BH: “Whoo! Yes! Oh-- yes! Uh! Huh-huh.” JP: “Pretty good-- huh?” RT: “Uhh.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- “Cary Grant”: “Evander-- I’ll be back to see you-- every chance I get.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- “Ventriloquist”: [Mumbles incoherently] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Mime] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- “Elvis Impersonator” [Sings]: “Hey, Evander! I’ll be back to see you, every chance I get! Before you know it-- I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle and throw the discus! But, it won’t be an easy life to live but I’ll do-- ” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- LF: “Well-- if we ever make a show called ‘Rejects,’ we’ll know where to look.” RT: “Beth, what’re you doin’ to me?! I’ve seen better actors in a puppet show.” BH: “Well, what do you expect? You should’ve told me when you knew Sorbo was missing.” RT: “Whoa-- whoa, whoa. It’s not my fault, OK. It’s these damn writers. I thought they’d have something for me by now.” JPB: “Come on. Say that again-- please.” RT: “You wanna piece of me, tough guy? You’ll have to go through Liz.” PRC: “Ten bucks on Liz-- first round.” LF: “Come on!” AK: “Would you guys quit it?! I mean, come on! Now look-- we’re all working on a hit show, here. And no matter what happens, nobody can take that away from us.” PRC: “Except Kevin Sorbo.” MB: “Yeah-- we have Davey on line one, and Eric on line two!” JPB: “Yeah.” RT: “Yeah-- go ahead, Davey.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- DSP: “Kevin Sorbo’s not in Spain, man!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Davey-- just slow down-- take a breath.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- DSP: “I can’t slow down. My life depends on it-- you know?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “You see? Now, that’s the kind of commitment I look for in my employees. Now, if you folks had been working as hard as Davey here-- I’d be fishing now. Davey--remind me to give you a raise.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- DSP: [Screams] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Go ahead, Eric.” EG’s Voice: “Uh!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- EG: “The crew found out!” RT’s Voice: “Eric-- calm down. I can’t understand you.” EG: “I tried to pretend I was Kevin, but-- for some reason, it didn’t work! Oh, the horror! Get off me! I made you people!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Hey, you tell those idiots down there to behave, or they’re all fired!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- EG: “Oh! Oh! Tell my wife I love her! Tell my son what a great man I was!” [Screams] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “We lost him.” PRC: “We’re next! When the board finds out-- they’re gonna feed us to the mechanical shark in the amusement park! [Cries] Somebody’s gotta stop this insanity! Liz!” [She punches him.] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- BH: “Too ugly. Too blond. No. No. No. No.” MB: “I brought smelling salts.” RT: “No-- thanks, Melissa, I’m trying to to cut down. Oh-- hey, while you’re here-- take an inch or two off the top, will ya? I’m gettin’ a little shaggy.” MB: “Oh-- can I?! Oh, that would be the frosting on the cake of my day!” PRC: “Oh! Officer, they said they were 18. What happened?” LF: “Aftershock-- you slipped and fell on my fist.” PRC: “Oh.” RT: “All right, now people. We’re back to square one. How do we have a “Hercules” episode without-- Hercules?” [LF mouths something like, “Not now” to MB.] JPB [?]: “Well, sir-- um-- ” MB: “What about young Hercules?” LF: “Go on.” MB: “Well, he was a teenager once, wasn’t he? I mean-- when did he first meet Iolaus? And-- what was the first monster he killed? And how long has he been wearing those pants?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[MB’s Voice: “Hercules has always been a do-gooder. But remember that _Iolaus_-- was a thief.” Young I: “Don’t worry-- I’ll take it.” Young H: “No!” Young I: “Mine!” Young H: “Iolaus! Let-- !” MB’s Voice: “Maybe, they weren’t always such good friends. After all-- boys will be boys.” Teacher: “And remember--balance is the key.” Young I: “Ooh-- ooh. Ooh-- looks like Hercules is a little off-key. Balance-- is-- key!” MB’s Voice: “Maybe, he was even a little too cocky for his own good.” Young H: “Guess I beat Ares’ security system. That is a big snake.” MB’s Voice: “It would be just like the-- Wonder Years-- but with giant snakes!”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- PRC: “We’re saved!” RT: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Melissa-- you’re a genius!” BH: “Ah-- excuse me? I’d hate to be a party-pooper here, but, uh-- we’d have to re-cast the _entire show_-- and we haven’t even found one decent actor, today.” RT: “Well, Skipper’s got a point, too. Oh, but it’ll make a great spin-off. Melissa-- remind me to give you next Sunday off.” [MB mouths “Whoop-de-do!”] BS: “Comin’ through! The board of directors are animals. They want blood. If we don’t come up with something by 5 o’clock-- the show is cancelled.” RT: “What?!” [BS, then everyone else, starts to laugh.] MB: “Oops!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] BH: “What?! Bernie! Speak English! Are you telling me, he’d rather do a hemorrhoids commercial?! Fine! Fine. Then I’m sure he’ll enjoy-- sticking it where the sun don’t shine! Don Knotts won’t do it.” RT: “Well, keep at it, Beth. I don’t wanna see your face around here until you find me a new Hercules.” BS: “What are you gonna do? It’s almost 5 o’clock.” LF: “Actors-- I wish we could do away with them altogether.” RT: “Say-- that gives me an idea.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [[[[[[RT’s Voice: “What if we turn the show into a cartoon? Why, we could have a bunch of ‘toons doing all the things that made this show the money-making machine that feeds us all.” H: “I-- never-- quit! Bah! Bah! Uh! Now! Drop him!”]]]]]] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- RT: “Ha-ha! Cartoons! It’s perfect! They’re never late. They don’t complain. And they won’t ask for raises.” LF: “Hello?! Am I the only one in this room getting oxygen?! You still need Kevin’s voice! No Kevin-- no cartoon.” RT [In mimicky voice]: “No Kevin-- no cartoon.” JPB: “Well-- this is pointless. We should _surrender_-- while we still got our dignity!” PRC: “We’re ruined! I gotta get outta town! Quick!” AK: “Whoa! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Whoa! Now-- we-- have-- an idea. Go on-- tell ‘em.” RO: “You’re gonna love this.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Narrator: “This is the story of a time long ago-- a time of myth and legend-- when the ancient gods were petty and cruel-- and they plagued mankind with suffering. Only one animal dared to challenge their power-- Chimpules!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- AK: “Pretty great, huh?” RT: “Let me get this straight.” AK: “Yeah.” RT: “You guys sit there like _vegetables_ for six months-- and the first idea you come up with is-- ‘Chimpules’?!” AK: “Well-- we were _saving_ it for the right time.” BS: “How the fu** did they _get_ these jobs?!” RT: “Don’t look at me-- Liz hired ‘em.” LF: “I used to baby-sit for ‘em in high school. I didn’t realize they turned out to be such idiots!” AK: “OK. OK-- look. We didn’t go to film school for nothin’. And-- we’ve been working on this idea-- day and night. And frankly-- I think-- no-- I _know_-- you guys are jealous of our talent. And you know what?! It’s _not_ fair! It is-- _not fair_! Not fair! No-- ow!” [RO hits AK, then fight scene gradually ensues] AK: “I’ve had it with you! Die! Die! Owwww! My eye! Get your finger out of my eye!” MB: Excuse me. The board of directors are on the line. They’d-- like an answer.” BS: “Rob-- I’ve been in this business-- twenty years-- and I think it’s safe to say-- this is the _worst_ staff in the _entire_ history of television.” AK: “Ah! You smell, and your mother-- !” Woman’s Voice: “Smoke detected. Please evacuate the building in an orderly fashion. This is not-- ” JPB: “That’s it. Little Jerry ain’t foolin’ around, no more. Ooh! Uh!” RT: “Uh! Melissa, get me a towel, will ya? My hair’s melting.” MB: “Use my diploma, you dummy! It’s not doing me any good!” RT: “Ooh!” PRC: “Mr. Hollinsfoffer. I hope-- that this doesn’t reflect negatively-- on my s-situation.” [Screams] LF: “Ahh!” JPB: “Like that?! Huh?! Do ya?! Ooh! Oh!” LF: “Yeah!” AK: “You stinkin’-- !” [Fighting has broken out full-steam] AK: “Hi!” [Screams] JPB: “Ahhhhh! Die! Die! Die! Goddamn!” BH: “Is this a bad time?” Ares: “Oh!” Strife: “Yes!” Ares: “This-- is a great day, indeed.” Strife: “You said it, Uncle. Causing that earthquake-- it was a-- stroke of genius.” Ares: “I know my brother couldn’t put his show above innocent lives. Mudslides, fires, earthquakes-- I’ll bet he’s had quite the busy day. Oh-- nice!” Strife: “And now-- with these mortals about to uh-- kill each other? [Chuckles] The show’s as good as cancelled.” [Laughs] Ares: “Yes-- pretty soon, my brohter’s _legendary journeys_-- will be but a distant memory-- and I’ll be able to watch ‘Millennium’ in peace.” Strife: “I miss ‘Cop Rock.’” H’s Voice: “Oh, I’ll sing something for you.” Ares: “No. I do _not_ believe this! You can’t have rescued everyone in this city by now.” H: “It looks like you’ve-- underestimated me again, there, dear brother, but then-- what else is new?” Ares: “You are pathetic.” Strife: “Pathetic.” Ares: “Pretending to be a mortal-- this, this, this-- Kevin Sorbo character. And you know what Dad thinks about actors.” H: “Wait, wait, wait. Since when did you start caring about what Zeus thinks? Besides, the, uh-- world isn’t-- ready for the truth.” Ares: “This is not over, Hercules. We’ll meet again.” H: “Hmm-- have your people call my people. We’ll do lunch.” BS: “Kevin Sorbo!” PRC: [Laughs] LF: “Kevin!” H-as-Kevin Sorbo [KS]: “Am I-- interrupting anything?” PRC: “Uh! We’re saved!” [Laughs] BS: “Thank God!” LF: “We’ve been _so_ worried!” RT: “Ho! Ha! Ha! Kevin! I-- You’re-- ” PRC [Crying]: “Ohhhhhhh! Kevin! Can you ever forgive us?! We thought we could do the show without you?” AK: “Boy, were _we_ wrong, huh?!” RT: “It’s been a long day.” BH: “It’s true-- there’s only _one_ Hercules.” LF: “You’re telling me.” RT: “Uh, by the way, Kevin, um-- where in the hell were you all day?” KS: “Oh, I, uh-- I got-- stuck in-- traffic.” BS: “Hmm.” KS: [Looks at camera] “Hey, after all, I’m-- only human.” [Everyone laughs.] RT: “Kevin, we wanna talk to you-- ” Anchorwoman: “On the brighter side-- after one of the most destructive earthquakes in recent memory, we’re happy to report there have been zero casualties-- all thanks to a mystery man who performed miraculous rescues throughout the south land. If you’re watching-- whoever you are-- the city of angels owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you-- and good night.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------Click here to return to the HTLJ YES VIRGINIA THERE IS A HERCULES page.
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