Whoosh! Online
Edition Visit Tom's Page!

TRANSCRIPTION OF HTLJ
MY FAIR CUPCAKE




"My Fair Cupcake"  Episode 418/77

[TEASER]

1st Man:  "What's this?!"

2nd Man:  "Whoa!"

3rd Man:  "Hold your horses!"

Autolycus's [Auto's] Voice:  "Help!  Help!  Let me out, please!
I can't breathe!  Oh, for
the love of mercy!  Somebody, get me out of here!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh,
that's better."

Man:  "What?"

Auto:  "Yodel-ay-he-hoo!"

Man:  [Screams]

[Fight]

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "The old Delphi Carnival trick works every time.  Oh, ho,
ho.  And,
oh-- those
carny women-- heh-heh.  Let's see, here-- gowns, shoes-- uh, a
couple a'
lousy dinars on
the black market.  Not much profit in here.  Royal ball--
Antioch?
Ho-ho-ho-ho-- now
_this_ is priceless."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Cupcake's Voice  [Singing]:  "Don't mean to be indelicate,
But I don't want your etiquette."

Man's Voice:  "All right!"

Cupcake [singing]:  "If you think-- "

Man's Voice:  "Lookin' good!"

Cupcake [singing]:  "-- I'm just too crass.
Then you can kiss my sassafras!

"Yeah!  Let's have a ball, tonight.
Doing wrong can feel so right. 
Take my advice, and you'll be free! 
Come on, have a ball with me!
Come on, have a ball with me.
Come on, have a ball with me.

[Speaking]  "Thank you!  Thank you!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Cupcake:  "I warmed 'em up for you."

Woman:  "Thanks, Cupcake.  Tough act to follow."

Cupcake:  "Autolycus."

Auto:  "Hello, Cupcake.  You don't seem very thrilled to see me."

Cupcake:  "Well, it's-- just that I didn't expect to ever see you
again."

Auto:  "I know.  The truth is, I felt pretty bad about what
happened between
us-- and ever
since that time, I've been looking for a way to make it up to
you.  And
guess what?  I've
got a proposal for you."

Cupcake:  "You do?!"

Auto:  "How would you like to be a princess?"

Cupcake:  "A princess?  Uh, what's the catch?"

Auto:  "No, not what's the catch-- who's the catch?  And he's the
prince of
Antioch."

Cupcake:  "Oh, yeah, like that'll happen.  And I thought you came
here
because you cared
about me."

Auto:  "I did--  and I do.  You see, the prince can't become a
king without
a queen. 
Hmm, so what do you do?  You throw a royal ball and you invite
all the beautiful
princesses from around the land, and you, my sweet-- are going.
I might
just-- tag along."

Cupcake:  "'The prince of Antioch.'  Oh, hey-- he's the guy who
owns that famous
sapphire."

Auto:  "Really?  Say, where's the romance?  Is that all you can
think of?  A
man's
jewels?"

Cupcake:  "Hey!  This says, 'Princesses only.'  And I'm not a
princess."

Auto:  "Not yet."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

King Jorgas [K Jorgas]:  "The prince of Antioch is a monster!"

H:  "Now, calm down.  No man loved peace more than King Stephan."

I:  "Why would the son turn so unlike the father?"

K Jorgas:  "Ambition, power, greed-- take your pick.  Two of my
villages
have been
burned to the ground."

I:  "That's-- pretty convincing."

K Jorgas:  "I'll see him in Tartarus before he takes my kingdom.
That's why
I asked you
here."

H:  "Sorry, King Jorgas.  I won't help you start a war.  But give
us the
chance to prevent
one."

K Jorgas:  "You're too late.  The village of Perthia, on the
border-- do you
know it?"

I:  "Yeah, that's-- half Carpathian and half Antioch-- peacefully
coexisting
with each
other."

K Jorgas:  "Uh, not anymore.  The town is set to erupt.  Prepare
for battle!"

Soldier:  "Yes, sire!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

[ACT I]

K Jorgas:  "We'll divide our forces at Perthia-- one in the
north, one in
the south."

H:  "Don't you realize that hundreds of your people will die?"

I:  "Maybe thousands.  Is that what you want?"

H:  "Look, you asked for my help.  All I need is two days to sort
this out.
Well, come
on-- you owe your people that much."

K Jorgas:  "All right, Hercules-- but how will you save Perthia?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Cupcake:  "No!  No!  A thousand times, no!"

Auto:  "Now, that's only three-- unless my abacus is off."

Cupcake:  "Uh!"

Auto:  "Oh, uh-- did I mention?  You get your own-- castle?  With
beautiful-- twin
turrets?  Ooh.  Woo.  Say, what's with all the scrolls?"

Cupcake:  "Aw, Jeez!  I'm studyin'-- preparin' for the future--
'cause a
dancer's life is
short!"

Auto:  "Exactly.  You know?  You gotta get a second career.
Otherwise,
you're gonna
wind up in the old showfolks' home with the Minotaur man, the
bearded lady,
and the
human prune."

Cupcake:  "Hey, but why are you doing this?"

Auto:  "Well, gee, Cupcake, I-- just wanna see you happy.  And
how much
happier can
you be than living the life of a princess, huh?  Yes, that's my
reward in
all this-- that and
a-- certain sapphire."

Cupcake:  "But, it's deception."

Auto:  "Oh, I don't know about that.  Think of it as playing
another part--
your greatest
challenge ever."

Cupcake:  "Oh, but-- princesses have-- tutors and-- private
schooling, and--
silk
underwear."

Auto:  "Oh, Cupcake, you don't have to _be_ intelligent-- just
_act_ it.
And I'll work on
the underwear."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Flectus:  "What do you think _you're_ doing?!  This is an
_Antioch_ well!
Go drink from
that horse trough, Carpathian.  There's no water for you or your
kind, here!"

Carpathian:  "Fine-- but remember that bakery over there is a
Carpathian
bakery!  There's
no bread for you, here!"

Flectus:  "Bakery?"

I:  "Not a moment too soon."

Flectus:  "What bakery?!"

Villager's Voice:  "Fire, fire!"

H:  "Yeah, and maybe a moment too late."

Villager's Voice:  "Fire!"

Flectus:  "Go back to Carpathia!  We don't want you here!"

Carpathian:  "We don't want your kind here, either!"

[Fight]

H:  "Break it up!  Break it up!  Hey!  Enough!"

Villager:  "Hey, Hey!  Get him!  Yeahhhhh!  Yeahhhhh!"

H:  "Yeah.  That's enough!  Better.  Now, who started this?!"

Villagers:  "He did!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "All right, um-- say it again."

Cupcake:  "Aw, gee-- do I have to?"

Auto:  "Don't hunch your shoulders like that.  I want a nice,
straight
back-- head erect--
with a smile that says, 'I'm trapped overnight in a candy
store.'"

Cupcake:  [Clears throat]  "An angry Ares often errs
irrevocabably--
irrevaculably--
irrecolulably?  Oh, yeah-- like I'm ever gonna use _that_ in a
conversation!"

Auto:  "It's just a drill.  Don't jiggle."

Cupcake:  "Well, that, I can't help."

Auto:  "No, but I can."

Cupcake:  "Oh-- uh!"

Auto:  "I'm talking about these-- not those.  Those can move at
will."

Cupcake:  "Oh, that feels nice.  Hey, but- hey, but don't get too
used to
it.  If your plan
works-- we won't see each other, anymore."

Auto:  "That's true, Cupcake.  But sometimes, you've gotta lose
something
you treasure--
for a greater gain."

Cupcake:  "Oh, that's profound-- and so selfless."

Auto:  "I know.  I barely have any self left."

Cupcake:  "Oh."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Villager:  "It's because you're not cut out of that man!  What's
your
problem?!  There's
nothing to do with it!  Come on, man!"

H:  "All right, all right!  One at a time!  Any luck?"

I:  "No-- we searched the whole town."

Villager:  "That's because the guy that started this doesn't come
from here!"

Carpathian:  "Liar!"

Villager:  "You're a liar!"

H:  "Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Now, maybe he was just
looking for
a fight."

I:  "You mean, an agitator, sent to stir things up?"

H:  "Exactly.  You people of Perthia-- have lived all of your
lives in
harmony.  Your
homes are right next to each oher-- and now you let the words of
a stranger
turn you into
enemies!"

Carpathian:  "Well, what about our villages that the people from
Antioch
burned?"

H:  "I'm not so sure that they did.  King Jorgas doesn't want to
start a
war.  Give me your
word-- that you'll keep a truce until I can find out what is
what."

I:  "Come on, put your hands together."

H:  "Good.  Now, you can all start repairing the bakery--
together.  You go
to Antioch
and-- keep a lid on the prince until I get there."

I:  "What're you gonna do?"

H:  "I'm gonna find out who did this.  Then I'll bring King
Jorgas there,
myself-- even if I
have to carry him."

I:  "OK."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Cupcake:  "Oh, why can't I just be myself?"

Auto:  "Oh, you can Cupcake-- you should be, but-- not until you
get married
like every
other woman.  All right now, take a nice, deep breath"

Cupcake:  "Ooh!  Geez, Louise!"

Auto:  "Sorry, I guess I'm better at-- unlacing."

Cupcake:  "Married?!  Don't you rush me!  I'd never marry someone
I didn't
love.  I
mean, what if he turns out to be a jerk?!  I have known one or
two."

Auto:  "Really?  Well, you oughtta give this prince a chance, you
know?
He's young--
heir to a throne-- and possibly better-looking than me.  Well--
that's a
stretch."

Cupcake:  "I don't care.  I have to follow my heart.  Don't you
ever do that?"

Auto:  "I-- better check on the-- carriage."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "You know, just out of curiosity, what is with all the
scrolls?
We're going to a
ball, not a seminar."

Cupcake:  "Well, gee!  I wanna study up-- so I can discuss things
with the
prince."

Auto:  "Ha-ha-ha!  Phooey!  He's a man!  Talk about him.  All men
think they're
fascinating.  In my case, it's justified."

Cupcake:  "Uh, but, uh-- "

Auto:  "I know.  Why don't you just bat those baby blues, smile a
lot, and
don't say a
word?!"

Cupcake:  "Ooh, that's it!  Stop the coach!  Stop!  I want off!"

Auto:  "Whoa!"

Cupcake:  "Oh!"

Auto:  "That was a little obvious.  You might not wanna throw
yourself at
the prince."

Cupcake:  "Oh!  Don't you worry!  I won't embarrass you-- because
I'm _not_
going!"

Auto:  "Oh, ho-- wait, you can't quit!  Not after all the work
I've done!"

Cupcake:  "All the work _you've_ done?!  I've put up with
_crummy_ costumes,
too-tight 
shoes, stupid vocal drills-- as if I need them.  And now, you
don't even
want me to talk?! 
I hate you!"

Auto:  "Hey-- say that again."

Cupcake:  "I hate you?"

Auto:  "No, no, no, no-- like you wanna kill me."

Cup:  "I hate you!"

Auto:  "Good, once more."

Cupcake:  "I hate you!"

Auto:  "Hey!"

Cupcake:  "I hate you!  I hate you!"

Auto:  "By Zeus, I think you've got it!"

Cupcake:  "Oh, really?!"

Auto:  "Driver-- an extra dinar if you get us there posthaste--
if not
sooner.  Now-- there's
only one thing left."

Cupcake:  "Ohh."

Auto:  "Come up with a name.  Argatha, princess of Egypt?  Nah,
nobody would
ever
come that far."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Attendant:  "Argatha, princess of Egypt, and Hippolyta, princess
of Helos."

Prince Alexandros [P Alex]:  "Welcome to Antioch.  Thank you for
coming.  I look
forward to getting to know you."

Yellow Princess:  "The honor is mine."

Vitron:  "My Lord-- I just heard the news.  The Carpathians have
launched a
full-scale
war."

Attendant:  "Iolaus of Corinth."

I:  "Uh-- I've got a message from King Jorgas."

P Alex:  "Good-- I have a message for him, too."

Vitron:  "Jorgas pulled a sneak attack in Perthia."

I:  "No!  No, no, no!  He didn't!  Uh-- Hercules and I were there
this
morning.  There's a
truce.  And now, he's bringing the king to you, so he can
negotiate with you."

Vitron:  "He'll come, all right-- with ten thousand men."

P Alex:  "If Hercules brings him to Antioch-- he brings him to
his
execution.  This is my
message:  Death to all Carpathians."

Attendant:  "Hermia, princess of Carpathia."

Vitron:  "Seize her!"

Auto/Escort:  "Maybe we should've gone with 'Erin of Gaul.'"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

[ACT II]

Auto/Escort:  "Unhand the princess and myself!  You risk the
threat of war--
or at least a
vicious trade embargo."

P Alex:  "And who-- are you?"

Auto/Escort:  "I'm Autolycus-- the king--'s advisor-- and
protector of the
princess."

I:  "Autolycus-- I know exactly who this man is!  King Jorgas
would never
have let him
come here with his daughter-- unless his intentions were truly
peaceful."

Vitron:  "It's a trick."

I:  "How?  You have the princess at your mercy.  She's-- she's an
olive
branch extended
to prevent a-- a terrible catastrophe."

Auto/Escort:  "Ah, look, if we've come at a bad time, I-- "

Vitron:  "My Lord, don't be fooled  Throw them both in jail.  We
must
attack, now!"

P Alex:  "No-- we wait for Hercules."

Vitron:  "But, My Lord-- "

P Alex:  "I've made my decision.  Welcome, Hermia."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

I:  "Princess Hermia-- is a brunette!"

Auto:  "I knew that was a dye job!"

I:  "That is not her.  Who is she?"

Auto:  "Uh-- Erin of Gaul."

I:  "That is not a princess!  And you're here-- to steal the
sapphire of
Antioch."

Auto:  "You mean it's here in the castle of Antioch?!  Talk about
your wild
coincidences!"

I:  "Listen-- the only reason I covered for you was to _buy some
time_-- and
prevent a
war."

Auto:  "Oh, so now you _need_ me.  Well, let's start showing a
_little_ more
respect for
the man who's preventing a war.  I oughtta get a reward, like
the, uh,
sapphire of
Antioch?"

I:  "Look!  Your reward-- is that you're gonna be able to
disappear when
Hercules gets
here-- with_out_-- the jewel!  Huh?!  And in the meantime-- keep
your nose
clean!"

Auto:  "Maybe you should stop lookin' up my nose!  Heh!  Of
course, I guess
you can't
help it, huh?  Heh-heh!  Hah!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Woman's Voice:  "Here, you go!"

Man's Voice:  "Before ya know it, it's gonna be as good as new!"

[More Voices in background]

Flectus:  "Ah!"

H:  "Hello.  I had a feeling you'd be back."

Flectus:  "Stopping me won't stop the war.  It's bigger than me."

H:  "So am I.  Now, who's paying you to do this."

Flectus:  "King Jorgas."

H:  "Then, let's go say hello to your boss."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

I:  "Hi.  Are you all right?"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Oh, yeah.  Royal balls always make me
nervous."

I:  "Yeah.  Uh-- look-- I know you're not-- Princess Hermia."

Cupcake:  "Oh.  Is it that obvious?"

I:  "Well-- "

Cupcake:  "Oh, gee-- Why did I let Autolycus talk me into this?
I mean,
even if he thinks
he's doing me a favor, I-- "

I:  "Favor?  Wait-- do you know why you're here?"

Cupcake:  "Well, sure-- so I can meet Prince Alexandros-- hmm."

I:  "Did, uh-- Autolycus ever mention his-- hobby?  Um--
collecting things
that aren't --
collectible?"

Cupcake:  "What are you trying to tell me?"

I:  "He-- is using you-- to get him here-- so he can-- steal
something."

Cupcake:  "You're lying.  He is not a thief."

I:  "He's the one that's lying."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

I:  "I know this is gonna be difficult for you, but-- look-- I
have to prove
it.  The
sapphire's probably gone by now.  So is he."

Cupcake:  "There it is."

Auto:  "Beautiful, isn't it?"

Cupcake:  "I told you he wasn't a thief."

I:  "Couldn't get past the security, huh?"

Auto:  "Iolaus, why would I want to?  Come along, Dear.  Let's
practice our
diction."

I:  "Why don't you tell her why you're really here?!  And it's
not so she
can-- meet the
prince."

Auto:  "Never underestimate great talent-- especially mine.  I
personally
have groomed her
for this role."

Cupcake:  "Ohh!  If you're _gonna_ talk about me like I'm not
here, I'll
make it easier for
you!  Goodbye!"

Auto:  "Oh, Cupcake, I-- " 

I:  "That's her name?  Cupcake?"

Auto:  "Yes.  She's something, isn't she?  She's got fire, looks
and a great
set a'--
scrolls."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "Have yourself a wonderful evening.  I know I will."

I:  "Wha-- ?!  Where is she?!  The evening's half over."

Auto:  "Don't you worry about a thing.  She'll be here.  I've got
it all
figured out."

I:  "That's what I'm afraid of."

Attendant's Voice:  "Princess Hermia-- of Carpathia."

Auto:  "That's my cue."

Woman's Voice:  "She's absolutely radiant."

I:  "She's beautiful."

Women's Voices:  "She really glows!"  "Beautiful!"

I:  "Hmm.  What's wrong?"

Auto:  "Oh, uh-- nothing of any-- consequence."

Man's Voice:  "She moves so fluidly."

Women's Voices:  "There's something there."  "She's a _lot_ like
me."

Man's Voice:  "Vision of beauty."

P Alex:  "You look-- enchanting.  If you'd come earlier, our two
kingdoms
wouldn't be
preparing for war-- or looking for help from Ares."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "An angry Ares often errs, irrevocably
eradicating the
erstwhile
enemy."

P Alex:  "That's-- very interesting.  So, music and geometry are
connected!"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Yes, yes!  See, and that's why I think
Pythagoras is
_really_ onto
something with his theory."

P Alex:  "You're so different.  Most women just wanna flatter
me-- and I
hate that." 

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Oh, how funny!  Most _other_ men find
themselves
_fascinating_. 
And it's rarely justified.  Hm-hmm."

P Alex:  "Speaking of fascinating-- tell me more about yourself."

Woman's Voice:  "-- asked me to wear such an large gown.  I
mean-- really-- !"

I:  "Excuse me?  [Clears throat]  Um-- is this yours?  Uh-huh.
You're
welcome.  Oh!"

Black woman:  "Now, I remember!  My brother has a poster of the
showgirls at the
Panathenicon-- and _she_ looks _exactly_ like one of them.  Oh,
what was her
name? 
Twinkie.  Ding-dong.  Ho- ho!  Ah, something like that."

I:  "Well-- evening's almost over.  Looks like we're home free."

Auto:  "Are you kidding?  We were home free when she walked in."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  [Chuckles]

Vitron:  "My Lord-- you share a passion with Princess Hermia."

P Alex:  "Not yet-- but I'd like to."

Vitron:  "Euripides-- she played one of his classic roles.
Remember?"

I:  "Yeah, um-- Electra!  Her favorite!"

Auto/Escort:  "Uh, did I hear a rooster crow?  The princess must
be so tired."

P Alex:  "You must remember, 'Wouldst that the gods have made
thee clean of
soul.'"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "'Helen and thou, oh face and form were fair.
But
sisters twain they
were, a stain on Castor's star.'"

P Alex:  "That's one of my two favorite plays!"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Oh-- me too!  And I love 'Lysistrata,' and
what it has
to say about
war."

P Alex:  "That's the other one!"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Ah!"

P Alex:  "Would you care to dance?"

P Hermia:  "I would _love_ to."

Attendant:  "Ladies and gentlemen, please clear the floor for
Prince
Alexandros and
Princess Hermia."

I:  "'A stain on Castor's star'?"

Auto:  "Wow."

I:  "I knew once we scratched that shallow, selfish, egotistical
surface of
yours, we'd find
more of the same underneath.  [Laughs]  No, no, I'm just kidding.
Good work."

Auto:  "Yeah, I'm a regular genius."

Black woman:  "Mmm."  [Gasps]

I:  "Uh-oh."

Woman's Voice:  "Lovely!"

Black woman:  "Here, here."

P Alex:  "You're a terrific dancer."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Thank you.  You know, I sing, too."

P Alex:  "Oh, really?"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Uh-huh."

P Alex:  "I'd love to hear you some time."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Oh?  Well, how about now?  Ah!  They're
playing my song!"

I:  "What's she doing?"

Cupcake/P Hermia's Voice:  [Laughs]

Auto:  "Oh, she's ruining our plans."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

[ACT III]

Cupcake/P Hermia  [Singing]:  "A royal crowd has come to town.
The Prince has brought them here.
The girls are in their finest gowns--
A smile from ear to ear.

"But, underneath these fancy clothes,
There's always been a girl who knows.
To keep from feeling sad and blue,
And to herself she must be true.

[Man's Voice:  "Oh, wow!"]

"Let's have a ball tonight!
Come on, y'all!  Don't be uptight. 
Forget the pomp and circumstance.
Just let it all hang out and dance.

"Don't mean to be indelicate,
But I don't want your etiquette.
If you think I'm just too crass,
Then you can kiss my sassafras!

"Yeah!  Let's have a ball, tonight.
Doing wrong can feel so right. 
Take my advice, and you'll be free! 
Come on, have a ball with me!
Come on, have a ball with me.
Come on, have a ball with me."  [Chuckles]

Auto/Escort:  "Heh-heh.  How about that, huh?  Huh?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha."

Black woman:  "But wait!  She's just a dance-hall singer!  Oh-oh!
I've
never been so
humiliated!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "I know 'Euripdes'.  Oh, 'Euripides'-- that's my favorite
play.
Puh-lease!"

I:  "I don't get it.  You had the perfect diversion.  Why didn't
you use it?"

Auto:  "That, my friend, is the million-dinar question."

I:  "Yeah?  So, why didn't you grab the sapphire?"

Auto:  "Look, if I stole it, the jig would be up, and you're
tryin' to
prevent a war, aren't
ya?"

I:  "Oh, you're being noble!  Come on, who're ya tryin' to kid?!"

Auto:  "Only myself.  Of course, I want that jewel!  I should be
halfway to
Crete by now! 
How was I supposed to know that my _perfect_ plan would be turned
upside
down by a--
show girl?"

I:  "Ohhhhh-- so _that's_ what this is all about!  Ha.  Well--
call me
crazy-- but-- I think
you've fallen in love-- with your own creation."

Auto:  "OK-- you're crazy."

I:  [Chuckles]

Auto:  "And you-- are waaaaay off."

I:  "Oh, yeah."

Auto:  "OK?  Look-- if she wants to waste her time with that
handsome,
wealthy-- honest
prince-- well, that's just-- fine."

I:  "You know-- if you really want her, you're gonna have to come
clean
about your past."

Auto:  "Oh, how did I know you were gonna say that?  How far
back?  Fall was
slow.  Is
that far enough?" 

I:  "Uh-uh.  And-- you're gonna have to get a legitimate job."

Auto:  "As what?!  The-the king a' locksmiths?!"

I:  "Hey, now, that's catchy!"

Auto:  "Well, you're tryin' to force me into this!" 

I:  "Hey, listen-- this is bigger than you and Cupcake.  So-- we
wait here
for Hercules,
OK?"

Auto:  "OK."

I:  [Chuckles]  "Whew!"  [Chuckles]

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

H:  "Bring him in.  Your Majesty-- this man claims that you hired
him to
start a war
between Antioch and Carpathia."

Flectus:  "Yes.  You personally sent me to stir up trouble in
Perthia and
two other towns."

H:  "And what if the king denies this?"

Flectus:  "Then the king lies!"

H:  "He's not the king."

Flectus:  "Huh?"

H:  "Hmm."

K Jorgas:  "Good plan, Hercules.  Your punishment is death-- "

H:  "Unless, of course, you tell us who really-- put you up to
this?"

Flectus:  "Uh!"

H:  "Sorry, I-- don't know my own strength."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Darsus:  "Sir-- there's no sign of Flectus."

Vitron:  "How can the prince die in battle, when there's no war
with Carpathia?"

Darsus:  "And he seems genuinely interested in Princess Hermia."

Vitron:  "I know-- a marriage means peace.  I want her kingdom,
too, when I
take over
Antioch.  So-- Darsus-- we need a reason to retaliate
immediately.  And I
think I've got
one."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "Cuppy-- you know you want me.  Ohhh.  Cupcake-- I'm the
guy for you."

Cupcake:  "Autolycus-- it's me."

Auto:  "Oh-ho-- Cupcake, uh-- come on in."

Cupcake:  "Oh!  [Giggles]  Thank you for last night!  He's
wonderful."

Auto:  "Oh, uh-- no problem.  You know, it's-- just the two of
us.  You
can-- use your
normal voice."

Cupcake:  "I don't think I can, anymore.  _You_ have changed me--
hmm.
Thank you for
that, too."

Auto:  "Um-- hmm.  Let's-- talk about change."

Cupcake:  "Oh, I can't.  The prince summoned me."

Auto:  "I wanna be honest with you."

Cupcake:  "Well, sure.  And that's what I'm gonna be with
Alexandros."

Auto:  "I'm a thief.  As a matter of fact-- I am the king of
thieves."

Cupcake:  "Oh.  Then Iolaus was right.  You lied to me-- again."

Auto:  "No, see-- that's my whole point.  For the first time, I
didn't steal
anything."

Cupcake:  "The only reason I went through all this-- was so that
I could
spend time with
you-- to see if what we-- almost had before could-- "

Auto:  "Well, that's perfect, see, 'cause-- here's what I wanna
talk to you
about.  Um-- "

Vitron:  "Princess Hermia!"

Auto:  "Uh, yeah-- just a second.  What I wanna ask you,
Cupcake-- do you
think, that
there's a way-- ?"

Vitron:  "The prince is waiting."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Coming.  We'll talk later."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

P Alex:  [Clears throat]  "Princess Hermia, hmm.  [Sniff]  I've
become a
different person
since I met you."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Me, too.  And that's why I have a confession
to make.  I-- "

P Alex:  "Shh.  It'll have to wait."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "Uh, Iolaus!"

I:  "Hey!  How'd it go?!"

Auto:  "There's gonna be a fight!"

I:  "You mean, she took it that badly?!"

Auto:  "No, there's gonna be a fight!"

Bad guy's Voice:  "Get them!"

[Fight]

Auto:  "Ooh!"

Bad Guy:  "Up there!  To the prince's chambers!"

Auto:  "Oh!  Not the face!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

P Alex:  "I've only known you-- for a short while, but-- i-it's
enough for me."

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Alexandros-- first, you have to know-- "

Bad guy:  "Open up!  In the name of Carpathia!"

P Alex:  "You have betrayed me!"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "No!  Please believe me!  I-I never!  I-I
couldn't!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

[ACT IV]

P Alex:  "Where are the castle guards?!"

Vitron:  "Unfortunately, out on maneuvers-- my Lord.  Why do you
hesitate?
Kill him. 
Kill them both!  Now!"

[Fight throughout]

Auto:  "Alley-oop!  Hey-- rich boy!"

I:  "Woo-hoo!  Hoo!"

Cupcake/P Hermia:  "Alexandros!"

I:  "Hey!  Nice to see ya!"

H:  "It's good to be seen."

Two thugs:  "Ahhh!"

H:  "Not so fast, pal!  Iolaus!  Do you think you can handle the
rest of them?!"

I:  "Yeah!  Yeah, uh-- I got it!"

Auto:  "Ha-ha!  How ya doin', your Highness?"

P Alex:  "It's only a graze.  Thanks.  You saved my life."

Auto:  "Yeah, well, you know, it's seven years' bad luck to have
a-- dead
prince fall on
ya."

H:  "Oh, good-- you're done fighting."

P Alex:  "Vitron-- you're in some kind a' conspiracy with King
Jorgas."

K Jorgas:  "That's not true."

H:  "The king came with me-- to assure you of his friendship."

I:  "Anyone you know?"

P Alex:  "Darsus!  So it's true!  You-- you sent your daughter to
me in peace."

Cupcake:  "Uh-- "

K Jorgas:  "That's not my daughter."

P Alex:  "What?  Who are you?"

Cupcake:  "Uh-- I'm nobody.  I'm sorry.  I don't belong here."
[Runs off,
crying]

Auto:  "Uh, listen, I think I can offer a complete, yet brief
explanation.
This is all my
fault."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

P Alex:  "Cupcake!"

Cupcake:  "I'm so ashamed.  What's the penalty-- for
impersonating a princess?"

P Alex:  "None.  You don't ever have to pretend for me."

Cupcake:  "I don't?"

P Alex:  "No.  I love you just as you are."

Cupcake:  "You do?"

P Alex:  "I do.  Will you marry me?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "So, when's the date?  Soon, I hope.  You know, once you
get into
spring, all the
good halls are booked."

Cupcake:  "Well, funny-- the first thing I wanted to do was-- to
share it
with you."

Auto:  "Well, I appreciate that.  I-- guess it's not the sort of
thing you
wanna read in the,
uh-- Antioch Enquirer, huh?  Ha-ha.  Congratulations."

Cupcake:  "Thank you.  [Sighs]  But it's just all happening so
fast."

Auto:  "Well, last night-- he saw how beautiful you were-- how
talented--
and no-- you 
don't have to act it-- how intelligent you are."

Cupcake:  "He sees all that?"

Auto:  "I saw it.  I mean, he-- saw it-- too, of course.  So,
it's not hard
to understand why
he would want you-- bad is my guess.  [Clears throat]  It's a
little dry in
this castle, uh--
you might wanna do something about that when you're queen."

Cupcake:  "I've only felt this way-- once-- before."

Auto:  "That's funny-- the same here.  It just didn't work out."

Cupcake:  "Well-- as somebody once told me-- the person for you
is out there."

Auto:  "Sure-- all the best to you, Cupcake."

Cupcake:  "You know?  I truly thought that _you'd_ be the one for
me."

Auto:  "Yeah, I thought so, too.  I love you, Cupcake.  [Sighs]
Aw."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Auto:  "Aw, I gotta tell ya, Hercules.  This has been harder than
stealing
the Chronos
Stone out of Quallus' ball."

H:  "I know."

Auto:  "Tougher than snatchin' the sandals off a'-- old Hermes'
feet."

I:  "Well-- the girl that got away, huh?"

Auto:  "Two of 'em-- the princess _and_ the show girl."

H:  "Yeah, but thanks to you, there'll be a new alliance ensuring
peace for
their children."

Auto:  "Thanks to you, I'm going broke.  See ya later, fellas."

I:  "Hey, hey, hey, wait-- aren't ya gonna stick around for the--
official
announcement?"

Auto:  "Oh, no-- you haven't seen me cry.  Believe me, it's not a
pretty sight."

I:  "Ah-- you're-you're gonna be OK, aren't cha?"

Auto:  "Oh-- sure-- eventually.  All I have left right now is--
one-- shiny
memory."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

H:  "One shiny, _blue_ memory."

I:  "Hey, Herc, Herc-- wait.  You know-- things have gone so
badly for him.
Why not let
him keep it for a while?"

H:  "Yeah-- you're right.  OK, that's long enough."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
--------------------

Click here to return to the HTLJ MY FAIR CUPCAKE page.



Episode
Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!