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TRANSCRIPTION OF YH
NO WAY OUT (A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE)



“No Way Out”  Episode 14/114

[TEASER]

H:  “Oh-- yes!  Whoo!  Very nice.”

Lilith [Lil]:  “Why, thank you.  I’ve been working on it all morning.

H:  “Really?  Well-- that means-- that you need to take a break.  So-- I’m gonna go pick some mushrooms for dinner.  You wanna come?”

Lil:  “What are you talking about?  Huh-- you _hate_ mushrooms.  Besides-- I wanna get this move down.”

H:  “Hold on.  Now, you already won the Dacuda.  Don’t you think that the best cadet in the academy should give herself the day off-- huh?  I do.”

Lil:  “Well, you see, the problem with being number one is-- one ’a you guys is always trying to take my title.”

H:  “Whoa!  Uh-- y-you know, Cheiron says that there’s more to bein’ a warrior than just training.  You know?  There’s, uh-- ya-- ya gotta develop your character.”

Lil:  “Wa-wa-wa-wait-- you want me to go _mushroom_ picking to build character?”

H:  “OK, fine.  You know what?  I come in here.  I try to be nice.  You don’t wanna come with me?  OK.”

Lil:  “Hercules-- OK, OK-- I’ll go mushroom picking.”

H:  “Some pretty good moves back there, huh?”

Lil:  “Yeah-- watch and learn.”

I:  “OK?  So, now what?”

Ja:  “Now we decorate.  Can’t have a good surprise party without major decorations.”

I:  “Uh-- isn’t it enough that Lilith won the Dacuda?  Ooh-ooh-- you know, and showed the rest of us up?”

Ja:  “She trained hard, Iolaus-- so, I think it’s the least we can do.”

I:  “Great.  So what do you got on the list, party-boy?”

Ja [Chuckles]:  “You’re the party animal.”

I:  “Me?  Oh, no, no-- I never threw parties.  I just crashed ‘em-- thought-- there was that time I helped organize-- the all-the-- ”

Ja and I:  “-- pork-you-can-eat competition at the village fair!”

I:  “Yeah-- it was kind of messy, though.”

Ja:  “Yeah, sum’in’ classier than that.”

I:  “Hmm-- like the parties you used to have at the palace.”

Ja:  “Exactly.”

I:  “Exactly.  So-- you won’t be needing the input from a little old farm boy like me.”

Ja:  “Ah-- not so fast there, farm boy.  The palace staff set those up, not me.  Everyone’s expectin’ us to throw Lilith a great surprise party.”

I:  “We’re in big trouble.”

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H’s Voice:  “Now, only get the mushrooms that are not poisonous, and don’t eat any until Cheiron’s checked ‘em out.”

Lil:  “How could something that tastes so good, come from such a disgusting place?  I think the bigger ones are down the back.”

H:  “Uh, uh, wait.  Lilith.”

Lil:  “What is it?”

H:  “Uh-- I don’t know.  Just uh-- somethin’ doesn’t seem right, you know?”

Lil:  “Yeah.  I’m the one who’s doing all the work.  You comin’?”

H:  “Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!”

Lil:  [Yells]

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[ACT I]

H:  “Lilith!  Lilith!  Lilith!”

Lil:  “Owwww!  Owwww!  Ow!  I can’t move my leg!”

H:  “OK.  Uh-- OK.  OK.  You’re hurt pretty bad.”

Lil:  “How bad?”

H:  “Pretty bad.”

Lil:  “Come on, Hercules!  Tell me the truth!  You took first aid!”

H:  “Well, it’s-it’s pretty, uh-- you’re gonna be fine-- perfect.”

Lil:  “Come on, man!  You brought me here!  You brought me mushroom picking!  What?!”

H:  “Shh.  Listen to me.  If we’re gonna get through this, we have to do it together, OK?  Work with me.  Now, listen.  I’m just gonna move this rock, all right?  OK.”

Lil:  “Uh!  Uh!  Ow!  Uh!”

H:  “What?  What?”

Lil:  “My head hurts.”

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I:  “Ooh-- I know.  How ‘bout like a military theme.  You know?  We could have some weapons on the wall over there-- a couple of swords hangin’ over the archway.  Huh?”

Ja:  “Yeah.  Yeah.  So it can look-- like it does now.”

I:  “Hmm.  OK, well, if you’re so smart, you got any ideas?”

Ja:  “Well, in case you haven’t noticed-- Lilith just isn’t a cadet, she’s also a girl, and girls are-- well, complicated.”

I:  “Hmm.  Well-- all we need to do is figure out what a girl cadet would want, and-- bingo.”

Ja:  “Bingo.  What are you doing?”

I:  “Just getting in touch with my feminine side.”

Ja:  “OK.  I’m gonna go, uh-- away from you.”

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H [Whispers]:  “It’s OK.  It’s OK.”

Lil:  “Marcus!  Uh!  Oh!  Marcus!”

H:  “Lilith.  Lilith.  Lilith.  Lilith.  Listen to me.  Listen to me.”

Lil:  “What?”

H:  “You were dreaming again.  OK?  Listen, I’m gonna go over there, OK, you see?  Right over there.  Now, I want you to keep talkin’ to me, though, OK?  Um-- tell me who Marcus is.  Who’s Marcus?”

Lil:  “One of my brothers.”

H:  “You two close?”

Lil:  “We were.  He-- he died-- protecting our village from bandit attacks.  I was only eight.  He got hurt real bak, and I tried everything I could to make him better, but-- I couldn’t!”

H:  “I’m sorry, uh-- what about your parents?”

Lil:  “They died, too.  I was so young, I-I-- I don’t even re-member them.”  [Coughs]

H:  “Here, uh-- here.  Drink this.  You need some water.  Uh-- so, um-- did you say somethin’ about bandits, huh?”

Lil:  “Huh?  Yeah.  I really wanted to fight ‘em.  I was so young.  I-- I made myself village lookout?  You know?  I cou-I could sense trouble.”

H [Whispers]:  “Yeah.”

Lil:  “A-and when I did-- I used to-- signal my brothers-- like this.”

H:  “Lay down.”

Lil:  “Ow.”

H:  “And the, uh-- good.  OK?  The rest of you survived the attacks, huh?”

Lil:  “Yeah-- after that, my big sister looked after my other brothers and I.  She tried really hard, you know.  But she couldn’t understand me.  She wanted me to be like her, you know, looking after our home?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Lil:  “She didn’t-- know-- that I needed something different.”

H:  “Well-- to be a warrior, right?”

Lil:  “Hmm-- like Marcus.  You know-- I-I was so small, I could-- catch an opponent off-guard.  Hmm-- but soon they knew me-- and I had to learn to fight ‘em.  That’s when I came to the academy.”

H:  “You taught the rest of us how to fight.”

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Ja:  “Hmm-- extra cream pies.  We need extra cream pies.”

Kora:  “I’ll get some more made up.”

Ja:  “Uh, and your, uh-- boar-kabobs.  They love your boar-kabobs.  What do you think?”

Kora:  “Jason.”

Ja:  “Oh, no.”

I:  “So-- isn’t this just _great_?”

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Lil’s Voice:  “I’ll never fit through there!”

Lil:  “No!  Oh!  Oh!  No, Hercules, this isn’t working!  You’re gonna have to find another way out!”

H:  “I’m not leaving you here, all right?!”

Lil:  “No!  Now, Hercules!  It’s too painful!  Please, put me down!”

H:  “I’m not _leaving_ you here!”

Lil:  “Hercules!  Put me down.  Oh.”

H:  “Listen.”

Lil:  “Ow!”

H:  “I’m gonna come back with every cadet in the academy, all right?  We’ll be back soon.”

Lil:  “OK”

H:  “OK.  All right.”

Ares:  “Save your tears, cadet.  You’ll need them for when I use you to destroy Hercules.”  [Laughs]

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[ACT II]

Lil:  “Marcus!  Hercules?  Are you there?!”

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Ares’ Voice:  “Lilith.”

Lil:  “Yes?  Who are you?”

Ares:  “A friend-- a healer.  Hercules sent me.  He said he’d be back soon with help.”

Lil:  “Hercules-- Hercules got out?  Oh-oh-- thank the Fates.”

Ares:  “Yes, but-- he’s injured.  You must help him when he returns.  Minister to him.  You cannot let him die-- not the way you let your brother die.”

Lil:  “Marcus?  Marcus?”

Ares:  “Hercules needs medicine-- the way Marcus did.  Only this time-- you _can_ save him.”

Lil:  “No-- but I don’t have any medicine.”

Ares:  “Shhh.  Give him a drink-- and he will be healed.”

Lil:  “That’s all?”

Ares:  “Heal him.”

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Ja:  “This is what you call getting in touch with your feminine side?!”

Kora:  “Boys.”

I:  “Yeah, that’s beautiful.”

Kora:  “Guys!”

I:  “It’s a beautiful piece of work!  
Ja:  “It’s a pig!”

Kora:  “Boys!”

I:  “So what-- ?!”

Ja:  “It’s ridiculous!”

Kora:  “Come on!”

I:  “It’s a girl!”

Kora:  “Guys!”

Ja:  “This-- is what I think of your decoration!”

Kora:  “Oh!  OK!”

I:  “You touched my pig!”

Kora:  “All right!  OK!”

I:  “You totally touched my pig!”

Ja:  “Yeah!”

I:  “Man, I-- ”

Ja:  “Don’t push me!”

I:  “What am I gonna do without a pig?!”

Ja:  [Laughs]

I:  “Oh-- it’s so on!”

[Fight]

Kora:  “Guys?  Guys?  OK, I’m leaving.  OK?  You’re gonna regret this.  Bye.”

Ja:  “What?!  What?!”

I:  “See what you did?!”

Ja:  “Me?!  Ah.”

Cheiron:  “Good afternoon, gentlemen.”

Ja:  “Yeah.”

Ja and I:  “Hey.”

Ja:  “Hey, Cheiron.”

Cheiron:  “How are the party preparations coming?”

Ja:  “Oh, yeah-- just, uh-- you know?”

I:  “Just, uh-- sampling the desserts.”

Ja:  “Uh, yeah.  Oh-- ”

I:  “Yeah.”

Ja:  “Just, uh-- ”

I:  “Mmm.  It’s good.”

Ja:  “Good party.”

I:  “Yeah.”

Ja:  “Real good.”

Cheiron:  “Good.”

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H:  “Lilith, I got it!  It’s just over here.  Lilith.  Lilith, wake up.  Wake up.”

Lil:  “Huh?”

H:  “I found a way out.”

Lil:  “Oh-- did you see him?”

H:  “Did I see who?”

Ares’ Voice:  “The bag.  Offer him the bag.”

Lil:  “Y-your friend-- the-the healer.”

H:  “No, um-- you were probably just dreamin’, again, OK?  Listen, come on-- you’re gonna feel so good once I get you outta here.”

Ares’ Voice:  “It’s all up to you.”

Lil:  “I-it’s all up to me.  Hercules-- ”

Ares’ Voice:  “Don’t let him die like Marcus.”

Lil:  “Your friend-- made me promise for you to drink this.”

H:  “Uh-- oh, oh-- ”

[[[[[[Lil’s Voice:  “Remember how I helped my brothers?”

H:  “Uh-- OK.  Listen, uh-- if you promise-- I’ll drink it.  Okey-dokey?”

Ares’ Voice:  “Do it now!”

Lil:  “Hercules?  Are you OK?  Hercules!  What?!  Hercules-- what-what-- what’s happening to you?!  No!  Huh-- why won’t you answer?!”

Ares:  “Because it’s darn difficult to hear when you’re dead.”

Lil:  “Who are you?!”

Ares:  “Oh, it hurts you don’t know me.  I’m Ares, god of war.  And don’t you think it was par-ticularly shameless of me, pretending to be a healer-- huh?”  [Laughs]

Lil:  “No-- no!  What have you made me do?!  What have you made me do to him?!  No-oh!”

Ares:  “Just-- stop.  You are ruining-- my finest moment.  Father’s favorite-- protector of pathetic mortals.  Oh, I-- I dreamed-- dreamed of this moment.”

H:  “Well-- keep dreamin’, Ares.”

[Fight]

Ares:  “Huh?”

Lil:  “Hercules!  It worked!  You’re alive.”

H:  “Thanks for the signal.  I guess you weren’t as far gone as I thought, huh?”

Ares:  “You two done yet?”

H:  “Ares.  You know-- it wouldn’t ’a taken a brain surgeon to figure out my ‘brother’ was behind all this.”

Ares:  “That’s very funny.  It is not-- _nice_-- to fool the god of war!”

H:  “Why don’t you just let us go, all right?  I mean-- we both know you’re not allowed to hurt me.”

Ares:  “Oh, yeah.  That’s right.  I guess your _girlfriend’s_ gonna have to do.”

Lil and H:  “Hey-- we’re just friends, OK?”

Ares:  “Ooh-- nasty.”

Lil:  “Hey, Hercules.  Catch.”

Ares:  [Laughs]

H:  “Hey, Lilith!”

Lil:  “What?!”

H:  “Go!”

Ares:  “No!”

H:  “Come here!  I’ll help you!”

Lil:  “No!”

Ares:  “This isn’t over!”

H:  “Yeah-- I know.”

Lil:  “Yah!”

Ares:  “Hercules!  I owe you for this, little brother!”

H and Lil:  [Yell]

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H:  “Sorry.  You OK?”

Lil:  “Man, is all your family like that?!”

H [Chuckles]:  “I hope not.”

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Lil and H:  “Whoa.”

Lil:  “What’s going on?”

H:  “Mmm.”

Lil:  “Huh?”

H:  “I don’t know.”

Lil:  “Ow.  Ow.  Ow.  Ah.”

Cadets:  “Surprise!”

Lil:  “What?!”

Cheiron:  “It’s for you, Lilith-- for winning the Dacuda comptetition for the best cadet.  We’re all proud of you.”

Lil:  “And you knew about this?”

H:  “Well-- maybe.”

Lil:  “Oh, well, thank you.  Thank you all so much.  I-- I have a lot to celebrate, today”

Cheiron:  “Everyone worked really hard to get this celebration together-- especially Iolaus and Jason.”

H:  “Oh, uh-- where are they?”

Cheiron:  “The, uh-- party preparations really took their toll.  Speaking of which-- what happened to the two of you?” 

H:  “Uh-- well-- uh-- mushroom pickin’.”

Lil:  “Uh-huh.”

H:  “Mm-hmm.”

Lil:  “Yeah-- uh-- it sure was, uh-- character building.”

H:  “Mmm.”

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