Whoosh! Issue 12 - September 1997

AMAZON TALK SHOW
Special to WHOOSH!
By Joanna Sandsmark
Copyright © 1997 held by author
927 words



Editor's Note: With all this Amazon High, Amazon Nation, Amazon Undies, and other various Amazon spin-offs being bandied about in Hollywood, Whoosh! was fortunate enough to be leaked some pages from yet another spin- off, Amazon Talk Show.



Amazon Talk Show



INT. AMAZON TALK SHOW - DAY

The audience is filled with scantily clad women. Applause rings out and Ephiny enters, smiling.

EPHINY
Hi! And welcome to
"Absolutely Amazon." We've got
a great show for you today.
Thanks to Hades, Lord of the
Underworld, we've got a direct
feed to Queen Melosa in the
Elysiacam segment. Hades --
we owe ya, big guy. And
today's cooking segment is
"bread and cheese, it's not
just a trail snack any more."
But first, our special guest
-- Xena, the Warrior Princess
and our on again/off again
queen, Gabrielle!
The audience erupts in wild applause except for a lava-covered tornado in the corner. Xena and Gabrielle enter and take a seat.

XENA
When you sent the urgent
message, Ephiny, we assumed
there was some sort of
trouble--

EPHINY
(sotto voce)
This *is* trouble, Xena.
Solari canceled at the last
minute because she was gored
by a stag and hates to bleed
publicly. I didn't know where
to turn.
(normal voice)
Welcome, Xena! Gabrielle! Hope
all is well with you two crazy
kids. Fought any good villains
lately?

GABRIELLE
Well, oddly enough, we seem to
have this weird thing happen
during summer where everything
is like a huge case of deja
vu. It's almost as though
nothing new happens at all, we
just relive old battles.

XENA
Enough to drive ya nuts.

GABRIELLE
Yeah.

EPHINY
Sorry to hear that. But surely
you have some exciting
adventure to share.

XENA
Nope.

GABRIELLE
Can't think of one.

XENA
Been pretty dull.

GABRIELLE
Same old same old.
Ephiny checks her watch, panicking at the amount of time still left in the show.

EPHINY
Um... So... Xena. Being dead.
What's that like, anyway?

XENA
Isn't Melosa on today's show?
She'd be better at that
question than me. I just hung
out on a cross for a couple
minutes, had some video
bubbles float by, then
inhabited the body of a thief.
Not much to tell.

EPHINY
Oooo-kay. Gabrielle -- being
queen. How do you like it so
far?

GABRIELLE
Well... er... You've actually
been queen much more than me.
I just held up a mask, ordered
my best friend's body burned
then ran off with her casket.
Not an auspicious reign,
really.

EPHINY
(desperate)
Perhaps you can give us some
thoughts on what being an
amazon means to you.

XENA
I'm not an amazon.

GABRIELLE
I'm adopted.

EPHINY
(giving up)
We'll be right back after this
short break.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)
...And we're out.

EPHINY
(sarcastically)
Thanks buckets, gals.

GABRIELLE
Can we stay for that bread and
cheese thing, Xena? Please?

XENA
All right. I sorta want to see
the Elysiacam anyway. It's fun
playing "name that dead guy"
while looking at the crowd in
the background.

GABRIELLE
Cool! Maybe we can see every
man I've ever looked twice at.

XENA
Slut.

GABRIELLE
Oh, like you don't have a
bunch of suitors down there?

XENA
Not very many in the Elysian
Fields, actually.

DIRECTOR
...5, 4, 3, 2...

EPHINY
Hi, and welcome back to
Absolutely Amazon! Let's check
in on the Elysiacam and give a
warm Amazon greeting for the
late Queen Melosa!
Calls of "koo koo" can be heard in the audience as well as "olay, olay oh la!" The big screen is fuzzy at first, then we see chaos.

EPHINY (cont'd)
Great. What's up in the Fields?

XENA
Looks like someone stole
Hades' helmet again. That god
can't hold onto the dang thing
for five minutes. See what I
mean? Same old adventures,
over and over again. At least
it explains that d*mn Marcus
ghost we saw in the woods
earlier.

(brightening)

Oooh, look! Philaphestes! We
used to be quite an item 'til
I had to kill him.

(waving at the screen)

Hey! Phil! Hey!

PHILAPHESTES (ON SCREEN)
Xena? That you?

XENA
How the hades are ya?

PHILAPHESTES
I'm great! Dead, but great!
Phil is suddenly beheaded by a rogue and we see a tight shot of his head.

PHILAPHESTES (cont'd)
Rats. This is inconvenient.
Talk to you later, Xena, I
gotta find me some
superglue...

XENA
Seeya in a few.

EPHINY
Has anyone found Melosa?
Ephiny is shouting at the screen. Gabrielle is eating the bread and cheese display and Xena is blowing kisses at most of the men and women from Tartarus. Hades jumps in front of the Elysiacam.

HADES
Everything's under control. No
need to worry. Um... Xena?
Feel like taking a swim?

XENA
(sighing)
All right. C'mon, Gabrielle.

GABRIELLE
(her mouth full)
Jussa sec...

XENA
Be great to see the old gang again.

EPHINY
We still have 20 minutes left
to go. Er... make that 20
candle bits or something like
that.

XENA
Wing it. You'll do fine.

HADES
Xena! Now!!

XENA
(grumbling to herself)
Call a guy a god and he gets so
demanding.
Xena grabs Gabrielle by her bilious green sports bra and they exit. Ephiny stands alone on stage for a second then sits down in a chair.

EPHINY
And now our surprise guest --
me! In 'Love: Centaur Style!'
So, Ephiny, I hear you married
a centaur. That's right,
Ephiny, I did, but he died.
You're really opening some
wounds here. Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, Ephiny...

FADE OUT.
THE END


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