[18] PART III: ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT



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Texans and armadillos are great fans of the arts


[19] Section (A)
MacGAB BARDISH CULTCHA

BARDELLO: An inn or tavern where bards gather to display their talents, and where patrons pay a nominal fee to sample those talents. Example: "No, Gabrielle, we're not going to visit the bardello tonight; I have a headache."

BARMONICA, GABPIPES, AND GABOLIN: Musical instruments occasionally played off-key in between telling tales of great warriors.

GABBING PLASTER: The official art material of Gabdom. (No further explanation is offered.)

GABBISH CELEBRITIES: The Bard's descendants on the silver screen include Greta Gabbo, Gabbie Reynolds, Gidget Bardot, Bardbra Streisand, Clark Gable, Gabarine Hepbard and Gabby Hayes. The famous operatic diva Kathleen Gabattle is also presumed to be a Gabbish descendent, as well as the incomparable Spanish artist Gablo Picasso.

GABLATURE: Pan flute fingering chart

GABRICON: World Wide Convention of bards held each year in a different city. Bardish fans dress up as their favorite bard.

GABRIOLET: A form of bardic performance which involves alternating story episodes with musical can-can interludes (in which high kicks play a prominent part). Example: "Xena, how do you think the story of Prometheus would come across in a gabriolet format?"

GABSOLUTIST: A bard who has no talent whatsoever on the pan flute and must switch to another instrument.


[20] Section (B)
THE PERFORMING BARDS
(Theatuh classics attributed to the Bard)

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S GABRIELLE: With Gabby Hayes in the role of Obardon and Gabbie Reynolds as Titania. Everyone's favorite fantasy.

ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WITH GABRIELLE: Shakespearean fluff, but funny in spots.

ANTONY AND GABRIELLE: The most famous production of this play was staged by the RSC director John Bardon, in which Patrick Stewart won the Olivier for his portrayal of Enobardbus. Highlight: Xena kills the asp with her Chakram.

BARD ON THE ROOF: The prize-winning Bardway musical based on Sholem Aleichem's story of a bard and her five dowryless daughters. Features the song, "If I Were a Rich Bard".

BRIGABDOON: Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical adaption of Renee O'Connor's life story. Some liberties were taken with the score, as the rousing song "Poteidaia" is sung to the tune of "Oklahoma" and several scenes supposedly of ancient Greece have a remarkable resemblance either to AstroWorld or suburban Aukland, New Zealand.

GABARET: One of the most brilliant musicals ever made, with bravura performances by Renee O'Connor as both Sally and the m.c.; her role as the latter was later reprised in Victor/Victoria.

GABLET: In this Joseph Papp production, Gabrielle takes center stage for a 5 act monologue before Xena rescues her from her stepfather.

GREECE: Perennial Bardway favorite with female lead, Sandy, played by Gabby Newton John.

HEDDA GABLER: Henrik Ibsen's enduring drama about a bardic femme fatale who is irresistible to the males in her town, all of whom meet with disaster.

MACGAB: The Lady Callisto and the three Fates meet Clan MacGab.

MUCH ADO ABOUT GABRIELLE: 'Nuff said, even if it is rated R.

ROMEO AND GABRIELLE: A cheerier retelling of the Shakespearean classic; in the Clan MacGab production, Xena saves Gabrielle before she can take the poison.

WAITING FOR GABOT: This time it's Xena waiting by the lake when Gabrielle decides to visit Grandma's house in the Elysian fields.


[21] Section (C)
POESY PICTURES

ALI GABBA AND THE FORTY THIEVES: Tapert and Raimi's most recent Hercules spinoff, with Autolycus in a pivotal role. (43 mins)

BARDHEART: The Oscar-winning epic starring Mel Gabson, from which the costumes for XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS were recycled along with a few dozen pineapples. (180 mins and six rousing speeches)

GABABLANCA: A melodrama of wartime intrigue, starring Humphrey Bobard and Ingrid Bardman. The film that coined the unforgettable line, "Play it again, Gab".

GABBY AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' (1955) w/ Rory Calhoun & Gabpiper Laurie. Amusing comedy about a naive Poteidaian farm girl who bonds with a saturnine warrior princess and then has to learn how to get along in Thracian high society. (82 mins)

GABUIRRE, THE WRATH OF THE GODS (W. Germany, 1972) A party of Thessalian warriors plow through the Mitoan jungle in search of a healing temple. Rife with the disquieting imagery of director Werner ("Don't call me Bacchus") Herzog. (served with coffee)

GONE WITH THE BARD: The siege of Aukland by MCA is masterfully captured in this bardific spectacle. One of the Gabster's most famous descendants, Clark Gable, utters the famous line, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Gab".

THE GOOD, THE BARD, AND THE UGLY: Action/adventure movie featuring Xena as the town's sheriff, Gab as her sidekick, as they rid the west--and New Zealand--of outlaw warlords.

RAGING BARD: The film biography of a middleweight champion boxer starring ROCbert Dinaro. The role was reprised by Renee O'Connor as Gabrielle in the XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS episodes, THE GREATER GOOD (#21) and THE RETURN OF CALLISTO (#29).

THE GABFATHER: A superlative gangsta film with Marlon Bardo as the aging head of a powerful Mafia clan. In GABFATHER II, Don Vito is rescued from Tartarus by Gabrielle, the beserker widow.

THE UNSINKABLE GABBY BARD: The XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS adaption of the movie originally starring Gabbie Reynolds. The story of a spunky Poteidaian farm girl who seeks out warlords, adventure and a warrior princess with nonstop energy. Includes a great musical number done after Gabby's been snubbed by Corinthian 'high society', "She's My Friend". (120 mins)

A WARRIOR IS BORN: The cliched Hollywood story of a husband forced into second place by his wife's success as a traveling bard, made palatable by a superb performance by Judy Bardland (of "The Wizbard of Oz" fame) and featuring the wonderful song, "The Bard That Got Away". (3 & 1/2 Hankies)

Scheduled for re-release: THE GABSENT-MINDED PERFESSOR, GABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN, BARDOCCO (w/Isabelle Gabjani), THE GREAT GABSBY, and that perennial favorite, THE ROCCI HORROR PICTURE SHOW. The old Tyrone Power classic, GABANDON SHIP, was remade by the XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS crew, this time adding a Roman twist to the plot.


[22] Section (D)
BARDARIA
(Classical Gabberish musical compositions recently discovered)

DIE MEISTERTHINGIES VON POTEIDAIA: A previously unknown opera by Richard Wagner recently discovered in a bathroom of the castle Neuschwanstein during renovations.

Other "Lost" Operatic Works:

by Gilbard & Sullivan: THE PIRATES OF POTEIDAIA

by Mobard: THE MAGIC PAN FLUTE (Die Zauberpanfloete)
THE MARRIAGE OF GABRIELLE (Le Nozzi di Gabriella)
COSI PAN FLUTIE

by Offenbard: LA BELLE GABRIELLE
THE TALES OF GABRIELLE

by ROCsini: THE BARD OF SEVILLE (Il Bardiere di Siviglia)

by Strauss, J.: THE GYPSY BARD (Der Zigeunerbard)

by Weinbarder: GABBY THE BAGPIPER

And the divas who belt them: Cecilia Bardoli, Kathleen Gabattle

Ballets: THE NUTBREADCRACKER
DAPHNIS AND GABBY
THE FIREBARD


[23] Section (E)
GABBY'S HIT PARADE
(Bardish popular music cultcha)

SONG TITLE:RECORDED BY:
PUFF THE MAGIC HENBANE
A LITTLE BITTY BARD (LET ME DOWN)
Burl Ives
ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT, GABRIELLEHarry Belafonte
THE CHAKRAM GAMEJoni Mitchell
500 MILES (ACROSS GREECE)
LEAVING ON AN ARGO
Xena, Gab & Argo
WE HAVE NO GABANANAS TODAYJimmy Durante




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