Whoosh! Issue 44 - May 2000

DEAR SALMONEOUS: THE WORLD'S FIRST GUIDE TO LOVE AND MONEY:
A NON-BIASED [Note 01] REVIEW

By Sal_Fan
Content copyright © 2000 held by author
Edition copyright © 2000 held by Whoosh!
980 words



Talk May Be Cheap, But Advice Is Worth Its Weight In Dinars (01-02)
Salmoneus Dispenses His Wisdom (03-04)
Sample of the Wares (05-10)
Required Reading (11)
Note (12)
Biography



Dear Salmoneus: The World's First Guide to Love And Money:
A Non-Biased Review




With special pop-up insert.

Cover of "Dear Salmoneus"
Click here to see an enlargement of the above graphic
(click then go get a cup of java)



Talk May Be Cheap, But Advice Is Worth Its Weight In Dinars

[01] In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, before the days of personal ads and chat rooms, whom did folks turn to for advice? Apparently, it wasn't Dear Abby. In fact, throughout the past two-plus millennia prior to Abby and her sister, Salmoneus has been dispensing advice to the lovelorn and the down and out. This book, written by Robert Trebor, is a compilation of Sal's advice, done in a humorous and sometimes satirical way. The book includes letters from a variety of folks, both mortal and immortal, common and famous.

[02] The book is divided into two major subdivisions. Part I deals with "Affairs of the Heart" and Part II, with "Affairs of the Wallet" -- two subjects with which Salmoneus has had extensive, although not altogether successful, experience. Part I is further divided into The Early Years; the Ongoing Political Crisis; Celebrities Need Love, Too; and Just Plain Folk. Part II is broken down as follows: The Gang From Greco-Roman Myth And Legend; More Celebrities From Show Business And The Arts; Other Life Forms Check In; and Almost The Back Of The Book.


Salmoneus Dispenses His Wisdom

[03] The book totals some 150 or so pages, the vast majority of which contains the aforementioned letters and Sal's replies. The cover features a photograph of Salmoneus posing as the "Scale of Justice", balancing a pile of dinars in one hand against a miniaturization of a beautiful woman in the other. The dinars appear to be winning out. Between Parts I and II are 16 pages of photos, which include still photos from several "Salmoneus" episodes of Hercules and Xena, as well as photos of a variety of actors on the set with Robert/Salmoneus. Following Part II is an "Extra Special Bonus Section" entitled "How to Hum (To Fertilize Your Internal Flower)", a humorously illustrated step-by-step photo guide. The back cover contains humorous mock reviews, such as: "Read this book! It'll help you move beyond a platonic relationship. (Plato)"

The chant for goiter removal

Salmoneus demonstrates on how to hum for inner peace and other needs.


[04] Those of us familiar with the character of Salmoneus and person of Robert Trebor will really appreciate this book. The style of writing is immediately recognizable as combining the wit and wisdom of the character of Salmoneus as well as the actor who created that role. I shall now select excerpts of my favorite letters and replies, thereby whetting the reader's proverbial appetite.


Sample of the Wares



Salmoneus attempts to explain his Lord Seltzer monniker in THE GREATER GOOD.

[05] The first letter, sent in by

Gabrielle
Dontcallmeperkee
Ore. (I'llhityouwithmystick)
concludes with the question: "Can you get pregnant from just kissing? 'Cause that's what I think happened to me. I swear, I can't explain my condition in the 3rd season any other way."

[06] Salmoneus responds, after some introductory remarks, with, "... no, I cannot get pregnant from just kissing. I cannot get pregnant from any known activity of any sort... As far as you getting pregnant from just kissing, this is dubious. You probably got pregnant from what is known as a 'late 3rd season plot twist.' Many young women have become pregnant this way."

[07] Moving to the realm of the immortal, we get a letter from Ares, which begins, "I've always been pretty generous to you, meaning I've let you live. I've basically ignored you. And I'm sure you're grateful for that. So I'd like your advice regarding a little scheme I'm thinking up." Ares then goes on for advice on how to arouse some aggression in present-day America. Undaunted, Salmoneus begins his reply with, "Many thanks for continuing to ignore me. I hope to be disregarded by you for many years to come."

[08] One final example should suffice. A letter from a not-so-famous has-been begins: "Hey man, how's it shaking? Here's the deal: I don't think anybody ciphers who I was... Are you hep? I mean these musician cats today, Iggy Pop, Ziggy Stardust, Moon Unit Zappa, Dweezil, Bjork... You call these names? You call that different? I was the ORIGINAL silly name on the music scene. Savvy?" The letter is signed

Ish Kabibble
Kay Kyser's
Kollege of Musical Knowledge
[09] Salmoneus' reply: "I'm hep to your rebop my man (Editor's note: ???). The swizzle on the upbeat has to fry your wig fronds mainly for absence of juice in your sarcophagus... In short, you are correct, nobody alive remembers you. Sorry".

[10] However, by far the most hilarious and entertaining letters are as follows-- (Whoops, do you really think that I was going to give that away in this review? You'll have to read it for yourselves, folks (G)).


Required Reading

[11] In summary, Dear Salmoneus is an entertaining and humorous piece of work. The editor in me was dismayed at the number of typos in the book (including misspelling "Salmoneus" as "Salmoneous" in a couple of places). Notwithstanding, I recommend this book as required reading for the Herc/Xena completist as well as for the Sal- fan.

New

Salmoneus reveals more about himself in "Dear Salmoneus"



Note

Note 01:
[12] Yeah, and we Xena and Hercules fans are the most nonpartisan of folks, too.
Return to article



Biography

Sal_Fan Sal_Fan
Greetings, fellow Xenites. I live in central CT, happily married and employed. In addition to watching Hercules and Xena, I also enjoy reading, playing with my cat, and SCUBA- diving.
Favorite episode: THE GREATER GOOD (21/121
Favorite line: Salmoneus: "Those boots...that leather...those legs...Xena!" THE BLACK WOLF (11/111)
First episode seen: THE WARRIOR PRINCESS (H09/109)

Return to Top Return to Index