INT. TENT. DAY
'Xena the Conqueror' is with a pretty little slave. One of her lieutenants, Thesaurus, is standing nearby, at attention.Xena sighs, puts the slave she was raping into a drawer for later and straightens her raiment.It is time, Your Depraved Repulsiveness.THESAURUSIs it noon already? I've only killed four men, raped three slaves and beaten a child at tic tac toe half a dozen times by always taking the center square. Surely it can't be noon already. I have so much more to do!XENASo sorry, Your Supreme Heinousness, but even as we speak, the sun hovers above our heads in an extremely noonish fashion.THESAURUSWith a bow, Thesaurus takes the ticket and leaves to fulfill his duties.Do you like this new robe thing? I got it in Chin.XENAIt matches the azure, cobalt, cerulean, sapphire bluishness of your eyes, Your Gargantuan Pile of Vileness.THESAURUSWhat a sweet thing to say, thank you. Go tell Hitlerus and Napoleonus to meet me at the podium. And get my scepter. I had it sent out to be dry-cleaned. Here's the ticket.XENA
Making sure that she is scowling in a most frightening fashion, Xena leaves her conquering tent to make the short walk to the center square.
EXT. CITY SQUARE - DAY
It's a beautiful day. The sun is indeed high above in a very noonish fashion, birds chirp, downtrodden peasants throw their bodies over puddles to keep her feet unsullied, and flowers bloom. Hitlerus runs up to keep pace, a vicious frown twisting his features, his small mustache nearly bristling.Xena daintily shoves a peasant's face into the mud with her unsullied boot.Rrrrr.HITLERUSHey, Sparky, how's it hanging?XENAQuickly, Hitlerus clears his throat. He speaks in a falsetto lisp.Rrrrrr.HITLERUSFrog in your throat?XENAHappily, Xena grabs her scepter from the hands of an approaching Thesaurus. Napoleonus, a short, dull-looking man, is at his heels. Xena stops, reaches behind a bunch of empty ale canisters and picks up a leafy gold hat. She shoves it on her head.Oh Ssweetie, you ssimply have no idea how rough thiss day hass been! It'ss a wonder I'm not on my death bed! Kicky robe -- new?HITLERUSFrom Chin.XENAThey're sso 'at one' with ssilk.HITLERUSLotta prisoners then?XENAA veritable sslew! I never.HITLERUSYou poor, overworked despot.XENAI found thosse freedom fighters you'd heard about. Big sswarm, all shouting about equality or rightss or ssome inanity.HITLERUSGreat. What did ya do with 'em?XENADrafted all the boyss, and put the girliess to death. Excsept their leader. She'ss for you!HITLERUSHow thoughtful. Let's go crucify a rebel!XENANapoleonus claps. Xena smiles happily at the three men, adjusting the chapeau. Regally, she walks across the steps toward her throne, surveying the rabble with an Empress's eyes. Eyes that actually belong to her. And that sorta makes her an Empress now, doesn't it?Whaddaya think -- and be honest. Just ignore the fact that I can have you all put to death for an unflattering response.XENA(cont'd)Fabulouss!HITLERUSHighlights your cheekbones, Your Hideous Eyesoreness.THESAURUSXena nods approvingly, making sure the sun glints off her leafy gold hat and into the eyes of the prisoners. It's one of those extra touches of villainy that goes unsung but adds to her Conquerous reputation.Hail Xena!(bare-chested and built)GUARDHail me tonight, around duskish.XENA(whispers to guard)Hail Xena!RABBLEOoh, good -- rabble! Where'd ya find them?XENAPoteidaia, Your Loathsome felonious.THESAURUSNo way! The town with all the pinwheels?XENAThat's the one, Your Efficacious Malignancy.THESAURUS
Suddenly, a small woman with kinky blonde hair separates herself from the rabble.Xena takes a long, leisurely look, a slow smile spreading across her lips. Rising gracefully, she makes sure to hold her scepter out and away from her so that her sleeve drapes provocatively.I will NOT hail you!GABRIELLEShe the one we're crucifying?XENAYes, Your Beastly Malfeasance. Name's Gabrielle of Poteidaia. She's a part-time bard and a full-time rouser.THESAURUSA rouser. Of rabble?XENAYess. Isn't she divine? Look at thosse adorable shoulderss -- and thosse abss!HITLERUSDown, boy, she's not your type.XENAXena eyes Thesaurus a moment, almost figuring that one out, then her attention returns to the blonde and she glides down the steps, approaching the young rabble rouser.I really should have bought more of these robes when I was in Chin. Well, let your army do your walking, eh boys? Thesaurus, give my Mycenaean Express card to the fourth battalion and send'em to Chin.XENA(cont'd)Yes, Your Odious Flatulence.THESAURUSGabrielle looks around desperately. She frantically waves at an overweight brunette in the crowd.You sure you're a rouser? You seem so quiet and demure.XENAFree the people! Make love not war! Where have all the flowers gone? War is bad for children and other living things!GABRIELLE(in Xena's face, shouting at the top of her lungs)My mistake.XENAFlower power! Hell no, we won't go! California dreaming! Surfin', USA! Help me, Rhonda!GABRIELLEXena opens her mouth to speak, but Gabrielle holds up one hand impatiently.Rhonda, didn't you hear me? Help me!GABRIELLE(cont'd)Are you kidding? That's Xena the Conqueror! In our world, Hercules was never born and therefore, she was never redeemed! Instead, she is a cruel and savage despot, ruler of the known world, and devoid of any heart or sense of morality.RHONAWhat are you babbling about?GABRIELLEEvery eye in the square stares at Gabrielle's bare stomach.Just a sec, I'm in a discussion here.GABRIELLE(cont'd)
(to XENA)Go on.(to Rhonda)Guard -- kill chunky brunette with the big mouth.XENAI'm no threat to you, Xena! I'm here solely for exposition, a bad Beach Boys' joke, and it's glandular, dangit! You are so mean!RHONDAMay I finish now?(regains her composure)So help me, Rhonda...!GABRIELLEAnd now we have officially run that joke into the ground. Okay, where was I?RHONDADevoid of any heart.XENA(helpfully)Ah, right! Thanks. A cruel and savage despot, devoid of any heart, yadda yadda. And absolutely nothing -- barring perhaps a young blonde marked by the prophesied Abs of Redemption -- will ever have any affect on her! And where in all of Greece are we supposed to find a young blonde with redemptive abs?RHONDAThe rabble murmur in agreement, including Rhonda, who climbs into a little deuce coup and drives off, upset that her daddy took her T-bird away.What? That's not a sign of redemption, it's a mole.GABRIELLEOn my breast I have a mole AND a scar!XENAYou win.GABRIELLEI always do.XENANo! C'mon, rabble, fight this! Don't let her tame your restless hearts! Don't let her steal your relentless spirits! Defy the Conqueror!GABRIELLE(remembering her job)Do it and die, ya worthless bunch of pissant peasants.XENASorry, Gabrielle, she has the better argument.ONE LINE EXTRAFinding herself mesmerized, Xena stares at the Abs of Redemption.Soooo, Xena, love the hat.GABRIELLE(has no support and knows it)Really? It's new. Not too pretentious?XENA(primping)For a conquering empress? Nah, downright subtle.GABRIELLEThanks. For that I promise to break your legs.XENAYou're new to this "reward the rabble rouser for the nice things she says" thing, aren't you?GABRIELLENo, I was referring to the crucifixion. If I break your legs, you die faster. It's me being nice, promise.XENAWow, hate to see your mean streak.GABRIELLEI'm dark. Dark and Evil. Dark and Evil and Despotic. Dark and Evil and Despotic and Warlordy. Dark and Evil and Despotic and Warlordy and a poor sport. Dark and evil and--XENAGot the picture.GABRIELLEAnd I'm allergic to carrots.XENAJust in case you wanted to really tick me off. Feed me carrots. Gives me a rash. I hate rashes. And radishes. Not allergic, they just give me gas.(off Gabrielle's questioning look)As they do to so many of us. Okay, I'll go make your lunch. How about a nice boar on rye?GABRIELLEDon't forget the greens. I haven't been regular lately.XENAAnd we don't want that. No siree.GABRIELLEHow much more are we going to learn about her digestive system?(whispers to guard)She's into bathroom humor, so there's no telling.GUARDWonderful.GABRIELLEWait a minute! You're not my cook, you're my 1pm crucifixion! I can't believe you almost let me forget.XENA(realizing)I'm a minx.GABRIELLEYou sure that's just a mole?XENATotal silence from the three lieutenants.They're just soo...XENA(cont'd)Deliciouss?HITLERUSPutriferous?THESAURUSI have no personality, so I'm going to sit this one out.NAPOLEONUSAt least you have a name, sir.GUARDYeah.ONE LINE EXTRACheater! You were only supposed to have one line!GUARDStop it! I'll have you all killed just for taking up half a page!XENAThat's better. Okay, Gabrielle, you were about to mention the greater good, redemption, atonement, and gentle persuasion through the magnificence of your caring heart... followed by hot sex.XENA(cont'd)I was?GABRIELLEYeah, let's wrap this up. I'm tired of typing.XENAOkee doke. Xena, I think you can be saved--GABRIELLEI've seen the light, changed the error of my ways, yadda yadda. Let's go take that little slave out of the drawer and have us some fun.XENABut, but--GABRIELLEI'm a woman of action. Once I make up my mind, that's it. Besides, that's one Hades of a redemptive mole ya got there, cute stuff.XENAI named it Hercules.GABRIELLEHuh?XENARhonda told me to say that. C'mon, you're reformed, no use hanging around.GABRIELLEYou're all free to go! Buh-bye!XENA(to rabble and her lieutenants)Bye Conqueror Xena!RABBLESseeya Ssweet thingss!HITLERUSLove and kisses, Hitlerus!XENAFare thee Well Your Munificent Ponderousness! I think I'll go write a book.THESAURUSName it after yourself, Thesaurus!XENABye.NAPOLEONUS
Xena waves.The guard nods as we:Ha! Got in the last word.NAPOLEONUS(waits a beat, to himself)Kill that third guy. He's trouble.XENA(quietly to guard)
Joanna is a television writer and a member of the WGA, who wrote an issue of Wonder Woman for DC Comics, and is currently writing a novel set in feudal Japan. Occasionally, she does voice-over work, including an appearance in the cartoon Rugrats as a Swedish dog groomer.
Favorite episode: A DAY IN THE LIFE (39/215), THE DEBT 1&2 (52-53/306-307), and THE BITTER SUITE (58/312)
Favorite line: Xena: "Wow, would you look at that? Wonder what else is in these clothes; they're hand-me-downs, you know." DREAMWORKER (03/103). "Go home. There are thousands more like me." ONE AGAINST AN ARMY (59/313)
First episode seen: WARRIOR...PRINCESS (15/115)
Least favorite episode: THE QUILL IS MIGHTIER...(56/310)