HERE WE GO AGAIN!
HELLO MY LOYAL READERS AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER TERRIFYING UPDATE! Of course you innocently ask "Laura Sue...what's so terrifying about this update?" I'll tell ya sweetheart...the whole Xenaverse is whirling around up like a F5 tornado (and believe you me, missy, I grew up in Kansas and know all about these things). I mean...there is just gossip and innuendo flying through the airwaves like so many cows propelled through the stormy sky (I'm getting all poetic in my advancing years...must be the recent Shakespeare readings I've been doing in my workshop..hey...if little Gwynnie Paltrow can don tights and get out there and win an Oscar than I can too!).
FEAR NOT, LAURA SUE IS FIRMLY TIED DOWN to the barn and is watching it all play out (PLEASE, for my more..er..sophisticated readers: you can lose the bondage innuendo right now in that email your sending!). Lets tack down a few of these big old rumours..shall we?
NEWS GOSSIP RUMORS
RUMOURARAMA: PART 1
Rumor:Ted Raimi is leaving the show to go off and become an astronout and save humanity from a deadly virus from outer space.
LSD gives you the dish: Josh Becker (in a rather florid and stylish manner) announced that Ted had decided, indeed, WANTED to leave the show. Sharon at the fan club has confirmed it, but Ted hasn't made it official yet. As far as saving the world...well...there is some talk about Ted getting a big old part in some new Tom Clancy movie. Remember Tom Clancy? He's that guy that authors 50% of all books sold at the airport. The other half are written by John Grisham. They all involve some kind of macho playing around with secret formulas and really big weapons. At least he wouldn't have to wear that Korean flattened colander on his chest and get beat up by Amazons..or maybe he will? You never know what Hollywood can do with a script. Look at what they did with some of the episodes this year?
GOSSIPVILLE: PART 2
Rumor:Ren Pics has hired a fan fiction writer to do an episode next year
LSD lays it on the line for you: Yes..it's all true. After confirming with a source close to Rob Tapert, it is undeniably true. The Whoosh Rumour Busting Swat team was dispatched to the home of several notable fan fic writers and they were brought in for some serious questioning. I was really amazed at the willpower of some of these folks. We made Joanna Sandsmark, for example, watch Married With Fishsticks over 87 times with her eyes taped open (just like Clockwork Orange!) and all she could say was that she never returned her copy of "Are You There God It's Me Margaret" to the school library when she was ten and owes over $14,000 in dues.
That, is willpower baby.
I think they should have sponsor us for an annual Ms. Bard contest where Studios USA, Ren Pics and Universal sweep some lucky bard off their feet for a whirl-wind adventure in WRITING LIKE A PRO. Of course, if it involves beachfront accomodations in a lavish tropical locale I think *I* should be sent along to inspire and chaperone. I could be a muse.
Okay, avert your eyes all ye who don't want to listen to my rambling speculations for the final episodes. You can scroll down till you see the big bold words SPOILER SAFETY ZONE and continue on.
What we know: 1: Old Joxer obtains a scroll describing Xena and Gabrielle's attempt to trick the Fates into bringing about the twilight of the gods. 2: After 25 years, Xena and Gabrielle finally escape their tombs of ice and immediately go in search of Eve. 3. Xena must decide whether she can kill her own daughter, who continues her murderous campaign to eliminate Eli's followers.
LSD speculates wildly: Now..I don't have a crystal ball, but I can make a prediction based on looking through multiple sources of information. Xena and Gabrielle ditch Eve and switch her with some other baby plant (like maybe that dolly Ares valiently saved a few episodes ago). They get toasted somehow with the fake baby (or at least Gabrielle goes down first long enough for Xena to have a really drama filled moment of grief and then buys the farm herself or has a really bad case of narcolepsy which causes her to collapse). Old Joxer, having discovered how this happens, is somehow magically transported in time (hey...where's a darsham when you need her) back to the moment of death and somehow saves them. Ares scoops them up and uses the patented Cleopatra 2525 cryofreeze method (without a botched boob job..heaven help us if their breasts had to get any bigger) to put them in suspended animation for 25 years (hey sounds like a nice round number). When they get back, Eve has become a Roman holy terror and is wiping out Eli's followers. Finally, this goes into a big old showdown where a lot of Gods will be going bye bye. Does this make any sense? Good.
Of course, a nice happy addition to the cast appears to be the incredibly hunky William Gregory Lee playing Virgil (who, from what I hear, will be running around with Eve next year..who will NOT be played by Hudson Leick but by XWP rookie Adrienne Wilkinson). Laura Sue had to take a moment after looking at William Greogory's glorious visage recently. Welcome, Mr. Lee...give Laura Sue a call, honey.
SPOILER SAFETY ZONE
WHOOSH CHIEF SEEN WITH LUCY LAWLESS. Well...not exactly. I tuned into watch both Politically Incorrect and The Tonight Show to see Lucy Lawless (my own attempts to go being thwarted by a sprained ankle I got in tap class) and what did I have to look at? My boss planted upfront BOTH times. All I have to say is, does Kym ever change her clothes? I heard a rumour that she slept on the street just to get in line for PI after leaving Leno. Laura Sue thinks this is shocking and is absolutely NO REASON for fashion repetition. I ALWAYS keep a change of clothes and shoes, accessories, makeup and a variety of purses (and different identification) in my car just in case! Come to think of it, however, Kym probably has a closet full of exactly the same shirts and jeans all neatly laundered and hanging up in plastic bags. Shudder. Lets move on.
LUCY LAWLESS AVOIDS THE BIG APPLE. Not to be outdone, I bought a plane ticket to head out to New York City to see Lucy on the Daily Show, Conan, and Rosie O'Donnell. I even got tickets to the Mets-Cubs game where she was going to throw out the first pitch. I tried to book the Plaza, but ended up only getting the Book-Simpson futon. What do I found out today is that Lucy has cancelled the whole trip to NYC! RATS! Why does this happen to me? I immediately called around, but it appears that Lucy has nothing against the east coast, it is simply that something else came up. Oh well, I don't mind a little visit to the Big Apple. I've even managed to get an audition lined up for a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical version of Lillian Hellman's The Children's Hour. I sure hope I get a part (and that the production gets a financial backer).
MORE WOMEN OF ACTION. If you'll notice, Whoosh has added a Relic Hunter section along with Herc and Xena, Cleo and Jack. What this is doing here is beyond me..but so many people have gotten into the show's b*tt kicking babe, campy humor, and snappy dialogue..that I guess it fits with the chicks who kick a** premise of IAXS.
I do have to ask though, what does that Tia Whatserface have that I don't have? Laura Sue should have her own action show (they're all the rage). It could be called "Touched by a Superstar" and I could ride around the Valley in my little red jeep solving problems and flattening foes while never ruining my hair or breaking a nail! (Of course, some people joke that it should be called "touched by an unemployed actor" which many people who have kindly donated fundsto actors before could greatly understand).
Laura Sue has been getting plenty of mail about the elusive Xena DVD I mentioned in my last report. Currently, the only people who have a copy to sell is the ever trustworthy Blackstar videos (http://www.blackstar.co.uk/). HOWEVER...the DVD they have is ONLY for region 2 (the UK, Europe..in other words it's PAL formatted) and WILL NOT PLAY on US players. Nobody has the Region 1 (NTSC) version of this yet. I contacted Universal and they don't know what the final date is for its release. Blackstar usually has a link to bigstar.com video, which carries region 1 versions of their stock. Another place to try is Reel.com...but as I said..it's not out for the US yet. I'll keep my ears open for any news, but if anyone hears anything about where to get these..drop me a note, will ya, honey?
You know...I looked at the numbers and it seems that EVERYONE is suffering from a lack of viewers out there. (You are all reading ME.....right?) The good news is that "Kindred Spirits" experienced a slight increase in ratings. I'm not even going to go further into this with another one of those goddawful grids. I hate ratings!! It makes me want to throw things out the window and scream.
LETTERS TO LAURA SUE
Dearest Laura Sue,
We are ever so pleased to have you back after your incarcer..er..hiatus!
In working all of your copious connections, is there any word as to whether or not there will be an episode of "Cleopatra 2525" where Jennifer Sky *doesn't* scream like a banshee with P.M.S.? I've had to resort to wearing those little yellow earplugs despite their obvious lack of fashion acumen. One must preserve one's hearing, n'est pas?
Many lipstick smearing smooches,
Your faithful servant,
Why thank you Dearcy...glad to be able to wear something other than sensible shoes and faded carnation pink.
As to Jennifer Sky's screaming, I'm afraid you're going to have to continue to plug those ears darlin' (or use a rapid fire flick of the mute button if you can't find a rare set of Donna Karan black cashmere silence enhancers-a steal at $250 at Saks). Ms. Sky trained with a vocalist who specializes in using sonic waves to really get the emotions of the character across (I'm personally more of a Stella Adler fan myself). This is her *style* baby. I've moved all the glassware out of my TV room now since the pilot episode trashed my Mikasa champagne flutes. I should sue.
Big air kisses back sweetie,
Dear Laura Sue,
Okay.......I know this may sound stupid, but I just wanted to know if anything will ever happen between Gabrielle and Ares. In one of the episodes "Seeds of Faith" He looked at her and said "I guess this means it's over." I just wanted to know if those two will ever get close. Personally I, (as well as many other girls) am very attracted to Kevin Smith. I love his character. He is somewhat the player. And I know that Xena is his dream girl, but you can't help but wonder what happened between those two. Xena even got a little jealous.
I don't expect you to answer me right away, but I would truly appreciate it if you did let me know if you know anything about it. You are very insightful.
Thank you so much for your time
Ashley( aka Ashrielle )
My Dearest Ashrielle,
Well...word has it that Ares will give Gabby the cold shoulder very shortly.
Other than this..there have been no real rumblings in this direction... Gabrielle hates his guts despite his stud muffinesque status.
As for Kevin Smith, he's a perfect doll...Laura Sue spent some time with Mr. Smith not too long ago and he is even cuter in person....and *what* fabulous SKIN he has..I mean it kind of glows..which makes me wonder what kind of moisturizer he uses...but I digress...
Let's just wait and see, shall we?
LAURA SUE NEEDS YOU!
If you HAVE any good dish, write me. Need a rumor confirmed, denied, or ambiguously tap danced around? I'm your gal! Just drop Laura Sue a line!
I can't print every letter, but I'll do my best to answer your questions... and report those late-breaking XWP stories!
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