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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 33 December 01 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: SCI-FI Universe Magazine YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Semi-Annual Assimilation Guide HOMER SIMPSON FOR VOYAGER CAPTAIN STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 5: P-S UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 5 (Sc. 21-25) STAR TREK PARODY: "Second Shin" [Second Skin] DS9 #51 =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== I don't usually get excited about genre magazines (well, at least I try to keep it under control), but Chris Gore's SCI-FI UNIVERSE (SFU) has me sold. Published every other month by Larry Flynt (yup, THAT Larry Flynt), it carries along with it not only an OMNI gloss (also another one of Larry's amazing magazines) but also a love of the science fiction genre. Chris Gore loves this stuff. If you have ever read his FILM THREAT (FT) magazine (not so glossy and regularly crude) you know about Gore's unbridled enthusiasm for film, television, popular culture, and science fiction. In the first issue of SFU, Chris Gore noted that he was spending too much time with science fiction topics than he should in FT. Thus was born SFU. SFU's mission was to give the reader the lower cost and coverage of STARLOG but also the depth and objectiveness of CINEFANTASTIQUE. SFU has articles which rival and equal those found in the CINEFANTASTIQUE yearly Star Trek reviews. Gore succeeds not only in offering ugly commentary (never found in STARLOG) but also in exhibiting a respect and love for the genre and giving due where he believes it is due. It is a pure pleasure reading this magazine. I recommend it as being well worth the $4.99 [ouch!] price tag. ---Oxnardus (stooping to commercial endorsements) ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= Semi-Annual Assimilation Guide ------------------------------ For those who don't have the Sci-Fi Channel...It's the Semi- Annual Assimilation Guide...(or I'm still waiting for good material from the one and only Trek Show on at the moment) Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Ferengi, Bajorans, Humans..OH MY..Now with there very own Starship. Star Trek Voyager Hey, let's cancel the most successful syndicated tv show in history and offer this instead (coming soon) Babylon 5 Tweak this sucker up in the cast department..or script dept..or actor dept..(just Tweak it) and you got yourself a winner. More action than DS9, with beautiful FX. Not a knock on DS9, however the setting has more brinkmanship. Time Trax With Jean-Claude Van Damme...oops..that's Time Cop. Harve Bennett shows why HE SAVED STAR TREK. On the TV Budget available, the stories are interesting one week to the next. Earth 2 Not Available for Viewing at typing- Looks like a winner. The Word Quality comes to mind when looking at the previews. SeaQuest DSV I'm still getting use to the cast changes, the set changes, etc...The Base of Operations for the ship is a nice touch..If more stories like the recent trip to the future are normal fair, my apprehension about the show will cease. Lois and Clark, The New Adventures of Superman No Lex, It's staring to pick back up its' stride again. New Jimmy Olson is something to get use to. M.A.N.T.I.S Vast Improvement from Original Movie..and the Original Movie was a treat to watch..Top Notch Show about Disabled Scientist and his exploits in Cybersuit. X Files. Top Notch Show Period. The Changes made further the story, instead of trying to fix anything. It wasn't broke, and they didn't tinker with it. It will be interesting to see how the Scully story continues after her abduction. Tek War Shatner proves Star Trek V was not a true measure of his directing and artistic skills. Debut as a series on USA coming soon.. Solid Cast and great villains make you coming back for more. Action Pack Spawned Tek War, includes in it's weekly movie series... Hercules (decent acting and synced audio track..but overall fun) Knight Rider 2010..(so so) etc. Good way to spend a couple of hours. Highlander the Series I'm behind in my watching..however solid tale of immortals playing the game. adapted from the classic movie Highlander. Support the Shows you like..it helps to let the station know your watching. My Babylon 5 affiliate got some phone calls from me a few nights when B5 was not available for viewing. now, I can at least find it on the TV guide. [Editor's note...after several pre-emptions of Deep Space 9 and some irate calls to the programming director by myself and others, Bakersfield is now getting a repeat viewing of DS9 starting in January. Calling the station and letting them know how you feel does work! --Oxnardus] ---SWANN1@MUVMS6.MU.WVNET.EDU ================================= HOMER SIMPSON FOR VOYAGER CAPTAIN ================================= Picture the Voyager being approached by a Borg ship... Ensign: Message coming through sir. On screen.. Homer: Yellow? Borg: We are the Borg. Prepare to be assimilated. Homer: Huh? Borg: (Slower) We are the Borg. Prepare to be assimilated. Homer: Huh? Borg: How many fingers am I holding up? (Turns to comrade) Get us out of here. If we absorb his intellect into the collective there's no telling how much damage we would suffer. (Borg ship flies off at maximum warp - Homer puts cardboard box on head and starts giggling) Homer: Hee Hee Hee. Boxee| Ensign: Err, sir? (Homer runs off into corner of bridge) Homer: My box| Hee Hee Hee ---Uther Pendragon: Internet: ILAWSON%ESOC.BITNET@VM.GMD.DE ===================================== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ===================================== Part Five --------- Picard, adjusting his tunic. Picard Burger: No sesame seeds on the bun. Picard/Riker'92! Leadership for The Next Generation! Pond farr: Vulcan sex in a hot tub. Ponds Farr: Vulcan sex with 1/3 moisturizing cream Pong Farr: Vulcan sex while playing table tennis. Porn Farr: Vulcan sex captured on video tape Pound Farr: Overweight Vulcan Sex. Prawn Farr: Vulcan shrimp! Prime Directive, my foot... set phasers to PUREE. PRIME DIRECTIVE, MY A**! Phasers on maximum! Program halted: Star Trek's on. Prom Farr: Vulcan sex at a high school dance Prune Juice. A warriors drink! Q + Lorna Bobbitt = O Q - How can I prove I'm mortal? Worf - DIE! Q QQq QqQQqq qq qQ q <--- Continuum family photo. Q-Tip: Advice from the Continuum. qagh Poupon: Picard's favorite spread for rokeg blood pie! Quark to his brother, "I hear she gives really good ear." Quarks - - The CHEERS of the 24th century, and beyond... Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. Red Shirt?! You know about the life insurance, eh? Remember, Reality is the leading cause of stress! Riker, the Holodeck wasn't meant for *THAT*! --Picard Riker to Enterprise. Beam down Troi and a six-pack. Riker to Troi : "Honey, I ARJed Data..." Riker's trombone backfires, creating a new universe. Riker's trombone backfires, creating a tagline. Romulan DOS: Cloaked command or file name Romulan natural death: An inability to live after being poisoned. Romulan warbird decloaking sir... û“[²Ùáê NO CARRIER Romulan warbird FASA attacking sir...Fire the CANON! Rush, in Rio Linda. Saddle up, father! - Alexander, to Worf Sarek, we're a part of each other. * Picard Science fiction warps your mind. Engage warp factor 10. Scott me up, Beamie. Er, uh... Scotty, how much longer until we can shift into Unix? Scotty, I've fallen, and I can't beam up! Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim Scotty!, Hurry beam me u±íÆéä¬ NO CARRIER seaQuest is a result of another transporter malfunction Security to the Bridge! Data is being Formatted! See William Shatner and Avery Brooks on Deep Space 911! Sensors identify the device as a "Thigh Master", Captain. Set phasers on 'Discuss Reasonably'. - Picard Set phasers on tickle! Set phasers to extreme itching! Set Phasers on "Flashlight" Shaka, when the walls fell. PeeWee, when the movie starts Shatner when the wig fell She can't take much more of this Captain. She can't take much more, she's gonna BLOW! - Scotty She has wonderful muscles. þ Chekov Shh! Be vewy quiet. I'm hunting Womulans!! Sign in restroom: Hortas - Please don't eat the urinals! Silly Rabbit, Phasers are for kids... Simple... Just do this... þ Wesley Sir, I've been meaning to discuss these feelings. þ Troi Sir! Romulan Warbird decloaki÷2ØO±:´¬ÖbËø NO CARRIER Sorry, Counselor, I don't take candy from strange women. - Wesley Sounds like the God-damned Spanish Inquisition. * McCoy Spock at Xmas: A pencil sharpener for my ears! Thanx, Jim Spock/Data 1996: The Logical Choice Spock, you are such a putz! Spock? Why aren't you dead? ST-TNG is being assimilated by the Nielsons Rating System ST:TNG - To boldly go where TOS has gone before Star Trek batteries - they keep on going, and going ... Star Trek DOS: Command or file name canna be found, sair! Star Trek IX, The Wrath of Nintendo Star Trek Lives! Star Trek, the Best Possible Future of Man. Star Trek VII, My god are we getting old Star Trek VII:JTK, directed by Oliver Stone! Star Trek XXVII - The Search for Shatner's Teeth. Star Trek XXX: In Search of Geritol * Upcoming movie Star Truck II - The Wrath of Nissan Starfleet Academy has a drama department? Starfleet Order #32: Always flip for oncoming ships. Starfleet Security: The Few. The Proud. The Expendable. Starship captains DO IT with enterprise. Starship go >>BOOM<< STEEL BELTED TROJANS - For the ACTIVE Klingon Male * DS9 Ad Stop smirking Number One. Stress- n. Doing a tight 180-degree U-turn at Warp 9.5. Such grudges. Give us a kiss, Worf. - Q Suicide Words : Hey there, turtle headed Klingon dude! Sulu, fencing on the bridge. Surak,Saavik,Sybok,Spock,Sarek,Stonn,Sonak, etc. Sure, Patrick, but will the pontiac do warp 9? Swimming is too much like... bathing. * Worf ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= Our Story So Far: In the midst of a battle with the Cylons the crew of the Battlestar Galactica are shocked to see (what they are soon to discover is) a Krikkitean Battle Ship appear inside a Cylon Fighter. The Krikkitean robots steal one of the Cylons and then disappear, ending the battle. Meanwhile, Zarkov et al have crashed in the Kentucky Backwoods and begin to pick their way back to civilization. Slartibartfast appears on the bridge of the Battlestar Galactica and is convinced to take them to earth with him, but first converts their primitive engines. The crew of the Enterprise-A commence their time warp, only to severely damage their warp engines in the process. The Doctor and Companions are thrown out of the UN, but eventually get in with the help of David Letterman. The World Crime League begins a wave of terror and Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers began plans to thwart their evil plots. Guinan attempts to convince Picard that they are not actually Rogue Space Pirates, but really members of Starfleet. Finally, the leaders of the REBEL ALLIANCE decide to head to Earth ahead of the EMPIRE to prepare them to resist. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene 21. Interior Shot. A fine, wood-panelled office. A few pictures of recent presidents hang on the walls. One wall is actually a bookshelf, holding such titles as 'KAOS: Terrorists or Industrialists?','Who's Who in Control' and '101 Uses for a Dead CIA Agent.' At the back of the room is a large, oaken desk with a nice office chair behind it and a small chair in front of it. One of the walls turns out to be a sliding door. You notice this when it opens and lets in Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. A white-haired, balding, portly gentlemen, known only as Chief, rises from behind the desk.] CHIEF: Max, I have an important assignment for you. MAX: Right, Chief. CHIEF: Have a seat, Max, let me brief you. MAX: Uh, Chief, is this information -- TOP SECRET? CHIEF: You know the answer to that, Max. Of course it is. MAX: In that case, I suggest we use the Cone of Silence. CHIEF: (sighs) Is that really necessary? MAX: I insist. CHIEF: Oh, all right. [Chief touches a button on his desk and the Cone of Silence drops down from the ceiling. The cone is two, clear, spherical bubbles connected by a clear cylinder. (Really Cheesy) The balls fit over the heads of Max and Chief. In this portion of the scene, the camera holds a closeup of whomever is speaking.] CHIEF: OK, Max, as you've probably noticed, there has been an increase of terrorist activities around the world recently. We've reason to believe that KAOS is involved, but also that they've gotten some heavy-hitting help. MAX: What makes us think that, Chief? CHIEF: A group calling themselves the World Crime League is claiming responsibility. MAX: Right. CHIEF: Your mission is to find out anything you can about this group. I've assigned 99 and Hymie to assist you. MAX: Right, Chief. CHIEF: And what do you know, this thing worked after all. [He pushes a button on his desk but nothing happens] What the...[he continues to push the button, getting irritated.] MAX: Here, let me try, Chief. [He ducks out from underneath the cone, as does the Chief, Finally they give up. As they are walking towards the door, the Cone of Silence collapses on the desk, shattering.] Sorry about that Chief. [Scene 22. Interior Shot. Pilot Compartment of the Millenium Falcon. In the Pilot's seat is Han Solo, in the co-pilot's chair is Chewbacca. Behind Chewie is Princess Leia. Lando walks in from another part of the ship and sits behind Solo.] LEIA: Did you get 3-PO fastened down? LANDO: No problem. [He flashes a Billy Dee Williams Grin (tm)] HAN: Did you hog tie him like I suggested? [Another trademark grin from Lando.] LEIA: You didn't?!? [She begins to get up.] LANDO: No, I didn't. LEIA: Oh, good. [She sits again.] LANDO: I soldered his feet to the floor. HAN: [Jumping in before Leia can say anything.] Prepare for the jump to Hyperspeed. Luke, you ready? LUKE: (over radio) All set, Han. HAN: OK, everyone belted in? Good, go for jump. [Han moves a few levers on the control board and the Star Wars Hyperspace Effect takes place outside the window. As they come out of the hyperspace jump, Leia is fuming.] LEIA: I don't believe you! You could at least have patched him into the radio link. C3-PO: (over radio) He did, Princess. LEIA: 3-PO? Are you all right? C3-PO: Oh yes, it was much more pleasant than the time his men dismantled me and almost sold me for scrap. [Everyone laughs.] HAN: Well, it's a long, long, way to our destination. I'm going to take a nap. [He gets out of his seat and heads back.] [Scene 23. Interior Shot. A run-down shack on a road (clearly visible through the window) that winds through the forest. It is clear that the shack wants to be a country store, but the inch-thick layer of dust on everything gives credence to the rumor that no one has been in here for quite some time.] [Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov walk in the door. Despite the fact that they have just led an attack on one of the most ruthless opponents in the universe, Ming the Merciless; made not one, but two, bold crosses of the dimensional barrier by travelling through a black hole; been brutally beaten and tortured by said ruthless opponent, Ming; side-swiped a time machine of alien origin; and crash landed a rocket ship made out of old washing machine parts in a forest in Kentucky; not to mention that they did all of this in a day and a half. Despite all of that their hair is still freshly combed and blow-dried, their faces washed, and their clothes newly-pressed. It makes you wonder if they had hats, would they come off. Anyway, the three of them walk in the door and over to the counter, where an old, dirt poor man sits. Zarkov is about to speak when a screech is heard outside. A red convertible sports car is framed in the door. A young, yuppie type dressed in a business suit runs in. He rushes up to the counter.] YUPPIE: Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? [The man grunts and points towards aisle 3. The yuppie runs off in search of a fine mustard. Zarkov moves toward the counter.] ZARKOV: Excuse me, which way is it to the nearest town? [The old man points behind him.] DALE: How far is it? [The man mumbles something under his breath and holds up three fingers.] FLASH: (quietly to Dale) Talkative isn't he. DALE: (aside to Flash) shhh! (to old man) Is that miles? [The old man grunts for acknowledgement but nods yes. At this point the yuppie runs up with a case of gourmet mustard, drops a wad of bills on the counter and rushes off. The old man rings up the sale.] ZARKOV: Thanks very much for your help. [Dale, Flash & Zarkov leave the run-down shop.] [Scene change. Exterior Shot. A dirt road winding through a forest in Kentucky. This entire portion of the film is seen with trees interposing themselves, as though through the eyes of some animal following Zarkov, Flash, and Dale, who exit the shop and walk down the road.] FLASH: We'd better stick together. You never know what we could find out here. ZARKOV: Yes. There could be lions or tigers or bears. DALE: Oh my! [They continue to walk along the road. It darkens melodramatically and they get more and more frightened.] ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears DALE: Oh my! ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears DALE: Oh my! ALL THREE: Lions and Tigers and Bears DALE: Oh my! [This continues until the camera, acting as 'creature' rushes up to them. Dale's scream is the last thing we hear as the screen goes black.] [Scene 24. Exterior Shot. Enterprise 1701-D coming into orbit around a drab olive planet.] PICARD's VOICE: Captain's Log. Stardate, ummm...d**n, Data, what season is this anyway? DATA's VOICE: Season 7 sir. PICARD's VOICE: Good. Stardate 741268.9738, Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording. It has been several days since we first encountered the space/time turbulence. We are now in orbit over the planet that is the source of these disturbances and are preparing to send an away team down to investigate the phenomenon. [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Picard is standing, looking at the planet on the viewscreen.] PICARD: Riker! Assemble an away team. I want to know as much as possible about the source of this disturbance. RIKER: Right! LaForge, Worf, Data, come with me. [They head for the turbolift.] TROI: Oh! The pain! PICARD: What is it Counselor? Do you sense some overwhelming emotion from a nearby intelligent, but previously unknown entity. TROI: No, I have a tremendous headache this big and it's got 'Excedrin' written all over it. [Picard looks at Riker, who rolls his eyes meaningfully.] PICARD: Carry on, Number One. RIKER: Aye aye, sir. [Scene Change. Transporter Room Three. Transporter Chief O'Brien is standing behind the console wearing a traditional Scottish outfit of the 20th Century, complete with kilt. Worf, Data, Riker, and LaForge walk in.] DATA: Commander, due to the strength of the temporal disturbance we are likely to encounter, it may be advisable to prepare for harsh climactic conditions. RIKER: Good idea. [He goes over to a row of lockers on the far wall. Each of them has a label, e.g. 'Full Body Environmental Suit', 'High Gravity Servo-Supports','Noxious Fume Protection Head Gear/Breathing Apparatus'. He opens a locker labelled 'Flashlights' and gets one out for each member of the party.] There we go. [Everyone gets on the platform.] Energize! [O'Brien moves his hand over the controls and the away team disappears into a glittering transporter effect.] [Scene 25. Exterior Shot. A barren, wind-swept desert. Off in the distance, multi-colored mountains can be seen. The dazzling, transporter effect begins in the foreground. The shapes of Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Chekov appear (Ha, ha, fooled you :-). As they take final form, Spock begins scanning with his Tri-Corder.] SPOCK: Scanning indicates that this is indeed White Sands, New Mexico. The test site is just over that dune. KIRK: Very well, let's go. [Kirk's communicator beeps. He takes it off his belt and flips it open. Kirk here. UHURA: (over communicator) Captain, sensors picking up a Romulan Warbird approaching from behind the sun. KIRK: Uhura, this is twentieth century Earth! That's impossible! SULU: (over communicator) It's true Captain, it came around going extremely fast and is now decelerating hard. SPOCK: If that's true, it may be that it followed us through the time warp. KIRK: Hmmmmm. Keep an eye on them, Sulu, Kirk out. [He closes the communicator.] Gentlemen, shall we go? [They walk off towards the dune.] Continued next issue... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions woozily presents "Second Shin" A parody of ST:DS9's "Second Skin" Dax: C'mon, just try it once! Kira: I dunno, my mom said not to do drugs. Dax: But it's SIMULATED weed! Kira: Except to be polite, of course. Quark: Call Da Warren! Kira: Who asked you? Quark: Who cares, it's my bar. If you don't like the service you can go to Cardassia. Kira: Fine, I will! Bajoran Lady: Muahaha! Prompter: You're not supposed to say anything! You're the end-of-segment ominous person! Bajoran Lady: Sorry, I got carried away in my role. Announcer: Deep Throat Nine is brought to you by Crust toothpaste. When you want yucky build-up on your teeth, reach for Crust! Odo: So what you're trying to say is that these records pinpoint you at the Cardassian's Bokbar Prison? Kira: Yeah, but they're FAKE! Odo: Who would fake your personal records? Are you planning to run for office or anything? Kira: No... Whine: See? She waffled! Kira: No I didn't. Whine: She denies it! Quick! Roll the sound bite! Voiceover: Kira Nerys: a Federation sympathiser Bajorans can't trust! Kira: Oh yeah? Take this! Voiceover: Kai Whine: an annoying fanatic readers can't stand! Whine: Revenge will be mine! Odo: Anyway, why don't you go off to Bajor to conduct your smear campaign? Kira: But I'm not running! Odo: Well get off the station, we've got to have some PLOT here! Kira: Okey doke. Kira: I'm off to find the truth! Sisko: About what? Kira: About that Bajoran lady with seashells in her hair who keeps following me around! Offstage Voice: Darn! Sisko: Well don't be all day about it! We need you here to excite all the slavering house-husbands with Bajoran fetishes! Kira: Don't worry, I'll be back by the end of the episode. Sisko: I knew THAT. Kira: Aaaah! Bajoran Lady: What? Kira: What have you done to my face? Bajoran Lady: Oops, makeup department screws up sometime, we thought you were the Cardassian guest star. Kira: That's a lie! You're trying to make me think I'm a Cardassian! Bajoran Lady: Ridiculous! Why would we do that? Kira: So that I could be convinced to tell you Morn's drinking capabilities! Bajoran Lady: Agh, foiled again. Leonard: Hello, I'm here to announce our new contest. As you know, we here at HP make many hundreds of mistakes in every parody, or Not Another Silly Trek Inconsistencies, as we call them. This parody, however, we have slipped in one intentionally. If you can find it, send mail to the author's Internet address and win absolutely nothing. Thank you. Cardassian: High-caliber handguns are our FRIENDS, yes! Intake: Hi, I'm Intake, and I'll be your guest star today. Kira: Get away from me! Intake: We're here to help you! Kira: Ha! Intake: It's true! Isn't it, Bob? Bob: Yup. Kira: How does kidnapping me and disguising me as a Cardassian help me? Intake: For starters, you're in a great position to renegotiate your contract. Besides which, you really are a Cardassian. We've brought you home, you see, ten years ago we needed somebody to go undercover and bash all the Bajorans' shins in so that they couldn't run away from us. We chose you. Kira: I don't believe any of this! Intake: We will MAKE you believe! Glin Fang! Fetch... the LOVE BOAT RERUNS! Kira: NOOOOO! Intake: Haha, just kidding! I wouldn't do that to my boss' daughter! Kira: Oh great, now I'm somebody's daughter! Intake: Of course you're somebody's daughter! And what an AMAZING coincidence, here's your father now! Kira: MORN!!! Apitsa: What? Where? Kira: Oops. Apitsa: Ariana! I missed you soooo much! Kira: Get away from me! Apitsa: Don't you recognize me? Don't you recognize this place? Kira: Looks like another Cardassian prison to me. Apitsa: This is not a prison! Kira: It sure looks like it. Intake: No, there's a picture on the wall. That's how you tell. Kira: NOW it's a prison! Intake: Must you be so negative? Kira: I'm Kira, that's my job. Apitsa (to Intake): Isn't there something we can do? Intake: Don't worry, she'll get her memories back in a few days. Apitsa: I hope you're right! Kira: Well if you really are my dad, I want ten years back allowance. In cash. Apitsa: I don't know what's wrong with you kids. When I was your age I never went looking for a handout. Back then we knew how to work for what we wanted. Don't spend it all in one place. Garak: Hey Bashir, want to grab something to eat? Bashir: Well, I've got seven shin injuries to attend to, but okay. People: Aaah! Help us! Agony! Garak: I have some news about Major Kira. Bashir: Wow! Can I see them? Garak: NEWS, lunkhead! Apparently she was kidnapped by Cardassians. Bashir: WHAT? Garak: Don't look at me! I just heard it through the grapevine! Bashir: This is horrible! Now I'll never score with her! Garak: Not that you will anyway. Apitsa: What are you doing? I thought I told you not to wreck any more of the set! Kira: Um... I dropped my contact lens, that's all. Apitsa: Don't worry about surveillance devices, HP couldn't afford any. Kira: Did you know there's gum under the table? Garak: That's all I know! I promise! Sisko: You also promised to have my Raggedy Ann doll fixed on time. Garak: Well that's all I know. Sisko: Then our mission is clear. Dax: We must wait until the last second and then wrap up the plotline real quick! Sisko: But how? Garak: I can take you to Cardassia. I have friends... I also have enemies... (Singing) and I danced the night away under the Cardassian moon! Sisko: Huh? Garak: But I won't do it. It's too dangerous. Sisko: I have here a data sheet with the newest Bajoran winter fashions. They haven't been released to anybody except me. I could give them to you... Garak: You're a shrewd bargainer Mr. Sisko. All right, we'll disguise ourselves as Cobainians and sneak through their defenses! Intake: So you still won't accept your true identity. Kira: It's not my true identity! Intake: So be it. Did you know that the Runforthe Border saves everything that comes into its possession? Old batteries, back issues of Torture Weekly, everything! Kira: What's your point? Intake: Hey Bob, bring in the double! Kira: It's fake! It's a clone! It's a transporter double! It's some other cheesy Silly Trek gag! Intake: Nope, it's your stunt double. Kira: Intake: Now you can't try any violent escape scenes! Kira: Then I've got no possibility for plot advancement other than to play that stupid tape! Ariana: Don't do it Kira! It's a trap! Intake: Heh heh, wrong tape. Dax: Agh! There's a big neato Cardassian ship about to intercept us all! Sisko: Quick! Hail them! And put on the holofilter thingy! Diplated: I'm Gul Diplated of the Neato Ship Nevershown! Sisko: You're Frank from MST3K! Diplated: Shut up. What are you doing here? Sisko: We're hauling emergency shin casts to Cardassia. Diplated: I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop your ship just for having such a stupid line. Garak: Not so fast! Drop the holofilter thingy! Diplated: You're not Cobainians! Garak: Real smart. Now delete all your mission logs and stuff. We were never here! Diplated: Don't you need to say Security Code Bokbar-14? Garak: Oh yeah. Security Code Bokbar-14. Diplated: OK, see ya. Garak: Quickly! To the final spiffy scene! Intake: What are the names of the Federation ships deployed along the demilitarized zone? Kira: There aren't any! Intake: Yeah there are! Kira: No there aren't! It's totally unguarded! Intake: Then what's keeping us from going in and killing everyone? Kira: How should I know, you're the Cardassian. Intake (shouting offstage): Hey, guess what, everybody! Kira: Hehe. Apitsa: Quickly! I'll help you escape! Kira: Hi. Hey, wait a minute, I know how to tell whether I'm a Cardassian or not! Apitsa: It was a trap all the time! Kira: But why would they do all this? Apitsa: Just to provide a premise for the parody. Kira: But wait! What if the Border knows that you're involved with the dissidents? Apitsa: They can't! I destroyed all the negatives! Intake: Sit down, Apitsa. We've got you now! Apitsa: What are you doing? Intake: You're going to take a little BATH, Apitsa! Apitsa: Noo! Kira: Must not... be in the fight scene! Garak: Ha ha! Intake: Garak! Garak: That's my name, don't wear it out. Intake: What are you doing here? Garak: Killing you, what else? Sisko: Yes, through superior budget the crew of DT9 triumphs again! Sisko: The Cardassians were everywhere! But I stood my ground and beat them all up! Dax: Wow! Too bad I wasn't in that scene! Kira: I'm really getting sick of all these Cardassian plots to confuse me. Sisko: Well don't worry, next week is an Odo episode. Dax; Why don't we roll the preview? Sisko: Great idea! Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: Odo must convince a Hem'erhoid kid that there's more to life than death and dismemberment! Odo: What we need is a midnight basketball program. Sisko: Too tacky! We need a spiffy ending! Announcer: Relevance abounds... on the next ALL-GNU episode of Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== BORG PERSONAL ADS STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 6: T-V UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 6 (Sc. 26-30) STAR TREK PARODY: "The Unbandaged" [The Abandoned] DS9 #52 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). 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