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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 34 December 15 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Reflection on Upcoming Events BORG PERSONAL ADS STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 6: T-V UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 6 (Sc. 26-30) STAR TREK PARODY: "The Unbandaged" [The Abandoned] DS9 #52 =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Reflection on Upcoming Events ----------------------------- In one week the special Christmas edition of RIF (35) will be released. The 37th issue will be dedicated to Trilleth on her wedding day. It will be a regular issue (that means with the Universal Science Fiction Parody and a Star Trek Parody in the issue). Issue 39 will be the third anniversary issue of the Borg Club, the organization which spawned this netzine. It is planned that this will be a regular issue. It also may be a double issue, but that has not been completely decided yet. Three issues will be released in March 1995. The 42nd issue will be a special Nawruz edition (meaning no USFP or ST parody). Nawruz is the Baha'i New Year. April will follow with another three issues with issue 45 being the special Ridvan edition. Ridvan is the most important festival of the Baha'i calendar. We have no more three issue months scheduled for the rest of the year as of the date of this edition. Some of the articles waiting in our vault are: two more satires revolving around scenes from "Star Trek: Generations"; some random Borg top ten lists and jokes; The Borg vs. Microsoft; more Borg taglines; Borg sing-a-longs; Why Romulans are so stupid; Klingon Opera; The Twelve Days of Klinzhai; I'm a Borg - He's A Borg - Wouldn't you want to be a Borg too?; Borg Jokes; Common scenes in Star Trek: The Next Generation; NOT TO MENTION, the continuing brilliant Leonard Richardson satires of the Deep Space Nine third season and the extremely clever, apparently never-ending saga of the Universal Science Fiction Parody. --Oxnardus ================= BORG PERSONAL ADS ================= A Key To Some Abbreviations Used In Personal Ads ------------------------------------------------ GWM-Grumpy Wimpy Man AAL-Argumentative and Loud ELN-Extremely Large Nose JAV-Jealous and Vindictive PTM-Poor Table Manners PTV-Prone to Violence WBH-Wears Bad Hairpiece EBM-Enjoys Barry Manilow DB-Doesn't Bathe LTPTOF-Likes To Paste Things On Face CAFWSIFTA-Can't Afford Full Words So I'm Forced To Abbreviate ___________________________________________________________________________ FINANCIALLY UNSTABLE BORG-I owe |BIGOTED HUMAN-Who seeks ideal lady. everyone money. If you're not one of my|I can't stand Vulcans, Romulans, creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send |Klingons, Bajorans, Cardassians, Phone, mine was repossessed. Out-Of- |Andorians, BORGS, Horta, Tribbles, Workus, CUBE 44 |or Ferengi. Affectionate, warm and ---------------------------------------|loving. BOX 57 HANDSOME BUT NOT WEALTHY-We're sorry to|----------------------------------- announce that someone has answered this|I HAVE A BURNING DESIRE-To meet add and the Ferengi is now lunch for a |that special someone to help me set a very hungry unit at the BAT'S PLACE! |the Galaxy on fire. Write Pyrous, ---------------------------------------|Cube for the Criminally Insane. SHORT, CHUBBY-Petty, balding man look- |Send Photo, Phone, and Matches. ing for a date. I may not sound like |----------------------------------- much, but I've probably got the most |FRAKNOR-Warlord of the planet Zimbo honest ad on this page. BOX 98 |wishes to meet 4th Dimension Time ---------------------------------------|Goddess to share my throne in the UNRULY MOB-With torches seeks tall, |Vricklan Galaxy. No weirdos, BOX 7 Green-skinned monster for moonlight |----------------------------------- gettogethers in bog. BOX 15 |MAN. NONSMOKING, NONDRINKING-Non- ---------------------------------------|eating, Nonbreathing. Actually, I'm ACCOUNTANT-Longs to meet anyone who |dead. I need someone to bury me. isn't an accountant. Stanley, BOX 62 |CASKET 79 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO PLACE A PERSONAL AD: --------------------------- Put your ad in an envelope along with a bank check or money order for $5,000 made out to the RIF PERSONALS STAFF, CARE OF WINGUS 2. If you wish to send the check or money order WITHOUT a personal ad, you have that option. It is understood that any ads we receive that sound genuinely sexy or otherwise appealing in any way will be put aside for answering by the RIF PERSONALS STAFF Personally. We can't guarantee any responses to your ad, but if you were as familiar with out readers as we are, that wouldn't upset you! --Wingus Qube 2 of BORG, Vsns23f@Prodigy.Com ===================================== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ===================================== Part Six -------- Take my Worf ..... please! --Data Tasha and Data, when the bulkheads shook. Tasha and I were... intimate. * Data. Tasha Burger: It'll come up again later after it's gone. Technobabble : Double Talk for the 24th Century Tell her; I feel fine. * Spock Terminator 3: Klingon female with PMS. Terror, n: A female Klingon with PMS. Terrorized, adj: A Klingon whose wife has PMS. Thank you. Alexander will not repeat this mistake.- Worf. That is impossible. My timing is digital. * Data That one's ripped put on this red one þ Kirk That was setting #1. Anyone want to see setting #2? --Guinan That will become clear very shortly. * Sela That's enough, Data! That's how we get out... We're buying this place. * Riker That's my cat, Quark. Isn't he charming? That's no tagline! It's Odo! That's the nuttiest idea you've had, Counselor. þ Geordi That's wrong -- I do bite. * K'Ehleyr The bride and groom... go naked? * Tasha The chip's canna' take much more o'this, Captain. The Computer is impressed with Data's hardware. The Counselor and I will be indisposed today. þ Riker The dilithium UARTs won't take this baud rate much longer The dylithium crystals cannae handle it,Cap'n! The Enterprise - Crewed entirely by Officers? The hell with the prime directive, let's kill something. The L.A. Riots of 1992: Shakka, when the malls fell. The Matt Decker Award for over acting The safety of the Enterprise is of Paramount importance. - Picard The Star Trek Express Card: Don't leave orbit without it. The UART's will'na take this speed Cap'n The universe is a spheroid region 705 meters in diameter There are *FOUR* lights! Picard There are times when I long for a Klingon woman. þ Worf There is a multi--legged creature on your shoulder-Spock There is no weather sir, we're on a ship. - Riker There may be a correlation between humor and sex þ Data There once was a woman from Venus . . . --Data There's no intelligent life here Scotty -- Beam me up These are the voyages ... No, they're not þ DS9 opening These are the voyages of other aliens visiting us * DS9 They make love at the drop of a hat. Any hat. - Geordi They work with their women. And force them to wear clothing! Thinking quickly Spock opens a can of peas with his ears. This is an airlock. Allow me to demonstrate. --Worf This is hopeless. Fighting would be preferable. - Worf This is more of that Klingon crap, isn't it? - Alexander This is the android that I respect in battle. * Sela This isn't reality... this is fantasy! Uhura This Old Starship - with your host, Montgomery Scott... This photocopier is still not functioning - Picard. This tagline is really Constable Odo... This uniform doesn't fit and you know it. * Ensign Ro THIS IS CETI ALPHA FIVE!! * Khan Three jacks for the handsome young Ensign. * Deanna Time is a luxury you don't have. * Khan Time travel gives me nosebleeds. - LaForge To baldly go where no on has gone before : Picard To boldly go where no man has gone before. To boldly orbit Bajor like no station has orbited before! To boldly stay here and wait for someone to come by. To die is bad, but to lose my sense of humor...? * Riker To hell with the speed limit! Warp 9, Mr. Data! Engage!! To HELL with the Prime Directive...FIRE! To transport or not to transport that is the question - Shake'Obrien TOS,TAS,TMP,TWOK,TSFS,TVH,TNG,TFF,TUC,DS9,???? Tractor beams are my specialty. * Wesley Transporter room, beam that tagline up immediately! Transwarp drive in 5 4 3 2 1... Trek Classic - it's the real thing. Trek Classic -- Who Needs Another Generation? Trek excuse #1: The Prime Directive clearly forbids it! Trekkers do it on impulse. Trekkers work out at the He's Dead Gym. Trekkies DO IT at high warp speed. Trekkies work out at the He's Dead Gym. Trill Burger: Try one, you'll feel like a new person! Troi and Polaroid, the pictures developing. Troi Burger: Double decker! Troi: I feel.....The BURN!!!! I sense smoke...... Troi: She's not just window dressing any more... TROI: I feel pain, GREAT pain! ... RIKER: Glad you liked it Trust me. Your safety is at stake. Uhura, any word from mainframe command? Uhura, when the communicator beeps. UHURA: Transmission jammed at the source, Sir. Unable to locate TEAEARLGREY.HOT -- Enterprise halted! Unfortunately, it'll be a shotgun wedding. * Riker V = (W^(10/3) * (1+(W/9)^100 / 18323 / (10-W)^1.25) Vamoose, ya little varmint!  Data Very funny Scotty - now beam up my clothes! Very unfortunate. We will be dead.  Worf Vote for Locutus/Hugh'9 of 6 of the Collective Party!!! Vulcan DOS: Illogical command or file name Vulcan Science Academy Dropout. Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force. Vulcans do it with their fingers. Vulcans do not approve of violence. Vulcans NEVER bluff ---Spock Vulcans worship peace above all. ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= [Scene 26. Exterior Shot. Base of the Network 23 building. The dark, ominous, black feel of the old Max Headroom Television series is maintained. Large amounts of footage are spent on this scene. A row of nearly identical black sedans are parked along the road. Suddenly, World Watch One swings around the corner. Before it comes to a complete stop, Buckaroo is leaping out and running towards the building. New Jersey Jones is a mere three steps behind him. They run into the building.] [Scene change. Interior Shot. Lobby of Network 23 building. Everything is done in shades of black marble. In the background, a group of men in trenchcoats and sunglasses are yelling incoherently at a video monitor which holds the image of Max Headroom.] MAX: G-G-G-Gentlemen, please, control yourselves. [Buckaroo and Jones ignore them and head for the stairs.] [Scene Change. Bryce Lynch's Lab. Various computers, video equipment, robots, Mattel Toys, wires, cables, cameras, and other high-tech electronic equipment are scattered about the room. In one corner, a wire birdcage holds a mechanical, gold-plated owl. (It is the mechanical Boo-bo, built by Hephaestus and given to Perseus by Athena in "Clash of the Titans"). Bryce is sitting in front of his computer, his feet up, drinking a lime soda and playing with an Etch-A-Sketch. Buckaroo and New Jersey Jones burst in the door.] BUCKAROO: Bryce! Have you still got the tape? BRYCE: No problem. Some of those secret agent types showed up, but I sent Max to stall them. JONES: Yeah, we saw them. BUCKAROO: Bryce! Where's the tape?! BRYCE: Right here, but I have to show you this...It's a nonvert, you don't have to see it or hear it, you just get this urge to buy the prod... BUCKAROO: Sorry Bryce, no time. [He grabs the tape] C'mon Jones. [They bolt out of the room.] [Max Headroom appears on a nearby display.] MAX: H-h-how much longer-ger-ger do I have to stall these g-g-g-g-goons? BRYCE: Go ahead and give them the tapes... Wait a minute! [He breaks into a smile.] Put the prune juice nonverts on the tapes you give them. MAX: R-r-right. [Scene 27. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Battlestar Galactica. It looks much the same as it did before with a few major exceptions. The primary exception is that the center of the command balcony is made to look like an Italian Bistro. A round table is set up with four place settings laid out. Commander Adama, Starbuck, Apollo, and Slartibartfast are sitting around the table. In the center is a basket of rolls, a salt shaker, a pepper mill, and a small condiment rack holding Parmesan cheese, hot peppers, and catsup. An ice bucket with a bottle of red wine is between Slartibartfast and Apollo.] SLARTIBARTFAST: Well, that's everything, except... ADAMA: What's that sir? SLARTIBARTFAST: Hmmm. Ideally, there should be a dog underneath the table, begging for scraps. I wouldn't suppose you have anything passing for a dog on this bucket of tin? APOLLO: Well, there's Moff... [It is evident that Apollo stopped because Starbuck kicked him in the shin under the table.] SLARTIBARTFAST: What was that? Speak up! [The other three exchange looks.] You want to get to Earth don't you. ADAMA: There is a robotic Moffett. SLARTIBARTFAST: Well, bring him in here. [The screen goes black and the words 'A short time later' appear on the screen. Then the picture fades to the same scene as before except that Slartibartfast is out of his chair and talking to Toby? (That little brat on BG)] SLARTIBARTFAST: Ok, now when I toss some salt over my left shoulder, you send him under the table. TOBY: Right. [Slartibartfast goes to the chair and sits down.] SLARTIBARTFAST: I hope you gentlemen are hungry. [He pours a round of wine for everyone.] Friends, a toast. [He raises his glass, as do the others.] To Earth! OTHERS: To Earth! [They all clink glasses and the sound of the engines roaring to life is heard.] {Author's Note: GFO=Generic Female Officer, GMO=Generic Male Officer} GFO: Commander, we've already reached our normal cruising speed! SLARTIBARTFAST: Help yourselves to rolls sirs. [A mad dash for rolls ensues, during which SLARTIBARTFAST spills some salt, which he tosses over his left shoulder. Toby releases Moffett who runs under the table and scampers in a circle.] SLARTIBARTFAST: Starbuck, isn't it? Knock over that glass of wine. [Starbuck does so.] Now, Commander, quickly, soak it up with your napkin. [Adama complies.] GMO: General, cosmic dust is striking the outer hull with great intensity. GENERAL: Lower the blast shield. [GMO moves some levers and the metal shield is lowered.] SLARTIBARTFAST: Apollo, feed Moffett under the table. [As Apollo does this, SLARTIBARTFAST downs his drink and pours another one.] Enjoy your shrimp scampi, gentlemen. [Suddenly, a calypso drum beat hovers in the air and...] SLARTIBARTFAST: Daaaaaay-o. Daa-aa-aay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go home. GFO: Commander, something's wrong! We're spiraling way off course. SLARTIBARTFAST: Day, me say day, me say day, me say daa-aa-aay-o. Daylight come and me wanna go home. GMO: There's something on the long range scan! It's mass indicates a Cylon Basestar! [From here on, Slartibartfast, Adama, Starbuck, and Apollo reenact the dinner calypso scene from Beetlejuice, which alternates with scenes of the entire fleet hurtling haphazardly through space and dragging the Cylon Basestar with them. As the song ends, the fleet is moving at great speed. Extreme close-up of Slartibartfast.] SLARTIBARTFAST: Oh dear. [Scene 28. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Worf, Data, LaForge, and Riker are standing near the Guardian. Data is sweeping the area with his Tri-Corder, while LaForge and Riker examine the Guardian.] RIKER: Geordi, what do you see. LaFORGE: Nothing, Commander, I'm blind remember. [Riker takes off Geordi's hat and hits him with it.] RIKER: With the SHADES (tm), you idiot. {Author's Note: SHADES = Sensitive Hilighting, Array-Deployed, Enhancement Sensors. Thank you.} LaFORGE: Oh, well it appears to be made of a previously unknown substance. DATA: Commander LaForge, perhaps connecting with the Enterprise computers would help. LaFORGE: Good idea. [He taps his communicator.] Computer, connect with my SHADES(tm) for data analysis. [A few bleeps and whirrs.] COMPUTER: Connection completed. [Riker leans a hand against the Guardian which begins to glow in flashes and talk.] GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. What was, can be again. Many journeys are possible. [Riker jumps.] RIKER: What was that?! DATA: I believe that it was the structure that we have been studying. GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. Here is the history of one of your home worlds. [The Guardian's center clouds over and then begins to display the history of Earth. Data sets his Tri-Corder on rapid scan and aims it at the Guardian. Riker notices his action.] RIKER: Data, what are you doing? DATA: I am using the tricorder to record the Earth's history. I saw Spock do it in an episode of the old series title, "City on the Edge of Forever." RIKER: Hmmmm. As I recall, any minute now, a temporarily insane member of the crew is supposed to jump into the scene and enter the Guardian. [Suddenly, Guinan jumps from behind a rock, rushes at the Guardian and jumps through.] GUINAN: Cowabunga! [Worf fires his phaser. He misses Guinan but the beam enters the Guardian of Forever.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Two-shot of Picard and Troi necking. Troi notices the camera, points to it, Picard turns, sees the camera, collects himself, and stares intently at the viewscreen.] PICARD: How did Guinan get down there anyway? WESLEY: Computer records no transporter activity and no shuttles are missing from the shuttlebay. PICARD: Thank you, ensign, but that tells me how she didn't get there, NOT how she did. WESLEY: Well, I just thought... PICARD: Shut up, Wesley! OFF-STAGE VOICE: Have you vacuumed your cats face today? PICARD: [Whirls around] Q! Q: Yes, Picard, how astute of you to notice. PICARD: Q! Q: You're repeating yourself. I sent Guinan to the planet. PICARD: Why? Q: Hold that thought. [He turns and disappears. Picard stands there stunned. suddenly Q returns.] I sent her down because there's something wrong here. PICARD: What? Q: History has been changed. The thing is you don't know it. PICARD: What? Q: Guinan knew what was happening, so I put her on the planet so she could fix it. Besides, I didn't really like her. PICARD: Bring her back. Q: Can't she's already gone through the Guardian. This is your problem now, and Picard... PICARD: What?! Q: Wesley is special. [Q fades out, while Wesley secretly smiles to himself.] PICARD: Shut up, Wesley! [Scene 29. Exterior Shot. Kentucky Woods, near a highway. The highway is rather deserted and cars go by infrequently. Dr. Zarkov, Dale, Flash, and a large, hairy mass which towers over them are walking down the road.] FLASH: Dale, we have to get rid of this thing. It's hard enough to get a ride anyway, with this beast around, it's impossible. DALE: Flash! Stop! You're hurting his feelings. [She puts her arm around the monster and coos to it.] There, there. [As Dale coos to the beast, the camera pans upward and we can see that this huge beast is Harry from 'Harry and the Hendersons'] FLASH: Dr. Zarkov! ZARKOV: I'm sorry, Flash. I have to side with Dale on this, the possibilities here for scientific study are enormous. FLASH: What about the possibilities of ever getting back to civilization? Besides, you realize that every car that passes us, goes and tells the people in the next town. ZARKOV: Good, that will increase our chances of receiving aid. FLASH: [Rolls his eyes.] You never saw _Frankenstein_, did you? ZARKOV: No, I find popular cinema unchallenging to my intellect, why? FLASH: Never mind. [Suddenly, a burst of red laser light shoots past Flash's head.] Hit the deck! [All of them including Harry dive into a nearby ditch.] What was that? ZARKOV: My guess would be some kind of hand-powered laser weapon, but I've never heard of anything like that on Earth. FLASH: Ming's men had a lot of them. [Considers for a moment.] I'm going to have a look. [He stands up. Harry, who is right next to him, mimics his action. Flash has only been standing for a few seconds when another laser shot wings him. He quickly ducks. A blue station wagon drives by before Harry can duck.] Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the blue station wagon, close up of the driver. It is Mr. Henderson from Harry and the Hendersons.] HENDERSON: Was that?...Never mind. [Shakes his head.] [Quick scene change. Exterior Shot. Close up of Flash, Dale, Harry, and Zarkov in the ditch.] FLASH: Definitely more of Ming's shock troops. DALE: [Gets hysterical] What are we going to do?!?!? They'll kill us!!! [Flash slaps Dale repeatedly until she calms down.] FLASH: Calm down, Dale, we'll think of something. [But it's already too late. Flash looks up and at this point the camera angle changes so that we are seeing through Flash's eyes. The camera is focused on a pair of silver boots first, but it moves up to show a red and silver uniformed person, wearing a space helmet. He carries a rather mean-looking weapon which he points at the camera and fires. The screen goes quickly red and then fades to black.] [Scene 30. Exterior Shot. The utter, endless blackness of deep space. As the camera pans, the entire Imperial Fleet can be seen. It is not drifting aimlessly, but moving under full power, all in the same direction. The Dreck Star is at the center of it all. It's front point is as it was before, and all three engines on the rear corners are under full power moving the thing.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Lord Gator's Meditation Room. Karth is sitting with his back to the camera in the lotus position on four soft pillows. A beeping signal is heard. Karth rotates in position until he is facing the camera.] KARTH: Come in. [A large metal door slides up and a single officer walks in.] OFFICER: Lord Gator, no mass detected even on the longest range scans. KARTH: That is odd. I sense a strong disturbance in the force ahead. No matter, it is of little consequence. Thank you Admiral Fister. FISTER: Yes, Lord Gator. [He clicks his heels and walks out.] KARTH: Hmmmm. Skywalker, it is you isn't it. I shall not fail to defeat you as have so many of my predecessors. [He rotates back again. Fade to black.] Continued next issue... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions nihilistically presents "The Unbandaged" A parody of ST:DS9's "The Abandoned" Lady: Quark! Quark: Oh no, it's that weird-looking lady who always tries to sell me junk! Lady: I've got something for you, Quark! Quark: Noo! Get away! Quark: Aaah! Morn! Help me! Quark (moaning): All right, I'll buy your junk! Quark: Hm, I can probably get a bundle for this at the recycling center. Quark: Oh no. Kid: WAAAAUGH! Quark: WAAAAUGH! Announcer: Deep Throat Nine is brought to you by Durashell batteries. No battery lasts a more infinitesimal time! There, that oughta confuse 'em. <> Quark: I had no idea that there was a kid in the ship! Sisko: Well the big question is not where is he from, but how cute can we make him? Sisko: How cute! Quark: Oh no, it's got him! Jake: What this I hear about inviting my girlfriend over for dinner? Sisko: It's a time-honored tradition, just one of many that us fathers have to embarrass our sons. Jake: Yeah, I understand that, but what if the producer takes this as an opportunity to spring a laugh track on us? Sisko: Don't worry, I've taken care of it. Jake: Gee, that's great dad! Q: And furthermore, my last two cameos were of Joke Type B ("Metaphysical") instead of type C ("Funny")! I demand retribution! My contract CLEARLY states-- Picard: Enough of your litigation, Q! Sisko: Hey Bashir, where's the baby? I want to swoon over him again. Bashir: He's not a baby anymore. His metabolism is so fast that I've been too busy monitoring it to think of a technobabble term for it! Sisko: Buckwheat, NO! <> But wait! This commercial break contains the bonus Bob in the Box commercial! And it goes like this: Announcer: In the far reaches of the galaxy, an new alliance is being formed! But haven't we all heard enough about the new movie studio? Let's talk about food instead! That's right, by supersizing your Bob in the Box meal you can get a bonus ST:WNGWOTTOSTRWG cup, yo-yo, and autographed picture of Soran! How much would you pay? $30,000? $90,000? $500,000? But no! It's just 39 cents! At participating Bob in the Boxes nowhere! Sisko: This is not good! Buckwheat is NOT cute! Kid: I'm not Buckwheat! Sisko: Well, what's your name? Kid: I need food. Sisko: Strange name. Kid: Look, give me food or I'll throw a tantrum! Sisko: Okay, okay... Great Zarquon, this kid has our ratings in his hands! O'Brien: And over here we have this sign. As far as we can figure out it says "Don't let the kid out or he'll kill you all!" And look at this label on the thermos lid. Sisko: "Do Not Open Until Christmas." It's like someone didn't want him maturing while he was on board. O'Brien: Kind of like in Aliens. Bashir: You know, that's an interesting comparison. Sisko: Is there something you have to tell us, doctor? Bashir: Yeah, but I think I'll wait until my scene. Kira: Hey Odo, I just bought the Tiffany boxed set. Wanna borrow some tapes? Odo: Sure, come in. Kira: Nice digs. Odo: It's not all the way set up yet. I'm planning to rewallpaper over there, and put in some insulation. Of course there'll be Jell-O molds. Kira: Oh, that's nice. Odo: Yes, and over there... Bashir: He's maturing at an incredible rate. Dax: Why are we drinking out of lamp chimneys? Bashir: Don't ask me! Anyway, he's also missing one of his enzymes. If he doesn't get a steady stream of it, he'll die. Dax: Gee, where'd the writers think up THAT idea? Bashir: It's all I can do just to keep him under control. He hit puberty last shift. Dax: You know what bugs me? Everywhere we go that cameraman is always following us. Bashir: It's funny you should mention that, because a situation similar to the one you described is going on this minute in another part of the station! Bajoran Guy: Back, evil cameraman! Bajoran Lady: Bashir: Look, why don't we-- Dax: Oh no! He's a Hemm'erhoid! Bashir: The cameraman? Dax: No, the kid! Bashir: Well I wouldn't want to get hit by either of them, thank goodness for worker's comp! Kid: There's nothing wrong with me! Bashir: Is that why you keep rushing the force field? Kid: Odo: Look, you're missing an enzyme! If you don't-- if you don't cooperate with the jerk, er the doctor, you're going to be toast! And if you keep doing that you're going to be BURNT toast! Kid: There's... there's something wrong with me... Odo: Good, admitting you have a problem is step one. Kid: I have pains in my head... in my chest... Odo: PMS? Bashir: He IS a Hemm'erhoid. Odo: How do we expect the writer to make that connection when he can't even spell it right? Bashir: We're looking for the enzyme he needs, in the meantime he should stay in Sickbay. Kid: No! I wanna stay with Odo! Bashir: Fine, fine. Odo: Now let's go to my quarters and have a stupid chat. Odo: All right, first thing's first. What's your name? Kid: I don't have a name. It just says "Kid" in the script. Odo: Okay... what do you want to accomplish in life? Kid: I want to fight! Odo: Who? Kid: The others! Odo: And who would those be? Kid: The guys with the cheap prosthetics! Odo: It's called "no budget," have some sympathy! Kid: Sympathy? Bah! Odo: (thinks a while) I like you, kid. Sisko: It's shrimp. Dabo Girl: I'm a vegetarian. Announcer: Due to extreme cheesiness in the preliminary notes, the rest of this scene has been cancelled. That was the only halfway-funny line in the whole lot. Bashir: It's OK, O'Brien found the enzyme. Now we'll start out at 2 ccs, let me know if you feel uncomfortable. Kid: I've got a tube in my neck! Bashir: A fair point. Here we go. Feel any better? Kid: Kahless! I see Kahless! Bashir: He has the capacity to carry on stupid running jokes. He's probably fine, but I'd like to keep him-- Kid: No! I want to go with Odo! ODO ODO ODO ODO! Bashir: Let's try 5 ccs. Odo: Look kid, you're starting to get on my nerves. Kid: Why do you want to be like a humanoid anyway? Odo: Because if I walked around looking like a rock I wouldn't be very imposing would I? And besides latex is cheaper than realism any day. Kid: But they are inferior to you! Just like I know in here that I am inferior to you! Odo: Well, that's only because you have a puny contract. Besides, around here we're all equal. Got it? Kid: But why? When some jokes are so much funnier than others? Odo: That may be, but if we started cutting people who weren't funny you'd be the first to go. So don't knock equality. Kid: I can be funny! Odo: Let's see you. Kid: I can do this really funny routine about my desire to maim everything in sight! Odo: Okay, I'll be your straight man. Kid (loudly): Odo! Why? Why do they stare at me so? Odo: They're staring at you NOW. Kid: Don't they know I could kill them all and have Bajor for dessert? Odo: They do now. Now stop being stupid! You can channel your feelings of aggression in other ways. Have you tried bowling? You could join a league. Kid: I'd rather be violent! Odo: You will feel otherwise by episode's end! Kid: Ha! We will have a reality ending! Odo: I don't think comedy is your field, kid. You better run off and join the Cro-Magnon. Kid: Why are you following me? Odo: Where do you think you're going? Kid: I'm gonna steal a runabout! Odo: Well they're on the other side of the station! Kid: Agh. Odo: No! Wait! Make a left! Odo: Now, type in the override code... no, that's a four. Kid: I can do it without help! Odo: Okay, okay. Careful, that door's heavy! Kid: I'm leaving, Odo! Guy: Wait, kid! Kid: Huh? Who are you? Record Company Executive: I'm a record company executive. I've seen some of your stuff, and I love it! I can set you up so you can MAKE A LIVING talking about killing people! Kid: How? Record Company Executive: Just sign these contracts and you're a bona fide gangsta rapper! Record Company Executive: We're gonna make you a STAR, kid! Odo: And so the parody ends. But why was it called "The Unbandaged?" Maybe it was just an irrelevant title. Leonard: I was going to appear and explain it but I couldn't find a good place. See, when I started this parody I had this cut on my face and I needed a Big Bird Band-Aid (tm) for it, but now it's better and I don't need it anymore. Odo: Perhaps it would have been better had we never known. Leonard: And while I'm at it, no amphibious creatures were harmed during the making of this parody. Except that one. Roll the preview! Announcer: Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Kira: The station's gonna blow up! Steven Spielberg: YES!!! Sisko: Look, why don't we wait until the end of the month when the landlord comes around? Gul Delocks: Muahaha! Announcer: And there is no need for the announcer to move along the preview's plotline. Does this mean he's getting fired? Find out--NO! AIEE! Next time on Deep Throat 9: An ancient Cardassian paranoia device threatens to swamp the parody with horrible jokes about Depends underwear! Can Sisko, Jake, and O'Brien pull off their daring escape? Can Gul Ubble and Garak refrain from acting like Beavis and Butthead? Will Morn even notice? Find out, on an ALL-ASCII episode of Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! ---Leonard Richardson; internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== RIF #35: BORG SINGALONG: Disrupter Blasts; Twelve Days of Klinzai; Borg Ramming Song; I Fought the Borg (and the Borg Won) WHAT THE ENTERPRISE-D CREW IS DOING NOW FROM RIF BBS: Help Wanted THE STAR TREK CHRISTMAS SPECIAL RIF #36: STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 7: W-Z UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 7 (Sc. 31-35) STAR TREK PARODY: "Civil Depends" [Civil Defense] DS9 #53 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). 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