_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 http://marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 45 August 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Debuts, a reminder and a walk into the Twilight Zone STAR TREK: STARSHIPS STAR TREK SUPERIORITY SERIES: ST:TNG VS. EARTH-2 UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 15 (Sc. 63-64) STAR TREK PARODY: "Pastrami" a parody of DS9 #61 "Destiny" The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== WHAT'S NEW THIS ISSUE? We are debuting a new series ("Star Trek Superiority Series") by David Nurenberg. This will not be a serial in the old fashion- sense, but a series which will pit the Star Trek Crews against the casts of other science fictions shows. This will run for three issues. We are also debuting a parody by Bernhard Rosenkraenzer. In this parody Bernhard refers to a Borg story which he wrote. Beginning in RIF #46, we will serialize his non-parody Borg adventure. It may not be parody but it is a cliff-hanger type adventure which will hearken back to the old matinees at the Bijou. A REMINDER I would like to remind the readers that the majority of contributors to this newsletter would enjoy feedback on their parodies. Most are in the process of honing their craft and serious comments about what the reader liked and/or disliked would be greatly appreciated. If the contributor has an e-mail address, it is listed after the article. RIF ENTERS THE TWILIGHT ZONE A very bizarre mailing bug has apparently crept up. Not everyone received RIF #44 in the late June mailing. I have not been able to figure out why some got RIF #44 and others didn't. Some have brought to my attention that they did not received #44. I will be sending out #44 again around the 15th of August. If you'd like to get on that mailing, please e-mail before then. I haven't checked the ftp site in a while so I do not know whether the issue got to Graz or not. As is, I don't know whether the same thing will happen in this mailing. If I get the same results, I will start experimenting with different ways to deliver RIF. AND AS THE LONE RIDER RIDES INTO THE SUNSET... Anyways, that's life in the cybercity. Enjoy this month's issue...please! Or at least receive it, okay???!!!!??? ==================== STAR TREK: STARSHIPS ==================== (After Star Trek: Generations, the crews of the different starships (Enterprise D (well, rather E, by now) and Voyager) meet !!!) VOYAGER'S RETURN ---------------- JANEWAY: Captain's log, star date 49999.9. We're still on our way home, currently in the Delta Quadrant. TUVOK: Borg ship is approaching at high warp!!!!! JANEWAY: Red alert! Fire phasers! TUVOK: Aye, Sir. (Short battle between Voyager and Borg ship) JANEWAY: Senseless. Hail them. BORG: We are Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. (The Borg board the Voyager, and assimilate every crew member. The crew is assigned its own cube ship.) (The cube ship leaves for Federation territory) (Scene changes to outside shot of Enterprise, NCC-1701-E) PICARD: Captain's log, star date 50000.0. I've just taken command of my new ship, the Bernhard-Rosenkraenzer-Class starship U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-E. (Author's notice: So much about the speculations about the Enterprise E's class...) The crew is the same one as the NCC-1701-D's was. WORF: Captain, a Borg ship is approaching at high warp! PICARD: Hail them. FEMALE BORG: This is Janeutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. RIKER: Captain Janeway!!!!! MALE BORG, played by Tim Russ: Your exclamation is illogical and futile. PICARD: I thought the Borg were no longer collective??? DATA: You should have read the story "Resistance" on alt.startrek.creative, Captain. It would have given you the reasons for the existence of collective Borg. PICARD: alt.startrek.creative? What are you talking about????? DATA: Well, if you don't have access to the group, you can obtain the story from BERO@rage.fido.de... PICARD: Let's stop this discussion. There are more actual matters to discuss. Dr. Crusher, report to the bridge. (With the Picard maneuver, the Enterprise escapes several Borg attacks, finally, Dr. Crusher arrives on the bridge.) PICARD: You dis-assimilated me, do you think you can do the same thing with the Voyager's crew? CRUSHER: Why not? PICARD: Let's get started. (The Enterprise crew dis-assimilates the entire Voyager crew, then they are beamed to the Enterprise.) PICARD: What happened to your ship? JANEWAY: It has been assimilated. TUVOK: It was quite futi... err... illogical. PICARD: Well, it doesn't matter you've lost your ship. You will be assigned to a new ship. (Fade out, next scene: Voyager crew in shuttle, near a starbase.) JANEWAY: I bet they're assigning us to a freighter... (Behind the starbase, the new starship USS Voyager, NCC-74656-A appears; Crew boards Voyager A - which has a completely modified bridge, etc.) JANEWAY: Let's see what the ship can do. (Voyager goes to maximum warp) (Fade out, play Voyager theme song, show cast list). ---BERNHARD_ROSENKRAENZER@RAGE.FIDO.DE@INET# ============================ STAR TREK SUPERIORITY SERIES ============================ STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION VS. EARTH TWO ------------------------------------------- CAST: ROLE STAR TREK TNG EARTH 2 Leader person Picard Devon Macho stud Riker Alonzo Robot guy Data Zero Engineer Geordi Danzinger Doctor Bev Crusher Jess Heller Hot Babes Troi, Crusher, Ro Bess Rotten Kid Wesley Uli, True Captain's Log, Stardate: Uh...the big hand is on the three, and the little hand...aw, forget it! Once again that insufferable brat, Wesley, has sent us spinning off course to some distant galaxy in some distant dimension, and we'll be stuck here for 4/5ths of the show until the little geek inevitably comes up with a plan to get us back, so we might as well make the best of it while we're here. DATA: Sir, there is a class M planet below us. Life form readings are indeterminate. RIKER: Huh? WESLEY: Meaning the sensors don't know what's down there - FOR A CHANGE. (To himself) Sheesh, adults. PICARD: Well, Number One, might as well send down an away team so you can all get imperiled while the transporters inevitably malfunction and we're unable to beam you up. RIKER: Sounds like a good plan. Since it's an unknown and dangerous planet, I'll take almost all of our senior staff. Geordi, Data, Worf, Troi, and nameless expendable security guard number four, you're with me. O'Brien, beam us down. GEORDI: Uh...O'Brien's not here anymore, remember? He's now on Deep Space nine where he finally gets his name in the credits. NAMELESS SECURITY GUARD#4: Darn. Now EVERYONE has their name in the credits somewhere except me and Dr. Pulaski... <<<>>>> (On the surface, Riker and Co encounter a strange ragtag group of wandering humans) DEVON: Hi! Whoever you are, be careful! WORF: Wha? There is danger? DEVON: No. I just really like saying that. Be careful! It makes my whole day. (Grins) RIKER: Ah...greetings! I come in peace from the United Federation of Planets, to share knowledge and the bed of any of your cute babes. Where's your leader? DEVON: Uh...our leader kind of got killed. RIKER: Hmm. I understand, it happens to the best of us. After all, even the greatest hero of our people, James T. Kirk, died saving the universe. DEVON: Well...actually...our leader died by getting shot with a little poison claw from a teeny tiny kitty alien. I guess I'm in charge now. People pretend to listen to me. RIKER: Ah...okay...well, my name's Will, and this is Geordi, Data, Worf, Deanna, and...uh...a nameless guy. But don't worry about him. He'll get killed pretty soon anyway. (The two groups mill around and break out the chips n'salsa) RIKER: Maaan, you guys must get really bored around here. This place is really a pit. Have you ever been to a place called Rysa? DEVON: Er...no. Besides Earth, this is the only planet we've been to. And...uh...actually, most of us have never even been to Earth. We lived on space stations that slowly killed us. GEORDI: Sounds like fun... DEVON: But we really do have some entertainment here. We have these cool VR goggles that we snap on and they make pretty lights around our faces. We pretend we're ballroom dancing and stuff, until we accidentally smack into trees in the real world. RIKER: Ah. I see. Well, you guys have to come to our ship and see our holodeck. No danger of trees there, and you don't even get eyestrain. ALONZO: Hey, you think you're so hot, huh? I've been flying sleepships for ages, and they don't have any wimpy holodecks to bide the time. Nothin but you and the stars... RIKER: Finally, someone I can talk to. You must have had some exciting times, zipping in and out of solar systems, engaging in heated space combat, darting thru - ALONZO: Er...actually I just kind of slept thru all of my voyages. Suspended animation. You know. RIKER: (backs up) Uh...yeah. DEVON: We're really not all that boring. Honest! My son, Uli, is the next step in human evolution. Say hi Uli, but be careful! ULI: Hi! I can communicate with aliens and make dead bones rattle. Aren't I cool? GEORDI: Some big step. We have this kid Wesley who can travel thru other planes of reality just by thinking about it. DEVON: Well...uh...you'd think much more of us when you see the kind of bad guys we fight. WORF: Enemies to fight? Finally! In my days on the ENTERPRISE I have grappled with shape shifting monsters, Romulan spies, unstoppable cyborg armies of the Borg, Cardassian torturers, nigh-omnipotent Qs... DEVON: Wow. Er. Well...we have Tim Curry! ALL ENTERPRISE CREW: TIM CURRY???? TIM CURRY: Haha! Yes! It is I! (kills nameless security guard - hey, you knew it was going to happen sooner or later). And now I shall destroy you all! RIKER: (laughing) THIS is your bad guy? Dr. Frank N' Furter? TIM CURRY: Hey, I was also the bellboy in Home Alone Two! RIKER: (yawns). Worf..... WORF: Bah. He is barely worth the effort. (Unsheathes his Bat'Leh and decapitates Tim Curry before anyone can blink) DEVON: Oh. Why didn't we think of that? (Screams) Oh no! It's Tim Curry's army of Grindlers, come to avenge his death! Be careful! RIKER: Phasers out everyone. Data, what do we know about Grindlers? DATA: They are large hulking baby faced oaflike lifeforms that spit a lot and like to deal. RIKER: Deal? That gives me an idea...(taps communicator and whispers something) <<<<>> QUARK: Did somebody say...DEAL? (Quark goes over to Grindlers and starts fast-talking, they go off together and minutes later the sound of Grindlers shouting "DABO!" can be heard in the distance as Quark starts piling up the latinum) GEORDI: Hmph. Big threat. DEVAN: (points to Troi) Hey, does she talk or is she just window dressing? TROI: No, I'm busy sensing. There are only three attractive females in your group; one is married, and another is a traitor. RIKER: Boy, those're slim pickings. On the ENTERPRISE Troi, Crusher, Ro, and I guess Gunian too are all free and up for grabs. OW! (falls down as Troi phasers him) DR. HELLER: Yes, you discovered me, I am a traitor! But I am only part of a whole conspiracy to destroy this group. How's THAT for drama? GEORDI: Well, we know how to deal with conspiracies. You check the back of the neck for a gill frond, and then find the mother creature and phaser her to death. Like this! (he and Worf fire, Heller vaporizes). Any more "threats?" ALONZO: Well...there are the Terrians. They move underground and give us bad dreams. DATA: I am scanning under the surface...yes...there are life forms here. TROI: PAIN! I sense pain! You are destroying their egg nodules! You must stop mining underground and they will leave you alone. DEVON: Oh. Why didn't we think of that? GEORDI: We've had experience with this kind of thing before. ALONZO: Ok, ok, you all think you're soooo cool with that android. Well, we have an android too. ZERO: Hello. I am an android. DATA: Intriguing. Have you ever met your creator as I have? ZERO: Negative. DATA: I am unique. How many are there like you? ZERO: Hundreds. Zero units are mass produced. DATA: Are any of them evil sociopaths like my brother? ZERO: Negative. DATA: Can you feel emotions with a special chip as I can? ZERO: Negative. DATA: Do you have a pet cat as I do? ZERO: Negative. DATA: Did you ever have a girlfriend, as I have had several? ZERO: Negative. DATA: Then I am curious. What DO you do here? ZERO: I lug things around. But I stop when Devon tells me to be careful. DATA: I see. Most intriguing. ALONZO: Well look at these cool trucks of ours. Don't you admit it's a neat way to get around? GEORDI: Yay. We have a SHIP. I love my ship. Sigh. I have to. I can't find a girl. DANZINGER: I had one but she died. Now I lust after Devon but she gives me the cold shoulder. Except when she tells me to be careful. GEORDI: (pats him on back). Yup. I had a holodeck girlfriend but even that didn't work out. I guess some things are constants everywhere. Engineers never get the babes. ALONZO: Yeah? Well, you guys killed of the lady I was interested in! (whips out rifle). You have to admit we have MUCH bigger GUNS that you do! (Aims) GEORDI: Uh...that's true. (Quickly taps badge) Quick! Beam us out of here! <<>> (Back on the ENTERPRISE Bridge) RIKER: (Now awake) You want big GUNS, huh? Worf, fire a torpedo spread! (ENTERPRISE fires, Eden colony gets wiped off the face of Earth Two) PICARD: Whew. I'm glad that's over. Number One, notify Starfleet Command that the planet has been cleansed of the parasitic, boring creatures that once inhabited it and is ready for colonization by INTELLIGENT life forms. RIKER: Aye, sir. Helm, set course for the FOX Network, maximum warp. And DON'T be careful. Plow thru anything in our way. Exercise MINIMUM caution, understood? Whew. Good. PICARD: Engage! (Pump up the Star Trek music) ---By David Nurenberg (SKIOLD@AOL.COM) ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= [Scene 63. Interior Shot. An office--rather well-decorated in plush carpeting and wood panels--probably somewhere in London. Behind a desk, sits a not unattractive woman in a well-made, rather conservative business outfit. Across from her, a door opens. A man in a three-piece suit enters and tosses his hat across the room to a hat rack.] MONEYPENNY: [looking up.] James. BOND: Moneypenny! How's my favorite girl? MONEYPENNY: You big tease. [James crosses and sits on the corner of her desk.] You have lots of other girls. [James raises an eyebrow and is about to answer when the inner door opens. Q pokes his head out.] Q: Ah, James, we've been waiting for you. [Bond bends to kiss Moneypenny's hand. He does, and follows Q into the inner office. Moneypenny turns and blushes.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. The inner office, if possible, is even more luxurious. M sits behind a desk. Q crosses to a window, while Bond toys with a letter opener he picked up off a small table.] M: 007, How nice of you to come by. BOND: Well, you summoned me. I merely... M: [Interrupting.] Never mind. I suppose you're wondering why I cut short your holiday. BOND: Besides the fact that you always do? I assume it has something to do with this World Crime League. If I'm not mistaken, you think SPECTRE is involved. M: Yes, with Blofeld out of the picture, the organization could have been taken over by anybody. Q? Q: Take these. [He opens a case holding six golden cuff links.] You'll find them useful. BOND: What do they do? Q: These two contain a small explosive charge. You attach the device, then press here and twist. It has a thirty second delay. BOND: How big a boom? Q: Not very big, I'm afraid. Just a few kilos of TNT equivalence. About enough to open a standard bank safe. Now, these two contain the parts to a microfilm camera. Note the small wire connecting them. This one holds the lens, while this is the activator switch. BOND: Impressive. Q: Yes, now these last two are transmitters, with an effective range of 200 miles. You can trace them with the case. BOND: Is that all? Q: No, you'll also take these. [He tosses Bond a set of keys.] BOND: Keys? M: The car is waiting for you downstairs. You'll drive it to the airbase and take it with you to America. Arrangements have already been made. BOND: I take it, that's where you believe the WCL is headquartered. M: A majority of the activity has been centered there. BOND: Yes, well, if there's nothing more? M: Just one more thing. When you arrive in America, you will be meeting up with a detective Columbo. A member of their New York Police Force, Homicide Division. He believes you are a member of InterPol. BOND: You told him this. M: No, he rather assumed it. We saw no need to disillusion him. Very well, that's all. Good Luck, Double O Seven. [M stands. James exits, taking the letter opener with him.] [Scene 64. Interior Shot. Backstage at the Muppet Theater. Kermit is facing towards the stage to welcome the 'act', which consists of six chickens in can-can costumes and Gonzo, coming off stage.] KERMIT: Lovely, lovely ladies. Thank you. You were wonderful. [The chickens and Gonzo go off to the left.] KERMIT: Okay everybody, that's intermission. [Scooter enters.] KERMIT: Scooter, is everything set up for the secret agent sketch? SCOOTER: Yes, but... KERMIT: Dr. Teeth and the band are ready? SCOOTER: Yes, but... KERMIT: The special effects guys from ILM are all set up? SCOOTER: Yes, but... KERMIT: Whew. I was worried that something would go wrong. This is the most expensive and elaborate sketch we've ever attempted. SCOOTER: I know, but... KERMIT: When you came running up like that, I thought you were going to tell me something was wrong. SCOOTER: I was... KERMIT: But you've just assured me that everything's all set. So, what could possibly go wrong. I must tell you, I feel much more at... SCOOTER: WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! KERMIT: [Looking sheepish.] Go ahead. SCOOTER: [Breathing heavily.] I just went up to Mr. Adams room...and... he...wasn't..there. KERMIT: WHAT?! SCOOTER: I said, Mr. Adams is not in his room. KERMIT: But, he's the centerpiece of the sketch. Without him, we're doomed. SCOOTER: I know. KERMIT: WHERE IS HE? SCOOTER: If I knew that, we wouldn't have a problem. KERMIT: Put everyone on alert. We have only eight minutes to find him and I want all 300 members of the cast and crew looking for him. [Kermit rushes off to the right.] SCOOTER: [looks at the camera.] Where am I going to find three hundred lerts on this short notice. [Scene change. Exterior Shot. Street corner somewhere in the city. Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Hymie are meeting under a street light.] MAX: Ok, 99, you head up this street. Hymie, you search down there. I'll take this street. 99: But, Max, why are we here? MAX: The latest information Control has available says that the man, um, person, uh, thing that the scientists identified as Deep Voice was last seen in this area. 99: Where'd you get this information? [Max stoops and takes off his shoe. he cracks the heel open to reveal a panel of buttons. he presses one and a sheet of paper shoots out one side.] MAX: Shoe fax. [He slips the shoe back on.] Now, let's get going. [They all head off in different directions.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Backstage at the Muppet Theater. The room is in chaos. Chickens, gophers, frogs, bears, pigs, dogs, eagles, and weirdos race about in a state of panic.] KERMIT: Scooter! [Scooter zooms up.] SCOOTER: Yes, boss? KERMIT: We've got two minutes left. Any sign of him? SCOOTER: Sorry, boss, nothing yet. We'll keep looking. KERMIT: Aaaaaaaauuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh!!!!! [Suddenly, the door bell rings.] Now what?! [Kermit goes to the door and opens it. Maxwell Smart walks in to a barrage of canned applause.] MAX: Excuse me, I was wondering.... KERMIT: There you are. Get in here. [He hustles Smart in and closes the door behind him.] Scooter, take this man to his dressing room and get him ready. We have...[consults his watch.]... ONE MINUTE! Aaauuuggh! [Fade to black.] TO BE CONTINUED.... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions prophetically presents "Pastrami" A parody of ST:DS9's "Destiny" Sisko: Commander's Log, stardate 48XXXX.X. Some Cardassians are coming onto the station to provide a premise for this episode. Odo: I set CardassiaTerm with the number to Bob's Blah Boring BBS. They'll feel right at home. Quark: Go away Morn! This kanar is for the Cardassians! Sisko: You're giving the Cardassians kanar? Quark: I stocked up on it during the occupation. Now I'll sell it for a ludicrously high price and make a mint! Ah ha ha ha ha! Odo: Quark, anyone with access to a replicator can make kanar for free! Quark: What? Oh no! Announcer: That's our Quark! Looks like the lovable loser has done it again! Ha Ha! Kira: A Wannabe Kai Nasal to see you sir. Sisko: Will the stupid religious episodes never end? All right, show him in. Nasal: I have come to you with a warning! Sisko: I thought you were from the deli. Nasal: Oh yeah, that too. Here's your pastrami. Sisko: Hey Kira, want the pickles? Kira: Yuck! Sisko: So what's the warning? Nasal: If you let those Cardassians on board the station you'll bring destruction upon us all! Sisko: You said that about Garak. Nasal: But still! Announcer: Deep Throat Nine is brought to you by Nylonol Minimum Strength, for when you're not really sick but you're in no hurry to get better. Sisko: What's this about destruction being brought upon us all? Nasal: It's part of a prophecy, Trakorf's third. He said "And behold, when Commander Sisko lets some Cadassians onto Deep Throat Nine to mess around with communicating through the wormhole, it will come to pass that great destruction will ensue and the rather stupid metaphor of three vipers will dominate the plotline." Sisko: But that prophecy can be interpreted numberous ways. My favorite theory is that it means, "Don't step on your goldfish or it'll die." Nasal: This is serious stuff buddy! If you go through with the communications relay, the wormhole will collapse and Bajor will be cut off from the prophets forever! Sisko: That wouldn't be a bad idea, come to think of it. Nasal: You cannot understand these things! You are not Bajoran! Kira: I am. Nasal: Shut up! Don't you know Trakorf's second prophecy, "And behold, Kira is a dork!" Kira: That's it! Odo: Here they come. Gilora: I'm Ulani-- oh damn! Screwed it up. I'm Gilora. Ulani: I'm Ulani. We're not diplomats you see, we're not very good at thinking of things to say. Sisko: I'm Sisko. Ulani: Such confidence! Nasal: They're vipers! Don't listen to them! Ulani: What was that all about? Sisko: Some deli delivery boy thinks he's a Wannabe Kai. Gilora: We like deli food. Kosher pickles are good. Sisko: Ulch! Ulani: We also like peas. Kira: I'll work with anyone who's interested in peas. Ulani: And it's all sent through the wormhole. Sisko: But what function does it serve? Ulani: It allows communication across the galaxy, it provides for further plot gimmicks, and it makes microwave popcorn quickly and easily. Sisko: Fine. Now let's all get a good night's sleep. Ulani: Oh, by the way, another colleague of ours will be arriving tomorrow. Her name is Dijon. Sisko: Fine, fine. Ulani: And she's a viper, so she'll need a terrarium. Nasal: I heard that! Nasal: Ow! Ulani: Actually she's not, I just wanted that guy to come in so I could kick him. O'Brien: How brutal. <> Odo: My sources confirm what we knew all along; Wannabe Kai Nasal is a wacko. He's not even a Wannabe Kai anymore. Sisko: Why not? Odo: He was defrocked-- Sisko: Can you say that on television? Odo: Let me finish! He was defrocked for telling kids that George Bush's tenth and a half prophecy meant "Your parents are putting poison in your macaroni and cheese." Sisko: What about Morn? Bashir: He came in with food poisoning. A bad pastrami sandwich, apparently. Kira: A bad running joke, more like it. Kira: Get out you wannabe Wannabe Kai! Nasal: Dax: The prophecy and pastrami jokes are hopefully only for this parody, but there you are. Oh, here comes Quark. Quark: Bet you weren't expecting me. Here, I brought some Cardassian food for you to chew on. Gilora: Cardassian food makes me vomit. Quark: Fine, I'll eat it myself! Dax: Quark, get out of shot! Quark: No. Dax: Then we'll have no choice but to cut to the scene on the Certs. Kira: All ready to enter the Spamma quadrant sir. Sisko: Go for it. Dax: Quark wants in. Sisko: Forget him, let's go! Ulani: Look at the colors... Kira: No sign of Cro-Magnon activity. Sisko: What did you expect? They're not in this parody! Kira: Just checking, Leonard might decide to spring a surprise on us. Dax: Wait, something weird is coming in on sensors. Sisko: Cutaway shot. Dax: It appears to be the comet from our intro. Sisko: That was an asteroid! Dax: Comet! Sisko: Asteroid! Dax: Comet! Sisko: Asteroid! <> Dax: Comet! Sisko: Asteroid! Dax: Comet! Sisko: Asteroid! Gilora: Stop arguing you guys, it can be both a comet AND an asteroid! Sisko: No it can't! Gilora: Yes it can! Sisko: No it can't! Kira: C'mon, we've got to deal with the Sword of Stars! Sisko: Major, cut the prophecy crap. Kira: What prophecy crap? I just made that up! I thought it would make a nice metaphor! But speaking of prophecies-- Sisko: No, I don't care. Kira: But! The wormhole creatures' lack of linear time! The possibility of their communication with the prophet guy! Sisko: I'm not listening! Kira: You're no fun! Caption: BUT BELOW DECKS... O'Brien: Hit the button marked "Launch Satellite." Ulani: You're stupid! O'Brien: What, you got a better idea? Ulani: No, but you're stupid anyway! Men can't understand science! It says so in Marcel Proust's 950th prophecy! O'Brien: Don't you start. Ulani: Now hit the Launch Satellite button or I'll bash your head in! O'Brien: Gilora: Oh, and tell O'Brien not to hit the Launch Satellite button or the wormhole will open, I still haven't hooked everything up yet. Kira: The wormhole just opened! Gilora: Great, now the asteroid is gonna change course and go into the wormhole! Dax: It's a comet! Sisko: I doesn't matter! We've got to destroy that asteroid! Dax: Comet! Kira: Why? Sisko: Just to screw up your stupid prophecy! Kira: Those prophecies have helped me a lot in the past! They've been a source of great spiritual guidance as I felt each of them being fulfilled in my life! Sisko: Most of them are so vague it's impossible for them not to be fulfilled! Like, look at this one. "And it will come to pass that Morn will drink beer." What the heck kind of prophecy is that? Gilora: The asteroid, people! Dax: COMET! Sisko: Oh, fine. Blow it up. Gilora: We can't, it'll shatter. Sisko: What's wrong with that? Gilora: Hm, nothing actually since there's none of that silithium stuff the real guys had to worry about. Dax: But if we use the Comet Destruct-O-Matic Ray the comet will be totally destroyed and we won't have to equate the comet fragments with the three vipers which I think is really dumb. Sisko: All right, tell O'Brien to get the Asteroid Destruct-O- Matic Ray online. Dax: The COMET Destruct-O-Matic Ray! Sisko: Fine, have it your way! O'Brien: No, hit the "POWER" button! Ulani: That's dumb! I'm pushing the "SCREW UP ALL SYSTEMS" button! O'Brien: You don't have to impress me you know! Ulani: Why should I try to impress you? I hate you! O'Brien: Just a thought. Caption: LATER THAT YEAR (BUT NOT MUCH) Sisko: Mr. O'Brien... fire! O'Brien: Won't do it sir, you'll have to court-martial me. Sisko: What? O'Brien: Oh, sorry. Firing Comet Destruct-O-Matic Ray. Sisko: Hmph. Sisko: What happened? O'Brien: That's strange, the comet should have been totally destroyed by the ray! Sisko: Unless it was an asteroid... O'Brien: Yes, in that case we should have used the Asteroid Destruct-O-Matic Ray. Sisko: Go check on it. Gilora, are the fragments still headed towards the wormhole? Gilora: Yup. Sisko: Darn that prophecy! O'Brien: Aha! I found the problem! Somebody secretly switched the Comet Destruct-O-Matic and the Comet Shatter-O-Matic! Ulani: The fiend! Who could it be? Dijon: It was I! All except Dijon: Ulani: You were sent to fulfil the prophecy! Dijon: Yeah RIGHT. I was sent by the Runforthe Border to screw up this mission so that there would be no more episodes about the Cardassians and the Federation working together! Sisko: But why? Dijon: The CSAG demands we hire more violent types. Dax (over communicator): You guys better come up here, we're getting a hail! Dax: It just dropped out of warp. Sisko: Is that a pastrami sandwich? Dax: Yessir. Sisko: What class is it? Dax: It's a sandwich! They don't have classes! Sisko: They have to! Dax: Fine, it's a Bumstead class. Sisko: Answer the hail. Sandwich: I am Captain Condiment of the Sandwichship Yummy! I hear you are doing a parody about sandwiches, do you need any assistance? Sisko: We were doing a very nice, slightly realistic parody until YOU came along! Condiment: Don't get PO'ed, we're outa here. Sisko: What a waste of time. Let's get back to DT9. Kira: You know, that prophecy actually came true. Sisko: Hm. Kira: Yeah! All of it! Except the part about death and destruction! Sisko: Well, yes, basically all we did besides blow up asteroids was talk about the three vipers metaphor. Kira: And Trakor saw it all. Sisko: While on opium. Kira: 3000 years ago. Sisko: Another show wrapped up in time. Kira: Yup. Nasal: I'm sorry I doubted you. But as Trakorf's forth prophecy says, "And if you believed any of my previous prophecies you need to get a life!" Kira: Get out of here you unentertaining person! Announcer: "The Big Book O' Prophecies" is now available through HP in accordance with Morn's twelfth prophecy. Old Bajoran Man (as he writes): And it.. will.. come to pass.. that it will say.. "THE END". Caption: THE END Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: A Ferengi without profit! Nog: Uncle Quark, can you extend my allowance? Announcer: A Ferengi with profit! Quark: No! Ha ha! I'm so stingy! Announcer: A weak plot held together by nothing but the comic relief provided by the Grand Nagus' Alzheimer's! Quark: You rewrote the the Rules of Acquisition? Nagus: I had to! The writers were running out of numbers to arbitrarily assign! Announcer: All on the next Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! ---Leonard Richardson leonard.richardson@the-edge.com =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Start of new serial YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, NOT: Writing the media WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A BORG JANEWAY MEETS THE BORG! TREK MEETS WINDOWS 95: Will Windows 95 Live Long and Prosper? 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