_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 48 Qudrat - Qawl 152 B.E. 4 Nov - 11 Dec 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: 2nd Annual Star Trek Weekend STAR TREK: THE VCR! STAR TREK: BORG O' RAMA THE OFFICIAL MORN FAQ RESISTANCE: A TNG Serial: Chapter 5: A Hasty Decision? Chapter 6: An Unexpected Visitor UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 18 (Sc.69-70) The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== I was honored recently by an invitation to be a facilitator at the Bosch Baha'i School 2nd Annual Star Trek Weekend. I accepted and facilitated to my heart's desire from October 27 to 29, 1995. Bosch, which is situated in the Santa Cruz mountains south of San Francisco, is a retreat run by the Baha'i Faith. In 1994, a group of Baha'i Trekkers decided that it was possible to learn about the Baha'i Faith and also indulge in their obsession with Star Trek at the same time. They successfully took over Bosch for one weekend to try out the formula and were successful. Bosch allowed them a second year. This year the event doubled it's numbers from the previous year and one third of the participants were non-Baha'is. My husband and I facilitated three sessions. We based our "class" on the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode titled "Destiny" (the fulfillment of a Bajoran prophecy despite of the actions and machinations of all the participants). We used the episode to highlight the effects that the teachings of the Baha'i Faith had on our world and how they may influence the future. The weekend also included presentations on the evolution of philosophy as compared to divine revelation (using the Baha'i Holy Scripture) and Star Trek (using the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Hollow Pursuits" [Barkley and his holodeck fantasies]); a wild and woolly Star Trek Trivia contest with fabulous prizes for all the participants (my son won a Star Trek playing card set; I won a Voyager calendar; and my husband won a - oops - Star Trek Pencil). The contest was done with the participants in groups each with high and low knowledge trekkers; this made it very competitive yet also fair. The food offered was literally out of this world with baked tribbles, gagh, Andorian sweet breads, and some red stuff in the morning which I never successfully identified (to mention a few of the delicacies offered). The participants all had a great time (many vowing to return next year) sharing both their curiosity and/or love of the Baha'i Faith and their addiction to Star Trek. The Baha'i Faith is one of the few world religions (if not the only one) in which it's Holy Scripture unequivocally states that there is life on other planets: "Know thou that every fixed star hath its own planets, and every planet its own creatures, whose number no man can compute." Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, page 163. Perhaps this allows Baha'is to embrace science and futurist fiction with more abandon than they would without exposure to the Baha'i writings. Also, fundamental bases of the Baha'i Faith are the unity of humankind (or perhaps, the unity of sentience?) and the eradication of prejudice. These themes are rampant through out the Star Trek universe. It is no surprise then that Baha'is are naturally attracted to such ideas, whether they appear within or without the world of Star Trek. Preparations for the 3rd Annual Star Trek Weekend have begun. It is hoped that the weekend will correspond with the release of the next Star Trek movie (the one with THE BORG!!!). The goal for next year is to have a guest or two who have worked or is currently working with Star Trek. I have been given the noble task of hunting down at least one. I am an optimist; however, please feel free to wish me luck in this task. I shall keep you all posted on this project. >>>TANGENT ALERT<<< RIF will start to be released every five weeks, corresponding to every other month of the Baha'i Calendar (19 months of 19 days with 4-5 intercalary days), with an extra one thrown in for the Baha'i New Year (month of Baha - March 21). ================== STAR TREK: THE VCR ================== STARDATE 12:00 12:00 12:00 CAPTAIN KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 7412.6... hello? The red light still isn't going on. Testing, 1-2-3-4. Chekov, it's not recording. CHEKOV: I know, Keptin. Perhaps a negative function with the clock-timer. UHURA: Captain, I'm getting indications of a Klingon presence. KIRK: Mr. Spock? SPOCK: I confirm at least six Imperial Klingon warships, Captain, and heading toward our position at Warp 7. KIRK: No, the Captain's log. Why won't it record? SPOCK: Might I suggest, Captain, that we first remove ourselves to a more secure sector and then address the matter of your log? That would be the...logical approach. KIRK: There's nothing logical about this instruction manual. Chekov? CHEKOV: Keptin? KIRK: Try this. "With the Rec-On day flashing, press the 5 key." CHEKOV: I did already, Keptin. Still negative function. SULU: Captain, I'm having difficulty holding course. KIRK: Shut down engines. Chekov, "Press the number for the day. For Sunday, press the 1 key, for Monday, the 2 key, and so on." CHEKOV: Affirmative, Keptin. Still negative function. Perhaps ve should go back to page 15, vere it said to press Rec-Off time and enter two digits for the hour. SPOCK: Captain, the Klingons are arming their photon torpedoes. KIRK: Engineering. SCOTTY: Aye, Captain? KIRK: Mr. Scott, we've got a malfunction in the log. We're going to need full deflector power while we get it fixed. SCOTTY: I canna guarantee it, Captain. The systems are overloaded as it is. CHEKOV: Keptin, the flashing 12:00 disappeared! KIRK: Good work, Chekov! CHEKOV: Den it came right back. KIRK: Darn it. Analysis, Mr. Spock. SPOCK: It would appear, Captain, that this instruction manual that you and Mr.Chekov have been attempting to decipher was written in Taiwan. KIRK: Taiwan? SPOCK: A small island in the Pacific Rim Sector, formerly inhabited by a determined people who believed that the adductor muscles in giant clams, Tridacna gigas, conferred sexual potency. In the later twentieth century, they became purveyors of early video equipment to what was then the United States. They were able to successfully emasculate the entire U.S. male population by means of impenetrable instruction manuals. It was this that eventually led to the Great Conflict. KIRK: But this is 7412.6. How did a Taiwanese instruction manual get aboard the Enterprise? SPOCK: It is possible that a Taiwanese computer virus was able to infiltrate Star Fleet Instruction Manual Command and subtly alter the books so that not even university-trained humans could understand them. KIRK: It's diabolical. SPOCK: On the contrary, it is perfectly logical. Their strategy was based on an ancient form of eastern persuasion known as water torture. (beat) In this case, instead of water a digital rendering of the hour of twelve o'clock is flashed repeatedly and will not disappear until the unit is correctly programmed. KIRK: And for that you need a manual you can understand. SPOCK: Precisely. Unless... KIRK: Spit it out, Spock. SPOCK: You have Star Log Plus. A small device that permitted the Americans to bypass the instruction manuals and program their units so that they would not end up with six hours of electronic snow instead of "Masterpiece Theater" or, more likely, "American Gladiators." KIRK: Could you make one these things, Spock? SPOCK: It would take more than the one minute and twenty seconds that we have until we are within range of Klingon weapons. DR. McCOY: Jim, you know I hate to agree with Spock, but he's right. We've got to get out of here. There are hundreds of people on this ship, young people, with homes and families and futures, and pets--little hamsters on treadmills, Jim. You can't sacrifice them just because you can't figure out how to program your darned log! KIRK: I know my responsibilities, Bones. Spock, would it be possible to beam the flashing 12:00 into the Klingons' control panel? SPOCK: Theoretically, yes. KIRK: Do it. UHURA: Captain, I'm picking up a Klingon transmission. KIRK: Put it on screen. KLINGONS: QI'yaH, majegh! KIRK: Translation, Spock. SPOCK: It appears to have worked, Captain. They are surrendering. KIRK: Take us home, Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov, try pressing the OTR button twice. ---Christopher Buckley ====================== STAR TREK: BORG O'RAMA ====================== In the farthest reaches of the Delta Quadrant there is a lone Federation Starship. Her Captain is really the wife of Peter Falk, better known to the world as Columbo, not Columbus. Anyway, Captain Kathryn Janeway has been lost in the Delta Quadrant for quite sometime. Five years to be exact . . . Let's see how they are doing . . . . (Starfield Comes up. Bring on the Voyager.) Kim: Paris I'm sure glad we will be getting home soon. Boy I can't wait to become a Lieutenant like the Captain promised. Paris: (Rolling his eyes because the truth is that they will not be getting home soon.) Unless someone like Q comes, I doubt your dream to get home will ever happen. (A bright light suddenly appears on the bridge. It is John de Lancie, better known to Trek fans as Q.) Q: You rang? Why are you two complaining? I've kept you safe for the past five years. I have not let the Borg tear this ship to pieces have I? Kim: So you're Q? I heard many upsetting things at the Academy. (Q starts to frown.) Q: What kind of things? Kim: Wait a second, you are not all knowing after all . . . Q: Excuse me? Kim: Well the book of CAPTAINS & COMMANDERS, simply say that you are menace to the galaxy. Paris: (Holding Kim back. Smiling as if Kim does not know what he is talking about. (Whispering to Kim) Harry . . . Stop it. You don't know what you are getting us into. Q: He knows exactly what he is doing. He just sentenced this crew to it's doom. (Snaps his fingers.) Adios Compadres . . . . (Vanishes as The Captain Enters the bridge with Chakotay.) Janeway: Can you believe that? Most of the crew actually think I am Mrs. Columbo. (Laughing.) Chakotay: Most of the crew think I am weird. They can respect Neelix and his customs but mine . . . (Tuvok enters the Bridge. The old battle music begins to play from the original Star Trek Series.) Janeway: Tuvok, are you okay? Tuvok: Yes I am . . . Janeway: Do you hear that? Tuvok: Yes Captain. Janeway: What is it? Tuvok: One moment . . . . (Begins to scan around the ship. His mouth drops wide open . . .) Janeway: Well? Tuvok: According to my sensors, we have found the NCC-1701 USS ENTERPRISE. Janeway: (Under her breath.) Kirk's Ship . . . Tuvok: We are being hailed . . . Janeway: Let's see them. (The Viewscreen flickers for a second. Janeway taps her badge.) Janeway: Torres did you not replace all the batteries on the ship with the Energizer we borrowed on the planet Energizer. Torres: Yes. (Kirk appears.) Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Identify yourselves . . . . (Janeway stands firm and responds.) Janeway: This is Detective Columbo . . . (Pauses for a moment everyone on her bridge stares at her. Tuvok goes over to Chakotay and receives ten bars of latinum.) Chakotay: May I remind the Captain of your real name? Janeway: Which one? Kate Mulgrew, Mrs. Conehead? Which one am I today? Kirk: Columbo . . . We have noticed that you appear to be stranded here like ourselves . . . Janeway: I'm sorry. My name is Captain Kathryn Janeway. I guess without any coffee for five years I have become forgetful. Kirk: Here aboard the Enterprise we can give you coffee. Spock: (Whispering.) Sir, I do not think that is a wise option. We do not know their true intentions. Kirk: Don't lecture me Spock . . . Spock: May I remind you that I could have been Captain of this ship before you. Kirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the whole story. However Spock, you are not the Captain and . . . (RED ALERT SIREN GOES OFF!) (A Borg Cube comes onto the screen.) Janeway: Oh, No . . . Chakotay: Not again . . . Kirk: It's impossible . . . Kim: It's the . . . Paris: BORG! ---Mitch Holzman ============================ OFFICIAL THE ^ MORN FAQ, VERSION 1.21 ============================ [Alright, so it isn't about the Borg, but it's Morn!!! --editor] Compiled by Leonard Richardson and Andy Schile (leonard.richardson@journey.mustang.com) (andy.schile@journey.mustang.com) Last update: 07/23/95 8:27:21.40 pm WHO IS MORN? Morn is a character in the TV series "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine." Originally intended as a background character and tribute to Norm from Cheers, Morn has become a worldwide phenomenon. Morn Fan Clubs exist on Prodigy, several nationwide BBS mail networks, and who knows where else. A Morn fanatic is called a Morn Fanatic. WHAT SORT OF GUY IS THIS MORN, ANYWAY? (Adapted from HP's ST:TNG 7th Season Parody Pack (tm)) Morn is a large, walrus-like, lumbering grayish green humanoid who never speaks and hangs around Quark's bar on DS9 drinking prodigious quantities of liquor. He also has the ability to seduce attractive alien women without saying a single word. Most famous line: " " WHO PLAYS MORN? Mark Allan Shepherd, almost totally unknown outside the world of Morn. There is a Mark Shepherd fan club but we forgot the address. IS MORN A LURIAN? Apparently, yes, although we have no idea where this sprung up. Clues? Okuda-spawned revisionist disinformation? Death threats? Send 'em in. IS THERE A GAME CALLED "MORN SPOTTING" THAT IS BUILT INTO EACH DEEP SPACE NINE EPISODE, AND IF SO, WHAT ARE THE RULES? Actually, yes. Each episode, the game is different. As Morn mania sweeps the world, we present the official rules for Morn Spotting! Feel free to make modifications to these rules to suit your tastes. Equipment needed: Episode(s) of DS9 Food and Drink (preferably something bad for you) Friends A Good Voice To play, watch DS9. Every time you see Morn, whether he be in the background or the center of the action, shout "MORN!" and give yourself a spot (subject to the below restrictions). If playing with friends, the first person to shout "MORN!" gets the spot, after which you should get into a big argument about who saw him first. You may shout "MORN!" as many times as you wish, even if he's not on the screen. However, there are restrictions on to whether it counts as a spot. If, for example, Odo and Quark are arguing, and Morn is visible behind Quark, and if it rapidly shows Quark's and Odo's faces as they argue, only the first sighting counts as a spot. If Morn is visible in the background walking around, it may or may not count as a spot (in one episode he can be seen on the Promenade three times in a scene, going the same way each time (?); this would probably count as three separate spots); you'll have to use your best judgement. If this sounds confusing, despair not. You can ditch the scoring if you don't like it. IF MORN SPEAKS If Morn speaks, run around like an idiot screaming. Eat, drink, and be merry. If you're really up to it, start an orgy in the TV room. Side note: The people whose responsibility it is to dub DS9 episodes into German for German TV got a little dialogue-happy and made Morn speak once. In "The Jem'Hadar" after Quark walks away from Morn near the beginning of the episode, Morn says "Well, forget it then," in German (If you know German please send us a translation). DOES MORN APPEAR IN THE VOYAGER PREMIERE? As a matter of fact, yes. Morn has a cameo in the Voyager premiere. He's kind of impossible to miss. This makes him one of three character to be in three Trek shows (Quark and Gul Evek are the others). WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT THE CULT OF MORN? Lots of Trek characters have fan clubs, but Morn has a cult. What do you have to do to join? Nothing really. There are no meetings you have to attend and it won't conflict with what you already believe. Just watch for Morn and have a good time. The unofficial headquarters for the Cult of Morn is Da Warren BBS at (805) 854-2478, and another good source for COM-related stuff is Resistance Is Futile! at (805) 588-9349, which is not affiliated with Da Warren and all that rot. DOE MORN LIVE OUTSIDE OF THE TV SHOW? Morn has a mention in DS9 novel #3, "The Big Game" (he cuts the cards for a poker game). He also has cameo in several of the comic books. There has been a HUGE (4-page) article about him in the DS9 magazine (Sorry, we're not very good at cataloging our sources. If you can provide us with any new sources or details on the comic books or the DS9 magazine or even on how to write less convoluted sentences, leave us an Internet message). There is an entire chapter dedicated to Morn in "The Making of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine." It talks about Mark Shepherd too but I'm not about to type it all up. WHAT DOES MORN'S ENTRY IN "THE STAR TREK ENCYCLOPEDIA" SAY? Morn. (Mark Shepherd) Large, lumbering humanoid who frequented Quark's bar at the Promenade on station Deep Space 9 ("Emissary" [DS9]). Morn once asked Jadzia Dax out for dinner. She declined, even though she thought he was kinda cute. ("Progress" [DS9]). Morn is an anagram for Norm, George Wendt's character in Cheers. The character had been regularly seen in the background at Quark's bar since "Emissary," the first episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, but was not referred to by name until "Progress". DOES MORN ACTION FIGURE? What? SORRY, DOES MORN HAVE AN ACTION FIGURE? Yes, Morn action figures are available from your local toy store for around $8. (UPDATE! Chris Roddy has spotted Morn at drugstores for the bargain price of $4! You'll want several Morn action figures at this price!) He comes with a cup he can't hold, a gun that resembles a Romulan Warbird, some latinum, and a four-sided die that's as big as his hand. Many games have been constructed using the Morn action figure; three follow: MORN POOL This requires a pool table. Set up for pool and put the Morn action figure on the side of the table. Play normal, two-player pool, with the following exceptions: 1. The 8-ball has no particular value. 2. Every time you make a shot, you must say "The power of Morn was with me," or something to that effect. If you miss a shot, you must either a) make up a ridiculous story as to what caused it (the gravitational disturbance from that potted fern over there, for example) or b) claim that it's all part of your eventual plot to win the game. The score is whatever you want it to be, after all the balls have been sunk (in the parlance, this is called "the end") you should get into a big argument over who won. The answer, of course, is obvious: Morn. 3. A shot that causes the cue or other ball to become airborne and land elsewhere on the table (or off it) is called a "Morn Slam Dunk." This may or may not be worth bonus points, depending on who did it and what it broke. MORN BOWLING If you've shot a few rounds of Morn Pool and you're ready for something else, try Morn Bowling. This also works good on a pool table with a cue ball but any table and any ball will do. Morn action figures whose joints are loose are more fun for this game. 1. Place the Morn action figure leaning against one of the pool table's edges. 2. Roll the cue ball at the figure so as to try to knock him off the table. Points are awarded on basis of "coolness." For example, a flip that takes Morn off the table is worth more points than a sample 360 kick-spin. Score should not be kept and no argument should be had after you decide to quit. 3. If you're a member of the Cult of Morn, should you feel guilty about knocking the object of your faith around with a cue ball? Heck no. Morn would want it that way. MORN BLACKJACK 1. Get out the Morn action figure, a deck of cards, and a deck of friends. Shuffle both decks profusely until the friend most suspicious of you is satisfied. NOTE: You will not need a full, 52-friend deck for this game. Actually, you don't even need cards, but it's much more fun if you have them... 2. Stand the Morn action figure up on the table. If you're on a train, boat, or airplane, the little plastic fold-down tray will suffice. 3. Deal 2 cards to each person. Play blackjack as normal, EXCEPT for the following: 4. When asking for a "hit", instead of saying "hit me", say "may the power of Morn endow me with a card". 5. When "standing", don't say anything. Just adjust the Morn action figure to a new pose. (hence, "stand" him up differently). 6. If you've "busted", get really mad and throw the deck of cards around the room. This is much more effective if on a train or small airplane. 7. Upon winning, take the Morn action figure and stand him on his head and make it appear that the action figure is cheering for the winner. It is a simple game, enjoy. IS MORN ON ANY TIES? Well by gum, he sure is. The ST:DS9 "alien" tie features Morn at the bottom right of a virtual smorgasbord of latex face masks. Or maybe it's the middle right. Or the inner lining. He's on the tie, we know that much. ARE THERE JOKES ABOUT MORN? Nope, no jokes about Morn. I'm kidding, of course. Sure, many jokes and taglines have been constructed about Morn. Here is a sampling: There once was a fellow named Morn Who never looked sad or forlorn "I'm the life of the party 'Cause I'm not a Cardie And certainly not a Bajor'n!" In stature he is Raymond Burr-ian Say others of him, "He's a Lurian." He was drinking booze Now he's singing the blues And that's why the Trekkies are scurryin'. ______ Morn smiley: =(_:_(__) If they did a show about Morn using a holosuite, would that be Mornography? Why the long face, Morn? Protect your space station with THE MORN. Morn of Borg: You get the picture. Have fun, and happy spotting! CONTRIBUTORS: Okay, we didn't think we'd ever get to the point where we'd have to mention contributors, and now that we have some, all we can remember are the ones listed below. So if you see something in this FAQ that you think we might have stolen from you, tell us so that we can put you on this list and you can gain the prestige you deserve. _Contributors_whose_names_we_remember:_ Chris Roddy, for the rules to Morn Blackjack (No Internet address). Kym Taborn, for being the sysop of RIF (k.taborn@genie.geis.com) _Contributors_whose_names_we_don't_remember:_ Whoever gave us the tip about Morn speaking in German. Anyone who provided us with a Morn joke, limerick, or tagline. Anyone else who we've forgotten. ============================ RESISTANCE: Chapters 5 and 6 ============================ Part 3 of 12 A Star Trek: Next Generation Serial Chapter Five: A Hasty Decision? Worf fired all phasers at the Borg ship, hoping they would be unprepared for an early attack. "The Borg ship shows is undamaged, Sir. They are locking a tractor beam on to us." Data announced. Once again, the Borg ship appeared on the main viewer. "We are Borg. You are technically inferior to our ship. Your resistance is futile. Surrender or we will destroy your ship." "Have you opened that channel, Mr. Worf?" "No, Sir. It has been activated automatically." "So the Borg are controlling the ship's computer?" "It seems so." "Have the computer access all information on paradoxons. Maybe we can make the Borg concentrate on something else." "Aye, Sir." Data requested all paradoxons from the ship's library, including the three-dimensional figure they had invented to destroy the Borg operating system when they first met an individual Borg. Shortly after, the tractor beam was released. "There seems to be no chance fighting them, but maybe we can trick them. Do you remember that information Starfleet send to all ships, concerning the wormhole at Bajor?" "Yes, but what has that to do with the current situation?" "The creators of the wormhole have granted us free use of their wormhole, but not the Borg. Maybe they can tell the Borg apart from us, and maybe they can solve this situation. "Like us, the Borg work in linear time. They will be confused by the inhabitants of the wormhole - if they come in contact. And if they do not, they would possibly find the Jem'Hadar. "A battle between the Borg and the Jem'Hadar could solve two of the Federation's problems at the same time. It's surely worth a try. Mr. Data, how long will it take us to Bajor at warp 9.9?" "We can be there in 9 days, 1 hour and 4 minutes." "Set a course for the Bajoran wormhole, maximum speed. Engage." "Wait, Captain. What if the Borg use the wormhole for their advantage? We don't know exactly where the Borg come from. Possibly, they are from the Gamma quadrant. If they are, showing them the wormhole would be showing them a short cut to Federation territory. We would be competely helpless, then." Ensign Seron objected. Chapter Six: An Unexpected Visitor The final shuttle had just landed on the class M planet. Dr. Crusher assembled the evacuated people and helped Counsellor Troi inform them of the information. Some of them were under shock, so there was plenty of work for her to do. Lieutenant Talas, a security officer who had been evacuated, proposed to find a place for the evacuated Federation people. "The Borg may come to the planet if they find out most parts of the ship have been evacuated. We should find a safer place than here." Dr. Crusher understood the security guard's concerns, and was glad about everyone who had something to do. People who have a job to do have less time to waste on disturbing others. "It's a good idea, Lieutenant. Take all qualified people who are not under shock. Split up in groups of five crew people to look for a good place for us. Report back here in an hour so we can discuss your findings." Dr. Crusher continued treating her patients - the ones that had been evacuated from sick bay as well as the ones who were just under shock because of the situation. Especially the children that were on board the Enterprise with their parents made some problems for her. Some of them were crying for their parents who had remained aboard the ship, while others were running around and playing. The exploration teams finished their discussions on the best area to start a search. Lieutenant Talas led a group of five security officers. They had been told to go to a mountain near the landing site to look for possible caves and sensor-blocking materials in the rocks. It would have been an easy duty under normal circumstances, but in the current situation, their only pieces of equipment were a standard issue survival pack and a phaser. Without the appropriate sensor devices to scan for safe places, that kind of duty is quite a hard job. The way to the mountain was quite uneventful, though somewhat funny. Talas had always liked to tease Vulcans about their pointed ears, which resembled donkey ears, in his opinion, and Ensign t'Pal being on his team was an ideal point of time for his little hobby. It was t'Pal who first discovered the entrance to a cave in the mountain. Her excellent Vulcan ears heard the dripping of water, and that led the team to the cave. They went into the cave to see how many crew members could hide in there, and to analyze the components of the rocks to see if they screened them from sensors. It was quite a large cave. Talas estimated that the entire crew of the Enterprise could hide in there. When all five officers were involved in analyzing the rocks, suddenly, they were disturbed by the sound of footsteps, emerging from right behind them. Talas turned around to see a Borg. TO BE CONTINUED... ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= [Scene 69. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Battlestar Galactica. Much of it still looks like an Italian Bistro. Many of the generic officers have nervous looks on their faces. From the sounds the engines are making, it seems clear that they are moving through space very, very fast.] STARBUCK: What's going on? SLARTIBARTFAST: I'm not quite sure. STARBUCK: What do you mean you're not sure!? GMO: Commander Adama, the Council of the twelve wishes to speak with you. ADAMA: Hang the council! Don't they realize we're having an emergency?! GMO: I believe that is why they are calling. GFO: Cylons approaching! ADAMA: What? How can that be? GFO: I don't know, they shouldn't be able to keep this speed. ADAMA: [Whirling on Slartibartfast.] This Bistromathic Field thing, how big is it? SLARTIBARTFAST: I don't know. I've never tried extending it beyond one ship before. ADAMA: Could it have enveloped the Cylon Basestar, as well as our fleet? SLARTIBARTFAST: Possibly. ADAMA: Red Alert! All hands to battle stations! Viper fighters to your ships. Blast shields up! SLARTIBARTFAST: Be careful not to leave the Bistromathic Field. APOLLO: Why? What would happen? SLARTIBARTFAST: You would immediately leave Bistrospace and enter real space. The forces would tear your tiny ship apart at the seams. Cosmic dust would pummel it at high velocity and your brain would melt like a cube of Quaalactin Megagin. From there, things would go downhill... STARBUCK: How do we know where the field ends? SLARTIBARTFAST: Hand me that roll. [Starbuck looks at him, confused.] Now! [Starbuck complies. Slartibartfast begins conducting a weird ritual, dunking the roll in wine, breaking it open, hollowing it out, etc... He ends by splashing the wine on the robowaiter and tossing the roll to Moffett. The waiter looks around hesitantly for a towel.] SLARTIBARTFAST: The perimeter of the field is now colored red. APOLLO: Right, let's go. [Apollo and Starbuck rush out.] [Scene 70. Interior Shot. The World Crime League's board room. Begin focused on the octopus design on the back of Deep Voice's chair (yes, I've never mentioned the symbol before, and yes, it does imply what you might think -- thanks to Loren for the input -- so if you're upset, deal.). As the conversation continues, view expands to show that Deep Voice is talking with someone on a viewscreen. It appears to be Davros.] DAVROS: We would find it easier to trust you, if you did not scramble the video output in your transmissions to us. VOICE: Davros, you don't seriously expect me to believe you'd trust me if I showed you my face? You don't trust anyone but yourself and those pepperpot creations of yours, and I'd lay odds that you don't even trust them. For right now, I require that my identity be unknown. DAVROS: What makes you think I'll go along with this plan of yours? VOICE: You already have. I've got the proof. Now, all you need to do is send a Dalek ship, with the structural modifications that I've discussed with you. DAVROS: OK, the ship is on the way, how soon can we invade in force. VOICE: I will send word. Good day. [He presses a button on the side of the chair and the screen goes blank. A beeping sound is heard, Voice presses another button, and Jabba the Hut appears on the screen. C3-PO stands beside him, ready to translate. Behind him, is a party.] VOICE: Ah, the irrepressible Jabba. What can I do for you? JABBA*: When will I get Solo and the Wookie? (* Author's Note: Again, all of Jabba's dialogue is translated from Hutese.) VOICE: Jabba, things are going according to plan, however, we cannot rush things. You must have patience. [This angers Jabba, he throws his arms wide and knocks C3-PO aside.] JABBA: Do not talk to me about patience. I've waited this long to recapture Solo, I can wait a little longer. Soon, though, I will send out my own operatives. VOICE: Fair enough. Out. [He blanks the screen.] [Fade to black.] TO BE CONTINUED.... =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== VOYAGER MEETS BORG PART 2 AT HOME WITH THE BORG ENCOUNTER AT NO POINT: FLAME WARS RESISTANCE: A TNG Serial: Chapter 7: An Old Enemy a New Friend? Chapter 8: Some Bad News UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 18 (Sc.71) ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== TRYING TO LOCATE A COPY OF RIF???? 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