990101nyt

How to Just Say Know: A Guide for Dummies

The New York Times
01-01-99
By page E44
Non-Xena photo

COMMENTARY
Xena pops up most surreally in a humor piece by a former writer for Saturday Night Live. It is really not associated with anyhting, except it is supposed to conjure up a vision of a fantasy babe for losers.

EXCERPTS

PRIMARY SOURCE

   I've never gone in much for the whole concept of adult education. I suppose
that a microscopic examination of my academic transcripts by an ill-wisher could
lead to the conclusion that I wasn't so keen on childhood or adolescent
education, either.

   Then, one day last week, after picking up some hats I'd brought in to be
blocked, I came across one of those course catalogues that are stacked on street
corners or strewn in Barnes & Noble doorways all over New York City. It was from
a place called the Knowledge Knook and its motto, "Turning 'No Ways' into 'Know
Ways' for literally dozens of months," kind of gave me a headache. But it also
intrigued me, and so, looking around to make sure no one was watching, I slipped
the pamphlet inside a copy of The New Yorker.  

    The inside front cover was taken up by a letter from the president and
founder, whose name I have decided not to use after a harrowing series of
communications with his lawyers. 

[snip]

   He went on to list some of the Knook's most recent additions to its academic
roster.

[snip]

Men! Find Your Ultimate Fantasy Date!
    Like most guys, you'd probably love to find your "fantasy" date and, like
most guys, you've probably cruised the bars, hung around the checkout counters,
read the personals, even asked your sister if she knows any "hotties." Sure, you
meet a few women -- maybe even friendly and attractive ones -- but they always
seem to come burdened with their own personalities, problems, opinions, needs
and emotions. The course facilitator, a renowned loner, will share his
million-dollar secrets that spell out in explicit detail exactly where to look
for your own fantasy date. You'll learn:
   *The top spots to find fantasy: swimsuit issues of sporting magazines,
promotional posters from alcoholic beverage manufacturers, "Xena: Warrior
Princess."
   *Supermodels versus centerfolds: Which is better?
   *Cindy Crawford + Yasmine Bleeth - hotshot boyfriends = perfect fantasy
woman?
   If you're ready to stop settling for human imperfection and start "living in
a fantasy world" then, brother, you can't afford to miss this course!
 
 
[snip]

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