SOUTH BEND TRIBUNE
By BILL MOOR
In a stream of conscousness listing of idle thoughts, columnist Bill Moor ponders: "Does anybody make Xena outfits for regular women?"
Idle thoughts while trying to figure out if the stuff in the dishwasher has been washed or not: After the Clintons decided to introduce him into the world of politics Tuesday night, how does this sound for later years: Ssssenator Ssssammy Ssssosa? If you didn't have any of those 1-cent stamps to go along with the now outdated 32-cent stamps, what do you think the post office would do if you just taped a penny to the envelope alongside a 32-center? With Michael Jordan retiring, won't the measure of the man now be on how he serves society with both the personal fortune and the world-reaching influence he garnered during his unparalleled basketball career? With Dennis Rodman somewhat retired, won't the measure of the man now be on how quietly he can disappear? Best commercials: Staples or Southwest Airlines? Did anyone else look at the last couple of inches of snow in the driveway early last week and choose to say, "To heck with it," instead of picking up the snow shovel one more time? Has anyone else found that they slug down more Tums the older they get? How many of you see "market price" on a menu and automatically skip over that selection? Have 70 homers really sunk in yet? Does anybody make Xena outfits for regular women? When you read a really good novel, wouldn't you guess you race through the last 100 pages twice as fast as the first 100 pages? Who else thinks that the South Bend School Corp. ought to occasionally think about using a two-hour delay on inclement weather days? When somebody you usually trust puts curry in your food, shouldn't she at least give you fair warning? How do you tell a kid without laughing that the dinosaur he just identified really isn't a thesaurus? When the phone rings at 6 p.m., doesn't that usually mean that the long-distance service you aren't using is calling? Come on, do those account numbers for utilities, credit cards and other pay-by-mail services really have to be longer than a light year? Would it make you feel any better if I told you that there are only 71 more days until Opening Day? So when do those catchers and pitchers report? If Elizabeth Dole becomes president, would they call her husband Bob the First Fogey? (Hey, I like the guy.) Did you see where NBC is advertising a new show for February called "The '60s"? How come I have this feeling that a bunch of 30-something TV people are putting it together even though they were still in diapers during that era? Isn't it pretty neat that singer John Fogerty, formerly of Credence Clearwater Revival, is moving into the South Bend area? (I'm not telling where.) Lou Holtz: 16-hour days or 18-hour days? And since South Carolina was 1-10 last year, will his Gamecocks be 6-5 or 7-4 next fall? And from a friend, do Roman nurses refer to IV's as "4's"? Does anyone else look at it as a small victory in winter warfare when the official sunrise starts being before 8 a.m.? Who else likes having Doug Flutie around again? Any of you have a friend who likes a lot of snow just because he thinks it gives him an excuse to climb up on his roof and knock some of the drifts off? Do any of you also have a warped view of the state of Maine, mainly because of the settings of most of Stephen King's scary books? Do you ever outgrow your taste for Girl Scout cookies? (I think not.) When you let someone from a side street into the traffic flow and he or she doesn't at least acknowledge your act with a nod or wave, don't you wish there was some way you could yank them back to where they were? Is the Super Bowl this evening or next Sunday? [snip] E-mail Bill Moor at firstname.lastname@example.org or write him at the South Bend Tribune, 225 W. Colfax Ave., South Bend, IN 46626.
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