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“Template” Episode 15/115 [TEASER] Ja: [Whistles] H: “Hey, sh! You’ll scare the fishes, all right?” I: “Hey, uh-- what did you put for number 12?” Ja: “Pandora’s Box.” I: “Pandora’s Box?” Ja: “Yeah.” I: “What did _you_ put?” H: “Pandora’s Box-- why? What’d you put?” I: “Uh-- I just put-- ” [Coughs] H: “What was that? What’d you put?” Ja: “What did you say?” I: “I said I put, ‘False’?” H [Laughs]: “It wasn’t a ‘True or False’ question.” I: “Oh, come on. The instructions were confusing.” H: “Oh.” Ja: “You gotta crack a scroll every now and then if you wanna graduate, my friend.” I: “Oh, thank you Jason, Mr. ‘God of Homework’.” H: “Listen-- next time, we’ll study together, all right?” Ja: “Hmmmmm.” I: “Whatever.” Ares: “I’m afraid there’s not gonna be a next time for you, little brother.” I: “Ares.” Ares: “Guys-- can we have a little privacy?” H: “You leave them out of this!” Ares: “What makes you think you can come-- defile _my_ temple-- and get away with it?! My priest _saw_ you!” H: “Whoa-- uh-- what?” Ares: “Wha-wha-what?! You _know_ what I’m talkin’ about!” [Fight] H: “No-- actually-- I _don’t_ know what you’re talkin’ about. Oh-- oh-- what you gonna do now?!” Ares: [Laughs] H [Laughs]: “It was, uh-- whoa! Yah!” [Coughs] I: “Hercules!” Ja: “Let’s get him!” Ares: “Now, I guess we find out if blood really is thicker than water.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT I] Ares: “I letcha live too long. You’ve gotten cocky.” H: “Wow, you need help! Why can’t you just leave me alone?!” Ares: “I don’t like you.” H: [Yells] Ares: Hey-- ” H: “Listen-- I’ve never even _been_ to your temple, all right?” Ares: “Liar! Ow! Ow! [Laughs] Whoo! Whoo-hoo! You know?! I never really _cared_ for large families! Good night, Johnboy!” H: [Yells] Ares: “You’re too slow, little brother! You really are at that awkward age-- and I’m afraid you’re _never_ gonna grow out of it!” [Laughs] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ja: “The boat!” H: “Hercules? Wait, wait, wait! I can’t swim!” Ja: “What?!” I: “Remember last time you threw me in?! I ca-I can’t swim!” Ja: “All right-- just be ready to help when I pull him out. Hercules!” I: “Come on, Jason.” Ja: “I can’t see him! It’s too deep! I: “Keep looking for him, Jason!” Ja: “Hercules! Hercules!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ H: “Huh? Huh? Wha? Huh? Am I dead? No. OK. Olympus-- how’d I get here? Apollo. Athena? Hephaestus? Hey. ” Hephaestus [Heph] [Laughs]: “Yo, Bro!” [Laughs] Ares: “Brothers-- Sister-- to what do I owe the honor-- of being invited here, today?” Athena [Ath]: “You stand accused of the attempted murder-- in full defiance of Zeus’ protective order-- of your brother-- Hercules.” Ares: “_Half_-brother-- if you don’t mind.” Apollo: “Whatever-- the point is, you tried to kill him.” Ares: “If I _tried_ to kill him-- he’d be dead right now.” Ath: “I suggest you take these charges a little more seriously. If this tribunal finds you guilty-- you’ll spend an eternity of unimaginable torment-- ” H [Whispers]: “Stop it!” Ath: “-- in the fiery depths of Tartarus-- that is reserved for fallen gods.” H [Laughs]: “Well.” Ares: “Sister, I’m sure you would love _any_ excuse to put me away for an eternity. But don’t you think Zeus has gone a bit far this time, protecting his little boy? I mean, prosecuting the god of war for attacking somebody-- it’s what I do.” Apollo: “Oh, so let me get this straight. When you maim, kill, and pillage-- on, it’s strictly business, right?” Ares: “I love my job. So, sue me.” Ath: “I grant you your role in the universe, Ares-- but even you can go too far-- and this time-- you did.” Ares: “Excuse me-- did I miss something here? Or have we forgotten some-- tiny detail like-- oh, I don’t know-- a trial?” Ath: [Clears throat] Heph: “Oh-- right, yeah-- sorry. [Clears throat] Um-- uh-- right. Uh-- ‘As an O-- ’ what’s that? Oh, ‘Olympian god-- you will receive a fair herring [sic], and-- in accordance with the law, you are allowed to choose your own-- d-- ’ whats-- ? Oh, ‘-- defender.’” [Laughs] Ath: “Counsel for the defense-- please rise. I said, ‘Rise!’” H: “Me?” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I: “Cowards! Come on and fight me! You call yourself gods! You sneak up-- and attack people without warning! You’re not gods! You’re just a bunch of stinkin’ cowards!” Ja: “Iolaus.” I: “Leave me alone, Jas.” Ja: “Hey, it’s not your fault. It’s not our fault. Ares-- is a god. There’s nothin’ we coulda done.” I: “All I know is my friend needed me-- and I was no help. And now he’s gone.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Apollo: “Hello-- we’re waiting.” Ares: “May I have a word with my counsel?” Ath: “Please do.” H: “Hi. Hi. Huh? Huh?” Ares: “You’re not starting off too well, little brother.” H: “Let me get this straight, OK? You chose me to represent you on charges ’a you-- tryin’ to kill me.” Ares: “The irony of it appealed to me. Besides, you’re such a goody-good-- I know you’re gonna do your best.” H: “I got a question. Am I allowed to refuse to serve as Ares’s defender?” Heph: “Oh, uh-- right, uh [Clears throat]-- OK, uh-- ah-- ‘If-- s-- s-- s-- ’ oh, ‘-- selected-- as a defender by an accused god in a godly tri-- tri-- ’ oh, ‘-- tribunal-- ’ uh, ‘-- the chosen one must serve or else share the sentence, if the accused is found g-- g-- gwilty [sic].’” H [Sighs]: “Well-- I accept, then.” Apollo: “Good choice.” H: “This is ridiculous-- OK? I-- I know you’re guilty. I was there.” Ares: “Well, I wasn’t.” H: “What are you talkin’ about?” Ares: “I didn’t-- I did not try to kill you, OK? I mean, I’d love to, right here, right now-- but I’m no fool. You’re under Zeus’s protection-- and I do not intend to spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus, being gnawed on by some idiotic monster. You got that, Mister?” H: “I got it.” Ath: “Counsel for the defense-- how do you plead?” H: “Not guilty.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ [ACT II] H: “Uh-- so-- y-you weren’t there. OK, but-- you’re gonna need an alibi, and you’re gonna need a witness to back it up.” Ares: “Strife and Discord-- I was with them, today. It’s perfect.” H: “Ooh, I-I-- I don’t know. A-are you sure you can trust ‘em?” Ares: “It’s not a matter of trust-- they’re scared of me.” H: “Uh-- ” Ares: “Just do it-- Counselor.” H: “OK. I call Discord.” Dis: “Hmm.” Strife: “Meow.” H: “Hi. [Chuckles] Oh, um-- where were you on the day in question?” Dis: “You mean, today.” H: “Yes, today.” Dis: “I was with Ares-- at his place.” H: “Oh-- all day?” Dis: “Pretty much.” H: “OK. And, uh-uh, at any point in your day, did you hear Ares, you know, sort of talk about-- trying to-- kill me?” Dis: “Sure-- he talks about it constantly. It’s his favorite topic. Well, you _know_ it’s true!” Ares: “Eh.” H: “Oh-- so, what you’re tryin’ to say is that it’s-it’s not unusual to, um-- to, uh-- hear Ares-- talk about-- tryin’ to kill me?” Dis: “Not at all-- of course-- today _was_ a little different.” H: “Really. Wh-why is that?” Dis: “Because today-- he actually _did_ try to kill you.” Ares: “She’s lying!” Ath: “Ares-- calm down!” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cheiron: “Iolaus-- where you going?” I: “I don’t know. I can’t stay here.” Cheiron: “Don’t you think Hercules would want you to stay?” I: “Every day would be a reminder I lost a friend.” Cheiron: “You know? It’s said-- that, uh-- a friend is never really lost-- if you remain true to the dreams you shared.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ath: “Quiet in the court!” H: “Let me get this straight-- you’re saying that, um-- you were actually a witness to Ares trying to kill me.” Dis: “Yes-- I was.” H: “How come I didn’t see you there?” Dis: “Well, I wasn’t _there_ there-- but I was watching, you know? The way _real_ gods can do?” H: “Well, uh-- would you do me a favor? Just explain how Ares tried to kill me. You know? I mean-- what’d he do? Come on.” Dis: “Well first, he hit you. Then he smashed up your little boat-- did a real number on your friends. And you put up a pretty good fight.” H: “You know, uh? You two really shoulda got your stories straight. That’s all I’m saying.” Ares: “Shh. She’s lying-- don’t listen to her.” Dis: “Hmmmm.” H: “Just one more question-- so-- if Ares is found guilty and he’s sent to Tartarus, then-- who do you work for? Who? Um-- Strife?” Dis: “Excuse me?” H: “Well-- I mean-- that’s the way it works, isn’t it? I mean, Strife’s the next in line. I mean, Ares goes out and, Strife comes in, and he’s the god of war, right?” Dis: “That little twerp?! God of war?!” H: “Oh-- well, uh-- I mean-- who else would it be? I-it’s-- Ooh!” Dis: “We’re not talking god here, pal. We’re talking _goddess_. Got it?!” H: “Yeah-- no further questions. Chk-chk.” Dis: “Hmm.” Ares: “Riiiiiight-- so, you think-- ” H: “Hey, sh. I’m thinkin’ here, all right?” H’s Voice: “All right. The defense calls Strife.” Ares: “Don’t betray me.” H: “Strife-- ” Strife: “That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” [Laughs] H: “Were you with Ares, today?” Strife: “Yep!” H: “Did you witness the attack on me?” Heph: “Cuckoo.” Strife: “You could put it that way. Hmm. Ooh, Athena.” H: “Was it Ares who attacked me?” Strife: “Well, it sure looked like him.” Ares: “You backstabbing, sniveling worm!” Ath: “Ares-- calm down! I’ll _not_ warn you again!” H: “Let me ask you a question. Um-- was there sum’in’-- different about Ares today? You know, I mean-- the way he attacked me?” Strife: “Different? Well, what do you mean?” H: “I don know. Like he wasn’t himself. You know, he kind of had like, a-- slow reaction time? He was a little clumsy? A little confused? A little-- weak? Did you get that impression?” Strife: “Nah-- he looked good to me. [Laughs] He’s the champ.” H: “I don’t know. I got the drop on him like two or three times. There was this one time-- I really flattened him. I swear-- I saw him cry. [Gods laugh] Come on, Strife. You wanna know what I think? I’m not convinced that Ares even shattered that boat-- hmm? I think that the wood was rotten-- the big old crybaby just walked in there, tripped over his own feet, and I think-- !” Strife: “No way! I laid you out! I brought you down! And I-- ! Don’t look at me! [Crying] Sh-she made me do it!” H: “I rest my case.” Heph: “Do you want me to, uh-- forge some more chains?” Ath: “Two sets.” Heph: “OK.” Strife [Crying]: “I’m sorry.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ath: “Ares-- it is the decision of this tribunal-- that all charges against you be dropped.” Ares: “Yes!” Ath: “Strife and Discord-- for conspiring to murder a protected mortal-- and for impersonating a god-- we sentence you to eternity in the depths of Tartarus.” Strife: “Oh, Man” Ares: “May I-- ask a favor of the court?” Ath: “Hmm?” Ares: “Turn ‘em over to me.” Dis: “That’s OK-- really.” Strife: “Tartarus is, uh-- fine.” Ath: “Very well. Court is now adjourned.” Apollo: “Bye-bye, guys. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- let’s go catch some rays.” Ares: “Ha-ha! You realize, this changes nothing-- between us.” H: “Yeah? You’re welcome.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ja: “I hear you’re staying with us.” I: “Yeah-- I just think it’s what Hercules would have wanted, you know?” Ja: “Could be. Why don’t you ask him, yourself?” I: “Hercules? Herc?! Uh-- ” H: “Uh-- hey. Well-- I guess I was gone longer than I thought, huh?” I: “Where have you been?” H: “Oh, well-- kind of hard to explain, really.” I: “Oh. OK. Well-- just don’t go vanishing on us again, OK?” H: “Yeah, all right-- I’ll try not to.” Ja: “Welcome back, Hercules.” H: “Thanks, Jason. Yeah.” I: “Uh-- ” H: “Yeah.” I: “Um--” H: “Uh-- all right. You weren’t-- worried-- about me, right?” I: “I knew you were comin’ back.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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