Whoosh! I re-wrote the script to actually have Lena in the episode -- get it to the director fast!
None of this really happened in the episode
but we miss Lena soooo much

Lena Kundera

February 19, 2004

Made up episode
(Lots of Lena mentions)
Last update: 02/19/04

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An All Lena Episode, without Lena
Dedicated to Barb,
so that she might be amused

Tired of no Lena? Well, this is what the characters were really thinking on today's episode....

Ryan was growing tired of being Aidan's mirror image all the time

Hey, any one see Lena? I'm saving a seat for her.

Don't move...I think there's a manniquin behind us.

I'm worried, Palmer. Lena's missing again. She says she's in traffic all the time...but I wonder.

I wonder if Jonie's stuck in traffic too?

Yeah, Lena's on her way. She told me. Yeah... she told ME that.

I am too gonna marry Erica!!!

You better not be making that up, young man. The last time you said Lena was on
her way, everyone's spirits were devastated when she popped up two weeks later! You cannot
play with people like that, Reggie. No matter how much you think you are helping.

Do you have any spare venomous snakes? We could use one right about now...

I thought you said Lena would be in the gallery.

I just don't understand how anyone could think little ol' me was a murderer

Well, she said she was going to do all she could to support me.

What do you mean Carlos is coming back as my romantic partner

Is it my fault that she thinks support means showing up every other week?

I have no idea why I am here

Hey guys, I heard Lena might visit us today. Let's go with Polish cuisine, okay? Where are those polka records?

No, no...anyone but Carlos.

I mean, I can't be responsible for Lena's comings and goings too...can I?

Wait...maybe Carlos isn't so bad. Call my agent...

Did you scare off Lena again? I was keeping her seat warm.

Well don't blame me for the writers forgetting that you existed for half a year

Boyd, you actually kissed Lena. What was it like?

I should have tried out for Mutant-X

Well, it was kinda Polish if you know what I mean.

Oh, Kendall...what fools us mortals be.

You do know what I mean, Kendall? Right?

And um, remember the Maine!

I mean, she actually kissed me. Me! D*****!

Did you know the hills are alive...with the sound of music?

But you already knew that. Hey, don't tell me you have kissed her too.

I think I better get my money back from that improv class I took last week...

Good god, Kendall! She's your sister's kinda girlfriend.

Mia, I thought you knew. I am only attracted to women with Kane genes or had the maiden name of Santos. Sorry.

Hey, did you hear about Kendall and Lena?

What the h*** are we doing in this episode, Jackson.

No one else gets caught in traffic for two weeks, Jackson. NO...ONE!

My problem? I am still pining for Erica...and yours?

Now control yourself Opal, I am sure that Lena will be here in no time,
sitting in the gallery reacting to everything everyone else is doing and saying.

I am running out of men. What's your dance card look like?

Hey did you hear about Kendall and Lena?

I think I'm...constipated.

Oh my god. And I was about to tell Lena that I am a lesbian indentified male.

Can you hurry up this murder trial, Kendall? There are people watching this with LIVES!

Uh, Kendall, this thing between you and Lena...does Bianca know?

I guess I should have been nicer to those KAne women

Lena. It was Lena all along. How could I have missed it?

Kendall mentally calculating which men are left in town for her to reel in

For christsakes people, it was just a kiss.

Maybe if they have a murder every few months I can stay at this job.

Oh why can't I get a client like Lena?

Oh, did I tell you about the day I met your mother at the Cabana house about 16 years ago?

Well, Reggie. Lena's still not here. How do you feel now, getting up everyone's spirits just to have them dashed?

So Kendall will be my step-sister, Bianca will be my step-sister and first cousin, and Greenlee will be mud.

Geez, get off my back. I was just trying to help her. How could I know she thinks supporting Kendall means showing up every other week?

The things i have to do for a cheque around here...

Yes...a kiss...


Hmm, Kendall's getting that far away look again. She must be thinking about that conversation we had about Lena over Michael's dead body.


It's like she's my sister's kinda girlfriend but she's so darn hot. What am I supposed to do, Reggie?


I remember thinking they had better not watch The L Word together


And then I said to Lena, "Let's watch The L Word together..."


Ms. Hart, does that mean that either you or Ms. Kundera subscribe to Showtime?


Objection sustained. Jury please disregard the last statement that Ms. Hart downloads The L Word from the internet.


Yes, I kissed her, even though she was my sister's kinda girlfriend and I was engaged to a man. I could not help myself. The L Word was so compelling.


So what, I kissed her too. But I downloaded Queer As Folk instead.


Darn! I should have kissed Aidan. I am such a doofus.


Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.


I wonder where Aidan is sitting...


...there he is. Drat! He's with Mia. Maybe I can find my Queer as Folk VCD...


Yes, Lena is also known as the Hot Polish Fox. And I can vouch for that!


I carry Kane genes. I just have to try to sleep with everyone. I can't help it.


Um, but do you know where Lena is now?


Ah, here it is...it was in my backpack all this time.


So, tell the jury in slow excruciating detail what it was like kissing your sister's kinda girlfriend?


Excuse me, but am I on trial for murder or for making out with Lena?


Ryan, just pretend I am Lena, okay?


It'll be hard. You don't look a thing like Lena


Okay, then you can pretend to be Lena


For some reason I have never been attracted to Lena


This guy is obviously lying.


Sure, Mr. Hayward. And how long have you not been attracted to Lena?


Um, er, a long time. Yes. A looooong time.


This man is lying. Everyone is attracted to Lena.


I even placed myself on the Lena waiting list. What a woman!


Hmmm, maybe I should have gotten on that list. I wonder if it's too late?


Hahahaha! That fool Adam. He thinks he's on the list. I sure took care of that. He doesn't have a chance with Lena.


Yes, Palmer thought he had taken me off the list, but I started a new one!


And how can someone, say, like me, get on this list?


It's on the internet...http://www.DateLenaNow.com.


Where's the Lena list, Adam. If you don't show it to me, I will shoot you.


Jackson, you mean they've kissed Lena too?


Yes, Lena was very busy last year.


I guess we better forget about this murder trial and figure out a way to get accelerated on the Lena list


Well, Reggie, the competition is about to become more fierce.


Well, at least Lena's chair will be warm when she gets here


That Lena list must be destroyed

To be continued? Goodness, I hope not!

Grateful thanks to the Sosnovska Network and CrazyCanuck for the screen caps

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