PROMO
TRANSCRIPTION
(Aphrodite holds a huge diamond.)
HOW COULD SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL
Gabrielle: If it's perfection I should possess
it.
CAUSE SO MUCH TROUBLE?
(Joxer, with leaves on his head and wearing a
toga, falls from a tree and grabs Gabrielle.)
Gabrielle: Joxer, are you mad?
Joxer: (Grunt) MMM!
(Joxer swings off through the trees, clutching
Gabrielle.)
Xena: Monkey man you bring her back!
Gabrielle: Xena!!!!!!
(Xena swings on a vine.)
BATTLE ON XENA!
TV GUIDE PROMO
Aphrodite steals the "mystic diamond" that keeps
the North Star lit, then casts spells on Xena,
Gabrielle and Joxer to keep them from retrieving it.
Aphrodite's spell makes Joxer an ape man,
makes
Gabrielle vain, and preoccupies Xena with fishing.
Aphrodite casts a spell on Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer to bring out their innermost desires and hinder their attempts to recover the Mystic Diamond
AIRING AND RATING
INFORMATION
1st RELEASE: 04-13-98
An AA average of 5.3
Competition from Syndicated Action Dramas:
(1) X-FILES 7th at 6.0
(2) XENA 10th at 5.3
(3) STAR TREK DS9 12th at 4.8
(4) HERCULES 15th at 4.5
1st RELEASE: 08-24-98
An AA average of 4.0
Competition from Syndicated Action Dramas:
(1) X-FILES 13th with 4.9
(2) XENA 14th with 4.0
(3) WALKER TEXAS RANGER 17 with 3.8
(4) STAR TREK DS9 20th with 3.5
HERCULES not in the top 20.
SYNOPSIS:
This synopsis is by Bluesong.
This farce opens with
Aphrodite in one of her temples, checking out the gifts
left her by worshipers. A warlord who has stolen the
"mystic diamond" enters, and the Goddess of Love tells
him to take it to a priest, who will send it into the
heavens at the appropriate time so that Aphrodite's
place amongst the stars will be assured (or something
like that). Xena is after the warlord, though, because
the mystic diamond keeps the North Star shining, and
without the star all the travelers will be lost. Xena,
Gabrielle and Joxer enter the temple after the warlord
leaves, and they begin searching the temple for the
diamond. Aphrodite has created a perfume she calls
"Obsession" which makes a person desire whatever
they're looking at when she blows it in his or her
face. She puffs at Joxer, who is looking at a story
about an ape man, then at Gabrielle, who is glancing at
her reflection in the mirror, and then gives Xena a
double dose just as she picks up a fish left at the
altar as a sacrifice.
So Xena decides they should
go fishing. She takes them all to a beautiful lake
where she fished with Lyceus (her brother) as a young
girl. Gabrielle thinks the lake is almost as beautiful
as her own self. Joxer grunts a lot. Xena throws her
chakram into a canyon to cause an avalanche so that the
warlord will have to detour around the lake to get to
the priest. She then dives in the water and catches
fish with her hand, by punching them in the nose. She
tells Gabrielle to join her. "She wants me to fist a
fish?" the sidekick says in bewilderment. Gabrielle
looks at her reflection in the water, and, finding it
irresistible, decides to kiss it. She falls in and
nearly drowns, but Xena saves her.
Xena remembers that she and
her brother were constantly trying to catch a legendary
big fish in this pond. She rigs up a flying parchment
contraption to catch the fish, and uses some of
Gabrielle's overly-gorgeous hair as a fly on her hook.
Joxer then grabs Gabrielle and they swing through the
trees. Xena follows and rescues Gabrielle from Joxer.
The two women return to fishing with the kite. Xena
doesn't want to leave her chore, so she tells Gabrielle
that since she is so beautiful she should possess the
mystic diamond, which is the most beautiful rock on
earth. Gabrielle then goes to get the diamond and
beats up three men in the process; however, they chase
her. Xena continues to fish (whistling her theme song
as she works) and tells Joxer how to rescue Gabrielle.
Finally the men chase Gabrielle and Joxer to the shore,
and Xena beats them up. She loses the fish in the
process.
Xena then sets up a
contraption to send the diamond skyward, but it will
also be bait for the fish at the same time. When she
cuts the rope, the fish jumps from the water and goes
with the diamond up into the northern sky. Xena says
that she dedicates the fish and the diamond to Lyceus,
and when she has this "insight" that she felt she owed
her brother something, the obsession spell is broken.
She talks to Gabrielle, and Gabrielle has an "insight"
that she doesn't want to be just a non-recognized
sidekick. Her obsession is broken and Xena promises to
give her more credit. They make camp, and see that the
milky way around the North Star looks like a big fish.
Joxer remains a monkey man; Xena says she'll fix him in
the morning.
COMMENTARY:
This commentary is by Beth Gaynor.
Plot? What plot? FINS follows
what has
become a standard system for the XWP gallivants: a
two-minute exposition and
a two-minute resolution to provide the bookends for 40
minutes of gettin' goofy. I like
comedies when they have some story to go with them, but
I'm not complaining too
loudly as long as the goofiness gives me some laughs.
FINS, FEMMES, AND GEMS got
tiring sometimes (Joxer grunting gets old after 20
minutes), but it also made me laugh
out loud a few times, and that covers quite a few sins.
I officially take back every
wisecrack I ever
made about the number of Xena and Gabrielle nude shots
this season. I'll
never mouth off about them again (or I'll try real hard
not to, anyway). Now, please, put
the nekkid Joxer away!
Welcome to the XWP School of
Dance. We
have a new addition to the Amazonian Barddance and the
Warrior Princess Dance of
the Three Veils (even though you only get two): the
Aphrodite Boogie. Please bring your
own seashell headphones.
The XenaStaff just loves
using godly influence
to get Xena out of character. I got a kick out of
hearing Xena mutter "fer cryin' out loud."
The MAJOR pout and sulk from Xena when Gabrielle
refused her nail wig - I mean, hair
lock - was funny, but so wildly out of character that
it made me twitch, too.
Yet more proof that Xena got
around in her
warlord days: "That's not humanly possible." "Sure it
is," Xena replies with boredom after
barely a glance. Been there, done that, got the
T-shirt, Warrior Princess?
The flying parchment - and
its penchant for
tackling Gabrielle - returns from A DAY IN THE LIFE.
The repetitiveness is mollified by
Gab's adorable "Ow!" squeak - it's a wash.
Ahem. WHAT, pray tell, was
Gab doing with
that frilly little nightie number in the top of her
magic bag? That sure didn't look like
typical campsite fatigues.
Aphrodite is declared guilty
of underestimating
the Warrior Princess. Although Xena remained obsessed,
she had no qualms about
using Gab's and Joxer's obsessions to see to that pesky
diamond thing getting taken
care of. But hey, if 'Dite never bothered to check in
and make sure her plans were
working, she deserved to lose the game.
We're really flirting with
the "text" side of
"subtext." Xena's expression plummets from excitement
to crushing disappointment when
Gabrielle waxes rhapsodic about the one person for her
- herself. Gabrielle accuses
Xena of taking them to the lake so she wouldn't have
any competition. Xena proudly
notes that Gab's beautiful when she's angry. Subtlety
goes out the window all OVER the
place in these tweakfest episodes.
On the flip side of the coin,
Xena is perfectly
content when Atis the Apeman takes off with Gabrielle.
It's not until the flying parchment
crashes to earth that Xena gets peeved. "Monkey Man,
you bring my launching assistant
back!"
Young Xena wasn't a bad
likeness, and NICE
morph back to the adult. Small question, though: Xena's
pole had a bite - why did Lyceus
grab his pole, too?
Gabrielle's list of marital
and royal titles
continues to grow. She has now been drafted as the
bride of Morpheus, Queen of the
Amazons, Queen of a weird country that has really goofy
laws about pretty young blonde
brides, and bride of Atis the Ape King.
I hesitate to bring up such a
personal matter,
but it struck me as so strange that I must ask: Is Ted
just hairless, or did he shave his
armpits for this episode?
I know that weather is a
constant bugaboo for
outdoor filming, but this episode brought new meaning
to the words "variable
cloudiness." We bounced from blinding sun to murky gray
from shot to shot.
Some ruffians never learn.
"Don't make me kill
you." "You're new around here, right?" Just once, you'd
think one of these thugs would
be smart enough to take one look at the Warrior
Princess (or the damage she's doing to
his buds) and display a bit of brain by turning tail
and running.
CUT TO a small room dominated by a table buried in
scribble-covered paper. Two WRITERS sit at the
table,
holding their sides and laughing hysterically.
WRITER 1 (gasping): OK, OK, we've got Joxer eating
maggots and Gabrielle smearing bug blood on her
lips.
What else?
WRITER 2: Wait! I've got it! Here's one the net
fans
will capture for all eternity: Xena heads for the
lake
yelling "Come on, Gabrielle, let's get wet!"
Both WRITERS collapse across the table in fits of
hysterics. The door opens and the PRODUCER bursts
in.
PRODUCER: C'mon, folks, it's deadline time! Aren't
you
done yet? (He grabs a few sheafs of paper and
starts
reading.)
WRITER 1: (Grabbing at one of the pages) Wait! We
haven't
put in enough fish-punching jokes yet!
WRITER 2 is still incapacitated.
PRODUCER: (scanning) We're out of time! You guys
are
totally obsessed with these jokes! The episode's
almost
over and nobody's any closer to a cure OR the
diamond.
WRITER 2: (blinking) Oh. Well. Why don't we send a
fish
into orbit for Xena's brother and give Gabrielle
some
sidekick angst? That'll solve everything.
PRODUCER: It might work. But we haven't figured
out
what makes Joxer act like an ape.
WRITER 1: Huh. Well, we'll just put Xena and
Gabrielle
on a bedroll together like we did in A Day in the
Life
and everybody'll be too distracted to notice.
PRODUCER: You really think that'll work?
WHIMPERS,
MURMURS, AND A LOVE GONE TOO
FAR
10-09-01. Rob Tappert, executive porducer, quoted in Dan Scapperotti's "Producing Xena: Warrior Princess: Rob Tapert on Censorship, Lesbian Ambiguity & Violence" in Femme Fatales, October 22 2001, Volume 8, Number 6, Page 20: "Sometimes you try things that don't exactly work. Some of them just weren't appealing to me. Jeez, I'm going to get myself in trouble with the writers. We did a couple that I wasn't all that fond of. We did one the second season called "The Execution" that I didn't like, and another - "Vanishing Act - just wasn't funny enough. We did another comedy, "Thims, Thims and Jims" [Fins Femmes and Gems] that made me laugh because it was so stupid".
07-12-00. Ted Raimi at DragonCon 2000 in Atlanta stated he was on a plane to New Zealand when he first read the script for FINS and found out that he would be swinging naked through the trees. He said he then dropped to the aisle of the plane and started doing push-ups to try to buff up.
04-18-00. Josh Becker in an interview with S. Silverwind at http://www.fakeshemps.com/josher.html:
When asked what Ted is like to work with, Josh cheerfully announces, "...we just
have the best time adding new lines to the script. We sit there and talk about
what the scene is, and just come up with a new joke for every scene."
"One that particularly comes to mind is Fins, Femmes and Gems. All that stuff up
in the tree with he and Renee, where I was cutting to all the stock footage,
like 'Billy Goats into ramming positions!' I mean, he and I just worked all that
out immediately before shooting it. I think it's hysterical stuff."
03-07-00. From Dave Grossman. At the Cherry Hill Creation Convention (08/98), Bruce Campbell, when discussing the pulling of THE WAY and its surrounding controversy, mentioned that there have been other episodes that have been almost pulled due to content. He mentioned that DeBeers diamonds threatened to pull their money from the show due to content of this episode. Apparently the script was re-written and the episode title was changed to include the word "gem" in the title in order to appease DeBeers.
11-25-98. From Beth
Gaynor. At the Cherry Hill Creation Convention (08/98), Sharon Delaney, president of the Official Xena Fanclub explained the mystery of what REALLY happened at the end of Fins Femmes & Gems. As Xena and Gabrielle rested in their bedrolls and contemplated when to bother curing Joxer, a few sharp-eyed people noted that as the show faded to
black, Gabrielle's hand moved toward Xena. Those people should now be patting themselves on the back, because Sharon has shots of how the rest of the scene went that we never got to see. Apparently Gabrielle reached for Xena's hand, pulled on it, and an arm wrestling match ensued. Sharon has a FANTASTIC shot of Xena and Gab, arms locked, with silly, satisfied grins plastered on their faces. She's hoping the shot gets approved for the calendar - it's adorable.
11-25-98. In probably the post heard around the world...on 08-20-98, on Josh "Director of FINS" Becker's website, S. L. Nelson posted this question about FINS FEMMES & GEMS:
Subject: Fins, Femmes & Gems
Hello, In this episode, reports say that originally Gabrielle was going to
be obsessed with Xena, rather than herself. Viewing the episode, the camera
angles and the scene selection all seem to emphasize the triangular
obsession with Gabrielle. Although Xena obsesses on fishing, she fishes for
and catches Gabrielle three times. Gabrielle obsesses on her own physical
form. Joxer obsesses on Gaia, the magna mother, in a perfectly primative
and humorous way.
So, did the change from Gabrielle obsessing on Xena to Gabrielle obsessing
with herself occur before or after you began directing the episode? If
after, how did you work in the wonderful framing of Gabrielle? [by way of
example, there's a perfectly balanced Greek geometry to the image when Xena
says, "This is the ultimate fantasy"; Gabrielle says, "I am the ultimate
fantasy"; and Joxer says, "Ugh".]
Ad astra, Cleanthes
And Mr. Becker replied with this bombshell:
Date: August 20, 1998 07:56 PM
Author: Josh (Josh@beckerfilms.com)
Subject: Finns, Femmes & Gems
Dear SNelson:
By the time I got here and did all this reply crap, I forgot your question.
I was around for every single second in life of that episode. It was to be
the "coming out" episode, "just like 'Ellen'" until the Friday before we
began to shoot, then was entirely re-written over the weekend to remove all
trace of anyone "coming out" of anywhere. Quite frankly, I like it the way
it is.
Josh
In response to this, personages associated with RenPic denied that the episode was ever conceived to be a "coming out" episode. To read more about this controversy, check out the RUMORS archive on the GENERAL NEWS AND RUMORS AREA of the Episode Guide for August 1998.
11-25-98. Another tidbit from Josh Becker's website:
Date: August 21, 1998 09:30 PM
Author: Cathy (cattkin@homail.com)
Subject: FF&G
I heard that there is a really funny out-take from the filming of this
episode , involving Lucy and Renee that might be on the new blooper tape.
Can you tell us anything about any funny moments in the filming? What was
Ted wearing apart form those socks?
--------------------
Date: August 22, 1998 03:48 AM
Author: Josh (Josh@beckerfilms.com)
Subject: F, F & G
Dear Catkin:
Lucy threw a party after shooting one night at the beach location (where
most of that ep was shot), which, down in New Zealand, they call a "sausi
sizzle," and managed to get somewhat plastered (I don't know this for a
fact since I didn't go). The next morning we began shooting the interior of
Aphrodite's temple, where X, G & J rush in and Xena tells the plot. Lucy,
who is a complete joy to work with and an incredibly good actor, could not
get the words out of her mouth to save her life. This rarely if ever
happens to Lucy or Renee, which is what made it particularly funny to me.
Josh
11-25-98. At the Phoenx Creation Convention (05-31-98), Sharon Delaney, President of the Official Xena Fan Club stated that in FINS, Gabrielle was originally going to be obsessed with Xena, but they could not make it work. She mentioned that there would be two seasons (second and third) of XENA bloopers included with kit number two of the Creation XENA fan club, and one of the bloopers would be Lucy Lawless with the "twin" fish on her hands from FINS, FEMMES AND GEMS. One of the fish flops over, and Lucy Lawless says that she can make it stand up. Sharon also mentioned that she had seen pictures of the final scene of Xena and Gabrielle in FINS, and that they look like they are arm wrestling, so Gabrielle's hand definitely moves over to Xena's hand as the screen fades to black.
06-01-98. From Petra de Jong. This really is a kicker: I just read this on the news (videotext):
"According to the Sunday Times, astronomers have discovered a star possibly
made out of diamond (the size of Earth), with the Hubble Space Telescope.
The white dwarf with the name BPM37093 is located 17 lightyears away from
us."
I guess there was some truth in Xena shoting a diamond into the sky in
'Fish, Femmes and Gems'... Maybe we can convince the Astronomical Union
to rename that star and call it the Xena and Gabrielle star
04-17-98. Film editor, Robert
Field, came up with the new title of "Fins, Femmes, and
Gems".
04-17-98. In one scene,
you'll see Joxer swinging through the trees nearly
naked. Originally, he *was* naked and you saw a bare
"stunt butt" fly past. But the studio censors caught
it at the last second and a clothed stunt-butt was
used instead.
04-01-98. This episode
features a young
Xena and young Lyceus. Looks like we in for more
post-REMEMBER
NOTHING psycho-analysis of the pre-warlord relationship
Xena had
with Lyceus. We got some info that Xena was a bully as
a child in
both THE BLACK WOLF and FORGIVEN. Is this turning into
the season
where not only the pre-redemptive Xena is
deconstructed, but her
childhood/teenage years, as well?
03-24-98. This episode was
formerly
known as FISH SCHTICKS, but the name was changed to
FINS, FEMMES AND GEMS in the month of March 1998.
03-17-98. The upcoming
episode FISH SCHTICKS is going to get a new name. Seems
that a diamond figures heavily in the story, and one of
the sponsors is into diamonds, hence... name change!
Stay tuned -- as soon as we know what it is, we'll let
you know!1
03-13-98. Ted Raimi at the
St. Louis Con (02/15/98) discussed FISH SHTICKS saying
that Joxer is looking at a picture of Attis the Apeman
[pre-Mycenaean comic book?] when Aphrodite casts her
spell [aren't we all glad this is not the season
ender...doesn't it read a tad like A COMEDY OF EROS
II?] , so he becomes obsessed with running around and
acting like a large, pale monkey. He also complained
about how little clothing he wound up wearing [are we
coming close to seeing three nude dancing Joxers?] for
Attis the Apeman.
02-09-98. And it gets worse!
WHOOSH just received this intelligence: In this
episode, Aphrodite casts a spell on everyone and they
become obsessed with whatever they are looking at
at the time. Xena becomes obsessed with fishing,
Gabrielle is looking in a mirror and becomes obsessed
with herself, and Joxer is looking at artwork with
Attis the Ape Man on it. Joxer becomes him and thinks
that Gabrielle is his ape wife. Apparently it involves
Joxer flying on vines and eating bananas. This episode
even exceeds the high concept of PORCULES. (Makes you
wonder what those people are smoking at those pitch
sessions!)
01-30-98. For new anal and
obsessive heights in WHOOSHDOM! All I know
about this episode is that it has to do with fish (a
rather STRONG obsession of show these days, from
recreational fishing to embarrassing and very bad taste
fish jokes) and that is was filmed in late January
1998. And that information ALONE has gotten this
episode it's very own html file. WHOOSH: Bringing you
new levels of obsessive behavior.
HIGHLIGHTS:
Highlights by Beth
Gaynor.
A study in pure obsession:
Xena has just
managed to pull a drowning Gabrielle from the lake.
"And you fell in," she states with
amazement as Gab explains, followed on its heels with
"Any fish in there?" Now THAT'S
a one-track mind.
Mystery lyric!
Welll, listen to m'story 'bout Gabrielle,
Cute little gal that's lookin' really swell,
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass,
Nice round breasts and a firm young--
I'm sure she was about to say "bass," just looking
forward to the fishing, right? I want to
know how many times they had to practice that song
before Renee could do it with a
straight face. I didn't hear Xena's response the first
time I watched because I was
laughing too hard, but it was a great "I'm worried
we're going to get there and the fish
will be armed!"
My favorite Joxer moment of
the episode:
Xena and Gabrielle sit companionably on a log when a
skinny, pale form swings by
behind them. Xena continues fly-tying, Gab looks
vaguely discomforted, and finally
ponders "do you ever get the feeling we're missing
something really important?" Nah,
don't worry about it. He'll show up soon to offer
furious zug-zug.
THINGS TO
LOOK OUT
FOR
From FP. 11-07-00. About the amazing mid-air switching sides trick: Even though Xena has
many skills (as she on more than one occasion has frased it) Kat McLeod
might be looking to the wrong person, when trying to determine who to
credit for this feat. Notice how Joxer (well, Attis) and Gabrielle pull
off the same thing just moments before. I think it in this case is more
likely to be Gabrielle who achieve this stunning trick. Joxer does have
his moments though, so it can't be ruled out entirely that he is
(partly) responsible. Eg. same episode where he gets in and out of his
armor at a lightning pace, or in the begining of Fallen Angel, where he
changes hands in the blink of an eye.
From Tony Caruso. 03-07-00. The song Gabrielle sings is to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies TV show theme song.
From Kat McLeod. When Xena rescues Gabrielle from Joxer (errrr.. I mean, Attis) swinging through the trees, in the first shot of the back of Xena and Gabrielle as they swing away, Xena is on the left, holding Gab on
the right. In the next shot we see of them, after Joxer has his unfortunate incident with a tree, they've switched sides! I mean, I know Xena has many skills and all, but that two person mid-air full body vine switch must be a real b*tch to pull off ;)
From Pen And Sword.
When Gabrielle swings down from the trees to steal the
gem, she sings "Yodel-ay-ee-hoo!" just like Autolycus
does.
From Beth Gaynor.
The rockslide footage was recycled from A
NECESSARY EVIL. I kept expecting to see a power-mad
amazon getting buried in
the rubble.
From Beth Gaynor.
Listen to Xena as she fishes: she's whistling
her own theme song.
From Beth Gaynor.
Throwaway moments can make or break an
episode like this. This ep had some good ones:
Listen to the thugs when Gab is about to ambush
them. One tells a joke and then
spends the next minute explaining it.
"Gabrielle and the Four Seasons!"
Listen when Joxer tosses the arrow off the tree
for a falling bomb sound effect and
the squawk of a struck bird.
From Beth Gaynor.
Watch Joxer's reactions when Xena rescues
Gab from the lake. He's wearing his chest plate, but
the plate is gone when he does his
backflip. (Kudos to the sharp-eyed LadySpice for
spotting this one for me.)
KITE FISHING
Observations from Margaret.
My husband Pete subscribes to a "kite" newsgroup and showed me these posts. I thought you might be interested.
>> Xena was actually flying what appeared to be a single-line delta,
>> with a second line used as the fishing line rigged to the kite
>> with a triggering device (perhaps stolen from a parabear setup?).
>> From some angles it kinda looked like she was flying a dualie
>> but the crowning touch was when she finally tied one on, she just
>> chucked the one line with the kite away and turned full
>> attention to the lunker in the water. Like a *real* kiteflyer
>> would do that, eh?
>>
>> Maybe one of the writers must've seen one of the rash of kitefishing
>> articles appearing in the kite mags of late.
>>
>> Michael
> Congratulations. You got it in one. She was kite fishing.
> In New Zealand (where Xena is made) - kite fishing is a regular aspect
> of fishing.
> When I first travelled to NZ several years ago I heard about this style
> of kite fishing and decided to learn a bit more.
> This style of kite fishing usually involves using a line climber (yes
> just like the one for dropping bears etc) to lift baited hooks and
> lines out beyond the breakers and into deeper water. Usually a large
> delta kite is used as a lifter and custom made line climbers
> are generally available in kite shops and fishing tackle shops.After the
> kite releases the bait, the climber slides down the line and
> returns to the fisherman/kiteflyer. They then have the option of either
> flying the kite or holding their fishing rod or alternatively
> setting another line. Now we know where Xena's real allegiance lies as
> she lets the kite go to land the fish.
> This is a recognised and rapidly expanding form of recreational fishing.
> Other kite fishing I have seen in Sumatra and Sulawesi in Indonesia
> using traditional methods with water proof leaves are much
> more sustainable and provide an interesting argument on kite history.
> Were kites first developed as tools, playthings or religious
> items. After all a leaf certainly predates chinese silk???
> John Murray
I am not a kite expert but to explain a couple of terms used a dualie is a two line kite, these being the ones mainly used for acrobatics and team flying. Parabear setups are mechanisms to take a teddy bear or other soft toy (safely kitted out with a parachute!) up a line on a large stable single line kite. The parafauna is then dropped and floats to the ground much to the relief of the owner. (I believe the bear gets a
certificate!)
TRANSCRIPT
Click here to read a transcript of FINS, FEMMES & GEMS .
DISCLAIMER:
Joxer's dignity was slightly
harmed during the production of this motion picture.
However, Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to its
original condition.
