Whoosh! Online
Edition Click here for the Xena Infocenter


“Fins, Femmes and Gems ”  Episode 318/64


Aphrodite [Aph]:  “Ooh!  Whoo!  Uh-huh, uh-huh.  [Sighs]  Let’s
see what I got today.  Need it.  Got it.  Hate it.  [Sighs]  Can
always hock it.  Grody!  Uh!  Tsk.  Why do these mortal types
always give me fish?!  I hate fish!”

Maecanus’ Voice:  “This way!”

Maecanus:  “Aphrodite.  It is my honor to be able to-- ”

Aph:  “Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Did you get it, or not?  So this is
the Mystic Diamond, huh?  Nice one.  Ooh!  Too bad I can’t keep

Maecanus:  “What?  Then why did I just-- ?”

Aph:  “Duh!  It’s a star from the night sky.  I gotta show this
off.  This little baby is destined to become the center of my
constellation.  Hmm.  Now-- take it to my priest in Parnassus.
He’s gonna shoot it into the night sky for me.”

Maecanus:  “I’ll put it up there for you right now, most--
beautiful of goddesses.  Tie your gem on my arrow-- so my shaft
can bring you-- satisfaction.”

Aph:  [Giggles]  “I do believe your sweaty, smelly leader is
_flirting_ with the goddess of love.  You don’t have the thrust.
Besides, my guy in Parnassus has better equipment.  And he knows
the right time to shoot.  It’s got-- something to do with some--
astrological stuff that gives me a headache.  Now, go!  To
Parnassus!  Gotta be there by nightfall!”

Maecanus:  “Yes, my goddess.  There’s just one small problem.”

Aph:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah-- Xena and her pesky posse’s right
behind ya.  Don’t sweat it; I gotcha covered.  I call it
‘Obsession.’  One whiff, and whatever you’re thinking about at
that minute turns into an overwhelming obsession.  Cool, huh?
Now, go!  Uhhh, out the back door.”

Maecanus:  “This way.  Let’s go.”

G:  “How could Aphrodite steal the North Star?”  

X:  “She stole the Mystic Diamond from the temple of the
heavens.  Unless we get its powers back before nightfall, the
North Star will go out, and the world will be in for some
serious turmoil.”

Joxer:  “You mean, things that go bump in the night really will
go bump in the night?”

X:  “All travellers on land and sea look to the North Star as a
guide.  The Mystic Diamond’s powers will keep it shining.”

G:  “Xena, there’s no sign of Maecanus.”

X:  “Let’s look around and see if they’ve stashed it someplace.
Check over here.”

Aph:  “Hmm-- Mmm!”

J:  “What’s this?”

G:  “That’s the story of Attus-- the ape-man-- and the Princess
Gaea.  Hmm-- it’s a beautiful love story.”  [Look at the way G
looks at J here.]

J:  “Hmm.  Ape-man.  Hmm.”

G:  “That’s not humanly possible.”

X:  “Sure it is.”

G:  “They say that the paintings of women in Aphrodite’s temple
represent her many phases, right?  Well, based on this, I’d have
to say that she’s pretty full of herself.”

Aph:  “Oh, really?”

G:  [Sighs]  “Pretty!”

X:  “They’ve probably headed for Parnassus.  The priest there is
an expert astrologer.  Who knows what _stupid_ thing Aphrodite
would want him to do with it?”

Aph:  “Nice!  Double dose for you, Warrior Babe.”

X:  “Hmm-- a walleye.”

Aph:  [Giggles]  “Big mistake-- you’re never getting that smell
off your hands now.”

X:  “I’ve got it.  I know what to do.  The North Star is on the
verge of extinction.  The fate of the whole world lies in our
hands.  We’ve got no choice.  We’re going fishing.”



G:  “It’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful.  Don’t you think it’s
beautiful?  The way it dips and curves?”

X:  “It’s not supposed to dip and curve.  The parchment has to
stay still up there.”

G:  “Parchment?  Uh, no-- no-- the cloud behind it.  Don’t you
think it looks like my nose?  You know, the way it dips down,
and has that _cute_ little curve to the side?”

X:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Look, that clip is supposed to release
when you tug on that line.  Go on-- grab it.”

G:  “Huh.  Mm-hmm.  Waste of my time.”

X:  “Go ahead.”

G:  “Uh-- very funny.  Fortuntely, I have a brilliant sense of

X:  “Gabrielle!”

G:  “Xena-- if you think I’m gonna waste my time jumping up and
down for flying parchment-- ”

X:  “It is not a waste of time!  I’m trying to test-- oh!  Oh,
ha-ha-- excuse me.  I, uh-- I didn’t wanna make you feel

G:  “Uncomfortable?  Me?  What are you talking about?!”

X:  “Well, yeah, you know, about your, uh-- your little problem,
your height?”

G:  “You want me to catch your silly clip, do ya?  Fine-- I’ll
show you height.  Uh!  Got it!  Now, what?  Oh.  Ow!”

X:  “Needs some minor adjustments-- I can make ‘em up at the

G:  “Hey-- is that Joxer?”

J/Attus:  “Mmm-- bug.”

G:  “That is so disgusting.  Xena-- he’s been acting very
strange.  I don’t think we should be seen in public with him.”

X:  “He’s acting strange because something happened to him at
the temple.  Aphrodite must have put some kind of a spell on
him.  Now he’s obsessed with that silly story about the ape-man.
You know, you got the obsession thing, too.”

G:  “Excuse me?”

X:  “Ooh, yeah.”

G:  “What am I obsessed with?”

X:  “You.  Your opinion of yourself is flying higher than my

G:  [Chuckles]  “That’s ridiculous!  Xena, my opinion of myself
has not changed one iota since-- oh.  Oh, yeah-- lookin’ good.”

X:  “Yeah.”

G:  “All right.  Um-- if we’re all obsessed with something--
what about you?  What are you obsessed with?”

X:  “Well, that’s the good news.  I haven’t been affected by the
spell, so I can still take care of business.  So, let’s fish.

J/Attus:  “Huh?”

X:  “Move it.  And bring some of whatever it is you’re eating.
Might be good bait.”

J/Attus:  “Uh-- OK.”


G:  “I still don’t see why we didn’t bring Argo.  I’m getting
callouses-- perfect callouses.”

X:  “I let Argo roam free for a while.  I need to concentrate
totally on the mission at hand.”

G:  “Is that the diamond?”

X:  “Yeah, and the diamond.”

G:  “You know, Xena?  I’ve been thinking of rewriting the

X:  “Whatever.”

G:  “It just doesn’t have a point of view.  You know, it needs
more verve-- more character-- more-- more of me.  It doesn’t
sing to me like this.  Actually, that’s a great idea.  A scroll
should be sung, not told.

[Sings]  “Well, listen to my story about Gabrielle--
A cute little gal that’s lookin’ really swell.
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass--
Nice round breasts and a firm young-- ”

X:  “Are you out of your mind?!”

G:  “Too loud?  Ar-are you worried we’re gonna get there and the
fish’ll be gone?”

X:  “I’m worried we’re gonna get there and the fish’ll be


X:  “Oh-- it’s just the way I remember it-- amazing.”

G:  “Really is.  It’s just wonderful.  It’s flawless.  I feel
right at home here.”

X:  “This is the ultimate fantasy.”

G:  “I’m the ultimate fantasy.”

J/Attus:  “Uhhhhh.”


G:  “-- four.  Hundred and five.  Hundred and six.  What are we
doing here?”

X:  “Just gonna alter the landscape a little.”

G:  “Hundred and eight.  Why?”

X:  “You remember the Mystic Diamond?”

G:  “Mm-hmm.”

X:  “Well, Aphrodite thinks that what’s happened to you and to
Joxer is gonna make me forget about it, but no-- no, I’m gonna
get it back.  And while I’m at it, there’s nothin’ wrong with
gettin’ in a little fishing.”

G:  “What does that have to do with the diamond?”

X:  “This-- is gonna cause an avalanche in the canyon.  And
that’ll force Aphrodite’s henchmen to detour around the lake.”

J/Attus:  “Oooh, ooh!  Oooh, ooh!”

X:  “There, that oughtta do it.”

J/Attus:  “He!  He!  He!  Ho!  Ho!”

X:  “And now it’s time for a little fun.  Come on!”

G:  “A hundred and-- One-- ”

J/Attus:  “Ooh!”

G:  “Two-- ”

J/Attus:  “Ooh!”

G:  “Three.”

X:  “This is gonna be the best thing of your young lives!  Come
on, Gabrielle, let’s get wet!  Come on, Gabrielle!  Get your
gear off!”

G:  [Laughs]  “You’d _like_ that, wouldn’t you?”

J/Attus:  “Hhhhhhh.”

G:  “No, I’m sorry Joxer-- I take off my clothes-- I could kill
you.  Beauty can do that.  Did I just say that?  Is Xena right?
Have I gone too far?  Am I obsessed with myself?  No!  What’s
not to like?!  Right?!”

J/Attus:  “Yeah.  Ooh!  Ooh.  Ooh, uh, uh, uh, ooh?”

X:  “Oh, Gabrielle?!  Come here, I wanna show you something.”

G:  “Well, you’re gonna have to show me from here.  This little
minx is staying on dry land.”

J/Attus:  “Uh!  Uh!”

G:  “Xena?”

X:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Ha-ha-ha!”

G:  “You have a fish-- wrapped around your finger.”

X:  “Yeah.  Gabrielle, I forgot how much fun this is.  Come on,
give it a try.  It’s easy!”

G:  “What do you do?”

X:  “All you have to do is, ya-- ya stick your hand underneath
the water, and ya feel around ‘til ya find a great, big,
succulent fish.  And then you do this-- you wiggle your fingers
so it looks like bait-- and then, whammo!”

G:  “You punch it in the face.  Why would I want to do that?”

X:  “Because it’s fun!”

G:  “Right-- ramming my fist down the throat of an innocent,
little fish.  It’s not my idea of fun.”

X:  “Well, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.  Twins!  Ha-ha!
Gotcha, gotcha, and now I’m gonna eatcha.  Hey, Gabrielle-- why
don’tcha give it a try, huh?  I’m gonna go gut these.”

G:  “She wants me to fist a fish?  I can barely say it, much
less do it.  [Chuckles]  Xena, you just don’t realize how
primitive-- you really are.”

J/Attus:  “Oh!  Oh!  Uh!  Oh!  Oh!”

G:  “She just doesn’t appreciate the _truly_ great work of art
that I am.”

J/Attus:  “Ooh!  Ooh!  Uh!”

G:  “And-- who is that that I see before my eyes?  Ohh-- yeah.”

J/Attus:  “Wiggly food.”

X:  “OK-- you take care of these.  I’m gonna start a fire.”

J/Attus:  “Uh!  Uh!  Hmm?  Ah!  Ah!  I, Attus-- king of trout--
and ruler of its peoples.  I set you free.  Uh-- huh?  Ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!  You tell good joke, trout-brother.  But now-- I
must have tribute.  Go!  Swim!  Be free!  Go!  Go!”

X:  “Now, you listen to me, monkey-man.  You _ever_ do that
again, and you’ll find _my_ fist down your throat!  Gabrielle
and I didn’t come-- Gabrielle?!  Gabrielle?!”



X:  “Gabrielle?  Where is she?  Gabrielle?  Gabrielle!  I’m
coming!  Hang on!”

J/Attus:  “Huh?  Huh, huh?”

X:  “Gabrielle?”

J/Attus:  “Oh!”

X:  “Gabrielle?!”

J/Attus:  “Ooh!  Ohh!  Ah!  Uh.  Uh.  Whoo-hoo--ha!  Uh.  Ooh!
Ooh!  Ooh!  Uh!  Uh!  Uh!  Uh.  Uh.  Uh.  Uh.”

G:  “Not the lips!

J/Attus:  “Huh?  Huh?”

G:  “Please-- they chap so easily.”

X:  “Wha-- just what were you doing out there?”

G:  “Uh-- I was-- oh!  I was trying to kiss my reflection in the
water.  I couldn’t resist it.  I leaned over-- and I tried to
press my lips-- ”

X:  “And you fell in.  Any fish down there?”

G:  “It was like, my reflection embraced me.”

J/Attus:  “Uh.”

G:  “I sank into it.  I was _surr-o-u-n-d-ed_ by it.  And then
you-- you pulled me up, and-- I looked into your eyes, and Xena,
I _finally_ realized-- there can only be one person for me in my

X:  “Well?”

G:  “Me!  Hey, I _let_ you save me!”


J/Attus:  “Uh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Uh!  Ooh!  Uh!  Uh!”

G:  “Ohh, my-- where’s my brush?  Joxer-- ”

J/Attus:  “Huh?”

G:  “Can you hear me?”

G/Apewoman:  “Oh.  Oh.  Oh.”

J/Attus’ Voice:  “Huh?”

G/Apewoman:  “Oh.  You mighty man-monkey.”

J/Attus:  “Hmmm.”

G/Apewoman:  “She-monkey need you!”

J/Attus:  “Uhh.”

G:  “Good.  Here’s the problem.  Aphrodite has enchanted you.
That’s obvious.  Xena thinks that _I’ve_ been enchanted-- but I

J/Attus:  “Huh?”

G:  “I’m really worried about her.”

J/Attus [Gulps]:  “Huh?”

G:  “You see, I’ve never seen her so focused on fishing before.”

J/Attus:  “Uh.”

G:  “Joxer-- ”

G/Apewoman:  “Oh-oh-oh!  Ahh!  Ahh!” 

G:  “Have you understood _anything_ that I’ve said?”

J/Attus:  “Ar-arr.”

G:  “Great.”

J/Attus’ Voice:  “Uh!”

G:  “That’s OK.  Hmm-- ”

G/Apewoman:  “Ahh!  Me love Attus!  Me love him!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm-- uh.”

G:  “I’ll just use my superior intelligence-- ”

G/Apewoman:  “Me love him!  Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.”

G:  “-- and overall good judgment in all situations to handle

G/Apewoman:  “Zug-zug!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm?”

G/Apewoman:  “Zug-zug, now!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.”

G/Apewoman:  “Ahh!  Ahh!”

J/Attus:  “Ah!  Ah!”

G:  “I’ll speak with Xena.”

J/Attus:  “Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ah!  Mmm!  Oh!  Oh!  Ohh!  Uh!”


[[[[[[Young Lyceus:  “Cut it out, Xena!”

Young X:  “Lyceus-- I’ve got a bite!”
Young Lyceus:  “Wow.”

Young X  [morphing into X]:  “Look Lyceus, it’s Solaris.”]]]]]]

G:  “Xena!  I have something really important I need to speak to
you about.  Do these boots work with this skirt?  Ow!  You cut
my hair?”

X:  “Uh-huh.”

G:  “My little, golden fleece?”

X:  “It’s perfect.”

G:  “Of course, it’s perfect.  It’s _my_ hair.”

X:  “And the color is gonna work just beautifully with this.”

G:  “A bent nail?  You cut my hair to put a wig on a bent nail?”

X:  “It is not a bent nail.  It’s a hook.  Look, I disguise it
with your hair, attach it to my flying parchment, and we _got_

G:  “Who’s ‘him’?”

X:  “Solaris.”

G:  “Who’s Solaris?”  

X:  “A fish that Lyceus and I discovered when we were kids.
He’s _wily_, Gabrielle.  He’s smart, he’s cunning, he’s a
_great_ opponent.  Every time that Lyceus or I would catch him,
he would find a way to escape.  But this time-- no.”

G:  “Well, that’s fine-- except for one thing.”

X:  “What’s that?”

G:  “You’re not _sacrificing_ my hair for a fish.”


X:  “Thanks.  It really is amazing how much like Lyceus’ hair it
is.  I’m sure Solaris will go for it.  I’ve got to make him
think that he’s alone.  Huhh-- a regular fishing pole won’t cut
it.  Nope-- we gotta reduce line drag.  That’s why, when we
attack, we do it from the air.”

G:  “Xena-- why don’t I just find some local villagers?  I’ll
lure them in with my eloquent speech-- snap my fingers and you
can have any fish that you want.”

X:  “No one-- catches Solaris-- but me.”

G:  “Hmm.  Do you ever get the feeling that we’re forgetting
something really important?”

X:  “That diamond thing.”

G:  [Whispers]  “The diamond.”

X:  “Yeah, you see, your obsession keeps you from remembering
very important things.”

G:  “_My_ obsession?”

X:  “You can’t see the fish for the lake.  We only have a very
limited time to get the Mystic Diamond back.  Remember that.”

G:  “So, what do you wanna do-- track these guys down?”

X:  “Before we catch Solaris?  Are you outta your mind?”


Maecanus:  “This wasn’t here, before.”

Thug:  “It must’ve been an avalanche.”

Maecanus:  “Your talents are wasted as a thug.  You should’ve
been an astronomer.”

Thug:  “I don’t know anything about rocks.”

Maecanus:  “All right!  We’ll have to make detour up around the


X:  “Higher.”

G:  “This OK?”

X:  “Gabrielle-- higher, please.  For cryin’ out loud.  All
right.  Now, let her go.  Gabrielle?  OK, this time the clip
_should_ work.  Give it a pull!”

G:  “Yah!”

X:  “It worked!  It really worked!”

G:  “What worked?!  Trying to overshadow my-- dynamic
personality with some mud?!  Has that been the point to all

X:  “Huh?”

G:  “It’s beginnng to make sense.  Fishing-- Solaris.
[Chuckles]  Right.  Now, I understand.”

X:  “Understand what?”

G:  “You’re jealous-- of me.”

X:  “That’s ridiculous.”

G:  “All this time, Xena-- I’ve tried to let it go-- you know?
And it hasn’t been easy.  I have tried to be humble with you.
But you’re pushing too far.”

X:  “Look-- ”

G:  “No-- don’t.   I haven’t seen this diamond.  Yes!  You say
that it’s stolen, and I took your word for it!  But you bring me
_here_-- where no one can appreciate my radiance!  No one!  No
competition for you.  No-- and Solaris the fish?  Please.”

X:  “I brought you here ‘cause I thought we could enjoy a _good_
day’s fishing together.”

G:  “There’s no such thing as a good day’s fishing.  A day
_without_ fish is good.”

X:  “You know, you sounded just like my brother, Lyceus, then.
Huh-- he used to argue with me about fishing!  Said he hated it,
but I could tell.  He had the same fire in his eyes that you and
I have got.”

G:  “Uh-uh-- unless your brother was an Adonis-- he and I are
nothing alike.  Isn’t there anyone here who can appreciate my

J/Attus:  “Ah-ah!  Ah-ah!  Ah-ahhhhhhh!  Ooh!  I Attus.  Attus

G:  “Joxer?”

J/Attus:  “Don’t speak.  Attus take you as bride.  Ah-ah!
Ah-ah!  Ah-ah!  He!  He!  He!  Aoooooooo!”

G:  “Joxer!”

X:  “Finally, a little peace and quiet.”  [Laughs]



J/Attus:  “Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!  Ah!  Ah!  Ah!  Ooh!  Ooh-ooh!  Ooh!

G:  “Stop!  Stop!  Joxer, are you mad?!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.”

G:  “Let me go!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.”

G:  “Please, I’m getting dirty!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.”

G:  “Huh?!  Huh!  Huh!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm-- hmm.  Gaea-- like Attus?”

G:  “Attus is quite a surprise!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.”

G:  “Here!  Put something on-- please?”

J/Attus:  “Hmm-- Attus pleasure you with much furious Zug-zug,

G:  “Uh!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm-- what this?”

G:  “Oh, no, no, no, no-- that’s mine.  A garment of this
quality can only adorn a perfect body.”

J/Attus:  [Yawns]

G:  “Put it on-- quick.”

J/Attus:  “Hmm?  Hmm.  Hmm.  It soft-- like baby monkey.  Hmm.
Ooh.  Ooh-ooh.”

G:  “What?”


X:  “Gabrielle?!  Monkey-man, you bring her back!  You know, you
two are beginning to irritate me with these obsessions of yours!
Fish don’t just catch themselves!”


G:  “Attus!  Attus!  Unhand me, you beast!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.  Hah.  Hmm.  Bride want food?”

G:  “Uh, no thank you.  I-- I had a late breakfast.”

J/Attus:  “Hmm-- then-- now-- Zug-zug!”

G:  “I could-- do with a few ants!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.”

G:  “Mmm.”

X’s Voice:  “Gabrielle?!  Gabrielle?!”

G:  “She’s come for me.”

X’s Voice:  “Where are you?!”

G:  “I knew she would.  She can’t live without me for a minute.”

X’s Voice:  “Gabrielle!”

G:  “Not that I could blame her.”

J/Attus:  “Hmm-- then-- now, I take you next to raging river,
where, for three moons, we make furious Zug-zug!”


J/Attus:  “Ooh!  Ooh!”

G:  “Oooh!  I don’t like this!”

J/Attus:  “Ah-ah!  Ah-ah!  Ah-ah!  He!  He!  He!  Aooooooo!”

X’s Voice:  “Gabrielle?!”

J/Attus:  “Ah!  Ah!  Great white monkey, Xena, come for Princess
Gaea!  Animals!  Animals of the jungle!  Listen to me!  Billy
goats!  Form ramming positions!  Elephants!  Suck water from
great river-- for moat!  Great Eagle!  Come down and collect me,
so that I may swoop down upon her!  Come down and collect me, so
that I may swoop down upon her!  Oooh!  Damn you!  You
ungrateful animals!  Ooh!  Come on!  Ah!  Ah-ahhhhh!  Where’d
she go?  Ahhhhhhhhhhh!  Attus glad that over.  Ohh!  Uhhh.

X:  [Xena Yell]

G:  “You saved me!  Xena-- the world will thank you for rescuing
such an unrivaled beauty.  Your name will be legendary-- like--
‘Gabrielle the Great?’  ‘Gabrielle of Troy.’  Huh!”

X:  “Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.” 

G:  “‘Our Lady, Gabrielle.’  ‘Gabrielle of the Nile.’  Wait,
there’s more!  ‘Gabrielle of Olympia!’  ‘Gabrielle and the Four


X:  [Sighs]  “What are you doing?”

G:  “Oh-- I’m just highlighting perfection with some berry

X:  “Yeah, looks good on you.  Only, they’re not berries--
they’re crushed bugs I was  using for bait.”

G:  [Spits out bug juice]

X:  “Gabrielle, uh-- you know that diamond we were looking for

G:  “Diamond?  Was that today?”

X:  “Yes-- I’ve never seen it, but I heard that it’s, uh-- it’s
perfect, just like you.”

G:  “I’m glad you could finally admit that, Xena.  You know,
that must’ve been difficult for you.  I realize the envy that I

X:  “Right.  Well, that’s why Aphrodite wanted it.  I know that

G:  “What do you mean?”

X:  “She thinks of herself as-- the _perfect_  female-- immortal
or otherwise.”

G:  “She thinks that _she’s_ the perfect female?”

X:  “She obviously thought that the perfect diamond was
something that she should be wearing.  Well, it’s like a badge,
announcing her as the most beautiful creature in the universe.”

G:  “Let’s go, Xena.”

X:  “Where?”

G:  “To get the diamond.  If it’s perfection, _I_ should possess

X:  “Oh, I’m sorry, Gabrielle.  I feel a bite comin’ on.  But,
uh-- Maecanus should be passing by this lake, soon.  Uh-- maybe,
you-- ”  [Sighs]


Joker:  “And he says, ‘Your sandal?  I thought that was my
dinner.’  Huh.”

Maecanus:  “I don’t get it.”

Thug:  “His sandal?”

Maecanus:  “I thought-- I don’t get it.”

Joker:  “He ate it-- ‘cause he thought it was his-- you know?
When he kicked it off his foot-- you know?  The sandal-- and it
landed-- ”

Maecanus:  “I don’t get it.”

G:  [Yells]  “Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!”


X:  “You go, Gabrielle!”


X:  “You’re beautiful when you’re angry.”


G:  “Ha-ha!”

Maecanus:  “After her!”


J/Attus’ Voice:  “Uh!  Uh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-uh-uh-uh!”

X:  “Joxer?!”

J/Attus’ Voice:  “Uh!  Uh!”

X:  “I mean, Attus, come here.”

J/Attus:  “He!  He!  He!  Uh!  Hmm.”

X:  “You want the princess, right?”

J/Attus:  “Attus want!”

X:  “You _need_ the princess, right?”

J:  “Attus need!  Ah!  Ah-ah!”

X:  “Well-- here’s what you do.”  [Whispers to him]


Maecanus:  “Give us the diamond!”


Maecanus’ Voice:  “This way.  We got her now.”

G:  “Hold it, boys!  Huh-- do you think I’m not used to men
chasing me?  Same old story.  Can’t believe I’m beginning to
chafe.  OK, look-- I’m sure that even people of your ilk can
appreciate perfection, right?”

Maecanus:  “Sure, we can.  Kill her!”



Maecanus:  “Kill her!”

G:  [Chuckles]  “That’s funny.”

Maecanus:  “You’re trapped.  Now, give us the diamond, and we’ll
make sure your loved ones can identify the body.”

G:  “This body.”

Maecanus:  “Hmm.”

G:  “Are you insane?  Have you no understanding of absolute,
inviolate cuddliness?”

Maecanus, Thug, Joker:  “Hmm?”

Maecanus:  “Guess not.”

G:  “Xena!”


X:  [Whistles X:WP theme song]

G’s Voice:  “Xena”

X:  [Continues whistling theme song]


G:  “I don’t wanna break a nail.”

J/Attus:  “He!  He!  He!  Ohh!”

Maecanus:  “After her!”
Thug:  “Up the wall?”

Maecanus:  “Are you a mountain climber?”

Thug:  “No.”
Maecanus:  “Well, then this way.”


J/Attus:  “He!  He!  He!  Aoooooooooo!”

G:  “Uh!  Joxer-- you saved me.”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.  Now-- time for Zug-zug!”

G:  “Huh?  Oh, no!”  [Gasps]

J/Attus:  “Ah!  Bird brother!  Go!  Fly!  Tell your people of
Attus, the ape-man.  Bring tribute!  Go!  Fly!”

G:  “Joxer!  Swing!  El swingo!”

J/Attus:  “Hmm.  Attus not afraid!  Attus king of jungle!  Ow!
Hmm?  Attus renounce throne.”


X:  [Gasps]  “Solaris!”

G’s Voice:  “Xena!”

G:  “Xena!  Xena!  Catch!”

Maecanus:  “Leave the diamond, little girl.  Don’t make me kill

X:  “You’re new around here, right?”


J/Attus:  “Ooh, ooh.”  “Ooh, ooh.”

G:  “Xena, forget about Solaris-- please!”

X:  “Never!  After all this time-- never!”

G:  “My dress is wrinkling.”

X:  “He’s gone.”

J/Attus:  “Ooh.  Ooh.  Ooh.  Ooh!  Ah!  Ahh!  Ooh!  Ah!  Ah!
Ah!  Ooh.  I just get tribute from Brother hippo.”

G:  “He got away, huh?”

X:  “Yeah-- but it worked.  Everything worked beautifully,
Gabrielle, except-- ”

G:  “He still got away, now give me the diamond.”

X:  “It’s beautiful.”

G:  “Mmm-- you were right to think that only I should wear that.
Now, you gonna give it to me?”

X:  “I got an idea.”


G:  “So, what are you doing?”

X:  “I’m sending the North Star back to the heavens before
nightfall.  Hopefully, the power of the Mystic Diamond will help
guide it home.”

G:  “But, it’s mine!”

X:  “Well, just think, Gabrielle.  Every time that people look
up into the night sky and see that perfect star-- they’ll think
of you.”

G:  “Hmm.”

X:  “ It’ll be a symbol of your beauty for all time to come.”

G:  “It is too bad that the people can’t see the real thing.
Guess a symbol of it will have to do.  Fire away!  What are you
waiting for?”

X:  “You’ll see.”

G:  “Xena, you’re not going to use my diamond as bait, are you?”

X:  “It’s just crazy enough to work.  Ahhh!”

G:  “I think you just put a fish in the heavens.”

X:  “I dedicate this fish to Lyceus.”

G:  “Are you OK?”

X:  “I was obsessed with fishing, wasn’t I?”

G:  “I’m sorry, Xena, but I really don’t pay that much attention
to you.  I have much more important things to do with my time.”

X:  “Gabrielle, I just realized what it was that was driving my
obsession.  It’s not fishing!  It-- it’s all the unresolved
business between me and my brother.  I felt like I still owed
him something.  The minute I acknowledged it, I was out from
under its spell.”

G:  “Ah-- I just love the way my eyes glow in the sunlight.”

X:  “Gabrielle, there’s something that’s bothering you that you
need to get in touch with.”

G:  “You’re right.  These boots don’t work with this skirt.”

X:  “No, Gabrielle, think.  There is something about yourself
that you’re not satisfied with.”

G:  “Other than the fact that no one gives me credit for
anything, and everyone thinks I’m a silly sidekick?  Now, I’ve
got this headache.”

X:  “Well, you’re back to normal, now.  Gabrielle, from now on,
I’m gonna make sure you get a lot more credit for the things you
do.  That’s a promise.”

G:  “Thanks.”

X:  “Insight released us from the spell.”

G:  “That’s all it took?”

X:  “Let’s get outta here.  Come on.”


G:  “Yep.  It definitely looks like a fish.  But which one’s the
North Star?”

X:  “The big one.”

G:  “Hmm.  Hmm.  It's a good thing that you figured out all that
insight stuff, Xena.  Who knows how long we'd be under that

X:  “I couldn't have done it without you.  The only reason I do
any good at all in this world is because I do it with you.  You
make an important contribution every day.  I'm
gonna make sure that people know that from now on.”

G:  “You don't have to do that-- but it's nice to be reminded
that you feel that way.  Hmm.”

J/Attus:  “Oh!  Ah!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Uh!  Oh!”

G:  “I think you still need to do something about Joxer.”

J/Attus:  “ Uh!  Uh!  Uh!”

X:  “Tomorrow.”


Click here to return to FINS, FEMMES & GEMS page.

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!