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TRANSCRIPTION OF
IF THE SHOE FITS




"If the Shoe Fits"  Episode 412/80

[TEASER]

G:  [Hums]

Joxer [Jox]:  [Snores]

X:  "Uh.  Oh, I hate that.  It's late.  Gabrielle?  Gabrielle?
Oh, the one morning I ask you to wake me up for a change.  Just
when I get Zantar right where I want him-- I go and oversleep.
Well, thank you very much!  Rope.   Rope."

G:  "La-la-la-la-la!  La-la-la-la-la!  La!  La-la-la-la-la!  La!
La!  La!  La!  La!  La-la-la-la-la-la-la!  La!  La!  La!
La-la-la-la-la!  [Coughs]  La-la-la-la-la!  La!"

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Zantar [Zan]:  "Tomorrow-- we head east-- to Lumeria.  They had a
big harvest this year.  So they'll be loaded with extra cash."

Baldy:  "Good to have ya back, Bro."

Helmet:  "Yeah-- pickin' up right from where ya left off."
[Laughs]

Zan:  "Only this time, I'll be smart.  No way I'm going back to
that _stinkin'_ jail!"  [Laughter]

[Fight]

Baldy:  "Oh, she's good."

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X:  "Gabrielle, what's goin' on?"

G:  "I woke up.  I-- I took a bath.  Uh-- I know I put my shirt
on that tree.  It's just gone.  It doesn't make any sense--
unless an animal took it.  You know?  A-a-a fashionable beaver
or-- or-- oh, you didn't."

X:  "Gabrielle.  I was in a hurry.  We ran out of rope."

G:  "You stole my favorite shirt?  It's the only shirt that goes
with this skirt, Xena.  You used it to tie up that-that-that
smelly warlord.  That's your excuse?!  You ran out of rope?"
 
X:  "The good news is you found somethin' else to wear."

G:  "It's a sack!"

X:  "How come you let Joxer sleep in so late?"

G:  "I was topless."

Jox [Snores]:  "Yah.  Yah.  Ah!  Ah!  Abandon ship!  We're goin'
down!  Uh.  Oh.  Good morning.  Hi, Gabrielle.  New outfit?
Looks good.  Ooh!"

G:  "Shut up!"

Jox:  "What'd _I_ say?!"

X:  "Just get going."

Jox:  "All right."

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G:  "I'm telling you, brown is not my color."

X:  "I kinda like it.  It's got that, uh-- rustic appeal."

G:  "Suitable for you, right?"

Jox:  "Come on."

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Aphrodite [Aph]:  "_Now_ look what you've done!  Ooh!  You--
monster!  I told you _never_ to play with the bottle marked
passion!  It's _totally_ explosive stuff!"

X:  "Aphrodite, what's going on?"

Aph:  "Xena!  Uh!  What are you doing here?"

Alesia [Ale]:  "Xena!"

X:  "Alesia?"

Ale:  "Please-- you have to save me from my evil fairy
godsmother!"

X:  "Your evil fairy godsmother?  Who's that?"

Ale:  "Her!"

Aph:  "Moi?!"

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[ACT I]

X:  "Let's hear it, Aphrodite.  What's all this about?"

Aph:  "The little rugrat wandered in yesterday and said something
about her dad and her wicked stepmom.  So you know me.  I was
just trying to help.  Then she became like-- totally bizarro!
And now she's calling me-- "

Ale:  "-- my evil fairy godsmother."

Aph:  "Uh-h-h-h!  That's it!  As if!  Dear child-- do these
features _look_ evil?"

G:  "Do you mean the fairy godsmother from the fairy tale?"

Ale:  "Mm-hmm."

X:  "This child's name is Alesia-- Princess Alesia of Cyra.  Her
father and I have been friends for years.  Alesia-- how did you
get here?  Did you run away from home?"

Ale:  "Uh-huh.  Daddy got married.  I don't like my stepmother.
So I came to find my fairy godsmother."

X:  "Well, I think your father would be very worried.  Maybe we
can take you home.  I'm sure we can work this out."

Ale:  "Then _you'll_ be my fairy godsmother?"

X:  "Uh-- just for a little while."

Aph:  "Great!  Get rid of her.  She obviously doesn't know a good
thing when she sees it."

X:  "Come on, Alesia.  Out of the way!  I think we oughtta take
you home."

G:  "You all right?"

Jox's Voice:  "Fine.  Move it out, Goliath.  

Zan's Voice:  [Growls]

Jox's Voice:  "At your own pace."

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Queen:  "Did you find her?"

King:  "No-- not yet."  

Queen:  "You're not giving up, are you?"

King:  "No!  No, I'm going back out there with all my men to
_keep_ searching for her."

Queen:  "You'll find her.  I know you will."

King:  "I pray to the gods we do.  Darling, whe means everything
in the world to me."

Queen:  "Don't blame yourself.  It's not your fault.  It's not
you she hates.  It's me."  [Cries]

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X:  "I better go and scout ahead."

G:  "I'll- I'll do it."

X:  "Alesia-- why'd you run away?"

Ale:  "I hate my new stepmother.  I wanna get rid of her so
things can be the way they used to be."

X:  "Oh."

Ale:  "I thought Aphrodite could help-- but she couldn't."

X:  "Well, maybe I can help."

Ale:  "Really?  OK-- but don't hurt her too bad."

X:  "That's not what I had in mind.  Listen-- I was in your shoes
too, once.  I had a stepfather and-- and I never got to know him.
Now, I think that was a terrible mistake.  Gabrielle, are you all
right?"

G:  "Fine.  What's this about a stepfather?  You never told me
that."

X:  "Yes, I did.  Didn't I?"

G:  "No."

X:  "Well, it's not important.  I'm trying to help Alesia."

G:  "What, and I'm not?!  Xena, who just climbed that tree,
looking for Zantar's men?!"

X:  "So, what did ya see?"

G:  "They're right behind us."

X:  "All right, I'm gonna double back there and take care of `em.
Alesia-- I'll be back.  Stay here with Gabrielle.  She's gonna
tell you a story."

G:  "I will?"

X:  "Yes, you will.  You're good at them."

G:  "OK."

Ale:  "I hope it has a happy ending."  

G:  "A happy ending, huh?  All right.  Once-- when-- once-- upon
a time-- there was a sweet-- very young-- girl-- 

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G's Voice:  "-- named-- Tyrella.  She was happy-- even though she
lived with her wicked stepmother-- the meanest-- crankiest-- most
_horrid_ woman alive!"

X/Stepmother [X/Stepm]:  "Pelia-- come here, sweetie."

Aph/Pelia [Aph/Pel]:  "Mommy!  Look what my _stupid_ stepsister
did!  She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius!"

Aph/Pel and X/Stepm:  "Tyrella!"

Tyrella [Tyr]:  "La.  La.  La-a-a-a-a.  Yes, dear stepmother."

X/Stepm:  "There's a crease in Pelia's dress.  Aren't you
forgetting something?"

Tyr:  "I swept the floor-- washed the dishes-- cleaned the
attic-- weeded the garden.  I dug you a new well.  I've been
terribly busy."

X/Stepm:  "Well, get over it!  You've neglected your most
important duty."

Tyr:  "What could that possibly be?"

X/Stepm:  "My clippings!"

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Jox:  [Screams]

G:  "Joxer!"

Jox:  "Ooh!"

G:  "Calm down."

Jox:  "But that foot!  What are you trying to do?  Scare the kid
half to death?  What is it, honey?"

Ale:  "It's only a story, Joxer."

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Aph:  "Oh-h-h-h.  My little pookie's slipper."  [Sighs]

Aph's Image:  "Admit it.  You miss the little monster."

Aph:  "As if!  What's there to miss?!  The noise?  The crying?
The fairy godsmother rap?  She did have potential."

Aph's Image:  "'Fess up, girlfriend.  You're suffering from empty
nest syndrome.  Your little boy, Cupid, is all grown up, and now
you're lonely."

Aph:  "She was kinda cute, wasn't she?"  

Aph's Image:  "No duh!  Your problem is, you didn't play the
mommy gig long enough, you know?"

Aph:  "You mean like-- stories and cuddles and that kinda stuff?
I could do that.  You think I could do that?"

Aph's Image:  "Totally.  She could be-- your personal mascot--
the demigoddess of puppy love."

Aph:  "Tubular!  I am such a visionary!"

Aph's Image:  [Squeals]

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X:  "I wantcha to head for the river.  Make sure they see you."

Thug's Voice:  "I can see the hoofprints!"

Baldy:  "Ha-ha-- they went this way.  Come on!"

Thugs' Voices:  "Yeah."  "Ha-ha-ha-ha.  "We'll see how tough Xena
is."  "Yeah."  "We'll-- " 

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G:  "Tyrella's stepmother reached out with her long, grotesque--
"

Ale [Interrupts]:  "Wait!  I know what happens next."

Jox:  "Mm-hmm?"

Ale:  "Tyrella takes the clippings-- "

Jox:  "Mm-hmm?"

Ale:  "-- and _stabs_ her evil stepmother-- _over_ and _over_ and
_over_ and _over_ again."

G:  "N-no-- no.  Tyrella deals with her problems-- in-in a more
postive way."

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Aph/Pel:  "Mommy!  My stupid stepsister's ruined everything!"

Aph/Pel and X/Stepm:  "Tyrella!

Tyr:  "La-la-la-la.  Yes, stepmother, dear?"

X/Stepm:  "Can't you do anything right?"

Tyr:  "There is nothing wrong with the dress.  You anger is
misplaced.  It's a convenient way to avoid your deeeper
emotions-- the same way that your mistreatment of me and my
belongings-- is your way to avoid intimacy.  You both need to get
in touch with your inner child."

X/Stepm:  "You gettin' any of this?"

Aph/Pel:  "Mm-mmm."

Aph's Voice:  [Laughs]

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Aph:  "What a riot!"  [Laughs]

G:  "And I suppose you could do better."

Aph:  "Puhleeze!  You didn't know your Auntie Aphrodite can tell
stories, didja?  Well, I make `em sizzle.  OK, here's what really
happens."

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Aph/Stepm:  "Whoo!  Time for a breather.  But if ya can't take
the heat, boys-- stay outta my kitchen.  Hmm-- Pelia-- where are
you, my vixen?"

X/Pel:  "I'm here, Mother.  I'm as dry as a lizard.  Where's the
hagster to bring us some beverages?"

Aph/Stepm:  "Good question."

Aph/Stepm and X/Pel:  "Tyrella!"

Aph/Step:  "Love the outfit, Tyrella."

Tyr:  "Hmmm."

Aph/Stepm and X/Pel:  "Not!"

Jox:  "Ooh.  Ooh.  Well-- hello, you cuckoo, crazy chicks.  I,
uh-- have a message from that royal hipster-- the prince."

Aph/Stepm:  "Ooh-- the prince.  I knew I smelled money."

X/Pel:  "Oh, that prince-- I knew he couldn't stay away from me
forever."

Jox:  "The prince wishes to invite all good-lookin' chicks to his
royal ball, tonight.  From those, he's gonna pick a bride.  Ya
dig?"

Aph/Stepm:  "Ooh-- "

X/Pel [Interrupts]:  "A bride?"

Aph/Stepm [Interrupts]:  "-- a bride."

Tyr:  "A royal party-- ha-ha!  I'm so excited!"

Jox:  "Ooh-- that chick is square, baby."

X/Pel:  "Uh-- loser."

Aph/Stepm:  "Exsqueeze me?  What are _you_ so psyched about?
Honey, the prince is lookin' for a babe, not a heifer."

Tyr:  [Laughs]

X/Pel:  [Chuckles]

Aph/Stepm:  "Show her, Pelia."

X/Pel:  "Right, Ma."

Jox:  "Hhuh?  Hmm.  [Hums]  Ho-ho-- yeah!"

X's Voice:  "Stop right there!"

Jox:  "Ow-w-w."

Tyr:  "Hmm?"

Aph/Stepm:  "Hmm?"

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Zan:  "Aah, it was just gettin' good!"

X:  "Don't say another word.  Aphrodite-- I thought you were out
of this."

Aph:  "I am.  I am.  I'm done."

X:  "You all right?"

Ale:  "Mm-hmm?"

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X:  "Huh?"

G [Startles]:  "Oh!  Xena!"

X:  "Still mad at me?  Tell ya what-- I'll cook-- you go on with
your story."

G:  "My story.  Oh.  All right."

Ale:  "Gabrielle-- who were all those men at Tyrella's house?"

Jox:  "Hmm."

G:  "They were swimming instructors."

Ale:  "Oh.  Did Tyrella ever go to the party?"

G:  "Well, she really _wanted_ to go to the party."

X's Voice:  "Gabrielle, where's the frying pan?"

G:  "It's in my pack, where it always is."

X:  "Oh, yeah."

G:  "See?  Tyrella didn't have anything really pretty to wear.
Huh."

X's Voice:  "What about spoons?"

G:  "It's in the saddlebag!  Tyrella was hoping for a miracle."

X:  "Ya got any butter and sugar?"

G:  "Xena, _I'll_ do it.  Joxer?"

Jox:  "Hmm?"

G:  "You wanna eat?  Work for it.  You pick up the
story-telling."

Jox:  "Um-- "

G's Voice:  "Xena, give me the pan, before you hurt someone."

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Aph:  "Hey-- tall, dark, and gruesomes."

Baldy:  "Who are you?"

Aph:  "Aphrodite-- goddess of love?  I have a proposition for
you."

Thugs:  [Laugh]

Aph:  "Not _that_ kind of proposition.  You guys want your
brother back, right?  I can help you if you do me a favor."

Baldy:  "What kind of favor?"

Aph:  "Xena's got my little girl.  You help me get her back--
I'll help you get Zantar.  You scratch my back, I'll scratch
yours."

Thugs:  [Laugh]

Thug's Voice:  "Scratch!"

Aph:  "Stop it!  You know what I mean."

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[ACT II]

Jox:  "OK.  [Clears throat]  Let's see, um.  Uh-- OK, OK.  Uh,
well, uh-- it was the night of the-- big party-- and he was
_very_-- "

Ale [Interrupts]:  "`He'?  Don't you mean, `She'?"

Jox:  "How old are you?"

Ale:  "Seven"

Jox:  "Ya wanna be eight?  It was `He'."

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Jox's Voice:  "Now-- he was very excited.  And _his_ name was-- "

Pelio and Zan/Stepfather [Zan/Stepf]:  "Tyro!"

Tyro:  "Oh.  Oh.  Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!
Ow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w!  Hey-- hello, Step-- father, dear--
Stepbrother, dear."

Zan/Stepf:  "Tyro the clumsy strikes again."

Tyro:  "It was an accident."

Pelio:  "_You_ were the accident."

Tyro:  "Oh!  Ah."

Pelio:  "What's the get-up?"
  
Tyro:  "Oh, ya like it?  I was sewing it all day for the royal
ball tonight."

Zan/Stepf [Chuckles]:  "Well-- if that's the case-- those-- pants
need adjusting-- right, Pelio?"

Tyro:  "Oh, you think?  I thought they might be a little long in
the [Falsetto] cro-o-o-o-o-otch!"  

Zan/Stepf:  "Whaddya say to your stepbrother?"

Tyro [Helium Voice]:  "Thanks, Stepbrother dear."

Zan/Stepf:  "Don't be an idiot, idiot.  You can't wear that.
You've got _no_ way to get there-- no-- _social_ skills to speak
of.  In short-- you're not going."

Tyro:  "Oh!"

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X:  "Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story."

G:  "Yes, we should.  Where's the oil?"

X:  "In the saddlebag.  It's just he's making him sound like such
a victim."

G:  "Oh, I didn't hear _you_ volunteer."

X:  "No?  Well, I'm not much of a story-teller.  I'm, uh-- I'm
more a woman of action."

G:  "Great.  Take action and get some water.  I'm gonna poach the
fish."

X:  "I'm all over it."

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Tyro:  "I didn't wanna go to a stupid party, anyway."

X/Harmonia [X/Har]:  "Tyro the mighty."

Tyro:  "Kick a man when he's down."

X/Har:  "I'm here to help.  Of course, if you're not _interested_
in going to the party, then I-- "

Tyro [Interrupts]:  "Royal party?  No!  I'd love to go.  Wait a
minute-- who are you?"

X/Har:  "Harmonia-- fairy godsmother, at your service.  Let's
see-- you're going to need a new outfit and a ride and-- what
else?"

Tyro:  "Well-- let's see, I could u-use!  Use!  Social skills."

X/Har:  "Trust me, you'll have many skills."

Tyro:  "Oh."

X/Har:  "But remember, my spell only lasts until sunup-- in other
words-- when the sand runs out-- so must you."

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X:  "Here's some more water.  I saw Zantar's men head down across
the river.  I'm gonna go down there and deal with them."

G:  "What do you want from me?  My skirt?  My boots?  Hmm-- my
underwear?  Ha-ha."

X:  "Oh, no, that would be too cruel."

Ale:  "What happens next, Joxer?"

Jox:  "Well-- "

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Jox's Voice:  "-- the royal party was in full swing.  Ah, it was
a gala event.  There were rubies upon the rubies, and diamonds
upon the diamonds."

Tyro [Hums]:  "Hmm."

Princess [Pri]:  "What a hunk of a man."

Tyro:  "Mm-- hmm.  [Chuckles]  They're playing our song."

Pelio:  "Who's the new guy?"

Zan/Stepf:  "I don't know.  But check out his social skills."

Pri:  "You dance divinely."

Tyro:  "I know.  Yeah.  Ha!  Hey!  Ha-ha!  Ha!  Ha-ha!  Watch
this!  Ha.  Ha-ha!  Whoa!"

Tyro [Sings]:  "When I look at you,
My eyes begin to bloom.
My heart begins to zoom,
And I'm in heaven.

Pri:  "When I dance with you,
My head sails to the moon.
My feet sing out a tune
And I'm in heaven.

Both:  "Nobody has ever made me
Feel quite like this.
Tyro:  My palms perspire.
Pri:  My stomach churns.
Both:  I know this must be bli-- iss.

Both:  "Is yours the sweet angel face--
That I've been dreaming of?
Tyro:  I'm in heaven.
All:  He's in heaven.
Both:  When I'm with you,
I'm in-- heaven."

Tyro:  "Ooh!  That-- gee!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Oh!  My pants!  Ooh!
Ooh!  Oh!  Bye!"

Princess:  "Wait!  Wait!  My shoe!

Tyro:  "I'll send it later!  Ooh!  Ooh!  Excuse me.  Ooh!"

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Jox:  "The handsome and dashing Tyro hurried and hurried-- but it
was too late-- for as he looked at his hourglass, the last grain
of sand-- "

X:  "Where's Alesia?"

Jox:  "She's-- Alesia?  Alesia?!"

X's Voice:  "Alesia!"

Jox:  "Alesia?!"

Zan:  "She wandered off.  Can't say I blame her after hearing
your story.  If I wasn't tied up, I'd _kill_ ya!"

X:  "Shut up.  Gabrielle?"

G:  "I was cooking."

X:  "I left you in charge."

G:  "Are you saying it's _my_ fault that she ran away again?"

X:  "It's far too dangerous for a little girl to be out here on
her own.  I'm gonna go after her, and you two-- "

G:  "Ow!"

Jox:  "Uh."

X:  "-- stay right here."

Jox:  "Ow!"

X's Voice:  "Alesia?!"

G:  "I can't believe she's _blaming_ me for this."

X's Voice:  "Alesia!"

Jox:  "I can."

Aph/Old Woman:  "Hurry!"

Jox:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h!"

Aph/Old Woman:  "Help me.  Down by the river-- these men!  They
attacked me."

Jox:  "Huh?"

Aph/Old Woman:  "Please."

G:  "Zantar's men.  Sorry.  Xena wanted to stop them.  I'll do
it.  You stay here!"

Jox:  "No."

G's Voice:  "Stay there!"

Jox:  "Wait a min-- I-- I can-- I can do it!  Oh, great.  Well--
at least, that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around.  Huh!  What
an airhead.  Talk about your half-wits.  She's half-baked-- and
half-dressed!"

Aph:  "Hmm."

Jox [Laughs]:  "Hello, Aphro-- dite."

Aph:  "Outta my way, stud-muffin.  Where's my little
cutesy-wootsy-poo?  My little _beauty_ queen?!  Wha-- ?  Where is
she?"

Jox:  "You mean-- Alesia?"

Aph:  "Uh-huh?"

Jox:  "She's gone."

Aph:  "Gone?  Whaddya mean, gone?"

Zan:  "Lookin' for the girl?  I can get her for ya."

Aph:  "Really.  How do ya propose to do that?"

Jox:  "Yeah."

Zan:  "What about him?"

Aph:  "That's easy."

Jox:  "Hmm."

Aph:  "Hm-m-m-m.  Let's talk."

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X:  "Alesia?!"

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[ACT III]

X:  "Alesia?!  [Whispers]  Alesia.  [Normal Voice]  Hang on,
Alesia!"

Ale:  "Xena!"

X:  "I'm coming!  Hold tight.  Hold tight.  I'm coming.  I'm not
far away, sweetheart.  OK.  Come on, Alesia.  Let go of it.
There you go.  All right?"

Ale:  "I got too close to the edge-- and fell."

X:  "OK, well, hold on around my neck.  OK.  All right, I-I
gotcha.  Now, come on.  Why did you run away?!"

Ale:  "Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?"

X:  "Well, that's a good point, bu-- all fairy tales have a
purpose.  And even when Joxer tells them there's a message
there."

Ale:  "Yeah-- run."

X:  "Come on.  Let's get back to camp.  Hop up.  All right!  Here
we go."

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X:  "Joxer."

Ale:  "Joxer!  They didn't hurt you, did they?"

Jox:  "No-- I was ambushed.  It was Aphrodite."

X:  "Where's Zantar?!" 

Jox:  "He went off with Aphrodite.  She's disguised as an old
lady."

G's Voice:  "Xena."

X:  "Where were you?"

G:  "I went to look for Zantar's men.  They were beating up
this-- this old woman."

X:  "Gabrielle, the old woman was Aphrodite."

G:  "Now, how was I supposed to know that?"

X:  "Did Aphrodite say anything to Zantar?"

Jox:  "Yeah, yeah.  She said something about, uh-- going to an
old castle and-- she wants Alesia."

X:  "Come on, Alesia."

Jox:  "Don't feel bad.  Aphrodite almost fooled me, too."

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Ale:  "I wanna hear the rest of the story."

X:  "All right, well let me tell ya what _really_-- "

Jox:  "Ow!"

X:  "-- happened."

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X's Voice:  "Tyrella had a stepfamily all right, but no one
pushed her around.  One day, Tyrella was busy-- sharpening her
sword-- when-- "

Ale's Voice:  "Xena-- shouldn't Tyrella wear a dress?  If
Tyrella's a girl-- isn't she supposed to have a step_mother_?"

Zan/Stepm:  "Tyrella?!  What have you been doing all morning?!"

X/Tyr:  "Well, let's see, I, uh-- I fought a warlord, saved a
village, and rescued a burning wagon full of orphans."

Zan/Stepm:  "Hmm.  Just as I thought-- lolly-gagging again!  Do
some _real_ work for a change."

Baldy/Pelia:  "Mother!  The prince is coming!"

Zan/Stepm:  "The prince?!  Here?  Honestly, Tyrella!  You can't
wear that!  You'll be the shame of us all!  Oh.  Your Highness."

Prince [Clears throat]:  "Ladies-- I'm-- looking to wed the
woman-- who fits this shoe."

Baldy/Pel:  "I'll try it on."

2nd Stepsister [2nd Steps]:  "Let me."

Baldy/Pel:  "It's _my_ size!"

Prince:  "Please.  How about-- you?  Would you care to try it on?
If it fits-- I can promise you a happy ending."

X/Tyr:  "Wow.  You know what, Prince?  You seem like a real nice
fella, so I'm gonna make this nice and simple for ya.  I don't
need _you_, or a fairy godsmother, or anyone else to give me a
happy ending.  That's something that I'll get-- or I won't get--
all my own self.  So I suggest you peddle this shoe someplace
else."

Prince:  "But-- you could be a princess."

X/Try:  "Come on."

Prince:  "You could live in a castle.  Ouch!  My-- royal bottom!
Ow!"

Zan/Stepm:  "So-- the prince won't marry _either_ of you
beauties.  Well-- if we can't get to his crown jewels that way--
we'll just have to-- cut and run!"  [Laughter]

Fairy Godssister [F G]:  "Tyrella?  Tyrella?  Tyrella?  Oh!"

X/Tyr:  "What do you want?"

F G:  "Your stepmother and stepsister are going to rob the
kingdom of the crown's jewels.  You have to stop them."

X/Tyr:  "Right, I'm on it."

F G:  "Wait!  I am your fairy godssister.  Don't you want my
help?"

X/Tyr:  "Yeah, could you get rid of those dishes?  The place is a
mess."

F G:  "If that's how I'm most useful to you-- my pleasure."

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G:  "After all we've been through-- that's what you think of me?
The fairy godssister of dishes?  Xena-- that's my only use to
you?"

X:  "Oh, come on.  It was just a story.  I just meant we were
like family, and in a family--"

G:  "You have _no_ idea how useful I am.  I'm out of here--
that's it.  I need space."

X:  "Gabrielle-- "

G:  "Doh!"

X:  "Oh-- she'll-- she'll be back.  She does this all the time.
Right, Joxer?  She's just crazy.  Gabrielle?!"

Ale:  "This isn't going to have a happy ending, is it?"

X:  "Well-- "

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[ACT IV]

Ale:  "Daddy!"

Jox:  "I'll get the ropes."

King:  "Alesia, my darling.  Are you OK?"

Ale:  "Yes, I'm all right-- thanks to Xena."

King:  "I have missed you so much."

Queen:  "We both have."

X:  "What happened here?"

Queen:  "Zantar and his brothers have stolen the crown jewels.
You may be too late."

X:  "We'll see about that."

King:  "Thank you, Xena.  We were so worried."

X:  "No problem."

King:  "Now-- you and me and your stepmother are going to try to
be happy-- all right?"

Ale:  "Xena!  Wait!  I wanna go with you and be a hero like
Tyrella!"

Queen:  "Alesia, wait!"

Ale:  "But I wanna go with Xena!"

X:  "Sweetheart, you can't."

Ale:  "What about my happy ending?"

X:  "You're going to get a happy ending-- I promise you that.  I
need to ask you to do something for me.  Would you?

Ale:  "OK"

X:  "Go in there.  And I want you to talk.  And that's an order
from your fairy godsmother."

King:  "What _are_ you doing?"

X:  "Trust me, your Highness.  They need to be alone."

Thug:  "Heavy crown jewels!"  [Laughter]

X:  "Just leave them in there a while-- a few days oughtta do
it."

King:  "All right, Xena-- whatever you say."

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G:  "Aphrodite?!  I know you can hear me!  Woop!  Sorry!  Whoop!
Clumsy me!"

Aph:  "OK!  Chill the `tude, Miss Thing-- I'm here."

G:  "I want you to leave Alesia alone."

Aph:  "She came to me.  You heard what she said.  She hates her
family."

G:  "All I see is this confused, little girl.  She doesn't
realize how much she misses her family-- all these people who
love her.  If you don't stop meddling, you're going to break them
up."

Aph:  "I just wanted a happy ending for her." 

G:  "No, you just want your happy ending-- regardless of her.
Tell me, Miss Expert-- is that what you call love?  It's just a
thought."

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Jox:  "Oh!  Oh, I'm sorry!  I'm sorry!"

X:  "What-- are you doing?"

Jox [Clears throat]:  "Well look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, you
know?  I'm-I'm-I'm your-- comrade-in-arms-- your-your wingman.
Look-- you're the comet-- and I'm Ajax.  You're the Achilles--
and I'm you heel."

X:  [Growls]

Jox:  "Don't you see?  Look-- with these fists of fury-- you'll
have-- no problem-- beatin' anybody!  Watch!  Every muscle is
tight.  Notice the action.  Ow!  Oh, my mouth hurts!  Is there a
problem?"

X:  "I'm going after Zantar.  You stay here, and make sure he
doesn't return to the scene of his crime."

Jox:  "Right!  I'll wait for him.  Wait a minute.  Why would he
come back here?  He's already got all the dough.  Xena?!  Wait!"

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Ale:  "Help!  Somebody!  We're locked in!"

Queen:  "Is it really so bad to be locked in here with me?"

Ale:  "I hate you."

Queen:  "Really?  Well, I'm glad Xena locked us in here.  It'll
give us a chance to talk."

Ale:  "I'll never talk to you.  You're evil."

Queen:  "Your father likes me."

Ale:  "You put a spell on him.  I'll never like you."

Queen:  "What did I do?"

Ale:  "You stole my daddy from me."

Queen:  "No, I didn't.  He's just as much yours as he always
was."

Ale:  "No, he's not.  Now he's yours."

Queen:  "How about we make him ours?"

Ale:  "Well--"

Queen:  "Alesia-- I know it's been hard-- since your mother died.
But-- I want you to know-- I really care about you."

Ale:  "You do?"

Queen:  "Yes.  And your father's told me all about you-- and how
you like stories.  Can't we have a happy ending?"

Ale:  "I thought every story had a happy ending-- but now I don't
know.  Because of me-- Zantar stole the crown jewels-- and
Gabrielle left Xena forever.  I've ruined everything."  [Cries]

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-------------------------------

Jox [Raspberry]:  "Sidekick.  I am ten _times_ the sidekick
Gabrielle is.  Now, Zantar-- if I ever see that-- big-- fat--
porky, bulbous, behemoth of a hippo-- I'm gonna tell him-- what a
_great_ guy he is."

Zan:  "Now we have a little insurance-- in case Xena gets in our
way."

X:  "Nice plan-- if I cared."

Jox:  "She-- cares.  She's just kidding.  Ha-ha!  Ha!  You're not
laughing."

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-------------------------------

Queen:  "Don't cry, my princess.  Why, I bet Tyrella would do
_just_ what Xena would."

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[Fight]

X/Tyr:  "Leave the prince alone!"

Zan/Stepm:  "Tyrella!  Don't be such a party pooper!  You'll get
your share!  After all-- we're family!"

Zan:  "If we can't have you and your money-- no one can."

G/F G:  "Pardon the dishpan hands!"

Prince's Voice:  "It's a man!"

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X:  "So Tyrella arrested her stepmother and her stepsisters.  She
saved the prince.  And she retrieved the family jewels."

Ale:  "Did she and the prince-- get married, and live happily
ever after?"

X:  "Uh-- no.  No, but she and her fairy godssister did make a
pact.  From now on, they would help one another be all that they
could be."

Aph [Laughs]:  "Yadda, yadda, yadda.  Talk about your sappy
stories.  Look, kid-- we had some fun-- didn't we?  But this love
thing-- it's just not something I can teach ya.  It's something
ya gotta learn on your own.  And this is as good a place as any--
`cause there's a lotta love here-- from your dad _and_ your
stepmom."

Ale:  "My stepmother-- she doesn't love me."

Aph:  "Oh, yes she does.  Take it from me.  I know about these
things."

Ale:  "OK."

X:  "Aphrodite-- if you wanted Alesia back, how come you didn't
just put a spell on her?"

Aph:  "Duh-h-- if I had done that, I'd never know if she really
wanted me."

X:  "So you really care about her."

Aph:  "Me?  Care about a mortal?  As if."

X:  "Gabrielle, why'd you come back?"

G:  "It was-- what you said about being a family.  I realized
that every family has their problems.  But what's important-- is
that we stay together.  We work it out."

Queen:  "What was that for?"

Ale:  "No reason.  Can't a girl hug her mom?"

X:  "Aw-w-w-w.  Bye, your Highness."

Queen:  "Thank you, Xena."

Ale:  "Goodbye, Xena."

X:  "So-- anyone heard any good stories lately?"

G:  "Actually-- I've been working on one.  It's a story of a
wooden boy."

Ale:  "Bye!"

G:  "And every time he tells a lie-- "

X [Interrupts]:  "Goodbye, Alesia."

G:  "-- his nose keeps growing and growing-- until it's _really_
long." 

Jox:  "Or he could be a monkey-- and his tail gets smaller."

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