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“A Serpent’s Tooth”  Episode 18/118


1st Man’s Voice:  “This cow belongs to me, Prince Jason!”

2nd Man Voice:  “He’s lying, my prince!  I raised this cow from a
tiny calf with my two hands!  You have no idea the amount of time
and money-- !”

Aide:  “I believe you already told that story.”

Ja:  “Yeah, like twice.”

I:  “Uh, sorry.  Don’t let us interrupt you.”

H:  “Yeah.  My point though, huh?”

Aide:  “This is the throne room-- not some common courtyard!
Leave now!”

Ja:  “Look-- I don’t know who’s cow it is!”

Aide:  “Prince Jason-- when you become ruler, you must appear to
know-- everything.”

Ja:  “All right.  You get the cow.  I’ll give _you_ one-- from
the royal herd-- a royal cow.  Everybody’s happy.  Everybody has
a cow.  Moo, moo, moo.  See ya later.”

Aide:  “There is-- one more petitioner.”

Ja [Sighs]:  “Aw, come one-- you said that three petitioners ago.
Can I go, now?  I just wanna play!  Hi!”

Discord-in-disguise [Dis-in-disguise]:  “The Babylonian Sibyl
wishes to present to the crown prince this-- sacred stone-- in
honor-- of his coming coronation.”

Ja:  “You know what they say?  Never quibble with a Sibyl.”

Aide:  [Chuckles]

Dis-in-disguise:  “The Sibyl says the stone will bring good
fortune to the ruler who possesses it.”

Ja:  “Oh!  Well, on behalf of the people of Corinth-- we thank
the Sibyl.”

Dis-in-disguise:  “The sibyl says, ‘You’re welcome.’”

Ja:  “Jason says, ‘My pleasure.  Be good.  [Chuckles]  See ya.’”

Aide:  “Well done, your Highness.”

Ja:  “Huh?  [Mouths]  Yeah.”


Dis-in-disguise:  “Hmm-- I’m glad that didn’t take long.”

Strife [Clears throat]:  “It didn’t-- did it?  [Laughing] I got
all dressed up!”

Dis-in-disguise:  “Chin up, Strife.  Just think how impressed
Ares will be-- when we’ve destroyed Corinth.”  [They laugh]


Ja:  “Yo-- if anybody else needs me-- forget it-- ‘cause I’m
gonna go outside and _play_.”

H:  “But-- where’s the-- ball?  No-- ‘cause somebody fell on it.”

I:  “I was push”

Ja:  “Ah-- how’d that happpen?”

I:  “Hey, what’s this?  Looks like a rock.”

Ja:  “Yeah, it’s a-- Babylonian rock.”

H:  “I wish I was a prince, huh?  Nobody ever gives me rocks.”

I:  “Yeah-- you know?  It’s not so heavy.  Maybe, uh-- maybe it

Ja:  “Uhhh-- don’t-- don’t do that.”

I:  “Oh, yeah.  Ha-ha-ha!  Whaddya think?  Huh?  Huh-h-h?
Football game?  All right!”

H:  “Sh, sh, sh-- no talky, talky; no talky, talky.  Just play,

I:  “Come here.  Ooh-oh!  Ooh!  Uhh!  Oh!  Huh.”

[Birth of a basilisk]



H:  “What is that thing?!”  

Ja:  “It was a gift from the Babylonian Sibyl until-- somebody
broke it.”

I:  “Do you know where she got it?  Maybe we can, uh-- take it
back and exchange it.  I guess he was, uh-- hungry-- huh?”

H:  “No, don’t.”

Ja:  “Stick your arm in his mouth.  See if he likes meat.”

H:  “No-- hey, don’t.  He’s joking.”

I:  “Uh-- I think he’s kinda cute.  [Chuckles]  Don’t be afraid,
little guy.  I’m, uh-- just gonna, uh-- hey, you, uh-- you want
some, uh-- you want some grapes?  Whoa, whoa!  Huh?  Hey, I think
he likes me.  He must think I’m his mother, or something.”

H:  “You know what?  You probably look like her.”

I:  “Oh.”

Ja:  “Oh.”

H:  “Oh.”

I:  “I gotta call you something.  How about-- how about Ruff?
OK, so, uh-- hi, Ruff.  [Chuckles]  Uh-- my name’s Iolaus.  Do
you, uh-- do you wanna be my friend?”

Ja:  “Motherhood is such a-- beautiful thing.”

H:  “Oh, it brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it?”

I:  “No harm done.  I’ll just, uh-- just, uh-- clean it up.  Oh!
No!  Hey!  Where’s he going?!”


Strife:  “How long does it take-- for a-- _basilisk_ to-- hatch,
or-- [Chuckling] whatever?”  [Screams]

Dis-in-disguise:  “Not long, apparently.”

Strife:  “That basilisk sure is a squirmy little thing, isn’t

Dis-in-disguese:  “Hercules is coming.”

I:  “Ruff!  He musta gone this way.”


I:  “Ruff!  Ruff!”

Ja:  “Ha-ha.  Iolaus, you sound like a dog.”

H:  “Hey, you know what?  He’s probably lookin’ for food.”

I:  “Yeah-- at the market!”

H:  “The market-- good.”

Ja:  “Hey, Hercules-- explain to me-- why are we chasin’ after
this Ruff?”

H:  “Uh, well-- ”

Woman’s Voice:  [Screams]


H:  “Don’t you throw that spear!”

Ja:  “I’m Prince Jason of Corinth, and that creature belongs to

Bearded Man:  “Yeah?!  Well, we’re not _from_ Corinth-- and the
food that thing’s eatin’ belongs to us.”

Ja:  “Aw-- well, you’re probably not hungry now, anyway.  Nice

H:  “Thanks.  You OK?  I’m on your side.”


Ja:  “Thanks!”

H:  “Hey-- any time.  Hey-- where’s Ruff?”

Ja:  “Huh?”


I:  “Hang on, Ruff!  I’m coming!  Hey!  Hey!  Back off!  Leave
him alone!  Back off!  Leave him alone!  Leave him alone!  You
OK?  Yeah?  OK, now he may _look_ like a monster-- OK, and he
_is_-- but-- he’s just a _baby_-- OK?!  He’s harmless!
disgusting, but-- harmless.”

Man’s Voice:  “It’s a freak!”

H:  “Uh-- excuse me.”

Ja:  “Excuse me.”

I:  “Hang on, buddy, I’m comin’ to getcha!”

H:  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!  Listen, whaddya think you’re
doin’?!  You know you can’t s swim!”

I:  “Well-- ”

H:  “I don’t wanna have to save the both ’a ya.”

I:  “Well, go!”

Ja:  “Be careful!”

I:  “Can you see him?!”

H’s Voice:  “I got him!”

Ja:  “He’s got him.  He’s got him!”

I:  “Is he OK?!”

H’s Voice:  “I can’t tell!  Pull up.  Pull up!  Pull me up!”

I:  “Oh, man.”

H:  “Listen-- I don’t think he’s breathin’.”

I:  “Uh-- well, we gotta _revive_ him!  Someone’s gotta--
someone’s gotta blow air into his mouth.”

Ja:  “All right, well, uh-- well, you’re his mother.  Y-you do

I:  “Yeah.  Uh-- uh-- hmm-- hell-- uh [Coughs]-- uh-- I think
there’s-- something blocking  the entrance.  There’s something in
his throat.”

H:  “Uh-- hold on.  Lemme try something.  Come here.  Come on up.
Easy.  Easy.  OK-- here we go.  There’s a bunch ’a loose rocks
down there.  Maybe he swallowed one, you know?  OK-- here we go.”

I:  “Come on.”

Ja:  “Popped right out!”  

H:  “Ah, are you all right?!  Don’t ever do that again!”

I:  “Aw, man.”

H:  “Hey, Iolaus.”

Dis:  “Mmmmm.”

Strife:  “Um-- is that the sound of a crowd fleeing in terror as
Corinth is destroyed?  Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Uh-- no!  [Buzzing Sound]
It’s the sound of the crowd cheering for _Hercules_ and his pals
and their little pet!  Nah!  Uncle Ares is gonna be _so-o-o-o_
impressed.  He-he-he-- he’s just gonna go all-- warm and fuzzy,
inside.  Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-- ”

Dis [Interrupting]:  “Oh-- go soak your head!”

Strife [Interrupting]:  [Scream]

Dis:  “I try so hard to teach him to be patient.  The basilisk is
still a baby!  It takes time for his venom to take effect!”


Dis:  “The fun’s started.”  [They laugh]

Strife:  “Like it.”



I’s Voice:  “Hey, uh, now that the fire’s out, you guys wanna see
what I taught Ruff?  Huh?”

I:  “OK, Ruff-- ready?  Wanna fetch?  Yeah?  Hoo!  Ah.  Go!
Awww.  Thank you.”

Aide:  “The captain of the guard-- reports that no one was seen
setting the fires.”

H:  “Some people can only be seen when they wanna be seen-- you
know what I mean?”

I:  “Fetch!  Ooh!”

Ja:  “Maybe it was one of the gods.”

Aide:  “The people are worried, Prince Jason.  I suggest you make
a speech, encouraging them.  Now-- this is a standardm reassuring
speech, suitable for any calamity.”

I:  “Oh.  Oh.  Ruff?”

Aide:  “Perhaps you could devote more attention to your duties if
you put that _thing_ outside!”

I:  “Hey!  His name is Ruff, and he’s not a thing!  He’s a-- he--
he’s a-- ”

Aide:  “-- pain-- in the neck!  Oh!  Oh!  No!  Oh!  Yuck!”

I [Interrupting]:  “Oh, Ruff-- no.  Hey, now, calm down, calm
down.  It’s OK.  He only does that when he feels threatened.
I’ll get it _cleaned_ for you.”

Ja:  “Hey, well, listen, you’re gonna have to send it out--
‘cause the palace laundry burned in the fires.”

I:  “Well, I’m takin’ Ruff with me.  “Let’s roll.”

H:  “Jason-- you know that towel that Iolaus used to wipe off
that goop that Ruff spit on him?”

I:  “Come on, buddy.”

H:  “That was in the laundry that caught on fire, wasn’t it?”

Ja:  “Yeah, I think so.”

H:  “And that inn that burnt down, was that the one we had to
rescue Ruff from?”

Ja:  “Yeah, and there was a fire-- near the well that Ruff fell

H [Sighs]:  “Listen-- when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me
this story about a monster, called a basilisk.  OK?  It’s venom--
could turn a man to ashes.”

Ja:  “Yeah, I heard that too, but’s that’s just a legend.
Nobody’s ever actually seen a basilisk.”

H:  “Oh, yeah?  I think maybe we just have.”


I:  “OK, now I want you two guys to-- ah-- shake hands, OK?
Shake hands?  Hey.”

Older Boy:  “My dog can do that.”

Older Boy’s Voice:  “I bet he’s not any smarter than a dog-- is

I:  “I don’t know.  I haven’t asked him.”

Older Boy:  “My father gave me a dog.”

I’s Voice:  “Yeah, well, my father gave me a dog, too.”

I:  “Well-- he didn’t, but he-- he-- said he was going to.”

I’s Voice:  “I guess he just forgot-- huh.”

Man:  “What kind ’a stain’s that?  Oh!”

Woman’s:  “Oh!”

Man:  “Oh!  Oh-- ah-ah-ahh!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa-whoa!  Whoa!”

H:  “That venom only hit that cloak, like a couple minutes ago.
Looks like it gets stronger as it gets bigger, or something.”

I:  “What are you talkin’ about?  What venom?”

H:  “We think that Ruff is a basilisk.”

I:  “A basilisk.”

H:  “Yes.”

I:  “Come on, they don’t exist.  Ruff’s real.  He’s a-- he’s a--
where’d he go?”


Merchant Woman:  “Get away from my fruit!”  [Screams]

H:  “Excuse me-- Miss?  There you go.”

Merchant Woman:  “Why, you-- !”

H:  “Uh-- ”


I:  “Ruff!  Ruff!  Where are you?”

Strife:  “Hey-- don’t be afraid, little basilisk.  We’re all
friends, here.  Ha-ha.”

Dis:  “Boo!”

H:  “Over here!  Help me with this table!”

Man’s Voice:  “Water!”

I:  “Oh, there he is.  OK, Ruff, it’s OK, buddy.  No, no, no, no,
don’t leave!  Come here!  Uh-- hey, little buddy.  It’s OK.  It’s
OK.  It’s-- oh!  Oh!  Ah-- thanks.”

Ja:  “My pleasure.”

H:  “More water!”

Strife:  “Why is everybody always in such a hurry?!”

H:  “Strife-- I should ’a known you were behind all this!”

Strife:  “And, Discord’s behind me.  Anybody behind you?”

H:  “Well, you won’t be laughin’ when I get through with you.”

Strife:  “Aah-- n-no-no time for that.  You’ve got bigger fish to

Dis:  “And I think I smell them frying right now.”

Strife:  “Woooh!”  [Strife and Dis laugh.]

Strife:  “Bang!”

I:  “Oh, he’s doing it again.  Oh!  OK, uh-- you don’t-- you
don’t have to be afraid!  A-ha.  Maybe, I do.”

Ja:  “Ah.  Uh!”

H:  “Hold on.  I got a plan.  Here we go.  Charge!”  [Ja, H, and
I yell]

H:  “Halt!  OK.  Here it is.  Here it is.  Ruff?  Ruff?  Ruff,
buddy, this [?] looks good, huh?  It looks good.  OK, Ruff-- ”

I:  “Don’t hurt him!”

H’s Voice:  “It’s OK.”

Ja:  “Get him!  Well-- get him lightly!”

Strife:  “Whoa-- nice catch, Hercules.”

Strife’s Voice:  “The whole town’s a barbecue, and I forget to
bring my marshmallows!  Guess you weenies’ll have to do!  Ha-ha!”

All:  [Laugh]

H:  “All right, Barney [?].”

Strife:  “Let’s not tell, uh-- Uncle Ares about this, huh?
Whaddya say?”

Dis:  “Ahhhhhh!”

Ja:  “Man, it must really burn Strife to lose to you.”

H:  “I know.  I’n’t it great?  But he’ll be back.”


Villagers:  “Two.  One-- two.  One-- two.  One-- two.  One--

H:  “Well-- that’s the last ’a the fires!”

All:  [Cheer]

Men’s Voices:  “All right!”  “Yeah!  Hooray!”

Ja:  “Don’t worry, good people!  The palace will pay to repair
the damages!”

I:  “All right!”

Ja:  “I’m afraid I’m gonna have to do more than just make
repairs.  As the Crown Prince, I’m gonna have to make sure this
doesn’t happen again.”

I:  “Uh-- oh, oh, uh, uh-- we could, uh-- train Ruff to-- just
spit goo at Strife.  You know, you know?  Kinda like a-- guard
dog.  He could-- guard.  He could-- be a-- hmm.”

Ja:  “No.”

I:  “I can’t keep him, can I?”

H:  “I’m sorry.”

Ja:  “No.”


I:  “Uh-- I really don’t feel right about leavin’ Ruff out here
by himself.  You know?  What if he-- he gets caught by a lion,
or-or something?”

Ja:  “Yeah, he’d turn the lion into toast.”

H:  “According to the legend, there’s basilisks over this rise.”

I:  “Why hasn’t anyone ever seen one, before?”


I:  “What if he’s all alone?  You know?  Just a scared little
baby.  All right-- a-- _loud_, scared little baby.”

H:  “Doesn’t sound like he’s gonna be alone.”

I:  “Well, I guess he’ll be happier with his own kind, huh?”

H’s Voice:  “Goodbye, Ruff.”

Ja’s Voice:  “Take care of yourself.”

I’s Voice:  “Goodbye, little guy.”

I:  “Now I know how my mother must have felt when I left home.”

Ja:  “Yeah-- relieved.  Ha-ha.  Uh.”

H:  “He’ll be all right.  You did the right thing.”


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