Whoosh! Yeah, I am going to blow this Pine Valley popsiscle stand reeeeeal soon, Liza. Reeeeeeal soon.
This is the shocking result
of Pine Valley assimilation

Lena Kundera

March 08, 2004

(Lena appearance)
Last update: 05/08/04

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Lena Kundera (Olga Sosnovska)
Bianca Montgomery
Kendall Hart
Maggie Stone
Simone Torres
Babe Chandler
Lisa Colby


More fun and hi-jinks at Miranda Mona Montgomery's baby shower.


From The Official Site at ABC.com:

No Lena mention.

From About All My Children

No Lena mention

From Soap Slut

The baby shower resumes with present-unwrapping. Absentee Myrtle’s gift is a music box. Lena’s is a down sleeper outfit for the baby. So is Naggie’s but it’s not as nice. Lena does her best to hide a smirk of satisfaction at this.


This all gay recap is by C.K..
Read all the All Gay Re-caps at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAllGayRecap/.


  • More shower.
  • More abortion talk.
  • More Babe saves Bianca’s ass.
  • More Edmund might die blah blahs.
  • Lena manages one line and one mumble.
  • I’m so bored I could spit more often than a llama.

The Set-Up – At the Cabin of Self-Indulgence, Greenlee and Ryan play charades.

At the shower, Bianca repeats VolderBaby’s name. You know, in case we missed it the first twelve times we heard it and rolled our eyes at it.

At the hospital, Bobby shows up with a box of chocolate for Anita even though a shower and a shave would have made her happier.

M&M&M – What Erica really wants is "a powder room" and, by powder room, she means a gallon of bleach with a Pine Sol® chaser.

Bianca: "What was I thinking? […] It’s like I forgot to worry for a second. Mom came, she even smiled, everyone was having such a good time: it’s like I got too excited. But to spring that name on her all of a sudden?"

You think Erica’s issue rests with the name you’ve chosen for VolderBaby? You’re so stupid: it’s almost as if your brain got in the way during a briss.

Kendall: "Wait, wait: hold on. Mimo. I’ve got it: Mimo. We will call her Mimo for short."

Yeah, ‘cause she won’t have enough problems as it is.

Myrtle’s present – an old or antique mini merry-go-round – sends Opal a vision of what the future might be like for VolderTeenager; Lena just twirls her hair and Marian picks on the weakest link.

Marian: "The Carny strongman: that sounds like a wonderful idea. Why don’t you check that out, Mia?"
Mia: "When did I become the desperate one in need of a date?"

I love dumb people. Yes, I’m lying.

Upstairs, Erica opens the faucet – always a dicey predicament with her – and, when Babe checks in on her, pleads with her to "stop Bianca."

Erica: "She is in love with the idea, but she has no concept of the reality."

Judging by the fact that Bianca thought having her rape baby was the only way for her to have a child – science? What’s that? - I find it impossible to give Erica any crap for this.

Erica: "Babe, if Bianca is going to have that child, her life is going to be a tragedy. Please, you’re her friend: save her. Please, somebody has to save her."

What do you want Bianca to do, abort? You stupid demon, she’s about to give birth!

Back downstairs, Bianca opens Lena’s cool present – a fleece-y I don’t know what because all I know about babies is that they burp and need diapers – and then Maggie’s blue something with a hood even though Maggie pleads with her not to open her gift in public ‘cause it stinks. Oh, fine, so Maggie doesn’t say "because it stinks," but she’s clearly thinking it or she would not have asked her not to open it.

Kendall turns on the Kinks full force and pleads with Bianca for a puppy for Mimo.

Kendall: "I promise I will love you and Miranda and Mr. Patches."
Bianca: "And we will love you for it for the rest of our lives."
Kendall: "I will always love you and Mr. Patches and I will always be there for you and your baby."
Bianca: "And we’ll always love you for it no matter what."

I’m beginning to think "Mr. Patches" is a pseudonym.

Lena looks on incredulously while Liza and Opal wax poetic about life with a crabby, sleepless child and only recoups once Marian tells Bianca that giving birth is like pulling one’s lower lip over one’s head. Erica finally reemerges from the powder room and hands Bianca her present: a silver cup of something with a silver spoon to go with it.

Bianca: "I love it."

Of course you do: after all, you’ve just now managed to wean yourself from your own spoon.

After Erica leaves, Bianca thanks Babe for the shower and for having taken the time to check on her mother while she was upstairs.

Bianca: "Did she seem ok to you? […] I mean, did she say anything about me? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but it would really be helpful for me to know if she said anything about the baby."

Good god Bianca, what other signal does Erica need to send? Do you need to see her standing at the foot of your bed holding a hatchet?

Bianca keeps on talking and talking until, finally, she remembers Lamaze class and asks Kendall to be her coach.

Bianca: "I want the woman who pulls through for me every single time: I want it to be you."
Kendall: "I want it to be me, too. I’ll be there before, during and after the delivery: you won’t be able to get rid of me."

Kendall, if Bianca could have you for the conception, she’d take you. Oh, wait.

The Last Scenes – At the hospital, Beastmund tells Chesty LaRue that he’s decided to postpone the surgery and wait until someone, anyone, will give a crap about this story.

At the Cabin of Self-Indulgence, Ryan quotes Bush and sounds just as stupid.

At the shower, Bianca is still talking and boring the living hell out of me.

TOMORROW ON ALL MY CHILDREN: Adam has gifts for Babe; Krystal is glad she’s not Erica; Erica blames David for her condition.


This parody is by LizzieT.

Aidan talked to Maria at the hospital.
Aidan: Ello Maria. Ow is Edmund?
Maria: Still paralyzed. He wants to have an operation that could kill him.
Aidan: Blimey! Whot are yew going tew dew?
Maria: I asked David to talk to him.
Aidan: Divid Awyard? That rotter?
Maria: It was my only option. He was the only one answering the phone over at the Backburner Cafe when I called for reenforcements.

David talked to Edmund.
David: I want to talk to you about that operation that you're planning.
Edmund: What would you know about it? Aren't you a cardiologist?
David: That didn't stop me from acting as Bianca's OB/GYN. Besides, I save lives.
Edmund: So tell me, what would be the worst case scenario if I have the surgery?
David: Your heart could stop.
Edmund: And?
David: You'd be dead.
Edmund: They really spare no expense on the medical advisors for this show do they?

Later Maria talked to Edmund.
Edmund: David came by to talk about the surgery. Maria: David who?
Edmund: Nice try. I've come to a decision. I'm going to postpone the surgery - maybe until May.
Maria: You are?
Edmund: Yes. I don't think I should have life threatening surgery in a non- sweeps month.

Bobby and Anita reconnected.
Bobby: I've missed you so much Anita. But look what I bought you.
Anita: It's beautiful. But our problems go much deeper than this necklace.
Bobby: Please come back to me Anita. I need you.....You know, a couple of newbies talking about their relationship really isn't very interesting.
Anita: Technically we're not newbies. We're recasts of characters who just haven't been on the show in years.
Bobby: Oh, right. So our scenes were interesting after all?
Anita: Not a chance.
Bobby: I can't let you go Anita.
Aidan: Ere, ere, get yew're ands off the lighdy.
Bobby: Who the heck are you?
Aidan: Oi'm the man whot's going tew taws yew owt of ere. Come along mite.
Anita: Wait a minute Aidan. He's my husband.
Aidan: Blimey! This bloke is Bobby Warner? Oi thawght Bobby lewked loik that chap whot yewsed to be on Port Charles. Sorry guvnor. No arm done.

Ryan and Greenlee were still at the cabin.
Cabin: :::sob::::Now I know how the mine shaft felt.:::sob:::
Ryan: Greenlee, I want you to come away with me on my motorcycle.
Greenlee: Oh Ryan, that sounds so wonderful. What made you think of it.
Ryan: I saw where some of those message board people said they couldn't wait until we got on my motorcycle and left town. I guess they want to see us have an adventure on the road.

Bianca's baby shower continued.
Bianca: Mom, are you all right?
Erica: You're planning on naming the baby Miranda Mona? After my mother?
Baby: Why do I get the feeling she's not upset because you didn't pick the name Lizzie?
Bianca: I wanted to honor Grandma by naming the baby for her.
Erica: Do you want to know what I want Bianca?
Baby: My guess would be a 5th of Vodka.
Erica: I want.....I want....I want to get this stain out of my jacket.
Bianca: Are you sure that's what's wrong?
Erica: Of course I'm sure. It's the only pants suit I ever really loved.
Kendall: Bianca, why don't you open more presents?
Baby: Yeah, I want to see all the loot I'm accumulating.
Bianca: This one is from Lena - a DVD of the British series MI-5?
Lena: It's a lovely show. They have such a fine cast - and one that's improving from what I've heard.
Bianca: This one is from Maggie. Oh, how cute!
Baby: Hmmmm, it actually looks normal. I was expecting something a little more carpety.
Bianca: This one is from Kendall. A stuffed dog and a note that says Aunt Kendall will get you a real puppy when you're older.
Baby: Yessssss! I love my Auntie Kendall.
Liza: Are you sure you want to do that? Dogs can be a lot of trouble.
Baby: So Liza thinks dogs are too much trouble. That explains a lot. If she talks Mom out of getting me a dog I'm going to join the Angry Villagers.
Kendall: I just love you and the baby so much.
Bianca: And the baby and I love you even more.
Kendall: No I love you more.
Bianca: No I love you more.
Baby: I know this is supposed to be sweet and all that but I'm starting to feel like I need an insulin shot.

Babe went to check on Erica.
Babe: Are you all right Ms. Kane? Can I help you with anything....get you something to eat....call the guys in the white coats?
Erica: I'm fine Babe. It's Bianca that's in trouble.
Babe: What do you mean?
Erica: It's different for you. When your baby is born you'll look in its eyes and see it's father.
Babe: I will? Maybe then I'll finally know who....never mind.
Erica: But Bianca's child is different. If she has the baby I see a bad moon rising. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightning. I see bad times today.
Babe: Do you mean.....?
Erica: Right. I see all the signs pointing to a baby switch story that will infuriate the audience.
Krystal: Is everything all right in here?
Erica: Just peachy. Now I'm going back to the party.
Babe: She was awfully upset Mama.
Krystal: She's been through a lot baby doll. Just like Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolias, when it comes to sufferin, Erica Kane is right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.

Back at the party.....
Erica: Why don't you open my present Bianca? I'd love to see what I got you...er, I mean how you like what I got you.
Baby: Listen to see if it's ticking first, OK?
Bianca: How lovely. A silver cup and spoon.
Baby: Now I know she didn't pick it out. She would have chosen a little silver pitchfork.
Erica: I have to leave now. It's happy hour ....er I mean it's been such a happy hour but I'm busy.
Bianca: But Mom...
Kendall: Never mind Bianca. Why don't you ask some of these ladies for advice on childbirth?
Bianca: All right. Any tips you can give me?
Liza: I can think of a few. Don't take any drives on flooded out roads as you get close to term. And take your pantyhose off before delivery. It makes things much easier.
Bianca: I'll keep that in mind.


And then after taking a year to do nothing with my character, I get a different show! Isn't that hilarious?

Look on the bright side. If Bianca never comes around,
there is always Simone.


Lena: Look inside. See how soft it is? Can't you just imagine her cuddling in it?


Unverified in non-clip parts

***** (clip a) [Lena reacts to Erica's reaction to the baby's proposed name]

[Lena and others stand up]
Kendall: Erica, are you ok? Are you hurt?
Erica: Bianca? You're naming your child after my mother?
Bianca: Miranda Mona Montgomery. Grandma was one of the greatest women I've known, and I want to pass some of her love she gave to me --
Erica: Do you want to know what I really want, Bianca?
[Lena in the background not looking too pleased]

***** (clip b) [Lena sits on a couch]

[amc040308b starts]
Bianca: It's so beautiful. Oh, my gosh -- wait, there's a note.
Liza: Stunning. Is it an antique?
Bianca: I think so. Let's see. "Dearest Bianca -- This music box was a gift to me from my mother when I was a baby. I'd drift to sleep watching the horses and listening to the music. Mama ran the carny's merry-go-round, so she knew they have a special kind of magic, and that's what I want to pass on to you and your precious love."
All: Aw. Myrtle.
[Lena sitting on the couch]
Bianca: Oh, my gosh, that is so sweet.
Opal: Yeah, well, you say that now, but you just wait till your "precious love" is off gallivanting with the carny strongman, then you'll be hunting Myrt down.
Marian: Ooh, the carny strongman -- that sounds like a wonderful idea. Why don't you check that out, Mia?
Simone: Yeah, Mia.
Mia: Wait a minute, how did I become the desperate one in need of a date?
Marian: Well, I'm just trying to be helpful. Feel free to listen, as well, Simone. I have more than enough wisdom to go around.
Simone: Yeah, I've got it covered. Thanks, Marian.
Babe: Let me see!
Bianca: Oh, you know what? When your little one comes over for play dates, I promise that Miranda will share.
Babe: And I promise not to let my little one bounce them off her head.
Bianca: Thanks. Do you think everything's ok? How come Mom isn't down yet?
Kendall: Just give her time.
Krystal: Hey, speaking of carnivals, did I ever tell you about the time that I -- it was the summer I went undefeated in the tractor pull.
[All talking at once]
[Lena sitting on the couch again]
Krystal: I might need another glass of champagne.

***** (clip c) [Lena gives Bianca her baby shower gift and Maggie sends hate waves]

[amc040308c-inc1 starts]
Bianca: Ok. All right, it's from Lena. Oh -- oh, it's so cute!
Lena: Look inside. See how soft it is? Can't you just imagine her cuddling in it?
Bianca: So soft it makes me want to just kiss her pink cheeks. Thank you so much! All right, who's next?
Kendall: All right. Yes, here we go.
Bianca: Who's this from?
Kendall: This is from the Magster.
Bianca: Oh --
Maggie: Oh, you know what? Don't open that up. You know what, we'll just open it up when we get home.
Bianca: No, no, don't be silly.
Maggie: No, because I really saw something else that I wanted to get, and I'd rather just take it back and --
Bianca: I love it. I -- look -- I love it. And she is going to need all the cuddling and softness that she can get. Thank you, Maggie.
Maggie: You're welcome.
[Maggie looks over at Lena; Lena smiling, fades as she sees the bleh look on Maggie's face]
[amc040308c-inc1 ends]
Opal: Hey, you can never have too many of those.
Kendall: All right, here we go.
Bianca: What?
Kendall: Mine's next!
Bianca: Oh, God.
Kendall: Yes, mine is next. There's a little explanation involved here.
Bianca: I would imagine so.
Kendall: Don't be afraid. Be not afraid.
Bianca: Oh!
All: Aw.
Bianca: He's adorable! Oh, so cute -- and a doggy bowl.
Liza: And the leash and the dog bowl are to inspire Miranda's imagination and abstract thinking.
Kendall: There's a certificate, as well. Read it.
Bianca: Oh -- "Good for one trip with Auntie Kendall to the pound to pick out the cutest puppy we can find." Kendall --
Kendall: Please, please, please, please, Bianca? Every kid needs a pet, right? Right? Yes! Yes! And dogs are the epitome of unconditional love.
Liza: They're also a lot of work.
Simone: Yeah.
Kendall: Yes, but unconditional love is worth the effort. So that is why I will be there to help feed her and brush her -- or him.
Marian: And what about the inevitable?
Kendall: Yes -- chief pooper-scooper at your service.
Simone: I would get that in writing.
Bianca: I think so.
Kendall: Please, Bianca?
Bianca: You're going to teach her how to do that, too, aren't you?
Kendall: What?
Bianca: Make puppy-dog eyes at me so that I can't possibly say no?
Kendall: Yes.
Kendall: So, is that a yes?
[amc040308c-inc3 starts]
Bianca: Yes!
Kendall: Yay! Yes, I promise, I promise. I will love you and Miranda and Mr. Patches.
Bianca: And we will love you for it for the rest of our lives.
[Lena laughs]
Kendall: I will always love you and Mr. Patches, and I will always be there for you and your baby.
Bianca: And I'll always love you for it no matter what. Give me a hug.
Kendall: The whole family.

***** (clip d) [Lena listens to the mother talk]

Kendall: So, Binks, we have so many expert mothers here.
Bianca: Oh.
Kendall: I think you should take advantage. So any questions for our experts?
[amc040308d-inc2 starts]
Bianca: Ok. Ok, the whole sleepless nights thing -- is that really as bad as everybody lets on?
Opal: Worse.
Liza: You get used to it. Almost brushing your teeth with diaper cream because you're so exhausted -- that you don't get used to.
Kendall: No, no, no.
Bianca: Ok, and what about labor?
Marian: Labor?
[Cut to Lena]
Bianca: Yeah.
Marian: Do something for me, Bianca -- tug on your lower lip very hard.
Bianca: Ow.
[Marian laughs]
Bianca: Oh, God. But not unbearable.
Marian: That's good. Now pull your lower lip over your head.
All: Oh!
Kendall: Oh, man! That's cruel.
[All talking at once]
Erica: Oh, no -- did I miss the rest of the presents being opened? Oh! Were they all just sweet and adorable?
[amc040308d-inc2 ends]
Kendall: They were very beautiful and very thoughtful.
Opal: Here, sit yourself down.
[Lena gives her seat to Erica]
Erica: Oh, why, thank you. Oh, Bianca, wait a second. You haven't opened my present, honey. Here, you go ahead and open it.
Bianca: Thanks.
Erica: Go ahead.
Simone: Oh, I love the wrapping paper.
Erica: Oh, beautiful.
Liza: It's beautiful.
Opal: Beautiful.
[Bianca gasps]
Bianca: Oh, Mom.
All: Aw.
Bianca: Oh, my goodness -- and a little spoon. I love it. I love it, and she's going to love it, too.

***** (clip e) [Simone and Lena bond]

Erica: I'm so glad you like it.
Bianca: Oh, I do. And I'm so glad that you could be here with me --
Erica: Babe? Babe, thank you so much. Everything's been so lovely. And thank you for including me, but I really do have to run now.
Bianca: Wait, you're --
Babe: It's no problem, Ms. Kane. It was good having you.
Erica: Thank you. Bye-bye.
Kendall: Mother, please -- please don't go. Please?
Erica: Oh, I have to, I have to. My schedule -- and I have to change my suit, you know, so -- ok.
Kendall: Well, at least -- at least just let me drive you home, ok? We don't even have to talk.
Erica: No, no, don't be silly. I mean, please, stay with your sister. Enjoy yourself.
Kendall: No, mother, please --
Erica: Bye.
Opal: Bianca, honey, would you mind terribly if --
Bianca: Oh, no. Go, please.
Opal: Yeah, I just -- I remembered that Petey has an engagement, and so I better make tracks. Thanks so much, Babe.
Babe: Bye.
Opal: Bye-bye.
Maggie: Bye, Opal.
Kendall: Hey, who wants cake?
All: Oh!
Maggie: I thought you'd finally never ask.
Babe: And we had to go for the carrot cake because we know it's very important that we all get our veggies.
Marian: And cream cheese frosting, as well. Another important food group.
[amc040308e-inc2 starts]
Mia: Ok -- ta-da!
Bianca: Oh -- I thought they only made these at wedding showers.
Mia: Well, what were we supposed to do with all these ribbons?
Simone: Yeah, and we expect you to wear it in the delivery room.
[Simone and Lena are giggling on the couch]
Mia: That's right. We're going to ask the doctor for a picture, so don't try to ditch it.
Bianca: All right, any camera that gets anywhere near my delivery room is not coming out in one piece, ok? Just a warning for everybody.
Kendall: I like it.
Bianca: I like it, too.

***** (clip f) [Lena gets some cake]

Babe: Ahem -- the first piece has no calories.
Bianca: Oh, thank you.
Babe: Did you know that?
Bianca: Babe, everything has been wonderful and incredible. I really -- I can't thank you enough. And thanks, too, for checking in on my mom upstairs. You did check in on her, right?
Babe: Well, yeah, we bumped into each other.
Bianca: Did she seem ok to you?
Babe: Well, she's Erica Kane. To me she's always amazing.
Bianca: Well, yeah. But, I mean, did she say anything to you about me? I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. I just -- it would really be helpful for me to know if she said anything about the baby.
Babe: Well, we pretty much just talked about that stain. And I am no domestic goddess, so I really wasn't much help, and your mom -- she just seems like she likes things just so. So she seemed just a little bit upset about ruining that top.
Bianca: Yeah. But you know that it must've been about something more. I mean, nobody gets that upset over a stain. I mean, if she said anything to you --
Kendall: Did you hear what I said? I said to just forget about things, just leave it alone, enjoy yourself today, ok?
Bianca: Ok.
Kendall: Forget about everything else.
Bianca: You're right. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything. I'm so totally impressed with you. You threw a party today for some of the most experienced hostesses in town, and everybody thought it was a hit.
Babe: Well, it's a good thing, too, because in about 25 years or so, everyone's going to be back for our little kids' weddings.
Kendall: Yes.
Liza: You know, I want to apologize for my mother if she frightened you, you know, with the whole lip thing.
Bianca: Oh, no. I thought it was actually kind of funny, in a really horrifying kind of way.
Liza: Well, it's going to be fine. Are you going to take Lamaze classes?
Bianca: I thought it was kind of mandatory, isn't it?
Liza: The breathing exercises come in handy, especially when your mother is in the room. But you do really need a good coach.
Bianca: Well, we haven't even started yet, and I've already learned that much. So, Kendall? You still willing to feed me ice chips and let me squeeze your hand until you squeal?
Kendall: You -- you really want me to -- I thought you would want somebody else.
Bianca: No, I want the woman who pulls through for me every single time. I want it to be you.
Kendall: I want it to be me, too. I'll be there before, during, and after delivery. You won't be able to get rid of me.
Bianca: Really?
Kendall: Yes.
Bianca: You going to help me out with everything?
Kendall: You name it.
Bianca: Well, you know, that includes baby barf and 2:00 a.m. feedings and the croup and colic.
Liza: Chickenpox, toilet training, and every cold that seems to run through the school.
Bianca: Oh, yes, not to mention when she wants to get her ears pierced and wear makeup and go on dates and borrow the car. Oh, oh, and let's not forget -- Mr. Patches is going to need to go to the vet.
Kendall: Ok, you know, on second thought, you're on your own, kid. It's not happening. Uh-uh. It's not happening.
[Lena eats cake in the background]


I have the following clips (incompletes are marked "inc"):
amc030508b.mov () Lena sits on a couch as Bianca gets Myrtle's gift
amc030508c-inc1.mov () Lena gives Bianca her baby shower gift and Maggie sends hate waves
amc030508c-inc3.mov () Bianca gets a puppy
amc030508d-inc2.mov () Lena listens to the mother talk
amc030508e-inc2.mov () Simone and Lena bond

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