Whoosh! ....
Looks like she's still in Poland

Lena Kundera

June 21, 2004

(Lena mention)
Last update: 07/01/04

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From The Official Site at ABC.com:

No mention.

From About All My Children

No mention

From Soap Slut

Maggie admits to an extremely bored-looking Bianca that she thinks she's in love with her. She explains that she's confused about her feelings; she's attracted to men, but she loves Bianca. (She actually utters the sentence, "Am I gay, or is it just you?") Heh. Bianca completely understands and assures her that it's normal to be confused - she was, too, at first. She gently tells Maggie that she's still in love with Lena, but promises to stick by her and help her figure out her feelings. Hmm, was this the final nail in the BAM coffin? Dare I dream?


This all gay recap is by C.K..
Read all the All Gay Re-caps at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAllGayRecap/.


  • The pillow is the hypotenuse.
  • Jack canít believe his hair is flat.
  • Greenlee looks for a higher power.
  • The Lesbian Pop Quiz goes on vacation.
  • Bianca is the lifeguard on duty.

The Set-Up Ė In Last Vegas, Erica looks at Ryan and settles for no pulp.

At triangulation central, Maggieís feelings are out. Maybe. But sheís not.

In the nursery, J.R. blows bubbles.

On the terrace, David steals from Paula Abdul and all the cold-hearted snakes in Pine Valley know it.

The Chandler Manse Ė On the terrace, Dr. Dave kicks Krystalís biting conscience Ė yes, I know: what conscience? Ė and hits her self-delusion.

Krystal: "Bess belongs to Babe and J.R. so you just accept that and go home."

God? Itís me. Do you think you could stop snacking, nudge Zeus awake and ask him to send down one of his bolts? Thanks buddy: I owe you one.

Triangulation Central Ė Maggie is sorry she said "the Ďlí word" but, mostly, sheís sorry sheís wearing mini lanterns for earrings.

Bianca: "You know I still love Lena, donít you?"

And sheíll be thrilled to hear that when you break up with her. Again. And for no reason. Again.

Maggie: "I wasnít asking you, you know, anything. I just told you because Iím Ė "
Bianca: "Confused. [Ö]"

Thatís shocking. Iím sure, this time, itíll be as riveting and shining as it was the first time around, when it was boring, predictable and offensive.

Maggie: "Can you help me make sense of this because I donít understand why Iím feeling this."

Bianca looks as if sheíd rather chew glass while walking on coals and jumping through rings of fire, Maggie, but Iím sure that, between her drunk mother and her dead baby she can find the time to sort out your confusion for you.

Las Vegas Ė Ryan and Erica agree that ghosts canít be outrun no matter how fast the bike or fake the marriage.

Ryan: "I faced Kendall. I looked her in the eye and I told her it was over and I told her why."

Was that before or after you played tonsil hockey? And whatís with Pine Valley and Cyclops?

Erica canít relate because sheís misunderstood and paranoia is not paranoia when everyone really is out to get you.

Erica: "I donít owe them anything: theyíve done nothing but lie to me."

Pot? Kettle is on line 1 and holding on 2, 3, 4 and 5.

Multiple Choice Ė Maggie is bummed because she canít figure out if sheís straight, gay or bored and, really, it was all so much easier when she was following the penis like a pendulum.

Maggie: "I thought that I did know. Youíve been here before, remember?"

Everyone does - except for The Retcon 32 because, in BAMistan, "Iím into guys" actually means "girls do it for me."

Maggie: "Can you please tell me again how did you know that you were gay?"

Oh, time to take out The Gay Formula! This is so very, very sad. Well, not for me Ďcause Iím laughing so hard Iím crying, but weíll just pretend Iím sympathizing with "the journey."

Maggie: "Am I gay or is it just you?"

Bwah! Oh, Maggie: get in line, you tool.

Maggie: "Iím attracted to guys, I am, but Iím also very attracted to you."

Oh get over it already, you boring twit. So you may be bisexual, big fucking deal: find yourself a rack - preferably one that belongs to someone with no taste so we wonít have to watch you being rejected again - fondle it and try to figure this out on your own time, damn it.

The Chandler Manse Ė On the terrace, David refuses to let Krystal rationalize her decision to keep MiMo from Bianca.

Krystal: "That baby has a name she can be proud of: she is a Chandler, not a Cambias."

Oh shut up you ignorant slut.

David: "Who the hell made you god to decide who gets that baby?"

Oh, you donít know? Itís a rotating system: Tom DeLay is next, but heís having an awfully hard time wrestling the remote away from Pat Robertson.

The Swinging Axe Ė Maggie loves Bianca and Bianca loves Maggie - but only the way Barney loves, well, whomever it is that he loves.

Bianca: "Iíll always love you, Maggie, but Iím committed to Lena. Iím in love with her no matter how far away she is."

And that is so far itís impossible to find on a map.

The Chandler Manse Ė In the library, J.R. is frazzled because Babe is into apple pie and motherhood.

J.R.: "I want [the problem] to disappear as quickly as possible."
Adam: "How far are you willing to go?"
J.R.: "What do you mean?"

When youíre on your tricycle, do you have to turn once you hit the cub or can you actually cross the street?

The Last Scenes Ė At triangulation central, Maggie doesnít know why she "feel[s] like such an idiot." On the count of threeÖ

In Las Vegas, Erica tells Ryan sheís too scared to face her family.

Ryan: "Youíve got me: what else could go wrong?"

Weíve finally reached self-fluffing: with any luck, heíll stick a wad of cotton in his throat, suffocate and finally die.

In the nursery, MiMo chokes on Babeís lies.

On the Chandler terrace, Krystal tells David heís Babeís father. See? Careful what you wish for, David: next time youíll think long and hard before you wish you had a daughter.

TOMORROW ON ALL MY CHILDREN: Maggie asks Jamie how to backtrack; David wants to run a DNA test to prove heís not Babeís father; Greenlee threatens Kendall.


This parody is by LizzieT.

Maggie had a confession for Bianca.
Maggie: I love you.
Bianca: What?
Maggie: I said I love you. Or at least I think I love you. I think I love you so what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for.
Bianca: I'm shocked. I never expected this.
Maggie:You mean the old Partridge Family song? I thought it was appropriate.
Bianca: No. I mean your confession
Maggie: Didn't you get the idea from the set-up on Friday's episode?
Bianca: Sorry. You know that Lizzie person didn't watch Friday's episode. Maggie, you know I'm committed to Lena.
Maggie: I know that but she was written out.
Bianca: True. TPTB like it better that way. They can say I have a girlfriend but they don't actually have to show me with one.
Maggie: So where does that leave me? Am I gay, straight, bisexual or just confused?
Bianca: It's hard to tell. They're probably waiting to see what kind of response these scenes get. But I'll do what I can to help you figure things out. How about a hug?
Maggie: OK. ......So am I leaning toward gay right now or is this just a hug between friends? Cause I'd really like to know which way they're going with this.

Greenlee found Jack in the park.
Greenlee: Wow, you're really fast. Do you run like that every morning?
Jack: No. Just when I think I'm going to have to listen to another round of the Greenlee/Ryan/Kendall triangle.
Greenlee: I don't blame you. The audience does the same thing. Anyway, I chased you down to apologize for what I said about you and Erica.
Jack: You don't need to apologize. I know you were just trying to help me.
Greenlee: Actually I was just trying to be nasty. This Greenlee=Good stuff hasn't really gotten me anywhere. Ryan's still off in Vegas with Kendall.
Jack: And Erica's still off in Vegas with Jose Cuervo.
Greenlee: Our love lives suck don't they? You'd think for a couple of soap characters we'd have better romances. But Ryan and I have that six month clause in our marriage vows and I'm going to let him go at the end of six months if things haven't worked out. Will you do the same thing with Erica if she's still drinking?
Jack: Do you really think they're going to drag out either one of these storylines for six more months?
Greenlee: If I was part of the Vegas storyline I'd bet on it.

Ryan tried to reason with Erica.
Ryan: You can't keep running from your problems Erica. I tried that but I came back to Pine Valley.
Erica: I know. I'm sorry pilot season didn't work out for you.
Ryan: It was tough but I got past it.
Erica: Of course in a way you're still running. You ran to Greenlee to get away from Kendall. How is that so different from me running to Vegas to get away from everyone?
Ryan: I didn't have to wear a bad blonde wig and feathers.
Erica: True. But I can't go back. I know what my family thinks about me. I know those message board people have turned on me. I just can't go back.
Ryan: But this is the perfect time. You see that Krystal person is sinking fast in terms of audience support. You're starting to look good by comparison. If you come back now there's a good chance you can win back the audience.
Erica: But what about my father's ghost? What if he comes too?
Ryan: I doubt that he will. He's in the wrong demographic group to be considered a viable newbie.
Erica: Then I'll come back with you. This whole showgirl storyline has been a bust anyway. I wonder who's crazy idea this was?

JR talked to "Bess".
JR: The only thing I've ever needed in my life was you.
Miranda: I can't help it.It's just the effect we Kane women have on the men in our lives. Babe: I want to be the best Mama ever JR. I want to learn to bake.
JR: We have Winifred to bake.
Babe: But I want to do it. And I want to teach Bess to bake when she's older.
Miranda: Forget it. I'm Erica Kane's granddaughter, not Betty Crocker's.
Babe: I'm going to stick to you and Bess just like a tick to prove what a good mother I am.
Miranda: I could point out the irony of you associating motherhood with parasites considering who your mother is but I won't.

JR consulted Adam.
JR: We need to move to plan B. Babe has decided she wants to be a good mother.
Adam: Drat the luck. Who would have thought all that Babe=Good nonsense would actually soak in? Just how far are you willing to go?
JR: You think I should gaslight her like you gaslighted my mother?
Adam: Why not? It was a damn good storyline.
JR: But people hated you and felt sorry for my mother.
Adam: I know. But this is Babe we're talking about. Her sympathy quotient right now is almost as low as her skanky test switcher mother.
JR: So if I go through with it the audience will love me?
Adam: Not a chance.

David had it out with Krystal.
David: You're responsible for Miranda being held hostage as Bess Chandler.
Krystal: Are you accusing me of being a skanky test switcher?
David: I'm accusing you of being a heartless skanky test switcher. And I'm going up there now to rescue Miranda.
Krystal: You can't do that. My baby doll doesn't know that her baby doll isn't really her baby doll.
David: She doesn't?
Krystal: No she doesn't. ::::I guess now I'm a lying heartless skanky test switcher.::::: Besides, the baby is better off with us being raised as a Chandler. I didn't do this for purely selfish reasons.
Lizzie's Dog: You know, if I were foaming at the mouth the way Lizzie is right now I'd be kenneled for observation. Krystal: My baby doll and I didn't start this thing. Paul from OLTL is the real villain here.
David: Actually what you're doing is just as bad.
Krystal: That's your opinion.....you and those message board people.
David: I hear that some of them are about to make the Angry Villagers look like a girl scout troop. And you deserve it. What kind of person would keep a mother away from her child?
Krystal: Didn't you keep Maria away from her children?
David: Please. That was different.
Krystal: How?
David: A completely rewritten backstory that never made any sense. Now I'm going up there to get Miranda.
Krystal: Wait just a dingdang minute Mr. Before you go up there and take my baby doll's baby doll you need to know that she isn't just my baby doll, she's your baby doll too.
David: What? You lost me somewhere after the 3rd baby doll.
Krystal: I'm telling you that Babe is your child. It was supposed to be a Friday cliffhanger but pre-emptions changed all that.

Meanwhile Babe talked to "Bess".
Babe: I'm just gonna be the best Mama I can be to you. I know I did the right thing.
Miranda: You wouldn't know the right thing if it jumped up and bit you. I don't care what you and that lying heartless skanky test switcher say - I'll never accept what you've done. With God as my witness you won't defeat me. If I have to lie, cheat steal or even kill I'll get back where I belong. And with God as my witness - I'll never be Bess again. Hey, that sounded pretty good. Did you catch the rattle raised in the air?


Unverified in non-clip parts

Clip A

Maggie: I'm so sorry. I never meant to spring the l word on you like that.
Bianca: No, I -- i'm glad you said it.
Maggie: Really?
Bianca: Of course. But you know that I still love lena, don't you?
Maggie: Yeah, I know that. I -- I wasn't asking you, you know, anything. I -- i just told you because I'm -- i'm just very --
bianca: Confused. And -- you hope that i have answers.
Maggie: Yes. No, no. I -- it just came out. Did I just come out? You see, i -- I don't know. Can you help me make sense of this because I don't understand why i'm feeling this. Maybe I just shouldn't have said anything.
Bianca: Oh, no, don't -- don't say that. Haven't we always told each other everything?
Maggie: Then please tell me why -- what the hell's happening?

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