Whoosh! Issue 19 - April
1998


Bitter Treat:
A Bitter Suite Parody



TEASER



1     INT. AMAZON HUT - DAY

And then, after this, I'd like the seaweed
wrap....

Getting whupped.


A naked body double for Gabrielle is getting whupped by an Amazon with a weed whacker (though it's not plugged in, so it really doesn't hurt). The music is eerie and the whupping Amazon wears a Halloween mask of Kathie Lee Gifford (ooh! scary!).


2     EXT. AMAZON VILLAGE - DAY

Ephiny refuses to let Joxer in on the secret of Amazon hair
removal.

Ephiny: Gah! What the Hades
are you doing in the Amazon village?
Security!"

Ephiny sips from a bottled water as JOXER tries to dispel his image from several mindless comedies, by frowning a lot.

JOXER
We have to do something!
EPHINY
(noticing JOXER)
Gah! What the Hades are you doing in the Amazon village? Security!

JOXER
I love Gabrielle -- I have to be near her.

EPHINY
Jox, babe, she's into chicks. You? No shot.

JOXER
I kinda like that about her, actually.

EPHINY
Security!!!!
(mumbling)
Geez, we call ourselves Amazons?

JOXER
We have to get her out of there! I can hear the background chants from here and they're getting louder!

EPHINY
We can't. She has to endure the Amazon purification ritual and that means getting all the toxins out of her body in a new age, 'expel the TexMex she had for dinner last night' kinda way. It's brutal, but Kathius Leah knows what she's doing.

JOXER, in an attempt to wow the critics, frowns even more.

JOXER
Well I'm not going to stand by and watch this from out here. I'm going in there and watch.

                                 CUT TO:


3     EXT. MOUNTAINTOP - DAY

What happens when you shake the globe.

Xena: I coulda won a Tony
if my run had been longer!


Xena is wailing, dressed in a blanket. Soap chips doubling as snow fall all around her.

XENA
(wailing)
Aeiaeiaei! And on this farm he had some pigs. Aeiaeiaei!

Suddenly, Ares appears next to her.

ARES
GREASE is over. You can stop singing now.

XENA
Shut up, ya soulless buzzard! I coulda won a Tony if my run had been longer!

ARES
Give it up, Xena. You don't have a Tony. Or even an Emmy -- Rob wrecked your chances by having the show go syndicated. And since you can't get ticked off at him, cuz he's your boss, why not kill Gabrielle?

XENA
'Kay.

                                 CUT TO:

4     INT. AMAZON HUT - DAY

It's true -- we *do* have more fun!

Gabrielle: About the only thing
that could make me hate her
is if she rode in on Argo,
whupped the Amazons,
tied a rope around my feet,
dragged me across half of Greece,
then tried to throw me off a cliff --
and what are the odds of that???


Gabrielle, now dressed in a kevlar toga, is having tea with Callisto.

GABRIELLE
So I says to Xena, I says: 'Sure my kid off-ed your kid, but what are ya gonna do? They're kids!' And she says to me, she says--

CALLISTO
You hate her, don't you?

GABRIELLE
Hate her? No way! About the only thing that could make me hate her is if she rode in on Argo, whupped the Amazons, tied a rope around my feet, dragged me across half of Greece, then tried to throw me off a cliff -- and what are the odds of that???

CALLISTO
Okay, so it's not hate. But you dislike her, right?

GABRIELLE
No way. I love her. Said so a hundred times.

CALLISTO
Um... have an eensy teensy bit of resentment that, cuz of her, you had to kill your daughter?

GABRIELLE
(laughing)
Right! As if Hopeless didn't deserve it!

CALLISTO
Feel slightly petulant cuz she snubbed you at the funeral of your kids, wouldn't respond to your 'I love you, Xena' and will never forgive you?

GABRIELLE
Nope.

CALLISTO
So nothing she does bothers you?

GABRIELLE
Well...
(reluctantly)
there is one thing...

CALLISTO
What?

GABRIELLE
Oh, it's meaningless. I shouldn't even mention it.

CALLISTO
C'mon! It's me! Callee! You can talk to me.

GABRIELLE
Well... she won't let me play with her hair.

CALLISTO
And you HATE her for that!

GABRIELLE
(highly emotional)
YES! Yes, I hate her!! I hate her!!
(sobbing)
I wanna touch the weaved-in Spanish lady hair and she won't let me!!



END OF TEASER

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