Bitter Treat:
A Bitter Suite Parody
ACT ONE
5 EXT. AMAZON VILLAGE -
DAY
"I'm a little upset."
There is the sound of hoofbeats and Xena pounds up on Argo,
whipping her.
ARGO
That's it. I'm calling my agent.
Xena leaps off the horse as the Amazons line up to attack.
Argo stalks off, talking on a cel phone. Xena spins in the
air, missing all the Amazons who conveniently stood in such
a way that one Xena spin would land her in a strategic
position. Ephiny grabs her.
EPHINY
Xena! No!
Xena pulls out a sheet of typing paper and gives Ephiny a
really nasty paper cut. Ephiny falls to the ground
screaming.
Suddenly, JOXER runs out of the hut carrying Gabrielle.
JOXER
(to GABRIELLE)
Geez, lay off the TexMex, wouldja?
He hands her a Certs.
GABRIELLE
Xena?
XENA
I'm a little upset.
GABRIELLE
Well, we can't have that. Let me sing you a song to soothe
your spirits.
XENA
NOOOOOOO! Don't sing!!!!!!!!!!
Xena grabs a whip, and gets GABRIELLE around the
legs while the bard tries to extricate her toga from JOXER's
plate thingy. Jumping on a stunt horse, Xena ties off the ropey
whip and starts galloping, dragging Gabrielle behind her.
GABRIELLE
(singing to the tune of "Deep in the Heart of Texas")
I'm being dragged.
Cuz m'toga was snagged.
Ain't life a drag with Xena!
This really hurts.
Eep! I swallowed my Certs.
Ain't life a drag with Xena!
XENA
Stop singing! We haven't even gotten to Delusia yet! And by
the way, you overused the word 'drag.'
GABRIELLE
(bumping along rocks, etc.)
Oh, like I'm supposed to be clever as you tow me behind a
horse. Besides, I was just warming up the ole pipes.
XENA
Like they're gonna let you sing. They have stunt singers
in Delusia -- so just wait.
GABRIELLE
Oh yeah? And if I don't? Whattaya gonna do, kill me?
Xena glances back, watching as Gabrielle is dragged through
broken glass, then lava, then a nuclear testing ground.
XENA
I've considered it.
They arrive at a cliff and Xena picks up Gabrielle and holds
her over her head.
XENA
Geez! Lay off the TexMex, why doncha?
Xena hands her a Tums. Gabrielle kicks Xena. They fall to
the ground then square off.
GABRIELLE
Nobody insults Momma ROC's cooking.
XENA
Oooh, I'm so scared. Whatcha gonna make of it?
GABRIELLE
I'm gonna play with your fake hair!
Enraged, both women attack each other and fall off the cliff
into a waterfall. It's a strange, enchanted waterfall which
instantly tears the clothes off anyone who swims there (a
favorite swimming hole of Xenastaff).
DISSOLVE TO:
6 EXT. DELUSIA -
DAY
"Glad that you're still quite
nude.
Thought it'd amuse ya.
Gotta sing, don't say a word...!
This is Delusia!"
A naked Xena (gosh, never seen that before, huh?) goes
downstream.
CALLISTO (v.o.)
Lose thy clothing and hold thy breath for here in water shall
there be no oxygen for lungs, yet for gills there be.
Xena, sputtering, raises her head above water.
XENA
What? I don't understand -- that doesn't make sense.
CALLISTO (v.o.)
As a fish thou swimmest in taroted lands and fillith thy
fishy fins with unknowable wisdom and forsooth, 'TIS a
drum be heralded in enchantment's path.
XENA
Speak Greek for crying out loud! I don't understand a
word you're saying.
CALLISTO (v.o.)
Holyfield am I! The boxer of fishes and boundless patterns
of dresses and other garments in the heavyweight class.
Callisto pulls Xena out of the water. Xena, still naked lies
unconscious. Callisto bends down and licks her face like a
puppy, waking her.
CALLISTO (cont'd)
(singing)
Glad that you're still quite nude.
Thought it'd amuse ya.
Gotta sing, don't say a word...!
This is Delusia!
END OF ACT ONE
